Do you expect your kids to fall, or do you expect them to climb?
Those really are the two expectations of parenting: the parents who think that their kids will fall, so it’s their job to provide the soft landing. And then there are parents who think their kids will climb, so it’s their job to provide the ropes and the harness. Both keep kids safe. But one aims at helping them climb; the other aims at assuming they’ll fall.
I’ve always been a climber type of gal. I expect that my kids will do the right thing. I thought all Christian parents did this, but I was speaking with a friend recently who said that her attitude towards the teen years is this:
Kids are going to make mistakes and explore. I would rather they do it now, while they’re still under our roof and we’re there to catch them when they fall, than that they wait until they move out and we’re not there to cushion the landing anymore.
I was a little flabbergasted, and I didn’t say very much. But why do we assume that kids will mess up? Sure teens have a lot of pressure, and a lot of issues, but so do adults. And teens have the Holy Spirit just as much as adults do, when they love the Lord. My attitude has always been: I expect you to do what God says is right. I know you’re not perfect, but I expect you to try to listen to God. I’ll love you no matter what, but I expect that we will all, as a family, try to live for Jesus.
Do Not Conform – Wooden Plaque
from: DaySpring Cards Inc
Is that so weird?
Apparently it is. I was reading a story lately that epitomized this from Lifesite News, that featured a Planned Parenthood spokesperson saying that American families would be healthier if parents let kids have sex at home. She says:
Dr. Schalet, an assistant sociology professor at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, said American parents should be more like their counterparts in the Netherlands, who allow teenagers to have sex openly under their roof.
Schalet told local media she finds it unfortunate that America, girls believe “in their parents’ eyes they would be a disappointment if they were to engage in sex.”
“In the Netherlands if a girl is in a relationship, she’s not a slut for wanting sex, for making decisions about sex,” she said. Most parents deem teen sexuality a “part of your life that you are allowed to own and make choices about.”
Get that? Our lives would be better if we let kids have sex at home! That’s not all that different from the attitude I’ve also encountered from some parents at church who let their teens drink at home, and serve alcohol to other teens visiting, “so that they won’t drink outside the house”. They’d rather the kids drink where they’re safe. Why not just expect kids not to drink at all?
You’re setting the expectations: I expect you to make poor decisions. I expect you to mess up.
Am I being naive? I don’t think so. I didn’t drink. I didn’t have sex before I was married. In fact, 40% of Christians in my surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex didn’t have sex before they were married, either. I know that’s not a majority, but it’s a substantial minority. And I think the figures would be higher if parents expected more of their kids.
My children have always come to me when they mess up. We talk all the time–taking walks and talking and chatting at least an hour a day. I keep up with them. They know they can talk to me. But they also know that I expect them to do the right thing. And lo and behold, they do!
I don’t know why Christian parents would give in to defeatism and assume that their kids will choose the wrong path. When we assume that they’ll fall, they often do. If we give the message: we expect you to do the right thing, they often live up to that.
And here’s one of the scary parts that I’ve never understood about parents who let their kids have “sleepovers” at home or to want to get drunk. They now have nowhere safe. If even their parents think they’re going to have sex, how can they say no? Your home is supposed to be the one place in the world where you can still be a child and still be protected. But if your parents are saying, “you can have sex here”, then your parents aren’t protecting you. If your parents are saying, “you can get drunk here”, then your parents aren’t providing a safe environment for you to grow up in.
We owe it to our kids to expect the best, and to provide that safe environment. Jesus’ message was, “go and sin no more”. Did that mean that He wouldn’t forgive them if they messed up? Of course not. But it did mean that He expected them to choose well. And we should expect the same of our kids.
Kids live up to their expectations. I want to raise mountain climbers, not people who fall. What about you?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think it’s good to remember that this is a non-believer, looking at non-believers in Holland, giving advice to non- believers in the USA. As believers in Jesus Christ, it would be wise not to go with what this women advises us to do. (I’m from Holland, so this article made a bit defensive when it came out) Christian parents in Holland do not allow ‘sleep overs’, so let’s take their approach as fellow believers!
I think it’s good to have a healthy balance between ‘climbing’ and ‘falling’. I want my kids to climb, and reach every thing that God has for their lives., (they are only 5 and 3, so no experience with teens here) but I also want them to know that we’ll be there for them if they fall.
