Does feeling “fat” stop you from enjoying sex?
Back in February I wrote the 29 Days to Great Sex here on this blog. If you didn’t participate, it’s not too late to start now! Just go back to day one, and work through everyday’s challenges. They’re fun!
But many people had a lot of problems with one challenge that I thought was rather tame. Compared to the ones that actually had to do with the physical side of sex, this one wasn’t so bad. I simply asked women to name five things they like about their bodies. After all, we’re so quick to list off the things that we hate about our bodies, but what do we actually like?
So I said to the women: if you can figure out what parts you like, you’ll feel more confident. Play them up! See the effect they have on your husband. Instead of always reciting to yourself your litany of physical flaws, start telling yourself your good features.
Women couldn’t find five things thy liked about their bodies.
They wrote comments, and sent emails, saying “this is too hard.”
What has society done to us that we can’t even find five things that we accept about our bodies?
We don’t have to be supermodels; we just have to say, I think this is attractive.
Last week author Jennifer K. Hale wrote a post talking about my challenge, noting how much difficulty she had with it, too. And Jennifer, to me, looks like a lovely woman. She says:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
We’ve heard it and said it a zillion times.
We talk about how important it is for all people, not just Christians, to keep from judging one another. We live in a world of political correctness where all are supposed to be equal. We fight for respect and acceptance.
But not for ourselves. It seems we can’t grant ourselves the very thing we fight to give everyone else.
Why is it that we can train ourselves to refrain from judging others, but when it comes to what we see in the mirror, we’re our own worst critics?
And then she admits that the challenge stumped her, too.
Ladies, we really need to stop this.
We are letting our culture tell us that only a very narrow range of body shapes and hair types are attractive.
Anything that falls outside of those parameters is ugly. But it isn’t true!
When we feel ugly, we hide. Jennifer says,
Some women turn into recluses, covering themselves from head to toe, hiding. They over-compensate for their looks by drawing attention away from them–covering up, or on the other side, distracting from their looks with funny faces, wild personalities, crazy antics. Then there are those who take matters into their own hands and seek medical correction for the “flaws” they see. Still others, try to “correct” their problems with too much exercise and too little food.
Don’t get me wrong– I think being healthy is incredibly important.
But I don’t think any of these actions are healthy.
I think healthy begins with acceptance.
She’s right. We all know she’s right. But that doesn’t make it easy, does it?
I don’t want to live like that.
I don’t want to give the impression to my daughters that our worth is based in our bodies.
I don’t want to always feel like I’m inadequate, that I’m not exercising enough, that I shouldn’t enjoy food. God created food! And it’s good.
I want to be able to enjoy my body. I want to have fun in my skin. I want to feel like I can get excited by it. I want to look forward to my body experiencing pleasure. I want to rejoice in what my body can do–from running errands to swimming to make my husband happy.
Look, ladies: our bodies are amazing gifts from God to us.
Are we going to see our bodies as gifts, or are we going to live our lives in guilt because we’re not thinner?
I’m thinking of a particular woman I know in her early 60s. She has cancer right now, and is wasting away. But for the last twenty years that I’ve known her, she’s been pleasantly plump. Maybe she hasn’t been happy with her body; I don’t know. But what I do know is that she has been a model of a wonderful woman of God. She has mentored so many young women. When her husband was alive, she stood side by side him in his ministry, taking over a lot of it after he passed away. She was a prayer warrior. She cared about her grandkids. She was always, always on the move, and she always gave the impression that she loved life.
She could have spent an hour at the gym everyday instead. But she didn’t. And honestly, I think her time was well-spent. She devoted her life to God and to others, and she radiated joy and confidence, even without a perfect body.
I think what we often forget is that having a perfect body takes a LOT–and I mean a LOT–of work. Some people will choose to do that work. Some people will say, I can’t do it. I honestly don’t have the time. And I honestly think that’s okay.
The problem is that we make that decision–I honestly don’t have the time–but we still feel guilty for it.
Let’s stop that! I am here to proudly say that I have tried, off and on, to go to the gym regularly, and I have realized I never will. I don’t have it in me. And so I am rejoicing that I know that about myself, and I am concentrating on the things that I do feel that God has called me to do.
