Do you live in a sexless marriage?
They’re increasing in number all the time. And in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, 14% of survey respondents reported living in marriages where they rarely or never had sex (at least less than once a month). Their spouses withhold sex.
Sometimes refusing to have sex is due to health problems, but more often than not it’s a deep-seated issue within a spouse where they don’t see the importance of sex, and something has triggered them to decide to stop. I’ve been writing a series of posts this week on what to do when a spouse doesn’t want sex, and we’re going to end the series today looking at the most extreme (but not all that rare) case when a husband or wife refuses to have sex altogether.
Other Posts in our “Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love” Series:
I received an email recently from a woman who announced to her husband over a decade ago, after a hysterectomy, that their sex life was now over because her sex drive was gone. Today she is in turmoil because her husband had finally decided to leave the marriage.
I’ve received several emails from women whose husbands have not made love to them in years. Again, it was triggered by a health complaint or a sexual complaint (erectile dysfunction), but the husbands used those things to decide to “switch off”.
Now what do the spouses do? I’d suggest talking to your spouse about intimacy, the way I suggested yesterday. But for many spouses this problem goes much further than that. The spouse has basically checked out of the relationship and you now live in a sexless marriage.
It’s not just that your spouse rarely has sex; it’s that your spouse refuses to have sex.
And you’re in a very difficult position because how do you talk about this? They’ve just decided that they want the benefits of being married (living with someone, parenting together, sharing expenses, having the status) but they don’t want one of the major responsibilities.
Let’s Get Real: Withholding Sex is Wrong
Paul Byerley, of The Generous Husband, wrote an important post back in December about how the church doesn’t think of withholding sex as a sin–even though it is. He writes:
I completely agree. It is relatively easy for a spouse to go to a pastor and say, “I need help because my husband (or wife) is having an affair.” But what would most pastors say if a spouse went to them and said, “my husband (or wife) has refused to have sex with me for months on end.” They likely would do virtually nothing, or else would encourage you to examine yourself and see how you can love your spouse more, as if they are placing the blame at your feet.
It is time that all of us–Christians, church leaders, spouses–recognized sexual refusal as a sin.
The Bible clearly speaks against withholding sex. Paul said that spouses have the responsibility to meet their spouse’s needs–within reason. I certainly do not believe that if your husband wants sex twice a day you therefore have to make love twice a day. Marriage is compromise! Nor do I believe that if your spouse is demanding weird or kinky sex that you have to do that (and I have had emails saying, “my husband won’t have regular intercourse because he only wants X or Y instead.”) But there is a certain level of reasonableness that should be met in a marriage. Refusing sex, or only making love extremely rarely, is a serious problem.
Now, if you have a medical reason for this, or if you’re still recovering from psychological trauma or abuse, that’s a different category. If you are working towards recovery, and you are hoping to resume a healthy sex life, then you are working towards a healthy marriage and that’s good.
But if you are refusing to work on your issues, even if those issues are one of sexual function, like erectile dysfunction, then you are not living up to God’s design for marriage.
You may also find these posts helpful:
What Should You Do if Your Spouse Withholds Sex?
1. Understand the Root of Sexual Refusal
WHY is your spouse refusing sex? For many, it’s because they’re so addicted to pornography and masturbation that they spend all their sexual energy elsewhere. For others it’s psychological issues based on abuse or problems in childhood that have never been properly dealt with.
For some it may be physical problems, like pain during sex or sexual dysfunction, or extremely low libido.
In some cases, then, the root is sin. In others the problem is not sin per se. If someone has a phobia of sex due to abuse, or if a woman has vaginismus so that sex is excrutiatingly painful, then not having sex is justified–while the problem is worked on. The problem here is not withholding sex per se; it is only if the spouse isn’t seeking help to overcome the issue, and is content to stay as they are.
Understanding whether you are dealing with a sin issue, a psychological issue, or a physical issue is crucial before we go on to the next step.
Are you a HUSBAND whose wife doesn’t want sex? These may help!
2. Get Outside Help for your Sexless Marriage
What, then, is the recourse for the spouse who is consistently refused? I think Matthew 18:15-16 applies here. There, Jesus says:
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’
God said that if someone is sinning, you talk to them about it. If they don’t listen, you find a few spiritually mature people to talk with together. You don’t tell the whole church. But you talk to some spiritually mature people and ask them to sit down with you both as a couple.
To me, this should be the norm when major sins in a marriage are taking place, like verbal abuse, alcoholism, pornography use, adultery, or refusing sex. These are all serious sins that need to be dealt with or the family will fall apart. Unfortunately, often Christians are very leery of dealing with them, because we don’t like to get involved in other people’s problems. But where, then, does the spouse who is hurting go? What recourse do they have? They don’t want a divorce, but they do want some help. If the church doesn’t provide it, what will happen to these families?
If you are refusing to work on your issues, even if those issues are one of sexual function – then you are not living up to God’s design for marriage.
I was reading the book Rocking The Roles recently, and the authors, Robert Lewis and William Hendricks, were calling for a much more ambitious program of churches coming alongside couples to help in interventions. I think withholding sex is a perfect example where such an intervention may be necessary. They were using the example of a man who was overspending and putting the family deeper and deeper into debt while refusing to get a job. And the elders came around him, asked him to sign a contract stating the steps that he would take over the next month to get things under control, and telling him that if he failed in this task, the elders would help the wife separate (not divorce, but separate until he got his finances under control).
Churches have a role to play here. And that’s where a mentor couple can be helpful. Maybe you don’t talk to the pastor per se, but you do talk to a spiritually mature couple in the church who is willing to sit down with the two of you, listen to both sides of the story, and then help the offended spouse (if they decide that this is a sin of withholding situation) argue their case. Setting up some sort of accountability system would be important here.
For instance, if it were a husband who was refusing sex because he had no sex drive and was diabetic, I would say something like:
Sometimes getting it out in the open, even if just with two other people (and it really should be with a minimum number of people) can inspire a spouse to act. Often people are hesitant because they don’t see the importance of sex, or they’re embarrassed to talk to a doctor. Having people prod them can spur them on to action.
Other times, however, you need a bigger stick.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
3. Consider Separation (as a last resort to prod change)
Is it right to separate if a spouse refuses sex? I’m not sure. In the vast majority of cases, separation causes incredible hardship on any children involved, and I am very reticent to recommend it just for that reason. God can also be incredibly real to you when you need Him most, and so staying married does not mean that you necessarily will not have joy in your life. God can be that joy.
However, sexual refusal is usually not the only problem. I’ve spoken to many women lately where the sexual refusal of their husbands is combined with a lack of motivation to work as well as a lack of motivation to work on his health. It’s tied up in a number of psychological issues. In this case, I believe a temporary separation where you say to him, “I love you. I want to be your wife. But you must start working and pulling your weight, because I can’t look after the children and work full-time and still look after you. This needs to be a partnership,” may be a way of shaking some reality into him. I know couples, for instance, where she can’t even leave the children with him, but has to hire a baby-sitter, because he won’t look after the toddlers. So having him move out would actually be cheaper for her. The separation is not with the goal of divorce; it’s with the goal of shocking him into actually working on his problems, instead of enabling him to act in an unChristlike way.
I don’t recommend this lightly, and I’m not even sure if I’m right. This is just such a difficult issue. So I would say that if you are in this situation, you need to get counsel from a mentor couple who knows you both in real life. I can’t answer all these problems for you because I don’t know your unique situation. But God does, and so pray that He will reveal a couple that you can talk to who can come alongside you and plot a course where both you and your spouse can find true intimacy again.
I can’t give you all the answers. But if I can, let me at least validate your feelings. If your spouse is withholding sex, this is wrong. It is so heartbreaking for you. It blocks intimacy. It is not God’s design for marriage. And I am sorry you are going through this. I pray that you will find people to talk to who will understand, and who will be able to pray about it and steer you in the right direction.
Don’t forget that my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, has lots of help for couples with problems in the bedroom. If you have trouble seeing sex as something positive, or finding real intimacy, this book is for you!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This has become a big issue. I had gone through a divorce from an achoholic who wanted everyone but me, he then committed suicide. I am married now to a man who is 14 years younger than me, he is absolutely wonderful and I am truly blessed that he loves me and my 3 sons. Someone responded one time, “he must want it all the time” and I kind of, “yeah…I wish” and they responded with, “If you can’t do it for someone his age you don’t have much hope” Yeah – those words stuck!! He went to the Dr. and was supposed to ask about testosterone check, and when he came back he said they couldn’t do bloodwork b/c he hadn’t fasted. I haven’t point blank asked him if he asked for that specific test or not. I want to believe he did, but I am to the point of total discouragement and have lost desire myself. He is a video gamer and to him it is just not important. My closest friends have said, “well, at least you know where he is – not like your ex” Yeah – he is at home – but completely in his own world. I agree totally with what you wrote regarding putting his energy and desire there instead of with us. He always wants friends around and when the kids have gone to bed, he hops on the computer and I just go to sleep. He honestly does not see the issue at all and thinks I am making a big deal out of nothing. I love him, but I am so incredibly lonely! I was SO looking forward to having and growing our sex life and intimacy as husband and wife.
The offended spouse is placed in a position of the very grave danger of adultry which causes not only emotional suffering but deadly physical suffering
Is my situation rare? My wife and I have been married for 38 years. And my wife has refused sex on a regular basis. In our church we have programs for women who feel unequally yoked together but not for men. This has been a real struggle for me for years.
My wife decided several years ago that she was finished having sex with me.it was a nasty conversation on her part and I was stunned at her words. We’ve been married now for 38years of which the last 7 or 8 have been completely without any sex. We’ve been to counseling and says I am not kind to her, blames me for sexual mistakes in the past, and says she never really liked it very much anyhow. Frankly, I am not about to have sex with anyone who thinks they can “take their toys and go home.” This is an affront but, because I am not quick-witted enough, I can never have this conversation with her to come to a solution or even go in that direction. It’s always the same broken record statements and excuses, but never a suggestion about anything to move in a positive direction.
At this stage (she is 60), were she to do a miraculous reversal, I doubt I would even want this from her anymore. But I doubt I will have to face that problem. I believe love is putting others before myself and I work to do that with her, though she seems unappreciative. Nonetheless, this has really developed in me a belief that perhaps she reached the point in her makeup that she is biologically really completely uninterested in physical contact. It’s curious that I would still be interested in sex, though as I said, not really desiring her for that. Maybe that is how men are wired. Just my .02
Do what I have done, just be her roommate. Never touch her, tell her you love her or share personally with her. Just be her roommate. It’s cheaper to keep her than a divorce. I live my own life while technically married but show little interest in her now. She used sex as a weapon for years till I wised up and called her bluff and told her she could keep her sex, I wasnt interested any more.
Probably not . Just completed pre marriage class in church with my wonderful Gf . She’s a fantastic Christian woman .
Sadly , in the class the only things spoke of were to abstain and it implied that on wedding night it all falls together. I’m 50 and divorced but was admonished from saying anything to the younger men getting married sooner . Quite a good bit was spent on sex , the ladies had a rather free for all in one room while in the guys room we were quickly admonished to not speak of sex in order to edify God well. It was spoken of in generalities only and promised it’d be great etc .
The majority, almost all time was spent warning against pornography and the dangers of it . I’m not taking that lightly at all / I recall one aquantance who was on all kinds of drugs tell me in his deathbed that porn was worst addiction.
It was just that it was mentioned in detail to appreciate your wife and understand reasons she might be withholding sex , had you been a jerk today ? Is she tired? Did you fight ?
Are you not doing your part on housework? Are you expecting sex too often ? Etc
As for the counter , it was said by omission that if husband refused sex , He Is Addicted To Porn , Period!
Other veiled implications were that the church is getting more and more involved and avoided spelling it out / but pretty much said that any knowledge of husbands refusing would be confronted, but that of wives refusing would be considered the fault of husband
I am so glad I found this thread. I am married to a man that has refused sex for 9 years. He is 62 and our entire marriage of 9 years has been so hard. He just works constantly. This is my second marriage. In my first marriage I had an active sex life. My husband is a workaholic and never works on any of his issues. Refuses to figure out a plan to fix any of his health issues. Has zero desire and has zero testosterone. I am a very sexual person. My love language us physical touch. I am just devastated and feel like we are very unequally yoked.
My wife refuses to have sex with me because she doesn’t enjoy it and it’s over too quickly. I feel if I confront her with scripture she’ll say I’m interpreting it wrong. What can I do in my case?
I guess I’d ask this–is it enjoyable for her? If it isn’t, then it’s quite natural that she wouldn’t want to make love. So maybe the question to ask is “how can I make it enjoyable for her”? Can you say to her something like, “I’m so sorry that for our marriage sex has primarily been about me, and you haven’t gotten anything out of it. That’s not what I want. I know that’s not what God created it for. Sex is for you as much as it is for me. Can we go back to the beginning and try this again, and figure out how to make it feel good for you?”
And working through 31 Days to Great Sex can really help. A lot of the focus there is figuring out what she enjoys. Honestly, if sex has always been about you getting release, and it’s not for her at all–well, that’s quite natural that she may not want it. It has to be about both of you.
Release? Sex is about union and procreation, not release. What an absolutely repulsive view of sex, release!
My counsel to women in this situation is to “win them without a word as they observe their godly behavior.”. I have seen this work time and time again.
Yes, Lori, but what would you say to a woman whose husband hasn’t had sex with her in two or three years? I guess what I’m saying in this post is that if a man were having an affair, we wouldn’t just say, “be as good a wife as you can be and he will change.” We’d say, “he needs to be confronted and told to change.” I think a person who has been withholding sex for several years would fall under that category. I have just had emails from such broken women who have been praying and turning themselves inside out trying to be great wives, and their husbands don’t seem to care, largely because they have other psychological issues. And at some point, I think the church needs to come around these women (and these men, because the problem is more often the other way where the woman withholds) and say, “you’re endangering your marriage and this isn’t right.” Do you know what I mean?
Like I said, I’ve had emails from women who have told me, “I announced to my husband a decade ago that sex was over, and now he’s leaving me. What do I do?” And they’re heartbroken. But why did they think that they had the right, within a marriage, to say, “we’re not having sex anymore because I don’t want to.” I’m just saying that I think this is a pretty serious thing, and it causes so much heartache, and we need to find a way to support couples who are in this situation and find a way to help encourage change.
I have been mentoring women for the past 8 years who have husbands who are having affairs, into porn, not interested in sex, etc. and I give them all the same advice….The Bible says that husbands that are disobedient to the word are won without a word as they watch the godly behavior of their wives. It also says a believing wife should not leave her husband. It also says that a godly wife sanctifies her husband. He sees Jesus in her. I have seen them win their husbands to them as they love, serve, and please their husbands. I encourage them to be joyful as God commands us to be. Love wins people…warmth, kindness, no arguing or complaining wins them. God’s ways work…It make take a long time but they are blessed as they live in obedience to God.
Lori, I think it’s wonderful that you’re mentoring women like this, and I’m so glad that they have someone to talk to.
I just want to say, though, that I think everything needs to be seen in balance. Yes, there is a verse that says that we should try to win our husbands without a word, but that’s really talking about salvation. In Matthew 18, it clearly says that we are also to confront specific sins.
If you are talking to women and know them personally, then I think you know best in those situations. But here, on the internet, where we don’t know people personally, I just wouldn’t want to say something that may be hurtful, and I do think that telling a woman that if her husband is having an affair that she should “win him without a word” could be damaging. Jesus very clear said that adultery was grounds for divorce (though He did not say that we should divorce). And in talking to many men who have been involved in porn, what they have said is that they would not have stopped had their wife not brought it to a head. In the post I wrote earlier where I quoted a man at length who had come through healing from porn, he said that if you do not confront your husband and get help, he will fall further into sin.
There is a point where we are enabling sin, I guess is what I’m saying, and we must make sure we never do that. I also don’t believe that Jesus wants us to consistently be broken hearted and beaten down. That is what the body of Christ is for; to help us. And I think that we as Christians need to do more to hold each other to account as spouses, and to help those couples who are really hurting, whether that means coming alongside a man or woman who is involved in porn and saying, “enough is enough”, or coming alongside a man who isn’t working and who isn’t having sex and saying, “you need to be a man.”
Confronting a husband on an issue is a separate issue from whether or not we, personally, are going to God for our self-worth and our peace and our joy, and on whether we are trusting God with our husband’s salvation. They are not mutually exclusive.
