Does the idea of “Mutually satisfying sex” seem foreign to your marriage? Is sex mostly for him?
It’s Wednesday, the day that we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you all can link up your own marriage posts in the linky below. Today I want to talk about mutually satisfying sex.
Let me ask a question: In your marriage, is sex all for him?
If you read this blog, you’ll know that I don’t think sex should be all about him. But it’s awfully easy to see how many women get that idea. It’s certainly what I thought at the beginning of my marriage! It’s easy for men to get aroused and to feel pleasure; women are much more tricky. Men pretty much always get satisfaction from sex; women aren’t guaranteed orgasm. And men have this need for sex that we women are told we have to fulfill if we’re going to have a happy marriage. So your husband bugs you for sex, because he won’t feel loved without it, yet for you maybe it doesn’t even feel that great. You have to do something you don’t like that much in order for your husband to feel loved. Sounds pretty awful.
Now, it doesn’t need to be that way! But there’s an undercurrent in a lot of Christian writing about sex which goes something like this:
Men really truly need sex, and so women have to give it to them when they need it. Never say no, or you’re hurting him, and he could end up having an affair.
That’s not the message of this blog, and I hope none of you has gotten that idea.
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, what I was trying to do was to write a book that would show that God designed sex to be a mutually satisfying experience. Both of us are supposed to enjoy it. It’s supposed to make both of us feel more intimate. Both of us need it. The only real difference is that men, in general, have more of an urgent felt need for it. But the best way to meet that need is to realize that we have a need for it, too, and then to act on it. And to realize that when we step out to meet our husband’s needs, if our heads are in the game, it’s likely to be a very good experience for us, also.
But remember that men really need to be wanted, not to be placated.
And if we give this message that men “need” sex, and women therefore must perform, it’s all too easy to start seeing sex as something distasteful, and men as animals.
That’s hardly a recipe for real intimacy. It also is EXTREMELY damaging to a woman’s sexuality and libido. Instead of talking up mutually satisfying sex, we seem to talk about sex primarily being for him, while we’re almost bystanders. When it’s constantly preached that men need sex, and women need to provide, and that is the primary context (which I see in many popular marriage books), I can totally understand why so many women think, “God must hate me. God made me as a receptacle that’s just supposed to be there so my husband can use me.” That is NOT what God intended at all.
The solution, to me, is to stress mutually satisfying sex–sex that you both want, that you both feel pleasure from, and that you both feel intimacy from.
It should be something that is both fun and frequent, and desired by both. That takes some work, but that’s the goal. It’s not that he’s an animal who needs it all the time; it’s that God made it to be wonderful, though different, for both of you, and He made both of you to experience real intimacy in sex. It’s for both of us!
Now, last month I wrote a rant on things I’d like to say to men about sex, and one of those things was this:
After she’s had a baby, she needs six weeks before she can have sex again. Let her have those six weeks to get used to the baby. You do not need her to “help you” in other ways.
If she’s having her period, and she feels distinctly unsexy, go for five days without sex. You really can do it (some women feel aroused during their periods; others just don’t). To demand that she satisfy you in ways other than intercourse when she finds intercourse really distasteful and uncomfortable is a little much. Use some self-control! You can have a healthy sex life for the other 22 days of the month. You really will survive.
And if she’s in her first trimester and she’s puking all the time, instead of worrying about your own sex drive, how about getting a cold cloth for her head? Or giving her a massage? Or letting her sleep? She’s sacrificing a lot physically for this baby. It is not too much to ask you to do the same thing.
If she’s withholding sex for an extended period of time, yes, you need to confront her and do something about it. But if it’s just occasionally for physical reasons, I think that’s why God says one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control.
In response, a number of commenters said it was unreasonable to expect men to go that long without sex, and that women should “lend a hand”, so to speak.
I’d like to address that just for a moment, because it is a question I get a lot. “My husband can’t wait the five days while I have my period. What should I do?”
In a nutshell, here’s what I think:
A healthy marriage consists of give and take in every area, including sex.
So the wife should give when she’s able, as much as she’s able, and as enthusiastically as she’s able. At the same time, when she is not able, the husband should then give grace. To me, that’s a healthy marriage. For most of the month, you have a great time, and then for those five days you concentrate on other areas of relating, like talking, or cuddling, or watching a movie, or whatever–unless, of course, she would like to do something more sexual (and about 30% of women do. There’s nothing wrong with that!)
This idea that a man cannot go for five days without release is a little much. Yes, a man will feel an urge for sex if he waits for five days. But that doesn’t mean that this urge needs to be met. After all, before you are married a Christian man will refrain from sex. I think five days is enough to wait. And ditto the six weeks (or however long you individually are told to wait) after having a baby. I normally think six weeks is too much to refrain from sex, but after having a baby, you’re exhausted, and you have something totally new to concentrate on.
To say that the wife “must” help her husband some other way is to ignore the mutuality of sex.
Now, all of this is said with a caveat, which is that both of you should be enjoying frequent, fun sex at other times. If you’re doing that, a husband will find it easier to wait the five days, or six weeks, or whatever, because he isn’t fundamentally insecure that his wife doesn’t desire him. When a husband doubts whether his wife really loves him or wants him, then he often wants sex more frequently.
So I wouldn’t say that you can refrain from sex during the entire pregnancy, or during the baby days at all, and I’ve written before on how to deal with sex if you’re nauseous for months on end, or if your hormones are all over the place. Again, we need to have give and take.
But I do not think that it is unreasonable to ask your husband to wait five days while you have your period (and indeed, that’s what the Old Testament demanded anyway. One commenter noted that while the Old Testament said this, in a patriarchal society men had more than one wife, and so were unlikely to be waiting that long. First, only the rich had more than one wife generally. And secondly, I do not believe that God set up rules to do with sex and marriage assuming anything other than monogamy, when monogamy is His ultimate plan and anything else is a distortion). This doesn’t mean you HAVE to wait. Many women actually enjoy sex during their period, and many women like surprising their husbands and helping him in some other way. It does give you a feeling of power, which is, in and of itself, fun. I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be an obligation.
When sex becomes an obligation in a marriage, that marriage is going downhill.
If she feels like it’s just for him, she’ll start to resent him and resent sex. If she feels that he only wants her for his release, and not because he wants to feel close to her or wants to show love to her, that’s the quickest way to shut her off that I know.
Look, both parties should give sexually. A wife should make love as enthusiastically and as often as she can. But a husband also should love and honor his wife when she is unable to do that. And to say, “well, she’s only having her period, and her hand is still fine”, or “she has to wait six weeks to have intercourse, but she could do something else”, to me, is being a little selfish. First, many women are just simply sick through their periods. I know several friends who can’t get out of bed for three days, and one of them has a husband who is still asking her to satisfy him in other ways. How is that loving your wife?
I spend a lot of time on this blog telling women to step up to the plate and learn to love sex and learn to love their man. That’s so important. But that message should not be distorted. Men should also step up the plate and learn to love their women, and that means being patient when she is feeling distinctly unsexy or extremely tired and sick–assuming these conditions are temporary. If you demand something during those times, you’re not really loving her, anymore than if she is consistently refusing him when she is perfectly able to make love, then she is not really loving you.
If you really desire true intimacy in your marriage, both parties should learn give and take. That’s the mark of the Christian life. It isn’t getting every physical need met; it’s learning to love and learning to experience intimacy. Isn’t that what we should aim for?
