Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s a difficult one, and I’ve received about 4 versions of this question this week. I’m hoping that some of you who have walked through this can give these women some encouragement. Here’s a composite of their emails:
We’ve been married for a few years now, and I honestly don’t enjoy sex. I find it rather disgusting. I don’t want to be like this; I desperately want to have a great marriage. I know I’m hurting my husband. I can try to “throw myself into it” but my body just doesn’t follow. It’s like I shut down. What should I do?
Great question! And a really tough one. I know so many of you have experienced this, but many of you have also come out on the other side. If that’s your story, can you give them some encouragement?
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift to yourself, as well! I’m sure your husband won’t mind :).
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Two parts ~
Your head: Prayerfully ask yourself why you find sex disgusting. When God created man and woman, He called His creation “very good” and that included their sexuality (because He told them to multiply pre-fall). I would ask God to teach you how He sees sex and ask Him to help you agree with Him. (Another helpful thing is to continue to expose yourself to biblically-based books and blogs that are sex friendly. You need to challenge and change your thinking. Check out “Tip Me Over” http://bit.ly/GPfBe3 )
You body: One part of the equation is just choosing to be sexual. Your mind can block the awareness of arousal, but your body will get aroused and in time your body’s response may help you open up to the possibility of enjoying sex. You might let your husband know that you want to grow/heal sexually and let him know that taking care of him is a good first step for you. Let him know that you are making baby steps. Learn to pleasure him and let that sexual exposure be a part of changing your mind. Intentionally explore what feels good for you a little at a time. The important thing is to make yourself available and do something (whatever you can do).
If you are on hormonal birth control, that is most likely affecting your libido. Consider finding an alternative that doesn’t mess up your hormones. It’s not something many doctors will admit, but for MANY women, hormonal BC can be a real libido killer and make arousal difficult to seemingly impossible. It’s as if your body just will not respond no matter what you do. How much it affects a woman varies. Some women can use hormonal BC without problems, but amazingly, these women actually seem to be in the minority! >:( And unfortuneately, most women are not informed of this possible (and likely!) side-effect and don’t realize what’s going on until they come off and/or start talking with other women about this problem.
I think there are so many things in play when it comes to our sexual desire as wives: our mindset–the myriad of *issues* we face including stress, fatigue, mental health, health of the relationship, kids, infertility, etc… We are affected by any sexual history we had prior to marriage as well. There can also be guilt, unforgiveness, resentment, distrust and other unpleasant emotions. Any of these things can lead to a calloused and closed heart. Sex is such an intimate experience for a husband and wife. To be enjoyable I think we have to feel safe exposing ourselves, opening up to and offering ourselves to our husband. I know several women who have told me that they don’t like sex. In one marriage, the spouses have a warm relationship, it is a 20+yr marriage but the husband is very independent. He is somewhat authoritarian and the wife seems to be treated more like a business partner than *soul mate* in that they are both primarily focused on their respective roles, he as provider and she with the kids. They seem to have somehow lost *us* as priority. I think the wife in this case doesn’t feel enough of a real connection outside the bedroom to desire any kind of sexual connection inside the bedroom. I also think that she doesn’t fully understand or appreciate the importance of this part of the relationship. In another situation the wife was very promiscuous in her youth. Married 15 years she says she “loathes” sex with her husband. She says she has loathed it for the entire 15 years. 🙁 There are no issues with the husband. He’s a nice looking, kind, good provider who loves her to the moon. In her case I think she really needs to be *sexually redeemed* in order to reclaim her desire to be with her husband. She *spent* herself quite a bit sexually before marriage and that has caused some brokenness. Our sexual misconduct has to be dealt with. She needs to confess it to God and let Him heal those broken places in her sexuality.
I believe that if there is unresolved *baggage* in our hearts (sexual or otherwise) we will eventually want to shut down sexually. Author/Pastor Mark Gungor teaches that we, men and women, are “imprinted” by our first sexual encounter. Our souls define sex according to how we first experience it. That makes so much sense to me.
