Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s an issue that many women have raised with me:
I really need at least eight hours sleep, so I try to go to bed by 10:30. My husband, though, likes to stay up late playing video games. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice if I announce I’m going to bed, even if I try to do it sexy-like. He doesn’t get the hint, or else he says, “I’ll be up soon”, but he doesn’t come up to bed until 2 in the morning. By that time I’m asleep.
How can I get him to see that I want our marriage to be great, but I just can’t wait until 2 in the morning to have sex?
Great question! Be sure, of course, that you’re not “Turning Your Husband Off” all day and giving him those vibes. But assuming she’s not, what should she do?
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
UPDATE: I’ve written some more posts to help with this issue. Here’s one: My Husband Plays Video Games Every Night, and here’s another: Adults Need Bedtimes, Too.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My husband has always gone to bed much later than I have and we have been married over 31 years. I crawl into bed with him every morning to wake him up….When we had children at home, we just found other times during the day. But like Sheila wrote, you have to make sure you aren’t turning him off during the day by trying to be his Holy Spirit, mother, or competitor but his wife, supporter, and lover.
It seems like Lori is blaming the woman here. Perhaps the husband should make some effort to go to bed when his wife is. And what is modest about telling us what time of day she is intimate with her husband?
I agree with Lori – find other times during the day to have sex. It doesn’t have to be right before bed.
My husband actually wants to go to bed earlier than I do most of the time, because he’s used to working jobs that start at 7am or in one case 5am, but it used to be the other way around. I would try as hard as I could to stay awake until he was ready to go to bed. If he was playing video games, I would lounge on the sofa with a blanket and pillow, bleary eyed. I have never been able to sleep well without him in bed with me. It’s comforting to have him there. We always snuggle throughout the night.
Having sex at 10:30 doesn’t mean your husband has to go to sleep right after. Make sure he realizes that he can go back to playing video games as you drift blissfully to sleep.
This is a great point, ellen. Often the only time I get to myself on any given day is very late at night. There have been seasons where I would go to bed with my husband, then get back up to spend some alone time. Great solution!
We have been in the same spot before. It’s easy to get into a rut with this & realize the consequences later. We had to have a talk – because he doesn’t take hints well. I had to explain that I have to get sleep, and I had no problem with him staying up late, but if he wanted any “extra curricular activities”, it had to happen by a certain (reasonable) time on weeknights. He could go back & play his game more or watch TV afterward, but it was unfair to expect me to wait up or wake up whenever he decided to come to bed. It helped that I explained that I WANTED him to take that break & be with me. It took a little practice, but it worked. 😉
Remember too that guys can get apathetic towards sex like we can. They can’t read minds, so communicate in whatever way you can without nagging. Communication is key.
My hubby likes to stay up and play video games when he doesn’t have to work the next day. I’ve found I have to be VERY specific about what I want, for example:
“Babe, please come and pray with me now. I’m going to bed and would like to pray before going to sleep.” or
“Honey, I want to jump you now! So save that game and come with me.”
or
“Hubby, I want you to come and snuggle me before I go to sleep. Will you save your game and come snuggle me for a few minutes.”
I’ve also learned that a grunt doesn’t mean he’s heard me. In fact, I can get a coherent answer and it doesn’t mean he’s heard me! But, I’ve been given permission (we talked about it) to ask again in a reasonable time frame if it doesn’t look like he’s responded.
But, we have talked about all this, and what we desire and hope for, and what we expect. If I want him to come NOW and do something, I need to say so. Otherwise, I must plan to give him a few minutes to get a good stopping place in his game (I’ve played them, too, so I know that he can just pause, but its nicer to go to real “stopping” place). And no hints… say the words, all of them, of what you want from him. This conversation gets rehashed on a semi-regular basis, as we need the reminders — for him to move his focus, for me to actually say what I want.
And we almost never wait till night to ‘get it on’. We are both beat by then. Afternoon nap time is the best time for us, but then we only have 1 almost 1 year-old who still naps twice a day.
After just over a year of marriage, the novelty has worn off for me. I don’t mind initiating because I know it’s good for us, and it’s always great once we’ve started, but when life is super busy, mostly filled with work plus responsibilities related to my new blended familiy, sex just feels like one more thing to do.