Also, I always interpreted the verse from Peter as meaning that we shouldn’t be constantly preaching to our husbands about salvation, but that we should “win them without a word”. It seems, from the context, that it is not talking about tolerating sin, but about leading an unbelieving spouse to Christ. Constantly preaching to a man, or demanding that he read the Bible, or always buying him Christian books rarely works. Your example means more.
But I do not believe that God called us to enable sin. I think they are two separate things.
Nonetheless, you know these women personally, and I think that what most women need is a flesh-and-blood person who can help them work out their issues, and if more of us had that, we wouldn’t need the internet quite so much!
I agree that they need to confront them on their sin, but then they need to pray about it and leave it in God’s hands. I tried changing Ken for 23 years and when I stopped trying to change him and just make him happy, he changed! I appreciate your advice you give on your blog, Sheila. I have developed personal relationships with these women and walk with them as they try and heal their marriages. I was just sharing what has worked for me and all the women I have mentored!
I agree! I’ve always taken that scripture to mean salvation too. Some things need to be addressed in marriages. Withholding sex is a sin and it is wrong! I am going through this right now. Basically, if I’m a good girl today, then I Might get second, but it doesn’t happen. It’s a form of abuse!
I believe I am goingto try to not say anything, anymore – I have been naggy lately, I am aware of that, which pushes them further away. I will try to be the Godly wife who lives by example and gives unconditionally. It is hard when you feel like you get so little in return.
I CLEARLY do NOT! understand all this Be a GODLY WIFE what about the HUSBANDS being GODLY Husbands?….. Hello , this is 2013 ,… Us woman should NEVER be made to feel guilty if our spouse has withheld sex from us,… HE is the one who should be working on correcting HIS problem (I mean woman don’t get married to live a sexless marriage ,..oh wait a minute ,..”I think I’ll obey my husband & be the “better” one ????? & be a MORE “GODLY” WIFE?…… OH! (light bulb moment?NO WAY) ,…. NO-ONE MAN OR WOMAN should EVER has to change THEM self IF they’re SPOUSE is the one with the “PROBLEM” & YES! it IS a problem whether physical,emotional,psychological it is STILL 1st & foremost THEY’RE problem & if after the “other’ spouse REPEATEDLY tell’s them that they’re “need’s” are not being met,.. & AGAIN!!!!!! REPEATEDLY,..it CONTINUES??????? Are you -REALLY????_ going to advise them to just be patient (like they haven’t been PATIENT,…… ENOUGH?????……. by now? ABSOLUTELY -WRONG!-,…You then should counsel them BOTH (TOGETHER) then & tell BOTH to be GODLY towards they’re rightful expected duties as a santity of MARRIAGE VOWS (& PROMISE IN GODS HOUSE BEFORE GOD THEY PLEDGED) & in “SICKNESS” (YES,..Can be caused by SICKNESS too) & in Health,….. It is NOT at all healthy for ANY marriage to repeatedly be “Sexless” & it really annoys me that ppl are told to1) “Be the BETTER one”2) “Be the STRONGERone3) Give it time & “be the PATIENT one”,….. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ….. they BOTH should be told to TRY hard together & IF it continues ,..yet again,…. then it TIME to say so-long ,…. & STOP wasting ANYMORE time in a DEAD END ,ONE WAY relationship,….. Remember the saying,… “WE only “live” once”??????? Well,….. it is NOT -“LIVING” when your slowly DYING inside made to feel un-wanted,un-noticed,UN-NEEDED, & UN-SATISFIED! & CRAZY too boot,…. it’s CRAZY telling me to “be the MORE) Godly One”,.. GOD made BOTH men & Woman to JOIN together in LOVE & RE-CREATE,… How is that POSSIBLE? then IF too many ppl are “LIVING”? (or isn’t it REALLY just “EXISTING”) merely in such sad relationships? I say Woman of “TODAY” demand the same things they’re husbands EXPECT,..& IF our needs STILL are not met & fall on DEAF ears then oh well,… hasta La Vista baby,… & Get “stepping” into that in which we ALL deserve a BEAUTIFUL life with the RIGHT person who RESPECTS,LOVES & HONORS US BOTH ,…. & SHOWS IT,…. For one who withholds is CONTROLLING the destiny of the COUPLES sex life,… & the one on the NOT “receiving” line is made to feel guilty,in-adequate or the FOOL?,….. NO ppl SPEAK UP & LAY IT ON THE LINE whether you are a MAN -OR- WOMAN! you DESERVE & SHOULD EXPECT M-U-T-U-A-L love,respect & a sexually SATISFYING union,….. & if you have tried,TRIED again & still NO CHANGE,…then MOVE ON …… In GOD’s eyes he want’s us ALL to be HAPPY,….. 🙂 Peace & Love to ALL,…..
Kelly, I am not a tough guy on the internet–if I knew you I would readily say this to your face in as respectful of a manner as possible: That is, quite possibly, the biggest load of crap I’ve read in a long time. God wants us to seek His heart and His will for our lives. Our happiness is irrelevant with respect to His supremacy and humanly unimaginable power. God wants us all to be HUMBLE. Happiness is completely subjective.
I SO agree with you Kelly. Sex is such a big part of marriage, it’s “part and parcel”. If a man doesn’t have sex with his wife, and only does “if she’s being nice” that’s just not right. Sex is a big human need WHICH MARRIAGE IS FOR. If he doesn’t hold up his part of the bargain he’s being unfaithful. So I agree with you.
God bless you wives for understanding how sex is vital to a man in marriage! Some of us men think that only us men have this problem. However, I am praying for you women who have this problem with your husbands as well.
Last night, my wife informed me of the real reason that she does not want to have sex with me. We met each other online and I fell for her even before I met her and she fell for her image of me online. When she saw me in person at the airport for the first time, I did not know that she had changed her mind but did not want to hurt my feelings, so she just went along with me when I gave her the engagement ring. Everybody at her church, including her family, were excited that she found a good Christian man who is a missionary and was going to get married to him. Her daughter was especially excited. We got married in Colombia nine months after I met her in person, because she did not want to hurt my feelings or disappoint anyone. In other words, she never really loved the real me, even though I still love her. She said she could not force herself to have sex with a man that she does not love. We have not had sex since April of last year, and I told her that I could not live in a celibate marriage.
She has been wanting to go back to Colombia for some time now, because she really misses her family there, especially her youngest son, who is 34 years old. I told her that God has called me to be a missionary here in Mexico even before we were engaged.
Last night I told her that it would be best for her to go back to Colombia, because I could not continue to live with her under these circumstances. Seeing her everyday would be a continual reminder of her rejection of me as her husband. She wants to wait until December to go back to Colombia, because of a women’s conference she is involved in that will take place in November. I told her that she could go to Colombia and come back for the conference. I have prayed a lot about this, and right now the only way I can see her staying with me until December is if she really wants to do God’s will for our marriage and go to counseling with me and get delivered of all the pride, rebellion, and selfishness that is in her heart. If not, I don’t think I can give her more than two or three weeks more with me under the circumstances of our relationship right now. Am I wrong?
I know that some think that if I love my wife as Christ loves the church, I should let her stay with me as long as she wants. I am going to give her the opportunity to do so if she really wants to work with me to have the kind of marriage that God wants us to have instead of being just roommates with no romance whatsoever, which I believe God does not expect me to tolerate. If she wants to go to counseling with me and work with me to have the kind of marriage God wants us to have, which of course includes physical intimacy, I will ask God to help me to hold out until she really is willing to have physical intimacy with me. Am I being reasonable enough? Keep in mind that she has wanted to go back to Colombia for some time, even if it means leaving me in order to do so.
I don’t think you wrong in your feelings. You sound very reasonable and have given her time. It sounds like she has been set on returning to Colombia. Why did she even go through with the marriage? Anyway, You have been patient enough already. That is a form of unfaithfulness on her part “I believe”.
Hi Julie,
She went through with the marriage because she felt like she was pressured to by me, her pastor, her daughter, and others in her church. Although she could have backed out at any time before the marriage, she chose not to because a lot of people would have been very disappointed if she would have backed out. I did not know that she had no romantic love for me when we got married. Had I known, I would not have married her!
However, now that I know that romantic love is not a necessity to get married, and I believe that this marriage is of the Lord, perhaps the Holy Spirit wanted her to marry me anyway because He knew that I would be a good husband to her and that we would serve the Lord together, regardless of her feelings towards me.
She had romantic love for her first husband, who was a non-believer and an adulterer. After they separated, he died later in an automobile accident long before we got married. He also bought her jewelry and frequently bought her furniture. He was a medical doctor and had the funds to do so, which, as a missionary, I don’t. However, when I say this, some TV preachers which she listens to would consider me saying that I don’t have the funds to purchase all these things for her a “negative confession”. That if I had enough faith, God would give us all the material things that she wants. I had this same problem in my last marriage.
Amen & Amen to all you said Kelly !!!!!!!! I needed to hear this response!!! I believe God is talking through you & women need to pay attention to what you had said , it is a shame to waist your time for years begging, pleading , asking over & over for sex when in the beginning of the marriage their was a problem that grew as the years went by & now the spouse had a medical issues they want to blame it on that when in reality it was happening from day one , I’m tired of the crap!!!!! Thanks again Kelly
LoL well said Kelly! Yes indeed….
Great post Kelly, sex is not a part of marriage sex IS marriage, God put it there for a reason so to withhold that forces the other person into a sexless existence seeing as they cannot divorce and it is worse than being single as they cannot live with the hope of meeting someone either. I am going through this, my husband doesn’t see it as a problem but I do and I have also had enough so am seriously considering a separation, I don’t need a room mate I need a husband and the constant lack of intimacy makes me feel rejected. I am tired of discussing it and arguing about it so now I am staying in a separate room and will be leaving him for a few months as well. I was celibate for 15 years before I married, I waited because I love God and really tried hard to keep myself…a couple of “almosts” but no sex. When I met him I felt so happy but he’s always been weird about sex, getting up to wash himself afterwards and that kind of thing. It actually makes me sick. I remember once trying to instigate sex and asking him what turns him on and he said: When you wash yourself well. I mean what the actual f***? Anyone would think I don’t bathe the way he carries on with his washing twice daily self. I wash once a day! Is that unclean? Anyway, we lived apart for five years because of various immigration issues but he never tried to maintain our intimacy and for the last how many years it’s got worse and worse. We’ve had sex twice this year after I caught him talking dirty to another woman. He is sorry that happened but won’t accept responsibility for why or confront our issues. He loves me and our son but just doesn’t seem to get that I need more. I do love him and want us to be together but I also feel angry and resentful that I have waited 15 years to just be celibate again but with no hope of a fulfilling sex life. The worst part is I found myself comparing him to my first boyfriend, he’s not worse but the lack of intimacy and “pillow talk” is what makes our unions feel like something is missing although the sex is far superior to my ex. When I’ve tried to raise it he just gets defensive and we argue. I’m tired of it. The fact he wanted to talk dirty to another woman shows he wants something but it seems that he doesn’t want it with me, he said the sex talk was a mistake and in his defence he’s never done it since but what he also doesn’t understand is that because he hasn’t instigated any intimacy with me, I still feel like he’s being unfaithful and actually he is. Not having sex within a marriage is a form of unfaithfulness as you are not being faithful to the vow “with my body I thee worship.” The Bible actually calls it fraud and takes it very seriously. I once read that “satan loves a sexless marriage just as much as marriageless sex and yet we only condemn one” and it’s so true, it’s time the Church addressed this issue and took it seriously but to be honest I feel more ashamed about the fact that my husband doesn’t desire me than I would to admit he had been unfaithful. I have told no one about this and I feel so burdened. All the advice out there is for women who withhold and that makes me feel even worse, am I abnormal for wanting some love and attention from my husband? There are no resources out there for women like me or husbands like him who are too blind and belligerent to seek help.
Mexico missionary just to say whereas I hear you about not having money to do big things, you can always do small things. Romance is not about big gestures it’s about thoughtfulness, you can buy flowers, write poems, remember something she likes or even just compliment her and say kind things. All these things add up, you don’t need a lot of money. Many men use that as an excuse for not romancing their wives and it’s a lot of crock. One of the sweetest gifts my husband ever bought me was a small bar of chocolate, I was just touched he remembered I liked that particular brand, it meant so much more than a bigger gift. I don’t wish to sound cruel but the fact you had this problem in your first marriage should tell you something, that you are just as much to blame as your wife.
My husband won’t even talk about it. I talk, he listens, then blames my weight, my health, we had an argument (of any sort I’m guessing)… I gained weight, yes, and am losing it, the disease I have I cannot change (but being intimate would actually help the pain I am in), and argument (? any argument? how long do I have to go without saying I don’t agree with him on something – and we rarely argue anymore). I say that I love him, want him, proud of his work, efforts, etc. I have cried to him several times through the years because he has no desire to even touch me other then a light kiss, holding my hand. And then he watches numerous shows, movies with naked women, full frontal, some violent sex, and has been on porn sites (one was a local hook-up he visited several times). He gets angry with me when I bring up this problem, and I have tried several ways. He says that I am selfish (1 time in 15 months – and he never touched me, except inside-not his hands. no kissing, nothing) Selfish?! I feel so rejected. Lonely. Angry. I get depressed. I pray every day to help me through this. He is so private about everything. And loves his smart phone. I love it when I get too close, and the screen suddenly changes. I came here to not feel so alone and how to get through this. I can’t imagine spending the next, what, 40 years, never being touched? I need it like I need air to breathe. ANY touch. Thank you. I needed to vent.
Dear CC, I am guessing you are a sister in Christ. God bless you and keep you strong. I just went through this and decided to stay and work on my marriage. I have hope to offer you, but I also have a harsh truth. Your husband is almost certainly having an affair online or cheating with multiple people online. What scares me is the local hook up site. I know you know this in your heart so I am telling you nothing new. Now pause, feel my arms around you tight giving you the biggest hug ever and realize that Jesus feels your pain and is angry with your husband’s sin. My husband had his cell phone with him in every room he would go in. Even when bathing or outside. He had an affair with a separated woman in another state and they planned to meet for a week locally which was scheduled to happen a month after I found out. He had also had a couple of one night stands online before her. She was separated from her husband….Get this….Because he cheated on her!!! So she does the same thing to me?? Our entire marriage of almost 20 years I have chased him for sex. I would say that 8 or 9 times out of ten he has rejected me. He came out of another long term marriage where she always said no. I suspect it made him feel less a man and turned his desires off. But he told me during our talked that they would stop because they knew it was wrong but within 2weeks or so one would start with sexual innuendos and they would start again. My husband claims to be a Christian. He bought her sex toys and a Bible to bring her to Christ. What saved us was a LOT of praying on my part, asking others on every prayer site I could find for prayer, watching the Love Dare , admitting things I had done to sin against him and cause issues in our marriage and a decent marriage workshop called marriage 911 , look it up on Google. That workshop made him see how he had also done wrong to me long before the affair. But you have to use the workbook and other books they give you and actually use the tools. I have been working to get us back into the books for many months. I still feel much pain. Especially since he has only initiated sex with me about 4 times in a year. I feel like and asked why he couldn’t leave her alone who was never in the flesh, yet had no trouble leaving me alone for months. My heart is broken. I too have lost weight and still am. We both have painful health issues but could work around them on our better days. I would be happy with once a week or twice a month, just to feel wanted and desirable. It’s hard to talk to him about any of this because he gets angry and recently said some very hurtful personal things to me. I don’t know if I can ever forget them because I was hurting to start with and he knew it. His defensive ness is going to ruin us. I need to talk things through but he feels I am beating him up with it if I even tell him how sad I feel. Unwanted. Unloved. Hurt. Lonely. Afraid. It’s to the point my nerves are started to affect my health. But I am determined not to let the enemy destroy my marriage. There is one last marriage workshop I am considering if we can afford it. I need him to heal my pain and prove that he does love me and desire me. I have biblical grounds for divorce but I don’t want a divorce. I just want to stop feeling pain and anxiety attacks and insecurity. I want a good marriage. And I know God can work it out. I hope and pray you can save your marriage with God’s help. One good sign is that he is hiding it. Means he doesn’t want you to know. May be a sign that he does love you deeply down but wants to have his fun. Do not agree to a divorce and do not agree to use the same lawyer. Make divorce as hard as possible if he should ask for one. That often gives him time to realize what he is losing. Mine tried it on me. I ignored the papers. I will pray for you and all out there who are hurting. Please pray for us too.