I had promiscuous past (and a toddler) when I married my husband almost 22 years ago. I knew that I didn’t have the gift of singleness and I was anxious to marry ( and not burn!). Even as a Christian I had no education or real concept of God’s design for marriage and sexuality. I liked sex pretty well before marriage [:(] altho I always felt guilty as my heart knew it was wrong. I was so happy to finally be able to enjoy God-ordained sex after I married! 🙂 I did experience some sexual redemption as I accepted that God had forgiven me and that He knew I wanted to do marriage His way. My husband and I enjoyed a satisfying sexual relationship, we would often say how thankful we were that our marriage bed was so blessed. But after a decade or so of marriage things began to be a little more challenging. We had alot of outside stressors coming against the relationship, little time to tend to our own souls and even less time for each other . Sometimes I just “didn’t have anything left” to give my husband. I don’t think it was so much that I didn’t like sex. I just didn’t like my husband. lol For sexual freedom to enjoy sex in marriage I think we first have to do our best to “guard our hearts” (Proverbs 4:23) against any and everything that would cause us to want to neglect the whole of marriage as a priority. All of the issues of our lives flow out of our hearts. Where there is low/no desire for sexual intimacy I think there is almost certainly some issue of the heart. We need to 1) know that sexual intimacy blossoms out of trust and time devoted to real communication and care of the relationship, 2) expect that there will be challenges to maintaining sexual intimacy, and 3) devote time to educate ourselves, reading and studying good books on God’s design for sex (both spouses). I read somewhere that it takes about 20 years for married partners to really learn one another sexually. Twenty years. That’s a long time to learn but the practice is awesome! 🙂
In the past nearly 22 years of marriage my husband and I have had some really difficult–tragic– life struggles including caring for both of my parents until their death, the suicide of our 14 yo son and my husband’s having 2 (brief) affairs with women (my friends!) in our small church. There is no reason in the world that we should still be married (and HAPPY!) except for the grace of God. We are nearly 3 years past the discovery ( AND END!) of the infidelity and I want to tell you that IT CAN GET BETTTER!!! The redemption we have experienced is nothing less than miraculous. God. is. able. Our sexual intimacy is the best it has ever been. It has been a rough and rocky road to recovery ( we are still on it!) but I feel a freedom, safety, closeness and love for my husband that I could never have imagined. I don’t want to just be married. I want to be married well. I want to experience everything that God has for me in marriage (and all of life). We are in this to win it! Til death do we part! 😀
We have a promise from the Lord that if we ask anything according to His will it will be done for us. It is God’s will that our marriage beds be gloriously fulfilling. He intended sex for our pleasure, that husband and wife nourish each other physically in a way that nothing (AND NOONE ELSE!) can. I want to encourage wives who are struggling. Do not allow the Spoiler ( the devil) to rob you of this life enriching experience with you husband. I just say ask the Lord to search your heart, show you what’s really going on there and to heal you of whatever has caused your sexual brokenness. He will be faithful to do it. I’m absolutely sure of it. 🙂
I agree with Lori that you need to figure out why you find sex disgusting. However, sometimes that can be hard to do. At different points of my marriage, I have not wanted to have sex. In each instance, I couldn’t necessarily identify why exactly, but now looking back I’ve been able to figure it out and thankfully work through it. So, here is my embarrassing list in no particular order. Maybe some of these will resonate with you.
Lack of energy. By the end of the day, who isn’t exhausted? The demands of kids and work and whatever else is going on can make even those with a lot of mojo lose their desire. For me, this led to resentment as in “Could you please just give me a break and not ask me for another thing today?” Potential solution – get help with what will pay you back the most in terms of energy restoration. I also liked what Sheila said in her book that sex actually helps with energy because it helps you sleep better, and is a good stress reliever.
It doesn’t feel as good as it could. My husband got some technique instruction on his own initiative. He found a Christian site that had some good information but I hesitate to recommend it because I was disappointed in some of their business practices. Maybe Sheila or someone else has some suggestions on this one?
(TMI warning for this paragraph) It can be “disgusting” in a physical sense… it’s messy. Sometimes the towels are not enough and leaking happens for a long time afterwards despite a shower. Potential solution – use a condom. I know most men prefer it without one, but if it really comes down to “no glove, no love”, I’m thinking they will choose the glove.
