Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. This week’s question involves the sensitive issue of hygiene.
I have a problem: my husband doesn’t have great hygiene. He doesn’t really brush his teeth. He doesn’t like showering that often. And he doesn’t seem to get the hint! I don’t like kissing him or being close to him. What do I do?
What do you think? Leave your thoughts in the comments!
Don’t forget this summer: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married!
Tags: hygiene, Reader Questions
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I know this seems like a silly question but have you specifically told him how you feel, gently of course? Men can’t read our minds and a lot of them can’t get the hint. They need it plainly stated for them, in a gentle way. Communication is key in a marriage. Sometimes men don’t have as keen senses as we do and might not even think they smell. So, you could broach the subject by asking him how he would feel if you didn’t brush your teeth or clean yourself regularly and then ask him how he think you feel when he doesn’t. It might broach the topic a little more gently. I hope and pray that your communication continues and this resolves the issue.
What about suggesting a candle lit bath or shower together before sex to “get you in the mood?” that way you both can get clean, but also have some fun, romantic time together.
I would agree with Christie. My husband would say that he will never get any hint, even ones that seem so obvious to me. If this were my situation I would have to bluntly say, “honey, you’re stinky. I want to snuggle and kiss on you more but to do that I need you to brush your teeth and shower at least once a day.” It’s so hard to be blunt and I know felt sooooo uncomfortable to me at first but I know my husband really appreciates it. 🙂
The shower together really works…as a a preggo SAHM with a busy two year old, sometimes I use that shower at night to get my hygiene in AND happy times with the Hubs…it’s quite the bonus! Also, sometimes when my husband starts kissing me and he has bad breath, I’ll ask him, “Could you please go brush your teeth?” and then make sure to compliment him and/or kiss him good when he returns to me! Sometimes it just helps to make the hygiene effort worth their while! http://areadersrumination.blogspot.com/
How about showering together and you do the scrubbing he needs … have you expressed to him that you would appreciate some cleanliness? I know my ex hubby got to doing these types of things and I got to the point I locked him OUT of the bedroom … it just got beyond disgusting … I wouldn’t even wash his clothes he smelled that badly … needless to say we have since divorced and I’m married 21 years to a hard working dairy farmer that won’t go anywhere away from the farm without changing his clothes and taking a shower if he has time!
The above advice is good, but I’d add reinforcing the good behavior with a positive response. Being extra affectionate when he does get cleaned up will help him make the connection and motivate the habit. You might also try some new soaps or cologne for him, letting him know you find the scent attractive. My husband has gone through phases like this and I don’t have to fake my appreciation when he snaps out of it! The fact that I am more frisky is real and drives the point home 🙂
He may not notice or care himself, but this could destroy a marriage! At least it would mine! #1 – tell him how it bothers you. He should love you enough to be clean. Not just at sex time, but all the time. IF he’s only clean to have sex, you still will not want to have sex or be intimate because of how he still embarrasses you the rest of the time. It’s also an issue of taking care of himself. God wants us to take care of ourselves. He also does not want us to offend others by the care of ourselves. #2 – get someone (another guy he respects) at church to mention it. #3 – go to counseling if the first two don’t work. There are obviously other root issues if the first 2 don’t work!
I totally agree with your response. Good hygiene has to be all the time and not only when someone wants to be intimate. I am going through this same issue with my husband for many years now. I have given him ultimatums, talked compassionately, and considered counseling. He doesn’t want counseling. I am now tracking the frequency he takes showers. None so far this month. It is now Sept 9. He occasionally washes up in the the sink. I am 36 with 2 girls and they don’t need to witness this behavior. I am at my wits end because he won’t change. We don’t even sleeo together. I need love , intimacy and affection.
Funny story… My husband would forget (read: refuse) to brush his teeth on a regular basis. Then a tooth started hurting, so I made him go to the dentist. Turns out he had 8, yes 8, cavities. He’s had to go four separate times to finish all the fillings. Needless to say, he brushes twice a day.
