Every Friday my syndicated column appears in a bunch of newspapers in southeastern Ontario and Saskatchewan. Here’s this week’s on the benefits of young parents–and young grandparents.
My grandparents were 61 and 62 when I was born. My earliest clear memories of them take place after they had already turned 70. One of my grandfathers had suffered a massive stroke. My surviving grandmother was already showing signs of dementia.
My mother, on the other hand, was only 51 when she became a grandmother. My husband’s parents were younger still. And so my children have great relationships with their active and healthy grandparents. Their grandparents baby-sat them, and played with them, and vacationed with them in ways much harder to do when health concerns have already hit—or when that generational gap becomes much wider.
That is not to say that older grandparents cannot be close to their grandchildren; seventy is the new sixty, and people are often living quite healthy and energetic lives far longer than they used to.
But all things being said, I still think it’s easier to become an active grandparent when you’re in your fifties than when you’re in your seventies. Unfortunately, that’s a little outside of your control, since adult children have a habit of living their lives by their own timetable rather than yours, but the fact still remains that spry grandparents can be an awfully big advantage!
In 1976, the average age for becoming a first-time mother in Canada was 23. Today it’s 28.
That means a lot of not-so-spry Grandmas. If your youngest child, for instance, doesn’t start having children until she’s well into her thirties, and then she goes on to have three, chances are you will be well past your seventieth birthday before your last grandchild is born. Many people are now facing the teen years with their kids at the same time as the nursing home years with their parents. Talk about the sandwich generation.
I know not everybody can have a child at 25.
You want to finish school. You want to find a good job. You want to lay up a nest egg. Most of all, you want to find that special someone, and quite often that takes a while. And no one should ever rush to have a child when they don’t really want to.
Yet at the same time I wonder if Mother Nature has a point. We’re ready to have children biologically far sooner than we are socially, emotionally and practically. Personally, I think society would be much better off if we started stressing the benefits of marriage and family far earlier, and started raising teens to take on responsibility at a far younger age, instead of encouraging teens and twenty-somethings to launch a fifteen year quest to “find yourself”. Sure it’s great to have fun and be responsibility-free at 26, but if you have kids younger, you’ll be younger when they leave home, too. And at 46, you have a whole lot more money to have fun with.
Not everyone can be young parents (or young grandparents), but most of us would be better off if we were able to settle down faster and have children sooner.
Our parents could help more. We’d have more energy, and they’d have more energy. And we’d have longer before elderly parents started needing our help. So perhaps we should get back to the days when we prepared kids to be adults at 21. That wasn’t ancient history; it was just a generation ago. That’s what I’m aiming for, because I really want to be a grandparent before my knees give out, and given how lousy my right knee already is, I figure I only have a few decades left.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m guessing you’ll get a variety of responses to this today! I love it, and I agree. Plus, at 46, you get to spend that fun time hanging out with the love of your life! Sounds pretty great to me. We’re blessed that all 5 of our kids grandparents have active, wonderful relationships with our kids. My kids are fairly spaced out, though, and my dad (who has health problems) worries almost daily about my younger son and daughter remembering him. I pray that they get to know him and spend time with him like our older son has!
I missed an important apostrophe – we have 3 kids, so it should read, “All 5 of our (3) kids’ grandparents…”
I was 18 when I realized I just wanted to be a wife and a mom. I was 27 before I met my now Husband, and then we found we just couldn’t get pregnant. I was 33 when my baby was born.
I agree, don’t put it off, children are a blessing, and time continues to pass. I know the Lord had his reasons (letting both me and Hubby mature, likely) for making me wait, but I do believe it was His timing that has put me in the position of “geriatric mother” should I get pregnant again. (I’ll be 35 next week.)
I hope that young married women and men will listen to your message. School can wait, and there will never be a better time than “now” to have kids — same thought, different perspective “it will always be inconvenient to have kids”.
My mom was in her 30s when she had me, but still always told me, “If you wait for the perfect time to have kids…you’ll just keep waiting. There will never be a ‘perfect’ time.”
So true. No time is perfect. Kids are a TON of work. But all things being said, I think it’s easier when you’re younger.
I agree – and I think that’s what my mom was getting at, too. I was 24 when I had our oldest son, and I wouldn’t go back and do it differently, even if I could!
It might be easier physically, but not in many other ways. I am 25 (married 2.5 years) and we are not having children yet because it would not be easier financially, or responsibly. Right now, my husband is working on starting his own business. He works long hours and doesn’t bring home much money. I work two jobs (leaving at 6:30 a.m. and getting home at 7 p.m. three nights a week) and children would NOT be smart for us. We would go into serious debt right now with a child, not to mention never be there for it. I think having children young just so they have young grandparents sounds silly.
My dad was 51 when I was born (and my mom was 21…so I see both sides here). He is now 76. He is in fairly good health, but I know he may not live to see grandkids should something happen. But that goes for anyone. Just because a grandma is 50 doesn’t mean she is guaranteed good health and longevity. One of my grandpa’s suffered from complications from Type I Diabetes and died young (my mom’s dad). Another one had a massive heart attack at 58 (my mom’s step dad).
I would rather make sure a child would be welcomed and rejoiced over in our lives, and right now, it would be more a burden than a blessing.
Brittney, I totally understand your reasoning. And I do think that we need to be responsible and do the best that we can with what we have. If you and your husband really feel it’s the wrong time, then it likely is!
I’d just say: don’t wait too long! It is hard to have babies in your thirties. And running a business is ALWAYS busy. So just keep praying and ask God to show you when the time is right!
Rachael, many people, like you, just didn’t have the choice about having kids earlier, and I sure hope no one took the post to be judgmental in that regard! Glad you didn’t. The problem I have is with people who aren’t interested AT ALL in finding a mate when they’re in their 20s, because they figure they can just “do it later”. I don’t see that attitude among women at church so much, but I do see it in the men. And that’s a little scary.