Another physical issue – hygiene. Personally, I find that freshly brushed teeth are a must. At first I didn’t tell my husband that because I was afraid of embarrassing him. However, my subtle signals were not working. I finally had to spell it out for him.
Guilt. Maybe over past relationships, or maybe over the fact that you don’t want to have sex in the first place. I know that when I feel like sex isn’t going well for us, I don’t want to do it, so I avoid it, which makes it worse and the cycle continues. I don’t have a solution for this one because it’s still a struggle! My guilt comes from dissociation, which is a pattern that I’m trying to break. It’s going a lot better, but when I “slip”, I am totally devastated and I don’t want to be in a position to fail again so I avoid the bedroom. Is there something that you’re feeling guilty about that is triggered by sex?
Body image issues. No advice on this one – it’s a daily struggle.
Not viewing my husband in the right light. If the chemistry is at a low point, it’s hard to fuel desire. What worked for me with this is remembering how much my husband actually loves me. He wants to be my “everything” (not in an ungodly sense, but hopefully you know what I mean). This on its own can be quite compelling.
When I was newly married, I felt the same way – sex was gross and messy; I had no desire to make love.
I had prayed about it, and I tried really hard, but the feeling just never went away – I was really worried that I would just live my life as the woman who hated sex, but faked it anyway to please my husband.
Then I broke down and spoke to an older woman friend about it. She helped me realize that the act of sex was
1. pleasing to God – He created it as a way to show, share, and experience love in a more emotional way between a husband and a wife. What we were doing is a good thing!
2. a great way (and an essential way!) to show my husband that I loved him. As with many husband’s my husband’s love language is physical touch. And when he knew I was not enjoying myself, it really hurt him.
So I had to change my attitude towards the act of sex. It is pleasing to God, and it is a great way to show my husband (in a way that is best for him!) that I love him.
I hope this helps you find some guidance and peace about this issue.
I have had the same experience in the past. I have been off birth control for a year now and can honesty say that it saved our marriage! I would beg my gyno for help and she told me to get my head in the game and I would try so hard. Now I try to not think about sex so much:)
I struggled with this for a long time. Looking back, childhood abuse (which I had gotten help for) was a big factor. When we were first married, I was also on hormonal BC, not knowing that it seriously decreased my libido, as well. After a while, I just wasn’t interested at all and rejected my husband most of the time. Eventually we went to a marriage conference (Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage with Mark Gungor. I HIGHLY recommend his program! He is VERY a “male friendly” speaker, which helped to convince my husband to go, too!!) and I realized that my lack of desire – and thoughts of “sex is disgusting” were really hurtful to my marriage. My husband is a wonderfully understanding man. As we talked more about this, we knew that the only way things were going to change was if we put God in the center of our love life. We began praying in earnest for this part of our lives and as we prayed and studied from a few Christian good books on the subject, I grew closer to my husband. And in turn, we grew together in our love life. The first few times, I remember crying as we laid together and prayed. I was so grateful for being able to finally love my husband in a way only a wife can do!! Today, I can honestly say that I love making love with my husband and look forward to and completely enjoy being so close to him.
It is SO worth putting the time and energy into committing yourself to becoming a student of your sexuality. Ask God for guidance every step of the way and He will give you the desire of your heart!! Be open to your husband, letting him know that you need his help in this area, as well. As you work together on this, I honestly believe God will draw you closer to Him and to each other.
I liked your breakdown Mary. I found it very helpful and identified greatly with many points. And whoever said they said they felt sex is disgusting, I would like that woman to know that she is not alone. Many wives struggle with this but are too embarrassed or ashamed to open up and admit it. Bravo to you for your courage. Most women won’t say it because other Christian women will judge them instead of helping them.
First of all, may I say thanks for your bravery. I’d definitely would have struggled with putting up a question like this. Honestly, when we first started, I really disliked it and was scared of it. It’s normal to have these feelings. Many, many, many women, especially newlyweds feel this way. Even the ones who’ve been married for a few years.
