A few nights ago my husband and I went to watch Hope Springs, a movie starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones as a struggling couple, and Steve Carrell as their therapist.
I had been told that it was both funny and a little shallow. After watching it, I’d agree on both fronts. But I’m still very glad it was made. It’s really a pro-marriage movie, and we need as many of those as we can get. Will you all love it? Perhaps not. There’s no swearing or nudity that I can remember, but it does talk rather explicitly about some sex acts (including oral sex) that may make some people uncomfortable. It’s definitely not one to take your teens to. But if you’re married, there’s really nothing in it that you likely haven’t talked about or experienced.
The disappointing aspect, to me, is that they seemed to blame all of their communication and intimacy problems on sex. And as someone who writes a ton about sex, you would think that I would wholeheartedly agree that sex is the main problem. But I don’t. I think sex is part of a relationship–an important part, but only part. And to say that “if we fix the bedroom, everything else will fall into place” is a little naive to me. Perhaps it’s true in a very small number of cases, but there are usually many, many more issues, too.
Okay, that’s what I didn’t like. Here’s what I did: I have rarely seen a movie which so perfectly depicts how couples in trouble interact. They are in a horrible rut, and they can’t seem to move past it. A few years ago he throws out his back, so starts sleeping in a different room. He never returns to their bedroom. Every morning she gets up and makes his breakfast–two eggs and a piece of bacon, a glass of orange juice, and a cup of coffee. They may exchange information, but they don’t actually talk.
And then one day she loses it and tells him that she wants to go to an intense couples counselling session. He resists, obviously, but eventually turns around. But even then things don’t work very well. He’s not cooperative. He’s so tied up in knots that he can’t reach out to her at all.
Until the end, when finally they break through the walls and intimacy is restored (a little too quickly and with too little fuss, but it is a movie, after all).
My husband and I laughed a lot in this movie, and not even at the specifically “funny” parts, because we could totally relate to what was going on in the couples’ heads. We’ve seen these same dynamics in ourselves, or in other couples we know. It’s really funny.
And the theatre was just packed with couples over 50, enjoying the movie together. I think I was the youngest one there, but I certainly don’t think the movie is just for older people. I think any married person can enjoy it, and glean from it. In fact, for younger people the message would be this: deal with stuff as it happens. Don’t let your marriage get in such a bad rut that you can’t climb out of it.
But I do want to dwell on the sex issue for just a minute, because while I think it was handled a little too flippantly in the movie (really, all the counsellor talked to them about was sex, and not communication or appreciation or any other important things), the dynamic that had developed is definitely one I’ve seen. In my surveys of men for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I had several guys say almost word for word what Tommy Lee Jones’ character said, and it went something like this:
At the beginning of our marriage I wanted her so much. I was always asking her for sex, and she sometimes said yes. But when we did make love I could tell it was “pity sex”. She didn’t really want to be there. And that was so demoralizing. I tried to think of anything but what she was doing, but it was so hard. And after a few years I just stopped trying. But don’t feel sorry for me now. I’m not really hurting. I’ve moved on, and I stopped caring years ago.
Basically, these guys used to be really into sex. But now they had totally shut down. They didn’t ask for sex anymore. They didn’t initiate. They had turned off that part of their lives. And that’s what was shown in the movie: Meryl Streep can’t get him to have sex with her no matter what she does, even though it used to be him who had the higher sex drive. And why? Because he was tired of “pity sex”. He was tired of her not really wanting it. It felt horrible. And so he just shut down.
Most marriages have problems where one partner has the higher sex drive. But it’s quite common for the partners to switch roles at some point in the marriage, largely because of this dynamic. The one who really wanted it eventually shuts down, and then the other partner, who still wants to feel some intimacy, can’t seem to get the other to engage.
And that’s sad, because what you’re really missing out on is true intimacy. It’s not just the sex; it’s the physical contact, and the spiritual intimacy, and the oneness that comes from making love.