CC, I am in almost the exact same situation…. In fact reading many of these comments and I am near tears. My husband will not talk about sex at all. I bring it up and he gives me a dirty look. We did a marriage class through our church and he was blaming my weight and illness. I have a genetic condition that attacks my joints and causes chronic pain and surgeries. So I have gained a lot of weight. I mention losing weight or going to a bariatric doctor and he is dismisses it. I don’t even remember the last time we had sex. I do know that he never does foreplay it is all up to me. I am following the rule of work and change yourself and he will follow. I am trying to honor him and not be disrespectful. But it is so difficult when my needs are being ignored. He went to the doctor to get labs for his testosterone levels and he walked out with a referral to a gastroenterologist instead. “Oh I forgot” I am so tired of that excuse. We are going to a conference out of state in February held by a podcast I listen to. I hope he will actually listen. When I suggest he listen to their podcast he says that he isn’t like everyone else and therapy type things don’t work for him. I am going to spend the rest of what time I have left with such an unsupportive partner. Because not only does he ignore my sexual needs, but he doesn’t even support my health needs.
Hi I’m in a situation where my husband has withheld sex, affection or any kind of intimacy for several years. He also is mentally, physically, verbally abusive as well.He is passive aggressive, narsisstic as well as sociopath. THIS individual has destroyed and ruined the family unit.It doesn’t help that the church turned a deaf ear to my pain and suffering. (Yes that’s right a CHURCH told me to be nicer and submissive and just maybe he won’t yell at me,torment me, smack me around,refuse to pay bills or find work most of time ,degrade and belittle me and the list goes on…..)So believe me I have tried everything to get this selfish and mean man to change but nothing worked.Yes he used to go to church regularly while he did all that to me.He is a charmer that fools doctors, family ,church ,coworkers,you name it.He is sweet as pie to others but torments me on the side of course when Noone else is around.What do you say to me or other woman when they have tried to do what you suggested and you are still treated horrendously by their not so nice and selfish husband.What do you say to a woman who suffers daily with an abusive man who Withholds love,affection sex for years on end and gets away with being an abuser.Not easy to serve your husband and be submissive or be godly to a man with phycological problems that doctors etc.do nothing about.It’s hard to be in a loveless and bad marriage ,but when your spouse gets away with being a jerk and a horrible husband and a not so good provider.(We became with kids almost homeless as he refused to find a good job and refused to help with anything as well.)He brought our family to drought as playing video games and sitting around doing nothing as I work like a dog to take care of family.You CANNOT change some men and you CANNOT expect a wife to be nice and godly to a man that is horrible all the time.This is a guy who smirked and laughed and said (nobody will believe me as he continued to laugh at me as I was crying and crying to church for help) ,A deaf ear was turned to me.Family etc. Also turned there backs on me.So please don’t tell woman to stick it out with men that will never change.Or be nice and submissive to these men.Some are incapable of changing or being nice.My husband sold my wedding rind shortly after we married as he said(he never loved me and I was undeserving of it).He’s a monster not a husband or a man.It’s the man that needs to change and be a loving and sweet husband to their wives.We all deserve love,intimacy etc.No man has a right to take that away from their wife..I’m traumatized from my horrid marriage and though I married a Christian well guess what I married a sociopath instead…Be strong and tough to these men and guard yourself from them because they can wear you down till your self esteem is 0.I disagree Lori with what you are telling woman as there is some men that are just plain bad.
Rita, you and I are in the same boat. There’s been a ton of things that have been done to me over the 40+ years of this “marriage.” Things similar to what you have described. Over the years, men have hit on me several times and one told me it’s because I have an “aura of vulnerability and availability” to myself, although I have always been faithful to my “wonderful” husband and never once slipped. But I so long for companionship! Now I have a diagnosis that will probably take my earthly life within the next year or two – and to hear it was a blessing. We have children but no grandchildren and will likely not have any. This world has given me all it has to give, and it’s mostly been rot. I’m just preparing for the day when the Lord takes me home; I’m longing for it, truth be told. I will have the Lord to be my Companion and Friend, and who is better than He?
I’m astounded to think you mentor. It frightens me actually. Do you have a license to mentor these woman or are you just thinking you are knowledgeable enough through your own marital trials? Mentoring in this field (Psychology) requires professional expertise. I will side with Sheila.
It frightens me that you’re one of those people that trusts anyone who has credentials. Just because a person has credentials doesn’t me they know everything. Ever thought of that?
I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can see the big picture and the pain and torment this can cause in some situations.
Usually its the men that get shafted in the refusal department. No pun intended. Women use sex as a carrot on a stick as a way to get men to become the image of what they imagined he would naturally become under their loving care. In other words they marry an idea of a husband not a real person and are dissappointed with their mate. This dissappointment is either acted outblatentky through word or action towards the husband. It becomes a turnoff for him and sex declines. Also many American wives let their bodies go after marriagr or at least children thinkibg its ok because they shjould be loved as they are. They still feel negative about their self image and men pick up on their constant need for affirmation and their insecurities. Its also a sexual turn off. Asa man i suggest make a visual effort because like it or not men are turned on visually as welk as by a woman who wants to turn them on. Men are insecure too and like it when womeb desire them. Makes them feel secure and loved and respected. Ill emphasie that last point RESPECT. this is number 1 for men. Respect him whether you think he deserves it or not esoecially in public and he will rise to the occasion. Demean or criticize him and he will get discouraged and hide in his mancave. Anyway my wife and i have not had sex for over3 years. I actually gave up and told herfrom now on she doesnt have to havesex with me. Most of my friends including women say thats bullshit and i should have divorced her by now. My pastor says to just put her fist in everything. She is no longer a believer. I work with models everyday and get hit on all the time because i am very fit but even though i live in a convenience society i just deny myself. Its just sex after all andmy daughter ismore important.i live with my wife but this is in no way a home or marriage but life is hard andwe are not entitled to a blissful life. I told believe thechurch should meddle in peoples lives so directly. We are adults and need to make our own decisions. A word from a friend is different. But we dont have other couples we are both friends with amd since we live in Japan there are notany Christians.
I want to respect him but since he has been withholding ALL sex and affection I cannot. He says he’s withholding because I need to TRUST him first. That is his false requirement. What he forgets is that we are married, that is the only REAL requirement. He is not to withhold as a method to control and manipulate. So no more trust for someone who can do that. He blew it.
This is so very familiar ladies. I understand all these posts are from long ago. I have been through this for almost 7 years. 7 years of darkness and loneliness and tears and lonely sleepless nights. I sincerely hope that at least some of you have found peace and consolation, some release in your hard situations. Mine is only getting worse. We are married for 12 years now. The beginning was OK. A lot of fun. Not that much sex but it was enough to work out. After we had our first child everything changed. He changed. He stopped touching me. He moved to a other room. He had his mother live with us. After a few years of struggle we only had sex once and we conceived our second child. He didn’t touch me after it. My son is turning 6 soon. The last time I had sex was almost 7 years ago. And the thing is that I know he loves me. But there is no desire. He keeps telling me that I am too fat for him to touch me. But i was fatter when we married. I am wondering how and where he finds his release. It doesn’t let me alone. This thought just destroys me. He has become even abusive verbally and physically. He is very nervous. I tried to lose weight for him but it seems like his attitude deprives me of any motivation. I am scared to talk to him because I am scared of his reaction. He won’t allow me to even approach him. I stole a kiss the other day after a struggle. And his kiss was very passionate. But it stopped there. I guess his mom and the kids were around. What can I do? He sleeps in the other room. I never have a chance to be with him just the two of us. His mom is always around. I don’t get a chance to speak to him about our problems. How can I get a chance to have sex? And the most hurting is that he doesn’t seem to notice that is relationship with me is falling apart. He has already destroyed so much of my affection to him because he has been constantly rude to me. And I still want to keep us together. I love him. And I know he loves me. I can’t understand how he could allow our everyday problems affect US?!!! I am desperate. I really don’t know how to fight for our relationship. I am Christian and I can’t easily break a family. Besides I grew up without my father and would not let me kids repeat it. Sometimes I am ready to leave. I started looking at other men with desire which really kills me because I love my husband and I know I shouldn’t do it as it is not a Christian way. I just want him to realize that I care about us and that sex is very important because we must regain our intimacy and our loving and caring relationship. I don’t want to think of him as taking care of himself when I am itching for sex and have so much to give him and he just keeps ignoring and hurting me so deep as a woman. Please help. I don’t know what to do. It is impossible to see a specialist or to talk to somebody about this. He won’t do it. I lost my interest in life. What can I do?
I am going through something very similar. Hard to find anybody to talk to. Men like these are heartless and cold. While we are tormented they don’t give a rats ass about our feelings. I am a strong christian, a faithful good wife but deal with verbal, emotional and financial abuse by my husband on so many different levels.
I have been going through this for 15 years. I had a break down last year as I cant cope with it anymore. Soon after we married, like 7 months, whilst my husband was in hospital, I found out he had been holding hand with one of the nurses and exchanging kisses. There have been others since and he always makes out I have blown it up out of proportion. Like I walk into our lounge and there he is stroking the bare leg of lady visitor and massaging her foot which is in his lap., he denied that he was doing anything wrong , it was me I had a dirt mind !! . I got our minister involved. 2001 he was appointed a PA and our marriage started to get really bad. Beginning of 2002 apart from once in the August of that year after she had telephoned him while we were away on holiday , we havent had sex since. Its, my fault he says. After she left, the PA, He was sent to an STD clinic in the November of 2002 . I received a call telling me I needed to go in and get checked because I might have caught a nasty disease but he denies he has done anything wrong. . He went for counselling last year but told the counsellor he was impotent, which his consultant had told him in 2006 he wasn’t, although because he hasn’t been near me for so long may well be the case now. Our home if we sold it is not worth enough to buy 2 houses so I am stuck living in the same house and I am at my wits end.
And what do I do to a husband who sex life depends on money and his moods. He can leave me without sex for months to a year. He leaves randy. And as devil roaring like a lion looking for who to devour. An ex boyfriend who I dated before my husband will always call me at such times. I sometimes wish to have sex with him and I ask God for strength not to and banish the thought from me. What am I supposed to do
Kelly, I would say that when a man chooses to not have sex with his wife, and I have gone through this and AM a godly wife, the problem lies in the spouse. I have experienced exactly the same thing with my husband, and he said it was my fault. I have bent over backwards in my marriage to make it work and still nothing has changed. I don’t know what to say for you, you posted quite a long time ago, but I am through. the choice he made is his, not mine, and I did not add to it. And JK is God’s will for us to fell like crap in the waiting? just wondering. I’m humble, but also human and my husbands clear rejection of me lies on him, not me.
Good point Maggue. Even Paul stated that the entire REASON for getting married is for sexual reasons. 1 Corinthians 7. If a spouse is withholding, that is not fulfilling the reason for marriage and is deceitful to the spouse who wants and rightly deserves sex.
What you are doing is SPIRITUAL ABUSE and a very dangerous practice to the kingdom of God. You are actually aiding and abetting the enemy. This is the kind of not only non professional but anti Christian “counsel” that destroy the faith of many. It is the ultimate deception to use Scripture out of context to advise devastated and rejected women to submit to an evil deceptive spirit. It is shameful and an abomination to the cause of Christ. There is NOTHING that is redeeming about the “advice” you are giving. I pray that God will cause you to cease and desist and that He will bring what is hidden in darkness to light for the healing of all.
Sheila,
Thank you so much for taking a strong stand on this! If more do the same, things will change.
Thanks especially for the “as if they are placing the blame at your feet” comment. Marraige problems usually have his and her roots, but to blame a lack of sex on the one being refused is like blaming an affair on the one cheated upon.
I was actually told when my husband had an online affair ” well what did you do to make him do that” and ” if he cheated on you, you must have done something to make him do it” and “you weren’t nice enough to him so you deserved it” . The pastors assistant suggested I look at my part in causing his affair. She then handed me a few handouts on forgiveness and a page of counseling referrals for therapists starting at $100 an hour. Since we were fighting forecloser at the time it wasn’t very helpful. I was able to find an intern who would see us. When the subject of my husband’s refusal to have sex for over a decade came up, I was asked how I contributed to his lack of desire.
The experience was very much like when I was assaulted and dumped on the church lawn. I was in so much shock that when someone asked me what happened I told them. I was shaken and yelled at “what did you do to provoke him, NO man does something like that without being provoked”
There are many people who can and do verbally attack the wounded for being wounded.
Debbie,
my heart goes out to you in this as well as all the other women who are suffering due to this level of deep hurt.
I too sought the help of the ‘church’ & Godly advice when my husband was almost terminated from his employment after it was discovered he had downloaded porn onto his desktop. He has NEVER confessed to this, only tried to pin the blame on another co-worker for trying to ‘sabotage’ him! It has been almost 4yrs and ALL of this has destroyed my trust in him or desire to even be touched by him. The ‘church” told me to ‘fast’ and pray & seek God. THAT was it.
THEN I had a referred ‘Christian counselor’ who was member of that same church tell me to LEAVE him…as did a professional Christian Counselor connected with Focus on the Family! When they learned of the ongoing attempts over the years of my trying to seek counsel dealing with all of his lying, porn issues…THEY were the ones, these 2 separate women (godly) counselors, who directed my attention to WHAT it was I actually dealing with.. They both, independent of each other, discussed Passive Aggressive Behavior that can absolutely destroy a woman and send her into a ‘crazy cycle’ all the days of her life. I have tried to surrender every part of my marriage to the LORD and nothing has ever changed…ONLY worsened…because to remain in this type of abusive relationship only gives way for ‘enabling’ him to worse behavior. The LORD says for wives not to separate from their husbands….but HE ALSO said.. IF you do, remain single or else return to the marriage. HE KNEW that in some cases it would be necessary for temporary separation in order that the seriousness of whatever offenses are taking place, can be dealt with.
REGARDLESS of the advice to leave my spouse by 2 separate Christian counselors, I remained for the sake of our teenage daughter. But i can see now, how all of this is slowly destroying her as well. I see the pain in her face regularly. I need courage and faith to do what is right..and sometimes it’s the thing we LEAST want to do. Many women want MOST to get out.. but I have LEAST wanted to leave.. which could be the very thing the LORD needs me to do so HE can deal w/my husband in a manner that he deserves apart from myself & my daughter!
Unbelief and Ungodliness are the core of most failed marriages.. My husband has ‘chosen’ the wrong path. Unbelief and rebelliousness against GOD Almighty & HIS Son, our Savior.
May the LORD bless you & strengthen you as HE leads you this journey.
blessings always dear lady
.
Donna, I understand your pain!
Last night my wife told me that the reason she does not want to have sex with me is because she never really loved me. She has always wanted to go back to Colombia, even if it means leaving me. I told her that a separation, not a divorce, would be he best thing for us right now. I still love my wife, but it is too difficult to live with a wife who only wants me as a roommate who pays the bills and would rather be with her family in another country than with me. (She wants to stay with me until December, when she wants to go back to Colombia.) I have been a good, loving husband to her, so even for her that is not the issue.
I hope and pray the day will come when God will be able to put the same love in her heart for me that I have for her. When that happens we will have another honeymoon! However, for right now, I believe God is telling me to let her go, but not to give up on the marriage.
I know that some might tell me if I love my wife as Christ loves the church, I should let her stay with me as long as she wants to. However, what these people do not realize is that even though Christ loves the church, if the church continues to be in rebellion against Him, He will withdraw His presence from the church in order to discipline her until she repents.
I think you are right in your feelings and you’re being more than fair with a separation.
If she has not had sex with you, you might be able to annul the marriage.
