Every weekend I like to post a question someone sends in and take a stab at answering it and then let you readers have a go at it. Since yesterday was my birthday, I thought I’d do an age related one. So here’s something that one reader asked recently:
You talk a lot about experiencing real “intimacy” when you make love. That is something I desire, but find difficult at times. I have had significant healing in this area, but it’s still not easy. Often I look at my “issues” and wonder whether I feel this way because of my past abuse or just because I’m a woman. It can get so confusing!
A friend of mine was talking about sexual maturity. She said it has taken her awhile to feel and accept that she is a sexual being (she is in her mid-40’s). I can’t imagine a time in my life (I’m in my mid-30’s) when I would be okay with my sexuality. There is too much shame and embarrassment attached to it, I guess. I’m not sure how to bridge the gap.
I know for me, personally, I am much more comfortable with being a sexual being in my 40s than I was in my 20s. After yesterday’s birthday, I have now officially been married half of my life! And I feel as if I’m finally comfortable with myself.
I think this is actually the norm for most of us. In the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I shared my surveys that the best years for sex in marriage aren’t the honeymoon years; they’re years 16-24 of marriage.
Sex improves with age because we’ve had longer to figure it out.
We know each other well. We can communicate. And it’s easier to become vulnerable.
I think it’s that vulnerability thing that is key. When we are dealing with messy pasts, like sexual abuse issues, or guilt over what we did, or just shame that our parents made us feel, it’s very hard to let go sexually. We’re nervous. We’re thinking so hard about what we’re doing that we can’t just “go with the moment”. We’ve got major roadblocks to being able to relax.
And yet the key to female sexual response is being able to “let go”. To stop being a control freak, when you’re worried about everything and second guessing everything, and just give in to the moment. And that’s really hard to do initially for most of us–even those of us who haven’t had past issues of abuse.
The #1 reason is that we’re just plain self-conscious. Our sexuality is a really private part of us; to open that up and let our husbands see is scary. It’s revealing the most intimate part of ourselves. And that’s why it takes a lot of trust, which often comes with time.
We tend to think that great sex is just dependent on great moves, but it really isn’t.
It’s far more about learning to reveal the deepest parts of yourself, and that can be intimidating. But when you get to that level of trust, it’s really freeing on so many levels.
Some women start off marriage with a sexual bang, if you’ll pardon the pun, but most of us do take a few years to ease into it. Sex improves with age, and I think it’s supposed to be that way: our sex life is a journey we take together, and it’s a journey we’ll keep taking as we go through life’s changes with kids, with health, with stress, with love. And that’s a good thing.
So yes, sex does tend to get better with age. In fact, most women report hitting their sexual prime in their forties, not their twenties or thirties! And you really can get there as you learn to trust your husband more, let go of shame, and just open up and be more vulnerable.
But now I’d like to hear from you all: Are you more comfortable with yourself as you get older? Did sex improve with age for you? Or were your best days your honeymoon days? Leave your thoughts in the comments!