Also, I’m guessing no one ever really showed him HOW to shower… so when we shower together, I offer to wash his hair, his back, etc, and he does better on his own now since we married. Also, showing him his own gross stuff (skid marks on undies *ugghhhhh* and requesting that he takes care of it. Just talking to him never worked, even if it was nice and calm. My husband needs to SEE things. I guess his mom yelled at him so much growing up he just doesn’t hear much anymore.
You could try to use humor in the situation. Instead of saying “you stink!” You could say, “you smell like the office, could you go take a shower?”
I agree with both of Sis’ comments! Very creative. I am actually the one in our marriage that needs to brush more and shower more. I chase a toddler all day and don’t feel like standing in a shower at the end of the day so sometimes the hubby gently reminds me that I need to take better care of myself. One thing I would add though; one reader mentioned saying to shower everyday, but it’s actually healthier to shower only every few days as long as you aren’t in terrible need of one. That might be easier for him to start with and he may find he wants one more often or perhaps his skin gets too dry so he avoids it. My eczema keeps me from showering every day even with prescription lotion.
Or you could turn it around and tell him how it turns you on when he smells like his shower soap, “could you go get some of that scent right now, pleeaase?”
In reading the comments, I agree with direct, blunt but tactful (if that’s possible) communication. When he realizes that cleanliness will increase your libido and boost bedroom time, I bet he’ll happily comply. Co-ed showering has endless possibilities!! However, if he has a hard time coming to terms with showering, maybe there is something that he has wanted you to do (not sexually, but in general) and you’ve resisted? Maybe you could tell him you’ll change your behavior if he’ll change his. It’s not manipulation. Behavior changes like that can help you meet each other’s needs.
You may want to try giving your husband a TLC package. You can get him some items with his favorite sports team on them, for instance, or whatever you think he likes. Maybe music or sports, or maybe even tickets to a ball game. You could get him a robe, some sexy underware. Maybe even some of his favorite snacks or candies, including some mints or gum. Cinammon has a wonderful scent to it. And you can also add some men’s body wash, lotion, and other essentials. He may get the hint, but he will also see that you gave him some things that were special to him. This could open up an opportunity for communication at a later time. But remember that you also have to be open to whatever results. In other words, if you get him some intimate apparel for example, he may not just want to sleep in them. (1 Corinthians 7:5) 🙂
I like a lot of the above comments. My husband is pretty clean by nature. However, I noticed his breath was quite over powering at one point (in a bad way, not a minty way) and I simply asked him if he was flossing. He said no and I simply asked him if he could floss on a regular basis since his breath was “not at it’s best.” Simple statement. Then I walked away. I didn’t want to embarrass him further, so I dropped it after that. I didn’t stand there and look at him accusingly and I didn’t say it condescendingly. Simple, nice, and then done. Don’t say it and then point out 5 areas in which you have noticed it. Simply ask him to change it and drop it. If he doesn’t change it, wait a few of days (at least 3-4) and ask again. Then drop it and wait another few days. Don’t nag and don’t patronize. Just ask.
Another thing to consider… Is your husband suffering from depression?
When people are struggling with mental health issues, they often simply do not have the energy or motivation necessary to take care of themselves. If you notice other signs and symptoms of depression, encourage your husband to see a doctor (you may need to book the appointment and go with him, as even healthy men are next to impossible to get to the doc).
I remember when I had post-partum depression…and I honestly don’t know if I showered more often than once a week (before church, lol). At the time, I didn’t really have any awareness that I was unhygienic. All I knew was that I felt completely drained all the time.
I agree with this.
I have fought depression since I was about 12 years old. I often didn’t want to shower because I didn’t have the energy. There were days when I literally felt paralyzed and could not make simple decisions. I didn’t eat, because it meant I had to choose what cereal in the morning and I had to choose what I wanted from the school cafeteria. Just going through the motions of my daily routine was difficult. Adding in a shower or other hygiene related tasks created too many choices. It was easier to choose not to do them than it was to do them.
