I usually try to take care in my appearance. I put lipstick and mascara on because I feel prettier. I try to wear something attractive. But I’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t been ironing lately or washing any delicates (I put a lot of stuff in delicates that probably doesn’t need to go there), so my wardrobe lately has been T-shirts and jeans. And when I feel frumpy, I get grumpy.
I think it’s because that’s not how I want to feel about myself. Those of you who worked through my 29 Days of Great Sex series from February will remember this, but one of the first things I told you to do (I think it was Day 3) was to name 5 things you LIKE about your body. We’re so used to naming things we hate and fixating on the things that we’d change that we forget what we really like. And of all the challenges–from playing to foreplay to orgasm to just talking and praying–that was the one that I had the highest number of people saying, “I just can’t do this. I can’t find 5 things.”
Ladies, that’s a problem. When we don’t like our appearances or care for our appearances, we stop taking pride in ourselves. And then we don’t feel like wives. We feel like moms and maids. That sets a bad precedent for ourselves, but also for our relationship with our husbands.
I remember in university I used to put on makeup everyday. I’d curl my hair (especially my bangs; remember those days?). I rarely wore jeans.
Then came the babies and I lost my curling iron. I got a bob hairstyle that required no work. And I started dressing kind of boxy. The holes in my ears grew over because my girls would pull at my earrings. And I stopped wearing necklaces because they’d pull those, too, and break them. So I felt frumpy.
A few years ago a friend of mine, who tended to be rather dowdy, had an emergency and I had to head to her house to look after her kids while she headed to the hospital. When I arrived at her house, I did what I always do when I’m at someone’s house for the first time. I check out the pictures (I’m just nosy that way). And I couldn’t believe how stunning she was! All of these pictures on the wall and she looked like a model. She sure didn’t look like that in real life.
And then I realized that this is because when we get those family pictures taken, we don’t want to remember how we looked on a daily basis. We want to remember how we WANTED to look on a daily basis. We dress up and do our hair and makeup, even if we never would in a million years normally. So we look our best in the posed family portraits.
I am now going to show you a posed family portrait from about 1999. Remember, this was the BEST I looked. This was top notch. And here I am (hey, I even found a necklace!):
I know a large part is that I no longer have babies. When you’re exhausted it’s hard. But it’s also because one day I woke up and said: I don’t want to be frumpy anymore. It wasn’t just about my husband; it was about me. I wanted to feel better for me. I don’t think it was a vanity thing; I just wanted to feel like I was appropriately valuing myself and taking pride in myself. And when I never cared what I put on, I gave the impression that I didn’t care about much of anything. And that’s how I started to feel. I became a completely different person. And I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I had once cared about myself, but I had let motherhood take that away from me. Now I didn’t have the big struggle that many have with their weight; I’ve always been on the small side, for which I am eternally grateful. But I don’t think this is a size issue. I think it’s a how-I-feel-about-myself issue. And feeling frumpy is no fun.
We don’t have to be frumpy, even if we’re plus sized, or even if we have kids, or even if we’re busy. As my daughter says, it takes no more effort to put on a pair of jeans that looks good on you than it does to put on a pair of mom jeans. It takes no more effort to put on a nice fitting top than it does to put on a baggy T-shirt. Same amount of time. But you feel totally different about yourself. And if you just don’t know how to buy clothes that will look good on you, or even where to begin getting a lovely wardrobe, The No Brainer Wardrobe is here to rescue you! It’s a great little book helping you choose the basics, and then learn to accessorize, so dressing every morning is easy. My favourite part of it was when she took the picture of an outfit she had pinned on Pinterest to a thrift store, and then figured out how to replicate it. She can help you build a great-looking wardrobe inexpensively, too!
Makeup takes effort, I’ll grant you. But I can go from no makeup to full makeup when I’m speaking for an audience in under five minutes. I can blow dry my hair in under five minutes. I never, ever take more than 25 minutes to shower, get dressed, and do my hair and makeup (that’s how long it took to get ready for picture #2). Sometimes I think we complain that it takes too much time, when it’s really that we don’t know where to start. But you don’t have to put on full make up everyday, either. Just a bit of lipstick can make someone feel so much more attractive.
Flylady, for any of you who follow her, always says, “put on your shoes!” even if you stay home, because then you give yourself the impression that you are working. You are not a slob. You have a purpose. And when you feel like you have a purpose, you tend to act that way. And so let me add to the “put on your shoes” two more things: “put on a nice fitting top, and put on some lipstick!”. It doesn’t need to take much. But it makes you feel more feminine.
It also shows our husbands that we respect them. You don’t have to be drop dead gorgeous; few women are. But when you take pride in how you look, it’s like you’re saying to your husband: “I want to look my best for you. I want you to be happy to have me on your arm.” And it shouldn’t be about looking better than anyone else; it’s just about making the effort because you care about him. After all, you’re the only woman he’s allowed to stare at!