UPDATE: If you want another look at this same issue, here’s my series on what the Bible passage “Do Not Deprive Each Other” means.
Again, I urge all women not to use this as a “get out of sex free” card. If you really resent sex and want any excuse not to have it, the best route is to figure out a way to actually love and anticipate it! And for that, may I suggest The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex? 🙂
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I completely agree with all of this, but it’s funny that you chose to write about this particular aspect of sex today because I just wrote about how SOMETIMES I think wives should have sex even if they don’t feel like it. Not all the time…if that characterizes the marriage, then it certainly would lead to resentment and not model God’s design and plan for sex. But if a husband (like mine) sometimes sacrifices his desire for sex when he knows I’m tired, emotional, etc, then I feel like I can and should also sacrifice my desire (or lack of) to please him. I know lots of women are told to just “put out” and please their husband all the time, and that they should never say no, and I don’t agree with that any more than I would tell a husband that he ALWAYS needs to suck it up and deal with it if his wife continuously turns him down for no good reason. That seems to put the husband in complete control. However, neither should the wife be in complete control of sex by constantly turning him down. Like you said, sex should be mutual and a give & take.
And there are women like me afraid to even talk with other women. My husband refuses to have sex, to even TALK about sex. He wanted me to describe being beat up by a woman I know and “give him a hand”. He would demand this or no physical intimacy at ALL. We have been married for over 3 decades and honestly it feels like something must be horribly wrong with me. I tried the sexy nighty(at least I was foolish enough to feel sexy for almost 3 minutes) then the laughing, holding his sides and pointing started. Until he saw the tears, then he lunged at me screaming in my face that I should have known I looked ridiculous. Then days of silence then a demand that I apologize for over reacting. Attempts to quitely talk about what I want are met with shouts of shut the @#* up! I know I’m not wanted, I know I’m not loved and I don’t have anywhere to go or friends to talk to. I’ve tried and he scares them off.
Please sweetie, let me encourage you to seek some couseling for yourself. Maybe your Pastor’s wife?? What you are being put through sounds more like abuse rather that a man being focused solely on his own needs. I feel your hurt and pain in your comment and although I am not able to offer you some rich wisdom, I do want to offer you encouragement and make sure that you know that no matter what you may be going through, you are loved by the King Most High and you are His Princess!
Debbie, your story absolutely breaks my heart. You’re right that your husband doesn’t love you, but that’s ALL about HIM, and NOT about YOU. He’s a monster to treat anyone like this, let alone his wife, and you deserve so much more. You probably won’t be able to believe that, because your self-esteem will have been so brutalised by living with his hatred for so long, but it’s true. Don’t be ashamed of the way he has humiliated you – the shame is all heaped on him. The fact that you have been living with this abusive animal for three decades makes my heart hurt. Look, marriage is a two-sided contract. Your evil husband has been breaking the vows he made in that contract – to love, honour and cherish you – every day for 30 years. Therefore, you are free to leave with a clear conscience (whatever some misguided Christians may tell you). I know that divorcing (or even just leaving) after all this time will be an almost overwhelming thought. You may think you’re not strong enough, and that the reactions of others may also be too much to face. That is to be expected, as your spirit has been broken by this vile man. But you ARE strong enough, and although at times it may seem impossibly hard, believe me, you will never look back. This man has robbed you of three decades, but it’s never too late to start enjoying the life God intended you to have. Even to be alone would be a blessed relief – and then you will find that you start to make friends and find support and love from the people around you. It would be a hard-hearted person, and one who has no understanding of the heart of God, who thinks you should waste another day of your life with this man. I hope and pray with all my heart that you do whatever it takes to escape and enjoy the rest of the one precious life that God has given you.
Debbie, I’ve been on vacation so I haven’t been able to reply to this comment until now. But this is not healthy, and is very dangerous. You really need to talk to a good Christian mentor about this, and then find someone to talk to your husband on your behalf (or seek counseling). This is one of those cases where the church needs to come alongside one of the spouses and support them. Your husband obviously has some major issues and needs some help, and I just want to reassure you that you are not the cause. I pray that you will find someone to talk to and receive some great guidance from!
Debbie, I was in a situation with some similarities for 10 years. It turned out my husband was very heavily involved in pornography and had a very bad sex addiction which I eventually found out he was acting out with women he was meeting on-line. When it came to our sex life he was extremely critical and controlling. I thought there had to be something wrong with me and the shame of what I was experiencing was too great to tell anyone. The behavior started on our wedding night and I lived with the shame for our entire marriage. I thought it was all me and he repeatedly told me it was my fault. I hated myself and secretly hated him. I had caught him looking at porn several times through our marriage but had no idea how beyond that it went. I wouldn’t be surprised if that isn’t what is going on in your marriage. I met with my ex-husband’s sex addiction therapist and he told me that it had absolutely NOTHING to do with me and that most men who are sex addicts are narcissistic and that where behavior like you shared comes from. We did end up getting divorced because I found out he was still meeting women. But I do believe marriages can be healed if both are willing to do their part. If this is the case in your marriage, please don’t keep it a secret like I did. Keeping that secret almost killed me. I was so miserable I was fighting the urge to cut (and I knew how crazy it was) . I just wanted to die. Please find someone you trust to talk to. INSIST that he get help and know that it is NOT YOUR PLACE TO FIX HIM (another thing his therapist who was a Christian, told me.) Regardless, you need to get some help. This is not normal behavior and God wants so much more for you than this.
Absolutely! Keeping things a secret is often the worst thing to do. You need to recruit some help. Talk to a mentor, a pastor, or a counselor, and get someone to either sit down with both of you, or confront him and have a good talk with him!
Oh my Debbie! I see you wrote this a few years ago, but your story breaks my heart. I see no love in your husbands actions or words, only hate and abuse. I do hope that you sought help or left to be in a safe place-even after dealing with that for over 30 years.
Abuse is not part of anything God wants in a marriage. A skilled counselor who practices accountability can make a huge difference. A friend of ours had a husband who was very mean, and worked very hard to drive her friends from their house. She, by God’s grace discovered a wonderful counselor who had her move out. She had no income, but moved in with her son. She told her husband that she loved him, but she needed to get some help. After a period of time working with the counselor her husband was called in. He had not shed a tear in over 20 years of marriage, but in 20 minutes he was flooding the place with his tears. She opened him up and got him to share the pain in his life. The embarked on a accountable journey together after this, and took small steps to change behaviors which were wrong and had caused so much pain. One day about three months later, the councilor said they had made good progress and could once again share their home together. They still stayed under her watchful eye to make sure the changes were established permanently. That was several years ago, and they are doing very well to this day! God is so good! Don’t stay stuck in the same place, move your feet today by faith to a place where God can begin to bless and encourage you! What God has done for others He will do for you! My Sweetie and I will be praying! God bless you!
There is this spiritual fruit called “self-control.” If a man can’t control himself sexually, and he finds himself with an ill wife, what will he do? We know a man like that. His wife was ill and unable to have sex for FOUR WEEKS. They survived. We have to be careful in the church not to turn sex into an idol like the rest of the world does. One of the things Joel Beeke says in his book “Friends and Lovers,” is that we also run the risk of turning an orgasm into an idol and that totally blows the intimacy issues apart if it’s only about physical pleasure. There has to be a melding of body and mind. I have been married for 25 years, have a a very healthy sex life, and have had periods longer than 5 days where I had to tell him no. It’s called grace. When it becomes a habit, that is another story altogether. My husband doesn’t enjoy it unless I do.