Does everyone HAVE to find a mate?
Also, I don’t presume you are rushing people into getting married, but, to speak for myself, if I had married the person I was dating at 21 or at 23, I would absolutely have married the wrong person. I am glad I waited until I was 28 to get married. We ended up having our first child a year and a few months later, but she was a surprise. Honestly, I would have preferred to be married for a while longer before having a child. We love her and are so glad she is here, but our marriage did not get the attention a brand-new marriage deserved because a little one came so soon after.
Maybe it is because I am part of this generation, but I don’t see anything wrong with doing things while you are, for the most part, responsibility-free because once you have a baby EVERYTHING changes.
No, I don’t think everyone HAS to find a mate. But most people eventually do want to get married, and if that’s one of the main things that you want in life, then you should make it a priority when you’re at the prime marrying age. A lot of people seem to assume that “I can get married when I want to”, and they forget that by the time you’re 30, the pool is significantly smaller.
I hear what you’re saying about the people you dated when you were younger, and it sounds like you did exactly the right thing. But I do believe that if we raised kids to be more mature faster, more of us would be ready for marriage earlier, you know? And perhaps we would pick right.
Only a couple years ago, we threw my mom a Hawaiian-themed surprise party for her 50th birthday. Her six grandchildren (5 of them mine) were all in attendance. I agree 100% – it has been a HUGE benefit to our family to have a young, healthy, energetic Grandma. In fact, she’s using her vacation time next week to take my kids camping while the hubs and I head off for a getaway to celebrate our anniversary!
I also agree with Rachael wholeheartedly – there’s never a “good time” to have kids. Just do it! 🙂
I have always agreed with the posts on your blog, but I couldn’t disagree with this one more. I am 29 and have been married for 2 years. My husband and I have undergraduate degrees, careers and a hefty nest egg. We are the youngest children in our families, and we are nowhere NEAR ready to have children. We are focusing on our marriage and saving money so that if/when we do have children, we are able to offer them a comfortable lifestyle with parents who have a STRONG marriage. I think it’s mighty selfish of you to wish that your kids would rush into marriage and parenthood so that you’re young when you become a grandmother. What I would like to see is that you wish your children strong foundations in life AND marriage before they bring the challenge of children into their lives.
My parents and my husband’s parents want us to take as much time as we need getting to know each other and laying a strong foundation for our future children BEFORE we bring them into this world. We are thankful for that.
I don’t think the strength of the marriage is dependent on how old a couple is or how long they’ve been married when they have kids. Several of the strongest marriages I know had kids very soon after marriage.
I think Sheila is referring more to the general issue of the fact that we seem to have a whole generation of 20-somethings who are still doing the growing up they should have done as teens, but our society has such an emphasis of “letting kids be kids” that a lot of teens are not using those years to begin learning how to be adults. It sounds like you and your husband are very responsible, goal-oriented adults who spent your 20’s working hard instead of just being “big kids”, for lack of a better phrase. I think that’s the broader point here. It’s a HUGE accomplishment to have degrees, established careers, and a nest egg before the age of 30. Nobody is diminishing that. 🙂
That makes more sense – the initial impression the post gave me was one of selfishness. I don’t disagree that many 20-somethings these days have it “all wrong,” but I think it’s important not to generalize too much. Many of us are out there working very hard to provide stability for our future children, and to be able to teach them life lessons so they can be balanced, successful, contributing members of society one day. Thanks for the clarification! 🙂
Not that I want to criticize your choices at all… But kids do not really need all the ‘comfort’ we might think they need. The first years are pretty simple, really. And you can find hand me downs and second hand items and if you breastfeed…No need for big nest egg.
God calls children a heritage and a blessing and there is even a promise in the Bible that the children of righteous man will not go hungry. Luxury is not NEEDED, even though you might WANT it. Kids are fine in a smaller house, fine without two cars, fine without brand toys and clothes!
And I think no new parent is ready to parent their first child. It is one of those things that is impossible to learn without actually doing it. Lots of people in their 20’s are mature enough to be parents…And lots of people in their 40’s are still pretty immature. God will give wisdom for those who ask for it!
So do not let fear drive your decisions…children are wonderful!
And it is common sense that the fertility of women is going down after 25 years of age. It is just a biological fact.
I see what you’re saying…my husband and I waited 4 years before we had our first kid and I’m glad we did. We started our marriage with issues that should have caused us to reconsider getting married in the first place, but you know, no one could tell us that. Anyway…our philosophy was we wanted to have a strong marriage as well and be financially stable since I was planning on staying home with the kids. But the thing is that you could get to that great and awesome place where your marriage is strong and you have that comfortable nest egg only to have a major crisis later in life after you have kids. There really aren’t any guarantees. Plus, having kids does change the dynamic of your marriage and make it harder to keep it a priority (although it’s absolutely possible…just takes lots more work.)
Wether selfish or not, and I do not want to scare you right now.
You truly are never ready for kids, maybe financial wise but never emotuonally or in common with your spouse. It does not matter how long you have been dating, enjoyed married life and your carreer, bc as soon as even pregnancy hits but latest when this little bundle if joy arrives in this world, your world will be upside down. You will change into a,mom and so will your spouse. You have to get to know each other as mom and dad and deal with problems, fears and attitudes you never have experienced before on yourself or your spouse!
It doesn’t matter maybe a but, how much time you had for your basis, bc this baby will let a new eara begin!
Pray for you and your family!
Oh and I am a mother of 3, the youngest a 16 week early preemy, kids make life uncomfortable and yet sooooo worth, no money or other career could ever.give me!
You aren’t scaring me. Most of my siblings and friends already have children, which is why kids are not on our radar just yet. We aren’t even sure we want them after hearing time and time again, “I love my kids, BUT…” To me, it often sounds like children are more trouble than they’re worth. To date, we have 7 wonderful nieces and nephews that we can love…and send home.