Amen to that
I’ve been in a sexless marriage for 30 yrs
I was young and beautiful and tender hearted
After being married my “husband” basically said he was A sexual (then don’t marry dude) I suspect more to it but he would not and still will not communicate
I’ve stayed for so many reasons including not wanting to take my life and daughters into an unwholesome lifestyle
Now at 54 I’m asking God for a new life
This “marriage” has resembled bondage, captivity, etc
I have health problems and wreckage from the dysfunctional marriage
I’ve been seeking Gods wisdom on this I’ve been asking him
for the strength willingness to do what he wants me to do
The great commission what purpose he has for me the influence on my new grandson etc
The damage from being in this had brought out the worst in me but staying close to Jesus brings out the best in me stuff I didn’t know I had
God
Is greater
I continue the good fight of faith whatever God wants
I must believe
I must receive his courage and come out of the snare that the enemy has had me in for a very long time
I snare of reacting,hurting,bewilderment
Keep my focus on The Masters will
Beompanioned with the HolySpirit
For me it has taken a long time to realize the marriage has been a carbon copy of the pains and patterns of my family of origin with God I had to go back and find where the original pains accured , bring them into the light process them then be healed from them
Kelly (in response to)
I am sorry for the response you got. Sadly most in the church do not come along side of abused women, who have husbands who makes all believe he is ok, and that he is the true victim. You sound angry, I have been there, as a young women I was so angry and broken . I still am. I have been married 31 years. I am sure you are in an abusive marriage. My marriage started out , by him having emotional affairs and going out with other gals, hitting me, and deflecting anger towards the children so I would do or act as he would want me to be. After 7 years he became a christian, the hitting stopped, and his outings with other women stopped. But the abuse continued, he is an expert at turning things around and me being the person in the wrong. He uses every communication tactic known so covertly that I don’t even get it. every serious conversation I am left angry, confused, and turned around. He has withheld affection outside the bedroom, I would give him hugs and kisses for years and years. Cause I needed touch. As years went by I gradually decreased my advances(outside the bedroom) to see if he would give me a hug or kiss or touch me first. Then about 6 yrs. ago I stopped completely. Nothing from him. And I had grown tired of asking for a hug or kiss. I wanted to feel wanted. In the bedroom our sex life as a whole was miserable. Nearly nonexistent, and I don’t want to go into detail about it. All I know for sure that when I got contentment, and got on top of my housework, and rose above the difficulties of life, or got closer to the Lord. He had a arsenal of tactics to bring me down, breaking agreements, lying , crazymaking communication, withdrawal of affection completely. At 53 yrs. old I have no job right now, a 19, and 9 yr. old still at home. I have 2 bitter adult children that resent their Dad, don’t respect me, their Mom. And I have a husband who still won’t let me be an equal, in decisions our agreements don’t matter, he breaks them. And he has to be better than me , in intellect, in work ethic, and spiritually. He still undermines me with those same tactics as before, when he sees me happy. Sometimes I think I’m crazy, is this my marriage? Is he doing that? Then I look back in my journals see the same thing over and over again. Sadly, I have nothing left to give him, my fight has gone out to save my marriage. And he knows it, he knows that I’m here for my son. I want the best for him. My heart has slowly over the years has turned to stone for my husband. I don’t want to really talk to him , do things alone, or be in the same bedroom with him. He can’t stop doing these behaviors. And he does not want me. really. and I know it.
Proverbs 30:21 an odious unloved women, the earth trembles……
Kelly I feel your pain.
@ Lynn the quoted verse is Proverbs 30:23
Lynn,
I’ve just read your reply and thought ‘i could of written this” I’m crying & heartbroken & have lost all hope
except for my belief & love in Yeshua my Savior and all that HE has promised for those who love Him.
I’m so sick in my heart & beyond words in anguish and I want you to know that one day we will never again
have to think on these dreadful days. No advice, prayer or counsel has EVER brought forth any type of
change because it Takes TWO.. NOT one to be united. All I can say is that a TRUE follower of Yeshua
our Messiah & Deliverer isn’t going to have a SEPARATE agenda, and they will know & be able to hear
from the leading Holy Spirit regarding what is right & wrong. May you ever be filled with the love that our
blessed Savior Yeshua want you to cling to.. and perhaps I too, can be an overcomer in HIM who died for me!
love to you and many prayers for your heart to be healed!
Many times this happens also to men whose wives have left them for no good reason, The attitude by many in the church is, “What did you do to run her off?” These are Job’s friends and they definitely need to be avoided!
I love the idea of churches taking up the banner for more intimate marriages. If we would stress that sexual faithfulness in marriage involves being engaged physically in the marriage, a lot of heartache could be prevented. We tend to look at the subject narrowly, as you said — “did he/she cheat?”
I see this in other areas as well. Ultimately, there is a selfish attitude of how little can I do to be in the safe zone. Teens ask this with “how far is too far?” and I’ve heard Christian wives ask “how little is enough for my husband?” Wrong question. We must ask: “How can we experience the intimacy God desires for us in marriage?”
I agree that bringing in a church leader or counselor may be the path to pursue for some of these couples. I pray that when someone in such pain searches for a fellow advocate in their church, they will find a biblically-sound, compassionate leader to intervene and speak the truth in love. Blessings for tackling this tough subject, Sheila!
J, I read in your blog that you had an active sex life before you got married. Has that negatively impacted your marriage? I’ve heard that it usually causes issues. My husband and I were each other’s first everything – even first kiss. (Well, I did kiss one of my girlfriends in fifth grade because we wanted to know what it was like – we even hummed the wedding march beforehand! It was hilarious.) My husband and I met while we were still teenagers. We started having sex four months after our first date, but we’re still together so it’s not something I regret. We have a lot of sweet memories from that first year. I know, however, that it usually doesn’t work out that way. Anyway, did your husband have a hard time accepting your past sex life? Has it affected the intimacy in your marriage at all?
The next verse talks about putting the person out of the church if they don’t listen to the church, so obviously this isn’t entirely applicable to marriage
The Puritans of early America once excommunicated a man for the sin of not having sex with his wife.
Really? That’s interesting. And goes to what I’ve always suspected: The Puritans weren’t prudes at all!
I would venture to bet that many more wives withhold sex from their husbands then husbands from wives. Although I think men withholding sex is starting to be more common based on a few things.
But I really wonder how the church would handle it when a woman refuses her husband sexually and it was brought before them. I am willing to bet that the husband would be told to “just love her more”. I say that based on my own experience.
While if the husband was withholding sex, the church would probably suspect him being in to porn or having an affair.
I have sadly found in my case, I just do not want to have sex with my wife any more as I am no longer attracted to her. You had mentioned in another post about the years of rejection and how they can wear someone down. It is interesting now, after many many years of being rejected that I am no longer interested in sex with my wife even though she is starting to initiate it herself. Please do not think I pestered her or I was not aware of romancing and loving my wife. I would make that a point and not mention physical intimacy for weeks, when we were first married. No response from her. I would then try to talk to her lovingly and she would be very very offended and tell me that I should just love her the way she is. Add in to that the weight gain, not talking 30-40 extra pounds, talking about somewhere around 2x those amounts.
What I find even more hurtful is how frequently, before we were married, she would try to have sex with me and then once we were married, it pretty much went to once a week and then once every other week to then once a month over the course of the next year. I really think I was set up with a bait and switch or tricked in to marrying this woman who pretended to really like sex.
Also while she is initiating it is hard for me not to be bitter or find much joy in it, as the frequency has not increased it is still on the 3-5 week cycle but since I have stopped initiating she has started to.
I am feeling almost to the point that I just want to tell her, “No thanks, I am not in the mood.” Or that I am too tired or have too much other stuff on my mind, because I usually do these days. I mean she went how many years refusing me and I was a selfish perverted husband because I wanted to have sex with her 2-3 times a week. That is pretty rough and I am having a hard time reconciling that in my mind.
Your story is nearly like mine. It has hurt so much having my husband constantly reject me. We have sex once maybe twice a month for five years. I’ve reached my breaking point and am starting to not even be attracted to him anymore. The usual excuses are him being too tired, stressed , or me not being a good enough wife (not being an ocd control freak with house chores).
He gained about30lbs and I have maintain my weight of 115-120lbs even after two pregnancies. His weight gain didn’t bother me because I loved him…..but he has an endless list of things he finds unattractive to me. We went to two different counselors, he didn’t like either, so we went back to him refusing me and us never resolving anything.
I have resorted to porn and madterbation, neither which are fulfilling at all and leave me more lonely and empty than before. We are both in our early to mid 30s and healthy. This started 5 years go!
I would leave him but am financially unable at the moment. I think he gets a power trip refusing me because he has said he is like whiskey to me and I’m a drunk. I think I honestly hated him in that moment. I wouldn’t have sex with him not even if he reverted to the guy I met 9 years ago.
I understand. I went through 5 years of no sex, when I left him, he refused to let me go. Actually complained
to his mother, without telling me. now I am vilified, because I left him in desperation. but i have no
one to turn to.
Completely agree ROI. Sounds like we’re pretty much paddling the same boat. After 15 years I’m finally reaching a point where I at least don’t get angry when I think about how I married a “roommate”…
Since my mastectomy, I don’t even have a roommate. Originally, he moved into the guest room so “I could heal.” It’s been a year. I think could live with no sex right now. some of the drugs really cut your sex drive anyway. But, no affection of any kind – no hugs, no handholding, no kisses. I cannot share my emotional pains and fears. If I try to talk about how I feel about how I look, instead of reassurance I get, “Would you rather be dead, that was the alternative.” Every time I try to confront him about this, he tells the doctors I need antidepressants. (For those who don’t know, they pass them out to cancer patients like candy. They say they help you process and deal with your emotions about your body changes – they usually don’t, they just numb you so you still have to deal with it later.)
There is a lot of information out there for the breast cancer patients about handling sex and intimacy problems surgical and drug treatments cause, but nothing if their husband withdraws. Yet, a large percent of my support group have the same problem with sexual and emotional rejection from their husbands. And the ones who have had reconstruction said it made no difference. And usually, due to medical debts and ongoing treatments, finances and insurance mean we have no choice but to stay. And our husbands all seem to paint themselves to friends and family as saints for staying with us.
Incidently, my husband claims to be a Christian, but has refused to go to church for over 20 years. All of them are too full of hypocrites.
No, they weren’t prudes at all. They emphasized hard work, yes, but only as part of a balanced life. They also promoted wholesome recreation, occasionally had large public feasts, and enjoyed moderate alcohol. And they were very, very pro-sex… within marriage.
They were also advocates of limited government, rule of law, and even the separation of church and state (on that last item, note: both institutions are ordained by, and accountable to, God, but, they have very different missions and shouldn’t be combined).
In other words, just about everything that is (or rather, was) good about America. All this good stuff, they got from the Bible. Funny how that works.
Good summary here:
http://texnews.com/opinion97/hart112697.html
oops that was a reply to your reply…
My husband has shut himself down. He has shut himself off from me. He is very depressed (and when I say very, I mean as depressed as a person can become – I know what depression means, I know what it is, I know what it does, I know how it feels). He is discouraged and hurting. He can’t even function. He doesn’t want to live anymore. He thinks I’d be better off without him. His medication isn’t working – we’re going to the doctor next week to try something else. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much. He has shut himself off from me in every way, including when it comes to sex. I know that when you’re that depressed, sex tends to go to the backburner, but it’s not just sex! I desire him sexually, but I also desire him as my beloved and best friend. I miss him. I miss being intimate with him. He won’t even talk to me. I am trying so hard to fix things for him, to make things better, to make him feel better, but it’s a burden that I can’t handle. What am I supposed to do when he will have nothing to do with me in this sort of situation? Do I address it as sin? Do I patiently wait, asking for nothing, until he recovers from his depression – no matter how long that may be? What if the next medication doesn’t work? When will he want me again? When will we experience intimacy again? What if he leaves me behind?
I love him. I want to grow old with him. I want to be intimate with him. I feel as though the way he has shut himself off from me (in every way) is wrong, I know it is wrong, but at the same time it’s understandable – but does that make it ok? How do I handle this situation? I pray constantly, I have prayed constantly for years for him, for us. What else can I do?
Jen, I’m so, so sorry for what you’re going through. It really sounds like what your husband is experiencing is something external from you. Like you said, he’s shut down from you. So it’s not your fault, and I’m not sure that twisting yourself into knots to find the magical solution is going to work. It truly isn’t your fault. Real depression like this is an illness.
I’m glad you’re going to the doctor. I’d also ask the doctor about how to tell if your husband is suicidal, because this sounds like something quite intense where you’re going to need some help. I’ll say a prayer for you, too.
He is suicidal. He says if we lose the apartment he’s finished, because he’s so tired of working so incredibly hard his entire life only to get nowhere. I want to take him to the hospital, but he won’t go because we don’t have any money to pay for it. So I’m just praying that the medicine we’re getting this week will help really, really soon. I’m also praying that God will show himself to my husband in a mighty way, that He will work miracles in his life – because he is desperate and downtrodden, and we don’t have money for bills, and we need miracles right now. The thing is that my husband is such a wonderful and admirable person, he has given so much to help people at different times, and they took everything from him – including his mother and his brother, who stole tens of thousands of dollars, all of his savings that he worked so hard for, so that we have nothing. And no one is willing to help him, to help us. I know that God has said that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a good future – why is there so much heartache? When will hope and a good future come? When will we prosper, instead of constantly struggling? I believe in God’s promises, I believe there are blessings ahead. The thing is that we need blessings NOW, we need miracles NOW. I don’t know the mind of God, but I am on my knees begging God to reveal himself to my husband this week, in a mighty way, praying that my husband will get several job offers this week, jobs that will make it possible for us to share a car (because we only have one car), praying that God will heal his heart and mind and spirit, praying……praying.
Jen, I was reading your posts and my heart breaks for you. My wife has refused any intimacy with me for over 3 years so I have some idea of part of what you’re feeling. However, what made me want to respond to what you wrote was your continued comments about medicine the doctors may give him. I was married for a long time to my first wife (she passed away about 18 years ago). She went through some tough times with depression. We learned a lot about the drugs that are often prescribed and even more information has come out in the past two decades about these types of drugs. I’m speaking, of course, about antidepressants. If that is what your husband is being given I will warn you that those have been proven in many, many studies to make depression worse in some people, even causing people to become suicidal. Doctors don’t know as much as we think about drugs. They are not trained in them. I would go talk to a couple of pharmacists about the drugs. They are trained in drug use and I would talk to more than one because no one person is always right. They might agree entirely with the doctors, but they might have some warnings you should be aware of. My wife took antidepressants for about 4 or 5 years and I finally started to figure out that they were not only not helping, they were harming her. I woke up because a pharmacist told me of the damage they could cause. I convinced her to stop taking them (which was a battle in itself) but once she did it was amazing after a period of months how much better she felt. Over time she did much better, was better able to cope with life, and then would tell everyone that the best thing she did was to stop taking them.
I’m not saying he should or shouldn’t take what the doctor prescribes. I am saying that we can’t listen to any human and blindly trust them. We must do our own research and learn as much as we can.
I will be praying for you and your husband.
I’m bipolar, so in my personal experience medication has proven to be life-changing in a good way, but I can’t take anti-depressants because of the bipolar disorder so I’m not sure how they operate. I do know that sometimes they cause depression to worsen in some people. I’m wondering if the one he’s trying now is doing that, because it really seems that things have gotten worse. But for years now he’s been depressed, and most of that time he’s been seriously depressed and suicidal, with very short bouts of being able to function somewhat. The first anti-depressant he tried didn’t do anything. The second actually did help, but it caused a side effect that he didn’t like so he switched to the one he’s taking now…..which still causes that side effect, only now he’s more depressed than I’ve ever seen anyone – and I have been severely depressed to the point where I couldn’t function and have been suicidal. His depression reaches lows that are unimaginable. He reached these lows for years before he started taking medication. So we’re going to try the last medication that he took, the one that did help. Thank you so, so much for your prayers, and for the heads up. I will definitely ask the doctor and a couple of pharmacists those questions, as well as do a bit of research on the ‘net.
Jen, just know that we are joining you in prayer for you and your husband, and that God will show you His grace and mercy. I know that in the dark times it’s hard to see or feel God, and all I can tell you is that He is there, and He will see you through.
Thank you, Sheila, so much. I believe without doubt that God will provide for us, and that He will get us through this…..even though sometimes it’s impossible for us to see how that’s going to happen. It’s kind of like Peter said, “I believe – help my unbelief!” Sometimes my husband will wake me in the middle of the night so that I can reassure him that God is with us and will provide. The thing is that he was homeless as a child, so he knows what that’s like, and he knows that it can happen. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your prayers. I know that the Bible says that when two or three are gathered in His name….prayer is powerful. And Jesus said that whatsoever we ask in His name, believing, He will do it. I believe. I believe.
Today I did find a list of churches in our area that provide rent assistance, so I’m going to call them tomorrow….I hope that works out! It would be such a blessing, a real, concrete answer to prayer for my husband to see. And he has a phone interview tomorrow morning….I so much hope and pray that he gets offered that job!
I can’t wait for him to be happy again, and to be close and intimate with him again.
Hi Jen, I was just wondering how you and your husband are doing now? I just read your comments and it’s been several months so I’m just curious if there have been improvements. I said a prayer for you all in hopes that you both are in a better place now.