My husband never complains. He is happy to read, but it’s no substitute for marital intimacy. I think I need to teach my husband to be the one who says so if he wants me to come NOW and do something. He’s very good at that with other things, but usually just waits around for me and eventually drifts off to sleep — so passive. Actually, I find the passivity a turn off — I want him to give me a compelling reason to come away from the computer or the kitchen or whatever, and it has crossed my mind to teach him to speak up more, but after reading these comments, I’ll make a point of it now.
I am coming at it from a husbands point of view but very similar circumstances. For years I stayed up late but 5 years ago I decided I needed to lose some weight and started to get up at 4:30 or 5:00 to walk or eventually start running. I did this so it wouldn’t affect the rest of the family since they would still be asleep. This meant I needed to go to bed by at least 10:00 or I couldn’t get up.
For three years this worked great, she would come to bed with me and since she was more of a late owl she would sometimes get back up after I went to sleep. This gave time for sex and I still got to bed at a decent hour…… Unless it was a particularly intense time that took longer than the average – in which case I didn’t complain 🙂
Now the problem like hers. I still am trying to go to bed at 10:00, but she doesn’t want to go to bed at 10:00 even just until I get to sleep. I don’t like going to bed by myself, and if I want any chance at sex I have to stay up late to get it. I have begged her often to have sex at other times of the day but she refuses because she doesn’t like to have sex when or teenagers are awake because they will know what we are doing, plus see doesn’t like to have sex with the lights on to begin with so daytime is just that much worse for her.
I have had to spend many days at work extremely tired just so I could be close to my wife.
I knower I am not offering help, but I wanted to offer my expenses to show that for some couples other times of the day don’t always work either….. Plus I would like to see what others are suggesting.
Thanks for reading 🙂
My DH works until 1 or so in the morning and I have a 3 year old so I can’t stay up so late. And for a LONG while, we weren’t intimate because he didn’t want to wake me up because of me getting up early. And when I got up early, I didn’t want to wake him up because he works so hard. We had to sit down one day and talk about our lack of intimacy. And now he realizes that if he wakes me up, and I’m responsive, by all means, lets get frisky. If I roll over, try again tomorrow. I also, try to wake him and initiate some mornings. Doing things at other times of the day isn’t possible with our 3 year old. And during his naptime, DH is already gone to work. So I understand.
So my advice is, talk to your wife. Tell her you miss holding her. Maybe she can wake you up when she comes to bed for a cuddle or more. And on some mornings try to get up super early (before dawn) and wake her up for a cuddle or more.
My hubby is a night owl too. 🙂 We had to figure our own rhythm with that, since I am definitely NOT a night person and need my sleep!
I had to come to terms with the fact that my husband – and most guys in general – does not take hints. Not subtle hints, not blatant hints, not objects thrown at his head (although that doesn’t work anyway LOL). I had to actually tell him what I wanted, and while he was distracted by TV or computer games wasn’t the time to have that conversation. Because then he was annoyed and distracted. So I talked with him during another time of day when I had his attention. The arrangement we came to was if I was ready to go to bed before he was, I’d tell him. Straight up. Then I head upstairs to wash my face etc., and he has a couple of minutes to get to a good stopping point if he’s in the middle of something. Then I whistle from the top of the stairs (quieter than calling out to him since our 2 year old is asleep) when I’m done with my routine and he comes up and tucks me in, we pray, he kisses me goodnight, and then he’s free to stay up as late as he pleases and I’m left alone to sleep.
Now, when it comes to sex, if I’m gettin’ in the mood and he’s all distracted by TV or a game or something, that’s when I really have to remember that hints don’t work. I can’t just say “I’m going upstairs…” in a come-hither voice if he’s distracted. Doesn’t work. So I asked him, “What would work for me to let you know I’m interested in having sex when you’re distracted?” And he told me. It comes down to, I pretty much have to physically jump him sometimes, but it’s kinda fun! And then he knows what I want, then we both get what we want, then I go to bed and he either comes to bed with me or goes downstairs for a while longer.
So really, it’s communication, communication, communication. And talk at a time of day when neither of you are tired or distracted. It might feel like an awkward conversation to have, but it’s soooooo worth it to get past that frustration.
