I receive a lot of emails asking questions about sex in marriage, and one of the most frequent one I get is on whether or not it’s okay to use “novelty” items to spice up your marriage.
I dealt with this in both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and my post “Can Christians Use Sex Toys” and I had a hard time doing so. I gave my opinion, but I know that many Christians feel differently. If it’s two married people, no one else is involved, and you’re not using porn, what’s wrong with just having fun?
And there’s nothing wrong with having fun. Absolutely not.
Which is why I wouldn’t call sex toys sinful. I think the Bible gives a lot of freedom to people who are married to explore sexually, and I think to draw a line about some issues and say, “this makes God mad”, when it really can’t be found in the Bible, isn’t helpful.
At the same time, while I wouldn’t call such things sinful, I do think of 1 Corinthians 10:23, which says (New Living Translation):
You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”–but not everything is beneficial.
A lot of life falls into this category. It’s not necessarily sinful; but is it beneficial?
So in order to answer that question, let’s step backwards a minute and ask: what is beneficial about sex? What are the unique aspects of sex which make it great, and what is sex really for?
1. Sex is Fun
Absolutely! Sex is supposed to make us feel great, and feel relaxed, and sleep better, and feel absolutely and totally alive.
2. Sex Enhances Intimacy
Sex is meant to help us “know” each other. It’s not meant to ONLY be fun. It’s also supposed to draw us together. We should feel united through sex, as if it’s something that we’re experiencing together, and expressing love through, and not only something which is making us feel great.
And it’s the latter part that I think is so important to our discussion. Sometimes couples really lose out on this because they’re focusing so much on the physical that it’s almost as if you’re experiencing two separate, parallel sexual encounters. You’re “using” the other person, not experiencing and giving pleasure with the other person. You’re not really thinking about the other person, but you’re fantasizing or thinking about other things during sex. And so sex is actually quite selfish.
I received an email yesterday, for instance, from a woman whose husband would rather watch her using a toy on herself than actually make love. She doesn’t know what to do. He’s a Christian, and what she really wants is intimacy. But he’s always coming up with new and weirder things that they can try, and he doesn’t seem to focus on how they can feel close to each other.
I received another email this week from a woman whose husband is about to be deployed for a year, and before they left he wants to buy her something to tide her over, if you get my drift. She’s uncomfortable with that, because she wants to keep sex a mutual experience, not a selfish one (which is what she sees this as). But when your husband really wants you to do something, what do you do?
Finally, I received a further one from a woman with a unique problem: they had gone together to purchase a toy because she only orgasmed very rarely during intercourse. They thought it could “train” her body what to do. But now she finds she can reach the pinnacle really easily with the toy, but never through intercourse. What was once sporadic is now completely gone. And she doesn’t know what to do, because her husband is having fun with it, but she’s worried that she’s further wrecked her sexual response.
I know some women want me just to come down hard on this and say, “don’t use them! Tell your husband they’re evil and stop!” But I don’t believe it’s that simple. And let’s face it: a lot of women really enjoy them, too! And is there really anything wrong if you just use them occasionally, and you can still totally enjoy intercourse with your husband?
Again, I’m not willing to say that you can’t. But I would just offer this warning: if you end up in a scenario like one of the three I mentioned, where it seems as if the toy is being used to replace intimacy, then you have a problem. And because toys often lead to this kind of thing, it’s likely best to think twice before you introduce them, even if you do already have a great and intimate sex life.
So what do you do if you feel as if the toy has become a hindrance, but your husband really wants to keep using it? I’m afraid I don’t have great answers, but I will say this: intimacy and friendship go hand in hand. When you are close friends, you can talk about these issues more, and you can often come to a compromise easier. You can express reservations, and you can make suggestions, when you can talk more easily.
Like most things in marriage, then, I’d suggest working on your friendship. Make sure that you can laugh together everyday. Make talking a natural thing you do together, either by taking walks after dinner, or taking up a hobby together, or cooking together, or anything. Just talk and laugh. And, if he’s a Christian, add prayer to that, too. The more you are spiritually intimate through prayer and Bible reading, the more God can work on both on you to bring you together.