Thanks for asking, Sheila S! And thanks so much for the prayer!
There have been huge improvements! He stopped taking medication completely for awhile because of the side effects, but things got so bad that around the middle of July he finally realized how bad things were and started taking one that worked again, in spite of the side effects. So that started to work, and it completely changed our lives and our marriage; then he got a really good job in the middle of August! And, he voiced his concerns to the doctor about the side effects, so he was given a medication that combats them.
Things are lovely now. We’re both stable – at the same time! – and doing what it takes to stay that way; and God has provided for us, and we’re almost caught up on bills.
Thanks again for the prayer!
I guess my question is, after reading your whole series on this topic, what do we, the neglected wife, do in the meantime? Now that you’ve been enlightened, if your spouse isn’t yet, then what? (I sure hope I’m making sense here…) It’s hard to sit back and just wait…some of us have been waiting a huge amount of time. If I go seek out a counselor from church (which I want desperately to do), my husband thinks that I’m “telling too much”, and thinks that he’s being bad-mouthed (which is the farthest thing from my mind). So I’m not honoring or respecting him if I do that, but yet I sit and feel rejected/inadequate.
Any thoughts?
I think waiting is probably the most difficult thing to do, but I’m not sure there’s much else to do. I do, however, really think that you should find a mentor. To do so is not disrespecting your husband if you find someone who is not a gossip. We’re told in Titus 2 that the older women should help the younger, and so the unbiblical thing, I believe, is to remain alone. We are meant to be in community in Christ, and sometimes we need others to pray for us and to guide us and to help us. So wait, yes, but don’t wait alone. Pray that God will also give you someone to encourage and counsel you.
My husband and I have been married almost a year already. Since then he has flirted with two females and done some things he should have never done and I forgave him. He had a major porn addiction and he told me he has stopped and as far as I know he has. Before we had our now six month old son i couldn’t keep him off of me and now I’m lucky if we have sex once a month. I don’t know what happened to him but I miss the old him especially now that I don’t look like a baby hippo (lol) When he is in the mood it’s all about his own needs and then he goes back to playing his world of warcraft until he has to go to work. what can I do?
Sarah, I think many women are in your position. I’m going to put your question up as a Reader Question of the Week this Saturday. My quick answer: find other things to do together that are fun. Schedule some of them in. Have stuff planned. Video games are a habit and an addiction; you can’t break them unless you replace them with something else.
This has been the most helpful article I’ve read so far. Especially because I want to please God and help my marriage. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this. My husband uses exhaustion from work to justify constant video/tv/movies to ‘wind down.’ When he finally pays attention to me it’s good, but then it might be weeks again. I’m so starved sometimes and I realize that although I could respond better, he is laid back and passive aggressive. He gets resentful when I ask for help with chores that he normally does but has procrastinated for months/years. I think he then doesn’t desire me and is punishing me by withholding intimacy. He is PA because he had to be that way to function with his demanding parents. I really love him with all my heart and he acts independent of me a lot of the time. Going on vacation is very hard because he tries to sabotage it (money usually). This time he was more honest and said that he didn’t need vacations and it was only because I ‘needed’ a vacation. We hadn’t had one in 3-4 years and over 5 years before. He just wants to go out to eat with me and that’s about it. He also asked me to do things in bed that I’m not comfortable with, so I worry that he has lost interest because I won’t play along? I just want to be loved back! I am only 42 and still attractive.
This seems very PC to me….I gotta believe it’s women cutting men off from sex 90% of the time. Not men cutting women off.
I know it seems counter-intuitive, but in 30% of marriages the wife has the higher sex drive. And on this blog there are A LOT of women in despair because their husbands don’t want sex. It still is USUALLY the other way around, but the number of men with low/no libido is growing significantly lately.
Thank you for your blog…finally I found a godly woman talking to other godly women. I want in my heart to do right by my husband and my two children but I feel so very lonely and depressed right now. I think my husband is withholding sex but I don’t actually know what the definition of this is and was wondering if you wouldn’t mind clarifying it for me. thank you
I would say that if you’re making love once a month or less you have a definite problem with one spouse withholding sex. I’m not saying that once a month is a healthy level; only that once a month generally falls into the term of virtually “sexless marriages” and does need to be addressed!
thank you for taking the time to reply…i have a lot to think about and reading your blog has helped. I need to find someone to talk to because since I am the one in the situation, it is very hard to see clearly. Obviously, this is a symptom of some deeper issues. It seems like I have tried everything to try and fix this but to no avail…we have talked to a pastor and he didn’t follow his advice, i encouraged him to talk to his doctor (he won’t), I have confronted him (without success), prayed, etc. I am at a loss and have no idea what’s going on. I feel like I have no say in this area of our marriage. thanks for listening and letting me vent.
I would KILL for once a month. Haven’t had sex in over 11 months. Even my trained (male) psychologist told me to come to terms with the fact that I will never have sex again. And I can’t stop sobbing as I type this.
Yeah, once a month, WOO HOO! Gave up every other woman on the planet, or at least a chance with them instead, for once a month.
Didn’t even go from wine, women, and song for beer, the old lady and TV. Cannot have beer to ease the aches of 14 hour days and arthritis, complain if I watch TV she doesn’t “approve of” while living on heating pad until I can loosen up enough to get to her “list”, for “let’s get this over with”, teeth gritted, I don’t want to be here sex once a month. If at all. List has to be finished before even that can be considered.
List always changing, and always getting longer, and more expensive. Maybe I need to get another job with all my “spare time”.
I mean all the “church lady lynch mob” has granite countertops. To cook once a week? OK, right! Which fast food joint packaging should I match the color to? Maybe you can ask all your “Facebook buddies” you chat with all day long.
because you never talk to me unless it is to add to the list or tell me how lazy I am while you are “chatting” away.
Even this is a “pass” for women, I think, because I have learned there is usually a hormone spike around ovulation time that can cause a grudging spike of interest in spite of the most grudging, determined efforts to find a “reason” NOT to. Good thing too or there wouldn’t be any of us left to melt the stupid ice caps.
Tom,
Maybe 90% of the time it is the woman cutting off the man but that’s not what this original post was even about. The “majority” gets the attention on this issue… but what about the “10%” (in your comment) of women who are desperate and needing answers and a solution? That’s the point of this thread. My husband and I have only been married 3 1/2 years and he withholds sex from me. He’s been doing it for at least the past 3 years… it’s gradually gotten worse. We went to Cancun last year for a late honeymoon and we did it only 2 times the whole trip. That was on October and we didn’t do it again until January, then in August of this year. My birthday and our anniversary are both at the end of April and we didn’t do it even around that time. I instigate it, but he rejects me. He’s either “sick” or “too tired” or “wait til Friday when the kids leave” or “wait til you’re done bleeding” or “we have to be up early tomorrow… let’s do it this weekend”. It’s empty promise after empty promise, excuse after excuse for why he declines. I know he’s not into porn or other women, but he just has zero interest. He says it’s because he had a vasectomy several years ago and psychologically has no drive but he doesn’t do anything to try to fix that, although he is getting reversed next month and hopefully some of it comes back. He has also said that he needs a release and he hasn’t been working out so he doesn’t want sec because he doesn’t get a release… but he can get the release through sex! He barely even touches me and when I kiss him he just gives me a peck on the lips and pushes me away. I don’t don’t know what to do. When we talk about it he gets mad at me and acts like it’s not a big deal. Sometimes, he says he will work on it but then nothing ever changes. I just don’t know what to do… I feel so unwanted and rejected.
The “10%” of women being pushed away face something real too… it is a problem for us too. 🙁
I know that my husband and I have a problem, and I think that it is on both ends. He is the typical male – with a crazy sex drive. Early in our marriage, I just couldn’t give it to him enough and that made him feel rejected. To this day, he still holds that against me. A few years ago, I vowed to not reject him. But somehow, I am rejecting him now with out even realize that I’m doing it. He assumes that when I don’t initiate sex with him that I am rejecting him, and very rarely initiates sex with me. I like sex and I want to have sex with him. But we have kids and we both work and we are tired. Sometimes I fall asleep watching tv, and I have told him plenty of times, please wake me up, and let me know you want to have sex, and I will reciprocate, but don’t wait for me to initiate. He wants it probably 200% more than I want it. That doesn’t mean I don’t want it and it doesn’t mean I won’t give it to him if he asks for it. So if a week goes by that I haven’t initiated, you can assume that a week has gone by that we have not had any sex. And if a week goes by, he feels rejected, and then starts to purposely avoid sex with me, and in a sense, rejecting me. I will catch on to what has happened (he’s not very vocal about his feelings) and then seek to initiate sex and he will in his own ways tell me no and usually rolls over and goes to sleep. It’s been over a month now, and he doesn’t look at me, touch me, or have sex with me. I want to get things back on track and I want to stop playing these games. I feel like I am guilty, but then again, I feel like I cannot be the only one in the relationship to initiate, either. I’ve tried telling him this before, but nothing changes. If you talk to him about this, his story is that I continue to reject him. I admit, I have rejected him, but not in the sense of no, i’m never having sex with you. But in the sense, of one too many times, I’ve turned him down because I was plain tired. I love him and want to have a great sex life with him, but this huge hurdle stands in our way. What should I do???
That’s tough, but so typical! It sounds like you just have a lot of baggage, and you need to work through it and start fresh. I wrote a post on this here. And you may find working through my 31 Days to Great Sex helps you to talk about these issues and stop assuming things about each other, too!
Thanks for responding so quickly. I guess it’s somewhat of a relief to hear that it’s somewhat typical. The baggage is obviously baggage that we created, because I don’t think it was there before we got married. I actually have the .pdf for 31 Days to Great Sex in my shopping cart right now! I was thinking of giving it to him for Valentine’s Day. How would you suggest I present it to him?
There are coupons that you can give him announcing it! I think I sent you a link to them, but I’d suggest printing those out and putting them in a card!
Thanks, I just received that email with a link to the coupons. I’m excited to get this started! I hope he responds well to it.
Dear Sheila,
I’m coming to the conversation late, but I’m glad I got here. It’s too late for me but its a pleasant surprise to find I wasnt alone. My husband and I married in 2003 and our sex life had all but disappeared in the time we became engaged and the time we married. In all these years he never once initiated sex and I havent been touched at all since 2005, he hadnt even tried to kiss mein many years. We were good friends, I used to think, but that was all. I cant even tell you how many times I tried to talk about it only to be met with silence. The emotional toll was devastating and I developed severe depression. We finally separated in June of 2012 because the emotional pain of having him in such close physical proximity but refusing to touch me was too much. Within months of our separation, he began dating a much younger woman (his adult student) and blasted his new found happiness all over facebook for everyone to see, including me. I was utterly devastated and after a particularly viscious phone call attempted to end my life. I spent eight days in a psych hospital and when my husband was invited to attend a family discharge meeting he accepted. He came alone, told none of my family, and then very publically washed his hands of me. This was December of 2012. Just last month he used my account to buy his girlfriends valentines day gifts so I would see them when I balanced my checkbook. (I have since closed that account). I’m still reeling under the hostility of his actions. Like I said, its too late for me because divorce is a certainty. But Im glad I stumbled acrossed this blog and know I wasnt alone. I’m still struggling emotionally so if anyone has a kind or encouraging would out there, I’ll take it.
Diane,
I am so very sorry about the painful experience you have been through – and the pain you continue to feel.
Sometimes it’s hard, even impossible, to understand what motivates people. Perhaps the best thing to do
is to cut your husband loose completely, if you’re not connected because of children or something else
that will require ongoing interaction.
Not a one of us can control another. All I can control is myself and how much access others have to me.
Please, find some support for yourself, friends, healthy (emotionally) family members, a support group, church.
You are important and precious. Our Lord wants to give you abundant life and wholeness. Recovery from this
relationship is possible. You can be whole again. Please take one day at a time, things will change for the better.
I’m so late seeing your post.
Please hang in there and realize that your life will improve. I had the same situation. My husband decided the night we got married that sex was never to happen again…except he didn’t tell me. He just rejected me every day for 12 years.
I’m a very pretty woman, cooked, cleaned massaged him but still nothing. I made up coupons offering him a variety of sexual acts including lots of oral sex for him and still nothing. We were both the head of an international company and one day I found out he was sleeping with an employee. I was devastated. Not only had he rejected me sexually but he was giving my love to another woman. One week later I filed for divorce. During the 4 years it took to unravel our finances, he and this woman lived together and flaunted their relationship. I was determined to move on and did. They lasted another 3 years and eventually broke up because she wanted to get married. He couldn’t do it. He eventually apologized and told me that he finally realized how his rejection made me feel. He said he was always looking for the perfect woman and he had her all along…me. He tries to sleep with me all the time but I say no and will never sleep with him again. Why? Because I’m engaged to a man who can’t keep his hands off me. I’ll never go back. You’ll be happy again.
I am going to keep in my prayers
Hi Chris.. And hello to all, I am here because I like to find answers and is in a situation like yours. I have only been married for 6 months and feel like I am heading towards a sex less marriage. I don’t know how to address the problem. I married my highschool classmate dated for about 2 months, during that time he was so in to me that he wanted to get on my panties immediately but I refused many times because I wanted marriage and a real relationship, I wanted sex of course but wanted to wait until its ok to give it all. To cut the story short.. We where married , I like any other wife was so excited, but then to my surprise he only initiated sex once .. During the day after our wedding, after that it was always me wanting it.. And there was even a point where he said he was to tired and that he was not in the mood.. I snapped, I was so emotional that I cried and told him I feel I was not attractive, he said I should just try to understand him. He is an average guy, his romantic in his own ways.. Tells me he loves me always , does house chores, works, we go to the gym together, we do have nice times together, but when night time comes and I want romance he just shuts off.. I have to initiate foreplay and then we will have sex, and I do feel his passion on it. But I just wish it would happen more often since we are young married couple and just started a married life. I am baffled by his action towards intimacy.. 🙁 I love him and I do know he loves me too, but he just lacks that sex part… I don’t want to leave him, but I fear that if he doesn’t change.. i might be forced to have a change of heart.
As a woman who’d been in a sexless marriage for over 25 years (most of it sexless), get counseling STAT! Couples counseling, individual counseling and he might need to see a doctor to find out if his lack of a sex drive is physical (there are treatments for this). It’s a good thing you’ve found this out early. I was the one initiating sex the entire time and eventually, I became extremely resentful and am filing for a divorce – a lot harder when you’re middle-aged, have assets, a child and history.
He’s a YOUNG man. Young men are horny, so if he’s not horny, he’s either 1. not into you 2. asexual 3. gay 4. has a medical issue. If 4 is the reason, you might be in luck. The other 3, you might want to divorce. I know this is a Christian site and divorce is frowned upon. However, it’s YOUR life, not your church’s. If on the rare occasion you have sex and you get pregnant, it’s going to be all that much harder to leave the relationship. Besides, if it is one of the first 3 reasons, he’s not going to be happy anyway unless maybe if he’s just asexual. However, an asexual man might be able to find an asexual woman.
If you think sex is important, it IS important. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You need to have someone who is on the same wavelength as you.
I’ve been refused sex, intimacy or any kind of togetherness for over 40 years. Our wedding night was the only time we had sex. The day after it all ended, he thought sex and all that goes with it was senseless, pointless, meaningless. disgusting, stinky, messy a total waste of time and to much work for so little. He couldn’t understand why some one would do that to another human. I fussed and fumed but it didn’t do any good! He decided that to get away from me he moved all his things to the basement, and volunteered to work the midnight shift. And he has told me to leave him alone, don’t talk to him. So for over 40 years we haven’t talked ,I mean really talked, slept together or done any thing together. Its like I don’t exist, I’m just the person who lives upstairs. He has turned into a loner, no radio, computer, tv, no friends, and completely un-interested in the outside world. He’s retired now and things haven’t changed except he looks terrible long ugly gray hair and beard to match and old holey clothes . Looks like a guy who has just crawled out from under a card board box under a bridge down town. I should have left him but I didn’t, he would have never missed me. I just plug along day by day, visit my shrink, and take me anti-depressant meds. Now I’m to old to care any more about myself and him. I hate all men and what they stand for.
