In all of the news coverage of the Colorado shooting, one particular story stopped most of us in our tracks. One of the victims was a 6-year-old girl. What was a 6-year-old girl doing at a midnight showing of a rather creepy, violent movie?
I felt horribly guilty as soon as the thought entered my brain, because no one deserves to be shot just because they’re at a movie at midnight. We should live in a society where we aren’t shot just because we’re out late. And the only one to blame that this child is dead is the shooter (whom I will not glorify by mentioning his name), not the mom. I do not believe that the mom is any more to blame for her daughter dying than the parents of the Columbine students are to blame for their kids dying. We should have an expectation that we are free from homicidal maniacs when we go about regular life.
Nevertheless, until that news story it didn’t really occur to me that people actually do take 6-year-olds to movie theatres to watch violent adult movies at midnight. (And while I’m writing this soon after the event, I’m going to schedule it for later because I don’t want to rub salt in wounds, and to me the issue really isn’t the shooting; it’s the movies. I so wish that the news story instead had been: “Theatre gives out a new car to a random twelve people at the midnight premiere, one of whom was a 6-year-old girl”, so we could be discussing this in a different context–and, of course, because then there wouldn’t have been a shooting).
All of this reminds me of a trip my teenaged daughters and I took to Toronto last month, where we stopped off at McDonald’s at 10:30 at night before heading home. I had been delivering one of my Girl Talk events at a Scarborough Church, and we headed into a McDonald’s in a rather sketchy part of town. As soon as we stepped into the restaurant I could tell something was strange, but it didn’t occur to me what it was until my oldest daughter whispered, “what’s with all the strollers?” And sure enough, every second person in that McDonald’s had a child under five with them. At 10:30 at night. What is going on?
I have a friend who is a foster parent, and one of the hardest parts of adjustment that many kids have to care is schedules. So many of them do not have bedtimes. They don’t have naptimes, or mealtimes, or just about any kind of a schedule. And once they’re on a schedule, their behaviour calms down, they become happier, and much more obedient. Kids like structure.
On the whole, it is as if our culture has forgotten what is child-appropriate. I don’t think it’s ever appropriate for a 6-year-old to be at a movie at midnight, even if it were Finding Nemo or something. A 6-year-old should be sleeping. Even on their birthday! You can make a big deal out of a child during regular waking hours. I remember as a child what a big deal it was to be allowed to stay up an hour past my bedtime. My mother kept a very good eye on the clock, and bedtime was bedtime. Perhaps it was because she was a single mother and really needed to guard her own time, or perhaps she was just a good mom. But when it was time for bed, I went.
And in general, I didn’t mind, because when I was tired I wanted to sleep. I think that’s true for most of us. It really isn’t that fun to be up when you’re tired. You get grumpy. You whine. You find every little thing bothers you. And I think this is just as true for little kids (and don’t we all know little children who have meltdowns when they’re tired).
But children also need to be protected, and taking them to adult movies isn’t protecting them.
I think that as people’s lives have become more chaotic, it has become harder to create a protective environment for kids. When adults don’t have structure in their own relationships, it’s hard to give children structure in their day to day lives. And then it becomes easier and easier to bend the boundaries and say, “there really is nothing sacred about being a child. A child can see anything an adult can see.”
Personally, I believe proper sheltering is a good thing. We should teach kids life skills and independence and responsibility, but we shouldn’t expose them to evil or sex when they’re children. That’s why they’re kids!
But I don’t think we’re going to get back to stable parenting with structure until we also get back to a stable family. Half of all births to women under 30 are now to single mothers. That’s a problem. That’s not to say that single moms can’t do a good job–mine sure did–but it’s not good for society as a whole. And it will lead to more chaos.
So what do you think? Do you find children are up later than they were when you were a kid? And what can we do about it?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I had a strict 8:30PM bedtime when I was a kid. We try really hard to stick to a strict schedule, but when work days are as varied as ours, it’s difficult. Also, we only have hubby’s two kids every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. MOST of the time, bedtime is between 8PM and 8:30PM. Even just having that window to shoot for makes things run more smoothly for us. Also, it means that staying up late to finish watching a movie with Daddy will be a fond memory – not just another night at home.
I agree with what you have said about structure, and what your previous responder said about having a bedtime to aim at (when daddy comes home from work 10 minutes before bedtime it’s always going to be difficult to get kids into bed no matter how tired they are.) I will admit to feeling like I ought to be judged for wandering the streets at 1030pm looking for food with my kids – but we were 3 time zones from home and they were hungry, not tired.
Rebekah, I was going to add that, actually! :). The only time I can see being up late and outside is when you’re totally jetlagged and not used to the time! Absolutely agree.
I have to admit that one of the first things that crossed my mind when I heard about that 6 year old was exactly what you posted here. It may be “judgemental” or whatever, but a 6 year old has no business watching a movie like that at midnight!
I agree that kids need structure. In fact, I’m seeing right now how much that is true. My oldest son is 7, and on his summer break. We’ve had some late nights, and sleep in mornings, as well as “nothing to do” during the day. My kids are grumpy and disrespectful, and it’s time to fix that!
I can totally relate stacey. Mine are out of control too. Hard being a single mom with an ex who undermines everything i do. 🙁 I’m taking my authority back!! 🙂 Sick and tired of the disrespect. 🙂
While I do agree that children need structure and generally respond better to it, I think that using the example of the girl at the midnight premiere is inappropriate. You don’t know anything about that child and whether or not she had “structure.” This was likely a special treat for her. Maybe she has always really loved batman, and she was mature enough to handle the violence. Or she had a deal worked out with her mother that she wouldnt watch the violent parts. Just because you wouldn’t do it doesn’t necessarily make it wrong. You don’t really know anything about this girl, or how she was parented. You did state that the mother wasn’t to be blamed, but you still imply that she was irresponsible. I don’t think this is an issue that should be discussed in conjunction with the Aurora shootings.
I should mention that I live in a grittier city environment, and I see strollers out at night all the time. I think this would have been a sufficient example to make your (very valid) point.
Absolutely agree with you Grace. The blogger’s example is in really poor taste. We don’t know the full story and it’s judgmental of her in my opinion. I agree with bed times and all that, but there’s always another side of the story. Maybe this was a special treat and took super long nap prior to the movie so she could go. WHY are we picking apart this mother’s decision? She’s lost her daughter and she doesn’t need to find posts like this to make her feel guilty for the rest of her life, which she already will struggle with.
I don’t think that the blogger is picking at this six-year old’s mother. Yes, there will be another side to the story (and maybe the mother will read this and respond herself? The blogger sees the issue here as many young children who are exposed to more at a young age than is necessary. Why are young children out so late at night at adult activities (a movie theater being one of them)? I also live in a large city and see strollers out at night; but for me, I wonder why the caregivers are out so late with the little ones. There has been the exception that my little ones have been out late at night, but it has not been to adult-like activities. I think that we need to guide our children more in a direction that is pleasing to the Lord, and not to ourselves.
The mother actually died and so did the other baby she had with her. She was the last victim to die to date.
Actually the mother didn’t die, she was wounded. She was pregnant at the time and THAT baby died in utero. The 6 month old that was there was shot, but did not die. She was released.
