id 10047263 - Do You Have a Mixed Up Marriage Message?

Welcome to today’s radio listeners! You can find The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex here, and here’s my 29 Days to Great Sex! My articles on 50 Shades of Grey can be found here. Feel free to stay and look around a bit, too!

Today’s guest post is from Dr. Ann of The Marriage Checklist.

Did you start off your marriage really knowing which way to go?

If you did, that is great.  You had a wise and wonderful head-start that many people don’t have when starting off.

And I was one of those many people!

My confusion actually started at the proposal.

Here’s what happened:

After just under a year of dating, my then-boyfriend-now-husband proposed to me out of the blue.

His proposal caught me completely off guard.  He started off by saying my name so seriously that I was sure it meant that I was about to be bitten by a huge, stinging insect.  I was not expecting a marriage proposal at all!

Because I was so surprised, there was not much time to process or filter this new information.  Two knee jerk responses popped immediately into my head.

The first was what I call the Passionate Message.  It sounded something like this:  “Go for it!  You know all you need to know, and all you need is love!  Which way to get to the chapel?”

The second was what I call the Practical Message.  To me, it sounded like this: “Stop right there!  How long have you known this person?  You need to carefully weigh the pros and cons – go to the bathroom and stall for time!”

That’s why from the outside, all he could see was a blank,confused look  on my face. I didn’t say anything right away because I was stuck in the middle of these two internal conversations. My husband says it was one of the few times since he’s met me that I was actually at a loss for words.

I was torn between the two messages of the practical marriage and the passionate marriage.

I think the practical view puts too little hope in love.  We were ultimately created for love and relationship, so the practical marriage runs dry.  It falls far short of what our hearts were made for.

Yet the passionate view puts too much hope in love. The chills and thrills of new love inevitably calm down.  And so the passionate marriage struggles under the weight of unrealistic expectations for excitement, fireworks, and non-stop romance.


What’s a bride to do?

Here’s where we can look to what the Bible has to say about marriage.

The Biblical marriage message says that marriage does not exist so that we can geteither our practical or passionate needs met.

Instead, God wants us to first come to Him to get all of our deepest needs met.  Our needs for security, for meaning, and yes, for love.

Once we are filled by Him, we can turn to our spouses looking to fill their lives. God asks us to give of ourselves fully to our spouses: emotionally, physically, fiscally, legally, culturally.   A whole lot of -ally’s.

He wants us to live out, with our spouses, the same kind of love He has for us!

It’s a tall order.

It involves daily work, effort, and purposefulness.

A friend of mine and fellow psychiatrist puts it this way:  “I work to create my marriage every day.”

There are many different ways this plays out, and your marriage will be unique.  That’s the beauty of it.

I’ve found that within my own marriage, the way that I give and fill my spouse’s life changes as the seasons of our lives change.

I am not saying that I have this all nailed down – I most certainly do not!

But knowing what God’s mission is for my marriage makes a big difference in how I approach it.

Not on my own strength, but instead fueled by Christ’s love for me!

It’s a lifelong process and journey, but through God’s grace, every day I am able to take steps forward.

It’s something that everyone has available to them.  It’s something that everyone can do!

QuestionWhat about you? What marriage messages have you heard?  Or which do you find yourself following?


smaller signature1 - Do You Have a Mixed Up Marriage Message?

* * *

The best way we learn is from each other.  You have a unique wisdom and insight that can truly bless others!  So jump in and add your voice.  I love to read what you share.

 Dr. Ann is a Christian M.D., wife to her wonderful husband, and mom to a terrific gang of three.  At The Marriage Checklist Ann blogs about marriage, motherhood, and more!  She is syndicated on Crosswalk.com, and has been featured on BlogHer.comMichaelHyatt.comFox News, and Good Morning America.  

You can read more from Dr. Ann at TheMarriageChecklist.com, on Facebook, or on Twitter.

For the easiest way to get her latest posts, sign-up here and get them sent directly to your email inbox.

Copyright Dr. Ann 2012

(photo credit: FreeDigitalphotos.net)