My brother and sister in law felt the same way about having kids. All they ever heard was that “I love my kids, BUT…” and then a list of how stressful it was would follow. Eventually they met a family who really genuinely enjoyed their kids and they had two girls. I know that family and both parents and kids (who are now high schoolers) still enjoy each other. Parenting is hard and it makes my head hurt lots of times. But then again, marriage does too. I love my husband and he’s my buddy, but…marriage is hard. We parents give ourselves a pass to complain about kids in ways that it would be really disrespectful to complain about our spouses, and I think people in your situation, who have kids, sometimes are able to see that sin in ways that parents become blind to. I think I needed to hear you say that to remember I’ve often fallen into the same behavior so I appreciate you pointing that out. Both marriage and parenting bring sin to the surface and form us into an image of Christ, sometimes in painful ways. But even though all that transformation is sometimes hard, we would never want anything different.
Sorry…I mean “people in your situation who *don’t* have kids.”
This is really, really interesting. I never thought of the whole “how does the fact that we complain so much about having kids impact others”? I think that’s worth writing about more!
Honestly, this is one of the primary reasons why we’re doubting having children altogether. Many of our friends/family spend more time complaining about their kids than being positive about them. There are some who are always happy about having kids and are able to find the humor in a lot of the little frustrating situations that come along, although, they are not the norm.
My husband and I have such an amazing relationship, and we don’t want to run the risk of children changing that for the worse. Others have placed the fear in us that this will happen. We have a strong Christian network, and we are sad to hear these types of things from them.
What do we do? How do we overcome the fear and realize that kids really ARE a blessing?
That’s a really good question, Becky. And this is honestly a really interesting line of thought.
I guess what I’d say is this: It is a whole lot easier to be childless in your 20s and 30s than it is in your 70s and 80s. There is a point where you just plain need children. And grandchildren are a ton of fun! Sure your lives are easy now, but they will be again once your children are grown. And there really is nothing like babies to bring a smile to your face.
I’ve talked to a lot of people in their late 30s who are glad they’re childless. I haven’t talked to many in their late 60s who are glad they are. At some point you have to say, in the grand scheme of things, what do I want my whole life to be about? How can I leave the best legacy? And I think, unless God calls you to something else specifically, for most of us that means kids.
Honestly, my teen girls are the absolute most fun. I have a riot with their friends. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And I’m 42, and they’ll be out of the house completely in 3 years. 45 is pretty young to be able to live the high life again with my husband! So it’s not like your life is over at all. A new phase is just beginning, and while it’s busy, it can be awfully fun, and very, very rewarding.
I certainly hear your perspective, and perhaps in time, our minds will change and we will feel called to be parents. With much prayer, discussion and preparation, we will know if/when the time is right.
Thank you for your blog, by the way. I read it daily, and it is such an inspiration to me!
I promise I’m not trying to convince you that you *should* have kids. 🙂 Just have to say though: don’t listen to all the doom and gloom from everyone about how your marriage is going to take a nosedive into horribleness if you have kids. We have three boys (ages 4,3, and 7 months). Everyone told us our marriage would suffer after the first baby was born (while I was pregnant…thanks) so we were both worried about it and then he was born and…we still had an awesome relationship. Then we got pregnant with our second son (the “shock baby”) and everyone said, “Oh you were fine with your first? The second will do you in.” And…we still had an awesome relationship. I was convinced that the third baby would do us in and nope…still love him and still think he’s awesome and he’s still my best friend. I think it really all depends on your attitude towards your relationship in general. If it’s a strong priority before kids, it can be a strong priority after kids. I think it’s the same thing about any aspect of your life. People told me I would never have time to take a shower, read a book, exercise, have friends, wear makeup, whatever…they were wrong. I still do all those things. I’m convinced that many of those people who struggled in their marriages after having kids had issues LONG before the kids arrived. It really had nothing to do with the kids.
This has all been very helpful information, and such a delightful dialogue. Thank you to everyone who offered her perspective. It’s great to hear, and wonderful that we can all “chat” peacefully.
I’d agree–though I did give up earrings for a time because the babies used to yank them. 🙂
I also think you just have to trust God. He said that children are a blessing and an inheritance. I don’t say that in a snotty way, just that I would choose to trust God over people who may just need to vent about a bad day. Kids are wonderful. The bad days happen, but they’re so worth it.
As far as the relationship changing with kids – sure, there is an adjustment period, but I can honestly say that my husband and I are more in love now (our third is 5 months old) than we’ve ever been. We live paycheck to paycheck, but God has always provided generously, and I wouldn’t change a single second about our lives. It’s such an amazing blessing to look at your sweet baby lying in bed between you looking a little bit like each one of you and knowing that your love created that perfect little human…I just don’t think anything could be better than that!
I think there is merit to waiting, I just certainly don’t think it’s the only ‘right’ way. For us, having kids young has been wonderful. Money is tight, but my kids don’t know that (even my 6-year-old), and they don’t care about the stuff – they just want us. If that makes any sense.
I was 18 and my husband was 19 when we got married. Yes, we were young but we were much more mature than 90% of teenagers today. All 3 of our little ones were surprises. We had not been married quite 2 years when the first one got here, and our last one (with one in the middle) got here not quite 3.5 years later. My youngest is now 7 and I got my tubes tied when he was born. As far as the relationship between me and my hubby, I can honestly say we have gotten closer and closer every year. There are some days-not everyday, mind you (we’re still humans)- that I feel like my life is a romance novel (Christian, of course). He’s my buddy, my sweetheart, and my lover. Since this blog talks a lot about sex, I think I can safely say that kids have never and still do not affect our sex life, either. It’s still going as strong if not stronger than it was when we got married almost 13 years ago. 😉 I said all that to say that even though we’ve had kids for close to 11 years now, my husband and I wish often that we could have more. Becky, I’m so very sorry that people have complained about their children to the point that you are questioning your desire to be a parent, but please don’t let their problems steal your chance to experience one of the most amazing, wonderful, beautiful relationships you could ever dream of. I have 11 nieces and nephew and one on the way, and am very close to all of them. Matter of fact, before I had my children, I thought I could never love my own kids more than I love them. BUT when my little ones came along, what I felt for my nieces and nephews did not even begin to compare. You look at this little person and see that it’s part you and part the love of your life, and there are no words to describe the joy and love and pure amazement that you feel. My kiddos are my little friends. They’re my playmates. They take care of me. They pray for me. They love me, no matter what. The only thing I would change about having children is that I would definitely have more. Now, I’m not trying to say that it’s all fun and games. There is discipline and extra cleaning/cooking and laundry and the normal arguing between siblings and did I already mention laundry? 😉 BUT, just like with marriage, the good FAR, FAR, FAR outweighs the bad. Most definitely.