Perhaps the blogger could’ve used another example but I don’t think it was inappropraite to use this one. “why was a 6 year old watching that movie anyway?” was the first question on so many people’s minds. Yes, children need structure, the hour is irrelevant to me, it’s the content of the movie that a 6 year old girl was watching. We, as parents, are entrusted to nurture and care for our children’s souls. They aren’t responsible enough to make decisions about what is good or bad for them to watch at six. I think the post is appropriate about the fact that children are allowed to watch movies they shouldn’t be seeing. Well, written, blogger.
Couldn’t agree more. My husband & I had this same debate. . . he was the “that was irresponsible” and I was the “while it wouldn’t be THAT movie, you taking our son to see a movie – just the two of you, at a midnight showing would be the coolest memory ever!!”.
We don’t know their situation. Maybe mom works horrible hours and grandparents or aunts or uncles are the usual caretakers – maybe this was all she could do. Yes, children need structure, but barring a murderer on the loose, straying from structure for rare occassions isn’t going to kill anyone.
There’s always another side to the story… but part of the point being missed here is the fact that such a small child was being exposed to a dark/violent movie. I have a 7 year old daughter who enjoys the Spider man cartoons during the daylight hours, but I would never take her to see one of the Spiderman movies in the theater because she doesn’t need to be exposed to the “real-life” appearance of evil and sex and stuff in the movies that are geared towards those who are atleast 13+. She isn’t mature enough at that age to understand it is all make-believe. She still asks me when watching shows on “PBS Kids” if the people in the show are real!
well said – and thank you for your wisdom in raising your daughter to not be exposed to the “real-life” appearance of evil at such an early age.
Maybe I’m just weird, but I really do not believe that parenting is so black and white. Every child is different. Maybe some six year olds can understand its just a movie. Maybe afterwards the parents and children discuss what they saw to address any fears or questions or tricky subjects. Personally, I was very rarely not allowed to watch or listen something. If i had questions i would speak up, and my parents knew what they needed to be sure I understood. It’s up to each individual parent to determine what their child is capable of handling, and they should be free to do so without judgement from everyone else. Especially in this case. This poor woman lost a child, suffered a miscarriage, and is now paralyzed from the waist down all due to circumstances well beyond her control. She needs support. Not people debating her decision to take her child to a movie that was past her bedtime.
Your comments are very insightful, Grace. The family of this woman needs our support, our love and our prayers. If I understand the Bible correctly, we should also pray for the family of the shooter, too. Unlike you, I was raised in a very strict religious family. My sister and I were not allowed to watch tv, or movies etc. due to their ‘corrupting influence’. At six years of age we were sent off to boarding school where we were exposed to some very difficult situations. I wish I had been more aware of the world around me and given careful parental guidance alongside, as you suggest. This would have empowered me to handle some of the dark and abusive situations I was forced to endure at a young age. For me the tragedy brings to the fore another parenting issue: parents need to educate themselves on being able to recognise and treat mental health issues in their children at an early stage. Too many parents are burying their heads in the sand and hoping for the best. The stigma related to illnesses of the brain needs to be removed from our society.
Absolutely Grace! This is exactly what I wrote on Sheila’s FB wall this morning. Don’t use this poor mama’s pain to make a point. The point could have been made without adding judgement and condemnation to her grief and pain. She is already questioning her every move and decision and doesn’t need us to add to that. I am disappointed in reading this post here.
I grew up in a household with quite the list of strict rules. We had a specific bedtime and only ever broke it when it was Christmas Eve or some other special event. Now that I have three kids of my own I try very hard to implement bedtime to 8:00pm. I do let my oldest read for an hour in bed, if he so chooses, since he’s not necessarily as tired as his younger siblings. My husband and I are usually in bed by 9pm at the latest since he gets up at 3am for work every morning. I know it can be hard for the kids because it’s summertime and they hear other kids outsite playing, but when school starts up they won’t have to try to readjust to a new schedule, they’re already well oiled machines
. =)
You know, my two boys are 7 and 10 and during the summer they get to stay up until 8:30 sometimes 9. During the school year they are in bed at 7:30 where they can read quietly for half an hour so they can wind down and relax. This works really well for us. I always find myself horrified by seeing children out so late at night and not having any kind of regular bedtime of schedule in their lives at all. My husband and I believe in structure and discipline for kids and you need a lot less discipline when their lives are structured. This is not to say that every minute of their lives is scheduled, not in the least, but their meal times and bed times and other things like that are all regular. I could never fathom taking my kids to a midnight movie or out to eat at 10:30, not at their ages. My kids have not seen any of the new Batman trilogy movies, my husband and I saw the first one and decided they should not see it and we have not wanted to see the others, too dark. Our oldest was born when I was 19 and even being young parents we both see the deterioration of the family, it is sad to see. I do want to congratulate you on your obvious good parenting, I don’t believe that many teenagers would have noticed all the strollers in McDonald’s late at night let alone seeing it as out of place. She has a good head on her shoulders.
I thought the same thing when I heard about the little girl. Especially here in the states “parenting” merely means “having kids” and not actually raising up children ready to face the world. Kids are exposed to anything and everything and as a result have no moral compass once they grow up. It terrifies me to think what the next generation is going to look like! Structure isn’t easy to maintain, but as you said it is important. My own kids definitely thrive when we’re on a schedule (even if the only thing “scheduled” are meal and snack times, and a bed time routine). Raising sheltered kids who are socially awkward and naive is not good, but raising kids who have been protected from growing up too fast is good.
While I agree 100% that a six year old has no business being at a violent adult movie, I don’t agree with judging a child’s bedtime without knowing the circumstances. When my first child was born I was a residence director at a christian university. I slept when my students were in class in the morning and stayed up late to have the interaction and relationships with my students…plus it didnt’ get quiet enough to sleep until after curfew anyway. My son adjusted to that schedule. We were all up til at least midnight if not later every night of the week and slept til 10 or 11 everyday. Was it a conventional schedule? No but it was a schedule. I left that job when he was three and he adjusted to a more traditional schedule easily. My point is that not every parent who has their kid out late at night is neglecting their child or not establishing boundaries. The part of the country I live in now has a lot of shift work and family schedules often revolve around that. It’s about establishing routines, schedules and boundaries and doing what is best for the child and that can be done even if it is not a traditional schedule. Are some parents not doing a good job of establishing bedtimes and routines and thus creating chaos for their children? Yes, but that can’t be determined by one interaction or encounter with a person who has their child out late.
Well said.
exactly
I agree with you. I was sad for that mom who may now live with the “what if’s” of that night. We had strict bed times growing up and our kids do now. We have seven kids, the older 4 of whom all go to bed at 8. We do NOT expect our teen/ preteen to go right to sleep, but post 8pm is adult time and kids are either asleep or in their rooms. My husband works at night and I am in school online. I don’t know how I would get anything done if my kids did not have a bed time.
And I agree with Melissa that one child Up late does not constitute a neglectful parent. We don’t know an individual parent’s schedule. However, I would submit having a child *out* late is not necessarily wise and that parents consider avoiding that. To quote my youth pastors “nothing good happens late at night. You don’t need to be a part of it”. Once again, an occasional need here and there is not what we’re talking about in this country now. It is epidemic that kids are out late, with parents or not. Having worked retail for a long time I can attest to the fact that the kids who were routinely dragged (or left to run behind mom) through stores wailing and obviously tired, did. It belong to parents who simply had later schedules than most people.
