Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. This week’s is a reprint from 2010, as I am taking some down time for the summer. Let’s talk about that grass is greener syndrome and marriage!
In West Knoxville, Tennessee, Lee Miller has the best lawn in the neighbourhood. The uniformly green grass is always 1 ¾ inch high. People stop their cars to touch it. Dandelions don’t invade it. Grubs don’t munch the roots. And Lee never, ever has to turn on the sprinkler. But though the grass may be greener on Lee’s side of the fence, the grass also isn’t real.
I have killed so much grass myself that I have dreamt of a fake lawn. But I’d miss the robins digging for worms, and the bunnies that gorge on the greens that grow under our bird feeder. A fake lawn may look nice, but there’s no life there.
That doesn’t stop the envy, though. When we’re in the midst of a season where all we see is the grubs, it’s easy to turn and look at Lee’s lawn and think it’s superior. It’s beautiful. It’s easy. And so we’re tempted to abandon our own lawn for another.
Big mistake. I have known so many who have walked out on marriages and families to take on all the problems of another family. I’ve known men who have abandoned families they have cherished and cared for for twenty years, only to start all over again with another woman with toddlers. They often realize, after they have wrecked their relationships with their older children, that just because you start fresh doesn’t mean it’s easier. That first family doesn’t go away; you still have to work out custody issues and vacations and university plans and even eventually weddings. But you’ve burned bridges and caused ill will in the meantime.
Why are we so easily enticed to stray over that fence? I think we’re naturally lazy. When we’re in the midst of a difficult period in our relationships, and we feel like the other person doesn’t value or understand us, to work through that seems exhausting. And then we meet someone we can talk to, who’s new and therefore exciting, and we convince ourselves that life would be easier if we could jump that fence.
That’s a very short-term view. We forget the value of the history that we have built up. I don’t think I could ever leave my husband because nobody else has walked my life with me. He has been a witness to every major event in my adult life. If we were to split, I couldn’t talk about them in the same way anymore, because others wouldn’t understand. They weren’t there when Rebecca was born. They weren’t there when we laid my son to rest in the cemetery. They weren’t there when my grandfather died, or when my first book was published, or when I learned to drive. Those shared memories are worth something.
Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, in their study A Case for Marriage, found that couples from unhappy marriages who split up were far less likely to be happy five years later than couples who stayed together. Even those who found new partners were less likely to be happy than those who worked on their own marriages. That’s probably why second and third marriages fail at rates far greater than first marriages.
Life is messy, but that’s only because it’s real. If someone else’s grass is greener, it’s either because it’s fake, or because you’ve never been up close and personal with it. Get up close, and you’ll see that it has just as many flaws as yours does. Remember, the difference between a beautiful garden and a wilderness is the time that we spend caring for it. So if your lawn is straggly, maybe instead of leaving it, you just need to care for it a little bit more. And while you’re at it, fix the fence.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’ve heard “If the grass is greener on the other side, time to water your own lawn” – nice to have you fill that thought out a little more for us!
This might be my favorite post of yours ever! Going to share it right now.
I’ve read that statistic too, that people in unhappy marriages are more likely to be happy just a few years later if they STAY than if they split. You have to work at it.
Julie G
PS Wasn’t it Erma Bombeck who said, “The grass is always greener… over the septic tank.”? Hmmm, that analogy could work!
When I met my husband 25 years ago, he had a dog, a spaniel with a ‘problem.’ During our dating period, this dog destroyed several of my belongings, and there were incidents in which the dog growled and snarled at me. On our honeymoon, the dog bit my hand and drew blood. My husband was angry with ME and wanted to know what I had done to provoke the dog. In our first year of marriage, the dog bit a friend of ours. I became pregnant, and we argued about the safety of our new baby around this dog. Finally, a month before the baby was due, the dog bit a kid at the park and my husband decided to take the dog to a trainer who specialized in biting, problem dogs. After ‘evaluating’ (provoking) this dog for mere seconds, the dog attacked the trainer with a vengeance, and the trainer declared the dog to be beyond rehabilitation and recommended that it be put down. My husband refused. The next vet appointment the dog bit both me and the vet, and while my husband was at work, the vet dispatched this dog. The reason I tell this story is because I lived in mortal fear of that dog for well over a year and a half. I never knew when the dog would be nice, or when the dog was going to bare teeth and let me have it. I tiptoed around that dog, had nightmares about the dog, and was so relieved when circumstances led to the dog’s demise. And guess what? I don’t like dogs. I don’t ever want a dog. I can see that other people like dogs and appear to have faithful, loving dogs and great relationships with their dogs, but just no thank you, no dog for me. So I am in a 25 year marriage in which my husband has been so emotionally cruel and controlling he is just like that dog to me…I tiptoe around, trying not to provoke, wondering when the next bite is coming. Even though he has been with me for all of the life events you mention above, he has also made memories for me that I wish I could forget. I can’t imagine thinking that the grass is greener with another man. The only green grass I am look at wistfully is being alone. I don’t trust any dogs and I couldn’t possibly trust another man. All of your blog posts seem to be about unfaithfulness. There are a lot of other problems that cause separation and divorce in marriages both Christian and otherwise that need addressing.
I just wanted to acknowledge your post. I’m so very sorry for what you’ve had to deal with for 25+ years. You should not have to live in fear of someone in this way. Please find a pasor or counselor to talk with about your situation. I’m praying for you.
Another way of putting it I’ve heard is “The reason we’re unhappy is because we’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” That really resonated with me.
I saw that quote on Pinterest lately! I love it!
I agree with this post. Everyone has issues, but the question becomes what types of issues do you want to deal with? That guy who looks good will eventually show his real colors. In fact, anyone who has been married for at least 6 months or more, they realize that marriage is not easy. However, it’s worth it when you’re with the right one. The benefit of being saved is that we have the God who created marriage, and we can seek guidance from Him when times are tough.
I think too many women go into marriage expecting everything to be peaches and cream all the time when in reality it’s not. Marriage is work and it’s filled with its ups and downs.
We must be committed enough to endure to the end; and when trouble strikes we can go to God and all the other resources He makes available such as reading great books and articles, attending marriage conferences, and seeking counseling if necessary.
My Pastor hubby has a saying…..”If the grass is greener on the other side, it’s because the Devil spray painted it!” He was taking about church hopping at the time, but he says it can surely apply here too. He also says the Devil uses cheap immitations of the real thing. We have to be constantly guarding our hearts, marriages and lives so we can spot the cheap immitations. Thanks for this amazing post! Probably my favorite as well 🙂
A great reminder. I especially liked how you wrote, “If someone else’s grass is greener, it’s either because it’s fake, or because you’ve never been up close and personal with it. Get up close, and you’ll see that it has just as many flaws as yours does.”. And what one of the commenters said too, “The reason we’re unhappy is because we’re comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel.” It’s hard to remember that sometimes. Appearances are deceiving and things aren’t better on the other side of the hill. THANK YOU for the reminder.
I’m glad to see that your marriage survived losing a child. We’re divorcing now, and the catalyst was losing a daughter (followed a few weeks later by a flood). We were unable to communicate afterwards.
The divorce has been very difficult on our surviving children, who are college age and live with me (both may now be developing alcohol problems, and were incredibly stung by the loss of their sister).
Their mother now lives 5 hours away with her family, and is mostly disconnected from her children (and completely cut off from me).
Yet I look at all of the things I did to damage our marriage, and that the grass certainly isn’t greener now, even though I felt my wife had dramatically changed after our daughter’s loss. This hasn’t helped the family, nor me.
Do what you can to keep it together – divorce causes many unanticipated problems.