And then, work at making your sex life as physically stupendous as possible doing the things that you are comfortable with. When you’re showing that you desire to make love, and that you look forward to it, then you give him a big boost.
Once you have these two things in place, it’s easier to talk about things that you’re not comfortable with. I wish I had an easier path to a good answer, but like most things in marriage, it can be hard work! So pray it through, and make intimacy your number one goal in the bedroom.
If you’ve ever been through something like this, where you were involved in something you wish you hadn’t started, or where your husband asks for something you don’t want to do, how did you resolve it? Or do you have something else to share? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I guess I’m in the opposite boat here. My wife usually asks for the toy to join us or goes to get it herself if I don’t. I’ve asked several times in the past if we can leave the toy out of it and she will agree for a brief period of time but then she just brings it back a few weeks later.
Now we are at the point were anytime we are together it’s basically a quickie and there is little to no intimacy at all.
I’ve gotten to the point where I just gave up on the whole process. After years of being the partner with a higher desire and need to be with her she’s reduced it to a purely physical act that’s still on her timetable and I just gave up. I told her 2 weeks ago I have no more desire for it and she said okay let her know whem I’m over it.
Any thoughts on how to bring this subject up without causing more issues??
I know how empty sex is even in a marriage when there is no intimacy involved. 🙁 Have you talked with her about what real intimacy is, and how you desire to be truly intimate with her while you make love because you love her so incredibly much? And that the toy detracts from that intimacy that you desire for your marriage?
Are you intimate in other areas of your life? Something that happened in my marriage is that we lost the emotional and spiritual intimacy, and therefore sex wasn’t fulfilling anymore. Sex became rare, and only consisted of quickies. Neither one of us were satisfied and we knew something was missing, we just didn’t know what. After I started reading Sheila’s blog, I realized what had happened and what was missing. I started talking to him about rebuilding intimacy in our marriage, and he thought it was a good idea. We started spending more time together, we started talking about everything, etc. We decided to wait on sex a little while until we established emotional and spiritual intimacy again, so that it wouldn’t be a purely physical thing, and I’m so glad we did that, even though it was difficult. Like Sheila wrote at one point, we hit the “reset” button on our sex life.
I pray that God will heal your intimate life and your sex life with your wife.
Jen, your comment just made my day! I’m so glad that I was able to point you and your husband in the right direction, and that some of these posts that I write actually do hit home!
I’ve attempted to start up converstations about it several times and usually just get an eye roll or a hrumpfh because some is better than none. Typical conversations go to it’s all just me and I should just be happy with where we are and maybe this is all there is for us.
The rest of the relationship is pretty rocky of late as well. I feel like we are room-mates and little else most of the time. I read logs of marriage blogs, every book I can get my hands on looking for ideas on where to go and my only feedback is to watch her reaction as she either doesn’t know what to tell me or can’t tell me what’s going on.
So I usually fall back to the standard men are rough and don’t have feelings because when I try to express what I feel it’s always my fault. I have no idea if I’m just bad at explaining it what’s going on.I know it’s not all my fault, but I can’t find the middle ground where we can both see what we are doing to cause this.
I guess this isn’t really on topic anymore so sorry about that… and thanks for the prayers. I just wish I didn’t feel so lost 🙁
I wonder if you could find out how she feels love. You know, the five love languages thing. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. You both can take the little quiz to find out your love languages here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/
Once you know what makes her feel loved, try to show her love in that way as much as you can. Maybe that would turn things around a bit.
Also, pray without ceasing for your wife and your marriage. God wants to bless your marriage, and He wants us to give Him our burdens. Jesus said that whatever we ask in His name, believing, He will do, so the Father will be glorified in the Son.
Yea the 5 love languages are funny things. Got the book 6-7 years ago and about a year ago took it back out to re-read it.
I already know she is Acts of Service (although I asked her to take the test again and re-confirm things have not changed over time and she said it came out the same).
