“I just keep telling her, finish school before you have a baby!” my friend declared. We were talking about our teenage daughters, and she was very worried that one, especially, may find herself pregnant soon.
“And get married,” I added. “Don’t forget marriage!”
But my friend, no matter how much she may genuinely want her girls to marry well, doesn’t actually have faith that they will. You see, she made some mistakes when she was younger, and those actions have changed the course of her life. While she desperately wants her children to choose another path, she’s not confident they will.
When I was researching The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I surveyed 2,000 women. And one thing I learned was that only 40% of women who are now Christian were actually virgins on their wedding night. Most Christian women had not waited.
Thus, most Christian moms of teenage girls didn’t wait, either. And now they’re wondering, how do I encourage my daughter to do what’s right and what’s best if I didn’t do so myself? I needed boys to make me feel special and wanted; likely she will, too. And we become fatalistic, like my friend is.
Or, perhaps we moms go in the other direction, so scared that our kids will mess up that we give them no freedom, in the hopes that they will wait because they won’t have a choice.
We moms need to give ourselves a break and realize two important things:
1. God forgives us for what happened in our past, and sees us as new creations; and
2. Our children will make their own decisions
If we are trying to “make up” for what we did by clamping down on our kids, we could push them away. Or if we feel so much shame for what we did that we transfer that shame on our daughters, they can start to get the message that they are expected to mess up.
How about a new way of looking at it? No matter what you did in the past, those mistakes were yours. But they aren’t anymore. Jesus paid for them, and if we beat ourselves up about it, or beat our children up about it, it’s as if we’re saying that Jesus didn’t do enough. So these mistakes are gone.
But your daughter (or your son) is not a second chance for you to do things right. Your child is simply someone that God has given to you to raise, but who will ultimately make her own decisions. So what should our attitude be? Expect the best. Kids tend to live up to expectations, and while 60% of women did not wait until marriage, 40% did. It is not impossible. And those who do wait also have stronger marriages and better sex lives. It is best for your daughters to wait.
When my girls were 5 and 7, I was enjoying lunch with a mentor and comparing parenting notes. I talked about how wonderful parenting was then, but how I was dreading the teen years. The media portrays the teen years as so horrible, and so I figured they would be. But this man turned to me and said, “The teen years are the best we’ve ever had parenting. We’re having so much fun. They’re interesting now, and wonderful to talk to.”
And so I began to look forward to the teen years. And they have been wonderful! Yes, some kids will make serious mistakes, but God is there to forgive those mistakes, just like He forgives yours. But kids will not necessarily mess up. In fact, there’s no reason to expect that they will. Let your kids know you expect the best, but that you’re always there no matter what they do. After all, that’s what God does with us.
What do you think? Did you have difficult teen years, and do you struggle with what your children will face? Let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am so happy to see this! I have lived this very story for the last 18 years. Our oldest daughter is 18, the teenage years were stormy at times, but wonderful! I may not have saved myself for marriage, I was not taught the special importance of this gift from God. But, I met a wonderful man who taught this to me, who then bought me a Bible and encouraged me to read it. I confessed, and believed and God saved me.
I taught my oldest daughter how wonderful this gift is. WHY it was important for her to save herself. Not just that it was important. She and her friends are all praying for God to send them the perfect husband, together. I think this is beautiful.
There is hope!
A friend of mine is going through the same fears that you’ve described here, Sheila. In the next few months, her daughter will turn 19, and will be heading off to university in another city, far from her hometown. Despite both mom and daughter having strong Christian upbringings, mom is petrified that her daughter will find herself in a similar situation to her own: a pregnant university student, far from the safety of ‘home,’ being ridiculed for the apparent contradiction of her situation. The daughter, who knows what her mom went through before her birth, is also very aware that she is not bound by the decisions her mother made nearly 20 years ago. I can’t imagine being in the mom’s position, and I can definitely understand her fears, but at the same time, her daughter is a wonderful young woman, strong in her faith, and a consistent source of joy for her entire family. That’s what God does, though – turns ‘bad’ situations into incredible opportunities for blessing and joy.
This is so right. Kids tend to rise to the level of their parents’ expectations. Obviously, some kids disappoint their parents. But if parents don’t even have expectations that their kids will do right, how can they even have a goal to work towards? Expecting your kids to mess up is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is especially true in the case of premarital sex when their peers, the media, our society, and their raging hormones are all against them. Teens need parents to set high standards and to believe in them if they are to succeed.
And, yes, it is possible to wait until marriage. Many have done it. My parents always had high expectations for my siblings and I, even though they had a lot of problems in their past…my mom was raped and my dad had been promiscuous before he was saved. They weren’t perfect, but they knew that God’s word was the standard and that God would always give the power to follow His commands to those who asked Him for it. I and two of my brothers are married and we all waited for marriage and have good marriages. I believe this is due in large part to the fact that my parents expected that we would and gave us the understanding of what we were waiting for and why.
Sheila,
I love the encouragement in this post: we are to expect and pray for the best for our teens! We don’t need to be tied to our own pasts – God is starting over with each person every day. Thanks for the uplifting and practical message!
Blessings,
Ann
I love when moms of older kids say that the teen years won’t necessarily be horrible! So often all you hear is that they are absolutely definitely going to be rebellious and you will have a terrible relationship with them. Having LOVED teaching high school, I’m actually kind of looking forward to those years. I’m not so much a little kid person.