First, spend time in prayer (with and without your husband) about why you’re battling these feelings of disgust. God created sex to be a beautiful, wonderful thing between a man and a woman, a way of uniting them physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Second, perhaps you want to talk to a sex therapist or counselor to see if they could offer you any advice, maybe even a doctor, especially if you’re experiencing pain during intercourse.
Thirdly, what helps get you in the mood and what do you enjoy? Kissing? Cuddling? Passionate hugging? Pick something that helps relax and engage you to start and move from there. Ask your husband if it’s okay if you set the pace. Move however fast or slow you want. And remember, there are always things you can do too to please him without going into full blown intercourse.
Fourthly, ask yourself what you feel most comfortable with – what things you need in your atmosphere to make you feel relaxed, sexy, beautiful, etc – what words or actions your husband needs to do with you or for you – and what you might need for after sex for cleanup (i.e. feminine wipes, tissues, towels, feminine wash, hand sanitizer,etc- I keep many of these things handy in the bedroom). Open a window (if it’s not too cold outside) and have your favorite scented candle and candlewarmer nearby to turn on (or light without the candlewarmer) to help freshen up the room and wash the sheets right away. This helps get rid of any lingering scent or grody feeling when going to bed later.
Finally, remember that your husband loves you and he wants to enjoy you. Be open and be vulnerable and learn to let yourself go for his sake…and yours. Consider praying together beforehand to get you both in the right frame of mind. Discuss your fears/concerns/feelings with your husband and ask him to discuss his with you also, being open and honest, but also loving and respectful with your words. Ask him to be patient with you and extend him the same courtesy.
May God bless your marriage and your sex life!
WOW! This is so me! Or at least used to be……
I found that my libido issues were two pronged. First, the connection between my husband and I stunk. We were trying. We loved God and had a mindset that we were in it forever together. Then we found Dynamic Marriage Classes…changed our lives.
Second….my hormones were out of balance. Which for a younger woman could mean hormonal birth control can be sabotaging your desire.
It’s still not perfect, but my desire is much better. Fortunately, the repulsion is totally gone.
Most of my posts recently have been about reclaiming your libido. Check out: http://tinyurl.com/7p3u78m
First of all, let me answer the question in the title: YES, it CAN get better!
I had a similar struggle for many years, and not overnight, but over the course of years, God has brought SO much healing.
There’s rarely one answer that fits any one person, much less all of them.
Ask God to reveal the truth of your heart, your relationship, your circumstances — in HIS timing — and consider many possibilities…
– The attitudes about sex you picked up from your parents or peers
– Self-image, including body image or self-esteem
– Unrealistic ideas you, your husband or both have about what’s “normal” in the bedroom
– Unrealistic expectations from you and/or your husband that men and women function the same as far as arousal, response, rhythm, etc. goes
– Unrealistic expectations from a history with porn, romance novels, or modern media
– Something in your sexual history
– Something in your husband’s sexual history
– Something in your relationship’s sexual history
– Something in your relationship totally unrelated to sex that hasn’t been dealt with
For those who don’t have the “sex is disgusting” component, but just a lack of desire or arousal, consider…
– Depression
– Hormones, thyroid, hemoglobin, Vit. D, or other body chemistry out of whack
– Medications: birth control and anti-depressants are but two of many possibilities
You are heart, body, spirit and mind; all areas may need attention. Explore multiple solutions — ALL healing comes ultimately from God the Healer, and all true wisdom comes from Him, but He works thru many avenues:
– Counsel from and prayer with a wise, mature, Christian wife.
– Professional counseling, with a Christian basis (but more than just praying a certain prayer or going through a certain rite). I, personally, would not recommend going to a pastor with this.
– Prayer, scripture, journaling
– Medication and/or other medical treatment
– Talking things through with your husband
– GRACE for yourSELF
– Education from sources like this site, Sheila’s book, the book “Intimate Issues”, “Deceived by Shame, Desired by God,” etc.
– doing what you can, and trusting God to do what you can’t.
– learn some practical (but healthy) things you can do to help “rev your own engine.”
Hang in there; have hope; there are others of us who have been there and can testify that God heals!