As for how to encourage more frequent showering, etc, I really don’t know what to say. I shower once or twice a week unless I can smell myself. My husband has begun mentioning how my skin feels (to him) after I shower and believe me, those compliments are making me want to shower more because they make me feel beautiful rather than gross. My husband doesn’t do subtle, but I think being tactfully direct instead of only blunt can make a difference.
My husband used to be like this. I finally got fed up and wrote him a letter. I told him I loved him very much and wanted to show him how much but he stunk and I couldn’t stand him. I am sure I used nice words but I was VERY clear on it all. He has showered almost daily since. This was over 18 yrs. ago. I think you need to be direct and tell him, but do so with much love. Make sure you start off with the fact that you love him.
I think before you do anything you need to find out why he doesn’t want to shower often or brush his teeth. Sometimes as wives we try to parent our husbands. I am not saying that demanding a clean man is parenting, but he may see it as such and “rebel.” Instead, try asking him the why and see what he says. He may have some really strange good reason or just come to the conclusion that he has no reason other than laziness or stubbornness and begin to take your requests seriously.
Your question reminded me of a frustration I had with my man. He would refuse to exercise, or rather move at all from the couch on vacation. I used to whine and prod at him. I would incentivize the walk with treats or whatever else I could think of. It wasn’t until I asked why that I got the real reason. He was just so tired from work that he felt like he needed to stock up on lazy time. We were then able to discuss how that made me feel and how we could compromise. I hope that helps!
I have a similar issue with my husband. He is washed brushed and clean when he gets up every day, even shaves! But to go to the bed, he never washes his hands, face or his teeth! it is absolutely disgusting to me and I have tried for the past 3 years to let him know in every way that has been given above, and always compliment him when he is clean, letting him know that I love when he smells and tastes fresh! NOTHING! And he gets angry with me when I say anything about his hygiene like its my fault that I can’t accept him for all his bad bacteria. I see that this has totally changed our level of intimacy, and I know this ultimately is causing our maraige to deteriorate.
All over brushing teeth…
Czn~Oh how I wish my husband showered or brushed his teeth or washed his face at least once a day. Last week my husband showered twice. And he works in a hot kitchen all day long. He never washes his hands after he poos. He actually has partial dentures because most of his teeth rotted out, he has probably cleaned his dentures twice in two years. We are never intimate because of this.
Oh Tina I am almost in a similar situation. My husband is a mechanic. The oil and grease is permanent in hos fingernails and hands. He’ll try giving me or our girls food with his hands and I won’t accept it. He even insists that his hands are clean. He wash them but the dirt is still there. Good hygiene has to be all the time and not only when someone wants to be intimate. I am going through this same issue with my husband for many years now. I have given him ultimatums, talked compassionately, and considered counseling. He doesn’t want counseling. I am now tracking the frequency he takes showers. None so far this month. It is now Sept 9. He occasionally washes up in the the sink. I am 36 with 2 girls and they don’t need to witness this behavior. I am at my wits end because he won’t change. We don’t even sleeo together. I need love , intimacy and affection.
I am in a similar situation. My husband is a mechanic. The oil and grease is permanent in his fingernails and hands. He’ll try giving me or our girls food with his hands like chips and I won’t accept it. He even insists that his hands are clean. He wash them but the dirt is still there. Good hygiene has to be all the time and not only when someone wants to be intimate. I am going through this same issue with my husband for many years now. I have given him ultimatums, talked compassionately, and considered counseling. He doesn’t want counseling. I am now tracking the frequency he takes showers. None so far this month. It is now Sept 9. I cannot live like this forever. He occasionally washes up in the the sink. I am 36 with 2 girls and they don’t need to witness this behavior. I am at my wits end because he won’t change. We don’t even sleeo together. I need love , intimacy and affection.