Today’s Wifey Wednesday is a Guest Post by Rajdeep Paulus of In Search of Waterfalls.
Remember in Kindergarten, when sharing did not come naturally? When two people say the words, “I do…” they don’t always know exactly what they “do” agree to in that moment of bliss and celebration. A whole lot of sharing is involved to make a marriage work. It’s fun to share laughs, adventures, meals, and your bodies… But today’s tribute to my anniversary week is not about the happy, romantic, lovey-dovey stuff in marriage. In fact, I almost named this blog, “my love-hate relationship with marriage,” but that seemed a little extreme. I did come up with a list though, of the:
TOP TEN Hardest Things to Share in a Marriage
I’m sure there’s more, but these are the biggest challenges I came up with…
1. Sharing the closet.
In our case, we only have one. So his dress clothes take over and mine are rolling here and there… trying to sneak into the girls’ closet and in between his dress shirts. Sounds a little flirtatious… But it is honestly a pain!
2. Sharing household chores. He maintains the cars. I make most of the meals. He mows the lawn. I do the bills. The girls are old enough to help with laundry and dishes. So thankful!! But even so, the system is far from perfect. There are plenty of days when
cooking amnesiajust takes over and I wish he was home an hour ago to cure me [by making dinner!] He is a doctor after all!
3. Sharing the budget. We don’t have my money/your money disagreements. Our squabbles are more often Him: “Let’s spend!” and Me: “Let’s save!” battles. Still working on finding that balance. Once heard that this makes for a perfect combo since it keeps a couple from going broke but makes sure they have fun! That’s mostly true! 🙂
4. Sharing the power.
Now two have a say in every big and even sometimes little decisions. Talking things over takes time. And sometimes you have to agree to disagree and go with the other person’s idea. It can be painful when you’re naturally opinionated or just have a propensity to express every opinion. Still working on that external processing button that surpasses hubby’s capacity to hear it many a day.
5. Sharing a bed.
This might sound funny, but when we first got married, I lost a lot of sleep. Fourteen years later, and I’m pretty comfortable on my side, but I feel bad for nights when I toss and turn and he’s on the other side waiting patiently for my brain to shut off so I can stop causing an earthquake under the covers.
6. Sharing your problems.
Especially if your spouse feels like he or she needs to solve, fix or cure them. So often, we’re just looking for someone to listen to us. But at times when both spouses are experiencing unusually high levels of stress, deadlines, setbacks etc., it can be hard to empathize with your spouse when you feel needy at the same time. That’s why I can’t imagine my life without my girlfriends. My sister and my best friend! They are my sounding boards when hubby has reached his max from what he often coins, “Days when everyone wants a piece of me!”
7. Sharing each other’s dreams.
Don’t get me wrong. Every married person ideally wants to see their spouse pursue his or her dreams, but I can attest to the fact that just cuz you’d like to see your hubby or wife reach their goals, does not mean the journey will be easy. I married a med student. Not a doctor. So we pummeled through the tough years of med school and the grueling years of residency together. And now, almost fourteen years into the race, the tables are turned and hubby is working with my new schedule that involves evenings and weekends as I pursue my dream to be an author. The support is there. We’ve been each other’s cheerleaders all along. But some days it’s just hard. Wishing hubby wasn’t on call. Or that I was home watching a movie with him rather than pumping out pages at Starbucks.
8. Sharing your interests.
Because over time, everyone changes. And so often during the journey of life, our interests change, evolve and sometimes disappear. When we first got married, we both loved playing basketball together, but then kids came along, and only one of us could leave the house to play. So eventually, I joined a gym. Got into swimming and fun stuff like “tabatas.” I still love to play ball, but the opportunity isn’t there like it used to be. So I had to make a decision. To not hold the my hubby hostage for still playing ball. By finding my own niche. That worked with my schedule and life with young children. So I work out early in the morning when the kids are getting ready for school and hubby hasn’t left for work yet.
If an interest is not critical to the integrity of the marriage, it’s okay to have some individual pursuits and who knows? Sometimes that difference in activity can lead to something special in your life that is just yours. A little me-time is healthy and refreshing.