I’m not Acts of service so it’s been something I’ve had to work on for many years. I actually got a compliment from a friend who spent the weekend with us that I must clearly be acts of service because of all that I was doing to make her stay nice. I told her that I wasn’t an Act of Service person but my wife is and I practice with it daily. So while I’m sure I still have things to learn I took that as a compliment that atleast I’m heading the right direction.
I’ve always been alot more focused in the last month or 2 on making sure I pray daily for wife, marriage, family, etc. I know I’ve not been real active on that front in years past.
Thanks for the kind words and the ideas 🙂
Yep, sometimes you can do all the right things, and as Sheila said, your spouse can still be disengaged. We can only change ourselves, which is frustrating sometimes! I was in that situation too, for years. Things have been turning around more recently – we still have a lot of room to grow, but our relationship has improved drastically. So don’t lose hope. I firmly believe that my prayers, and the prayers of family and friends, opened my husband’s heart to God, which in turn opened his heart to me.
I would have to say “kudos” to you for working hard to love her in her language. My suggestion is instead to focus solely on “her” language, practice a little of each every day. See what she responds to. Find out what makes her smile/laugh and do that. Also read my further comment below.
Ryan, I think sometimes we go through periods in marriage when the other spouse has just disengaged. At that point, we need to still love, but we also need to recognize that you cannot do what is not in your power to do. Keep loving her, yes; keep wooing her, yes; but you cannot make her change.
A commenter who was once in a similar place to your wife wrote a really insightful post a while back that may help. It’s right here.
I read that when it was first posted, but never hurts to re-read it.. as I change maybe what I take from it will change as well thanks.
Should also say thanks for the blog. Been reading for for about5 months now and found it very insightful and helpful on how to look at things from other perspectives and get new ideas.
I will love her forever and just have to keep working on how to show her that 🙂
Thanks!
I feel like we need to make our lives and our marriages an offering to God. Sex should be the most intimate and holy experience that we use to offer ourselves as individuals and as couples to God in a total and complete way. When we completely surrender to God during sex, we can allow God to take charge over our marriage and over our life.
Once when my husband was going away for two months, he wanted me to use something to “tide me over,” so we went and picked something out. I never could get into it. I greatly desire my husband, but there is nothing desirable about an inanimate object. I need my husband in order to be satisfied.
P.S. Our intimate life is alive again!
Jen, I’m so happy for you! That’s wonderful, and I know a real answer to prayer for you!
Thanks! It is definitely an answer to prayer. I really appreciate you praying for us, Sheila. 🙂 Your blog has helped tremendously as well. If it hadn’t been for your writings, I wouldn’t have realized what our marriage was missing (the spiritual and emotional intimacy), and we’d still be floundering along alone. Thanks so much for using the gifts God gave you. I know you are a blessing to many.
Thanks so much, Jen! And I’m so glad that things are going better for you. I’m still praying through your husband’s depression, too!
I know our prayers are helping his depression, too! He’s been feeling a lot better lately. I’m praying that he will continue to feel better, because he’s had times in the past where he would feel better for a short while, and then he would be depressed again. I just pray so much that he will continue to feel better. Thank you, so so much, for your prayers. “Where two or more are gathered in My name….”
We’ve talked about the toy issue, because I have trouble climaxing during intercourse. It’s happened spontaneously exactly twice in our five-year marriage. So we’ve both brought it up at different times – neither of us feels it’s necessarily wrong if it’s used mutually, but I just never felt a hundred percent comfortable with it and I couldn’t put my finger on why for the longest time. I finally figured out how I felt, that I was afraid I’d become so dependent on a toy for my orgasms that I’d start using it when he wasn’t there and our sex life would suffer. So I told him that, and he said “I understand” and that was the end of it. And it’s not that I never orgasm – we have our ways. 😉 But I realized (TMI alert! Though I don’t know if there is such a thing on this blog…LOL…) I’d rather my husband be my sex toy than anything made of plastic.
And now I’m kind of blushing that I said that…oh well! LOL
So I guess I don’t have any real advice, just that it’s so incredibly important to be open and honest with each other about your feelings, and to work together towards making sex both pleasurable and intimate for both of you. And thinking the best about each other too. Like, I never felt my husband thought my inability to climax was my fault. Sometimes I felt that way, or sometimes he felt insecure that it was something he was doing wrong. But at the end of the day, it’s just how my body happens to be wired and we have to work around it. Keeping that in perspective helped keep it from becoming a big roadblock for us.