My husband has a lot of sleep issues so he is sometimes just going to bed when I am getting up! He at least is coming to bed about 5 hours after I go to bed. I wanted to post a comment so I can follow the other comments! 🙂
Like so many other posters my hubby too stays up much later than I do. And yes – my hubby does not take subtle hints well either. I’ll say I’m going to bed and he says “I’ll be there in some minutes”. Well often “some minutes” is an hour or more, when I am now a bit ticked at him and sex is no longer on my mind. Now unless I am fast asleep we always cuddle before we drift off because he values the intimacy as much as I do, but it is important to remember that they really CAN’T read our minds – and in most cases our body language or in some cases verbal cues either. They are not clueless – they are just not wired in the same way we are.
If I have something in mind – I have to be VERY direct with him. I find – “I’m going to bed and I strongly suggest you do too” works. Going upstairs, slipping into something sexy and coming down for a drink of water works too… 😉
It took me a while to be comfortable doing this though. I used to pout when he could not guess what I had in mind because I gave him “the look”. Once we realize that often our hubbies are not rejecting us – they are simply oblivious or focusing on something else at that moment – we can relax and ask for what we want. I am secure in the knowledge that if it is offered, 95% of the time it will be gladly accepted. I just know that I have to be the initiator in our relationship, and coy is not a language he understands. It is just the way it is.
I have tried this! Being direct doesn’t work. I am 21. I come out in some if the lingerie I wore on our honey moon in hawaii. I am trying. But he decides to stay and watch football. I am hurt. I feel rejected and self conscious. What do i do? I get men who stare at mw when we are out but i can’t even catch my husbands attention.
We “go to bed” at the same time every night, whenever the first one of us is ready to call it a night. Then after talking/sex/cuddling/reading together, the person who is ready for bed drifts to sleep and the other person gets up and goes about the rest of his/her night.
We also “eat dinner” together every night, even if our schedules don’t match up. If one of us works late, the other one eats at a normal time and will then join the other person at the table while s/he’s eating.
I love that idea.
My husband’s sleep schedule is really messed up, especially when he’s not working. Sometimes he goes to bed right as I’m getting up. If I want to get busy before I go to bed, I make it very clear that is the plan. I might say, “I’ll be upstairs. Naked.” Going to the bedroom doesn’t have to mean he’s going to bed right then. Or we pick other times of the day. If it’s that you just want to snuggle, ask him to come snuggle for a little bit until you fall asleep. Then he can get back up and go back to gaming.
I’ve also learned that my hubby doesn’t mind being awakened for sex, whereas that would make me so NOT in the mood. So for us, it works for me to initiate in the morning. He wakes up long enough for a little fun and then goes back to sleep, and I move on with my day.
This is the same as my husband and I! Tell him that you can’t stay up past a certain time, and that if he wants to have sex he needs to make sure it happens before a certain time. I know that I’m not my best at 2am or even 11pm. I am a much better lover when I’m not exhausted. For me, mornings can be the best time of day! This of course is generally when he sleeps later than I do, but most men don’t care what time of day they have sex. All they want is an enthusiastic partner. Initiate it in the morning! Believe me, he won’t mind one bit!
First off, it seems to me that the priorites are wrong in the marriage and the husband seems to be self seeking in his own desires to do his own thing. We are to put God first then our spouse. If we have our priorites out of place in our marriage then we will see areas in our marriage get neglected…like intimacy and sex. I believe both spouses need to sit down and have a discussion about their needs and priorities in their marriage. I can’t imagine not feeling valued and loved because my husband had chosen video games over spending time and being intimate with me… I can understand this scenario happening every so often, but it seems to be an ongoing struggle. As the wife, you need to be in constant prayer for your husband that his heart would change and that God would show him that you as his wife would be his priority. I mean, can you imagine if God said to us…”I don’t want an initimate relationship with you because I am too busy doing something else.” Husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves His church. Our marriage is an example to the world of God’s love. God’s design for marriage is that it would be a reflection of Him and the intimate relationship we are to have with Him. This husband needs to be selfless and put his marriage first above video games….