My parents made it very, very clear to us that God did not want us to engage in a sexual relationship, other than getting married. But they also talked to us about what to do if things went wrong; ‘don’t even consider having an abortion if you find yourself pregnant out of wedlock, we’ll be there and help you find a solution’, for example.
Yes, I want raise mountain climbers! I know that Peanut might fall at somepoint, I’ve fallen while rock climbing, but that’s why you’ve got ropes and harnesses.
It really, really bugs me when someone starts says “oh, he’s cute now, but just wait! Let me tell you about how he will be when he gets older. Boys are such terrors, and he will do [this], [this] and [this].” I want to shout back, “my child is not your child and children are not doomed!”
Now, I know we will have hard times, and yes, Peanut will rebel in various ways. But that doesn’t mean he will be a terror or someone I don’t want to be around. What’s a good, and kind, way to respond to people like this? I’ve always responded “perhaps”, but my heart wants to say so much more.
Mountain climbers all the way! We need to press on to the HIGH calling in Christ and teach our kids to do the same. It is a difficult road to travel – thus having to “pick up your cross” but Christ is there with them and to give your kids the tools to be able to “resist the devil so he will flee from you” is our job as parents.
That involves a lot of time and a need to make that time. To make a commitment to talk to them openly about things, to spend time “debriefing” about a situation before and/or after they are in it, monitoring what is watched on TV, movies, You-Tube etc., who they hang out with, being there for them when they may make a poor choice to show them how to defend against it in the future and to remind them God is on their side at all times to give them the strength to make good decisions etc. etc.
It’s a LOT of work, exhausting at times, and part of parenting along with the vital need to surround them diligently in prayer as it’s a spiritual battlefield out there!
Thanks for being a mountain climber mom!!
I love your point about giving our kids a safe place. I remember growing up, I never understood how Christian parents could give alcohol to their kids. You’ve given some really great information in this post. I hope I always aim high for my kids, not expect them to fail.
I grew up in a “you will NOT drink, smoke, have sex, etc OR ELSE” kind of house. It was mom’s way or the highway. There was no discussion – only a lot of preaching done at a high volume. It is my hope and prayer that my husband and I help our kids to climb the mountain, not because they are afraid to fall to the bottom but because they have the faith and knowledge that it’s worth it when they get to the top. Great post!
As a parent I’ve always been in the expecting children to climb, and as suchhave such have lived and acted accordingly. But there is a huge difference between expecting them to climb and being presumptuous about it. I was humbled to learn this lesson early on. I’m not one to let my children drink and have sex at home, but if as adults they make poor decisions – I hope my first thought isn’t acceptance (this is what they do) or costernation (like how could MY children do that) but one that mimics what God would do in the situation.
i need to fix my typos because it bothers me! it should read:
As a parent I’ve always been in the expecting children to climb camp, and as such have lived and acted accordingly. But there is a huge difference between expecting them to climb and being presumptuous about it. I was humbled to learn this lesson early on. I’m not one to let my children drink and have sex at home, but if as adults they make poor decisions – I hope my first thought isn’t acceptance (this is what they do) or costernation (like how could MY children do that) but one that mimics what God would do in the situation.
My husband is a youth pastor and in the short time that we have been in ministry, we have seen the effects of parents who expect their teens to fall. Even when a teen wants to change and start making better decisions, it is extremely difficult if they don’t have their parents’ support at home. They continually fall back on their old habits because that is what is expected of them. I wish more parents would support their children and encourage them to make good decisions.
I totally agree with you on this sister! You are not alone on this. I am a Mom of three girls ages 19, 17 and 11.
My parents always wanted to teach us healthy balances in our lives. They have no problem with Christians drinking, but rather drunkenness and therefore when we were of legal age (18 in our area) we would be allowed to drink at home. However, parties and such were not permitted. They wanted us to have a couple years of learning practically what it is like to be an adult. Because the fact is that I am not a kid anymore and when I go home that is not how I want to be treated but rather as a grown, married woman.
Further to Paige’s point – my parents allowed us to ‘sample’ alcohol when we were in our mid-teens, with the point of teaching us moderation. I don’t have a problem with ‘consumption’ of alcohol either, but I am VERY wary of alcohol abuse, and drunkenness, neither of which I have ever experienced, and to my knowledge, neither have my siblings. I never went to ‘parties’ as a teen or even into my post-secondary years, and I largely credit that to my parents modeling for us that enjoyment does not require excess. With regard to teenage sexuality being allowed within the confines of our parents’ homes? No way…in fact, ‘dates’ weren’t even allowed upstairs where the bedrooms were.