Will you do the same thing? Sure, maybe some of us can jog for an hour everyday. That’s wonderful. But if you’ve decided you can’t, that’s okay. It really is.
Now, embrace that decision, and start thinking of what you are doing instead. And realize that you do not have to live your life by other people’s standards. Go to God, set your own, and then be at peace with it. Embrace what you have. It really is okay. And don’t condemn yourself–and your husband–to a life of guilt and little joy because you feel like you don’t measure up to what’s on a magazine.
It’s time for this to stop. Let’s take joy in ourselves, and our bodies, once again! As Julie Sibert said on her guest post that day, sexy is as sexy does. Good advice. Now go out and DO sexy, don’t wait to BE sexy!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
So timely! I was looking at pictures from vacation last night and really letting this kind of thing get to me. It’s hard not to do, even when we know it’s wrong.
I can do this! Sometimes I find it hard because my husband sees so many scantily dressed or nude women between what is displayed, walking around, shared at work, or in movies. How the heck can I compare? I can’t! I am unique. I have my own strengths and weaknesses, just like every other woman out there. I admit that I am disappointed in my breasts because they are small and I know hubby likes a fuller bust line. He goes nuts when I am pregnant or breast feeding because of the big toys hanging off my chest. When they shrink, they don’t get as much attention. But, I do love:
1 my lips….full. hubby stares at them longingly before he kisses me.
2. My waistline waist to hip ratio. Move over Marilyn and Mae West! Dangerous curves ahead. Hubby loves carressing his hands over my curvy hourglass.
3. My legs….they are a little shorter than I’d prefer, but they are shapely.
4. I have cute, little feet.
5. My eyes. They are like holograms and the color changes depending on what I wear.
I do have hang ups about my body, especially since I gave birth recently. My belly is still poochy and the skin is loose. Hubby doesn’t care. He rips my nightgown off of me and admires what he sees. His woman. I would feel better if he wasn’t so exposed to other women, though.
My husband explained to me once that men think like that – he doesn’t see all my “flaws”, he just sees his wife. 🙂 That sure did make me less self-conscious after having my first baby.
Katie & Melissa: For what it’s worth, here’s a second (or a third) for what your husbands have told you. They really do love your bodies, and they really aren’t all that concerned about some extra pounds. When I was married, my wife (mother of 4 in her mid- to late-40’s) put on maybe 20-30 pounds more than she had carried in her late 30’s/early 40’s. Later, she lost most or all of it and was very happy to have it off. Honestly, that was the first I realized she’d put it on, and the first I really understood how much that extra weight had bothered her. It didn’t matter one bit to me — I was just as enamored of her body before, during, and after the extra weight was there, and didn’t even really notice it. It just wasn’t important. Maybe there are some guys who are immature enough to care, and maybe it would make a difference if we were talking about morbid obesity, but 20-30 pounds is quite a bit, relatively speaking, and it really didn’t matter. What WILL matter is if you become less available to him because of your body image issues, so be careful not to let that happen.
One other thing: I think you can worry less about the other women he sees — real women or models/advertisements/magazine covers, etc. If he sees a woman wearing something attractive (or skimpy), he’s not thinking that he wishes he could be with HER; instead, if anything, he’s wishing he could see YOU in that. He really is consumed with you, if you’ll let him be.
Ugh, this is hard after having three babies, especially via c-section with that lovely scar…
But I know it really bothers my husband when he tells me he thinks I look good, and I wrinkle my nose and make some sort of comment about some aspect of my body that I dislike. He has told me that when I don’t believe him when he compliments me, he feels like I think he’s lying and that hurts. I’ve realized that I need to stop making those comments, but also that I need to start believing him. If he tells me I look good, then I look good, end of story.
I do exercise on a regular basis…it actually makes me feel more confident and my husband really appreciates it, since he values fitness as well. But I refuse to get obsessed about diet…I eat fairly healthy, but I think diets become an idol to lots of people. It’s really annoying to be around people who can’t put a bite of food in their mouths without commenting about what it’s going to do to their figure and how much work they’ll have to do at the gym to make up for it. RELAX!!!! God made food!!! Don’t be a glutton, and don’t binge on unhealthy foods, but enjoy it and keep a reasonable balance.