I’m so thankful you posted this. I kept looking at all of these other women making excuses for their husbands’ selfishness and even promoting it. My husband does the same thing. I’ve voiced my distress to him many times, even in tears, telling him how I feel rejected and of no value to him because he chooses to stay up into the wee hours playing video games instead of coming to bed with me. I do not feel like a priority in his life. I do not feel cherished or loved, and I’m struggling, after three years of this behavior, to keep up my part of the marriage. It’s terribly hard to be encouraging and helpful when I feel so neglected. I know that I must continue on obeying God’s design for my role in marriage, no matter how my husband acts…..but my heart is heavy from sorrow, and at times, I am burdened with deep feelings of rejection. I’m learning that Christ, alone, is the One who fills that need for acceptance in me…. Honestly, I am truly struggling to stay connected at all to my husband
Two things that we’ve had to figure out: (though we typically go to bed at the same time)
1. Almost every night, I ask my husband what his “EBT” is (estimated bed time). This gives me an idea of how to plan my evening. It also tells me if he’s busy, tired, etc. This came about after much frustration of him saying “I’m going to bed” and I hadn’t even brushed my teeth or anything. On the same note, we always give each other a 10-minute warning before going to bed.
2. If I do go to bed earlier, he ALWAYS “tucks me in,” and vice versa. This gives time for chatting, connecting, etc.
So it might play out like this, “I’m brushing my teeth.” (meaning: 10-minute warning) Spouse isn’t ready, so, “Come tuck me in.” We literally use those words. 🙂
When we first got married, I worked nights. I ALWAYS went to bed with her. We talked, we snuggled, maybe we made love, but I was there with her till she fell asleep. Then I got up and did whatever till it was time to go to work.
BTW, if doing this means he does NOT get back up, it means he’s not been getting enough sleep!
My husband also likes to stay up late and watch tv or other things. I have always loved going to bed early. I realized that we were not connecting so I had to talk to him.
One thing he said that he felt that the time at night was when he could do his thing. (play games, watch his tv shows…etc) I asked what he thought of putting the kids to bed early or even letting them watch a movie or something so he could have his time from 7-9 instead of much later. Then we could have time together. It also helped when I told him that I felt bad when he wasn’t with me. He didn’t think it was that big of a deal.
I also have to add that I started to pray about it. And how I would approach the situation. I wanted to be honest and open but no accusing or demand my way. I just wanted a chance to talk about it.
We compromised. We do end the night together. Somestimes he does this thing before and sometimes after. But we are working on having some “us” time no matter what.
My husband and I agreed 2 years ago (when our marriage was recovering from a meltdown) that we would always go to bed at the same time every night. He had been going to bed later than me, but it was actually his idea to start going to bed at the same time. If he is not ready to go to sleep when I am, he takes his laptop up to bed and watched something for a bit before he falls asleep. I can’t tell you how nice and good for us it has been to be able to go to sleep with each other near every night. Now, there are some instances where one of us isn’t feeling well or is really tired and will go ahead to bed, but that is only isolated instances.
I think it’s all about communication. If you can’t just tell him that you want him for sex, show him! Put on some lingerie and stand in front of the tv! My husband will sometimes get up when I am going to bed, but we pretty much have a rule that if either of us is interested in sex, then we do it!
I think it’s important to try and synchronize bed-times, however hard it is. It’s the “work” part of marriage me-thinks. There is something powerful, intimate and connecting about going to bed together, making that a habit, not an exemption.
I agree with other commenters that the late-sleeper can join the other spouse in bed and snuggle until the he/she sleeps. Then wake-up and do other things. Sometimes, the early sleeper can also lug blankets and pillows and hang out with the other as she/he watches TV on the couch. The point is to just be together as the day ends.
My hubby has had crazy work schedules the last one year – coming in from work at 3am and waking up at noon. Since i work from home, I would stay up and wait for him. Other times, I slept and woke up when he came home. His schedule has recently changed and it’s now better. But he’s often the night owl. There are times when i curl up in the couch and doze (he’s sweet enough to carry me to bed!) or he comes to bed with me and then wakes up after i sleep.
We plan our intimacy nights. It makes things a lot simpler. I get the rest I need and I can look forward to it throughout the day which puts my mind in the right perspective.
We do this too. We have 4 very small children, so by most evenings sex is the last thing I want to do. He can be left wondering if tonight’s going to be “the” night. I am less spontaneous than my husband, so it helps me to be mentally and physically prepared, and the assurance of what’s to come gives him something to look forward to.