I guess the lesson that I took from it is that we have to guard our sex lives well. As I said in a recent post, I do not believe the message to women should be:
Your husband needs sex so you should give it to him as often as possible.
That makes sex all about him, and as this movie showed so well, that’s not what men want anyway. They don’t just want quantity; they want to feel an actual connection, and that means that they want their wives to actually WANT to make love.
And honestly, that’s what I think women want, too. We want to be swept away. We want to feel great. We want to be breathless. Perhaps that’s not a reality in your life right now. That’s okay. For many couples it takes a long time to get it right, and over the month of September, during our Revive Your Marriage series we will have a week where you can read lots of people’s wisdom on how to make your sex life better. And, of course, there’s always The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!
But if you commit to working towards making sex great in your marriage, most husbands will jump right in, even if it takes a while to get there. And for those of you who have husbands who just don’t want sex, then I’d recommend reading this series that I wrote on it a while back, too.
So all in all: a bit of a shallow movie, but still good nonetheless. And in our culture where marriage is always denigrated, the fact that these movies which focus on the benefits of a great marriage are out there make me so happy (even if the movie itself isn’t perfect).
I keep hearing that this movie is a good one for married couples to see. I’m not crazy about going to the theater anymore, but it sounds like this film would be worth the trip.
I agree wholeheartedly with you, Sheila. And in fact, while I have asserted that you can START on the relationship by getting the ball rolling in the bedroom, relationship improvement doesn’t end there. I write about sexual intimacy in marriage, but I believe couples should also have emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, recreational intimacy, etc. to experience the best relationship they can have.
Good points J!
Sheila mentions fixing the marriage bed and everything else will work out as an issue but it seems to me that the opposite idea is more common and just as bad. That idea being that we fix everything else and the sex will take care of itself.
It is best to work on the marriage, which would include every aspect of the marriage, inside and outside the bedroom.
Shelia…I agree with you on the movie. Good points but many left out. My husband thought it was pretty slow…and he emphasized to me that they kept saying the same things over and over. I do wish the therapist would have delved deeper into the issues…but it was good that some good came out of it. I was glad…but actually surprised in a way that they did show issues on BOTH sides. At first I thought it would just be the wife who was needy and missing the relationship…turns out the husband had been bottling up those feelings. I am very much looking forward to your “reviving your marriage series…and as I said on Courtney’s site…those are my 4 favorite bloggers posting on great and needed topics!! On a side note ….just have to say what a great actress Meryl Streep was in this movie (Tommy Lee Jones was great too) She amazed me the variety of roles she can play. I was encouraged to see her and hoped it would be a good role model for others too in that she was so serving towards her husband. Good old fashion marriage there! Praying for you as you write in this upcoming series!! <3
Lisa, totally agree about how awesome both she and Tommy Lee Jones were. I just love Jones in almost everything, too. They really made the movie.
My mom and I went to see this movie together. We laughed, cried and laughed some more. Like you said there are many things that I’ve seen in others marriages as well as my own that I can relate too. And looking around the theater I saw a ton of older couples there, which is a good sign. I wish more couples would go see this together, young and older.
“They don’t just want quality…” Did you mean to say quality OR quantity? I think you meant to say quantity, Sheila. Because “quality” lovemaking is intimacy, connecting emotionally, physically and spiritually in my book.
Ack! You’re right. I’m making the change now. I meant quantity.
My dh and I went to see it as well. We actually were able to see it free with free popcorn and drinks thanks to a friend that gave us the tickets and coupons. Anyway… The movie really got dh and I talking about our marriage and our sex life. I have another friend that saw it. She went with her mom and sister. She was disgusted by the movie. I guess it depends on how you look at it.
My husband and I want to go see that movie. Might have to wait till it comes out on DVD though, because with a nursing baby it’s hard to make movie theater dates work!