Just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you have to give up being a woman. And I think that if we took just a little bit of time, we’d feel so much more invigorated, energetic, and feminine. It’s not a vanity issue; it’s an issue of respect for who you are and for who God made you to be. You are a woman. You are a wife. Those are both good things. Don’t put them on hold because you’re a mom, or a busy work woman.
I have a friend who is overweight, and she’s felt badly about her appearance for years. She’s tended to dress all in black to try to hide it. But lately she’s been going to the gym. She dyed her hair. And she’s started wearing colours. And not just that; she’s getting out of the house more. She feels better about herself. It’s a mental change, too.
What do you think? Do you feel frumpy? Do you fight the frump? Or do you think it doesn’t matter? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Don’t settle for mediocre in your marriage!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I took a friend with me when I went shopping a few months ago… we live in Florida, but my family was traveling to the mountains in North Carolina for Christmas, so I needed to get some warmer clothes. She helped me find a couple of great pairs of jeans that are more flattering to my shape… WOW, what a difference! I started feeling sooo much better. I’ve tossed some of my frumpy tshirts and wear more fitted shirts (not skin tight, just more flattering). I still weigh the same, but everyone comments that it looks like I lost weight. I’m even wearing my hair down more often and putting on make-up. My husband loves the changes!! My kids noticed the change too… my oldest was asking me why I was dressing so fashionable now. LOL.
Another secret… I bought a nice bra. One that makes me feel sexy. No one sees it, but it makes me feel more like a woman. Hey, our husbands are fighting plenty of visual temptations out there every single day… I would much rather him be tempted by me! 😉
Nicole, I should definitely write a post on the benefits of a good bra :). And I love the idea of taking a friend with you shopping. It really does help if you don’t know where to start!
This made me grin, because it reminded me of something that happened to a good friend of mine. She had been widowed a few years, when an old boyfriend called and wanted to get together with her. She called a girlfriend for advice, and her friend said, “Honey, the *first* thing you need is a new bra!” Love that!
It’s so true. My neighbor and I are both over 40. A couple of years ago we went shopping together and just went into the same dressing room together. You’ve never heard such cackling and giggling. After a little while she looked at me and said, “You make me feel so much better about myself because you wear a small size but you’re not perfect like the model in the pictures. You have cellulite, too!” We just burst out laughing. Those first few times shopping together really helped us both about our body image. We also helped each other discover which clothes were flattering for our figures. We either say, “Oh my gosh you have to buy that!” or, “BIG NO!” Now I love shopping for clothes and I get dressed and put on makeup every day. It makes me feel better about myself and my husband is proud of his wife. It really does make a difference. And I may not see my friend regularly anymore but when we need a special outfit or fall wardrobe we call each other and shop together
I love shopping with friends like that! It’s so much fun. Thanks for commenting!
A good bra always makes me feel happier and confident.
Amen! And can I say this is true not just if you’re big, but also if you’re small (and maybe especially if you’re small, speaking as one who was so happy to be a “C” cup when I was nursing!)? It makes you feel like you have an actual figure!
OMG! I’m going through this “change” right now! Been tossing “mom-clothes” left and right and replacing them with “current” items! And what a difference it has made! Not only in how I appear, but in how I feel and act!!! AND I notice Hubs “looking” a little longer as well! yay!!!
I love this! For a while I fell into the “frumpy” trap, but more under the disguise of pride. I thought by not wearing any makeup and not caring about what I wear I was somehow better than people who were just “so vain and didn’t care about what mattered and didn’t embrace their natural beauty”. (yeah, that’s embarrassing to admit, especially because I’m pretty sure that makes me most vain out of everyone!) Well I have since realized that just because you care about yourself doesn’t mean you are vain and I feel a lot better about myself when I feel put together. I want my daughter to know how to be fashionable and look nice (and feel good!) without being a hoochie, so I should model that for her! Not to mention my husband always notices, which is nice for both of us!
I second the comment about find a good bra too! Life. changing. 🙂
I have a friend who was very overweight years ago and said her husband never desired sex. She told me he had low testosterone. Well, she’s lost a ton of weight, got in shape, and looks fabulous. Her husband can’t take his hands off of her now!! Men are very visual and I think it is very important for women to understand that and do their best to look good for them. Another great post, Sheila.
Sheila,
Great post! I agree that when you have infants, you are exempt, but other than that, our marriages are worth a little time spent gathering clothes that are figure-enhancing and up to date. Consignment shops and even Goodwill stores are handy places for those of us who are on budgets. Thanks again for the reminder that it isn’t difficult to choose a more flattering/stylish option on a daily basis!
When I dress in a more-flattering way, I feel more attractive. When I feel more attractive, I truly believe my husband when he says I am beautiful 🙂
There are days when I have to wear a fleece with my jeans instead of a fitted shirt or cute sweater. On those days I make sure to wear nicer undies. My husband likes to discover one of his favorite sets underneath!
I love that, Karen! Lace undies with fleece. I can get into that.