Thank you to all who’ve posted; tremendous ideas & info to act on. My question is this: why can’t my husband read *my* body language & hear *my* verbal cues, but if a suggestive TV commercial or magazine ad comes before his face he takes notice? Even when I’m in a nightie & putting on a show he’s looking around my body to see the TV! (It’s usually a Lowe’s or Home Depot commercial…)
I hate television! If he’s addicted to tv, maybe you could propose something the Berenstein Bears did – ban tv for a certain amount of time to try to rebuild intimacy in your marriage. An addiction to tv is just as bad as an addiction to drugs or gambling or anything else – it drains and tears down marriage and family relationships, as well as being harmful to the individual and destroying his spiritual well being.
Some guy decades ago, when television was first invented, said that it could be used for good purposes (education, etc), or it could be used for very harmful purposes (propaganda, indoctrination, sleazy and immoral purposes) – it has definitely taken the latter route.
People who make commercials are professionals at 1.) getting attention and 2.) creating a need when there wasn’t one prior. That’s their job. So if your husband doesn’t pick up on your cues, but does some seductive woman trying to get him to want the latest taco from Taco Bell. It’s because the person who created that commercial spent MANY hours and GOBS of money at school and run extensive tests to see just HOW suggestive a person has to be to get the average consumer to NEED their product. We, women, can’t compete with that. I had a similar problem with my DH. So I came out and asked him one night. I asked him if he thought I was unattractive and whatnot. (this was soon after our son was born, TOO hormonal and emotional for that conversation.) He was floored. He didn’t even KNOW I’d been hinting. So, for him, I have to be physical with him. Generally now, if I nibble on his neck he gets the hint. Or sometimes, I will whisper what I want in his ear. This way he can’t SEE my blushing, though I KNOW he feels it against his cheek. Since I’ve been very obvious about it, it’s been much better. Some days aren’t good, and he’s too stressed or he’s too tired. But he loves the fact that I’m into him so much, he’ll still cuddle with me.
I find the question and comments interesting, but there is a point that doesn’t seem to be addressed–the husband who feels his wife is being too pushy, nagging, or bossy (or fill in whatever word works) when she initiates. It’s a bit like if she initiates, he feels like he’s being told to do something. And since husbands want to be the “chaser” and the “chase-ee,” it doesn’t go over well. So sometimes, she initiates, wears the lingerie, says all the things he likes to hear–and gets rewarded with a wonderful night. And then other times, she’ll do it all again–and then get nothing. THAT is frustrating. Though most men will want to have sex at the drop of a hat (if you get their attention), there are those that don’t. I don’t get it.
By the way, Sheila, I read your book and really appreciated it. You gave a lot of great insights and there were many places where I could relate (“Been there!”). I’ve read several of your blog postings here too. But, I’m still finding that my husband doesn’t seem to fit any of these reasons why he might not be interested.
Since most men will answer their cell phone texts, I will often text my husband a sexy message clearly stating what I desire or let him know I have no clothes on etc. That usually gets his attention right fast. 😉
We have some friends with this exact predicament. He complains regularly (in private to my husband) about not getting enough sex, but she goes to bed willing most nights, while he stays up until all hours playing video games. I am generally able to easily see the husbands point of view with sex-issues, but this one is beyond me. I’m glad you got some other good suggestions, because all I can think of is maybe writing a sweet letter, starting with how much you appreciate him, specific things he does that are masculine and attractive, and then say how much you miss the intimacy part of your life and if you could perhaps arrange a time on certain nights each week to spend some time together (maybe an hour or two) before he starts playing video games.
Reading the question I kept thinking, “I could have written this.” We’ve been married 16 years and this described at least the first 12. First, I want to encourage you that there is hope. We started seeing a counselor for our marriage in general. That taught us better ways to communicate with each other and the health of our relationship improved. He now tucks me in and fairly often comes to bed with me but will get back up if he doesn’t feel ready to sleep. If we’re going to be intimate that is the best time for us.
I can tell you what doesn’t work–nagging, guilt, anger–been there, done that. Above all, pray, pray, pray.
Why not take him on the couch? If you have kids, wait until they are really asleep. Your husband will be super excited at how spontaneous and free you’re being!
My husband also stays up late playing computer games and sufing the web mainly as a way to avoid spending any time whatsoever with me. We haven’t had sex in nearly 3 years, at his insistance I might add! Not at all willing on my part, but then I don’t matter to him. I’ve given up on him ever changing. Yes, I know God could work a miracle but I seriously don’t think He will.