We haven’t been married that long (five years) but one major thing we’re learning is that if we’re both going to stay sexually satisfied over time, we have to talk about it! Even if it feels awkward at first. Things change over time – bodies change, hormones change, schedules change…we can’t expect the same things to work in bed forever.
I really liked Steve Carrell in Crazy Stupid Love. The movie was real and had not so great parts in it like sleeping with numerous people but the end of the story they work through the adultery because what they really wanted was meaningful relationship. I’m glad he has done another movie where he portrays real marriage and real life. Sounds like Hope Springs will be the next date night for me and Mr. Incredible.
Oh, my goodness, I’m totally with you! We rented Crazy Stupid Love and almost turned it off after the first 45 minutes because I thought it was going in a totally different direction. But in the end, the message was: you stick with the person you love, because every other kind of life is really empty and shallow. The movie certainly was not perfect (all the sleeping around was way over the top) but I was really glad to see a movie that totally turned the hooking up culture on its head.
My one problem with Steve Carrell and Hope Springs is that he was an empty suit. They didn’t give him any laugh lines or any personality at all. Not like Date Night or Crazy Stupid Love. And both Date Night and Crazy Stupid Love are way funnier!
I agree about being thrilled to have a movie that is pro-marriage. We need more of those!!
Did not like this movie! I’m a ” younger married couple” (i’m 27). My husband and I saw this movie yesterday and walked out in the middle of it. I was going into this movie hoping for a funny, light hearted, cute movie. As a Christian (and young person), this movie made me very uncomfortable. I think they took this movie a tad too far. when they started touching each other and masturbating…that was enough. I do not need to see that in any movie, whether its a helpful movie that married couples can relate to or not. Call it my age, call it whatever, but this movie was inappropriate and disturbing. I will say that I did enjoy the beginning of the movie before they got into all of the sex counseling. Overall, two thumbs down!!!
I agree, Megan–the focus was way too much on sex in the counselling sessions. At the same time, I think some of the sex issues that came out were very valid ones, and ones that many people go through.
The way I see it is this: this isn’t a Christian movie. It doesn’t portray Christian values. But you can’t expect it to, because it’s a secular movie. But by the end of the movie, the things you walk away with are these: you need to take the plunge and break down the walls. You need to address your insecurities. Marriage is worth fighting for. Don’t just break up; actually deal with your issues. And to me, any movie that actually says that, ESPECIALLY to a secular audience, is a good thing. I think sometimes in the church we forget just how unique the “marriage is worth fighting for” message is. It isn’t something that is really commonly heard outside of church circles, though we hear it so often that we sometimes assume that it is heard everywhere. So I’m glad that they’re at least trying to make a movie that depicts marriage as a good thing.
That being said, that doesn’t mean that it’s good for every Christian to see. I think because we already know the message, a good dose of Fireproof would likely be better. But I’m still glad it’s there for the rest of the audience!
My hubby and I just saw this last night for his birthday. And we’re only 34 and 28! We were definitely some of the younger people there but it wasn’t ALL people over 50 so that was nice. I agree that parts of it were slow, but there were also lots of laughs, mostly at just how realistic things were. I loved watching how they sat on the couch in the therapist’s office at each session, you could tell so much just in where they sat.
We are working through this right now! I spent so many years not being receptive and punishing him for his infidelity that he shut down and stopped asking. It wasn’t till a few months ago when he finally asked me if I wanted him to move out that the dam broke, the communication started. We have both grown more confident in our communication skills and in our intimate life through it.
Are we on the other side of the hill yet, I’m sure not, but the important thing is that we are now climbing the hill together, hand in hand. We are committed to setting a good example for our children and grandchildren and our love for each other and them keeps us going.
I haven’t seen this movie yet, but really want to. Glad you gave me some insight before we go…
Thanks
I just finished reading your book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and absolutely loved it! I’m constantly reading marriage books and I feel that book said it best! I thought I knew a lot about sex but your book taught me so much more. My favorite point in the book was about how sex isn’t just about the physical, it’s about the emotional side of it and connecting two people together. I can’t stop talking about the book with my closest friends. I might just have to buy the all a copy! 🙂
I will definitely have to check out the movie, it seems very entertaining!