That scar is a beautiful “zipper”! I had three c-sections too, and am grateful for 3 healthy children! The babies followed two surgeries, which is how my vertical “zipper” came to be. Our scars are reminders of our miracles. It is amazing what our bodies can produce and how they heal.
I thought I had posted this but maybe it didn’t go through. If it posts twice, then I’m sorry.
A little while ago, our pastor mentioned that our standard of beauty is whatever our spouse looks like. For example, if your spouse is 20 and skinny, then you are “into” 20 and skinny. When your spouse is 40 and not so skinny anymore, then you are “into” 40 and formerly skinny.
I think this can be turned around and applied to our self-image. I am whatever my hubby thinks I am. If my hubby thinks I’m sexy, then I am sexy. How freeing that is to truly believe that!
Do you go to Mars Hill? I just watched that sermon online!
No, I think our pastor “borrowed” some of it. LOL
So true–but here’s a conundrum I know many readers have. What if you fear that your husband DOESN’T find you sexy? I’ll have to work on a good answer to that one!
I think if it is just fear that he doesn’t find us sexy, we need to listen to the men who posted answers on this blog. If we know that he doesn’t find us sexy, then I think there are bigger relationship issues that need to be tackled first. JMHO
Oh, and when it really comes down to it. It really only matters that our Lord and Savior finds us absolutely to die for beautiful.
Absolutely! So true. But it’s still difficult for women who worry that their husbands don’t find them attractive. So I’ll just reiterate: sexy is as sexy does. YOU feel confident. YOU find your worth in God. YOU rejoice in your body–and chances are your spouse will follow your lead here!
I think what those husbands are trying to reinforce is that it’s not so much the /implementation/ of anatomical attributes, as it is the sheer anatomical /differences themselves/ that matter most to them. Also, the attractiveness of a woman’s character and demeanor should never be underestimated: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion.” Proverbs 11:22 (NIV 1984)
A number of years ago, we were a part of a group at church for young married couples to strengthen their marriages. We’d work through marriage books and books of the Bible as a large group and then split into guys and girls for more discussion. Anyhow, one week (during the small group time), each husband made a list for his wife of ten things he found attractive about her. They could be anything. The list my husband made for me ranged from the way I treat him to my boobs. I have to say, that list has meant so much to me over the years. It has been hanging on my mirror since the night he gave it to me and I read it nearly every day. What a simple way for a husband to bless his wife.
Years ago, my female leader on a missions trip had me pray over my entire body – out loud – from the top of my head to the tips of my toes and thank God for each and every part. Try it sometime. 🙂
I’m going to take your challenge, in fact I’m going to do it right this very second!
1. My hands. I have very pretty hands, and I take good care of them. If my nails aren’t painted they’re at least nicely trimmed and filed.
2. My legs, specifically my calves. Drives my husband crazy when I wear a skirt or shorts.
3. My upper arms. Hauling around a 40 pound 2 year old keeps them in shape!
4. My stomach. Yes, I’ve had two babies and I have stretch marks and saggy skin, but I have strong abs that I worked hard for and I’m going to appreciate them.
5. My feet. I love having pedicured toes and wearing cute shoes to show them off.
There! I feel super happy now. 🙂
Way to go, Melissa! I like that idea about praying over your body, too!
If I could gift my wife with any sudden insight, it would be to just see how she looks through my eyes, for just a moment. If she really got that, it would be a liberation.
That’s beautiful, David.
Yep, I’ve told my wife many times that if she could see herself through my eyes for just a minute, any doubts she has about her beauty would be gone.
Ladies, your husband loves you, not the airbrushed super models in Vanity Fair or Cosmo, so back away from the magazine rack while repeating the following: the sexiest thing about me is not my breasts, my butt, or my waist size, it is my attitude and the confidence I display toward my husband everyday.
In other words ladies, be bold and be confident.