I’m afraid this could wind up as my story too. My husband and I have drifted far apart. never hold hands, a kiss goodnight, or any touching. If I am sick, he takes care of me and I believe he still loves me but…
He had prostate cancer 7 years ago when he was 57 and I was 46. Our intimacy has been forever changed and we have only had sex 3 times in all this time. We sleep in separate bedrooms because I could not continue to cry myself to sleep from my loneliness and be able to get up each day for work. I think I literally have starved for his attention. It is the elephant in the room. If I ever bring it up, I wish I hadn’t.
My prayer is that God would allow me this happiness one day again because I have been committed to my marriage.
But I want to have this part of my marriage back and kept hoping but I now realize that it is unlikely.
I keep myself attractive, I have thrown myself into my business because I don’t party or go out. We are together 24/7 because of our company. But What do you do?
I appreciate this forum because it is a big problem.
Prostate cancer surgery can leave a man with ED–he might not be able to perform.
Surgery can also make a man incontinent–he might be embarrassed and not want you to know if he sometimes wets himself.
My husband always wanted more sex than I did and we averaged about twice a week for 28 years. He has always been jealous and accusatory and nothing I would say could convince him that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. He cut off sex completely in December 2011 and only because I threatened to leave if we were going to only be roommates did we have sex twice in 2012. He was mean and cruel with his words and I was utterly alone. Recently, I became suspicious of him and checked his phone. Nothing, so I checked the phone bill online and found over 1,000 text messages to another woman, sometimes 50-70 in less than an hour. It was clear what was going on. I have confronted him and have been forgiving and affectionate though all I want to do is scream. I am saved, he is not. He told me that if he’d known my Christianity was going to be so important, he never would have dated or married me. I’m trying to get him to go to a marriage mediator, but he’s not letting me know if he will. I’m scared that he doesn’t care enough about our marriage to go to the eight sessions she said it would take her to make a huge difference in our relationship. If not for the Lord, I would be utterly alone. He justifies what he was doing and blames it on me. I’ve had breast cancer and a double mastectomy, with reconstruction. The withdrawal from sex came as my reconstruction ended, so I thought that he just had nothing to be attracted to anymore. I also had a full hysterectomy, and so I’m dealing with pain during sex, but I still want intimacy with him. He says he stopped because he was tired of being dependent on me for sex, and has masturbated every night for a year to prove to me and to himself that he doesn’t need me. I cannot sleep now and can only pray that we stay married and something changes. He spent two hours last weekend telling me and my brother how he has no use for God or church, and why now he will not even go with me on Christmas or Easter. He is angry over things that happened 23 years ago and will not forgive anything. Keeps lists of what I’ve done in his phone and ipad…..he’s a very unhappy person and blames me for it.
If he has committed adultry, biblically you have grounds for divorce.
I am a believer…not sure where my husband stands with His relationship with the Father. Over our 15 years of marriage our intimacy especially our sexually intimacy has suffered tremendously. Whenever I would come together with my husband I would feel emotionally drained and lonely. My desire for sex began to wane. I know that I love my husband and desire sexual intimacy but everytime I came together with him, it seemed empty and I would feel even more lonely and unfulfilled. How do I overcome this?
I am a Christian who withhold sex from her husband It makes me feel guilty for doing it but it is not easy to have any kind of intimacy with a man who is selfish and inconsiderate he is not a good provider for his family am working so hard even though I have been struggling with my health for a while I have to beg and borrow sometimes to get to eat years ago our home was up for sale because he was paying the mortgage we were able to save it than now again he gone and borrow money again with out telling me anything and he is not paying the loan it is so hard to have sex under these conditions I don’t know what he did with the money that he borrow I try to get help but it always go back to the same how once he gets what he want that is sex I am stressed out please can you give me some advice
My husband and I have been together a very long time, lets just say over 10 years. He was into heavy in to porn before we got married, and carried that in to our marriage. Over the years he has been verbally and physically abusive. We are both in counseling now and have been for a while, we have separated a few times in the past. We are currently together. Here is the thing, he always looks depressed and bummed out. He is moody and grumpy much of the time, or tired. He wants to have sex with me, and I honestly don’t want to at all. The thought actually makes me sick most of the time. We do have sex a few times a month, not nearly meeting his needs at all or even close. I haven’t found away to just “suck it up” any more and be the good submissive wife. I am a happy person, hard worker, and have my hands full with our children. I love life, there is no greater turn off for me than someone who acts like ” woe is me”….I don’t know how to change these feelings in myself, and I don’t think I can. I am at the point where I am beginning to believe that it is just over, it’s just not there. I don’t even want to talk to him any more really. There obviously is more to this story than what I can put on here….But it was really bad, and I FEEL so much better as a person when I am not even around him. It’s like he literally sucks the life out of me. Which is really hard to do….
he always looks depressed and bummed out. He is moody and grumpy much of the time, or tired.
All symptoms of once or twice a month for most guys.
Especially if we talking about years. Not excusing or accusing. Just sayin’. Egg or chicken doesn’t matter. Result is dead chicken omelet a la marriage. HA!
I have been with my husband for 2 years and I think the way that he gets back at me to withhold sex it’s only when he needs it I get angry and depressed and I get hurt inside it is taking a toll on me mentally and physically I have told him repeatedly over and over and over to move out but I really don’t want to leave cause I know that I really really love him what should I do in my position I have already talked to my pastor he has already came over pastor has already told him that its good to withhold sex from your wife my pastor told me the same thing what do you think I should do do you think I should divorce him are separate from him I would never thought in a million years us getting married in me have to separate or have to divorce my husband
Welcome to “Holy Deadlock”. I wish I had something here, but I have been trying to break ours for 35 years. So…I got ‘nuttin.
I have already been told death is my only escape by more than one preacher, so I am waiting for prostate cancer to spread because I don’t want to risk what little I get. No treatments that don’t all but guarantee permanent erectile dysfunction.
Sex is life itself for me, as a non-eunuch male, and probably more than just me too, so why prolong the agony when God is calling me home? She will be free to go do “so much better” with my blessings. See how much luck she has finding a real guy who NEVER expects there to be sex in the ONLY biblical arrangement where it is EXPECTED and allowed. Maybe she can find her Eunuch-corn?
My wife has some big problems. I’ve been married 29 years and her lack of sexuality has destroyed the marriage. We’ve had separate bedrooms for over half our marriage; she just prefers sleeping alone. It’s been years since she has touched me, and for some reason this person has absolutely no need or desire for *any* type of physical contact. When I say “zero”, I mean “zero”. It’s sad and scary at the same time. I’ve asked her point blank what is the reason she shows no interest in this area, and all I get is silence and blank stares. A pastor I know says there is some deep seated psych issue here, or some demon from her past that she never told me about nor has ever dealt with.
Is it even worth pursuing a solution at this point, i.e. at my age? She has all the outward appearances of the godly Christian wife, but has no problem with intentionally sinning against Paul’s command to wives’ duty toward their husbands. So what should I do? The problem is hers, not mine, so I refuse to go to joint counseling since I am not the problem nor the solution. She has some major issues she’s never dealt with, and obviously has not cared enough about the marriage to address them.
Hi Steve! First of all, I realize your post is nearly 3 years old, and I do hope and pray that during that time you and your wife have been able to make some positive changes in your relationship.
My wife and I have been married for 21 years, together for 25, wholly without sex for the last 7 years and “sexless”, as the term is clinically defined, for at least 10…likely more, but I can’t remember that far back.
Over the past 18 months my wife and I saw a marriage therapist jointly, and in my experience, so long as neither you nor your wife have fundamentally changed feelings for one another, I think it CAN help. I have been an absolutely FLAWED husband. Most of my flaws I already knew about, but some came to light only after an independent 3rd party brought them to my attention.
Even if you think you haven’t done anything to cause your wife to shut down sexually, maybe there’s something you and your wife can do together in couples counseling to help rebuild your marital foundation. Many of the therapist’s “tools” don’t make sense unless he/she explains how to use them directly.
I don’t want to use the D-word here, but if it’s even a remote possibility, you’ll want to make sure you did everything possible to salvage your current marriage before you go down that road. (I am a lawyer AND the child of divorced parents. It’s a hell you don’t want to put kids through.) Otherwise, as a thoughtful man AND a Christian, you risk a major future regret. But you are the only one who knows if you’ve made every effort to fix things.
My best regards to you and sincerest prayers for a peaceful marriage and peace of mind.
My partner and I have been together for over 2years and I still love him deeply. HOWEVER . We just had a baby 4 months ago. He was awesome through the whole process. Then when I was home with our newborn (whom had Colic) he told me that he was mandated to work 7 days a week. He therefore would be gone everyday on 12 Hour shifts. This was extremely difficult for me. I was exhausted physically and emotionally . He also would not come home on time. So one day I saw a number come through on his phone . When I asked him who it was he became nervous . I memorized the number and texted it a couple days later. It was a woman….. She said that they met on Match.com and had been dating for a few months(the age of our newborn ) Needless to say I was and still am devastated . He left me and his newborn ata difficult time to be with someone else. Betrayal, deceit, and neglect. How could he? We argued, I forgave. It has now been 5 months and we have tried to put things back together . But when I try tobe intimate, literally pushes me away. I feel disgusting, unwanted, not attractive. and unloved. When I talk to him about it, he says that I confuse sex for love. Not so. He does things that make me feel loved but to push me away when trying to be intimate…. it makes me wonder more and more about his affair…. am I not pretty? not emotionally available?what is wrong with me?? If he loves me why not be intimate? I am broken hearted, really depressed whichis not good because I have a precious,beautiful baby to take care of. Prayers pleplease …
Dear Joy,
Your post was like a heavy-weight sucker punch to my gut, and I cannot begin to tell you the empathy I have for your situation. The day my father brought my mother and me home from the hospital, he literally dumped us on the doorstep and then took off to be with his mistress. So you are where my mother was 40-odd years ago.
I’m on somewhat shaky ground here because this website and it’s content is largely for Christian women. I am a man, and while I consider myself a Christian, I am not one in the most traditional sense. Sheila has been very gracious and allowed me to post a few times, so I want to make sure I acknowledge that fact and not take advantage of her accommodation.
A lot may have happened in the two years since you posted your comment. I hope that it has been for the good. My own father was an over-indulged child, an unrepentant “skirt chaser” who, according to family and friends, probably suffered from a borderline personality disorder, if not full-blown clinical narcissism.
This may or may not be your own husband, but no matter what, you are entitled to fidelity from him, support with the baby (both financial and physical) and certainly a measure of physical restraint and husbandly compassion while your body heals from giving birth. Those things should be given to you without you even having to ask!
Pray for your husband, pray for yourself, but try to get the two of you to a Christian counselor that is sensitive to what you’re going through. Or, go jointly to a secular marital counselor if that’s what it takes. In the meantime, find some support for yourself and your baby, either through your church, a women’s ministry, trusted friends. Take good care of yourself, your baby and your spirit, and don’t make that care dependent on your husband.
Again, I apologize if this is all dated, but the first paragraph of your post snagged my attention like a thorn bush. My warmest wishes to you, and may you and your family find peace!
My husband of 25 years has not had sex or any physical contact with me in 13 years. He started having problems with ED 19 years ago and refused to seek help and yes we have medical insurance. During the first 6 years things were going down hill and it got to a point he could only have sex in one position and not for very long. So I again begged him to see a doctor and a counselor for his issues. To make a long story short, he became angry at me and started refusing sex all together. He told me that I touch him too much, that I was too sexually aggressive and that sex with me was a chore. I allowed him to make me feel unloved, unattractive, undeserving of love and sex pervert for wanting to have sex with my husband. I discovered on 1/17/14, that he was having an online affair and stated that he did it because he was not getting any attention at home. He shut me out and now he wants to lay the blame for his bad behavior at my feet. How do you move forward when he won’t take responsibility for what he has done?
Ann, I am so sorry that you’re having problems with your marriage. In your situation, it sounds like divorce might be the only option if he refuses to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions/behavior. It will be difficult after 25 years with him, but you deserve better. He has issues and it doesn’t seem like he wants to work on improving anything, so maybe you should just move on.
And he had the nerve to state that you weren’t giving him enough attention, to excuse his affair? After you’ve been trying to be intimate with him all this time? He is acting like a selfish jerk and making excuses for his poor treatment of you. I can sort of relate to how you feel, the part where you said that it makes you feel unwanted and ugly and rejected. My husband pushes me away sexually too…I love him, but it is very hurtful and frustrating to constantly be pushed away. It is even more painful because I will admit that I’ve always had low self-esteem, so I often blame myself for him not wanting to have sex with me. I beat myself up for not being a size 4 anymore and not being pretty enough. But then I remind myself that I’m doing the best I can, trying to lose weight, and I’m not unattractive. I’m definitely not what most people would call gorgeous but I’m not ugly and neither are you.
We simply have spouses who don’t appreciate us.
we are married for 8 years.
My wife is withholding sex from past eight months. kindly suggest what to do.
Whenever i take initiative she just refuse. It is now taking a toll on me.
This may be the best article I have read on this issue. It says almost all the things that I have always wanted someone to say to my husband. I think it is just SO important for leaders to come out and say that denying sex is a sin without them just acting like it’s a woman’s sin. Thank you. 🙂
Did it ever occur to any of you that the reasons the churches don’t take it seriously is that it isn’t a sin?! There is one verse that suggests it is (although I think the verse is about good practise, not about sin) and thousands of verses about not demanding rights, having a servant mentality, not giving to get etc. etc.. Yes it is heartbreaking when one half of a couple shuts down sexually but have you thought that by encouraging the wounded spouse to judge the other like this you are actually discouraging them from taking a loving, kindly approach which might, eventually make more progress and encourage intimacy?
How is she encouraging anyone to judge? I think she is saying very simply the following: a.) a healthy relationship should have a healthy sex life, and b.) if someone in a relationship is withholding sex, for reasons other than medical reasons, then the relationship is not healthy. A healthy relationship is a relationship in which, when adequately supplied, we supply each other’s emotional and physical needs. If we are adequately supplied and deny the other access to that supply, then there is something wrong. Is it “judging” to acknowledge that?
I came to know a Christian man who had been together with his wife for 27 years and married for 16. There was sex only once before the marriage in the early days and they were then celibate for 10 years. However they hardly had any sex during the marriage either. According to him the wife was never interested but then she later went off with another married man who had 5 children and she and her husband eventually divorced. In the meantime the Christian man and I had started a relationship and had through the ceiling sex for 2 years but he had periodic feelings of guilt because his church elders were telling him he couldn’t go out with a non Christian nor have sex before marriage. All our major fights were about this and one day he said he wanted to be celibate before marriage and not have sex any more. I felt this ws a) a control tactic and b) a way of saying he wanted out and wanted to date someone else, he had not been very nice to me at times and was setting me up to be controlled by him (trying to tell me what to wear, badmouthing me to all his acquaintances from day one etc). I could also see all the patterns emerging which he had claimed were occurring in his first marriage, and they all seemed to be happening due to HIM!! When prodded, he had previously admitted to finding the concept of sex rather unclean, and celibacy within Christianity helped him deal with it.
Anyway whatever the reason, I wasn’t having that. I told him I wasn’t dating his friends or church elders, that it was clearly a manipulation game on his part, and that he could get stuffed.
Hi, I DO believe it is a sin for either spouse to withhold sex, I do not care if there is a medical issue, it can be resolved. I am writing this out of bitterness, here is my story.
We have been married less than two years. On our wedding night, the trouble started. He could not get an erection. I tried and tried to get him to “respond” but to no avail. I am not ugly and there was no reason for this. He then adds insult to injury and said he did not have this trouble with his first wife. Well, the entire week there, nothing happened, I cried and cried. There was no love at all those days, he was not even interested and on our last night on our honeymoon, he went to bed early and would not join me in the hot tube. We finally consummated the marriage when we got back to my home, but, it was not good, I was not satisfied, it just hurt badly. (I want to add that we had just met via on line, he is from New Zealand) Well, we packed up my stuff and flew over to his home of New Zealand. I left everything for him, my home, college, friends, health. Well, when we got here, the sex got worse and worse and kept dwindling to the way it is now, which is nothing. He shows no love to me, criticizes me, and I feel so unloved, useless and unworthy, I can hardly stand it at times. I am so lonesome as well. We no longer have “regular intercourse” he can not get an erection at all. He blames the epilepsy pills, but, I do not believe it. He refuses counseling, says it costs money.Our GP was talking to us about it, and he gave suggestions such as cuddling without the stress of sex, etc. Well, that is no longer done either. I even have to initiate manual sex, which gives me no satisfaction at all, he never takes any initiative to make me happy. He is most unromantic. He told me once that no one turns him on, I don’t care about anyone else, it is me I care about. He said he has no libido. He has viagra but will not take it as he does not like how it makes him feel. I feel again so undesirable. I still think he is pining away for his ex wife, she started the divorce, it was very nasty, he said he would not go along with it. He says he does not miss her, but I know he does. He one time said he was “spiritually bonded” still to her. I asked the elders here and they said no way.
