It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Are you shy?
I don’t mean scared at parties. I mean, do you have difficulty letting your husband know what feels good in bed?
Photo Credit: Meredith Farmer via Compfight
Even saying that probably made some of you blush! After all, sex isn’t really something we talk about very much. And it’s kind of embarrassing to actually tell someone–even if it’s your husband–what you’re feeling in that department. It feels somehow, well, wrong.
But it’s not!
It’s just part of being intimate.
Sometimes being intimate is something you have to grow into. It’s not something you all of a sudden learn as soon as you get married. We grow up knowing that sex is not talked about in polite conversation; we grow up assuming that good girls don’t talk about it; and if we don’t talk about it, we don’t FEEL it. We don’t have those feelings at all.
But we do! Even if it’s hard to tell him.
So take a deep breath with me, because I’m going to ask you to do something scary. I’m going to ask you to actually speak up.
That can be hard to do, because you may not actually know what you like. Many women don’t. And here’s part of the problem: when we get married, we don’t actually know how to touch each other well. Men tend to like touch to be rougher; women tend to like it lighter. So when he touches you, chances are he’s too rough. When you touch him, you may be too light.
What that means for you, though, is that he may touch you, and you may think, “Oh, that doesn’t feel good. I guess I don’t like that.” But maybe you do. He may just not know how to touch you, and you may not know how to show him.
Then you get in this habit where he’s impatient to “get on with it”, and you figure you may as well, because other things aren’t feeling good anyway. And so sex becomes blah.
Don’t settle for that! You were made to feel pleasure. Sex is supposed to feel good for you, not just for him. And when you feel good, it’s more of a mutual experience. It feels more intimate. And he will enjoy it more, too.
Some guys don’t always understand this, because they figure you should be able to get turned on just through intercourse, the way they do. If you don’t, there must be something wrong with you. Nope. There isn’t. It’s just that you require different kinds of stimulation.
During my 29 Days to Great Sex, if you worked through it from beginning to end, you did some exercises to discover what you actually like, and to show your husband the benefits of taking some time to touch you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s how to start:
Take a timer, and set it for 10 minutes (or 15, if you’re up for it). And ask him to touch you for that whole time. You can’t get “to the main event” yet. You have to just touch, because many women take a while to be able to relax enough to actually feel good.
Then, just concentrate on how it’s feeling. If he’s doing something too roughly, you have two choices: guide his hand and show him how it feels better, or tell him. Saying nothing is not an option, okay?
And then just FEEL.
Once you know what you like, then from now on, when you make love, take his hand and show him. That’s not being mean. It’s not being selfish. It’s not being demanding. It’s simply trying to make the experience mutual. And he’ll likely interpret that as you being excited about the whole thing, which can, in turn, be exciting for him.
Don’t be embarrassed. You’re supposed to have feelings. It’s supposed to feel good. And if you’re still scared to talk to him, here are some ways to make it a little easier (and giggle along the way):
1. Ask him to read this post
2. Throw a towel over your head and then tell him (if you just can’t look him in the eye)
3. Lie in the bathtub together, spooning, so that you can talk without having to look at his face.
4. Climb under the covers, giggling, and then tell him.
5. Leave him a note.
It doesn’t matter how you communicate; just do something! Ready?
Don’t miss my contest! If you like my writings on marriage & intimacy, I would love to come and host a Girl Talk night at your church–for free! Enter here.
Now it’s your turn! Do you have marriage thoughts for us today? Write your own Wifey Wednesday post that links back to here, and then leave the link of THAT POST in the Mcklinky below. Thanks!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I just starred on my internet browser your 29 Days challenge and will be starting it soon with my on-board husband. At the time you did it originally, we were super busy and had so much going on. We’ve now settled down and are ready to start this challenge! Thank you Sheila.
Awesome, Nicole! I hope you find it really useful.