Entertaining may not be quite the right word! But I did think it was enlightening and true to life :).
Glad you liked the book so much!
I like what you said about one partner shutting down, I hadn’t thought of it like that before. Rejection hurts and there’s only so much a person can take.
I agree completely with your review. Tom and I saw it a couple of weeks ago too. There are a few times Tommy Lee Jones uses the Lord’s name in vain, which is like fingernails scratching the chalkboard–I hate it! And for this reason we can’t recommend the movie, which is sad because we need pro-marriage movies like this.
Thanks for sharing!
WOW! havent seen this movie but i felt sad for the husband! pity sex?? when my husband and i got married 30 years ago I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED HIM AND HIS BODY!!!!!!!!! because i just did, AND GOD OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN SAID MY BODY DOESNT BELONG TO ME IT BELONGS TO HIM AND HIS BODY DOESNT BELONG TO HIM IT BELONGS TO ME!!!! YUM!!!(winks!) i am glad GOD said that, SO HERE WE ARE, 30 YEARS LATER ALONG WITH A BRAIN HEMMORAGE AND A DEATH OF OUR SON FAITH EMMANUEL, HAPPIER AND MORE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER AND THEIR BODIES oh and minds oooh and spiritual side THAN EEEVERRR!
I wish this made sense to me, but it doesn’t. We don’t talk about deeper issues because he won’t open up. I have always enthusiastically joined him in sex and I have never refused him. I want him and he knows it! The problem is, he only wants me for himself. There is no mutuality in our sex life. No foreplay, even when I purposely hold back, he will just mount, open me up and go to town until he is done. He stops most of my efforts to prolong sex or try for my own O. I have been advised to refuse him until he gives back, but I see that blowing up in our faces. Pray for us….pray for him. I don’t want duty sex any more than a man wants pity sex.
I totally hear you, and this is really common. Have you read through the 29 Days to Great Sex? Maybe he’d be willing to try something like that with you. I honestly believe that a lot of guys just don’t “get” how important foreplay is to women, and this may help him rediscover some great things about sex.
Sheila,
It isn’t as cut and dry as my husband just being clueless or a little lazy and selfish. If that were the case, the advice I took and used in your book and on your blog would have worked to renew. Instead, it has gotten worse. Horribly worse.
I so want to do your 29 Days to Great Sex, but between him being so selfish and uncaring in bed and his working and living away from home 5 days a week, it doesn’t seem like it’ll happen or even work.
Right now, we need to focus on the spiritual aspects that have created this insanity before we focus on the sexual.
Oh Honey I hear you. What I found sad and depressing was Sheila’s advice at the end of the chapter about When he doesn’t want it. I had tried to focus on making our friendship better, our spirituality better and when that didn’t work and her book came out I was going to work on improving our sex life. Well, nix,nix nada. Her book suggested to work on friendship. So I am back to square one. But she also said that if God was present when you said I do He is still with now. And knows and understands where you are.Lean on him and do your best to continue to be loving even in the circumstance, God sees yours and my pain and heartache. My husband is a wonderful man, a workaholic, but an amazing inspiration. That is after ten years and five kids later. I know the feeling.
The quantity versus making love is so very true. When there is a fulfilling sex life for both spouses the emotional and spiritual connection is on an equal plane with the physical. When the sex isn’t enough or isn’t fulfilling then it becomes more about the need for that physical connection for many of the higher drive spouses.
The food analogy is the best one that I’ve seen. A starving person will devour anything edible put in front of them, even rotting food. Someone that is fulfilled and satisfied can sit down and enjoy a nice meal, conversation and appreciate the presentation all that goes into the meal.
We are really shortchanging our marriage when we shortchange our marriage bed.
Great analogies, Kentucky Colonel! Thank you!