9. Sharing the truth.
Especially when you’ve messed up. Being honest in a relationship is the number one ingredient (coupled with grace) that I believe provides the glue that gels a couple together with that lasting bond that weaves your heart to his. Being vulnerable can be terrifying, even with the person you’ve been married to for years. But hiding is synonymous with poison in a relationship. We’ve both confessed some painful truths to each other over the years. We’re human. Neither of us is going to get it right every single day. Every single time. But I love what hubby said to me back when we were dating:
“My life is an open book to you. And yours to me. Not that I ever have to read the chapters or pages in the past. But knowing that I have an option to ask and that you’ll tell me the truth is enough. And the same applies to my past. And
So we share pretty much everything. I can honestly say that no one knows me better than Santhosh. It’s a strange phenomenon when a person knows the good, the bad, and the ugly. And loves you anyway. The marriage becomes the safest, sweetest, and most freeing place to be.
10. Sharing Grace.
I think even for this grace-lover/grace-seeker, giving grace and forgiveness daily can overwhelm even the soundest of relationships. If you keep count. So don’t. Because without Grace, marriage just doesn’t happen. Yeah, you might stick together. But you won’t grow together. Learn together. And I’m convinced more than ever that grace is the key ingredient to experiencing true love for each other. Because Grace catches your fall. Helps you up. And gives you permission to fly again. And we need that when we feel deflated by our weaknesses, stumbles, and wrong turns.
Love Grace. Depend on Grace. Can’t imagine my marriage without Grace.
Grace affirms wedding vows through our actions.
Grace whispers, sings, and sometimes shouts:
“I will not give up on you.”Thanks for not giving up on me Sunshine.And for the record, I ain’t giving up on you. Either.
To fourteen years of sharing. And by God’s grace…many more to come!
Rajdeep Paulus studied English Literature at Northwestern University, and spent over a decade as an English Teacher and SAT Tutor, during which she married her best friend from Chicago whom she then followed to the island of Dominica where he began medical school. Fourteen years, four daughters, and a little house on a hill in the quaint town of Locust Valley, New York later, she now blogs weekly and writes masala-marinated, Y.A. fiction.When Raj is not tapping on her Mac, you can find her dancing with her princesses, kayaking with her hubs, coaching basketball or eating dark chocolate while sipping a frothy, sugar-free latte. She blogs at
www.insearchofwaterfalls.com and secretly hopes someday she’ll own a laptop that functions under water.
One advantage of marrying young (I know there’s also disadvantages) is that you are not very set in your ways and sharing 1-9 was easier for my husband and I at 19 and 20 years old. But #10 is a life-long pursuit and we grow better at it with each year (41 now), but it will always be a challenge on this side of glory.
Thanks for being honest Gail! And HUGE Congrats on 41 Years!! That’s what I love about Grace the most I think: that God supplies and refuels, we just have to be willing to sip and share! 🙂 And I’m all for marrying young. He was younger than me when we tied the knot *22, I had just turned 27. His exact words were, “Let’s finish growing up together!” Still growing… 🙂
I had an awful time sleeping, too when my husband and I first got married – I actually went on sleeping pills for a short time while I adjusted because I was soooooo exhausted! Now, five years later, it’s not a problem. My head hits the pillow and I’m out cold for the rest of the night.
One thing we had a hard time sharing was the kitchen. I wanted to cook dinner for us, but what happened was he wanted to help, which turned into him just taking over. Eventually I just gave up and let him do it. A few weeks later, he said he was beginning to feel resentful that he did all the cooking, and I explained what had happened – that in his eagerness to “help”, he took over and kind of elbowed me out of the kitchen. He apologized and said he’d stop doing that. The following evening, as I was starting dinner, he came into the kitchen, hovered over me, and said “What can I do to help?” I held up the spatula threateningly and said “You can get out!” Hasn’t been a problem since! 🙂
Fun story Melissa… the part about the spatula. If my hubby ever threatened to take over the kitchen, I’d gladly change the oil on our vehicles. Well, maybe. Not sure if I’m that talented… but I’m so willing to share my kitchen! Glad you two worked out both the sleep and kitchen issues! 🙂 -Raj
I agree, sharing the kitchen is hard! We have a tiny kitchen, and my husband has a “ktichen magnet” in him: whenever I go into the kitchen to do something, he feels the need to be in there doing something too. It’s frustrating, but at least he doesn’t have a bathroom magnet. 🙂
Thanks! Thoughtful, and true, reflections in this blog post! (I know because I am 35 years married this year, and, as an empty nester–with two kids in college–after being a stay at home mother, I am also pursuing my writing goals. Best wishes to you with your writing!)
