Yesterday I listed my 7 Pet Peeves about Worship Music in Church. Great discussion in the comments!
But afterwards it occurs to me that I should have added an eighth:
8. People who criticize the praise team leader/sound man/pastor constantly, and blame them for their inability to worship.
If you can’t worship, it isn’t anyone else’s fault. It’s yours.
Yes, there are things that the praise team leader can do to help get rid of the distractions and facilitate you focusing on God (which is the main job of a praise team leader), but we are ultimately responsible for our hearts. Our attitudes matter.
And one of the most important attitudes we can have is praise & gratitude. That’s why songs that focus on who God is, and not just our response to Him, are so important in my view, because when we are reminded anew what an amazing God we serve, often the cares and concerns of the day melt away, and we’re more ready to listen to the message and learn something new from God today. We’re more ready to worship by listening. That’s part of what I was trying to get at yesterday, which some people said was wrong, because worship isn’t about preparing hearts to listen; it’s just about worship. I know what you’re saying, but there is a principle which I think is key:
Whatever you focus on expands.
When we focus on God, He expands. When we focus on distractions, or problems, they expand. So to me, part of the role of music in a service before the sermon is to help us focus on God, because that gets our attitude right so that we’re more prepared to listen. That’s why, when we do our devotions, we start with praise, rather than a list of prayer requests. That’s why, when we pray, we start by focusing on who He is, not what we need from Him. It’s about attitude.
And, if I can shift gears here, that’s why gratitude can transform a marriage. When we focus on what we’re angry with our husbands about, and all the things that they aren’t doing, then our marriage will be lousy. When we focus instead on what we love about our husbands, that is what we will tend to think about, and our attitudes will change.
Sometimes, when women email me about marriage issues, they list so many things wrong with the marriage that I’m tempted to say, “It’s hopeless!” If you look at only what they wrote, it looks very bleak indeed. But I often find myself asking, “is there really NOTHING good you can say about him? Is there really NOTHING that he does that’s right?” Often we focus so much on the negative, and we spend so much emotional energy trying to “fix” problems, that we become very negative and judgmental ourselves. And then we make those troubles worse.
I don’t know where you’re at in your marriage right now. I don’t know whether it’s a mess, or it’s going wonderfully, or you’re just getting by. But I do know that the best way to transform your marriage isn’t to figure out a magical “fix” for your husband; it’s to transform our attitude so that we’re first grateful.
And so I’d like to point you all to a resource that can help you do that. Long time reader Cheri Gregory has a wonderful study starting today, for the month of May, called “The PURSE-onality Challenge”, 31 days of replacing “baditude” with gratitude, using God’s word. You’ll focus on 31 key Scriptures to move into your heart, and you’ll learn more about problem-solving vs. complaining. It’s a great resource for those who want to turn things around, and I highly recommend it!
Cheri helps you to focus on God, not your problems, and you’ll emerge from the week with a better attitude to tackle whatever life throws at you.
And when we’re rooted in Christ, we are so much more effective problem solvers, too, because the Holy Spirit is better able to use us.
So taking a challenge like this does not mean that you let your husband off the hook. It doesn’t mean that you say, “nothing’s wrong, and I’m going to sweep it under the table.” It doesn’t mean that you say, “All the problems in my life are due to me.” Not at all. But it does mean that you are saying, “I am going to change what I can. I am going to take responsibility for my attitude and response. I am going to let God work in me.” And then you’ll be equipped and grounded and better able to see clearly to make the changes that do need to be made.
Do you see the difference?
I encourage all of us to join Cheri for her PURSE-onality Challenge. And today, I also encourage all of us, whether it’s about marriage, or church, or friendships, or committees, or whatever, to think about what we can be grateful for. Make today the day that you pray prayers about gratitude. Text your husband something that you’re grateful for about him. Write someone an encouraging note. Focus on the positive, and you just may find that your outlook becomes far more positive, too.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
You are so right, Sheila. As I mentor women, the single most important thing I can get them to see is their fault in their marriage, repent of it and then start seeing all the good things about their husbands. It has saved many marriages! Then I encourage them to not ever think one negative thing or say one negative thing about their husband but to only dwell on the good, the lovely, etc.
Sheila —
I read yesterday’s list of 7 to my pastor/musician/praise-and-worship-leader husband, and he appreciated them.
But I’m going to hear a hearty AMEN! to #8!
Toward the end of the California Women’s Retreat, Lysa Terkeurst quietly suggested that while perhaps not everything about the retreat had been 100% to our satisfaction, woe be unto any woman who wrote a note of complaint before she had written 100 notes of thanks for all the dedicated service given on her behalf.
During our Warm-Up Week, SO many women commented and e-mailed me — almost in shock! — about how powerful the urge to nit-pick and find fault can be. We don’t realize how “bad it is” until we try to curb it (or, in my case, try to prove it’s “not that bad”!)
What an encouraging post! I can testify that what we focus on expands. I see it in many areas of my life. Gratitude easily turns my perspective around and brightens things up!
This is a goal that we are always striving in our household to reach. It is a daily goal to be positive. Some days one or other of us is better at it and we try to remind the other to be positive. Other days we are bang on. Other days we need to hit the reset button. But it DOES work. Focusing on the positive does not ignore the issues, but boy does it ever make them more manageable. It also really allows you to take a step back from your own resentment and consider the other person’s point of view. If at the end of the day, you still want to bring up a complaint, you are a lot more likely to state your point in a reasonable manner, which is more likely to result in your spouse considering what you have to say and a lot less likely to result in the two of you in a “face off” to see who is the bigger victim in the relationship.
I really love this post, Sheila and I really think that the rest of your advice on marriage stems from this point about gratitude. It means better communication, more flirting, better sex. And ultimately a happier family.
I know you didn’t necessarily write this to encourage people in ministry, but I wanted to say thank you. My husband is the “Creative Arts Minister” at our church, aka the “sound man.” He has such a hard time trying to make the best worship experience possible. And sometimes, it’s just not feasible to keep everyone happy. If people aren’t able to worship, it might be that the sound is not the problem at all. Thanks for the encouragement:)
Yes, thank you for adding this! (And how much do I love that my dear friend I’ve never met, reads you too!) Excellent point, and I love how you tied it into marriage…so true about focus. =) Great post!
I love #8 Sheila!
My husband and I recently relocated to USA and boy, it has been a long road, finding a home church to settle in.
In the early days, I remember sitting through services and comparing (ahem… criticizing) almost everything, esp the praise and worship. My head and heart was in Africa and I carried this expectation of continuity.
God slowly reminded me that I was solely responsible for my connection with Him, not the worship leader/team or pastor. I had come to His House to meet with Him and had no excuse not to. Only I could block that connection, my environment couldn’t. If I was hungry enough, I would find Him.
I love the way you’ve connected this to marriage. It’s one thing I have purposed to do in my marriage – looking at what’s working instead of what’s not. It’s NOT easy! But it’s possible by God’s grace.
Great post!
Oh, I’m glad you added tip #8. Frankly ,yesterday’s post made me a little depressed about how judgmental Christians are towards each other. After several years of Paul’s active duty career, we found ourselves more and more judgmental of each church we attended. After all, we’d been privileged to be a part of so many great churches and seen so many weak ones, that we wanted ONE church that embodied the best of everything we’d seen in in 3 countries and 7 cities (and none of the weaknesses!) You are right about gratitude changing our unrealistic expectations, not only about the believers around us, but about our own spouse. Thanks for that.