Every weekend I like to throw up a question someone sends in and let you readers have a go at it. Here’s a question that I’ve received from quite a few people with different variations, so I’m going to write a composite, and let you all go at it!
For financial reasons, my husband and I have had to move in with his parents. They’re a lovely couple, and I know they love us, but I find it very draining. We don’t have any privacy. Nieces and nephews will often walk into our bedroom unannounced. My husband feels like he has to talk to his parents all the time since we’re living in their house, but then the two of us get no time.
To make matters worse, I’m really uncomfortable having sex. Our bedroom is right next door to theirs, and I’m always worried about noise. What should we do?
I’ll add that about half of these women have kids who are also sharing the bedroom, and half do not. So what are your thoughts? How do you find privacy when you’re living with extended family? And what do you do about being nervous to make love?
Leave your thoughts in the comments!
And don’t forget: The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex makes a great gift for any woman about to get married. So if you’re going to a bridal shower this spring, bring it along! And it makes a great Mother’s Day gift to yourself, as well! I’m sure your husband won’t mind :).
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
What a difficult situation for everyone. Please know that you are likely not the only person who is a bit uncomfortable with this living arrangement. Your in-laws have possibly been the only people in their house for a while. Having other adults under your roof for an extended period of time becomes trying for everyone. Patience and understanding is key. Regarding people walking into your bedroom unnanounced, use the lock on the bedroom door. Install one with your in-laws’ permission, if there isn’t one. If the nieces and nephews are old enough, put a sign on the door that nicely says “keep out.” Plan sex for times when your in-laws are out for an hour or two (grocery shopping, church, etc.) Since you’re living with your in-laws to save money, make sure you are doing just that. For time alone, you and your husband can plan inexpensive activities like a walk in the park, kite flying, picnics, walking around the mall, insist on cooking dinner for the in-laws (noone else allowed in the kitchen), etc. You should have in place a specific financial plan that gives you a good goal for when you will be able to be on your own again. Having a goal in place offers hope in a seemingly hopeless situation.
I think figuring out a way to install a lock on the door would be critical! Those knobs with locks aren’t very expensive and they have them at Home Depot or Lowe’s. What about some music or a white noise machine to help with feeling self-conscious about sounds?
My first suggestion would be to get a lock on the door. Let your children know, when they are old enough, that when the door is locked, they are not allowed to knock unless it is an emergency because mommy and daddy need some private time. Next, save up money so you can get your own place as quickly as possible! Invest in a fan to drowned out any noise.
If you absolutely can’t have any time to yourself in the bedroom, don’t make sex just an in-the-bedroom thing. Get adventurous. Have sex at work. Have sex at the park. Have sex on a hiking trail. Have sex in the car! Maybe get in the shower together, or lock yourselves in the bathroom and have sex on the counter.
I agree with the others that a lock is important, and scheduling time to be alone. If you are able to be alone in the bedroom, find out ways that are quieter (for example, if the bed is squeaky, try the floor or a chair).
My guy and I had sex at my parent’s house too many times to count. There are ways to be discreet. We even had sex in multiple rooms of the house, as well as the backyard. Don’t let something like living with family ruin your sex life. There’s no reason for it. There are so many ways to work around it and work with it.
While your idea to have sex in other places, I would warn everyone that having sex in the backyard, on a hiking trail, in the park, in the car, etc. is illegal. You could easily find yourself arrested with embarassing charges if you were caught. And besides, even if you think you won’t get caught, as Christians we are to be in subjection to the governing authorities which would mean we are to follow the government’s lawas even if we won’t get caught.
The one idea that you suggested is excellent, which was in the bathroom. And if noise is an issue, do it in the shower. The noise of the water will help mask some noise.
Oral sex is illegal in many states – 18 states, I believe. In one city, it’s illegal for a married man to talk dirty to his wife during intercourse. In one city, it’s the law that you must wear a condom if you have sex with Satan. In one city, it’s illegal for a woman to ask a man out for a date. In one state, it is specifically illegal to have sex with a porcupine, while in another state it’s legal for a man to have sex with an animal as long as the animal is under 40 pounds. In the latter state, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a virgin under any circumstances – including on the wedding night. In one city, it’s illegal for a man to shoot a gun while his female partner is having an orgasm. In one state, it’s illegal to have sex with the lights on. In one state, it’s illegal for people to have sex before they get married.