Oh, I know about this all too well. for a long time, I just forgot I could be pretty at all. It was because of babies, for sure, but also some of that “pride” issue someone else commented on. I thought I should be all natural and that was good enough. Problem was, I didn’t feel or look good and it was more that I didn’t care to take the time than that I was being self-righteous about vanity.
I began to realize how much of a difference it makes to me when my husband is dressed nicely for work or going out, versus when he’s hanging around the house in his paint-splattered work pants and sweatshirts, hair sticking on end and face unshaven. I do not feel nearly as attracted to him when he’s a mess! So why would I expect him to feel attracted to me when I’m frumpy and don’t take any time with my appearance?
A couple of weeks ago I made myself a little challenge (inspired by the fashion blog Already Pretty) and wore a skirt or dress for a week. This is not easy in winter in Minnesota, but I had fun with it and got some new tights to go under the skirts. My husband complimented me regularly that week! He loved it. It has really helped to ignite a renewal in our love life, too. I’m back to wearing jeans most days because it’s cold in inter, but I make sure to put a cute top and some make-up on. I had to go buy some make-up because I only had a few lip glosses! And I still look natural, just cuter. I feel great, too.
I totally get the “cold” thing! I’m more a pants gal in the winter, even to church, just because I hate my legs being cold! But in the summer I love wearing skirts and dresses. And you’re right, it does make a tremendous difference with how we feel.
From a husband’s perspective, it also tells me that i’m important enough for you to pursue me.
Guys need SO MUCH to know, that you’re still interested in them. I find it a whole lot easier to find creative ideas/ways to show my wife how much I cherish her if i know she is thinkiing about/pursuing/treasuring me.
Thanks for making your hubby feel he’s WORTH IT!
This is great to read, Tom. Sometimes it feels “fakey” to put the time in to look pretty, and I wonder if men would feel that way too. It’s good to know it’s appreciated, instead!
What do you do if there is no extra money in the budget for new clothes? Or no money to buy cosmetics, or get a good haircut? That is where we are at right now and it’s really depressing! Sometimes I think people are looking at me thinking I want to look the way I do, when really I am feeling completely ugly.
Hey Laura,
I’m right there with you girl. Get on Pinterest. You can find all kinds of DIY (Do It Yourself) ideas for face scrubs (sugar, coconut oil, and vanilla extract are great), hair dos, nail tips, etc. that are free and easy. And, it helps. We’ve had tons of medical bills recently so our budget is really really tight. But, a cool thing my husband did was work out so that 2% of our income (after taxes) goes to me for “whatever I want” so I can go and buy something just for me. Or I can save that 2% and buy something big, a special pretty shirt (even if I don’t “HAVE” to have one, ie. I still have my post-prego clothes that “work”). Or little things like nail polish (doing your nails at home can sometimes make a big difference) or lipstick. It is just a season of life. But, little things help. Also, you can find places that will cut your hair for $12-$15 plus a tip. If you saved up for a month or cut something out of your budget for the month (maybe a special drink?) you would have the money for that hair cut in no time. Just wash and dry it yourself when you get home. 🙂 There are always hard seasons in life, but they are do able. Cheers my friend and best wishes.
Laura, I’ve always loved consignment stores and thrift stores! It’s not like we need a lot of clothes, either. Just go for some basics, and I always figure it’s better to have 5 outfits in your closet, and only 5, that make you feel wonderful, than 40 that make you feel frumpy. So just start adding clothes that will coordinate with black & navy & brown all well, but that make you feel great! Even if you get one or two things at a thrift store every month, it can be fun. And part of the fun is the hunt.
Right now Target stores have clothes and make – up on clearance for cheap and with coupons really cheap ! CVS stores have great deals too . Bath and Body works have trial size lotions for free sometimes. You can even get samples by mail fo lotions , make-up , perfumes ,etc. Just sometimes taking a shower and putting on mascara and lipgloss helps me .
Get on craigslist to see if any salons in the area have training classes where they offer free hair cuts. We are under a very tight budget and I’ve been doing this for about 6 months. Some even offer color for extremely cheap. A little research goes a long way. good luck!
I love all the ideas in reply to your question. We’ve been there on the extremely tight budget, too! But I think if you start putting your mind on this, praying about it if you pray, and putting some life energy toward it, you’ll find little ways to make it work and add in some items to make you feel pretty. Whether it’s thrift shops, Target, a beauty school for your haircuts, or your kitchen cabinets for beauty products, doors will start to open and you’ll get ideas. Also, like someone said just taking a shower and brushing your hair regularly might be more than you’re currently doing. I know for too many years after babies, it was more than I was doing, lol. Geez, if I could take back some of those years and do more for myself, I would. Good luck with this!
For my part I do whatever I can to facilitate my sweet bride looking great and feeling great about herself. We’re done with babies (we think!) and she’s taken up running and is dropping weight like it’s slippery. So we’ve been working to keep up, wardrobe wise, which has been a combo of things she used to wear (but got relegated to storage) and flattering new items. Yes, and unmentionables. I am completely fearless in underwear stores and know all her sizes, and I like to buy her not just things that are “for me” but that are workhorses she needs badly — a well-fitting wireless full-coverage bra would be one of those things. 🙂
David,
YOU ROCK!!!!
no kidding he does!!! 🙂
*blush*
I’d be willing to bet my bride could give you the other side of the story, depending on the day, but for what it’s worth, THANKS!