You make a great point about raising teens to take more responsibility when they are younger. As a former high school French teacher, I definitely think teens appear to be way more irresponsible than I remember being required to be. I think it’s also hard for this generation to grow up with a positive view of marriage because of how many marriages are failing. Hence, many of them are either choosing not to get married or instead waiting to have kids because they are afraid their marriage will fail. Nowadays we tell young adults that it is the best thing for your marriage to wait to have kids, but that’s not necessarily true. There really isn’t a formula for when you should have kids; it seems to be a fairly recent mindset that everything in your life must be settled and strong and perfect before you could possibly even think about bringing kids into your life. Really, you could have an awesome marriage and be financially stable, only to have a crisis happen later in life. My husband and I waited until we had been married 4 yrs before we had kids and I’m glad we did. But I also know that now we’re going to be somewhat older grandparents than my parents were (my mom is only 53 and has 6 grandchildren).
I so wish I could have married at a younger age. I worked with BIlly Graham overseas for a year and had a good job at 24 and my dream would have been to be married by 27, but had to wait until I was 34 before God brought me Mr. Right. Having kids at 36 and 38 was not my ideal. The energy level is not the same as a 20 smothing’s but the upside is the life experience you can bring to parenting. Yes, I’ll be an old grandparent (banking on the fact my kids marry) unless my daughter marries young and though I may not have the energy I wish I could have, I am thrilled that I can pour into their lives spiritually. I treasure the memories I have of my son curled up in my dad’s lap as they read a book together and played board games. I saw the impact grandparents can have on kids and the special relationship between them and wish they had more years together. There is much to be said about generations helping and teaching each other and I am in full agreement that kids need to grow up more quickly and not extend adolescence to their late twenties (flip side is how many parents actually enable this…).
Oh yes the big BUT you prob hear from every parent…
BUT
when I think back to the time I had no kids, but were dating, had fun, a career and free weekends, I honestly do not want this time back.
Of course sinetimes you thinj oh how I wish I could send them home just like a niece…but you have these thoughts with your job ir other part in your life you arent happy for a little while.
But kids give you this unselfish and pure and kind love only your child can give!
Kids are a blessing. And a lot of work and yes you have to step back snd put your kids first most of the times, but there are times during the day and evening when you and you and your spouse come first. Its just a lot of organizing but worth it!
There’s also the issue of actually meeting the right person that you feel you could marry (and who would actually want to marry you). I don’t mean to be negative, but unless you attend a Christian college and subsequently get your MR or MRS degree, it seems to be next to impossible to find people of godly character to marry; especially the older you get.
Very good point, Greg. I know a TON of Christians, though, who have met each other through online dating services. I’m beginning to think they’re a very good idea! Personally, I’m encouraging my kids to do everything they can to hang out at places where they will meet a ton of Christian people their age. You really can’t waste your early twenties if you want to marry! (Though I do believe that God can always bring a spouse along when you least expect it. I have a friend who just got married at 40 who thought she’d be single her whole life! And she’s blissfully happy).
Where young people meet their partners is often indicative of the sort of partner they meet. I don’t know about online dating, certainly for this side of the Pond, but meeting in bars or clubs generally means that the boys expect the girls to put out and the girls expect the boys to ‘try it on’ with them, neither of which is what I would call a healthy Christian attitude.
I have heard, and I have seen evidence IRL, that some young men are now using church youth groups as places to pick up young women for sex, and when, on another Christian site I see a woman write that she considers herself a Christian but she would have sex with her partner and cohabitate without marrying, I wonder about the quality of leadership and teaching in some churches. That includes the church I attend, BTW: I would not pretend that it was perfect.
That IS encouraging, and no doubt a huge answer to prayer for her! I consider that a victory for all of us in similar situations. 🙂 (BTW, if she has an unmarried twin sister, don’t hesitate to let me know 🙂 I’ve tried several online dating services, but I suspect God has other plans).
My husband and I both tried online dating services and they didn’t work. : ) But God DOES work in unexpected ways; and when it still looked like there was no one even around that might “fit the bill,” God sent a couple of elderly matchmakers to insist that we meet. And because both of us respected their opinions, my husband flew 800 miles for a long weekend so we could meet. We married exactly a year after the day we first met. I was almost 35 and my husband was 49. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary, and we are tremendously blessed!!! There is hope! : )
Kathi, that’s a wonderful answer to prayer–thanks for sharing your story! I can only imagine that your wedding was a very moving, heartfelt one. I don’t think there are any more thankful people on the planet than older singles whose lost hope for love and intimacy has suddenly been found and restored. I love hearing stories of hope like yours. 🙂 May God continue to richly bless your marriage!
Great article! My husband’s mother was married at 18 and had him at 19. I was only 23 when I had my son so my 2 year old son has a grandma and grandpa in their 40’s! I think it’s great. 🙂
My husband and I are quite young (25 and 23) with 2 kids (2 years and 4 months). Both of our parents are in their early 50s and it is terrific that they are young grandparents. They are always willing to have them over for a night so my husband and I can go out by ourselves (dinner, movie, etc.). This past weekend my brother got married and we were both involved with the wedding, so my husband’s parents had both kids all weekend. They were both tired by the time we picked them up, but we are so thankful they have the time and energy to enjoy their grand kids!