Sorry, that was “did not belong to parents simply having later schedules than most people”.
I think that children definitely need schedules but they need to be flexible. My husband doesn’t always come home the same time every night due to the nature of his job. We like to eat dinner as a family and watch tv together. He also likes to get time with the kids before they go to bed and we do family Bible time. Yes sometimes it is really late. But with summer, we have let the kids slide on bed times. Now when school starts the bedtime will go back into effect.
I am more concerned about what we are allowing into our children’s minds than their summer bedtimes. I don’t believe it is appropriate for a young child to view that movie. That is just my opinion; obviously, there are parents out there who would disagree. My husband and I feel very strongly that as parents we should guard our children’s minds and hearts in an age-appropriate manner.
Regardless, no one deserves to be shot when at the theater, regardless of their age, time of day/night, or what movie they choose to view. My prayers go out to all the families, and also to the shooter who obviously needs the love of the Lord in his life.
Posted this on fb… It’s a good and balanced article . Posts come from various places. You might not have thought about this issue of it had not happened. No, we don’t know why she was there, but it brought to mind a concern you saw (and not just a one time thing).
Part I’m too chicken to put on fb:
I got bashed for mentioning the shooting and boycotting Chickfila in the same post. My point was that with crime and fires, why are some boycotting a pro-family restaurant. Several said it was awful that I mentioned one with the other. But morally and biblically I DID compare the two.
I would LOVE to hear your comparison!
Me, too!
I completely agree with you. I know it is a sensitive subject, especially as it relates to the shooting. But you pointed out you hated to even have that thought after hearing about the tragedy. I bet a lot of people had the same gut reaction. I would never attempt to judge her particular situation or choices, but it is an example that is fresh in the minds of most right now to lead into your topic.
I recently watched The Hunger Games movie at a 9 or 10pm showing and the woman next to us had her (maybe 8 at the most year old) daughter there with her, complete with a cuddly blanket, stuffed animal, and large frappucino… She obviously wasn’t there as a fan. She hid during most of the intense scenes and played a Nintendo DS the rest of the time. She didn’t seem particularly bothered by the movie or interested in it. It seemed to me like a “I couldn’t find a babysitter but I was going to see this movie no matter what” type situation.
Again, I try not to make uninformed judgements, but I felt sorry for this little girl who was probably tired and at least a little bit scared of the movie.
We don’t always keep to a strict schedule, but I know when I’m pushing my kids’ limits and try to avoid it. Especially in terms of not exposing them to questionable entertainment/media. I don’t even like them seeing most commercials and movie trailers during otherwise harmless programming. No matter when you could have chosen to bring up this topic, it would step on some toes because it has become commonplace for “adults” to live for themselves and drag the kids along for the ride.
You are right on, yes it is a touchy subject, but I think most mothers had that question upon hearing that story.
Did anyone else also cringe at the mother with 2 kids there? One was a baby! Again, why? Yes parents need date night, yes babies sleep just about anywhere, yes that shooter had no right. However, why not get a sitter, why not rent a movie at home and spend time together, why not go the next afternoon and use daycare?
I think it’s a whole new type of parenting that just doesn’t get it.
Yes, Melissa, I know. I don’t really have a problem with babies in a theatre–as long as they really do sleep and don’t disturb everyone else there–because some parents just can’t afford a sitter and babies often do sleep right through. But older kids? That’s a loud movie. There’s really no reason to have a child there.
My kids are definately on a routine. I’m not a stickler about exact times but all things usually happen within 30 minutes – give or take. I agree that routines/schedules make happier kids. I don’t mean to pat myself on the back but I feel I have pretty happy kids and I think a lot of that has to do with their routines. They are happier when they know what is coming next.
Thank you for this post, Sheila. I had the same thought when I heard the news story on TV. My personal opinion in this matter is not so much the *time* that the child was still up (structure is good, and perhaps ideally she should’ve been in bed) but rather the content of the movie. I firmly believe no 6-year-old– or even up to 16 or 17 years of age!– should watch that kind of film. I have mixed feelings about the Batman movies. I’ve seen the previous two but was uneasy about the Joker role in the second film. I planned on going to the third myself but got sick prior and had to miss out. Regardless, I’m 23 years old and I wasn’t quite sure how the movie was going to affect *me*. Perhaps it’s better I missed out.
I digress. Essentially, I don’t think it’s wrong to question the presence of the little girl at this viewing. It’s not disrespectful, it’s merely recognizing an unfortunate mistake. My heart goes to out to all the victims of the Aurora shootings and I continue to pray for their families.
I will keep this short and sweet…. I agree 100% with what was written. Children need structure and NOT to be seeing movies that even the movie makers who want your money say not appropriate for child viewing. Closing eyes during violent scenes, you still hear the screams and then the poor childs mind is left to their own imagination. Not to mention the fowl language. Parents need to stop being afraid to say “NO”, its okay to use that word with our children. They will appreciate it later in life: ) My husband and I have a rule for ourselves that if the movie isn’t child friendly it isn’t Children of God friendly. Hubby doesn’t have a desire to see scantily dressed women, I Love him CrAzY for that: ) And I don’t have a desire to see blood n gut and naked men butts……. Okay so maybe I didn’t keep it short…LOL!
I am deeply upset for this woman that has lost her child and unborn baby. There are no words to describe the kind of pain that comes with burying a baby. I have been there and would never want to do it again.
I can not deny though, that the first thing that occurred to me upon hearing there had been children present at this particular movie at that time of night was ” What on Earth were children doing there?” My heart obviously went out to the families. I felt empathy for those who are planning/have had funerals.
That being said, I can’t quite imagine the exceptions that would make me decide to take a small child to a theatre, playing a movie with a theme that dark, regardless of how a child pleaded. I would just not be able to live with introducing the content to the child,
We totally have a PG 13 policy in our house too…. I can probably list on both hands the number of movies above that rating, and most of them were historical (war etc) in nature; Thus the reason for the upped rating.
I have a similar husband that doesn’t want to watch graphic violence, sexuallly explicit material, or excessive foul language. I feel grateful for that, because it makes it so much easier to include family in our tv watching without exposing them to too much.
“Garbage in, Garbage out”, as I once heard it referred to.
I don’t think this is in poor taste because the point is that this tragedy points us to a larger reality about many children in North America. I’ve known for a long time that children are watching incredibly inappropriate media, but it’s part of our culture. If you don’t follow in line, you’re a weirdo. Trust me, I know. There are very few boundaries for most families about what kids watch and don’t watch and really, the majority are completely unaware of the effects of dark media on kids. It’s sad.
I’m glad that you posted this, because I was too chicken to say it anywhere. I’m not as concerned about the structure/bedtime issue as the fact that a 6 year old was at a PG-13 VIOLENT movie. Having babies there to me is no big deal because they will sleep, you can turn their car seats around and they won’t absorb much (if anything). A 6yo will SEE and REMEMBER all those horrible things that are in the movie.