Thanks so much Jamie! And huge CONGRATS on 35 years and going!! How’s that second honeymoon working for you? Blessings on your writing dreams too! 🙂 -Raj
You want a hard one? Try sharing the parenting when you both went into the marriage with your own set of kids.. One piece of advice I’d give to anyone remarrying is make sure he can and will love your children. In my house it’s more like I have 6 children and not 5 and a husband. He went from living for himself and seeing his 2 kids every other weekend (where they’d watch movies all day and he’d be in his room on the computer) to being in a house with a wife and 3 children 24/7. Even after 8 years I have to listen to bickering over whose turn it is next to play on the PS3. My other piece of advice is make sure you’re marrying a man whose a man and not an adolescent in a 40 year old body.
Wow Sharon! That’s a tough one, one that I’m not familiar with. But I commend you for hanging in there and loving on all the kids! That takes a strong woman with a HUGE heart… -Raj
I think the most difficult thing to share for us was our pasts. We talked about our pasts some before we got married, but it seems like everything else comes out afterwards and sometimes it’s not pretty. We found it easier to just hide things from our past, but those things usually come out anyway. As far as physically sharing with each other, sharing a bed has been the most difficult! We are very different sleepers and need different amounts of blanket and sleeping space. Somehow we’ve worked it out 🙂
Thanks for sharing Melissa. I still remembering planning for a break up when we had the “lay our cards on the table” conversation about our pasts when we were dating. I never imagined how much grace hubby would extend to me even before he was my hubby. Kinda made me know it had to him. Or someone just like him. I agree totally, everything in the closet usually falls out at some point. Hope you’ve both moved through the tough conversations and continue to walk in grace and acceptance as you head to the future.
And the sleep thing, I totally hear you. But glad you worked that one out! Thanks for reminding us that we’re not alone. -Raj
A great post–it’s great to hear from so many couples who (while these things are not always easy to deal with), are committed to working through them!
BTW, since you mentioned Starbucks, just something you might not be aware of about them: http://www.dumpstarbucks.com
Thanks Greg! Great to see that the men are reading up on how to work on their marriages/relationships too! 🙂 -Raj
There ARE a lot of things to get used to sharing. Marrying young IS good advice, as far as not having years to get set in our ways. I’ve decided to advise my boys, as they grow, to not live completely on their own – to always have a roommate. Not only will they have some accountability, but it will keep them in the “give and take” habit (though different than marriage, to be sure!)
I’m with you on ALL of those issues, but we work through it 😀
Julie
And isn’t that the truth! Relationships are hard work. I tell that to my friends all the time. Nothing good just shows up. The roommate idea is a clever way to encourage some good sharing habits…if you get the right roommate! 🙂 And accountabity, even when you’re married, is so critical in my opinion. We were not meant to do this life alone… We have go-to friends and go-to couples that we depend on for prayer, venting, and advice. Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts Julie! 🙂 -Raj
Thank you so much for this list. On their wedding day, couples are making a public and private statement that they are no longer walking through life on their own. From that point forward, they need to make room in their lives for their partners. Many don’t realize that is what they are doing and this is where the problems and “work” enter. If you manage this right, marriage no longer is “work”, just paying attention and acting with intention.
I like that Leslie! “Paying attention and acting with intention.” Sounds like you have a great attitude when it comes to loving your spouse!! 🙂 -Raj
Sharing bad habits! We have been married nearly 15 years and although I am determind that it is not my job to change my husband, it can be difficult when you have to shut the cupboard door for the 2000th time!
I can’t say anything to that one Karen. Since I’m the one leaving my drawers open! You could just leave it open… and see what happens. 😉 -Raj
My husband and I got married in May of this year. I had a terribly time sleeping once we got home from our honeymoon. After a few weeks of struggling with little sleep I started taking Melatonin every night before going to sleep. Melatonin is naturally produced in your body, but if you are deficient, sleep can be hard to come by! I took it consistently for a few weeks. Now that my body has gotten used to a normal sleep cycle, I can sleep just fine without taking the supplement! YAY!
We’re still working on the closet situation… 😉
Congrats on tying the knot Lori!! Newlywed days, how I loved them. And hated them. Glad to hear you’re sleeping better these days. Let me know when you find a solution for dividing the closet. Thanks for stopping by! 🙂 -Raj
By far the most difficult thing to share is the TRUTH and sharing beds. I find the solution for sharing beds is just sleeping in separate beds, especially if sleeping schedules conflict. Sleeping together during the weekends might enhance bonding.