I am attending a wedding tomorrow of a 19 & 20 year old. They are probably more mature Christians than I am, and I 100% support eir decision to get married “so young.” Both come from amazing Christian families. And when they are blessed with children, I’ll be begging them to let me sign up for the privilege of babysitting. 🙂
I met my husband at 18, got married at 22, had our first baby at 23. I was absolutely the young mom at the park. We were struggling financially, but we were willing to do what it took to make it work. After having my 3rd baby days before turning 31 I will say pregnancy was SO much easier at 23.
I also love that my older two girls are 7 & 3.5 and having a GREAT time visiting Grandma and Grandpa who are taking them out and doing fun things with them because they are young enough (59 & 60) to enjoy them.
I love the point about being in your 40’s when they leave home. We have only one child. We’ll call her unintentional because there are no “accidents” when you know that sex=babies. On the day she was born, I was 23 and her dad was 21(he turned 22 two months later and I turned 24 later that year). I had always wanted two or three children. I had always wanted to get started by the time I was 25 or 26…BUT I wanted to have my nest egg together, too. Now along comes this baby. Fortunately we had both been out on our own for a couple of years, had finished college and had jobs…so we weren’t completely new to the idea of responsibility. I’ve been an honorary auntie to two little girls. He had two much younger half sisters. We had both babysat in the past. Yet, nothing compares to parenthood.-the bad and the good.
Five years later, our relationship is stronger than ever and we have a smart, sweet, spunky little girl. JUST HER. We did not have one or two more per my original plan. Why?? Well, because we still want that nest egg and we would like a house with a yard for our child(ren) to run in. Time keeps slipping away and we aren’t quite there yet….and still no more babies in the workings.
Oh yes, we COULD just do it anyway. Lots of people do…but something in us stops us.
And as time goes on, I just keep thinking, but if we have another one, there goes being 41 when she goes to college and still being able to enjoy our “youth”! HAHA.
On the subject of grandparents, his parents were 46 and 41 when she was born, mine were 56 and 51. The 10 years did not make a difference in energy. That being said, I do think that in the long run in most cases, it’s probably nicer to be a grandparent in your mid 40s or early 50s than in your 60s.
By something stops us, I mean actual things. Like my husbands terrible car crash. I don’t mean, like we just sit there are go “you know, we could have another one NOW, but lets just wait a little longer”. No I mean, we look at our budget, say to ourselves, well if we had another one, we wouldn’t be able to afford to upgrade to a three bedroom apt/house AND if something were to happen that one of us lost our income, we’d be in big trouble. AND THEN something happens, and we lose an income or something else happens. And yeah, we make it through, but if we had one more, we probably wouldn’t. This is what we can do right now. We are doing our best and our child eats very healthy meals, is cleaned, dressed appropriately, and supported academically.
The 40 thing is a thought we have, but it’s a joke…as I assumed it was when you said it.
People have different reasons for doing the things they do in their lives. There is no one right way. But I agree that a lot more people could be having children sooner than they do.
As for comments made on your FB page about the parents of only children…well, I already let you know how I feel about that.
My husband and I have three kids (7, 5 and 3) and we are both 26, we got married at 18 and had our first at 19. My mother is only 48 and is the most involved grandparent i’ve ever been around! She keeps my kids and my two nieces every Friday night and has since my oldest was born. She is absolutely their closest family member outside of my husband and I and they all love it! I have seen a difference in her activity with them in comparison to my in-laws (who are about 10 years older) activity with them and have often wondered if age is a part of it. As it is now my husband and I could be grandparents in our very early 40’s and are both looking forward to it!
And as for the spin off discussion about how our complaining effects those around us….. I think it absolutely does! My husband’s former boss and his wife chose to not have children for that very reason. They are both in their late 50’s and he told my husband once that we were the first couple they had ever been around that seemed to actually enjoy their children! When they were trying to decide if they should have kids or not they spent five years asking 100’s of couples if they would do it all over again if given the chance and every one of them said no. I was completely shocked to hear that, and it absolutely broke my heart!
I will be the first one to say that children are a lot of work, and create a life of sacrifice but being a parent is a God given gift that I wouldn’t trade for anything in this world! My oldest said just last night that it might have been better for my husband and I to only have one kid instead of all three because they give us so much work. I very quickly jumped into that discussion and told him that I wouldn’t trade the work for anything at all. I made sure he knew that if we had the choice to do it all over again we would, every single time!
It’s so sad to me that our exhaustion as parents has such a negative effect on couples around us. I can say that I will be watching myself for this very thing even more so now though. And for those that are trying to decide, Psalms 127:3 comes to mind, it says “Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him.” When raised the way God intended, children are exactly that, a HUGE blessing to you life! It’s like anything else in this world, when done out of God’s plan and on our own, parenting can be awful and extremely difficult. But when you bring God into this situation and understand that He created these roles for an amazing purpose, it really is the gift that He designed it to be!
I totally think that you are right on with this Sheila. Of course everyone’s specific circumstances and lives are different, but overall we should encourage a Christian culture of marrying and having children young. My husband and I are 23 and 22, married for a year and I keep telling him that I want to have grandkids by 50, so we have to start by 25 to do our fair share! We each have a parent in their 60s and in poor health, so it looks like we will be in the boat of caring for kids and parents at the same time-any advice on that?
also-I have read research that says that children who’s grandparents are actively involved in their lives are more compassionate. I wish that I could remember where I read that.
This is something my grandpa is passionate about. It was really important to him to live to see his grandchildren, and now he’s enjoying his great-grandchildren! Since I’m the oldest and my Dad is the oldest then my kids are reaping the benefits of this line of thinking, and I’m so happy for them to be close to Grandma and Grandpa and Great Grandma and Grandpa, and be able to play catch and wrestle with them (the Grandpa’s) because we all had kids in our early 20’s. My grandparents also workout daily so kudos to them for being in shape.