We wonder why people are becoming desensitized to the value of human life? Maybe because they are seeing the joker and other crazy violence from the time that they are little children and that is becoming normal for them. No, not everyone who sees the movie will go and kill someone, but I really believe that the more we see stuff like this the more we get desensitized to it.
Yes, I agree that this is probably the main issue. I wrote about it a lot in my post Sheltering is Not a Bad Word, which I linked to, but I didn’t spell out everything again. Perhaps I should have, because it does seem in reading this post again that my main criticism was the bedtime, and not the movie itself.
Personally, I think the movie is too dark for me to see, so I can’t imagine taking a child to it!
I had read the sheltering post when you put it up – it was great and is definitely worth a read for anyone who missed it the first time around. I watched part of one of the other Batman movies with my husband and even though I had my eyes closed and ears covered for half the movie, I still couldn’t sleep for days afterwards. Never again.
While I won’t choose to comment on the particular mom or the 6 year old at a midnight movie, I will specullaate on schedules and children. My husband and I have been married for 30+ years, have 9 children, 4 -in-laws’, and 4 grandbabies. We have 5 children remaining at home still in school. We have always tried to maintain a bedtime for our children, especially when they were 10 or younger. Not only did it make for happier children, but it also made for happier parents. My husband and I looked forward to when the kids got in bed! It gave us time to be alone without having to leave the house. Lots of times, I would stay up late just to be in the house, with all my little chicks, but enjoying the quiet and peace. I was also very conscientious of naptime! If my kids were fussy or whiney, I would know it wasn’t just bc they hadn’t had enough sleep. Not that the remaining 5are 13-18 years of age, I give them more freedom re when they go to bed, but I let them know that they are responsible for how they act, that they must make wise choices regarding sleep.
I’m off to play with my son right now and don’t have time to write a lot, but … I definitely agree that she was too young for that kind of violence and that our country is having a crisis regarding who is parenting and what kind of lives children should lead.
I agree that schedules are great, but we also enjoy a fun late night every once in a while. I’m a natural night owl and I think it can be part of a celebration while also being a teaching tool in the morning when they wake up tired! =)
However, as someone who watched a couple of scary films when I was not mature enough to handle them (and can still remember visual images today), I am very careful about what our kids watch. And fortunately, my oldest daughter is very sensitive like me, so I’m thankful that she has a built in conscious about being careful what her little eyes see. I also have a friend who teaches her children to “avert their eyes” from anything that could be inappropriate for their hearts to take in. We can’t shelter them from everything (billboards, commercials, magazines at the check out line, ridiculous, gigantic pictures of scantily dressed people at the mall, etc.) so we need to be teaching them how to do it themselves.
Finally, as someone who has done a few things that I really regret with my children and would be horrified (and judged) if they made public news, my heart goes out to this poor woman. For those who don’t know, she has also suffered a miscarriage and was just declared to be paralyzed from the waist down, both as a result of the Aurora shootings. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/30/ashley-moser-mom-of-young_n_1720320.html
I believe she needs an overwhelming outpouring of grace, love and prayer from the Christian community for her emotional, physical, and spiritual healing. Please join with me in doing that.
Grace to all of us mommas,
melanie sunukjian
http://www.shesourceful.com
On a similar note, I wrote a blog post called, “In Defense of the Over-Protective Parent” a couple years ago in regards to all the hub-bub about the woman who let her 9 year old son ride the NYC subway. http://shesourceful.com/2010/07/01/in-defense-of-the-over-protective-parent/
Melanie, that is so, so sad what she’s going through. I hope and pray that the Christian community in Colorado does come around her.
I do feel like maybe I shouldn’t even have mentioned it, it’s just that most of us didn’t even think it was an issue until it hit the news. I never imagined parents were doing this.
I do feel that there’s a difference between riding the subway, though, and going to an adult movie at midnight. I rode subways as a child (I grew up in downtown Toronto), and if you look at the crime statistics, it was more dangeorus then. But everyone did it. That’s a life skill, and I think it’s a bit different. But regardless, all these grieving moms do need our support.
I also just had another thought. I think everyone just simply agrees that the mom did something wrong, right? Like, it was not a good idea to take a child to a midnight showing of that movie, even though that does not mean that they deserved to be attacked. But her way out of this is not going to be to rationalize what she did. Her way out will have to be admitting that she made a poor choice, but also seeing that God is still in control, that God’s grace covers that, that God is enough to carry her, that God can give her peace and strength again, and that God can give her a future and a hope–a future in heaven where there won’t be violence, and where every tear is held for her.
That’s what she needs to hear. And I hope that she will one day understand that message.
Sheila, I wasn’t meaning to communicate that you shouldn’t have mentioned it. I’m actually a big fan of saying out loud what (almost) everyone is thinking, even if it’s hard to hear – or say. I believe we can learn from such situations. I still remember Oprah having a mom on her show who lost her daughter in a car accident because she didn’t buckle her up properly, with the justification that they were not driving very far. That’s all this normally corner-cutting mom needed to hear to make sure I didn’t get lazy with carseats over the years… I don’t live in fear of it, just try to live in wisdom.
However, I hope this Aurora mom and her support system are wise enough not to read what everyone is saying because they would not be able to receive it without feeling personally attacked and overwhelmed.
Overall, you’re right, that if the Spirit convicts her that what she did was not what He desired for her precious daughter, then God’s grace covers her repentant heart. I just pray that she doesn’t live under the enemy’s voice of condemnation and failure for the rest of her life. (And that she’s not receiving condemnation from Christians.) Sometimes it’s hard for us moms to tell the difference between the two..
I too wondered why in the world there were children in the theater that time of night and at such a horribly violent movie. We have a nearly 6 y.o. and a 4 y.o. and we are extremely careful about what we let them watch. In fact, there are several Disney princess movies that we’ve decided they aren’t ready for, or contain things we won’t permit in our home. They also thrive on a predictable routine and set boundaries. They know what is going to happen next, how their days should go and they feel the safety in that. Now, we do go out and occasionally deviate from it if there is a special occasion, but it is rare. They are thriving, growing, learning and heaven forbie plesant to be around most of the time.
Last summer we had to drive from the Midwest out to California to take care of family business. While we were visiting friends in Vegas, my husband and I got to spend a night in a hotel without the girls (his mom was with us and he flew in to meet us in Vegas on the trip back. Grandma and the girls stayed with family friends and had a blast). Just to say we did it, we went and walked the strip to see the lights after it got dark. You would not believe the number of strollers out there being pushed by women who had those large alcohol cups that you carry with a strap! You could tell some of them were buzzed by how they were streering the strollers. It was all I could do to not beg to take those precious children home with me. My heart broke seeing what those children were being subjected to as infants and terrified for their futures. And everyone else pretended they didn’t see it or it was normal.
Hopefully this wakes some parents up. It is a shame that child died, no child (or person) should ever have to face such a thing happening. But maybe it will serve as a wakeup call for someone.