Sheila, you have reminded me of something I have suspected about sex. I’m going to just spit it out… When I was dating my husband, we definitely did a lot more physically than we should have. But when you’re in that kind of relationship (and the physical stuff is new to both of you) you naturally take it slow. You kiss. You start feeling around. The guy figures out what works and what doesn’t work, and he enjoys seeing her response. (Trying to keep this clean here!) So in this sense, my husband and I were really able to grow together to learn “how things work.” I imagine that if you wait until you’re married to have sex, you suddenly go from barely any physical affection to having sex on your wedding night. And although from a guy’s perspective that might not be a problem, for the girl, it seems very abrupt. I’m NOT saying people should do what my husband and I did, but I’m saying that maybe newlyweds should take a lot more time initially to do the touching and exploring stuff before having sex. Maybe have sex on the wedding night, but then take it from the beginning after that.
Do you think this is true or that it’s a real issue? I’m not really sure, because, as I implied, I didn’t wait until marriage.
Leanne, I think it tends to go in the other direction. Many people who wait until marriage do take it slow, and make it quite romantic (and quite a few couples in my surveys didn’t actually consummate on their wedding night; they just played around and got used to things). But often when you have sex before you’re married it’s quite rushed because it wasn’t planned. If you want to wait until marriage, and then you don’t, it’s usually because something “just happens”. So those who have sex before they’re married tend to have a harder time with sex afterwards, according to my surveys. But with all stats, they’re just records of averages, not individuals. So any individual couple might experience something very different! And I think no matter what your sexual background, you can have a wonderful physical relationship when you’re married if you learn to relax, trust each other, and tell each other what you want!
Interesting! I never thought of it that way. Guess I was wrong.
I wouldn’t say “wrong”! I think the thing is that everybody experiences things differently, because we’re so complex. I think the average goes the way I described, but like I said, that only measures averages, not individuals, and I think many individuals could react the way you did!
Hi! I’ve been reading quite a few of your posts and really enjoy them. As a non-married early 20’s female, I’m curious about something. Does marriage dampen sex-drive for women? I’m easily turned on while making out, and I am really excited that one day (when I’m married) I’ll be able to go beyond the current boundaries. I want to have sex. Do most women start out like this or am I just more sexual? I just wonder because I can’t imagine getting married and not wanting to do it ALL the time.
Also, and this hopefully won’t contradict what I just wrote – sometimes when making out for extended periods of time, I’m initially excited, but after some time that dies down and it gets a little boring. Will that change with marriage?
I know I don’t need to dwell or worry about these things now (as I’m not even engaged), but I’d like to eventually head into marriage as a well-informed woman. I know what my friends have told me, but I’d value your well researched (and experienced) opinion.
Thanks! 🙂
I think a lot changes with marriage! And the main thing is just to have a really positive attitude about sex going into marriage, and expecting it to be worth the wait. Do some women lose their sex drive? Sure. But that doesn’t have to be you. And a lot of women find the opposite is true! So I wouldn’t worry about what happens to most women; I’d just anticipate it, believe it was made for you, and believe that one day it will be good in the right context, and everything else will take care of itself.
I can’t imagine ever losing my sex drive…..I’ve been ravenous for sex since we started having sex nine years ago. I don’t know what it’s like for other married women, but my sex drive is as high now as it was almost a decade ago, before we were married. And I’m on several medications that supposedly lower sex drive! I wouldn’t worry about losing your sex drive. Marriage makes sex better.
Also, “making out” does get boring after awhile. You have to mix it up with kissing. It’s not just limited to lip-to-lip.
My husband and I spent many years playing that “let’s just get this overwith” game. It got to the point where, while he wanted sex, sure, but it was too much work with not enough reward when I wasn’t into it. And I REALLY wasn’t into it. I could take it or leave it. I had extreme trouble orgasming. I also had difficulty just staying in the moment and giving my husband what he needed because the experience wasn’t exciting for me.I would say that your article hits it right on in that many of us women just don’t know how or are too intimidated to share what we like and don’t like…as if its going to be an insult to our husband’s and their abilities if we say, “Could you NOT do this?” or “Could you touch me here?” Don’t be afraid to speak up! If your husband really cares about pleasing YOU and making that a priority in sex then he will most definitely welcome your feedback! I can say without a doubt that, while we had many issues in our marriage, this lack of communication and “feeling” in the bedroom was one of THE issues that lead to my husband’s infidelity. You have to talk things out and make sure that you are both giving your spouse what they need.
I recently wrote a post about sex on our blog which you can read at http://marriagelifeministries.org/?p=776 .