My little sister is only 13 and everyone loves her just as much (or more) even though she didn’t come along until later so I think about her often in these kinds of conversations and recognize that everyone is doing their best- it’s not bad that my parents were older when they had her, and it can’t be helped that all the grandparents will probably be at least 15 years older with her children than mine. She gets more time with our grandparents since they’ve been retired most of her life. But I remember when my dad was in college and still had brown hair and could carry me around and those were good times! 🙂
I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to meet elderly people through church and work with my dad doing Elder Law, and the saddest thing is hearing them talk about how lonely they are and how much they miss their kids, or wish they had some. That definitely made an impression on me as a teenager. I don’t want to die lonely. Gotta build those important relationships while we are still capable of being the ones to give!
It is sad today how many of our young people are not interested in getting married or having a family. They really don’t know how they are missing out. My husband and I are always asking ourselves what did we do before we had kids. Our boys make our lives so much more meaningful and our contributions important and relevant. A lot of our friends are still waiting to have kids but at least they care about each other and families.
I am so happy to be able to say that I couldn’t agree more with your post due to personal experience. My son and his wife made us grandparents last year of a beautiful baby girl at the ripe ages of 43 and 44. My husband and I are loving the whole grandparent experience. We are able to play and do anything with Isabella that she wants to do. Tomorrow is her first birthday and the party is at our house because her parents wanted to have a luau and we have the pool! We have been busy for weeks getting everything ready and are loving every minute of it. We look forward to all the fun we will be able to have with Isabella in the years ahead. And she is a very blessed little girl indeed; at her party will be all her grandparents and 3 great grandparents. Her mommy and daddy have a whole lot of support and she gets lots of love!!
My parents tried for ten years before they were able to have me (at age 32), so I had older grandparents, and I knew going in that my children would have the same. Nevertheless, I didn’t let that scare me into marrying someone who wasn’t right for me, or having children before I was ready, just so my children would have younger grandparents. Making sure you choose the right spouse and waiting until you are emotionally and financially ready for children (at least, as much as is possible!) is, in my book, far, FAR more important than hurrying up and having kids so they can have young grandparents.
Plus, and I know I’m blessed here, but there’s not a thing in the world that those “younger” grandparents can do that my “older” ones couldn’t. They were 65 when I was born, and they were spry for a good fifteen years. My grandfather is still alive and kicking at 98 years young, and my grandmother made it to a few weeks shy of her 91st birthday. (On the other side of the family, my father’s parents died at age 45 and 55, several years before I was born).
My parents, at age 65, are healthy and spry and have more energy than a lot of 40-and-50-somethings. Again, there’s not a thing in the world they can’t do that “younger” grandparents can. I guess I’m inspired to defend my “older” parents and grandparents: you really are as young as you feel.
I’m totally on board with having babies younger! We got married at 20, and we had our first 20 days before our first anniversary! We are now 27 with three kids, and my parents just turned 50 this year. They do have the energy to spend time with them and keep up with them. My MIL is 54, and she enjoys them so much too! It is such a blessing to have them be so involved!
Hi, your blog really touches me, have been reading it for a while… Just wanted you to know about a website i started ReadYourBiblesChurch.com… It’s a place for Bible study guides.. I also put a forum in that can be viewed from a mobile device.. I couldn’t find where to contact you privately so I’m commenting, hope that is okay. 🙂 God Bless! Jenn.
This is an interesting topic… The idea sounds great…but life doesn’t always work that way. I was almost 35 when I got married and my husband was 49. We married one year after we met, thanks to older friends who knew us well and told us we “had to” meet. We’d both been active in ministry, praying for a spouse, but we didn’t meet “the right one” for a long time. God has been really good to us, giving us something we’d accepted we might never have. Our first child was born when I was almost 38, our second is due in a couple of weeks, and I am almost 40. That’s probably it for us, since my husband is 53 now, and we know he will be 70 when they are finishing high school. It’s not the way we would have planned it, but we have no doubt that God was and is in our relationship and we thank him often for what He’s given us!
I had the opportunity to know my great-grandparents when I was a child. They are all gone now but one great-grandma was still alive when I had my 7 and 6 year-olds so I have pictures of her holding them. Now my children also get to know their great-grandparents. My daughter was newly 3 when her maternal great-grandmother passed away and she was devastated b/c she had become very close to her great gramma. My mom is only 55 and she’s an involved grandma to a T! She teaches the kids to ride horses, keeps a wonderful farm full of animals that all the kids love, babysits all the time, everything. My husband’s mom on the other hand is only 53 and she’s spent most of the last 10 years in bed from various ailments and injuries. While she loves her grandkids, she can’t really enjoy them and I find that very sad.
But waiting to have kids? I’m only 32 and some days I’m so exhausted I can barely keep up with my current group of 4! I’m pretty sure that if I was just now having the kids I had in the same time frame as I did, I wouldn’t be able to manage! (I had 3 kids in not quite 2.5 years and then another 2 years later)
Sheila:
I like this post! I do think Christians should get married younger… I think we have bought into the world on delaying marriage until we are “settled”. I believe you are far better off to marry young, and grow up and old together, even if you delay having kids for a few years after you get married.
I choose to get married when all my nursing school classmates were moving in with their boyfriends, and we delayed having kids for a couple of years. We had our oldest son shortly after I turned 25, with a degree, my hubbies trade certificate as an electrician, a new house, and our first 4 door car under our belt. Now 17 years into this life, we are glad we waited a few years for kids, and let our relationship grow a bit, but still had kids when our parents were young enought to be active grandparents!
My dad will turn 60 this year, and takes all the grandkids for a week every summer. So far he has a 20 km bike ride, a kayaking excusion, and a day at the beach planned. We have been blessed to have grandparents and great grandparents, and my kids will get to enjoy a week at the cottage with my grandparents, thier great grandparent next door. Having kids at a young age has been a huge blessing for us!