I love the orange dress that you have on and your new haircolor. It is so scary to try a new haircolor, but yours looks amazing on you.
Sheila ~ This song should be your “theme” song for this post: Julie London “Wives and Lovers” it’s a golden oldie. Find it on YouTube and thanks for the sweet encouragement. 🙂
i agree – frumpy makes you grumpy. i am one of those wives that made a vow to myself from day one that i would always take care of myself and never become that dowdy wife – i saw too many women do that, never understood it and knew it wasnt for me.
so i think it why people always sound incredulous when i tell them how many children i have – they expect you to look dowdy. i love shattering stereotypes.
and its true – the husband appreciates it also even if he doesnt always comment.
i do it for me – everybody else reaps the benefits also.
Love the pic with your sassy hair!! I am so with you. I am so over being “frump girl.” And, I know my husband is more than over it. I need a wardrobe change. It truly does make you feel and act so much better! 🙂
I LOVE this post!!! I’ve been preaching this for ages and ages and ages! I’ve actually gotten dirty looks at mommy groups because I have on makeup and I’ve fixed my hair, but I refuse to be frumpy all the time just because I’m a stay-at-home writer mom to two young boys. Mom’s don’t have an official “frump-iform”– too many women forget that. What a basic thing it is to boost your self-esteem and attitude by simply putting on a little lipstick. Thanks for this, Sheila. Love, love, love!!
I am frump woman. I’ve got 9 month old twins, and dressing nicely has always seemed a bit impractical. I do know I need to make more effort though.
I’m about 2 dress sizes bigger than I was pre-pregnancy, and I’m tall (5′ 10″) so I have to admit I’m a bit scared of looking like a drag queen in a skirt or dress.
Can’t remember the last time I wore make-up, and my hair is always in a pony tail.
I do think that if we make some effort, we feel better about ourselves, I just don’t know where to start.
Ashleigh,
Tall is BEAUTIFUL girl! All models are at least 5’10” and 6′! So most fashionable clothes are MADE for us taller girls! I think starting with make-up and hair is the way to go. Then as time/money permits, you can start investing in clothes that fit you properly and make you feel good. I actually don’t wear dresses very often because I find them uncomfortable (especially with a 5 year old, a 3 year old, and a baby). I need to be able to run around and be active with the kiddos. So my look is usually cute jeans, with a pretty tank top (lace, or sequin trim) and a pretty colored cardigan over it. Throw on some cute flats and stud earrings, and your a hip, active momma! 😉
Just some thoughts. I know everyone’s style is different, but I hope this helps in some way.
Thank you Wifey,
Here in the Uk, they seem to have missed the memo about clothes being made for tall girls 😉 You’re right, a little make up, and at least dragging a brush through my hair would be a start, lol.
YES!! This is a great article and something we wives need to keep in mind. I have always tried to keep myself looking nice, although we all have days. I think the toughest time was when our two biological kids were infants. The one thing I always made sure was that I took a shower every day. It was my 5 minutes to myself. Longer if the little ones would allow. I would put them in their crib with some toys and take a shower. Even as infants! Most times they were happy and content. A few times I had to take a quicker shower if they were really upset, but in reality 5 minutes of crying was not going to hurt them and it did a ton for my mental and physical state.
Now that my kids are older, I try always to dress nicely for myself and for my hubby’s eyes! I love when he looks my way or comes home and tells me how sexy I look.
Even if you don’t feel like it, get yourself looking nice! Thanks for this post Sheila! 🙂
I’m going to be brave and be the first commenter to champion the frumpy cause. 😉 I don’t actually advocate purposely trying to be frumpy, but there are some husbands out there who honestly prefer their wives to look “plain” rather than all dolled up. My husband is one of those men. He likes it so much better when I wear jeans or yoga pants (or even pajamas) and a plain shirt than if I dress fashionably. He likes me in skirts, but that’s about as dressed up as he likes. I also wear my hair in a ponytail pretty much every day and he loves to play with it (as long as he doesn’t pull it too hard I’m fine with that). If my hair is messy, he actually doesn’t like it if I brush it (I do brush it before going out in public though!). I know he’s not the only husband in the world like this because my sister-in-law dresses like I do and her husband wouldn’t want her to change a thing. At first I didn’t believe my husband when he said he liked my “lounge-around-the-house” clothes, but now I’m so glad that I don’t have to go through all that effort to dress up. I don’t have very good fashion sense so it’s nice to not have to bother with it. Don’t get me wrong, I do have some standards. I always wear things that match, fit well and are clean. Wearing a well fitting solid colored shirt with well fitting jeans or yoga pants and clean sneakers along with a neat ponytail is actually very attractive I think. I probably look nicer in an outfit like that than I do when I try (and fail) to put together a fashionable outfit. And it’s so nice to be comfortable all the time! So basically, just make sure you wear what your hubby likes. You may be surprised to find out that he actually likes your plain boring clothes.