Sheila, once more your wisdom and wordcraft amaze me! I just got your book and my husband is so happy to see it on our bedside table LOL!
THANKS for your great work!
Melinda
Thank you for this! After reading the post you referenced and all the comments from frustrated men (whick honestly made me uncomfortable), I went and grabbed my husband and had some fun. 🙂 I’m so thankful that my husband is loving and understanding when I don’t want to and enthusiastic when I do want to! Makes me want to give more even when I don’t “feel like it.” Thanks for your encouragement, Sheila!
That’s awesome that reading the posts by some of those men made you feel more grateful for your own husband! 🙂 I often feel that way, too.
Great post. I fall into the 30% that want sex during the period. My husband, though, doesn’t like the mess. So, I wait. When we first married, my period lasted 7 days. Now it’s 3. 🙂
If you don’t want sex during that time, be extra flirty. By the time you’re done, you’ll both be ready for some fun.
I am so thankful for this blog. I’m one of the women who just hasn’t gotten aroused during pregnancy. None of the old tricks work. We’re just a few weeks from delivery, and I can’t wait to have my drive back!
Thank you! I was one of those women who read many marriage and “how to be a Godly wife” books, sat in multiple ladies’ S.S. classes, and attended retreats and conferences. All of them said exactly what you stated. But NOTHING was there about how I, the wife, was to enjoy sex, too. It led to my feeling used, resentful and frustrated and to my dh being lazy about sex. It was a terrible blow to our sex life and ultimately our marriage. It took over 16 years before this was turned around.
Personally, I think that those promote the idea that husbands should never be allowed to go more than a few days without sexual release do significantly more damage to a marriage than help. Sex is mutual, and should be approached with both the husband AND the wife’s pleasure in mind.
Great post! I however have the opposite problem. My husband has a very low libido and would be happy with just a couple times a month. I on the other hand would love 4-5 times a week. We try to meet somewhere in the middle. He understands my drive is WAY higher than his and I understand his is lower than mine. We both try to give and take so neither of us feel used or resentful.
Agreed! I so related to the woman you used as an example of not wanting sex. I used to be that woman who hated sex and saw it akin to another chore I had to get done. And when I saw my DH having emotional temper tantrums when I declined him it 1) made me feel MEGA guilty which fed my insecurity of imperfectionism of not being good enough or doing enough and 2) made me angry and hurt that he just wanted to USE ME for his jollies and get his rocks off because sex was really just about him and his needs, and I was the one being selfish!
I so give praise to God that our sex life now is mutual and intimate!!! We’ve both matured and grown over the past 17 years. I’ve learned to be able to communicate I need less of his crotch thrown in my face (sorry for the lewdness of that mental picture, but that’s the truth of it) and that I need LOTS of foreplay (light physical touch all over my body purposely NOT touching my sacred nether regions until the very END of foreplay-(making out, necking, kissing, exploring); it so helps get my brain focused for full on connecting/love making), and I find myself being amazed with the depth of desire and passion he’s able to arise/awaken in me that I actually hunger for him and want to touch, suckle, kiss HIM all over! The more my DH is able to sexually, emotionally, and spiritually love me with such patience and attention I’m so much more inclined and open to sex and even quickies and even am the one suggesting it! Who would have thunk that day would ever happen where I was the initiator!!!! Living in sexual freedom with my spouse the way God created it to be is amazing!!!
Well, I was one of the people you referenced who said the wife should be willing to “lend a hand.” And I still say that. Should a husband demand sex during the wife’s period? No, neither spouse should be demanding sex. I believe the best marriages are those where neither spouse is demanding anything because both spouses are doing their utmost to be generous to each other. During the wife’s period, the husband should be offering to cook meals, clean the house, run the errands, watch the kids so she can take a bubble bath, whatever she needs. And the wife should be offering to take care of her husband sexually. This is the way my DH and I approach our marriage. It isn’t about learning to accept the least amount your spouse can give. It is about learning to be an generous as possible to your spouse so that they don’t feel the need to “demand” anything.
Absolutely sex should be mutual. But mutually satisfying and intimate sex doesn’t only mean both people orgasm. One of the most beautiful, selfless, and loving things a person can do for their spouse is offer sexual gratification just for the pleasure of the other person. It is hugely satisfying and intimate when a wife says “Honey, I’m on my period and I don’t feel up to intercourse tonight, but how about I do something just for you?” It is just as satisfying and intimate when a husband says, “Dear, I’m really tired from a long day at work and I don’t feel up to intercourse. How about I do something just for you?” In each case, the spouse has the option to gratefully accept, “I would love that, thank you!” or gracefully decline, “Thank you so much for offering, but let’s wait until tomorrow when you feel better.” Both of those situations are examples of mutual, intimate sex where only one person orgasms. Even if the offer is declined in favor of waiting, it goes so far toward making both people feel sexually desired and cared for. And those situations only encourage more love and generosity in the marriage. They draw the couple closer together, the way sex is designed to.
Look, if a woman’s period is so bad that she can’t get out of bed, then of course her husband shouldn’t be expecting her to offer herself sexually. I doubt there are many Christ-following husbands who are demanding sex when their wife can’t get out of bed. But if a woman is able to take some Midol and go about her normal daily activities (work, school, grocery shopping, playdate with the kids, cooking, cleaning, whatever) I don’t think it is too much to ask that she offer her hand or her mouth to her husband for 20 minutes. If a wife can “suck it up” and not let her period interrupt her daily routine, but is not willing to be sexually generous to her husband, then in my opinion she needs to seriously re-examine her priorities.
something about this comment makes me sick!!!!
you should elaborate.
Elaborating – I agree with mutuality; but to tell a woman “suck it up” for your husband’s sake is crass and unnecessary. It takes all the mutuality out of an intimate act.
I was not intending to be crass. What I said is that if a woman is willing to push through the pain/sickness associated with her period and not let it affect her normal daily routine, she should be giving the same consideration and priority to taking care of her husband’s needs. Offering sex out of generosity does NOT at all take the mutuality and intimacy away.
I agree with you on this…I do think that sometimes turning down sex or refusing to do anything to please him when you don’t feel like it (for whatever reason) is selfish. Not always selfish but it really can be. My husband can walk in the door from work and take over watching the kids so that I can get a break even when he’s really tired. He has the self-discipline and love for me to sit down and have some face-to-face time when he’s exhausted and “talked out” because he knows it means a lot to me. I feel like it’s the same way for sex…I should be able to put aside my own feelings, desires, etc to do something that I know will make him happy and not act like it’s a chore. Because it really shouldn’t be a chore. It should make us happy to make him happy. Do I think this should be the norm in a marriage? NO. But I think it has its place.
I, too, agree with you, Amanda. There should be a happy medium. There are some situations where the husband is always demanding that the wife do EVERYthing alone, never speaks her love language, and expects her to put out for him most every night. That is selfish and so very wrong. Then, there’s the wife who never wants speak her husbands’ love language (which is usually physical touch, i.e. sex), expects him to do “his fair share” of the house work when she’s a SAHM, spends every single extra penny that they have without allowing him any input, and expects him to spend every minute of the weekend getting her out of the house to do fun things when he’s been out of the house working all week long. I actually know someone like this. They have sex the same amount of times in a year- yes, I said year- that my hubby and I have in a WEEK. She says, “If I’m not feeling it, then I’m just not feeling it.” That, too, is selfish and so very wrong.