I really think that early marriage is ideal for Christians, and we need to get rid of the idea to be settled first! This is certainley my hope for my kids!
I understand your line of thinking here as far as both parents and grandparents being better physically able to keep up with and enjoy children. However, there is a lot of pressure among Christians for a wife/mother to stop other things or at least greatly curtail them when her children are young and focus primarily on them. So this means that these young women are expected by most conservative Christians to put aside more education, travel, ministry opportunities, career, and exploration of other areas to settle down quickly.
In the Christian world or otherwise, men are not expected to do the same. In fact they are encouraged to continue dreaming and exploring and going for it, backed up by their wonderful woman of God who is keeping the home fires burning. Doesn’t really seem all that fair to our young ladies. If things were handled more equitably in the home, maybe not such a big deal. But I don’t think most live that way and the lion’s share of responsibility continues to falls on the young wives. To swing back to younger marriages would be to commit them to “loving, honoring and vacuuming” most of their young adult years, Consider the premise of your book, To Love Honor and Vacuum. What you’re basically saying with this post is that young ladies should throw themselves into the frustration that 99.9% of wives face EARLIER rather than LATER when they might be more mature and better able to respond to it with wisdom.
Just another thought I had…perhaps most will be freed up to pursue other interests in their mid-forties, but not in all cases. I know this may be a rare thing to think about but I have a few friends who ended up having children when they were young who ended up having a special needs child. They will always live in their home. How many of us know someone with a special needs kid? Probably every one of us. At times, it is overwhelming for those who walk this road. Are these friends accomplishing some of the most important work on earth? Absolutely. At the same time, their day of freedom to do all these other things they dream of will probably never happen. Just keepin’ it real…
Children ARE a blessing. I am so grateful for my three and the one we have in heaven. At the same time, kids ARE a huge responsibility. I don’t think hiding our feelings in conversation or writing about how hard it can be sometimes does anyone any favors. I wish some had been a lot more candid with me before I got married or had children and prepared me more adequately for the realities of being a wife and mother.
I first read this post and really struggled with my emotions about what was written. This line in particular stung.
“Unfortunately, that’s a little outside of your control, since adult children have a habit of living their lives by their own timetable rather than yours, but the fact still remains that spry grandparents can be an awfully big advantage!”
This sentence did help ease some of the sting.
“Not everyone can be a young parent, but most of us would be better off if we were able to settle down faster and have children sooner.”
And this one really hit home. Change ‘grandparent’ to ‘parent’ and that is what I was aiming for too.
“That’s what I’m aiming for, because I really want to be a grandparent before my knees give out, and given how lousy my right knee already is, I figure I only have a few decades left.”
I married at age 19. My first child was born when I was 22. The following year, I was diagnosed with bursitis in my hips and my knees. I told my husband that I wanted to have any biological children by the time I was 30 because I wanted to be able to enjoy playing with them. He agreed. After two confirmed miscarriages and then two and a half years of trying to conceive, we discovered we were expecting our second child. She was born when I was 27. A couple of suspected miscarriages and almost 5 years later, we had our third child when I was 31. We still do not believe our family is complete. I am now 34. We suspect, but were not able to confirm, that over the past two years I have had as many as 10 more miscarriages. We have been actively trying to concieve again for 14 months. It is difficult at times to read, or hear, well-meaning advice to have children early (and often) when infertility and loss are not considered in the equation. Perhaps some of the childless couples you see are not childless by choice. And for those who think adoption is the answer, God doesn’t call every family to adopt. It is not easy nor is it inexpensive.
I dearly love my children. The only thing I would change is to have had more. I enjoy having my home be the neighborhood hangout and getting to spend time with some amazing kids, while difficult on occasion, is such a blessing.
Reading through the comments, I realize that the article was written more from a perspective that those for whom infertility or loss were not an issue to consider children earlier in life rather than later.
Seriously!!! A blog post about pushing your kids to have children when they are barely 20 just so they can have young grandparents. That is ridiculous!! I will be unsubscribing to this blog shortly after I write this comment. I actually read one of your followers say ‘school can wait, have kids now”. Give me a break. When I think about my maturity level at 20, and my lack of life experience at that age I want to cringe. I did spend my 20’s figuring myself out. I worked in a profession after I received my degree, I became an independent woman,and at the age of 28 the Lord put the right man into my life. I worked as the main bread winner while my husband trained to be a heart surgeon. If we would have had children right after we got married my husband would NEVER have been home and I would still have been the main bread winner instead of having the choice to be a stay at home mom later. I eventually had my first child at 37 and my 2nd at 39. The thing is, none of that was MY plan. That was all part of the Lord’s plan. So please do not judge another person’s journey. And don’t push your journey on the rest of us because you think your way is best — physically, responsibly or emotionally.
Interesting blog! My wife and I were married at 19 and waited a couple of years to conceive. Our kids have had wonderful relationships with their grandparents, who were in their 40’s and early 50’s when the kids were born. I had time and energy to spend with them, even when shift work got in the way. To be sure, I missed a lot due to my schedule but when we did something it was full on.
Now, we find ourselves in our late 50’s and our daughter just got married to a wonderful man last year. She is now 36, he is 41 and they live in Oklahoma. I feel a little sad that we may have little time with grandchildren from them. My son is 34 this year and not yet married. Again, when he does marry, our time with his children will be shorter and we will be much older. My hope is we will be healthy, cognizant and hip when the time comes.
As a side note, I noticed some comments stating “I love my children but…”. Several years ago the Lord pulled me up short on comments like that. I was impressed to put the promises on the right side of my but. In other words, “my kids have been such a challenge today but, great is their peace for they are taught of the Lord.”. “My wife has been on my case all week but, I honor her as a vessel of honor and she respects me as her husband”. “The finances are looking a little tight but, I give and it shall be given to me pressed down, shaken together and overflowing shall men give unto my bosom.”. I found my answers in the promises of God and I found it comforting to end my comments with them on the right side of my but.