It sounds like you are still making an effort to look nice, and I think that’s what it’s about. I’ve been trying to figure out how to be more fashionable, and I really do have to study it a little bit (pinning outfits I am attracted to on Pinterest has helped me “pin down”–lol–my style more than anything and is fun) because it doesn’t come all that naturally to me either. I also try to buy and wear only colors that flatter me, that way my wardrobe has an automatic non-frump factor.
All that said, it is often a relief at night or on the weekends when hubby and I can put on our flannel jammies and just relax together. We have clean, nice jammies so we’re not total slobs in them, but we sure are comfortable. Husbands and wives need that, too!
This hits home. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of wearing the comfy and stained clothing around the house. I never thought of it being disrespectful to my hubby. But you are so right. I dress better for the grocery store than I do for him. How is that respectful? I am going to set things straight and do a much better job of looking respectful, neat and clean, lipstick and all for the man that I love. Thank you so much.
That’s so true, Pam! I often remind myself, “I should not try to look nicer for strangers than I do for my husband.”
You are right, we do look better as we age… Maybe it was the 80’s style?? LOL! and I agree, no more frump around here, I always try to look good for hubby, even when I don’t feel like it! 🙂
Sheila, many of the responses to this blog post seem to be asking the same question: how do you do this on an ever-tightening budget?
I haven’t looked through your archives yet to see if you’ve already addressed this previously, but I wonder if Money for Married People might be a topic/series to write about in the future? According to experts like Dave Ramsey, ‘money fights’ account for the vast majority of fights within marriages. My wife and I are following his program, and the freedom that we’re finding as we eliminate debt is incredible, but what’s vital is that participation is required from BOTH of the people that make up a ‘couple.’ Anyhow, food for thought! Feel free to email me if you would like sources or suggestions.
Great idea! I’ll tell you what, I’ve promised people two series so far: one on men who don’t have a sex drive, and one for women who are pregnant/breastfeeding who want a libido. So money stuff will be after that! Anyone else have a request?
I couldn’t agree more with this post! I fell into the frumpy stage when I got married and started having kids. I had 4 kids under the age of 5 1/2, and that included a miscarriage….I was worn out, and plain just didn’t have the energy to take care of myself. I look back now and realize how foolish that was. I put on almost 100lbs, didn’t do much with my hair or make-up, and only wore faded denim and baggy t-shirts. It was BAD!!! I, within the last two years, have finally come to grips with that. I have lost 30lbs, (still fighting with the rest to come off), and I figured out how to dress fashionably updated(LOVE Goodwill and Christopher & Banks!!), learned how to do my hair in a style that was more than a pony tail, put some colorful make-up on, and it’s amazing how good I feel about myself, for the most part. There are times, with the four kids, working full-time, etc, that I still want to put on the denim and t-shirts, and I sense how grumpy it does make me feel. I try not to go out like that, but if I do, wow, I feel like such a slug!! Like, how would anyone want to even speak to me!! It’s amazing how just a little time for yourself transforms your thinking and feeling!! One thing I have learned is that even though I may have a husband who needs me,kids to take care of, a house to clean, a job to work, I MUST take care of myself!!
For the longest time I hadn’t worn makeup, and my husband never complained. Then I read the book by Debbie Pearl (Created to be His Helpmeet) and it inspired me to start again. I have almost every day since (except I tend to relax on Saturdays). I decided to do it for my husband, not anyone else. He has never said anything, but it makes me feel more beautiful. I work at a job now that doesn’t require dressing up (I also work with a bunch of men that usu. don’t dress up). But I still try to not be too casual.
My problem is, even once I get the kids dressed, I stay in my jammies. So for me, “dressing up”, at least for around-the-house stuff, is jeans and a t-shirt. 🙂 Granted, I don’t wear a baggy tee; I wear something fitted and at least somewhat cute. I don’t have a lot of nice clothes, so I save those for going out. With three little ones and a lot of cleaning to do around the house, my clothes can get messy pretty quick!! 😉 And I agree, dressing in something nice, even if it’s casual, changes your whole mindset. I get a lot more done when I feel dressed for it. In jammies, I feel frumpy and lazy.
I agree totally!! But now I feel…5 months pregnant. I miss dressing up and wearing cute things. Now I just feel huge. As a matter of fact I just thought that today that when I feel “fat” I don’t so make up and hair cause I am so depressed. But I should try.
Most men find pregnant women very attractive… So even though you feel huge there are cute clothes to wear and doing your hair and make-up will help fight the blues! BTW Congratulations!
I totally know… I’m 6 months pregnant right now. One thing that (counter-intuitively 🙂 ) helped me was trying on cute maternity clothes. I would look at them on the rack and say to myself, “Oh, that will NEVER fit, I’m too big!” and then I’d try them on anyway and most of the time they fit with no problems, or were actually too big. I feel a lot bigger and more ungainly than I actually am.