I became a single mom when my son was 3mos. and my daughter was 17mos. I’m telling you I did everyone a favor by having strict bedtimes. Very rarely did I have a break so this was my time to do me things. To this day my kids are amazing sleepers at 9 and 10 years old. I am thankful for the time I had with them as a single mom, but I am happy to say we found an amazing man whom we call husband and father. Now I can leave them with him and have real honest to goodness me time. 🙂
I thought the same thing about a 6yr old at this type of movie. We are very strict about what our kids are allowed to watch. Personally, the violence (on the advertisements) was disturbing to me as an adult. I can not imagine the nightmares my 6yr old daughter would have had. Bedtime isn’t always that strict around here, but McDonalds at 10pm or movies at midnight are still waaay too late. I can’t believe all the people I know who do allow their kids to stay up super late or watch inappropriate movies.
Dear Sheila
I am not saying this to bring you down, as I really like what your blog has to say on this, but I really do think that this particular woman should be left to grieve without feeling more shame for her losses. Without being judged individually at this moment. There were a lot of other children younger then this little girl who were there that night. I just feel that this woman’s choices shouldn’t be pointed out and judged by us. This woman’s name is Ashley Moser and she has lost her 6 year old daughter, Veronica. Ashley may very likely never walk again, and on top of that she’s now had a miscarriage. I think she’s dealing with enough. I believe she’s had enough people judge her decisions, and I believe she’s probably judging herself very harshly at this time of extreme pain, so I don’t know why she has to be an example of your blog today. It would have been sufficient to leave it with the McDonalds story instead of bringing this woman, who has suffered so much, into the discussion at all. All I know is that “there but for the grace of God go I” in regards to horrible things that can happen that are beyond our control. There are other examples of how our children grow up too fast, like the violent video games that many parents let into their homes with or without realizing it, or the “sexy” dolls we bring into our homes, or even your McDonalds story. I really don’t believe that the problem lies outside anyone’s home, the problems lies within all of our homes. When I hear stories like this it tends to make me introspective and examine my own decisions much more then examining the decisions of others. Like I said, I like the topic of your blog and I think it needs to be addressed by each and every one of us within our own homes, but I don’t believe Ashley, the mom of 6 year old Veronica, needed to be an example today. Most of us will never live what she is going through, so she’s an extreme example of what you are talking about in regards to chaos and how we let it into our homes and the lives of our children either knowingly or unknowingly on a daily basis. Batman isn’t a movie my children will see anytime soon, and they have strict bedtimes, but I know parents who have let their children see it and/or who don’t have strict bedtimes, and I know these parents love their kids as much as I love mine. Nobody is perfect and I believe that if people actually examined their own lives and held themselves accountable instead of pointing out others mistakes, then they would have more time to fix their own homes. I know that it’s not my place to judge this woman or anyone else for that matter, but it is my place to judge my own actions and hold myself accountable. Some days I am better at doing that then other days, but I still try. My heart breaks for this woman, her family, and all those involved in this horrible, horrible incident, as I am sure yours does too. And Sheila, I really don’t mean to get down on you, I just felt moved to respond and I hope that it isn’t taken in a way that you feel attacked by what I am saying. That isn’t my intent, and I pray that you and your readers do not take it as such. Now, I need to get going so I can go Love My Kids some more today, and Love up my Husband as well. Thank you for your thoughtful blog postings as they always give me something to think about and reflect on, and I believe that is the reason you do this. Gods Blessings to you Sheila.
I know what you’re saying, and that’s why I’ve been second guessing myself.
But here’s where I struggle: throughout his epistles, Paul consistently points out what the churches are doing wrong. He doesn’t just say “there but for the grace of God go I”; he actually says, “you foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you?” He says that some people have fallen ill and died because they’ve treated communion wrong–and therefore blamed people for their own deaths.
Now, I’m not Paul, and what I write isn’t Scripture. And perhaps even more importantly, Paul was writing to Christians he already knew and had a relationship with; I don’t know this mother, and I don’t know where her faith lies.
That’s where the tricky part comes in. I just think sometimes our society has come down too far on the side of NOT saying when something is wrong, because we all mistakes. And that’s absolutely true; we all do make mistakes. But at the same time, some things do need to be said. Children should not be at this movie, regardless of the time. And they definitely shouldn’t be at it at midnight.
If I could have made that point as well without bringing up the example, I would have, and in retrospect perhaps that’s what I should have done. But I do think we need to be calling people back to proper parenting and responsibility. And if I could figure out the proper line to draw, I’d be much happier!
Sheila, I believe you are selling yourself short if you honestly believe that was the best way to make your point, on the other side of the coin, a discussion is going. I do believe that your point could have been made quite well without bringing this particular situation up. The point you have is a strong one.
The point I was trying to make was that when things like this happen most people don’t look into what they do on a daily basis. It’s easy for me to say that I would not have made the same decision, because it’s just something that I wouldn’t do – in other words it’s not a decision based on hindsight on my part, it’s just not something I would do, period. That being said, there are areas where I do make decisions that in hind sight I find to be lacking, decisions that perhaps this woman never would have made. Anyway, this is about what each of us does in our own homes, and it always amazes me how easily fingers are pointed without really examining our own lives to see where we could improve. I guess that’s why these things make me introspective and cause me to look at my own life and decisions. When bad things happen to others or me, I believe it’s a good thing to reexamine my life too, to make adjustments in light of what is going on around me and within me. I find I learn more from doing that then judging others, it’s constructive for me rather then destructive to my soul.
So, although your point is valid I just think it would have been better made through different means. Now it seems that perhaps the attention you wanted to bring to this particular subject to is being taken in another direction. Is that right or wrong, I don’t know. What I do know, and this is speaking strictly for myself, is that when I question or doubt whether I should or shouldn’t do something, in hind sight I find that I shouldn’t have. If you have reason to pause and question then, from my point of view and my life experience that means someone of a higher authority is trying to tell you something.
I completely agree with you Karla. Shelia, I am actually saddened that you would choose to point fingers at a mom that just went through massive loss. Your point could have been made well without the mention of what happened in Aurora. I completely agree that children should have bedtimes and rules, and wouldn’t have taken my child to a midnight showing, but I think you could have picked a better way to illustrate your point. I’ve lost some respect for you because of this post. You placed shame on a mom who just lost 2 children and became paralyzed from the ordeal. I wish you would have thought a little bit more before posting this.
What I do not understand is why the theaters allow kids in to these kind of movies. What is the point behind movie ratings if they are not enforced? A few years ago, my husband and I went to the third movie in the Matrix trilogy and seated behind us was a man with a boy that was 4 or 5 years old. Why did the theater allow this child in? The movie was rated R and was extremely violent. If the parents are not able to exercise good judgement, then perhaps the movie theaters need to step in to protect the kids. If this was standard procedure and parents knew they wouldn’t be able to take the kids in to inappropriate movies, maybe they wouldn’t even try.
Batman is only rated PG, which is the same rating they gave the new Ice Age movie. My husband and I were baffled by that. I’m certain, even without seeing it, that the new Batman movie shouldn’t be watched by the same audience.
The current Batman movie is actually PG-13
Dana, we JUST looked up the movie at the local movie theatre last weekend and I am telling you it was listed right along the new IceAge movie. Trust me. I was so shocked that I checked and double checked. That’s what they had them both listed as. If it was an error, so be it..but that was the rating that was there for parents to judge by, and the ushers at the theatre.