If we’re willing to give of ourselves, even when we don’t necessarily want to, then our husbands will want to please us and speak our love language(s). At least that’s the way it works in our house… My honey treats me like a queen, which in turn makes me *want* to treat him like a king (and I do). To be really corny, it’s like a big circle of giving and receiving love. When I’m giving of myself (which might be offering “a hand” when I’m on my period), he responds to that by giving of himself (which might be turning it down because he knows I don’t feel good). That’s the way marriage works. You have to give without demanding or even expecting anything in return, just because you love your spouse. There will be times throughout life when your spouse isn’t able to give of themselves, whether it’s because they’re not feeling well or just because they’ve had a bad day at work. We shouldn’t get upset about that and have the attitude “Well, if he’s not going to meet my needs, then I shouldn’t have to meet his.” I don’t know about everyone else, but my vows didn’t say “’til death do us part as long as he’s doing the same for me.” We just have to keep *our* hearts right and do what *we’re* supposed to do and let the Lord work on the hubbies.
Also, we should keep in mind that men do have hearts…they’re not just this big ball of testosterone walking around waiting for their wife to “give it up.” We have to minister to their hearts, and if that takes giving a helping hand while I’m on my period or having sex when I don’t feel like it (which by the end, I’m always very glad that I did :)), then so be it. Now, I’m not saying that I never turn him down, but it happens *so* rarely that he doesn’t mind a bit and is perfectly willing to cuddle me to sleep. He’s learned over the years that if I turn him down, there’s good reason- not just because I’m “not feeling it.” I love, love, LOVE my husband and one of my biggest goals in life is to please him. And you know what? He feels the exact same way about me.
On a side note, when voicing (or typing) a disagreement, I think we should all be careful to be mature and try to have an adult conversation without being insulting. 🙂
Hi Amanda,
I think that it is great that you have found what works for you and your husband, but I think that you are a little off to imply that what you are doing is the RIGHT way and if wives aren’t doing that then they are in the WRONG. What I feel from reading Sheila’s article is not that she disagrees with what you are doing, but that she sees that it isn’t the right way for everyone and that wives shouldn’t feel guilty over this issue if they really are doing *most* everything else right in their marriage. If a wife feels particularly unsexy, etc. during that time and things are great the rest of the time then that can be an area where the husband can sacrifice and exhibit self control. For my husband and me, we love the build up of knowing that we aren’t going to have sexual release for a few days and then as soon as I’m off we are both so excited to have fun that it is completely amazing. I feel like abstaining for a few days makes our sex life even better, and we get to have other fun while I’m on my period and abstaining that we may not do otherwise. That is what works for us. Likewise, I really don’t expect my husband to cook meals and watch the kids while I take a bubble bath while I’m on my period. My whole point is just that I don’t think that there is a RIGHT answer to the “lend a hand” or not argument. There are many areas where you should sacrifice for your husband and there are many areas where your husband should sacrifice for you. Those areas just aren’t the same in everyone’s marriage.
Amanda, these are excellent comments and i agree fully. It is so loving when each spouse is generous with always trying to fulfilling the needs of the other spouse. This is in line with all the marriage verses in the Bible. Thanks.
Thank you for this post! Before I got married my mom told me, “Men **need**sex. Woman, while they might like it, they don’t **need** it.” I love my mom and she is full of wisdom, but this is completely untrue for our marriage! In fact, I’m more of the one that wants it 5-6 times a week and my hubby is the one that wants it more like 3-5 times a week. A lot of the preconceived ideas I had about sex before I got married were just not true for us!
PS. Hubby knew I read your blog and then bought The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex for me. He read it on the way to the wedding (he was 10 hours away from where the wedding took place) and I read it on our honeymoon! Thank you so much for your book!!!!
The Need-ology of sex is a masterfully perpetrated ruse to put women at odds with men. Men can use it to justify “demands” (which I will talk about in a bit). Women (particularly “spiritual women”) use it to hold their husbands at bay, by attacking their carnal nature.
What it ignores is the inherently spiritual nature of sex. If marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, think about the times when there is mutual enjoyment. Think about the times when you have felt like you were serving…to what end???? And I am satisfied that the Lord has stood by you when you weren’t doing what you should.
I am with Amanda. Enjoyment of sex is not simply, “I wanna, you wanna…let’s!” Sometimes, my enjoyment can be her enjoyment and vice versa. There are a lot of relational dynamics in sex: Giving, receiving, taking, offering, probably more that I can’t think of. They all serve a purpose and all are inherently mutual.
Demands. What constitutes a demand? When my wife and I had sex 3-4 times a year and only when she initiated, she would characterize my requests in between as something like demands. I take that word with a grain of salt.
I know Sheila, that you seek healthy marriages and sex life for people. I do think though that you do provide some of your readers with ammo to use against their husbands (since this blog is targeted at women) when they may well already not be generous.
I’ve never experienced this undercurrent telling wives to give it up or their hubbies will cheat. Maybe it is geographical. I have only ever seen that men need to exercise self-control, where this is about the only activity the bible encourages over-indulgence, in the right context.
I’ve definitely been exposed to the idea that husbands will cheat if wives don’t provide enough sex. I’ve read it in books and blogs and heard it in sermons, so it’s definitely out there. If there are people using this site as ammo then I believe they are twisting what Sheila is saying, or perhaps taking just one post without reading the rest of her blog entries for context.
To the larger point, I find that if I am open to my husband’s advances even when I’m not in the mood at the beginning I can get in the mood pretty quickly. On the other hand, I have lupus and am often sick, and my husband will sometimes tell me that he is in the mood but would rather wait until I’m feeling better. This makes me feel loved and cherished, and sometimes it inspires a little spark in spite of being sick or tired, or both. As the post states, it’s about give and take. There aren’t hard and fast rules, just mutual love, understanding, and compromise from both partners.
The idea that if a husband and/or wife is not sexually satisfied, then they will commit adultery, is not just some random something that someone came up with so men would have an excuse.
I Corinthians 7:2 says “Nevertheless, *to avoid fornication*, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” That is where this idea originated.
The Bible goes on to say in verses 3-5 “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
I think that last verse makes null and void the whole “I’m not feelin’ it” excuse for us ladies. It’s one thing to be sick, on your period, or have a newborn baby, but it’s a completely different story when it comes to just not being “in the mood.” The days of not feeling well enough to please our husbands should be so few and far between that when we are sick or even just really tired, he won’t feel defrauded.
Before we got married my husband talked to one of his mentors. This man gave my hubby some great advice. He said, “it’s your responsibility to do everything you can to help your wife enjoy sex. If she doesn’t enjoy it, work with her to figure out why and you fix it. If you do this then your wife will reciprocate and you’ll get all you want without even asking.”
This advice has been great! Sex is never an obligation for either of us. If I don’t want to, or he doesn’t, we each know it isn’t personal and we’ll get some soon, which makes it easy to wait.
It’s so true – sex is mutual. Everyone’s situation is different, but when a husband and wife can get to a place where they are focused on how they can serve each other sexually a lot of things cease to be issues.