I think that Jane gave some good advice. I would add to it that often since Sex is all in the brain for Women that I would look at becoming “emotionally naked” before trying to be physically naked. I would look at the connection that you have with your husband emotionally. Do you feel that you can be emotionally naked with your husband and does he try to be emotionally naked with you? Are there limits to what you can talk about?
Think about what was it in the past that made you feel on an emotional level interested in your husband. Focus on that feeling and what about your husband’s behavior made you feel that good feeling? I would start by talking with your husband about what you need to feel that way again.
Maybe you and you’re husband are not compatible to each other. You want things that your husband didn’t know. You must tell him what’s going on and I think he will do better.
So what’s a loving husband supposed to do during this time when his lovely wife is working through these issues? I try to be understanding…but after being married nearly 3 years, really struggling with sex over the past year, I’m feeling really undesired. My wife is gorgeous with a killer body…and she doesn’t mind walking around the house in little clothes that accent her amazing assets…but when I try to initiate or even just hug, kiss, playful pat on the butt…not being a creepy groper or anything…just normal husband like touching makes her embarrassed/annoyed. I should say we did have a baby girl a year ago so I know hormones play into it a lot…but the day we brought the baby home those didn’t seem to stop her from desiring me even though we couldn’t even have sex. I must also admit that I have put on some weight since our wedding, but I am also back at the gym every day and eating nearly perfect. I just want so badly for my wife to REALLY DESIRE me like she used to. Am I being too sensitive here? Help.
Talk to her. Really help her to understand in a non-accusatory way that you feel rejected. Work and listen to gain understanding of how she is feeling. After you both have understanding, then work on and talk through solutions together.
Remember that taking care of a baby is exhausting. And women are hard-wired by God to focus almost exclusively on their baby… You will need to talk to her to get her attention. And you will need to extend her some grace through the “baby years”. For a woman love for their children and husband are connected. You will have to talk to her about your point-of-view which is more compartmentalized – that is how God made men. We are to complement each other. Someone once told me that there are three ingredients for a happy marriage: give grace, grace, and more grace.
Praying for God’s blessings for your marriage.
I hate to say I have been there (where your wife is) and even now I find I sometimes recoil at my husband’s playful non-expecting touches.
I tend to wrongly assume that EVERY touch is a request for sex. So b/c I’m busy, tired, stressed, whatever, I recoil to send the message that I am NOT interested. So what I have told my wonderful DH is this:
Don’t take it personally. If you want to get me interested in sex, if you want to please me sexually, here are some specific things you can do:
Get up early on Saturday morning and get some yard work done.
Put the kids to bed for me.
Help me clean up after dinner.
Compliment me very specifically on my hair, my eyes, my smile (not my sexy figure), how clean the house looks, how delicious dinner was, etc. Nothing that would make me think it is a “line”.
And don’t EVER touch my backside or chest, or make sexual innuendos, even playfully, unless I’m already in a good & playful mood!
I hope that helps you understand what may be going through your wife’s mind. You may even have her read these responses and see what she thinks. Could be a good springboard for good and much needed communication!
Taking Vitamin E has helped me have increased interest. If you know about a women’s cycle, she is more desirous following menstruation, peaking at ovulation, generally two weeks after, then a dip (could be crash!) in desire till the next cycle starts. Always during my pregnancies, I have next to no desire, and even feel a little repulsed by it. Thankfully it’s just nine months!
I’m glad Jen said what she said about pregnancy & menstruation, and I would have to agree. During my first trimesters I tend to be absolutely REPULSED by the idea of it. However, b/c I love my hubby, I try, and then it passes as I move into my 2nd trimesters. And the same is true for cycles (not on the pill). Highest libido after menstruation, then drops. This to say that hormone levels change and DRAMATICALLY affect libido.
Also, other times I struggled w/ finding it repulsive was when I desperately wanted to try for children & my husband did not yet, so it was really hard for me to have any interest in it, especially b/c we use natural b.c. methods, so timing is crucial.
In the end, check your hormones, and check your head. Is there something going on in your head that is blocking you? Do you need to get a hormone test done at your OB/GYN office?
I hope things get better for you!