Be that type of woman and I guarantee you and your husband will be busy having so much fun together, you won’t have time to notice or care about your physical flaws….flaws your husband doesn’t notice or care about anyway.
Mark, a brotherly high five to you! Great words. And Sheila, thank you. (shucks)
Husbands need to let their wives know they are sexy too. I often feel discouraged about my body. I’m getting older. I have some physical problems that cause me to not be able to do strenuous exercise. But my husband lets me know all the time that I am sexy to him and that I turn him on. I do the same for him. He’s always struggled with his weight, but I tell him all the time how good looking he is to me and much I like his muscles and things like that.
We need to encourage each other in this way as husbands and wives.
I especially appreciate this sentence:
“And don’t condemn yourself–and your husband–to a life of guilt and little joy because you feel like you don’t measure up to what’s on a magazine.”
In the past 12 months, I’ve had a similar ongoing discussion with our 11-year-old daughter. After attending a Dannah Gresh event with her, we realized just how much photoshopping and airbrushing goes into those magazine images! Seeing the true image compared to the touched-up (and sometimes completely re-done!) image was amazingly liberating for us both. Most magazine models don’t look anything like their own magazine images! If they cannot live up to those impossibly high standards, how can the rest of us?! What is shown in a magazine is far from reality.
Thank you for another reminder to appreciate what God has created in us. If He thinks we are worthy to be created by Him, we should definitely be able to find something beautiful in that creation!
Blessings to you and your readers!
Carrie
My husband’s Photoshop skills (he’s an amateur photographer and an IT guru) really opened my eyes to how much digital alteration goes on in ads. I look at them differently now. The ones I always had the hardest time with were the ones focusing on clear skin, because I’ve struggled with acne for most of my life and am super insecure about my face. But all those models in the ads for anti-acne products? Are airbrushed. I used to look at them and get upset and think “My skin will never look like that!” but now I think “Their skin doesn’t look like that – that’s digital skin” and I just feel disgusted at the deception that goes on.
WOW, Sheila. I had no idea how much conversation that little blog post of mine was going to start! And of course, it was all inspired by that challenge of naming five things about my body that I liked. Quite honestly, I always thought I had pretty good self-esteem. I’m an extrovert who has been blessed in many ways and like other women, I had a short list of things I didn’t like about my body (especially after the kids came along), but it wasn’t until this challenge that I realized that my “short” list wasn’t as short as I thought it was. And if I was struggling with unrealized self-esteem issues when I thought I was okay, then many, many women out there must really be struggling. More than I even realized. And from the numbers of readers I had on that post and the lack of responses to the challenge, it looks like that’s the case.
I’m 100% with you. I want women to accept themselves for the body GOD has created for them– we need to take care of it, and part of that, for me, is loving the hips that have gotten wider (they brought me two kids) and the few extra pounds I don’t have time to work off (I’m being blessed with writing quite a lot) and the aging skin (wisdom and maturity come with age) and on and on and on.
My love for my kids goes beyond any of their imperfections. God loves me that way. My Savior loves me enough that he died for me, no matter what I look like, or heck, even act like, on my worst day. Makeup or not, I’m perfect in his sight. (Didn’t we learn that via song in nursery school?)
Thanks, Sheila, for the way you encourage women on your blog. I love it. I love the challenges for my marriage, and I’m so grateful that I’m married to a man who calls me beautiful every.single.day. And he’s never slow to show me that he means it. I feel beautiful with him. I feel beautiful when I look in the mirror because I’ve accepted that there are things I can change and things that I can’t. And to me, my spiritual self, including how I am as a follower of Christ, wife, mother, daughter, sibling, friend, and how I’m using the talents God has given me far outweigh any little imperfections that I find in my physical self.