I have read many of the posts on here and I can so relate to this question!!!! My husband too likes to stay up really late to play video games but our situation is much more extreme than this. He likes to play eight hours straight which leaves him going to bed sometime in the morning (like 7 or 8 in the morning). I have to get up and take care of our son when he wakes so I can’t stay up all night. this puts our lives on two different schedules leaving little time to do anythign together. I wish I could give a foolproof answer but this is still a struggle in my marriage. (my husband is asleep now from staying up til nine in the morning and it is his day off-which means I am spending another day alone). I think what is important is sitting down and having an honest conversation with each other about what is bothing each other in your marriage. To avoid “you” statements and use phrases such as “It hurts me when” Or “I feel ignored and unwanted because”. Then work really hard on the things he says are bothering him so he can see your effort and hopefully he will be more motivated to work on the things that are bothering you. And most of all do not speak to him like you are his mother or boss but as a loving and supportive wife. I understand my husband needs to cool off from a stressful day at work but playing video games for eight hours straight is not okay for a married man. While that is fine for a bachelor life sometimes you have to do what is best for your family. Limit it to three to four hours and then go to bed with your wife. hope this woman works it out. I am working on it with my husband myself. It takes time, but anything worth doing always does.
Men often have trouble adjusting from bachelorhood to married life. My husband still struggles with wanting to do things “his way,” when I want to do it “our way.” Sex is such a wonderful and precious gift, but it doesn’t have to be limited by night time. Try setting the alarm a half-hour to 45 minutes earlier in the morning and enjoy it then. If you’re not morning birds, set aside time when he gets home from work. I find sometimes that making love together right away helps me be refreshed to make dinner and enjoy the rest of the evening.
But it sounds like the problem is that he isn’t noticing how important this is to you. Take some time to pray first and think through your words. Then take him out to lunch or dinner, or go on a romantic walk together and explain your frustrations to him calmly and respectfully. Make plans to find a time that works for both of you on both of your schedules. And remind him how much you love him and enjoy the feel of him. Men want to feel appreciated and respected. Remind him how his video games will always be there. You won’t always be awake. Sometimes you have to be firm – sometimes I have to literally sit on my husband’s lap and block the computer screen and tell him I need him. And remember to do the same for him – are you always available when he wants you?
My husband and I always pray together before bed regardless of whether both of us are going to bed or just one of us. I’d highly encourage incorporating this into your nightly routine. Spend 5-10 minutes together praying and talking with each other nightly. God’s blessings!
This situation sounds so familiar and yet I have not seen any posts pointing towards porn as a reason to stay up. In my situation, he said he was staying up to work late but the reality was that he was also surfing the web looking at porn and “taking matters into his own hands”. This behavior robs a marriage of intimacy in so many ways. After finding some evidence on our computer, I confronted him and he was convicted about his behavior. Fortunately, my husband was open to my questioning and has since started getting up early in the morning if he has extra work he needs to get done. We always go to bed together now and it is a huge blessing to us both. I truly feel the Lord has worked in both our hearts to turn this situation around. My husband sensed a wall between us (me not wanting to have sex) and rather than push himself on me, he turned to other methods. I have worked hard to learn more about my husband’s need for intimacy. There are many amazing resources out there such as books and blogs like this blog. What I have learned has changed me as a wife and has greatly enhanced my marriage. My husband is more willing to listen to me and cherish me and I am more willing to meet his needs for intimacy. Keep working towards unity through prayer and sacrifice. It is possible.
I have friends who struggle with this! What a great post.
My husband isn’t into gaming, so I’m speaking as an outsider looking in. But I have to say–hearing you guys talk about a man giving 4, 5, 8(!!!) hours a day to computer games is shocking. That may be pretty common, but it isn’t normal or healthy. A psychologist friend just told me of a study where video games lit up the same areas of the brain as hard drugs. (I don’t have a link for that study…bad journalism, I know. ) 🙂 but my point is that at some point an intervention is necessary to rescue the man from an addiction that is eating years away from his productive life, much less his real-life relationships.
If your husband HAS to get online for several hours a day and has withdrawal symptoms when he can’t, I would get counseling ASAP. Often a gaming addiction can be a sign of depression, too.