Thanks for being willing to talk about this important subject!
Alecia, I love that analogy: “The let’s get it over with” game. That’s what it’s like for so many couples! And I just want to reiterate what you’ve said: if you’re reading this, and you’re playing the “let’s get it over with” game, it honestly can get better. Really and truly!
I know I’m here a little late, but since this is a top 49 posts of 2012 I suspect it still gets a fair amount of hits. My reply is directed to Alecia ostensibly also to all women who might come across it. I put it under your reply hoping you would see it too.
“Could you NOT do this?” or “Could you touch me here?” Don’t be afraid to speak up! If your husband really cares about pleasing YOU and making that a priority in sex then he will most definitely welcome your feedback!” Absolutely true. Here is the catch though. Feedback based on what data and obtained how?
Perhaps you read in Cosmo or Redbook how your husband will probably like doing certain things and having certain things “done”. They may be right on some or all things, depending on your husband. One thing that is very likely true is this: Your husband will know what he likes, doesn’t like and also some things he thinks he might like.
Back to you now. Do you know what you like? How can you communicate what you like if you don’t know? You may have to put some individual effort into finding out. You may want to get familiar with your own fixtures and plumbing before you try to direct someone else as how to fiddle with your sconces and faucets. Where do you want them to touch them and how do you want it done? If you have no personally intimate knowledge, then it will be extensive trial and error.
Spending a certain amount of time experimenting can be educative and pleasurable in its own right. I have no problem with a test spin. At some point though, you have to quit making wrong turns and begin to head for a destination. Ever been in a car with a lost man without a map or who won’t ask directions. Driving around lost gets frustrating after a bit. He doesn’t bother asking you directions because past experience has taught him you have no interest in reading your map and aren’t familiar with the route either. Now the only thing he is interested in is getting back on a familiar road so he can put the car in the garage and all you want to do is get home and take a shower. No wonder neither of you will be looking forward to a pleasurable drive next time. You’ll be staying on the familiar, well-traveled, rutted road and forgetting the scenic route.
You can’t show what you don’t know. To make matters worse, you know what you don’t like………….. or do you? How do you know you don’t like it? Have you ever tried it? “No” or “Yeah, once before.” Perhaps you didn’t “like it” because it wasn’t executed well, or you didn’t expect it to “feel good” or “it” may take some getting used to, as in it may feel good if you get out of your inhibition zone and allow it to feel good.
Good girls are allowed to enjoy sex too. Give yourself both the knowledge and permission to enjoy it, yourself and your husband.
Sheila, I definitely think that sex is a sensitive subject. It’s thrown around so frivolously in our culture, that there are all of these misconceptions and expectations around it. Definitely one of them being that we should just instantly have amazing sex, but it’s just not that simple. It’s encouraging and refreshing to hear you discuss such a vital part of a marriage with honesty, truth, and grace. I like the practical tips you’ve given too for how to start the process of expressing and discussing what you feel pleasurable as a wife as it relates to sex. Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for the encouragement, Ashley!
Ladies, take it from a man-
We WANT to know what you want. We can’t read minds in the kitchen, we can’t read minds in the living room, and that lack of competence at mind reading also extends to the bedroom. We can sometimes gauge the response of our wives, but if you’re faking there, you’re working against us giving you want you want.
Don’t be shy. Sheila’s suggestions for how to have this conversation are great. Tell your husband what you like, what you might like to try, and what just isn’t working. There’s nothing a man enjoys more than making sure his woman enjoys the act of sex too, and it’s even better if she enjoys it MORE (you ladies are biologically equipped to like it in ways we men cannot even dream of). But we may need guidance to help make it as incredible an experience as it can be. Your husband isn’t going to judge you- he’s going to want to try it out IMMEDIATELY. Trust me on this one.
Thanks, Phil! (and ladies: listen to him! Take a deep breath! You can do it!).
Hi Sheila
I would just like to underline what Phil has said. All the men I know want their wives to be totally enthralled by sex. Men want to to know what you like and what you don’t like. We understand, just a little, that while we are perfectly happy with two pairs of shoes for our life, you want about 22 pairs and you like to change your shoes to suit your mood. We understand that what you want in bed may well have to change to suit the mood too, as often and as variably as your shoes. But we need your help to tell us what you want. So please, don’t just lie there, say something.