Glad you posted it. I am not having any problems ever since I watch Ms. Courtneylivingwell and she stated how she did not deprive my hubby of that wonderful time together and its has brought us closer together.
I think that it’s less about the toy itself than the reason for it. I worked for a home party company that sold such toys and I’ve seen it work both ways – some would say they no longer needed their partner and others who said that it brought a new intimacy to their relationship. For many women (more than 80%), there is more stimulation necessary for them to reach that pinnacle. That’s where the toy comes in – as a tool that can be used together. It’s definitely a better option than ‘faking it’ and creating a dishonest relationship in the bedroom, or simply not enjoying that area of your lives and possibly avoiding it. It’s simply more complicated than ‘toy or not toy’. Both are normal and healthy, in my opinion, but it’s actually a very small part of the entire equation and it’s never the same as the connection you can have as a couple if you communicate and remain open-minded to each others’ needs.
I feel the same way! I once sold toys in a home based business too. I see both sides of it. My husband is currently deployed and it helps out every now and then. We do use a toy every once in a while, but it isn’t introduced every time. I’m glad you posted this!
From once being married to a man who had a severe porn addiction and wanted to use toys, movies, all of it in the bedroom… it just isn’t worth it to introduce ANY of it into the marriage bed. Now that I’m remarried, I have to keep myself very open with my husband and tell him exactly what does and doesn’t feel great. And we’re finding a LOT that does feel great (especially since reading your blog), and it’s fun sneaking in times and see how much fun we can have before one of our seven children come knocking on our door. 🙂
In a past (unfulfilled relationship/marriage), I used the toy to 1) satisfy my needs 2) put me to sleep 3) satisfy my needs 4) put me to sleep. So you get the point. I was in a vicious cycle of “needing” the toy to be my lover. In my current marriage, I explained to my husband that in the past, I used a toy to fill a void. My husband understood and ultimately said “I will be your toy”. I have never once had the desire to use a toy in this marriage. My husband is the type that if he is sleeping and I want to be fulfilled, he will wake up and take care of me. (Yes! I am blessed!! and I do the same for him). So while I can relate to those people who think they “need” the toy to fulfill them, I also know the opposite. If you are the one who feels that you need the toy (not just as an added part to sex life, but that you heavily rely on the toy to bring you satisfaction) you should pray and ask God to give you a sexual desire that is ONLY towards your spouse. It may take a little time, but when you make this your focus, your spouse and you can find new meanings to spicing up the bedroom.Let your spouse find ways to be “your toy”…
~TC Thompson
I love that your husband said, “I will be your toy!” That’s awesome. It’s good to use each other to have fun (and to put us to sleep 😛 ). It’s not good to keep needing something else and deflect the intimacy we should have, in general.
Ryan, have you read “when sinners say i do” by dave harvey, or “sacred marriage” by gary thomas? Both are excellent-even if your spouse is not open to working on the relationship (like my hubby).
I have not read either. Sacred Marriage is on the list. I’m reading Love & Respect right now, but I’ll check them both out.
Thanks!
Sacred Marriage is really an awesome book. I can’t second that recommendation enough.
My husband and I use a vibrator sometimes. I have never been able to orgasm through intercourse. Not even close. I don’t know why. I can when he uses his hands (sometimes) or a vibrator. We’ve been married almost 2 years and never had any sexual experience prior to that. And, actually, my husband was unable to orgasm through intercourse for the longest time. I’m not sure if I’m not tight enough or what, but he would get close and never come. It was very frustrating for both of us. But when we got a vibrator and he could get me to orgasm that way, it would get him going a lot better and he was able to orgasm inside me. If not for that vibrator, we probably would not have conceived our baby.