Thanks for featuring me today. And by the way, since reading your post those months ago, I’ve come up with a list of things I don’t just like about my body, but that I love–because they make me ME. 🙂
Pregnancy, my 3 c-sections, and nursing have been HARD on my body. I’ve also weighed everything from 180 to 300 pounds in my adult life, so there are certainly lasting marks from all of that weight coming on and off. I asked my husband about me getting a tummy tuck someday, and he said he likes my c-section scar too much to do that. He loves my body because it made him his children – scars, stretch marks, flab, and all. Even though I don’t really ‘get it,’ and often have a hard time even believing him, I can tell he really does love all of that mess because of the way he looks at me. I think he’s crazy, but I’m thankful for the craziness!
It would be very hard for me to think of 5 things right now.
Oh, and one more thought. I have some resentment for my body that goes even deeper, although I logically know that resenting my body is not constructive. I really wanted to have natural births and wasn’t able to, which took me a while to stop feeling sad about. I don’t feel sad about that much anymore, but now we can’t have more kids because my body is so torn up inside from my c-sections. We’re pretty heartbroken about it because we would both really love to have another baby, but my doctor said it is simply too dangerous.
I could have written this post. I am allowed to have one more c-section but that is it. I have always wanted 4 kids, but with 2 and one miscarriage I am thinking my next pregnacy will be my last and I am very upset by it. I really want to like what I see in the mirror. I honestly wished I could say my husband does find me sexy, but I have no clue. He called me beautiful once in the last year. Other than that he only comments on my looks if I ask him if I look ok. I can just say it hurts.
I feel for you. My husband would have liked another and stopping at three was not an easy decision. However, for me, three babies are my three miracles. Yes, three c-sections after 2 major surgeries and one laporoscopy due to severe endometriosis, plus medication treatment, made that enough!
We had applied to adopt when we first received my diagnosis as the endometriosis was so extreme and the outcome wasn’t known. When we gave up the adoption due to my pregnancy, it felt like a loss as we had been “expecting” the adopted baby. At that time, we didn’t know if we would be blessed with another child, so applied again to adopt. And then we had two more children.
Fostering and adoption have always been in my heart, but circumstances made those options out of the question for us. I do know, however, that my babies each came as new little strangers. At first sight of my first baby it was so clear to me that the emotion would have been the same had he been adopted!
We are already praying about the possibility of adoption at some point. We’ll see where God takes us with that. Adoption has always been in my heart, too, so I’m excited to see what His plan is. We haven’t made any final decisions at this point, since my daughter is only 5 months old and it’s all sort of new information, but we’re just praying that we’ll be open to whatever He brings us.
Thank you for your comment. 🙂
Family is exciting, however God brings us together! We do experience disappointments, but it is so good to know that God loves to give to us and bless us! Enjoy your little ones and your special journey! I have felt so blessed to know that God chose me to be the mother to my children. And of course, that meant, wife to my husband first.
You are gonna put me out of business!! 🙂
HA!
Wonderful post Sheila!! There is a lot about my body I love and I am thankful I can say that! My husband has told me I am beautiful everyday for 5 years(even the 2 times he has been deployed). I just don’t even think about it anymore. If at anytime I feel like I am lacking I try to think why? I am not looking for a husband, so besides him, who exactly am I worried about seeing me and what I think looks bad? I take care of myself for my benefit and his. I don’t need to care about what the rest of the world is thinking.
I recall that challenge. I was able to rattle off five things in my head rather quickly. Is that because I’m gorgeous? Absolutely not!!! I haven’t posted a pic of myself, but believe me, I can easily rattle off 5+ flaws. However, I have through the years worked at making peace with much of my appearance by paying attention to what I do like and honing in on those things.
Training yourself to look for the good really can change how you see yourself in the long run. Great reminder, Sheila, to think of how God has blessed us and to be grateful for those things.