I have never seen a pregnant lady who isn’t cute! 🙂 It’s harder to FEEL cute, though, when you feel off-balance all the time.
Almost 7 months preggo right here! 🙂 I agree, it can be hard to FEEL cute when you feel huge and off-balance and you’re waddling more than walking. LOL. But lemme tell ya – the best thing I’ve done for myself is to invest in a great pair of maternity jeans, a couple of really cute fitted maternity tops, and at least one comfy but cute maternity dress (I now have three – I’m addicted to dresses/leggings!). Just having those few things to go to makes a big difference psychologically for me. So ask Mister Budget for some cash, and get thee to a maternity store. 🙂 Different brands have different fits (Motherhood Maternity is the only one that fits me, for example, but I have friends who can only wear other brands), so if the first place doesn’t work, keep looking. It’s worth it.
Ok, I was following Sarah Mae’s series about frumps to pumps…now this….I am feeling as though the Lord is saying: “Nikki, get outta those lazy clothes!” I am thirty with a 14 month old and a 30 month old. Teething, potty training, whining, moving, unpacking, breastfeeding ….AHHH I don’t have time! But you are right…take the time I do have and maximize it. Instead of slipping on sweats when I first wake up, slip on jeans and a fitted shirt. Not too tough! I try to ask myself: “What if someone were to randomly stop by…or what if my husband were to come home from work early, unexpectedly”…OH BOY I would want to have a neat house and clothes on! Thanks for the reminder and your transparency!
I have always been a bit frumpy, even in high school. I have a hard time finding clothes that look good on me and that I feel comfortable in, I tend to be a bit on the modest side, I don’t like to have my breasts or rear sticking out at people. I also “forget” to put on make up most days. But my hubby *hates* to see women in shapeless T-shirts, so I have made a point to stop wearing them, even for sleeping or working in the yard. My clothes may not be terribly feminine, but they are not shapeless either. I am however considering switching to casual dresses (maybe with leggings???) for the spring and summer. Both my husband and my son (4 yrs old) have expressed an interest in seeing me wear them. We are also on a tight budget, so I’ll be hitting sale racks at Walmart & Target and possibly going to some thrift stores as well.
Another thing, I tend to wear lace up shoes because of the comfort factor, but I find that they make me feel frumpy. Any tips on comfortable casual shoes? I have high arches and I need support, so ballet flats are not the best option for me.
Jennifer, I have difficult feet too, do you have Clarks there? I know you can get Clarks shoes on zappos, and they do balle shoes and cute mary-janes that aren’t completely flat. I prefer mary-janes because I need the security of a strap.
The cutest and most comfy shoes I have found are from Sofft (with two little dots above the “o”). They are a bit pricey, but they DON’T hurt your feet!!! I stand on my feet for almost 6 hours a day (I teach high school) and my feet NEVER hurt in these shoes, like they did with other “cheaper” or even “designer” brands.
Just a thought for those wanting comfortable shoes without sacrificing style.
Hi Jennifer,
I have difficult to fit feet too and I hate to have bound, pinched uncomfortable feet. Footprints by Birkenstock and Kalso Earth shoes are both stylish and comfortable, they also last forever. But they’re not inexpensive. You can find them on Amazon, 6 pm shoes, Overstock and a few other discounted areas if you look. Here’s to beautiful AND comfortable feet 🙂
I’ve never understood why women feel they need to dress up. I think it’s to impress each other rather than their husbands. How many men say “ooh where did you get that adorable handbag from?”. I don’t understand my mom deciding today what she’s going to wear tomorrow. That’s just way too much effort. I don’t get why she needs jewellery to match every outfit. I don’t understand my daughter needing 15 different types of footwear. I own one pair of shoes! I don’t get my niece that takes over an hour getting ready every morning because she feels she has to be looking perfect in public in case someone looks at her. I’d never considered myself frumpy, but I guess I am. I prefer to think of myself as practical. I know, you’re all shaking your heads.
I can see what you mean, style is for other women. However, I know my husband appreciates it and notices when I make a little effort.
Picking out an outfit the night before is pretty sensible, but i’m with you on the matching jewellery thing, I don’t get that.
I’m all for practicality, but the reason I feel frumpy is because most of my clothes are ill-fitting, and seldom clean for more than 15 minutes at a time 😉
I don’t have clothes that I like. I meet wear make up or do my hair unless it’s super important. I don’t want to shop for new clothes because I’m too fat and I eat like crazy and hate working out. So until I gain some self control and start eating better and try walkin more, there is no point in my dressing up. Because wearing cute clothes doesn’t look cute on me. So yea I’m frumpy. I have 2 pairs of pants that fit and a couple nice shirts. But mostly I wear sweats and old tshirts. Wish I could just stop eating like I do and lose weight!
Wow, you hit the nail on the head! The best hour I spent this week was to take a bath, put lotion on everything, and paint my nails… (Something I VERY rarely do) and it didn’t cost me a penny but I felt so much better and washed off the anger and irritation I was feeling with my whole family..