There are a lot of ridiculous sex laws in the United States. And most of them – for example, oral sex, sex with the lights on, talking dirty, having sex on your wedding night even if your wife is a virgin – these things are done regularly by law-abiding, moral citizens. I don’t think that any normal person with a healthy marital sex life would encourage people to never have sex with the lights on, or to never engage in oral sex, or to never talk dirty – actually, in every Christian blog about sex I’ve ever come across, those things are encouraged!
Jen, I understand what you’re saying, but I do think there’s a difference between what you do in your bedroom and sex in public–like on a hiking trail. What if children came upon you? I think there’s a broader issue of just protecting public decency and not opening yourself up to a situation where you could really severely embarrass–or even traumatize–a child who may see things that he or she shouldn’t see at that young age. That’s really the issue. If your backyard is fully fenced in, and no one can see, that’s one thing. But a park or hiking trail, even if you think you’re alone? You can never be sure. So that’s something else entirely.
Noise — we had some different people staying with us, and Peanut still waking up at night. And these folks were staying for business reasons, so I couldn’t just let Peanut cry, and I wanted to minimize the disruption to their sleep. In came the box fan. We have two box fans that are amazingly loud, even on the lowest level, and its a nice low drone. If you start using it every night, and any time you go into the bedroom and close the door, that some of those times happen to be intimate times is less obvious.
I’d second (or third…) the lock on the door. And make sure that closed door are respected (except for emergencies). If the grandparents have their door closed, its respected. If a teen has their door closed, its respected. Establish some basic ground rules. I’d bet you guys aren’t the only ones frustrated by this situation.
My wife and I were in this predicament for 6 months after our house sold, and we didn’t yet have a new one purchased.
1. Lock on the door! This is a must (we agree with everyone above!)
2. Stereo or TV noise helps to cover “other” noises when you want to be intimate.
3. Respect for your hosts goes a long way! When they feel respected in THEIR home, hopefully they in turn will realize that you want the same thing they want – a little privacy!
That respect can take many forms… first and foremost, clean up after yourselves. When your kids make a mess, either instruct them to clean it or do it yourself (if they are still very young.) Reserve the parking place of honor for the home owner – unless they OFFER it to you. Clean the bathroom regularly, ESPECIALLY if you share it with the home owner. And if this is to be a rather extended stay in their home, save up for a night in an inexpensive hotel every now and then – and make arrangements for your kids to stay either with your hosts or a good friend! Then MAKE ALL THE NOISE YOU WANT! 😉
No matter what your particular situation looks like, walking in humbleness is the key!
Jason is absolutely right. Humbleness is crucial. And these folks may not be in a position where they can save up for a night away. Their priority would be to get on the right track financially before anything else and they may not have any income or such small income that there is no room for any luxuries. However, they should sit down with the in-laws and tell them that they miss having alone time and would like to work out something where they have the house to themselves for an afternoon or evening every week or two. The in-laws should be able to get out of the house and leave it to them. Then they will have some privacy. They don’t need to be told they want them out so they can have sex. The in-laws can figure that out on their own. They should easily understand that people need time alone, often just to be alone, not for sex or anything specific.
1. The bathroom is a great hide -a-way spot because knocking before you enter is ingrained into us early on. It can afford you some privacy and noise coverage.
2. In the old days make-out sessions in a car were the stuff of legends, now they can be quiet get-a-ways that allow you and hubs to reconnect, talk, and spend some very needed “alone” time on a budget. Find a nice secluded spot.
3. Let the kids “camp out” in the back yard for a night or two and get that bedroom to yourself! What they think is a fun spring time activity for them is really “quality time” for you and your spouse.
HAVE FUN!
I just had an idea, for couples with kids looking for alone time – talk to your parents/hosts about them taking care of the kids for an evening once a week while you have a “date night” in exchange for you picking up a household chore they would normally do, like mowing the lawn on Saturday mornings. Because I’m guessing you probably feel guilty asking them for anything since you’re living in their house – which is totally understandable! But you’ve still got to make your marriage a priority during this time. And with a little creative thinking you could probably come up with a fair trade. 🙂
Great idea, Melissa!