For starters, I agree wholeheartedly with Amanda’s post. While this blog in general does a wonderful job of blessing marriage by encouraging wives to enjoy sex, this post does give the selfish wife the justification to set generosity aside when circumstances occur outside the husbands control.
Sheila obviously does not have first hand experience at being a man accustomed to regular sex abstaining from orgasm for 5+ days. The physiological, emotional and spiritual response can be overwhelmingly negative. I’d speculate that most men who are forced into these dry spells just address the physiological need with secret masturbation. So the choice for the wife here really becomes; Do you want to be the sole provider of sexual satisfaction for your husband that God has called you to be, or are you satisfied for your husband to respond to your rejection through masturbation?
The bible is clear that any abstinence from sex in marriage should be 1) temporary 2) agreed to, and 3) accompanied by prayer. There is never any justification for one spouse to force abstinence on the other.
this post does give the selfish wife the justification to set generosity aside when circumstances occur outside the husbands control.<—— I did not get that from this post.
I’d speculate that most men who are forced into these dry spells just address the physiological need with secret masturbation.<—- pure speculation on your part.
Ultimately, what I get from your reply is that men are sex crazed animals (strong word) whom if their needs aren't met on a regular basis will resort to anything to have them met. And on top of it all you can use scripture to justify this position. I respectfully say all men are not like that. Men are not controlled by their urges unless they choose to be, and life is bigger than sex.
I hate these underlying messages that are propagated to Christian women and to a lesser extent men. No wonder so many are confused and posts like this exists.
PS – I am not anti-sex or anti-intimacy in marriage.
I feel that Sheila’s focus on this blog (as a whole) is geared towards teaching women how to change themselves/their ideas in order to better their marriage. It has worked wonders for me. This just happens to be ONE post (referencing the post to men) where she is talking to men in a sea of 1000 posts geared towards women. If it is used by a selfish wife to justify setting generosity aside then it is being used out of the context of this blog in my opinion.
Do remember that one of the fruits of the spirit is self-control, so I whole-heartedly believe that my godly husband and most godly husbands can abstain for a few days (or six weeks) if necessary for the well-being of the wife (emotionally or physically). I can’t speak for anyone else, but I am very thankful that the mutual respect that my husband and i have for one another ensures that I never have to feel the way I felt when reading your post. “Do you want to be the sole provider of sexual satisfaction for your husband that God has called you to be, or are you satisfied for your husband to respond to your rejection through masturbation?” — if abstaining from sex a few days a month leads my husband to stray from me, then i feel that the foundation on which our marriage is built is sand and not rock. I agree with this thought, “There is never any justification for one spouse to force abstinence on the other.”, but where our ideas split is that in a marriage built on mutual respect, no spouse would be forcing the other to abstain. If one of us JUSTLY needed to abstain, then the other would definitely agree to it for their well-being.
Just wanted to drop a quick note and say: GREAT POST!!!!! 😀 I think God designed sex to be fun, not miserable. BOTH people should be in tune with the others’ needs, and be willing to give, give, give! Keep up the good work, Sheila.
A male perspective for the ladies 🙂 –
One of the interesting aspects of male sexuality that I think is often a misnomer is that when a man want sex it’s first and foremost for his pleasure. It starts with the urge but is much more than at. As a man I can tell you that it’s vital to feel that the woman wants to have sex and recieve pleasure from YOU. That YOU give her pleasure. A man’s orgasm varies in very small degrees. For him the physical release will be similar everytime. For myself, therefore, much of the pleasure of sex comes from feeling that I have an ability to give pleasure to my partner. I strive to put my partner’s needs first not out of a sense of obligation but because it really truly gives me a deep satisfaction. I know my physical release will happen but without feeling that my partner is getting something satisfying (even if it isn’t always an orgasm) then my sexual experience feels very empty.
Sex, like relationships and many things in life, is infinitely deeper and more satisfying when the needs of the other person are put first. So remember ladies, try to feel flattered when your husband wants to have sex because there’s a good chance he’s hoping that he can satisfy your needs and wants and that he’s not just thinking of himself!! (Fyi I’m an non-religious man. Not sure how I got here). I hope this perspective adds something. 🙂
It’s enlightening (amusing? scary?) to see the variety of comments that come from the suggestion that husbands give wives time to, say, finish menstruating. I’m sure the variety of opinions is helped by the vast variety of experiences women have while on their periods. I’m told some women are lucky enough to have two and three day cycles with little to no cramping. Others of us have fun seven or eight-day bleedfests accompanied by fainting and puking. Obviously what works out for one person would suck for another, and could end in a pukey mess.
Wow, the thought of all these “Christian” guys expecting “help” when their wives are on their periods, regardless of the woman’s feelings, is enough to make this woman steer clear of church-going men for good. Yikes!
“When sex becomes an obligation in a marriage, that marriage is going downhill.”
1 Corinthians 7 makes it very clear that sex is an obligation. It may not sound romantic, but its a fact.
Loving God is a obligation too. Its the first of 10 Commandments.
when Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he cited this.
So how is commanded love, loving? Is it love? of course it is.
Are we obligated to love our children? Of course we are.
Husbands are told to love their wives? Is it loving if we are TOLD that we have to?
Why is sex supposed to be different? You are obligated to have sex with your spouse. The bible says so.
That’s the truth.
I get the point of the article and I agree with most of it. Certainly sex was created for women as much as for men and both spouses should work toward a mutually satisfying sex life that they both can look forward to. I agree. But that doesn’t mean that sex isn’t an obligation. I believe the fact that it is commanded raises its importance in marriage.
How many times have we heard people say that they are a good spouse even though they deny their spouse sex? This is very common. “Look at all the things that I do for them. How can they complain about this one little area?”
Ok, but you are defrauding your wife.
Ok, but you’re cheating your husband and in rebellion against God.
I see what you’re saying, and perhaps I phrased it wrong. Here is what I meant to say:
“When sex is presented to women as PRIMARILY an obligation, that will guarantee that her libido will be killed.”
God does not ask us to love Him without first loving us. It’s mutual. And sex should be mutual, too. God created it for women as much as for men. And when we start saying, “men need sex and can’t last five days without it, so women need to service him,” we make sex into something very transactionally based and obligation based.
I firmly believe that there is a role to “helping your husband out” or just giving or quickies or any of those things. I’ve written about all of that hundreds of times. What I am firmly against is this idea that you seem to be propagating, too, that sex needs to primarily be seen as an obligation. No, it doesn’t. Sex is primarily a way to connect and show love. Perhaps if we talked about it more that way, rather than simply in terms of the need for an orgasm, more people would have healthier sex lives!
Amen!