I actually found ages 7-11 the most difficult in a lot of ways. My kids fought A LOT. Most of that bickering stopped in the teen years, and now they’re great friends!
YES! Two of my three are now teens and I’m really enjoying it! Sure, there are different challenges, but it’s a good time 😀
And AMEN to high expectations. Our kids are not destined to repeat our mistakes (they’ll make enough of their own ;D ). Our pastor reminded us yesterday that when we wallow in guilt over our sins rather than rejoicing in the forgiveness we have through Jesus, we are denying the gospel. Not a good place to be!
Julie
I don’t have kids yet, but yes it is the teen years that scare me. My best friend here in town has four kids from 2-7, and as crazy and energetic and exhausting as they are, they don’t deter the baby fever I developed a few months into my marriage (my apartment won’t allow pets to curb it). However, my hubby and I are very active with the youth group at church and I keep telling him it’s not the 5 year olds that kill my baby fever, it’s the teens! They’re so loud and crazy (and taller than me, but that’s another matter).
I do fear that my kids will end up like me. Josh and I didn’t have sex before marriage, but we did everything else. And it eats me up inside sometimes. I try to remind myself that I’m forgiven, but it’s still tough from time to time. I had a lot of freedom and my mom trusted me 100%. And really she didn’t have any reason not to. I was a good kid. I’m not sure what happened with me and Josh honestly. It never even crossed my mind to do any of those things until I met the man I knew I would marry and we’d been together for a few years. I just hope my kids don’t make those same mistakes. I always did have a good time with my mom though, and I want to have that same relationship with my kids someday.
I so agree!! I went through rebellion as a teenager, and I thought that I was definitely in for payback when my kids came to be teenagers. These years have been wonderful! We have seriously prayed for our children and tried to train them up in the Lord, and we are enjoying the results so far. I know that we are not done yet, but so far we are loving the teen years.
Sheila, how about a sequel called the Good Girl’s Guide to talking to your kids about sex? Ok, maybe that title is a bit long, but you know what I mean… There is some information out there on this subject, but I find that a lot of it is really preachy (or too liberal).
I’ve actually been thinking about this and am getting ready to pitch it, though I wanted to write it just for girls. Hopefully one day!
Love the saying “if you aim at nothing you are sure to hit it”. Kids need a challenge and something to live up to – what a great way to put purpose in their lives when so many of their peers don’ t have any.
Just entering the teen years, and feel it is crucial to have a good relationship with your kids (good communication, their knowing they can come to you with anything, discussing sex, emotions etc.) will provide a great ground work for those years – it’s not full proof, as each kid makes their own decisions, but think it goes a long way. Teens have so much potential and with so many thinking they will be horrible years you can talk yourself into a self fulfilling prophecy. Can’t wait to be able to keep tieing it back into scripture too – God put high expectations on Moses and and Peter (and may others) and what a great cross over into how we don’t need to be perfect, but rather open to God’s call on our lives to be holy for he is holy (and equip them on how to be able to do that). I look forward to walking hand in hand with God and praying the teenage years will lay a very firm foundation for my kids in many areas of their life.
Great post. I am actually surpised that I am not struggling with this thus far. We have three daughters and our oldest is thirteen. I have very high expectations so far and really do not feel myself applying my past mistakes onto her. I have a tendancy to fail accepting God’s grace and forgiveness so I am puzzled why this part has been so easy. I think because I struggle mainly with myself but not when I look at others. I am currently working on correcting my preception of mtself and how God sees me.
I’m so guilty of freaking out and clamping down on my daughter, when I need to trust her a little bit more. We’ve recently begun giving her much freedom, like biking to the pool, a cell phone, and a few other things we realize we’re a little silly to withhold from a 14 year old. She’s really blossoming with the added responsibility, and freedom.
My husband and I have one very amazing daughter. I have to say I had a lot of concerns when we had a daughter. I was a rebellious, very difficult, negative teen. Yes I am forgiven and my daughter certainly has not had in her life what I had in mine. Thank goodness. I anticipated the worst for awhile in her middle school days. The worst was only in my mind and I did add negatively to our relationship due to all of my negative expectations. We are on the road to a much better relationship. I think I am growing up much more than she is. She was born with an old soul. I have to always be on the lookout for the little jabs satan likes to take, pull myself back view her from Gods eyes. I won’t get started but we do have the most amazing child this side of heaven. I could not get pregnant in our early years of marriage and it was a month after our 19th wedding anniversary that we had her. I know God loves me, there is no explanation otherwise why he would have blessed us with her. Next year is graduation and off to college. It flew by make a point to realize they are with us for just a moment then they are off to start their own lives, enjoy them and don’t take yourselves so seriously.
Great advice as always Sheila. We have a young teen daughter and we so want her to hang on for God’s best for her. We are keeping the lines of communication open and letting her know what we think God’s best looks like.
Great post! I am a daughter of parents who had fears I would make the same “mistakes” they did which put a lot of pressure on me during the teen and early adulthood years. I’m pretty messed up from a lot of the messages that I received growing up and am working hard to not give our daughter those same messages. Thank you for this great advice as I raise my own daughter with high expectations for success in her life in all areas. God Bless