I just check again. Two completely different movie theatres(not in any way related to each other) in different towns have both the newest Batman and the newest Ice Age movies listed as PG. My point remains, there is an even bigger problem here when those two movies are giving the same or similar ratings. I for one never know how seriously to take ratings anymore. I know that some would say to watch a movie ahead of time, but I’d bet there are plenty of parents who cannot afford that. We need a better ratings system.
In our case, because we both like Batman movies, we already knew that this was probably too scary for our child, but there are some who might not realize it..and even if one would with this, what about other movies?
I also thought the same thing upon hearing about the children at the theater – what were a 6 year old and a 3 month old doing at a midnight showing? I immediately felt guilty, because as a parent myself I simply cannot imagine being in such a terrifying scenario with my kids, and beyond that I cannot fathom losing a child. My heart goes out to the mother in Aurora. She has a long road of recovery ahead of her, both physically and emotionally. You never get over losing a child.
It does bring up a broader issue though. While working in the school system here in the US it became painfully clear to me that we ARE living in a generation of very permissive parenting where children are being raised without appropriate boundaries. We had elementary-age kids falling asleep in class because they went to bed too late – not because of homework, but because of video games, television, and movies. There’s something wrong with that to me. It’s one thing for a late night to be a treat, but it’s another when lack of sleep is a chronic issue. And the chronic issue is becoming a problem across the board. This instance simply brought attention to the chronic issue. It doesn’t diminish anyone’s sympathy for this poor mother in Aurora.
While I completely understand the parental concern that many have over taking children out so late and watching such a violent movie… I also wonder would you be saying the parents were irresponsible if this happened at christian concert that lasted until midnight or 1pm or people leaving a conference that went late into the evening or a sleepover at church and this happened… I don’t think people would be quite so judgemental. I agree it’s not what I would take my kids too (if I had any) due to the nature of the film, but I also understand parents needs a night out and some parents may not be able to afford both a night at the movies and childcare as well… I think it’s the last thing people should really be concerned about as this truly could have happened anywhere at anytime…
I grew up watching Batman, but it was at home on the VCR where my mom could monitor what parts we saw. I have a 5 year old son who I have never taken to a movie for a few reasons. First being the noise level. If it hurts my ears and my husband’s(who doesn’t hear the best) I can only imagine what it is doing to a little persons ears. You never know when a child is going to get bored with it or have to use the bathroom 100 times and personally I would want to view the movie before letting my kids watch. I don’t care what the rating. Children pick up on anything and many kids movies have PLENTY of adult humor in them.
Our society is a media controlled one. One where rushing out to the premier of a big movie such as this gives you extra credit points with your peers. And some bonus points for subjecting your children to a large crowd, violence and such. Makes you “cool” so to speak. I was 22 when I had my son and ya, it was a tough adjustment. I couldn’t just pick up and go like I used to. But being a mother that stays home and nurturers her child and keeps a house isn’t “trendy”. We are taught that kids shouldn’t slow us down and we shouldn’t have to give up our “freedoms” to be a parent. I am now 28, just had a second baby 5 months ago and found peace with wanting to stay home and be out of date on the newest movies, music and fashion is just fine with me.
It is not a relevant point to say “oh they would be alive if they hadn’t gone”. There are 10 other people that went to that movie not knowing what was going to happen and 58 more wounded. That doesn’t count the people who were not physically injured, but with mentally deal with this event for the rest of their lives.
The entire point is, why can we not slow down enough to raise our kids without all the excess media in our lives? I do not think this post is in bad taste, it brings up some very valid points about modern day parenting.
It breaks my heart seeing how kids are not able to be kids in so many ways now a days as well as seeing parents making selfish decisions when they have kids. I fully agree with you on why the heck is a six year old at a midnight movie…an adult and violet one at that. Kids don’t have filters like adults, take things literally and are exposed to so much at such a young age my heart breaks. The violence in movies, even “kid movies” is horrible these days!! Disney movies are quite often “dark” as well as others….don’t even get me going on video games!!
What really concerns me is the lack of boundaries. When not learned at a young age, the ramifications when they are adults is scarey to think about…not only in the area of entertainment, but how it flows into so many other areas of life. Boundaries are good things and study after study has proven that. It takes more work to stick to them when your child is screaming about them and you are tired etc. but the rewards are worth it.
Sadly, with single parent families I can appreciate how tough it is to have to carry that load on your own and can why it is easier to give in than have to battle things out when you just want some time to yourself. Perhaps this mother wanted some time to herself and couldn’t afford a sitter…could there have been someone she could have swapped sleep overs with or a family member who could have helped out? I don’t know. What I do know is that a decision was made, and the cost of that decision was heart breaking….
Townsend and Cloud have a great book called “Boundaries for Kids”. A great resource for any parent, especially those who have not grown up with any boundaries. A great reminder for me to stick with the boundaries – my kids’ lives could depend on it…
I agree with your point about structure. I also agree with your point about us being cautious about what our children watch. But I do think that certain things need to be up to the parents, and that every child/family is different. Some families work on a different schedule..but as long as there is a schedule/routine, it’s all good. What movies are appropriate for children can depend. When I consider that the Looney Toons Movie version of Horton Lays an Egg includes a fish who shoots himself upon seeing an Elephant sitting on an egg, I have to say that “the good ole days” weren’t nearly as censored as people think they were. Of course, that being said, my husband and I decided this past weekend that despite the fact that both Batman AND the new Ice Age movie(see here: cartoon movie for young children) were rated the SAME (PG), we still opted not to take our child to see Batman. Also, I am sure you are familiar with a nearby drive in? Well, it has movies that often start with one or two kids movies and then one for the grown ups. I’ve seen people there with their kids “camping out” in the back the van(sound asleep not long after bedtime) while mom and dad watch a movie, too. So we cannot judge a book by its cover so to speak.
As for the appropriateness of this post, despite agreeing with your general point, I think it was in poor taste to criticize that mom. Her child is dead, her baby is dead and she is dead. Let’s hope the rest of us never have to pay such a high price for our children being up past bedtime or watching PG movie.
Sheila, I think you just said what so many of us have been thinking. And using the child at the theater as an example isn’t vengeful or aggressive to the mom – you’re just using an example that nearly everyone in North America is aware of.
You brought up two issues, and I agree with you on both of them.
1. Ask ANY pediatrician or child development expert or teacher (need I go on?) and they will all tell you that kids do better with structure. And,
2. Taking small children to dark, violent, scary, and/or sexual movies is at best inappropriate.
One of the earlier comments said something to the effect that “parenting” has been reduced to “producing children”, while it used to mean so much more.
All the comments about people having atypcial schedules (like the mom who worked with college students late into the evening) are perfectly welcome to adapt their schedules to fit their lifestyles and more power to them :o), but really, that’s a red herring. Because you don’t have to look very far to realize that’s not predominantly what we’re seeing.
To be a parent is to lay down your life. That sounds all big and dramatic, but it’s in the little everyday moments where that is lived out at a cost. It is work to enforce a bedtime. It takes strength to establish good patterns of behavior in my children (and myself). It is self denial to tell myself, “I want to go to the movie, but I don’t have a sitter so I’ll stay home instead.” It is sacrifice to miss out on social outings at 10pm because my child needs to be in bed then. It is not easy. It’s never easy to put someone else’s needs ahead of our own. But the reward is great.