White noise works best when it’s nearer to the ones who shouldn’t be hearing your noises, than it does when it nearer to you. So, offer your in-laws a white noise machine fortheir room, so that you and your children don’t disrupt their sleep.
Make sure your bed is on the wall opposite the wall that is shared with their room – and put cushions on the back of the headboard (I used spray adhesive and regular cleaning sponges).
My husband and I have lived with his parents since we got married which has been a year and a half now. It could be a nightmare, it could be a lot worse than it is, but I totally understand not having privacy and feeling awkward about making love. I’ve had to just get over it and that hasn’t been easy. We can go to our room and close the door and most of the time my in-laws won’t bother us but it’s still hard knowing that we are restricted to our bedroom. His parents are just in the other room and even just having that knowledge makes me feel like we have a lot less privacy. We can’t be very creative in the bedroom (and definitely not outside of it), we have to be careful about arguments, I don’t even feel free to cry when I need to because I don’t want to upset his mom or have her asking me what’s wrong. I feel like the growth in our marriage is at a stand still in a lot of ways because there are just certain things we can’t experience until we are on our own. Thankfully, we will be moving out soon!!
Just getting over it is not the advice I want to give though that’s really been what I have had to do. It’s only a temporary situation (Lord willingly) and just something to get through. Though we haven’t had to, maybe you could consider putting a lock on your bedroom door. And maybe you’ll have to communicate to his parents and other family that when y’all are in there and the door is closed that means no interruptions. When our door is closed that is the message it sends to his parents and thankfully they respect that. Also, learn to cherish the time you have to spend with his parents while y’all are living there. My hubby and I will go out into the living room with them and watch a movie together, talk, or play games. It can be a lot of fun and good family time! Then me and my hubby will go to our room, close the door, and spend time together alone. We’ve come to cherish our time in bed before going to sleep (and I don’t mean just sex). We talk about our day, tease and flirt, and cuddle. Eventually you figure out how to make it work for everyone but evenso I am SO looking forward to having a place of our own and being truly ALONE!
Oh also, if you want a few minutes of privacy where you absolutely cannot be interrupted, jump in the shower together! Not only is it sexy but it’s intimate and I love having that alone time with my hubby.
I hope everyone who is in this situation can figure out how to make it work for them for the time being. It’s hard, even when your in-laws are great, and takes some time to get used to. Heck, I lose my mind every now and then and my in-laws are not monters! I just try to remind myself that this is temporary, that I love them and they love me, and that there are ways for me to grow and learn through this not-so-ideal situation.
Wonder when the parents get some private time and how are they coping with sex with company there all the time? Older couples have the same needs as the young! Same suggestions should he
lp both.
We lived with in-laws for a season after we moved countries.
We used the lock on our door. The children slowly learnt to respect our privacy after weeks of knocking on the door and being told we couldn’t play at that time.
We used the TV (although i found it quite distracting!). At first, I had no idea just how thin walls are, having come from a house built in concrete. But I learnt quickly!
We took long walks and went out as often as we could afford.
But truth is, the arrangement is still not easy on the owners of the home or guests. Two different lives being woven back into one is not easy. Moving out as soon as possible should be the goal.
all i can say is find a place of your own asap…families were not designed by God to live together ever…..it will not work……i am not beating on you…..i understand why you did it, but i think you need to be on your own asap….
That’s not necessarily true. In a vast number of cultures throughout time, extended family lived together. This has included as many as the grandparents, the great grandparents, each of the sons and their wives and children (the daughters would go to live with their husband’s family). It’s not uncommon, and who’s to say that these other ancient cultures are wrong and our very young culture is right? Especially when we’ve been wrong about most things. I wouldn’t base what’s right and wrong off of modern western culture – and that’s what your argument is.
I’m not saying that I want to live with extended family – I don’t – but I kind of take offense to your statement that families weren’t designed by God to live together “ever.” Throughout the entirety of time it has been a custom in a vast number of cultures – including many, many Christian cultures – for families to live together. This isn’t an issue of wrong or right. It’s an issue of necessity, of culture, of time and place.