Sheila,
Thank you for this post today. I needed it. I’ve been struggling with this very issue lately. It sounds so silly when I say it aloud, but having given birth to my second child two months ago, my body is not at all the same as it was. Of course I know that every mother has been through this, and I’m grateful to know that it’s only temporary, but it’s still hard to ‘get used’ to the body that I now have. Favorite pieces of clothing not fitting when you really want to wear something nice to go out with your husband, or not being able to wear your favorite dress because it’s not breast-feeding-friendly can be so disappointing!! (Plus, all the hormones still racing around in my body don’t help me to not get emotional about it either! haha 🙂
Anyway, needless to say, I appreciate your encouragement. The above scenarios happened just a few weeks ago, and I ended up in tears, BUT, I was grateful that the Holy Spirit gently spoke to me while the tears flowed. He reminded me NOT to give in to Satan’s lies that I’m not beautiful, or attractive to my husband, or that I can’t measure up to the models on the magazines (who are nearly ALWAYS air-brushed, and maybe even malnourished…). I’m beautiful because God made me, I can be attractive because of what radiates from inside me (and conversely I can also be quite unattractive if I let my flesh take over…!), and I exceed those models on the magazine because I am flesh and blood that can flirt, play, enjoy and give and receive pleasure with my husband! 🙂
Thank you for the reminder that it’s okay if I don’t have time to exercise. Even though I want to, I truly don’t have time right now. Having a two month old and a two year old, I have lots of time that is spent serving and loving my family, but not much time for myself. Thank you for reminding me, through the example of the sweet Sister that you mentioned, that my time can be spent in Kingdom-focused ways, and right now, that means ministering to my children and my husband.
Thanks! Your post was a blessing. (Sorry if my thoughts are a little scattered at the moment… that’s what my life seems to be right now… 🙂
Such a very good post to read. I must admit that I used to feel badly about my body especially now that I was pregnant and I feel truly bad what will be my figure after pregnancy but as I read this post it enlightens me up and thanks a lot for the advice and some tips that you have shared here.
After my 4th child, I was better able to embrace my post partum figure. Just days after giving birth, I stripped naked in front of hubby. Sure my belly was poochy and skin loose and over all I had gained a bit of weight, but I still had my curvy hips and backside, shapely legs, and of course the HUGE post partum chest. Hubby wasn’t put off at all and in fact a little upset that all that was before him and he couldn’t attack it because of the post partum recovery.
Embrace your body pregnant, post partum, and recovered. Embrace the changes in your womanly curves and realize that all this is part of the beauty of femininity.
It’s hard when your husband’s idea of foreplay is pointing out all your body flaws.
Exactly! Sorry you are going through this, too.
Oh my goodness. This is just what I needed to read tonight. I just had this exact conversation with my husband because I constantly judge myself. Thanks for the encouraging words!
I think this cartoon says it for me: http://everydaypeoplecartoons.com/cartoon-topic/body-and-mind
It was really great to read this post! I am like you in that I have discovered that I will never be one of those people who can work out for hours every week. Sure there are things about my body that I’d love to change, but I recently decided that I am overall okay with how my body looks. I want to eat healthy foods and exercise…occasionally…. 😉 in order to be healthy, but it’s not worth killing myself over.
I am getting married in January and my fiancé has been wonderful! He knows that sometimes I am down on myself and how I look, but he always assures me that he loves me for all of me and a) doesn’t agree with my negative assessment of myself and b) doesn’t care if I’m not a supermodel. What a great guy, right? =)
Anyway, thank you for posting this! It will help encourage and remind me to be content with who I am and not go crazy trying to change myself.
P.S. I bought you Good Girl’s book and I cant wait to read it! I know that it will answer a lot of questions and get my soon-to-be-hubby and I ready to enjoy all that God give us in marriage!
I remember that former post. And I struggled to think of one thing I liked about my body – let alone five. I’ve struggled with self-esteem issues most of my life but as I’ve become older (I’m 47) and have seen the effects of age on my body and hair and skin, it’s become even harder to accept myself. It seems that everyone else my age looks fantastic except for me. I must admit that it’s not made easier by my sons insisting on marrying gorgeous girls. How dare they! lol At the moment my challenge is to believe my husband who says I’m beautiful and sexy or listen to all those other voices (media, society, and sadly, even some well-meaning friends) that make me feel inferior and worthless.
5’9″
240lbs
Strong, soft, curvy, great hair, pretty face, well proportioned, nice feet, cute ears, eyes, nose, lips, eyebrows, long neck, killer smile.
When I look in the mirror I see the positive, take note of the unhealthy, but try to see the negative through God’s eyes.