Don’t feel guilty for what you wrote, Sheila. Where there’s light, there are always bugs.
Julie
well put, Julie
Just throwing this out there–but a lot of people are saying, “you don’t really know the situation. There may be a reason that kids you see out at 11 in a restaurant are there.” And I’d agree–if it was the rare jetlagged family or something. But it’s really common.
And I wonder–is the whole reluctance to lay down a parenting rule–“kids should have a bedtime and be in bed, no questions asked”–part of the problem? The reason that I had a bedtime back in the seventies was because EVERYBODY DID. It was part of being a kid, and it was part of being a parent. But as we’ve made allowances for so many things today, there no longer is societal pressure simply saying, “a parent puts kids to bed at a decent hour–no exceptions”.
Do you know what I mean?
There was basically consensus on good parenting in the 70s that there just isn’t today. So perhaps the problem isn’t that we’re being too judgmental–it may be that we’re not laying down strict enough rules in the first place.
I’m just thinking out loud here–what do the rest of you think?
I think the number of things being excused under the umbrella of “you don’t know the situation” is becoming ridiculous. No, you don’t always know the situation, but unfortunately in my experience there is often no “situation”. I’ve witnessed more plain bad parenting than I have special situations. That’s just the truth. I’m not saying EVERY parent who takes their kids out late at night is a bad parent. But can we just call a spade a spade instead of becoming a society where everyone has to walk on eggshells?
I’m really conflicted with it actually. In a different post, you talked about this subject, too(but without the reference to the mom and 6 year old in the theatre), and I really thought that a lot of what you said was right on. I really do agree that far, far too many kids have little to know structure at all. That being said, I have two friends who put their kids to bed at 6:30p.m.
(ages 5 and up) I think that is way too early. Even if my child would sleep that early, she would be up at about 4a.m.(I have learned this through experiences on nights when she fell asleep early after a big day and I let her sleep). If I put my child to bet between 8p.m. to 8:30p.m., she wakes up on her own and chipper as all get out between 6:30a.m. and 7:30a.m. That is perfect for us and our family schedule. If, for some reason or another, she goes to bed at 9:00p.m., she typically still wakes up at those times, though maybe a little less chipper(therefore, I don’t let her stay up until that time very often. Besides that, we need “us” time as a couple). Now for my friends, in one scenario they want their children up an what I would consider a completely unreasonable hour because that’s THEIR work/family schedule and another family, the kids go to sleep then and get up at around the same time as my child…in other words, their kids just plain need more sleep.
Though they’ve never said anything, I have gotten the impression from at least one person in one of the couples that they think I am a bad parent for letting my child stay up until 8p.m. or goodness no, not 8:30p.m.! (I don’t even tell them about the nights when we take her to the theatre for the 7p.m. showing of a movie and she stays up until 9!) When I was a kid, that was bedtime for me and most other kids I knew. In fact, in asking other parents, I’ve found that many find that to be reasonable. The range of bedtimes when I ask around run from 6 p.m. to 9p.m. That’s for the kids who have bedtimes.
Going back further, when my child was a baby, I knew of families that had a “morning nap time” and an “afternoon naptime” and a “bedtime”. Aside from the newborn stage when my baby seemed to only wake up to feed for 30minutes every two hours, she never really seemed to need a “morning nap”. I just couldn’t seem to get her to take one. But she had an afternoon “nap” of one to two hours every day. I later learned that other babies who only had one nap slept for 2 to 3 hours. Mine just didn’t seem to need to sleep that well. She woke up chipper on her own, met/exceeded all developmental milestones and grew extremely well. When she was about a year and a half old, she was down to no more than an hour of naptime per day. Bedtime was 7:00p.m. or 7:30p.m. at the latest. She slept most mornings until 6:30a.m. and woke up happy and ready to play. There was just no getting her to nap longer. We even had a babysitter quit because she wanted babies to nap from lunchtime until about 4p.m. Well, that never happened with ours and certainly wasn’t about to happen then. We tried making her nap for two hours. All that did was make her stay up later and then she still woke up at the same time in the morning and was crabby as all get out!
hope you can see where I am going with this. I think for *most* families, midnight is too late, but the point is, when we judge people, it’s often by our own standards, which may or may not apply to them. So we have to at least keep in mind that there is some flexibility there.
I do think that parents have really gotten away from basic parenting skills. In fact, those don’t even seem to be promoted anymore. Society is so much more concerned with the latest and newest gadget and less concerned with the basics.
I agree with your article and have had similar thoughts being at the movie with my husband and seeing other small children. Why are they up so late and why are they watching this or that? Even children’s movies are not always appropriate. We went to see BRAVE at a 9pm showing (so glad I didn’t take my 4,6 & 8 year old to see it, too dark and scarey for them!) and when we left there was a line up outside the theatre for the Batman openning, including younger kids.
Schedules, yes, good sleep habits yes, sheltering, yes. Flexibility – yes, while travelling, on summer vacation, and as the exception, not the rule. Because once in a while it is me out there with the kids too late at Walmart or a restaurant, but only once in a while and when I feel we can handle it and can handle the fall out (cranky pants) if any, the next day.
I have vivid memories of laying awake in my bed in the summer WAY before the sun went down and listening to my parents and the neighbors chatting on the back patio which was right outside my open window. Boy was I mad that I had to go to bed that EARLY but I got over it (probably within 5 minutes)! I think that there was a definate line back then between kids and adults. Kids do kid things and adults do adult things. That was it. The line has been so blurred that you are looked upon as a tyrannical parent if you try and enforce those lines. I know that my biggest struggles as a parent of 5 children is the enforcement of my rules amongst my friends/ parents/ other authority figures in their lives. With 5 kids, the rules RULE our house and have to for there to be anything other than chaos. My husband and I are way beyond man to man and have moved onto zone defense! My kids like the rules and structure even if some of them won’t admit it (I have two teens!). I totally agree with your article and found myself having the same questions about the 6 year old and then feeling guilty afterwards. I really love your posts and thank you for them.
I have a couple thoughts –
Every family functions differently and I think we need to be very careful not to judge (not saying you are – but we need to be very careful not to) what other parents do.
It is summer time and our kids can’t sleep when it is light out – so we keep them up until 10-11pm – until the sun goes down or the temperature cools off enough for comfortable sleep.
What if a parent works shift work and the only time they can hang out with their kid at McDonalds is in the evening? We don’t know their situation and what brought them to that place.
I would NEVER take my young (or old) children to a scary movie late at night, but we know many families that don’t see anything at all wrong with that. It boggles my mind.
I appreciate you bringing up this discussion – and allowing an honest dialogue here. I do thing we need to be careful not to put our own personal parenting opinions on to other people and blatantly say this is the right way and you are wrong (again – not saying you are doing this, but warning against it).
We have been accused in the past of putting our kids to bed to early and letting them sleep too much. Or not doing this or that up to someone else’s standards. I think we have to be very careful or we can wound other people without realizing it.
Just my thoughts -for what they are worth.
Let me phrase this by saying that I am an educator and have seen both sides of the coin.
With that being said, the day we learned of the shooting on the radio my children (girls aged 9 and 12) were outraged that someone would bring their 6 year old to a midnight movie, let alone that particular one.