Hooray for you, Shelia!! I’ve been reading your posts for awhile now, and I m a firm believer in raising Mountain Climbers! I have seven children – three are out of the nest – and I had that attitude with them, and I will maintain that attitude with the youngest!
I also admire your statement that you did not have sex before marriage. My husband and I were both virgins as well, and we have never regretted it!
I’ll be praying for you and your ministry. I greatly appreciate your down-to-earth attitude!
Lisa
http://www.LisaRaub.blogspot.com
I so agree with you! And I think teens (though I don’t have any yet) want and need their parents to have good expectations for them. My husband and I are in a marriage group with several couples from our church. My husband told me a while back that one of the other guys was talking about his little girl (who is now 4) and how she always like to dress pretty. He said, “I just know she is going to be having sex when she’s a teenager, I just know it!” I didn’t understand how he could just expect that she would have sex, instead of expecting that she wouldn’t!
Ugh, that makes me feel icky and sad. 🙁 Why would someone say something like that about a 4 year old?!
Our 3 year old is a tomboy at heart, but loves to wear dresses to the congregation. One of our friends commented that she’ll make a great wife someday, since she is adventurous and can go hiking with her husband, but also dress up pretty when the occasion arises. I think that is a more normal response to little girls dressing pretty.
If you think that the way your kid dresses is going to result in her having sex as a teen, than maybe you should make some changes in her wardrobe now and work on some good habits in how to dress.
AMEN!
Amen, Sheila! Aim high! Yes, of course, we are there for each other when we make mistakes. We all sin. But the (negative) message you’re countering is far different than that. And I’m with you! Reminds me of the old hymn, Lord plant my feet on higher ground.
Julie
My least favorite words: “She will just have to grow out of it.”
This is a great article, Sheila! I definitely want to raise mountain climbers. I have a 16 month old, and we expect him to sign, please and thank you, or we withhold what he wants. We get some pretty rude comments. We’re certainly not cruel about it, but we do know (and have seen) that he is capable of doing so and capable of withholding when he’s being stubborn. Our kids are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for. Lord, help us teach our children to fear God above all else and seek to live for Him. We discipline and teach our children because it is commanded by God. They obey and follow us because it is commanded by God. It doesn’t always makes sense, but I move forward in faith that God’s wisdom far exceeds my wisdom.
Thanks for your faithfulness to speak up on “hard” topics!
A big Amen to that sister girl.
Bette
This speaks to what I have said for years! My parents were the ones with high expectations and rules. They were the ones that made me call when I got somewhere and call if I were going to be late (and it better be a good reason!) At the time, I thought they were so strict and my friends all made fun of me for having these rules. Yet, my house was where everyone wanted to hang out. Because, my parents cared enough to demand respect and set boundaries. Even, now (in our thirties), my friends still call my parents when they need prayer or help with a decision.
My parents always expected me to make the right decision but I always knew their love was unconditional no matter what. Because I was given their trust, it was mine to lose! That trust was precious to me so I made every effort to preserve it. My friends parents’ assumed they would “mess up”. There was nothing for them to lose by making poor decisions. As a mom of 2 now, I will set the standard HIGH and still be their soft place to fall.
Nothing wrong with alcohol. My mom allowed us to sample alcohol even in elementary school. It’s not some magical sinful forbidden fruit.
It’s no big deal. Good wine is an artful that complements the meal. The result of which is that I knew my tolerances long before I was 18 and my palette is discerning. So I didn’t drink in college, ’cause cheep alcohol tastes bad.
I’ve never been drunk. And I can appreciate alcohol without being stupid about it. I expect I shall raise my children the same way.
This is such a great reminder. I have an 11-year-old girl that had a major melt down last night. I definitely didn’t handle it well due to being tired, but after re-visiting the argument, I realized that part of my bad handling was that my tone and words were more towards expecting her to fail than encouragement to keep following God. She is a wonderful, strong-willed girl, and I need to concentrate on letting her know I have confidence that she will climb instead of expecting the defiance. Thank God for grace and forgiveness.
This is such a wonderful, encouraging, enlightening message. I have a 10-year-old and my in-laws are kind of under the impression that kids will go through that stage, just keep an open relationship. But I have never expected or wanted that. I love what you say- that the Holy Spirit is in our children as much as he is in us. That is so very true. Thank you!