The previous post mentioned told us to stop worrying about our bodies because our husbands loved us how we are. But that isn’t true. I am not his standard of beauty, we still have a good love life, and he is sweet and attentive, but looking at my body does not turn him on. That makes me sad. With three very young kids and tons of stress and no time, I am losing the battle with my weight. There are things I love, but I feel a bit pushed aside when the answer is to trust our husbands telling us we are beautiful.
How do you handle it when your husband simply doesn’t find you attractive from the neck down? We’ve been married for 17 years and for 15 of it, I’ve not been good enough….in any aspect, especially with regard to how my body looks. I am not overweight, but I was for a couple of years on top the two times I was pregnant when I gained over 50 pounds each time. The tiniest amount of weight gain – even less than 5 pounds – and he turns his nose up when he sees me naked (or I don’t have to be naked, he still notices). He always makes comments about what I’m eating but also makes fun of me when I try to buy healthier foods for the family. He wants me to act sexy and show him that I want him sexually, but it’s very hard to do when I feel so unsexy by his comments. He is vey ‘handsy’ to me which is nice sometimes, but other times it’s annoying. I try not to show it and to remember that God gave him to me and this is his way of showing love, but it can be pretty contradictory. I just need help! Right now we are in the middle of moving across the country (actually just received our household goods in the new house on Saturday) and he is extremely upset that I haven’t made exercise a larger priority in the past week or so – he understands the couple weeks before the move dealing with the packing, etc. I am exhausted! Not really physically, but emotionally. I tried to tell him nicely but he just doesn’t get what he is saying to me is hurtful and counter-productive to what he wants – a flat belly and perky boobs – neither of which will likely be obtained without surgery at this point. And while he isn’t overweight by any means, he is definitely not in shape. I don’t remember the last time he exercised or paid close attention to what he was eating. I’m very frustrated! And the hard part is that I WANT to get into better shape and to eat better. I want to so badly…even for myself, but my resentfulness toward my husband has made it difficult. I try to refocus my thoughts and feelings towards what God wants for me, but I can’t seem to see myself that way.
I’m sorry for such a long and depressing post! Every time I see an article about how women constantly put themselves down, I get sad and start feeling sorry for myself.
Oh, Sheila, that is so, so difficult. I guess the one piece of advice I’d have, and I’m afraid I give this one so frequently that people will think I’m a broken record, is just to really work on your friendship. Find things to do together. Laugh together. Take up a hobby together. I know that’s hard when you’re moving, but maybe in a way that’s a good thing because you can get a fresh start.
I think when we become close friends again it’s easier to say, “when you’re reminding me to exercise, or you make derogatory comments about my body, I feel very rejected.” Or “When you say things like that it makes me not want to make love to you.”
And maybe you can talk about how sex is supposed to be something that’s intimate, not just something that’s about a size 4 body.
And if your husband just doesn’t get it, I’d really recommend sitting down with a third party, like a mentor couple, and talking this through, because this is important.
No matter what, though, remember that God did give you this body. And if it’s got curves it didn’t have before you had kids, that really is okay. That’s how God made us! And if He says your beautiful, and He loves you, you need to believe Him.
I am having this same issue with my husband and it is really becoming hurtful. I just had my first baby in December and he was a c-section so I initially lost weight very quickly (actually, I was back to my pre-preg WEIGHT at about 2 months). However, that tiny pouch just doesnt go away! The thing is, I’m a size 4 and weigh about 120lbs. Everyone around me is always saying “oh wow you lost that baby weight fast” and “oh i hate how thin you are after a baby” and all I can think is — my husband doesnt think so. pre-baby I always had a very flat stomach — just the way i was built, and he really loved that. I dont think he was prepared for how I would change. I am nursing and have had supply issues, so I really cant excessively dient right now, but even if I could I dont think I could get rid of that little extra skin from baby. he has admitted to me that he doesnt like it and I just CANT get over that in the bedroom and get “in the mood”. It has extended to him questioning food choices and activity/excercise, that just makes me feel awful. I have some past issues with borderline eating disorders that hubby has REALLY helped me overcome in the beginning of our marriage. Before I got pregnant I was finally feeling like I liked my body; finally feeling like HE liked me for who I was and how I looked. I just dont know what to do because I have told him all this and told him how it makes me feel. But it doesnt seem to change. Please help — I know how important this is and I am truly at a loss!