I am often grocery shopping late at night after my children and husband are asleep and I am never surprised to see children that are in my class or much younger that are at the store at 11:30pm on a school night.
This is a common mindset of people today. Consequences don’t apply. It’s not a big deal, you do what you want to do when you do it without structure.
This article makes some good points. Good parenting seems to be hard to find these days. Kids are being raised in a world without rules or consequences. And movie ratings are pretty worthless since a lot of people ignore them.
HOWEVER, this point could have been made just as well without bringing in the shooting victims. It has only been 11 days! Seriously, this is way, way too soon. The last thing this poor woman needs is to have the world judging her parenting decisions.
I have been in many movies where there were children in attendance who I felt were too young. Couldn’t you have found another example to use for this post? Remember when “Passion of the Christ” came out and there were all those stories of people taking their young kids? Talk about that, or Hunger Games, or the Transformers movies, or Pirates of the Caribbean. Please leave the victims of this tragedy to grieve before piling on the guilt.
I am currently on Vacation in Disney world and my husband and I were just talking about this in regards to being here. It amazes me how many people keep their kids out from early morning to late at night because, “I paid a fortune, so we are going to have fun if it kills us” meanwhile these poor kids are NOT having fun, as evidenced by the near constant tantrums they throw! I had somebody comment about how well behaved and happy my kids were even in this sweltering heat. I told them it was because they were not exhausted!
My littles are typically in bed around 7:00. We tried a slightly later bedtime but since they get up at 6:30 regardless of when they go to bed, they were clearly getting too tired during the day. That means sometimes that they get less than 30 minutes of daddy time some days so now we’re working on changing his schedule so that he can get home a little earlier. There is a little bit of knowing what is best for them in this and a little bit of self-defense since I have a hard time completing longer tasks when they are up and, while we enjoy family time greatly, we also enjoy time together as a couple.
The only place I ever go after they are in bed is the grocery store and I do see little kids there regularly. I try to assume the best–that they are they because that is the only time that the parents have available to shop. It is hard to see the fractious ones who I know are only misbehaving because they are desperately tired though.
We don’t do a rigid schedule either but we do have a routine that makes the flow of the day a little more predictable. That keeps me from watching the clock and stressing when neediness doesn’t line up just right or things take longer than I think they will but also gives the kids the sense that they know what comes next.
I think everyone thought this! When I heard about this my first though was what was a 6 year old doing at this movie. I disagree with some if the comments saying that some 6 years olds are mature enough to see this movie. 6 is too young to be exposed to sex, violence and dark themes! They are young for such a short time! Let them be kids! I don’t think there is a “situation” where this is ok. I feel so sad that a little girl lost her life, but you need to call a spade a spade! Well said Sheila!
As a mom, as a grandma, as a day care provider I totally agree with you. TOTALLY. As a writer I did post a ‘writing’ about this very same concern. Not judging or blaming anyone, but in reality. if this child and all the others who were at this showing were home in their beds, under soft comforters. Trauma would not have happened. At least to them.
It might have happened but we would not be reading or hearing of 6 year olds, or 4 month olds or any other child under 10 at a movie theater at midnight. It is wrong.
I will never agree even if it was mickey mouse and pluto. Never should they be up that late in a public setting watching a larger than life movie.
Shelia,
Shame on you. There are plenty of other examples you could have used-To say you didnt is wrong. You wanted controversy, you wanted debate-and this poor mothers loss of a child is your way to accomplish that. While I don’t know you, I bet there are many things you have done wrong as a parent that should we isolate we could use as an example. Having your children in bed an not exposing them to certain movies does not make you mother of the year. Get off your high horse and offer support and prayers rather than berate this poor women who lost a child she loves as much a you love hers. May the Lord have mercy on your judgmental soul.
I’m sorry, but I think this is kind of funny. In the article I specifically said that I WASN’T judging her, and that I didn’t want to condemn her, but that I thought we needed to talk about this. And then you leave a comment judging me for being judgmental. Do you see the irony in that at all? 🙂
And they hid behind anonymity. Which I thought still more ironic, since you at least were courageous enough to put your name on your thoughts.
As a mom I like structure. I like to have my kids to bed consistently at their me-assigned early bedtime. I think they are more cheerful, alert and agreeable when all goes according to my schedule. However, I live in Mexico and am married to a Mexican Indian who is intelligent and well adjusted despite truly heinous circumstances in his childhood (and I’m not talking about not having an early bedtime). While I do think that a consistently early bedtime is the best thing for kids, I am surrounded by kids who are growing up without that cultural value. An advantage I see in his culture is that kids learn to embrace sleep, not fight it. Our schedule-oriented culture teaches kids how to sleep and when to sleep, and when those conditions can’t be met, they don’t sleep. In my husband’s culture, I see kids who recognize when their body needs sleep and happily find a way to get it–they do not fight it. They are willing and able to sleep in any environment, despite the presence or lack of a mattress, despite noise, light, etc. That is a gift that serves them their whole life.
I, too, find it strange when I see children with no bedtime. Often these same kids have behavior problems, and I suspect there is a relationship. Not the bedtime issue all by itself, but the style of parenting that does not consider structure important. And I still just don’t understand parents bringing very young children to obviously inappropriate movies, whether it is at night or a matinee. If they can’t afford a sitter, then do what my parents did. Accept that fact that you can’t have every luxury that you want, and that includes certain movies. Take the kids to a family-friendly movie instead, or enjoy some other kind of activity together.
But, whether the movie and the hour were appropriate or not, I think we can all agree it was absolutely NOT the parents’ fault that their children were subjected to real violence. The sole blame for that is with the coward who committed the act.
I just feel so bad for that young girl’s mother. She was severely wounded, her daughter died, and she was pregnant and that baby didn’t make it (she’d been shot in the stomach).
She will live the rest of her life with regret for taking her daughter to that movie, that night. I just hope she can eventually find peace.
I grew up as one of 6. By the time I was 18, my parents started adopting from the foster system. I now have 2 much younger siblings who are 5 and 7. With their drug-abusive biological mothers, my parents have a hard time getting them to bed by 9pm. especially when the 5yr old is up at the crack of dawn no matter when she goes to bed. Needless to say my bio siblings had a 7:30 bedtime, but I know my parents have to adjust to my youngest siblings due to their history. The 7yr old – Levi still has is bio Gma in his life and she is wonderful! However, she allows him to watch many Superhero movies that my parents would not normally allow due to violence and language. Really the only reason he hasn’t latched on to Batman is because how dark the movies are and he’s too young to be exposed to that. Sheila, I don’t think there was anything wrong in you bringing up this 6yr old as a jump start for such a topic. It’s something we all heard of in the news and (if we’re honest) most of us did think “what was she doing there?” Not as a judgement to the mom, but as a normal reaction to the girl’s age and the time the movie was showing. One doesn’t normally put a child under 10 with a midnight showing of a movie. thank you for your insight on this and as a note, I went and saw the movie with my husband for his birthday and there was a grandfather there with his 10yr old grandson. I was baffled.
I really think you should edit this post or remove it. I have thought about this since you posted it. I would HATE for the poor woman who lost her child and her baby and perhaps the use of her legs to read it. Or her family members. Or her friends. It makes me sick to even think about it.