Think about how much a person can accomplish in 6 hours a day! He needs to be inspired about where his life and family could be by using that time to read or spend time with his wife, or invest in other people’s lives, or sleep so his day job was more productive.
Imagine how I felt to have my husband do this to me on our honeymoon. Between reading and computer gaming, he’d spend 8-16 hours a day for our entire honeymoon.
And then complain he was too tired to spend half an hour having sex with me every couple of days.
I can understand he’s stressed about adjusting to married life, but the real problem isn’t that he he played games and ignored me the honeymoon – it’s that he thinks it’s NORMAL to do what he did. I am forbidden from saying in any way that what he did was wrong or not acceptable or just plain cruel (which is what it is).
After six years of no sex from losing my first husband to my wedding day to my second husband, I waited despite how hard it was, and I get to our honeymoon, and he spent the first week grumbling about how half an hour every couple of days was too much, and no sex at all for the second week (no intimacy of any kind). Anything I tried to initiate, he was “too tired”. Yet he could play computer games all throughout the night some nights and then sleep all day, and then spend the rest of his time reading books for hours on end.
But apparently I’m the freak for wanting to have sex once a day on our honeymoon and wanting to go out for a few hours to do activities together (which he flat out refused to do).
According to him this means I have an abnormally high sex drive and obsessed with sex and bordering on a sex addiction – simply because I want sex once a day on our honeymoon when we weren’t even doing anything else. But he sees no problem with playing computer games for 8-16 hours a day.
And he won’t deal with it. He keeps promising to see a counsellor, but has outright said if the counsellor says what he did on our honeymoon (playing games all day and night instead of doing stuff with me) is wrong, then the counsellor is a bad counsellor and shouldn’t be saying stuff like that. So what’s the point??? (in seeing a counsellor I mean).
I mean, I understand his love of games… I like computer games too. But as a single parent for years (I have a child from my first marriage) I would never neglect my responsibilities for a computer game. Nor would I neglect my marriage. And I certainly wouldn’t choose playing computer games all day over spending just a little bit of time with a spouse begging to spend time together, especially not on a honeymoon.
My husband loves video games. He used to stay up late playing them almost daily. I think video game companies set it up to “hook” people/kids into continuing to play and wanting more and more. When my husband plays he has to find a “save point” or he loses everything in the game he worked for previously. I wonder if your husband is getting so enthralled with the game that he is passing the save points? My husband and I worked out a rule that he will only play on weekends or for a certain allotted time. I *gently* remind him that it’s time to find a save point when the allotted time is almost over. It’ something we have both agreed on because I was hurt and frustrated that he was staying up to play games or spending hours on his game. I got ignored and it was causing me to withdraw from him.
I do have to add, after reading more of the other answers to your question, my husband previously cheated on me. When he was cheating, he would stay up late to supposedly play video games while I was in bed. Let’s just say after awhile it turned into much more than just playing video games. He went down a path he never thought he would. If you suspect something, you do have a right to ask. You can’t control your husband, but you also do not have to tolerate cheating or suspicious behaviors. Let him know how his behavior makes you feel.
Turn off the internet, unplug the cable. Period.
Having this problem with my wife, but I see it differently. Sex isn’t a problem, we have lots of sex. The problem is my wife being a dictator of my alone time and sleeping schedule. She likes to go to bed at 11, but I’m not tired then. I absolutely enjoy staying up an hour or two past her so I can unwind by myself and enjoy a movie or a game. I don’t get that time. It starts a half hour after she goes to bed and she starts texting me asking if I am coming to bed soon. On top of that, I end up getting up earlier than her anyway. It has been addressed many many times, but it always comes down to her needing me to come to bed vs. Me needing my alone time. I like compromise and we have already compromised that this doesn’t happen every night. However, after a couple months of this compromise, she is infringing it further and I feel there is no more room for compromise on my part. She says make my alone time at a different time of day. I work 9-5, then make dinner, spend time with her and our son until he goes to bed at 8, and we’re watching Netflix or something until she goes to bed. What other time???? She has even recently said “Your alone time isn’t important.” I am at my wits end here. People needing my attention 24 hours a day is seriously putting a toll on me, and I know it is affecting my mood and how I act towards my wife. I need 1 or 2 hours just to put my brain on a shelf and be a guy.