Kate, I think you’re on the right track in talking to him about it. Tell him how he helped you so much overcome eating disorders, and ask him if he is trying to start you on a new one? Maybe that will make him see.
Honestly, there really isn’t much you can do about that little bit of skin. Your body ISN’T the same, and we shouldn’t expect it to be. I think just talking openly with your husband, and telling him that sex is supposed to be about how intimate and close you can feel, too, is probably the route to go, along with a lot of prayer. I’m really sorry you’re hurting this way. I wish some guys could read this and see how much they’re hurting their wives!
I’ve been checking your blog for a while now, (and I’ve read “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex”…thanks for writing that one!) and I’ve got to thank you for posts like this one. It is so easy to start seeing yourself through the world’s filter, but your words challenged me to think about how God sees me, and what He calls beautiful. I gave you a shout out on my blog today, and I certainly hope that my friends will check this article out and be blessed just as I was. Thank you for the blessing of your words!
So, I almost didn’t leave a comment, because my most recent blog post is about what my husband and I are doing to lose weight. I did not lose weight the last time or this go round because I hated the way I looked. I mean, sure, there are parts of myself I do not like. However, my biggest focus has always been on health. Since my husband has heart issues that run in his family, I worry about him putting on weight and having an unhealthy body.
I really do hate what society is doing to women. I have been saving up all these things I’m reading so I can address the issue soon. Until I know exactly what I have to say, I won’t blog it. I do have a lot to say though.
Thank you for the suggestion about naming positive attributes of our bodies, sounds helpful. However, when I thought about physical attributes I could only name two: my feet and teeth. Then I got thinking outside what I (and others) can see and thought about what my body an DO or FEEL. This helped because then I became a living creature not an object to see and respond (or not) to on aesthetic / sexual terms.
I struggle daily with comparisons, fear, failure and body shame only within my marriage. Why? Because it is in that space that I am seen as sexual and am the person to provide some level of pleasure for my husband. After learning about the importance of sex and a pleasing appearance to men as well as their visual wiring for women with a sexy body and a wife’s role in helping her husband resist temptation by being his visual feast (thanks to several popular christian writers and shows) now the pressure is on! Well I did what they suggested, watch my husband to see what he notices so I can see how he is wired…well that was a game changer for me. Now I know his types and they are not like me (and I’m fit and healthy). What’s a woman to do with knowing her butt shape, legs, short waist and most other things are not ‘it’ regardless of health? Be discouraged? You bet. Feel embarrassed to be seen and ashamed? Yup. Retreat from gut wrenching shame within intimacy? Yes, that too.
Do his reassuring words help? No, it’s incongruent with what I’ve seen. A self professed butt man, I now know which butts qualify so there’s no confidence to disrobe now.
What’s a woman to do???
Here’s my plan. Remember being a child. What it felt like when no one commented, when my body was not for another. How free that felt to swim, run, play, dance and go about life without an audience or any judgement on my body. Savour and remember that feeling. Note from that space what I’m good at, what I enjoy, what activities and the environment feels like. It is from this space that The list may be extended.
It is often unhelpful to rely on another to validate your body, as many women hang I for kind words from their husband to affirm them…what if you know you are not his type? What if his opinion or tastes change? What if a lingering look at another challenges that?
This is why I focus outside my husband for body acceptance and hopefully will have built up an extended list of things I am happy with to buffer me I intimate times.
My list of 5: my smile, my laugh, my strong shoulders for swimming, my skin for absorbing the warm sun rays and my taste buds for enjoying delicious food.
Although my husband has no place in this list now, hopefully this will take me from despair to feeling better generally in other areas of my life. No doubt I’ll then at least be more pleasant to be around generally 🙂
God created the lillies of the field to delight Himself, it only makes sense then to attempt to see ourselves through His eyes, follow Him and set our hearts there.