I agree completely with Jen! Yes, married couples are to “leave their father and mother and cleave to one another” but that doesn’t necessarily mean not living near or with each other. I believe it’s more a state of mind than anything. Throughout most of history and most of the world still, extended families live in close community with each other. It is much more normal and perhaps healthy than our version of “reality” which is two parents and a few kids.
I agree with many of the comments above, especially having a lock on the door. This is an absolute must.
Another thing to consider is taking showers together. When we visit family, my husband and I often shower together. We can both go into the bathroom, turn the water and the fan on (for noise), and spend time naked together. Its a fun way to keep things interesting.
The other thing we do is to make it a priority to retire to our room early most evenings. We eat supper with the extended family and talk a little while afterwards, but then we say goodnight and go back to our room. That gives us time to relax and talk together (and do other things). No doubt our relatives appreciate this as well, since they don’t have to stay up and entertain us and can go about their own business.
I understand the concern. My husband and I lost our home and then couldn’t afford to pay rent for a rental home so we had to live with friends. Like most commenters, a lock on the door is a must. The box fan is a great idea (we used it), our room was off limits to everyone unless they asked permission to come in (even our own children!) It was our sanctuary. We moved out ASAP to a small rental home so my husband could be the head of his home. We didn’t have any issues with staying with our friends, we just knew it was best for our spiritually well-being, best for our marriage, and best for our children to have our own place.
As was mentioned by several others, I’m sure that these couples aren’t the only ones feeling the lack of privacy while these living arrangements are needed – but, when you start to respect that there are two married couples here, both with the need for intimacy, perhaps you could develop some signals: “Y’know, mom and dad, tonight would be a GREAT night for you guys to take the kids to a movie / out for dinner / whatever” and of course, provide the finances necessary for them to help you in this manner. Just remember that the reverse is also important: when the hint is dropped that THEY need some time, do your best to give it to them. Additionally, because they’re helping you out with accommodation, you should definitely bend over backwards to help around the house, or with groceries, errands, etc.
And YES, put a lock on the door!
Cultures all over the world have “live with extended family” situations, but that certainly doesn’t make it ideal. There are countless cultures that do things no one would ever call good or right, but they still do it. The Bible says to ‘leave and cleave” once married.
That said, my husband and I have found ourselves having to stay with family on several occasions during the eight years we’ve been married. Never for an extended period of time, but a couple weeks is enough to understand why God commands the leaving and cleaving! It is difficult juggling being respectful of their wishes and desiring your own identity and fulfilling your needs as well. Right now, we’re “stuck” with my in-laws due to car problems- we can NOT get home yet! We’re all in one room with our three kiddos. Every night. Every day during naps our room is off limits. Did I mention my in-laws are Italian? Yeah, that doesn’t help the privacy! 🙂 I know the stress, but you CAN make it work.
Communicate- even in a situation with minimal privacy, find a way to keep in touch emotionally. We’ve texted and emailed, simply because we can’t use our voices. 🙂
Be creative- our room has a self-contained bathroom. A couple blankets on the floor after the kids are asleep… it works. 🙂
Be respectful- Even though this seems harder on you, it is stressful on the host also. Try to show appreciation for their sacrifice as much as possible. When they feel appreciated, they’ll be more willing to show you the grace you need when you need it.
Set boundaries- Remember the “big Italian family” that is my in-laws? Just because our parents or siblings knock, doesn’t mean we open the door. Not easy for them, but sometimes, we need a moment of silence, and not always for sex. Just silence! We’re not allowed in their room at all hours- it makes sense that it goes both ways.
This is long, but I really hope it was able to help a little! Remember, God’s in control and has His hand on your life. Even in the less-than-ideal situations, we can grow and learn. Think of it as an adventure you will have survived together! 🙂
To live with extended family has never meant that leaving and cleaving isn’t an option. Even Focus on the Family made that observation – that all throughout the Bible there were multigenerational homes, but that is different than an issue to do with “leaving and cleaving.” When you are having issues with boundaries and a spouse hasn’t practiced the whole “leaving and cleaving” thing, it means that a spouse is letting his/her parents influence marital decisions, interfere with the marriage, etc etc. Multigenerational living is not the same thing as codependency or not placing boundaries and being one in your marriage.