Thanks for you great blogs! Sorry that Sydney can’t just spit out the sticks and eat the hay.
This post ROCKS on so many levels!!! First of all, I’d like to think I’m a SPRY GRANDMA!!!!! I’ll be 43 on July 24 and I’m a grandmother. My grandson is 2 1/2. He was born just a few months after my 40th birthday. A grandmother at FORTY!
My oldest daughter was born just a few days after I turned 21. And if you do the math you’ll see that she in turn became a parent at the age of 19. Currently, my three girls are {almost} 22, 19 and 5. And I’ve said it before in these comments–the youngest was a tubal reversal baby.
I wouldn’t change this for the world!! I don’t have many memories of growing up with a grandmother. My mom lost her mom when my mom was only 19 years old. My dad lost his when he was newborn. He was raised by his grandmother. I remember Mama Katie fondly but she passed away when I was around seven years old. One of my grandfathers lived until I was in my teens. When my grandson was born I thought long and hard about the absence of a grandmother in my life. I looked to my mom as an example of this new role I took on.
My middle daughter {19} is currently reading a book that her boyfriend also read. Dang, I cannot recall the title. But it’s on embracing love and marriage {it’s a Christian book} at an earlier age than society would deem normal. I won’t try to sum it up because I haven’t a clue of its specific contents but it did cause me to raise an eyebrow when my daughter mentioned reading it.
You know what I’ve always wanted for my girls? GOD’S PLAN. I know it won’t look alike for all of them. It may not look like anything I’d want or expect. But if it’s HIS plan, it’s sure to be good. I agree that the pendulum seems to have swung far toward teaching our young people to go out and LIVE and find themselves. Christ on the other hand tell us to crucify our flesh, to deny self.
This post certainly raised some great points.
I’m calling myself a SPRY GRANDMOTHER {“Nanny”} from now on. *wink*
Sheila
I married a man 5 years younger than me. My mother-in-love had him when she was 21. So…. We had twins that were born when she was 42. It has been a life saver that she is still so young and active. Our girls are 2 and I also have a son that is 8 from my first marriage. She didn’t like to be called “grandma” at 42. So we call her Lolli and my father-in-love is Pop. Yes I know, Lollipop, too cute! It truly takes a villiage to raise these kiddos. We all feel that this is the way that God intended families to be. All helping each other. She gets on the floor with the kids, takes them out on the lake tubing, and never misses a baseball game! I truly don’t know what I would do if she were not in the shape and good health that she is in. I agree with the earlier post.. you are never truly prepared to have kids, so just go for it! Have fun! Do it while everyone can really enjoy it!
I haven’t read through every comment, but I’m sure they run the gamut. I’m living out part of your post and couldn’t agree more with it in entirety. I have counseled young marrieds in my church to not wait too long.
My mom was 40 when I was born. I’m 46 now. She died 5 years ago, but really I lost her 10 years ago to dementia. My father is in a nursing home.
Fortunely, I had my kids very young. Were we ready? NO, you are NEVER ready until it’s too late in mho. Like, I said, I’m 46 and my oldest is married and the other two are 4th year college. My husband and I are financially secure, even though in the beginning we were living VERY meagerly. We have always been a one income family (occasionally I worked part time for clothes money). Meager finances taught us that money doesn’t buy happiness, security in the Lord is the only security that equals happiness. We are able to travel the world and are still healthy enough to savor and enjoy it. I am hoping the grandkids will be forthcoming before too long. Seriously, in looking back, I’m SO GLAD that the Lord took control of when we had our kids. The earlier the better.
Another hot topic, eh? It seems that this is one of those grey areas. I have to agree with others that say having kids before you feel ready just so they have younger grandparents just doesn’t make sense. I’m the oldest and I married the baby in the family. My mom was a bit past 40 and his mom a bit past 50 when we got married. We waited 4 years after we got married to have children. Despite the fact that my mom is 10 years younger than my husband’s mom, my mom is the ‘old’ grandparent.
I was raised by my maternal grandmother who adopted me when she was 45. She passed away when I was 32 years old and my children were 3 and 5 months. Yes, there are parts of me that wishes I would have had my children sooner so that they could have known her better but there are many more things to consider.
I live in an area where people DO settle down young. All of our friends were married a good 3 – 4 years before we got married and we got married at 23 and 24 years old. These friends all had kids long before we had our kids. Most had finished having kids before we got married. We are considered ‘old’ parents. However, all of our friends are divorced, some remarried several times. Several of our friends are now raising grandchildren, at not even 40 years old. While we were considered the old parents among our children’s peers, we are pretty ‘young’ compared to our friends. They have been made old by their teenagers and their grandchildren and we have a little one that just finished kindergarten and are considering another child. Age is just a number. My step-father-in-law is the same age that grandma would have been (82 this summer) and he is as spry as a 50 year old. My kids aren’t missing out on anything. I was 28 when my oldest was born (after a stillbirth at 27) and 32 when my youngest came along. My SIL had her kids at 36 and 38. She tried for 15 years to get pregnant before going with IVF. They put off IVF for so long because of the Catholic church frowning upon it. Despite being 8 years older than me when having her kids, she’s not an ‘old’ mom by any means. She can run circles around all of the 20 year old moms and she has WISDOM and PATIENCE and other such great qualities that come with age.
Sherri, thanks for your comment! I just want to say, though, that I’d never recommend having kids before you’re ready just so that they’d have young grandparents. Not at all! My point was that, all things being equal, it’s good to think about having your kids younger rather than working on a career. Lots of people are ready, but they put it off. I was just saying, “don’t put it off if you don’t have to!” And I was also encouraging parents to raise kids who would be responsible early. I certainly would never want people to have kids before they’re ready. But at the same time, decades ago people WERE ready at 20 and 21. Why are we not today? I just find that interesting, you know?