I don’t ever use the vibrator just to take care of my needs. We have really good communication and when I feel needy, my husband is always ready to be there for me. In fact, he’s usually the one who gets the vibrator out (I don’t even ask, usually). Actually, sometimes he gets it out when I’d rather he just take some time with his hands so I’ve turned down the vibrator a few times. I think it can definitely be a temptation to just get out the vibrator instead of learning to please each other. The vibrator is a quick fix. But it has helped us to have it for occasional use (only when we’re together). When used carefully, I think it can be a help to intimacy.
My husband is on heart medication that causes him to have a hard time having an erection. He feels I need to work a whole lot harder to help this happen, which I realize is true but he really wants me to do oral sex. I do it but I haven’t been able to overcome my revulsion so I always gag and can’t really do it well. I work hard with my hand but it seems to be getting harder and harder and he resents me and kind of blames the whole thing on me. I just hate having sex now. I never enjoyed it that much anyway because he can’t seem to get it into his head that he needs to make more effort to avoid premature ejaculation. I have read books and tried to suggest things we can do to prevent it but he has a very immature idea that sex shouldn’t take work (for him) and he doesn’t want to follow any book. So he has always just gone ahead and had his premature ejaculation and kind of blames that on me too and just stays in this dissatisfied space all the time. I am just getting too miserable. So recently I got to the point where I can’t even stand him to touch my clitoris, I’m just too depressed, and so now he doesn’t even touch me at all. It’s not too good right now for us. Any comments or suggestions?
It sounds like he has no clue what sex is about. Sex is about love primarily and intercourse only secondarily. Is he trying to love you as God’s daughter? Is he trying to show you his love through his touch? Does he make his caresses into acts of love? It doesn’t sound like any of this is happening.
Your job is not to give him oral sex or even a handjob. Those are not part of your job description as a wife. I would recommend that you focus on trying to love your husband as a son of God, and try to love him from God’s viewpoint.
Sex should be the moment when the husband’s love and the wife’s love come together centering on God’s love.
I just have to second all the book suggestions – my husband and I have actually read “love and respect” “the 5 languages” “sacred marriage” and a few others. We are excellent communicators and have a very healthy marriage but most of that comes from our desire from day 1 to keep God in our marriage. All of these books have been great for us and even if not new have been excellent encouragement. I highly recommend them! This blog has also been awesome – we have and had a very healthy sex life however growth is always available and so much info that is basic but never discussed cause it seems to be so taboo in the Christian world has helped things be even more fun and enjoyable! Thank you Sheila for your awesome blog.
I am so affirmed by your writing Sheila and agree with your stance on toys. It is so important to remember (as many commenter’s have mentioned) that when there are serious problems in the bedroom they often stem from issues in other areas of the marriage. Continuing to serve and love your spouse and bring whatever health you can to the relationship regardless of their response is what love is. Thanks again for your insight.
Megan
I really appreciate your voice. Thank you for not saying DON”T USE THESE THINGS, and thank you for the voice saying, “Sex is about intimacy, not orgasm.” Such a good place when you can have both!
In my “previous life” – the only way I could orgasm was through a toy. I think it hinders me sometimes now. My new husband and I did get a small ‘buzzer’ and used it a few times – but I ended up feeling a bit ashamed and it brought back feeling of the “old me” – the person I do not want to be any longer.
It is our choice together to no longer include this toy in our lovemaking – and although orgasm does not happen every time – I ALWAYS feel loved and securely desired afterwards. That is worth a world of “buzz” to me
A reader who wishes to remain anonymous asks this:
I have a question; a different scenario… What about in the case of divorce? My mother was divorced and never remarried (though not for lack of wanting). It was suggested by her doctor that she obtain a toy for her personal use to maintain the health of her muscles. First, how true is that? Second, since she was married already and has no prospects for remarriage, what is your opinion on the use of a toy in this situation?
I think that sex should always remain between a man and his wife. She is not married. However, the point about keeping her muscles healthy is a good one to prevent incontinence, but that is what kegal exercises are for! 🙂 IMO 🙂 Besides, who’s to say she has no prospects for remarriage? Only God knows, and she certainly doesn’t want to “train” her body to only respond to artificial stimulation in case she does actually marry1
Ryan,
Do you have a pastor or counselor you can speak with? It seems so taboo in our culture, but when a marriage is in a rough place, people need to get help! CREC is an excellent organization of christian counselors, if you can find one in your area.