I’m in the same boat. You aren’t alone. Lots of couples are finding they have to live with their in-laws these days because of financial reasons.
Here’s what’s working for us:
1) When we first moved in, we had a sit-down conversation with the family about ground rules and what their expectations were and ours. If you haven’t done this, do it and see #2.
2) LAY GROUND RULES. If your nieces and nephews are old enough, explain to them that YOUR BEDROOM (bathroom, any other rooms that are yours) is OFF-LIMITS and that they are required to KNOCK FIRST. If they aren’t, sit down with their parents and ask them to explain to their children the importance of giving you and your spouse privacy. If you really feel uncomfortable, see if it’s possible to install a lock mechanism on your bedroom door for when you two are in there getting “alone time.”
3) Talk to your husband and be honest with him about what you’re wanting, desiring, and feeling uncomfortable about and see if you two can find some solutions together. If you have an issue with a particular in-law (like I’ve had a few minor issues with my mother-in-law and brother-in-law) talk to your husband first and have him intercede on your behalf or at least stand there while you confront the in-law.
4) It’s natural for your husband to want to interact with his family and talk with them. Use this time to get to know your in-laws better and to bond. BUT… let your husband know that how important it is for you two to have time together and tell him why. Don’t get defensive… just be honest and respectful. He loves you and he wants the truth from you and he needs to know what you are feeling and thinking (as he’s not a mind reader). If you feel like family members intrude too much on your time or that he spends too much time with them, love on him by telling him how you feel and working out a plan together for how to handle problems when they arise.
4) About Alone time – I know the feeling. See if you can work out a deal with your in-laws about having the house to yourself one night a week for a couple hours. If money permits, try to arrange a date night for you and your husband at least once a week also. There are plenty of free date options too: walks around the neighborhood, picnic in the park, free events in your area, etc. I mention some $5 or less date ideas on my blog. Specify a time where you and your husband can get alone time together daily without interruptions and explain this to your family members – that under no circumstances are they to disturb you unless the house is on fire or someone is seriously ill or injured. Remember you don’t have to feel obligated to answer the door if family members knock. You can just politely tell them that now is not a good time. If they don’t respect that, sit down and have a talk again.
5) About Sex – See if it works to get the house to yourselves one night a week and use that as your “sex” night. However, most couples want to have sex more than once a week. :o) Try talking to your spouse and explaining your fears, insecurities, awkwardness and see if you two can brainstorm some ways to make it more comfortable. See if you can find a way to muffle sounds (i.e. playing background music, having the TV on, pillows against the door, etc). If at all possible, try and find times when other people aren’t in that area of the house. Also remember if you’re living with your in-laws… they probably enjoy “getting busy” from time to time themselves or they remember what it was like to be young and in love so if your sound carries a little, don’t worry: you are married and sex is expected and should be pleasurable so relax. If you’re concerned about “little ones” hearing, don’t worry. Chances are they probably aren’t… and if they ask, have something worked out between you and your husband for how to answer their inquisitive minds (i.e. “Uncle Adam and I were just enjoying some couple time together…” without an elaboration).
Everything takes a period of adjustment… so address big ticket issues now so that you don’t run into future problems or find yourself getting more and more frustrated and exploding one day. Communicate your feelings and thoughts lovingly and respectfully to your spouse and talk to your family members together as a couple so it doesn’t just feel like you against them. These things take time, patience, and LOTS of communication. So hang in there, girl friend! I totally understand.
Throughout the world, and even in America until a couple of generations ago, your situation is way more normal than abnormal. And somehow, babies still get conceived and life goes on. I think all the suggestions are great, like a lock on the door, planning for private time, etc.–many of which most couples are doing once they have kids anyway. But probably the most important is the psychological advice to just “get over it”. That sounds crass, but in truth you really do have to get over the mental hurtles and anxiety more than anything else and make a way. So more than anything, I’d work on the attitude and put some of the practical advice into practice. “Just do it” as Nike so succinctly says! 🙂