Yep, some of the comments you read by men on these marriage websites are precisely why Christian women are beginning to advise each other not to risk marrying a Christian man! (I’m not kidding). Look, guys, here’s a quick lesson in the blindingly obvious: there’s no quicker way to make sex unappealing to your wife than by demanding it, regardless of how she feels. No better way of making yourself unattractive and frankly repellent than by sexual coercion. No no effective way of losing your wife’s respect – she wants a real man, not some oaf (because if you can enjoy sex knowing the other person isn’t enjoying it, there’s something very wrong with you). And really, no one past the age of 14 should need telling that. Of COURSE, a sexless marriage has problems that need addressing. Of COURSE you should ask if you want more/different sex to be happy. Of COURSE you can explain to her why sexual rejection hurts. But here’s a little clue (again from the ‘stating the obvious’ files): why do I enjoy nothing more than making love with my husband? Why can I not keep my hands off him? Why am I keen to give him pleasure even if I’m occasionally not in the mood or unable to participate myself? Because, while making it obvious he finds me desirable, he also wouldn’t WANT to have sex with me unless I was an enthusiastic participant. Because he can’t stand the idea of it being a one-way experience. Because he hates the idea that he might be ‘using’ me simply for his own pleasure (if I want to lavish some attention purely on him, I have to convince him I really do want to!). All of which makes him 100 times more attractive, and makes me adore him and want to do my very best to be the most skilful and enthusiastic lover he could ever wish for. Because he DESERVES that, by not demanding to be serviced like I’m a slave or a hooker. Because he’s won my heart by being more concerned with my pleasure than his own (in life as well as in bed). Because he is decent and loving enough to understand that making love is an ‘us’ experience, not just about him. Now that’s what I call a man!! If I married one of these other guys (and good Lord, I’m grateful I didn’t!) I wouldn’t want to make love any more either – and I’d be wondering how I managed to make such an error of judgement and marry so far beneath me. So there we go, guys, a basic psychology lesson that you really shouldn’t need. Now, excuse me while I go and rip my husband’s clothes off. I’ve just reminded myself why he’s so utterly irresistible…
Kitty, great comment. I don’t really have anything to add! Glad so many of these negative comments are causing so many women to appreciate their own husbands! 🙂
I’m AM glad you have a wonderful marriage.
Reduce sex to once every 6 weeks for the next 17 years while at the same time tell him you’re very happy in your marriage, because you are. Its all good right, and sex shouldn’t be that important to him and besides, you’re tired every day and he’s wonderful so he won’t complain.
I’ve lived that for 17 years. After 17 years, I’ll bet you he’ll start complaining. Probably more so since he’s used to HAVING sex. I was used to NOT having sex with my self professed, happy wife. She was happy. Just didn’t think sex was important, and devoted all her energy to other things.
All I’m really saying is that there is a reason for the biblical instruction. Some people need it.
I always try to turn things around. You could be the most wonderful wife imaginable to a guy, but yet, he may come home tired from work every night and play XBOX nightly till he passes out. Never talks to you except” whats for dinner” and “lets have sex.” These guys are out there right?
Well, the bible instructs us to love our wives and to live with them in an understanding way. (and more)
Why should this guy need this instruction? Who wants it if it isn’t mutual?
At the very least, (the most really) God wants it. That’s why its in the book, to instruct us when we are in error, to change our hearts., and to change our ways.
It’s kind of interesting in our marriage. My sex drive has always been higher than his, especially during his depression that lasted for many years. He has been on an anti-depressant that works wonderfully for a couple of months now, and it was tricky at first because a side effect was to make sex more difficult. He was ashamed and afraid to try. But I kept encouraging him, and told him things that I have read on your blog, and he got to the point where he gained enough courage to try….at first we worked things out to where we would try different things to make it easier for him (different kinds of stimulation, etc), and I consistently let him know how much he was pleasuring me and how much I enjoyed pleasuring him. I don’t know if the side effect eventually wore off or if he gained so much confidence from my love and my attitude and has been feeling so much better emotionally that things righted themselves (or both), but we have sex now more than we have since the first couple of years. And it was so neat, he started a new job recently and has to be there EARLY in the morning, but the other night we couldn’t go to sleep until we had sex because we desired one another so much, even though it was late and he needed to go to sleep. So we had GREAT sex, and then he was out like a light, and felt great and not sleepy at all the next day. I told him, see how much better sex can make you feel! I keep that in mind, too, when I’m feeling especially tired.
But, as for when I’m on my period or whatnot, I still want sex but he is grossed out by the thought of blood getting on him…..and I offer to pleasure him in other ways, but usually even if he wants sex he feels like it’s not fair to me (though I try to tell him I really want to do that for him!) and tells me that he can wait a few days. He doesn’t feel that it’s a big deal at all to wait until my period is over, and he tells me that if we wait until I’m off my period and just cuddle and rub on each other until then, sex will be even better because we want it so badly. I was actually surprised to read here that many men think that’s too long to wait! He’s very caring and unselfish and has a lot of self control. I’m so thankful for that, because I know he won’t go crazy if for some reason I can’t have sex.
For people who have a hard time “getting in the mood” or who demand that their spouses pleasure them, I just have to say that sex (and sexual activities) is so much better when you focus on it as an act of love rather than simply a physical thing. Even when you have super rough sex that leaves fingerprint bruises, it is still an intimate act of love! If you focus on how much you love your spouse, it seems to me that would serve both to make someone “in the mood” and also to make someone more patient.
Reading the statements above, I just amazed at how selfish/immature some guys are, if unable to go 5 days or whatever without whining about it. Only two weeks into our marriage, my wife confided in me that she “just isn’t really into having sex very often.” She took the edge off if that by following up with, “don’t worry, I promise to let you know whenever I’m in the mood”. Well, 17 years later she has NEVER been “in the mood.” Not even once. To clarify, we have not had sex (in any form) ever again. For up to a year, about once a month or so I would ask or try to get her interested in kindling that physical connection to which she would ALWAYS decline, sometimes annotated with a statement like, “you men, that’s all you ever think about!” So, I eventually gave up, for fear that my efforts were selfish and placing undue guilt or pressure on her. My point being that, eventually, anyone (men included) CAN learn to cope and accept abstinence as a lifestyle, even if not by choice. Mercifully, God gives us all the remarkible ability to sublimate, repress, and innhiliate our own sexuality as a way to persevere when he chooses to test our character, faith, and commitment.
You wife is in sin and in rebellion against God.
read 1st Cor 7.
read Revelation 3 regarding Laodicea
read Matt. 18
I don’t admire your marriage at all. You are the spiritual leader of your household and you just gave up. You really don’t HAVE a marriage. Your wife is defrauding you, long term, and you are defending not making an issue of it?
That isn’t Christ-like at all. HE makes an issue of our sin. In fact He requires our very lives.
You need to do something about your marriage. Get pastoral counseling. Marriage counseling. If she refuses, take her to the elders of your church.
I’m sorry you’re going through this brother, and I’m sorry if I seem harsh. I’m sure you’re a good guy, but I believe you’ve gone in the wrong direction. You know, I think I did for a long time too. Partly because of my fear and avoidance of conflict. Eventually I pushed the issue and it did get better.
LS
I get so frustrated with these kinds of posts, books, and talks. Yes women are not to with hold sex… But what if… What if he is the one with holding sex? I have tried everything, from starting each sexual encounter which to be honest gets old and fast. to not touching him at all till he touches me… sigh however that didn’twork either we went about 6 weeks with that idea. I have talked to him over and over again about it, and i dont want it to be something i nag him about. It’s just so frustrating… any adivce would be appreciated.. Thank you
Megan, that’s really common, and affects about 30% of marriages. Have you seen my series on it that I did in March? It begins here, and then talks about how to communicate your needs properly to your spouse.
Some of these men on here are very childish. My wife and I have very different libidos. I would love 4-5 times per week. She would be fine with 1 per month. This has added stress for our marriage over the years. But THAT ISN’T WHAT THIS POST WAS ABOUT.