I think sometime we don’t take the time because we think then we’re taking something away from what we feel we should be doing. (dishes, reading to kids, cleaning ect..) But I realized my family likes a happier mama than a clean house and no one complained I took an hour to pamper myself..
Love this: “It’s not a vanity issue; it’s an issue of respect for who you are and for who God made you to be.” For years I felt that placing importance on my appearance was shallow and vain. Well, there’s placing importance and placing too much importance — not the same thing. I’m also an under 30-minutes get-ready gal and have made an effort to bump up my wardrobe in the last 10 years.
I would add that many women simply do not know what clothing styles flatter their body shape. I sometimes see women with ill-fitting bras showing through too-tight t-shirts and want to call What Not to Wear. No matter what your size, you can look put together! Don’t wait until you lose those 40 pounds or that arm fat; find something to flatter you now. You can always buy new clothes when your body shape does change.
Great advice, Sheila!
I am definitely a minimalist: curly hair (that looks good if I let it dry naturally… If you like curly hair), no makeup (though in 10 years, I know that may change to a little lipstick and mascara), and my uniform consists of jeans, shirts, and cardigans. It doesn’t have to take more time. My uniform used to be baggy jeans, plain cut t-shirts, and sweatshirts. By buying stylish jeans that fit, girlish shirts that flatter my shape, and cardigans over sweatshirts, I look better and it takes no longer. I have a $ rule: I buy no tops over $5, no pants over $10, and no jackets/dresses over $15. I shop at Marshall’s, goodwill, target, old navy, and TJ Maxx. When amping up my wardrobe, I asked for money for clothes or clothes exclusively on year for my Christmas and birthday. I still prefer the simple look, but yoga pants= cute. Big men’s gym shorts= frumpy.
Excellent strategy! And you’re so right: it takes no extra time to put on something that looks cute!
Wow! You look fabulous even more when you are over 40, you really look better that when you are in 30’s. Anyway, have more relaxation and unwind with your family to relieve stress. You are really busy, so take a moment to relax!
Couldn’t agree more! 🙂 I love looking cute. I’m actually way more productive around the house during the day when I put on cute clothes. Funny how that works! I have a 2 year old and another baby on the way, so yeah, sometimes it’s hard to do the full hair and makeup, but even if my hair is pinned back and I’m barefaced that day, I can still wear good jeans and a cute shirt and my husband will kiss me and tell me I’m gorgeous when he comes home at the end of the day.
I gotta give some credit to my hubby too – he sees me differently than I see myself, and because of that he always picks out the cutest clothes for me. So I have almost no frumpy clothes! He’ll pull something off the rack at the store and I’ll say “Oh, I couldn’t pull that off”, but I try it on and whoa, it looks great! He’s always seen more beauty in me than I’ve seen in myself and it’s changed the way I view myself since we got married. I’m the one picking cute clothes for myself now! 🙂
Melissa, it sounds like you’ve got an awesome husband! That’s actually a beautiful picture of a Christian marriage: where your husband helps you to see the beauty that you can’t see.
Wow, I have to respectfully disagree with this. I think most women spend too much time and money on their appearance and what kind of example does this set for our daughters? I do agree you should not be sloppy. But I don’t think that is the same as frumpy. I think you look just great in the first picture btw. I rarely wear make up (usually just some sunscreen)- or do my hair other than wash or brush it. I make sure my clothes are clean and my body is clean. I ask the same of my daughter. There are people in this world with just the clothes on their backs. I can do with less clothes, less shoes, less jewelry, less make up, less hair products, etc. I also wonder if we’re dressing for our husbands or to impress other women? Just my 2 cents- love the blog.
I know I’m late on this, but I just finished a book about dressing for your body type. It is a practical tool for women to learn how to dress well and modestly. It’s called “Good girls don’t have to dress bad” by Shari Braendel. You can go to her website and have a color evaluation done to know what colors look best on you too! It is great and has helped my with my fashion.
Great Post! I am a heavier set woman and I will say some days, okay, most days, I settle for Frumpy, because sometimes dressing up makes me feel worse. 🙁 But you are right, it is no excuse! And I agree with the comment above. it is AMAZING what a good bra can do for you. I can’t fit much at Victoria Secret, but I DO wear their bras. 🙂 Even wearing a pair of Victoria Secret underwear (not the lacy ones) makes me feel better. lol. Having three small children has caused me to walk away from make-up, but I have noticed when I do take the time to wear it, my husband really notices. Thanks for this great post! Love it!
Getting to this a bit late….I have some time to kill so I’m reading past articles. 🙂 I love dressing up. 99% of the time I’m wearing super adorable, feminine dresses or skirts. I get compliments on my clothes all the time, because my style is very unique and beautiful. I do it for me, yes – but the main reason I wear pretty clothes is that my guy gets to see me looking beautiful every day. (Or, as beautiful as I can be, anyway!) He’s told me multiple times that he loves that I dress like a woman when most women dress like men. (Meaning, jeans and a t-shirt.) I have an equally impressing lingerie collection! (I used to buy lingerie every time I had a bad day….and I used to have a lot of bad days!) I also shave every day, including my nether regions. I think my guy is spoiled, but I’m glad that he is.