I don’t think you should keep trying to muddle through when repeated conversations lead to more frustration and no change. “maybe this is all there is for us” should not be where you stay. Fight for a good and intimate relationship with your wife! Stand up and look her in the eye, put your arms around her, and tell her you have scheduled an appt with so-and-so and you want her to come with you. Inspire her with what you dream of for your marriage, without blaming her.
At the very least, a good counselor will help you be the man your wife can respect and help you see blind spots you may be missing. If she will go with, even better. But don’t spend years floundering around looking for a magic bullet. The very fact that you take charge of your part of the marriage in a direct and manly way may be enough to get your wife’s attention and get her on board.
Take this from a wife who married a very nice guy that meets all of her “needs” but hesitates to make a plan and pave the way in the right direction. I want him to make US enough of a priority that he is willing to step out of his comfort zone and do the right thing without me asking him or telling him or falling apart.
Don’t know if that helps. Sorry to follow a rabbit trail, Sheila! Thanks for another great post.
loved the post
This also was very helpful to me in seeing the importance of true intimacy in marriage. It is a message by Jason Reed to men on Developing intimacy with your wife. Hope the link works. Very Good message! Intimacy is a big factor in preventing problems in marriage and making it truly sizzle.
http://www.puretest.com/em2010-2011/media/cornerstone/07%20Nov%201,%20Developing%20Intimacy%20With%20Your%20Wife.mp3
Thganks
Another great article, and helpful discussion Sheila. It’s really a sign of an unnecessary and unhelpful shame around sex when couples automatic assumption is that anything other than straight intercourse must be wrong or ungodly. The other perspective is more helpful (which is what you are suggesting): if it is not forbidden in the Bible, if it is something that enhances your intimacy together, and you both desire it, then you should do it.
Pornography and fantasizing during sex inhibit intimacy because they bring others into the sexual experience (even if only in the mind), and in that sense the sex act draws one closer to that person / fantasy rather than one’s spouse.
That said, it seems that a wide variety of methods of touching / playing / stimulating oneself and one’s spouse – as part of a sexual experience together – could all be part a healthy, godly sexual relationship.
I wish I could raise my hand way up high and yell, “OOOO, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!!!!” Not too long ago, I found the light! This is for all you women out there who “can’t” orgasm w/o a toy or manual stimulation!
I know from my own experience that the use of toys and “manual” stimulation does in fact desensitize, which for me took YEARS to recover, with the very patient help of my husband.
I had learned of self-stimulation in my health class in public highschool. (one of the MANY reasons we now homeschool!) I began (I hate the word, so I won’t say it) “Ehem”ing weekly from the age of 16 or so until I got married at 20. When we got married, I couldn’t orgasm w/o manual “help”. We were married 4 years when I finally asked my best-friend a very personal question: How often percentage-wise would you say you orgasm during sex? She SHOCKED me when she said 90%! In the 4 years of our marriage I had only “O”d 2 or 3 times w/o “help”. I brought it up in my wive’s group, and they gave me the best advice I have ever had!
“Try being on top”. I told my hubby, and asked him to let me just try whatever I wanted to see what felt right, and that first time, I had an orgasm w/o help! Now, I have to say it took a LOT of practice (oh darn ;-)) and a very willing/patient husband, but I was able to learn how to make love with my husband w/ me on top and orgasm almost every time w/o stimulation, which then translated into being able to do so “missionary” as well! It gave me the belief that it was possible, and with that, I had the confidence to try whatever it took, short of using fingers or toys, to get me to the big “O”!
Oh, yes, a willing & patient hubby and LOTS of foreplay really helps, too!
Great testimony. Thanks! 😀
My man is the one whom initiated the toys and even got a tiny bullet myself that I never used. I’d already told him they weren’t good but he kept buying them so I gave in to his needs.
There’s a complete disconnect now with him being completely selfish in bed and I honestly don’t want to have sex anymore.