Is it too much to ask that we love our wive’s enough to sacrifice in their time of need? I think THAT is what the Bible says we do, and ridiculous to say otherwise.
No, wive’s shouldn’t use this as an excuse to withhold on purpose. But men should accept it as a sacrifice that LOVE demands. And to be honest, a very small (although not fun) sacrifice.
My 6yr marriage is in a very serious condition. Because of his anger problem, past porn addiction and past emotional affair, I am in a place where my heart is closed off to him. I am seeking God in prayer and study and we have had 2 counseling sessions (he will not go back). He feels I have a duty to satisfy him sexually because of 1st Corinthians 7:5. I want to have a healthy and intimate sex life but I cannot seem to open up in this way while my heart is so closed off to him. I have been hurt and betrayed and have to work through that to trust him again. I don’t know how to handle his demand short of physically separating from him for the time being until he is ready to humbly work on our marriage. Any advice in the area of a response when he is tells me it is my duty would be very welcome:-)
Another male viewpoint:
Most men have a strong God-given sex drive. We are different from women. Nobody needs to apologize or deny his/her sexuality. 1 Corinthians 7:5 is so clear that both spouses shall not defraud each other.
Both spouses shall enjoy sexual intimacy with a loving and caring attitude, with enthusiasm, on a frequent and regular basis.
If there are bona fide health issues precluding intercourse, then oral or manual sex can be done. During menstruation or pregnancy when the above options are honestlly not feasible, then a loving wife will encourage her husband to masturbate, to enjoy the needed sexual release.
Women can understand male physiology, but cannot possibly understand the feeling of when the accumulating semen fills the male glands. Normal healthy sexual release is every 2 to 3 days. Waiting 5 days is almost unbearable to a man.
The statement about Christian single men refraining from sex is only half true, if even that much. While they can refrain from sexual intercourse as a single man, virtually all single men masturbate on a regular basis. And it can be done without lusting and porn, though that is not the norm. This is the reality of how men really are. Concerning the time of no sex for 6 weeks, again, no man can go that long without sexual release.
I think you are letting men off a little easy. I believe God’s word teaches abstinence for 7 days during a wife’s period. After birth, it is 40 days for boys and 80 for girls. As with many of the Old Testament laws, as a couple, we don’t view this as lawful now because of Christ death on the cross, however, we view this as a healthy thing to do much like having boys circumcised on the 8th day rather than days 1 or 2. Yes, it can be hard to wait for a guy, but it should be easy to love your wife.
My husband has been amazing. One thing I would love to see you write on is healing sexually from date rape. I was brainwashed into I couldn’t say no. Was raped. Then only said no. Now I am married, miraculously (infrequent) have a son and am working on saying yes.
I am finding this article late but I am in a situation where my husband doesn’t want to make love to me and we will go months without but he always asks to be pleasured in ways that are not mutual. I think I would understand more if he didn’t want any sexual contact but this is so hurtful and I find myself becoming increasingly resentful and depressed about it. I am still young, in my 30’s, and fit but I feel very unattractive to him. He gets upset with me when I initiate so I have stopped asking. He believes my appetite for sex is beyond normal and tells me so. But at the same time he will say things like if I pleasure him more in non mutual ways I may somehow earn sex at a later date. I just don’t understand his viewpoint and I feel guilty for being so worked up over our lack of intimacy all the time as marriage should be so much more than that. He has also given up his faith so things are getting harder to bear all around.
This is great in that it talks about give and take, but I think it falls one step short. Women can want sex too. Men should not be setting the pace for the physical relationship because all parts of our relationship should be equal.
We as wives should be giving and open to fun sex. But we should also be taking from our husbands. Sometimes it is a back run or patience or whatever, but it is just perpetuating more of the same problem if you think that all your husband should give is grace (not to say that grace isn’t a huge and loving gift, because it truly is).
Sometimes I want great sex!
Libido is not a “man thing” and female orgasms don’t have to be that hard to come by. We need to quit teaching girls and women that sex is craved and needed by men but a duty for women. Maybe the reason we think negatively about it is because we are taught to suppress our wants and desires. My husband and I share the desires of our hearts and the desires of our bodies. 6 weeks would be a long time for me to wait too! I need some intimacy, some fun, something sexy, and there is nothing wrong with that.
If you love sex you are not a weirdo. It makes me sad that women think we need to “learn” to like sex. It is in there. We just need to fire it up.
You are so right. We do need to be about mutually satisfying sex. It can be one sided. Women who don’t feel good when they have sex won’t desire it. The worst thing for a marriage is to be stuck in a rut when it comes to sex.
I see this post through both the eyes of a wife who once denied her husband of sex and now as one who initiates sex more than he does. With the birth of our first child I was in so much pain that is was nine weeks before we had sex. We tried a few times once cleared by my doctor but it felt like I was being ripped apart. I just needed more time to heal. Fortunately hubby was understanding about that and patient with me. Then over the next few years we had three more children, yes you read that right, we have four children who are less than four and a half years apart. Caring for these children took a lot of my time and energy. Hubby was not very good and helping me out. I was sleep deprived and exhausted all of the time. For those men who think that is just an excuse you couldn’t be more wrong. I would literally fall asleep if the house was quiet for more than a few minutes and sometimes even in the midst of chaos. Then when the fourth child was three she was diagnosed with cancer. I was just starting to feel less exhausted and now we were physically separated since I was with one daughter in the hospital while hubby was home with the others (when they weren’t with their grandmother). From the birth of the first child through the battle with cancer of the fourth child my husband and I grew further and further apart. Sex became a chore for me, just one more thing to make someone else happy at the end of a very long day. I didn’t understand how he always wanted it and he didn’t understand how exhausted and emotional spent I was. He was still not helping with the children or with any household stuff. He was very much wrapped up in his own interest and most of the time that didn’t include his family. I was alone and resentful. He began to demand sex and the more he demanded the more I refused. Then he got a new job, traveling on a weekly basis. I felt like I had some reprieve from the constant demands for sex. I was usually open to sex on weekends when he was home but as I had been the only one home with four children during the week I was still tired, emotionally and physically. We were on a once a week, sometimes twice a week sex schedule. This was actually more often than we had sex before the new job. He still was doing his own thing on weekends when he was home and I was still feeling very much alone. I knew things weren’t good in the marriage. I wasn’t happy and knew he wasn’t either. I wanted to see a counselor, he wanted to read self help books, neither wanted to bend and do what the other wanted. In August I discovered he had started an affair with a woman he met out of town. He always travelled to the same city so he saw her weekly. The affair started back in 2011, it has been going on for nearly three years before I found out. In the process of exposing everything about the affair I learned that before her there were four other women he had one or two night stands with. I was devastated puts it lightly, my world was shattered. I felt even more hopeless and confused than I did when my three year old daughter was diagnosed with cancer. That’s how much affairs rock your life. I knew things weren’t good but I didn’t think they were that bad. We have been in counseling and reading self help books (recommended by our counselor) since September. One of the things I have learned is that the first affairs, the one night stands, were him trying to satisfy the sexual release he needed and hadn’t been getting from me. But those left him empty too. So when he met this woman who he could talk to and relate to that affair filled what he was missing. He was having an emotional affair and sexual affair with her. She was the epitome of the adulterous woman, sending him nude photos, videos of them together, sexting, you name it she did it. Again, finding all this was devastating. When I confronted my husband I was prepared to tell him to leave, move out right then, and don’t contact me unless through a lawyer. But in that moment something in me said not to. We are working through a kind of therapy called emotionally focused therapy, I highly recommend this approach. We are learning what each other needs to feel safe, what in our past has shaped us to feel the way we do. Yes, we delved into our childhoods to learn some of this. Now we can express what we need and how we feel when those needs are met. We aren’t always good at it but we are getting better. The pain from the affairs is still very hard on me, I expect it will be for a long time. He has learned that I have felt very alone with him doing his own thing and not being part of the rest of the family. He is making a huge effort to be with us and show interest in what we do even when it doesn’t interest him. He works from home now and I homeschool our children so we are almost always together. He helps around the house, even mopped the kitchen the other day without me asking. I have learned that he feels loved through sex and feels very rejected when I turned him down. He knows now that I need time to shift from mommy to wife/lover role. He does things to help me make that transition. He used to yell and demand, now he talks quietly with me and just eases me into it. I have really taken a lot from Sheila’s posts over the last seven months. I have learned how my refusal led to some of the problems in our marriage. And don’t go thinking that I am blaming myself for his affairs. He made the choice to stray not me, but I didn’t do everything I could to keep him happy at home so I do feel a little responsible for his not being satisfied both sexually and otherwise. I am now the one who initiates sex most of the time. I can read his clues that he needs it, not just for the physical but also for the emotional. Throughout our whole marriage, even during the time he was having affairs, he was always very giving sexually. He always wanted to satisfy me, to please me. Now I understand that was his way of showing love to me because that was his was of feeling love from me. So my take is yes, some men will cheat if they are denied sex often enough for long enough. But at the same time men shouldn’t expect their wife to be a sexual machine there for their pleasure with no regard to the feelings of their wife. Mutual respect, love, and understanding are needed and I am happy to say my marriage is well on its way to being what I always thought a marriage should be.