Oh, that would have been a better title for this post: “Don’t Just Lie There–Say Something”! I wonder if I could change it now?
AMEN!
Phil and Fred are speaking the truth.
Just last night, Hubby and I had an interesting conversation… I said “when you help clean up the kitchen, and help take care of Peanut, and pick up the living room… these things are so very sexy for me!”
He looked at me, and said, “I’ll remember that, so long as you remember that I’m not like that.” He then went on to tell me what was sexy for him… and we chuckled that we were so different.
I’m getting better at telling him what I want and how I like it. You’ve given me the tools to speak up! Thanks, Sheila!
You’re welcome, Rachael!
This is such an important subject, just the idea of speaking up! I can’t believe how many couples have been married for some time, they share a life together, and they never talk about sex. Also as in any communication, let him know what feels great. Relax into it, so you can feel the pleasure and let yourself groan or smile, or say, “thaaaat feeels soooo good!” A little positive reinforcement goes a long way. 🙂 In fact, a text message the next day while he’s at work might make his day too. “Thanks for last night. I’m still tingling thinking about you!” You may find that nothing makes him feel more masculine than truly pleasing you.
Great post, as usual Sheila.
“Also as in any communication, let him know what feels great. Relax into it, so you can feel the pleasure and let yourself groan or smile, or say, “thaaaat feeels soooo good!” A little positive reinforcement goes a long way.”
Gina, you are so right. Tthaaaat sooouuunnnds soooo good to us.
Put your head under a towel? Haven’t heard that one before. Is that personal experience talking? lol We used to read books about sex together cuddled on the sofa. Was definitely easier to talk that way, when we didn’t have to look at each other.
Ha! Not exactly personal experience, but more from some of the emails I’ve had recently! Some women are just really, really shy. And that’s okay! But you still need to speak up. So do what you have to do to speak up, even if it means hiding your face. Once you start speaking up, it really does get easier! 🙂
We don’t really have a problem communicating what feels good/doesn’t feel good physically – our main problem with communication regarding sex involves what we’re feeling emotionally. We’re working on it, though.
This is such an important talk. God created sex to be enjoyed, but so many people including Christians have a skewed idea or are hampered by past experiences, fear, etc. Your posts are helping so many. 🙂
During our sessions I don’t usually – well sometimes- have a problem asking for something, EXCEPT when it has taken me a LONG time to get aroused. Then by the time I’m really feeling it, he has O’d and then there is the usual let down of intensity. I know if I asked him to do something for me, he probably would, but it seems entirely self centered because I could also just as easily move on as well- its not like I *need* the orgasm to feel pleasure.
We’ve been married almost five years and we’re finding that communicating about sex is a constant thing. What feels good may change, or you may fall into a little bit of a rut and need to try something different. And then there’s pregnancy sex. If there is EVER a time for good sex communication, it’s pregnancy! LOL I have to be very specific with him about how I’m feeling, what I’m capable of, and what he can do to make it easier for me or work around whatever pregnancy-related issue I’m having. So it’s actually a really good exercise in telling him what I want in bed.
Learning to tell him what I want had to start right away – before we were married I absolutely loved when he’d kiss my neck. But after we were married, it was like an immediate switch got flipped and I could not stand it! The first time he went to kiss my neck on our honeymoon I shrieked and jumped away because it tickled so bad! It has ever since. So weird!
That happened with me and my ears. It drives him nuts that I can’t stand it now. It’s pretty annoying to me too because it used to be one of my favorite things and I can’t figure out why it isn’t anymore.
Awesome read
Your title reminds me of a story I once heard; don’t know for sure if it’s true…
A medical intern was assessing a female patient in the University clinic. Among other required questions, he asked her the necessary, “Are you sexually active?”
She gave him a strange look, then replied, “No, I usually just lie there.”
(Which, now that I think about it, could have two meanings!)
Fiance and I are getting married in under two months! Thanks for your blog! I’m excited to have these tools once we are married. I can be a very shy person so sometimes I need someone to just say “Hey, it’s okay to say what you are feeling! DO IT”
So thanks for that 😀