I dressed frumpily for a couple of years when I was severely depressed, and I felt ugly the whole time. I’ll never go back to that. I may not have the best body – although my husband seems to think I do! – but there are clothes that flatter every body type. It’s amazing how beautiful treating yourself like a woman will make you look and feel.
Here I am on the computer with my hair a frizzball and in a man’s shirt and jeans. I need a brush, a belt, and some lipstick to get this party started! Thank you for the reminder. 🙂
Hey, I just realized I forgot to put on lipstick this morning, too! 🙂
Great post! I was just wondering if you have any tips for getting dressed, doing my hair especially, when I have a 2.5 year old and a 1.5 year old. I agree that when you dress nicely, you feel better about yourself. I feel more confident when my hair is straightened and not just pulled back in a pony tail (and my hubby likes it better too)
You look fabulous Sheila! And I agree you look better at 40 than you did at 30. That’s my plan :).
Great post! and I would say even with infants there’s no reason you can’t look cute with a pretty sling to match! Messy Buns are all the rage and taking just a few extra minutes to do your hair and dash on mascara and something that semi-matches makes a difference – not only does your husband deserve it, your kids do too!
I think it’s harder for me since I’ve gained weight because I don’t feel attractive so why not just dress comfy? But while I never really quite trying at all I can do better!
I think ladies in the olden days who dressed for the day, to go out and changed for dinner were on to something — no I don’t do all that but I can see the point!
Ugh I get super frumped smh 2kids under 3yrs makes me tired but I love my husband and myself. So im going back to Glam. Thx for the accountability 😉
Honestly? I think we as women are way to hard on ourselves. I would love to curl my hair, put on makeup and wear something nice. It is not always possible and we need to start saying “That is okay”. I have two boys under the age of 5. One has Sensory processing disorder and disrupitive disorder and he keeps me super busy. Clothing gets ruined and I rather have my sweats and teeshirts get ruined than my nice clothes. It comes down to perspective really. If you have the time to make yourself look wonderful. Thats great. But if you cant, and can only put your hair in a pony tail and wear sweats and a teeshirt, that is okay too. We are way to hard on ourselves this day and age. Expected to do everything and anything in order to be perfect and accepted. Your husband should love you and adore you even in your frumpy mode and dressed up mode. Common sense really!
Love this..it is so true… I have my oldest son who is 20 and now a 3 year old. I used to not walk out of the house without being “done” (I like women who are “pulled together” LOL well..let me explain…I like women who tend to look like they put some effort into their appearance..) but since I have had this youngest one again I “forgot” how time consuming and hard it is to get ready with a little one… you tend to grab easy stuff and pull your hair up.. I am looking into the mirror lately and saying what in the heck has happened to me…I used to be so cute… geesh… I have put on 40 lbs since he was born and am grumpy…and this post fits me to a T… I need to start taking care of me… it seems like all I do is do for everyone else..I get lost in the way…I need to spend a few minutes a day on me… not hard but need to make it a priority..thanks love you…
This is soooo true! It made me cry… I am talkin’ full on sobs this is exactly how I feel and exactly what I needed to hear.
I LOVE causing full on sobs–when it’s for a good cause! Blessings on you.
luv luv LUV this post! I too feel and think and work better when I’ve put a bit of effort into myself. For me, it’s the shoes. If I click across my own living room floor, I feel more grown up as I’m picking up toys and humming along to the Mini Pops!
I totally agree with this. When we don’t feel together, we can’t get it together. I am a mom of 2, and one of those kids are 9 months old. I take a shower and shave daily, I also throw on some mascara most days, even if I am not leaving the house or seeing anyone but the family. I feel better when I feel better about how I look. I don’t always wear jeans everyday, but I take the effort to look a little put together. And when we are going out, I do my make up and hair and put on decent clothes, I don’t see how anyone could walk out of the house in jogging pants or pajama pants anyway…
I’m a bit late to this post but I just wanted to thank you. My son is almost a year old and while I don’t look overly over weight I am (my stomach seems to hate me since having a baby). I’ve really been struggling to find clothes that can hide my stomach (not to mention my son has a thing about pulling down shirts so modesty is a struggle right now) but it’s been really hard and I’m not looking forward to summer when I can’t hide in a sweatshirt. I used to love form fitting clothes and now it seems they are my worst enemy.
However I am trying to put a little more thought into it and today I even put on some lipgloss and mascara (I rarely wear makeup especially since I never really learned how to do it right). I figure, I’m only 21 and idk why it isn’t but it seems like lipgloss should still be one of those things I carry in my purse. Thanks for the encouragement 🙂
I love this post, just saw it on Pinterest and will definitely be pinning it! I agree 100%! This is the exact reason why I started a blog of my own. It’s important to give yourself a few minutes a day to get ready, we all need to feel human!
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