I think this post had many good points, but I have to say, that as a woman, whose husband is withholding sex, I can really relate to men who say that it’s difficult to wait for 5 days. For me also. I can wait, but often I wish my husband wouldn’t wait for a week or two weeks before having sex…
Even though I’m a woman, I’ve actually noticed that lack of sex not only affect me emotionally, but also physically. I will feel an annoying pressure and frankly, the unfulfilled need annoys me both physically and emotionally. When you feel you have no right to want, unless your spouse decides to want, it’s painful. To me it’s not only physical release that I’m after, but the fact that my husband refuses to consider my needs, it feels extremely unloving! Let alone feeling of unattractiveness, when I’m not able to awake the desire in my husband… The deep rejection eats me everyday. And I can imagine it is the case of many men too.
It is a hurtful realisation, that you do not have Right to touch your partner’s body when you feel like it or show affection when you feel like. In my own case, my husband does give me non-sexual affection quite often, but he has told me that I have right to touch him only in certain way and gets annoyed if I touch him too much. In my marriage sometimes I feel like a man when it comes to our sex life.
My husband often complains to me that I don’t consider his feelings, if he feels small pain or feels acid after eating something heavy or has muscle pain after working out. That to him means he is “sick” and he has right to say no to sex and in fact I’m insensitive even asking. Sometimes he might announce me in the morning that he feels sick, which Im guessing is his way of making sure that he has an excuse to avoid sex with me later if he doesn’t like it.
I bet most people would tell me that my husband is using sex as a way to control. I do not believe his libido is low, since the situation was very opposite, he was up for it all the time. Even sometimes we would sit in the church, and he would have a boner and he’d tell me that. We do have sex, mostly once or twice a week. But to me it’s not enough first of all. Maybe it could be, if there was a good REASON for the not so frequent sex life or if he actually didnt’ feel angry when I initiated. I haven’t initiated in one year, I just let him to decide when we will have sex…
Of course there are times when we don’t feel like having sex with our partner. But I think that if you truly care for you partner, you will always feel like serving them in this area. If you have naturally just a low sex drive, it will not still kill you to do the sex more often than what you would “feel”, because after all, sex is INTIMACY.
Of course men who are demanding sex from their wives when they see clearly she is very unwell or have had baby and can’t for physical reasons, or occasional tiredness, they are being selfish.
But I think what many people here who say sex is an obligation, even on biblical grounds, they don’t mean cases of occasional refusal or cases where having sex would be extremely painful/uncomfortable, but if it is a frequent habit, where the other person doesn’t even WANT to make love. The want is not about your sexual Desire, or physical need only, it’s about wanting to give pleasure to your spouse, wanting to be close and intimate with them. If you don’t have that want in you, then I think it’s good to ask yourself why is that.
What if it’s the other way around and your husband is denying YOU any pleasure by withholding sex and intimacy. How do you fix it in that case?
I and my wife are working hard to help our marriage get better and closer. Our sex life is barely there. I’m not sure what the cause is to her lack of desire, but I have some ideas. The thing is I have tried to meet her in the middle and Even tried to get medication to turn my libido down/off, but my job doesn’t allow me to use such medication. I try to take care of “myself”but that only goes so far for so long. I do honestly feel guilty asking her for sex and I truely wish I could ignore my urges to be with her physically. I just can’t though I find her very desirable and love her so much. I’m trying my best to meet her needs whether that’s doing chores, putting my phone away to listen to her and focus on her need for communication and attention. It just doesn’t seem to change anything for us in this department. I know when we do make love she enjoys it. I know that she gets hers, and I make it my priority for her to get hers before me. I feel like I know what I’m doing and that I’m at the least descent at sex. But her lack of interest and her obvious giving into sex due to her feeling guilty after a month or so, leaves me feeling undesired and to be honest leads to some serious insecurities with me. We have had this going on for a very long time and due to that I have actually caught on to my own patterns, after a week without her touch I feel ugly and undesired. After two weeks I feel unloved and start to worry. After 3 weeks I’m in full-fledged doubt of my abilities and start to think that her pevious partners were better then me and that I just don’t fulfill her the same way. (that was actually the first time I have ever told this to anyone that’s not her). By the 4th week my mind begins to wonder and sometimes I feel like if she isn’t getting it from me then it must be someone else. Even if there is just no way for that to happen my mind will still focus on that. By the 5th plus week if we get that far I’m just sad constantly and tired and start to wonder if we will make it. We have talked about it but typically it end with her upset at me for making her feel guilty and her continuing to just think I exajurate my need for her. She has seen a few blogs like this, but it generally changes for a week or 2 and then it’s back to the usual. Like I said I don’t know why it’s like this for her. I have ideas, but honestly I’m afraid to ask. I fear I will learn something that I have done to ruin this side of our relationship, and my wife is very good at holding a grudge. I’ll just end up feeling guilty for something that either I can’t fix or that she won’t let me fix. Our marriage is not great but it is there and has been doing better as of late, but I want more, I want her desire and I want her to want me to desire her. Which is not what it currently is.
Do you have any suggestions or any ideas on how I can bring this blog to her attention without getting myself scolded? Thank you for reading.
How can I get past being constantly annoyed that my husband (of 14 years) wants to be sexual or intimate ALL THE TIME. I have a low sex drive and am so easily turned off. It seems the more he wants it and talks about it the less I want it. I feel like he is always pawing at me at the most annoying times- doing laundry, dishes, cooking so that by the end of the day I just want to be left alone. At this point in our lives and marriage sex had definitely turned into feeling like an obligation.