Anyway, I feel this is a big sin, I am seriously thinking of leaving, I can not take this loneliness and lack of love anymore. I miss my homeland, I would not care if I was here if he showed he cared, but there is no concern for me at all. If it was not a sin to divorce, I would have long ago.
Please pray for him and our marriage. I am trying to be a good wife, I really am.
Hey Jed… I know exactly how you feel… I am facing the same problem.
I love my wife and I know she loves me too. We have two beautiful children and I dont think I can ever find a better woman than my wife so coming here and saying what I am going to say now is really hard but its what I feel after 12 years of marriage. My wife started refusing to have sex about 2nd or 3rd year in to our marriage. Till about last year, I never pondered upon it as I respect her decisions. Mind you though, it did make me sad and at times depressed as well but I still had strong sexual feelings for her. But now, I dont find her sexually attractive. I get sexually aroused but dont feel like having sex with her – its like I am scared that I will have to face yet another rejection and I am not prepared to be emotionally hurt anymore. I used to kiss her every time I left for work and when I came back from work (She works from home) but now I dont feel like it and I dont it anymore. I still love her to death though.
I have done stupid stuff in my life like working too hard at times and coming home late from work but it has always been to create a good life for the family. I do lawn mowing and any physically demanding work at home but it does not seem to help.
Funny thing is, now that I have refused sex a couple of times (first time in 12 years), she says that I have changed and that I dont love her anymore (which is false coz I have always loved her and that will never change).
I know I wont cheat and I know she wont cheat so not sure what is going to happen in he next few months as I have come to point where I am vehemently going to say NO to her. She is NOT getting any action from me. May be that is what she wants………
Roch,
I feel bad for you as well as others who suffer from this issue (spouse withholding sex). In my opinion, its a sin for a spouse to withhold sex from their husband/wife. Intimacy is the invisible string that holds the marriage together. My wife doesn’t seen to think its a big deal; she does very little on her own to resolve it. We have a beautiful daughter. I pray she doesn’t do the same thing to her husband. My wife is an excellent mother, but a poor wife. Years ago, my father gave me advice. The person you marry isn’t going to change. He was right!. My wife has always had a limited sex drive and now she has none. She told me that she would change and work on it. For 2 years she worked on it. After the birth of our daughter, it is no MORE! My wife knows that I would never cheat on her, so she continues to make me suffer. Someone posted that adult is grounds of divorce. In the legal system withholding sex is, too!
My wife walks the line of mental illness. She is up one day & down another. when we have pursued counseling she appears calm & in control, but get home away from another and she becomes erratic. Im sick to death of living with her but my faith will not allow me to leave. My hope is after the kids are raised she will leave me. I pray for God to take her and often find myself cussing her out when no one is around. on her good days I am thankful, but now know they are short lived and simply wait for another of her episodes. She has withheld sex and then agreed to it but claims I am just using her body. she has no involvement or desire. after a week or two of this she told the counselor I was raping her… She is so convincing to others I have given up on counseling because most all see the guy as the shmuck. Now when or if she does agrees to sex, I fear any release, for who knows when she will return to calling it rape. She has been diagnosed by two medical professionals as bipolar and recommended to be on medication by many more Dr.;s. she refuses. she found some counselors who have told her there is nothing wrong with her. We have spent over $10,000 in counseling cost & are worse than when we started. I masturbate when she is not around as she freaks if she sees me. she loves the double standard. And refuses to speak with me without a third party present. She has contacted my family past friends and current telling them I am a sex addict when if we do it 3xs a month its a good month. I truly pray she has an affair or wants out of the marriage or dies. But she needs me as she cannot get a decent job. I hate that I married her for her looks. I was such a fool. she acknowledges her lack of libido & can not tolerate anything but missionary. I love our four kids who all struggle with her mood swings. it scares me what I wish for but I know no other way out. I;m trapped¡
Great article.
What if the person is cheating and you don’t want to “put yourself/your health at risk?”
Are you dishonoring your vows my not having sex with your spouse?
No, I don’t think so at all. If a person is cheating that needs to be dealt with first. I have more on that here.
Ok, so with holding intimacy is a sin. How about the situation where the with holding is completely (mostly?) unintentional? ADHD = no time or follow through on sexy time. This isn’t a case where the spouse is intentionally closed off, they just don’t “work like that”. No. no-no. We tried medication and counseling. That didn’t work. Next check box please?
I found this from http://www.peacemakers.net/peace/divorceforadultery.htm
Take a look.
“May the believing partner instigate the divorce? It would seem so. The Greek of verse 15 reads, literally, ‘if the unbeliever is separarating,’ that is, if he is in the process of breaking up the marriage. Certainly it would refer to actions (or lack of actions) on his part that would indicate he no longer wishes to be married and probably also pertains to a failure to assume the obligations of marriage. According to Exodus 21:10, minimal requirements for a marriage on the husband’s part are food, clothing (or shelter) and sexual relations. When these are not provided by neglect or refusal, the marriage my be terminated by the other party. At any rate, the overarching principle is that failure on the part of a marriage partner to maintain the semblance of a home, in such a way that it is constantly upset by such failure, provides opportunity for divorce, leading to ‘peace’ for the Christian partner.”
Jeff,
at this point in my devastation, I’m tending to lean in agreement with your
logical interpretation! In the past, I have been made to feel (by clergy) that it is my duty to
suffer under the neglect and emotional abuse linked with lovelessness & sexless marriage.
The church fails to see these ungodly behaviors as ‘abuse’ and continued ‘sin’
The fact that I DON’t Want to leave is more than likely the VERY REASON the LORD is allowing
me to see this very post!
May the LORD heal you in a way that is lasting!
Possible root problem. Man takes out girl they become friendly, hold hands, kiss and man moves on to upper body fondling and asks the fatal question “how far can I go?” What he did here was, he give up his “headship” and dumped the responsibility on the girl.If this has happened in your relationship , apologies to the girl even if she is now your wife regain your headship and if not married to her, leave of sex till your married.
When I hear you say that about one sexual intercourse should be considered sexless marriage, I just laugh. The last time I had sex with my wife was 16 years ago.
I’ve been married more than 20 years. I can count the number of times we had sexual intercourse with 10 my fingers – in fact less.
And in case you’re wondering, yes I do dishes. Yes I helped bring up my daughter especially when she was young. I changed her diapers, I fed her, I read to her. Etc. And yes we are born-again Christians. I’ve given up hope. I don’t want to give any more details because I know it’s hopeless. I’m only adding my case here and the number of years of sexless marriage so that more pastors and Christian counsellors wake up and deal with the sexless issue openly, even in sermons and not just behind closed-door sessions.
If pastors addressed this issue directly in their sermons, instead of in the fainting, neo-Victorian prudish sex-isn’t-discussed-in-polite-or-mixed-company way that many denominations do…churches would probably have to hire more pastors to deal with an influx of new members. Seriously, this is a major issue for BOTH men and women and most churches tiptoe around it like it’s a bloody landmine. Or, as was pointed out above, they only deal with it behind closed doors. Let me tell you what the landmines are: The landmines are the marriages that threaten to blow apart, and the ones tiptoeing around them are the children who sit powerlessly watching once-loving mom and dad morph into embittered roommates.
I will not give too many details of my situation, but I am a husband who has been through a lot of pain in my marriaqge. I love my wife and I have been faithful to her for several years, but I have suffered through multiple accounts of unfaithfulness on her part. I want to connect with her physically, but all I face from her is rejection and encouragement to look at pornography or to masturbate, often saying, “Take care of yoru own problem.” I had an addiction to both of the just mentioned items, but then I realized that I was sinning against God and I was being a slave to sin. Sure, I had a temporary sense of pleasure in my flesh, but the after effect was a deeper sense of loneliness and a tremendous sense of personal disgust.
I am now in the process of being divorced by my wife; I refused to file becuase divorce is not what I want. This pain seems unbearable, but God gives me the grace to get through it.
The struggle I am having now is with sexual desire. I do not want to live in sin against God, and I just do not want to fight this fight anymore with it. I do not mean to sound crazy, but I am so tired fo this loneliness and this pain inside from rejection that I am to the point of talking with my doctor about medical castration at an appoitnment later this month.
I am at a loss, and the feelings of rejection and utter loneliness from an earthly standpoint are terrible.
You do not have to reply to this comment if you do not wish to, but please pray for me…
Dear God In Heaven, In Yeshua our Savior’s Most Precious Name,
I ask you to hear from Heaven, this son’s cry for help.. Please, I ask LORD,
In YOUR Son’s Name, the NAME above ALL Names, Yeshua of Natzaret,
hear his prayer, take from him this immense pain & hurt and deliver him from
the sin that seeks to destroy him. You know this man & his heart…reach down
from Heaven I pray & heal that brokenness & remove the lies that seek to
annihilate him… Keep him safe, make him Whole and Holy unto you dear Heavenly
Father God, and have Your way in his life. I believe & trust in your every promise
for his life everlasting. In Yeshua’s of Natzaret’s Mighty Name I ask & pray, Amen.
Bless you dear brother
I could speak no better words of prayer than Donna already has. And I DO hope and pray that the Good Lord will ease your pain. Please do not hurt yourself, and before you do ANYTHING like you proposed, speak with your pastor or another counselor about what you are feeling. I don’t pretend to know God’s plans, but I’m sure hurting yourself – even medically – is not part of them! In fact, I’d go so far as to define something like that as sinful. An early (100s-200s AD) church teacher did that to himself, ostensibly to stay beyond reproach while counseling female church members. If I remember my history, the Pope excommunicated him for his self-mutilation (though he was much later received back).
Aside from that, hurting yourself is not a reasonable reaction to your sex drive or the rejection from your former wife. You are among friends. Most of us, women and men, have been rejected, denied embarrassed and humiliated on account of sex. Love and compassion abound here, so hang tough, and don’t do anything rash or (I’m going to go ahead and say it) foolish.
We are all praying for you!
The most common reasons for my wife refusing sex to me is that she becomes angry with me very often and for days(to “punish me”) and because I did not perform well the last time we had sex – that takes her usually at least a week to get over.
Objectively, I believe that she is not well enough treated for her anxiety – after almost three years of marriage, she has agreed to seek counseling (for her and for us) and to take medication. Her orders were to meet with the psychiatrist in the first 7-10 days of taking medication, but it is six weeks and she is finally seeing him. Under ordinary circumstances, I would consider this a compound sin, because she fails to be patient and slow to anger and the reason that she stays mad so long is that she has problems with forgiveness, which Jesus demanded. I temper labeling my wife this way because she has an illness, but she has been so stubborn in seeking treatment.
About the performance problems, there are two marital problems that contribute to this, the fact that there are times when I am totally or partially impotent (even with strong doses of ED medication) has two primary root cases:
the fact that she refuses sex more often than accepts it hurts my confidence and, therefore, we don’t have a regular rhythm of sex; when she becomes angry often, she starts giving me the filthiest and most damaging insults possible – she makes fun of my ED (which compounds the problem – a loving wife has compassion about this) and need for the medication, she keeps insisting that the only way for me to have an orgasm is seeing a prostitute, which she accuses me of often. The latter is one of the most vile and damaging insults – I have never seen a prostitute, desired to see a prostitute, and I never will seek a prostitute; In fact, the only woman that has sexual desires for is my wife, and I do not even entertain a thought of any kind of a relationship with another woman.
She claims to be a strong Christian though she refuses to discuss with me Paul’s discussion about when it is proper to refuse sex. Ironically, she has a strong sex drive and has expressed interest in having sex two or three times a day. She has repeatedly suggested that she wanted to have sex with other men who could satisfy her and I could do the same. As a Christian, this thought repulses me.
Oh, yes, the ultimate irony, she wants to have a family badly.
I pray that my wife will mature, have her proper treatment for anxiety and come to accept a Christian marriage. If you would, join in my prayers – an awesome prayer army often leads to answered prayers.
I have read the above comments and I am so glad that I am not alone. I am 42 years old, married, with three wonderful children. I have been married for almost 9 years now. About four years ago, my wife stopped having sex with me. Now we only have sex once or twice a year if I am lucky. I have not had sex now since Nov 2013 when my last child was conceived. She spurns my sexual advances with “I’m just so tired” and such similar stuff. Then later, when I ask her why, she will accuse me of not sending her the right “signal” and so she blames me for it all. HELP!!! I love my wife so very much and I miss having sex with her. Such is all I think about right now, for what is denied is so very wanted. I will never cheat on my wife so I guess I am stuck for the rest of my life having urges that cannot be acted upon. This is killing me inside. Have tried to talk to my wife about this, but all she does is cry and turn things back around on me. Desperate for any advice out there as to what to do. Wife will not see marriage counselor- in fact it seems she does not care if she ever has sex again. I am so very lonely and need help!!!!!!!
Hi John! My marriage has been absolutely without sex of any kind for 7 years, and clinically “sexless” long before that.
If, like my wife and I, the two of you aren’t able to communicate about this, your best bet is going to be a 3rd party. A pastor. A secular counselor. Someone trained to mediate these kinds of issues. I know you said your wife refuses to go. Ask her again. And again. And again, if necessary. Pick someone who is INDEPENDENT of both of you so neither of you feels like the counselor is going to take sides. My wife begged me to go with her to see HER counselor once about 10 years ago, and when I did, it was like walking into a freakin’ firing squad. I had never felt more angry or betrayed, and I swore I’d never do it again.
However, for the past 18 months we have seen an independent marriage counselor, and while our relationship is still a train wreck, my wife and I have at least done some talking. And while we may have no resolution to our many problems, we now know WHY our relationship is a train wreck.
You clearly love your wife, but if you can’t make any forward progress by yourselves, you need to get a 3rd party involved. Preferably a spiritually-minded counselor, but anyone who is both compassionate and trained in marital issues can help. I’m not a big fan of ultimatums, so I’m not going to suggest you tell your wife, “We’re going to counseling OR ELSE!” But if she’s saying you send the wrong sexual “signals,” then pin her down (verbally). Ask her specifically what she means by that. If she blames you for “all of it”, insist that she explain what “all of it” means. Maybe that can help springboard your conversation, and perhaps tip the balance toward a marriage counselor who can help unstick you if you can’t make further progress on your own.
I know what being stuck feels like. It’s miserable. You’re floating on an ocean with no wind and nothing but gray skies from horizon to horizon. The Doldrums, I think, is what the maritime term is.
Stay tough, and be prayerful. And may God grant you the peace of mind you are looking for.
Please someone answer my question. I have been having sex with my husband regularly and I have a high sex drive. I have only recently, in the last week, started refusing because he will not repent of his alcoholism and his verbal abuse. There is a cycle going on where he will have sex with me then he ignores me, drinka, verbally abuses me and then starts all over again. I do not want to deny and I thought that continuing to have sex with him was the right thing to do and would soften his heart but it’s starting to kill me inside. I feel like I am being used. I let myself become vulnerable only to be deeply hurt again. Am I in the right to refuse in this situation? This morning my husband reeked of alcohol and attempted to sleep with me after not coming home for one week and verbal abuse and I asked that he talk to me first and he just got out of bed. I am hurting. I want love, sex, and affection from my husband and I do not want to refuse him.
Ana, it sounds like you have a really different problem, and I am so sorry you’re going through this! I think a better post for you to read might be one of these: Are you a spouse or an enabler? and Emotionally Destructive Marriages. I think they speak more to the really difficult situation you’re in! And again, I’m so sorry.
Dear Ana,
I realize that your post is over a year and a half old, but it has really spoken to me. I hope that your situation has resolved itself for the better during that time, but if not, and you are still around, I would very much like to respond.
I’m in my mid-40s and I have been an alcoholic since my late teens. For the first half of my 21-year marriage, I literally poured the poison of alcoholism into my relationship with my wife. Four of every seven nights of the week, I’d get blackout drunk, and four of every seven nights of the week, my wife would usually cry herself to sleep. I can only thank God I was never a violent drunk.
In February 2007 I had a wake-up call. There’s no need to go into details about that. Suffice it to say that I made a choice to stop drinking, and now, in my 10th year of sobriety, I have never once looked back.
I blamed my job for my drinking. I blamed the town I lived in. I blamed a succession of career disappointments. Whatever the excuse, the choice to get hammered, and the fallout therefrom, was always 100% mine. The pain and grief I caused my wife are also entirely my fault, and I have been trying to make amends for a decade. I can never give her that time back, but the next best thing I can do is stay sober and never go back to the way I was.
Don’t ever believe a a single word your husband, or anyone else, says that tries to lay blame for his alcoholism at your feet. I know what the term “enabler” means, and I’m not always comfortable with it. My wife never tried to stop me from drinking, never even questioned it, really. Some would say those are the acts of an enabler. I say the term “enabler” can be confusing, inadvertently taking responsibility away from the alcoholic. If my wife was buying me drinks when she knew I couldn’t handle it, then yes, I would call her an enabler. But just because a person avoids confronting the alcoholic for fear of the reaction, in my mind that doesn’t make a person an enabler of the alcoholic’s behavior…
…to bring this full circle, you are under NO obligation to subject yourself to a sloppy man reeking of used booze. (Anyone who can quote me a Bible reference saying otherwise is welcome to do so.) He is failing in his Christ-commanded duty to love you the way you are entitled to be loved.
Unfortunately, the decision to quit drinking rests entirely with him, and nothing is going to get better for either of you until he makes that commitment. I wish I could tell him there is no shame in admitting he has a problem. The shame is in continuing to behave like a boor, and instead of pulling you together like Christ would want, pushing you further apart. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that if his behavior is affecting the sex in your marriage, it’s affecting other areas, too.
I quit drinking because I got scared, and because someone I respect finally held a mirror up to my face and asked me if I liked what I saw. Does your husband have any friends you respect, or is there anyone in your church whom you could talk to in confidence that could “diplomatically” approach him about his drinking?
If you can get him to commit to stopping, he’s going to need your help more than he ever has. And by help, I mean encouragement and support. It won’t be an easy road, and relapses are all too common. I’m saying this not to discourage you, but so you won’t have any illusions that the day he stops drinking is the day Happily Ever After begins. He may need a support group like AA. Some people thrive in AA. Some don’t. AA DOES have a substantial faith-based component to it, and that appeals to a lot of recovering alcoholics who are believers…or who become believers. And be prepared for some big mood swings. He will also search for ways to channel his addiction. Some are healthy, some are unhealthy, some are neutral. Just be cautious if he gets into something else.
I guess I’ll leave it at that. From the depths of my soul I am so sorry you are in this situation, but you DO NOT owe it to your husband to indulge his drunken libido. That is disrespect of the worst sort. Your lives in general, and your sex life in particular, can be SO much better once he pulls his head out of his You-Know-What. That can be hard for a man’s ego to choke down, but stay with it. Pray. People CAN control their addictions. I’m living proof.
May God be with you and grant you peace.
I am married to a now sober alcoholic, and I am grateful to God every day for his hard-won sobriety!
The only time I believe it’s okay to absolutely refuse all sexual activity is if one spouse is behaving in a manner that is destructive to themselves, the marriage, or the family. For me, this means affairs, abuse, or acting out in addiction. To provide all the privileges of marriage to someone who is acting in a way that destroys the marriage is bad for both of you. The very few times I slept with my husband while he was actively drinking, the shame and self-disgust turned me inside out afterwards.
Withholding sex will not stop him from drinking. Nothing will, until he decides he wants to, and I am praying that for you now! But it will protect your heart, your self-respect, and God’s standards for marriage.
*For clarity’s sake, I realize that vaginal intercourse isn’t always possible, such as right after a baby or during a heavy menstrual cycle. My answer at those times is not a hard “no”, but a question of when and how. This works splendidly for us! My husband has never abused his “blank check”, and our marriage is a very happy one now!
Again, prayers for your very painful situation?
This May we will be married 21 years. I saved myself for him and yet still gave in to pre-marital sex before we were married. I carried guilt about it for 5 years. I worked through it in the midst of a life-altering car accident for me, 2 emotional affairs from him, violent episodes from him, infertility, porn and so much more. I still continued to have sex with him. I learned he was a sex addict and sexual anorexic about 11 years ago. When I finally came to peace about a divorce around year 18, he made his way to celebrate recovery and has had amazing success in recovery. I finally have come to a place I am no longer willing to be a chore or serve only his needs without mine being met as well. I know this sounds selfish but after 21 years, I should be able to have a hand held, a hug, a cuddle, make out session, anything of physical touch outside the bedroom. He of course is ticked that I said no more till some of my needs are met. We are at quite an impasse. He claims he wants sex to have connection, and I claim I want touch outside of the bedroom to have connection. Neither of us evidently plans on budging. I am exhausted from all of it. Honestly, I do feel entitled to not be the one to fix it this time. He needs and should move towards me, without any expectation of sex. I deserve and am worth being loved for something other than sex. I need to feel safe and secure. Any suggestions, prayers?
I believe it is a kind of unfaithfulness to to not render to your spouse due benevolence. Paul did say to have a spouse for the sake if immoralities, otherwise just stay single. 1 Corinth. 7. He also said if the unbeliever depart, let him depart, you are not under bondage.
How about if you are living separately because there has been strife in the home and he starts courting you again to work things out. Well I didn’t withhold sex from him until now….a year and a half later when nothing was changing and he thought he can just come and go and use me like a prostitute. That is like using me as an object and not right in God’s eyes. Now he sends me stuff like this to read to manipulate and try to control me to give him sex. Well I believe God has told me enough is enough and there are cases out there where women are abused and they need to be considered. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit not to be abused. How about saying that a woman needs to be woooed. If a husband wants sex with her that night how about he starts woooing her in the morning so her emotions are right for the night. She’s not a bean bag.
Ann, I would totally agree, and your situation is very different from the one this post is talking about. If you are separated, you need to deal with the reason for the separation and work on those issues BEFORE you resume sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy often clouds other things, and you can’t really work on them unless you stop having sex for a time, as in during a separation. I hope that you have a counselor to work through this with you as you try to rebuild your marriage. Blessings to you…
I have lived in a marriage for 32 years where I (the wife) did most of the sexual initiation. My husband realizes that he has intimacy issues and, as pointed out by our last counselor, is not in touch with his emotions. This was 5 months ago and he still has not sought help for what has been pointed out. We have three children who I don’t want to seriously hurt by divorcing. That has what has kept me in this relationship – that and I took very seriously my marriage vows before God and our Christian community. It is especially hurtful because we are good friends and genuinely love each other. I am now 65 and he is 63. I cannot begin to describe how emotionally and spiritually painful this has been for me. I am reasonably attractive and there have been several times when it has been difficult to refuse other men’s advances. I pray for wisdom and endurance all the time. I would appreciate prayer and at the same time, I am now ready to issue an ultimatum and a time frame for him to do something about his issues – I have been dealing with what I believe God is revealing to me about myself…
I am going to say something that will be considered more than surreal, The reason why my husband was denied sex from me was not because I did not want it, not because he did not want it.
It started out as the reward for his being cooperative after he returned to his job and society from his military leave. His father wanted his son not to come home and use the accrued seniority he had from the UAW contract he worked under.
My husbands transmission plant and the area plants associated with his local, he was coming home with more seniority than 4200 people in the 7000 person representation by the local he was in.
And his fathers friends had many relatives that could not match my husband ability to take vacations, holidays, weekends, jobs, and shifts as he decided, his union president even came over the week before he walked through the door from his last submarine patrol and discharge. He was telling me how much disruption my husband could cause in family lives as well as personal plans over the next two years if he came home and used his seniority under the contract in an unrestricted manner telling me my husband was just the first of over 200 that they had to reintroduce into the workforce and there was going to be so much going on that if we could please keep my husband from using his rights under the contract for a while, just let everything smooth out, it would be a great help, I asked at that time how I was going to convince my husband of this need., His father spoke first and said I was a woman I should have something to be able to get his sons cooperation, the union president told his father to spit it out, his father said my son has ben gone since, April of 1981 He has not had leave, or R and R. When he comes home at the beginning of June how many years will he have been dreaming of a night of debauchery with his pretty wife. When he gets into trying to use his seniority you just tell him he is not touching you until he is able to cooperate with what’s needed, The unions president said and how will we keep my husband from coming home and taking the first 30 days home off like he will want to do, His father said leave that up to me he will come back before he even has a chance to get his bearings. I felt so sorry for my husband getting no sleep before being begged by his mother not to kill his father the first day home. My husband slammed out of the house not to come back until 4 am the next morning.
From June 1st 1985, to October 24 2009 every trick and excuse was used to keep my husband from sex with me or any right he had at work. When depression got him so low his immune system shut down and MRSA got into his spine crippling him.
His father spent the next three years telling me we still could not allow my husband what he wanted because it would make to many angry, and totally stop cooperation over the last thirty years I had seen the anger my husband could have and how badly some one could get hurt when the tried simple force four men in 2001 that still have trouble from the beating my husband gave them when the tried keeping him from a job he wanted, when his father and four others forced him into work at shotgun point and one time my husband got hold of one and brained one of the men. chamber a round and was prepared to unload on his father and three of his friends one thanks giving, In February two years ago he came home from the hospital and he decided first I was doing nothing his father wanted of me any longer, he did not care about the promises I had made for that evening to go with his best friend to a political fund raising diner And my husband raped me after 31 years.
I know my husband is mentally ill, he broke his fathers neck over this years vacation trip, no compromise or agreements for any thing now
Not only on this website, but on others that deal with sexual denial on the part of the spouse, it seems that the percentage of husbands denying their wives sex is on the rise! I would have never believed it! I thought that this is because the husband is either commiting adultery or is a homosexual. However, when we see how much men have been emasculated, this might also explain the problem. I don’t know how true this is, but I have read that even the food that we eat and especially the medications that we use cause men to have more estrogen, which supposedly makes them more feminine.
It is time that men take the responsibility for their families and return to the God given authority God has given them in their homes! One worldly marriage counselor said that, in bottom of their hearts, women are really looking for a man who at least provides for their basic needs and protects them. He said, even though they don’t realize it, that the basic reason wives challenge their husbands is to see if they are man enough to protect them. There might be some truth to that!
You’re right that the women might challenge the men, and they HOPE that the man will “man up” and do what needs to be done in his marriage. I’m in a marriage to a 63-year old man, and hardly any physical touch or love at all anymore. I’m 51. I’ve asked him to have his testosterone checked. I don’t think he’s masturbating or being unfaithful. I’ve wanted to get pregnant if possible too, and there’s hardly any chance of that with little to no sex. I’m FURIOUS.
Hi Julie,
I’m 76 years old and I still want sex! However, I’m not as virile as I was 50 years ago, but its still in my mind!
Do both of you go to church together? If so, maybe the pastor can talk to him. Its really a shame, but it seems like there are a lot more women who want to save their marriage than men. Many of us want to lead in our homes, but we do not want to take the leadership in healing our mariages.
My wife refuses to have an intimate relationship with me because I take medication to control chronic pain. Chronic pain is something most people can’t truly understand unless they have a common frame of reference. Most people do not understand what it is like to be in so much pain daily and to have so little sleep (even with medication) because the pain is bad. I’ve had 3 surgeries and seen at least 10 doctors. I’m constantly trying to find a cure. I understand my wife used to be a drug addict before we were married. However, I’ve tried to live without medication and I scream in pain, it is impossible to sleep and I want God to take me out if the world. I pray Constantly. I am remaining celebrate. I’ve grown so much closer to God through this trial. Unfortunately, it has horribly damaged our marriage. I haven’t slept in the same bed as my wife in years because the pain prevents me from sleeping and wakes me up. My wife said she can’t be intimate with someone on drugs. All of my medication is prescribed and supervised by a pain management doctor. I take it as prescribed. I work from home and do all my part of the chores. My wife won’t see a counselor. She has made up her mind that I can have medication and enough control over pain that I don’t want to die every day. or I can stop taking medicine, not sleep, feel like dying every day, scream in pain and have an intimate relationship with my wife. I can’t change my wife’s mind and if reduce my medication much more the pain gets horrific. I didn’t sleep tonight. It seems it will be this way until the pain is cured or reduced to the point where I don’t require medication. My wife sees a all pain medication as drugs. If you have any advice please let me know.
I just had a talk with my wife today. It did not go very well. I wanted to make an appointment with a gynecologist to see if her having sex with me would be dangerous to her health. I asked what she would do if the gynecologist said that there would be no danger to her health if she had sex with me. She reminded me of what another gynecologist said to us last year, that her sex drive was gone. My wife interpreted that to mean that I should have been prepared to live in a celibate marriage with her for the rest of my life. She said that because she is 68 years old, I should understand why she doesn’t want sex. (I am 76.)
I told my wife that just as it is a sin to have sex outside of marriage, it is also a sin to reject the other spouse when he or she wants sex in the marriage. That the one who is refusing sex is the one who is being selfish, not the other way around. I told her that God put the desire in me to have sex in the marriage. I also told her that I have been communicating with people on the internet who have the same problem as I have, men and women alike. I told her that all of us who have the problem with a spouse who refuses to have sex with us feel rejected and that the one who refuses to have sex is destroying the marriage. I also mentioned about the women (through this blog, for example) who refused to have sex with their husbands but repented because they knew it was wrong. I told her that these women have come to the point to where they now enjoy having sex with their husbands. She still doesn’t understand.
She also believes that she has to be in love with me to have sex with me, which she said she has never been, that she married me because she felt pressured to do so. I told her that I could not live in a celibate marriage the rest of my life. I explained that refusal by one spouse leads the other into a lot of temptation.
She plans on going to Colombia in December. When I saw some signs of hope a few weeks ago, l told her then that I would like to go to Colombia with her. However, today I told her that until we solve our marital problems I would not be going with her. Furthermore, I told her that if we could not solve them by December, that not only would she have to go there alone, but would have to stay there until we could solve them. I told her that if she wanted me only as a friend, she could call me via Skype from Colombia.
My wife receives two pensions, so she doesn’t have to depend on me to support her. Right now I am paying for all the expenses of the house, the car, and buy all the food. I don’t make a lot more money than she does.
After we talked, this morning she told me that she needed to get an exam for her kidneys. Although we have social security health coverage in Mexico, she told me she would get a much more complete exam via a private company. One of those that she really trusts would charge 800 pesos for the exam. I asked her if she had the money to pay for it and she said no. I told her that I would pay for it.
So, I really love my wife and have tried hard to be a good husband. Unfortunately, it does not look like this love is mutual. Please pray for our marriage! Fortunately, neither one of us want a divorce. I am hoping that if we separate, that both of us will come to the conclusion that God wants us to have a good marriage to each other and that both of us will be willing to do what it takes to have one.
Missionary to Mexico,
I never heard of wife refusing to have sex with spouse was a sin, will you link the passage in the bible, that would be helpful. I feel for you and understand where you are coming from.
I’m pretty Sure God did not intend us to be celibate in marriage. I understand a medical reason but “just because” or I don’t feel like it, ever, never is incredibly selfish as you mentioned. I’ll pray for you and hope that God works in your marriage. I’m in a similar boat. It incredibly difficult to be a husband in that situation. Doing the right thing, being a good husband in all aspects and then you can’t have an intimate relationship with the woman you took vows with before God. Being celibate until death do you part. I pray to God for understanding, I be the best man I can be daily. I try to love everyone else as much as I can like Jesus. I just never expected my wife to change the relationship. I sure as heck would NEVER have said “I do”, if I knew she would say “I won’t” ever.
I do appreciate the website though. I’m sorry to see so many people going through the same issue. I dated my wife for many years before we got married. You think you know someone. It’s as if it was a scam all along. I feel cheated because I could have had a mutual loving relationship with someone else. However, I take my vows before God seriously so I don’t see any way out. It’s really sad. At least it has grown me closer to God. In the end, I can only do my best. I’m not responsible for other peoples actions or lack of love and affection. God bless you all that are deprived of a Gift that God intended to be shared in Marriage. There are a lot worse things in the world to happen but as far as marriages go it is a very difficult burden to bear. I hope this brings you closer to God as it did for me. I’m believe God will make it up to all us that love out spouses but they do not love us in return.
1st Cor. 7:1-9, Proverbs 5:19, and Genesis 2:24; all of which I have read to my wife. I read those verses from 1st Cor. 7 two times.
Although the word “sin” is not mentioned in these scriptures, they clearly show that the person who continually refuses to have sex with their spouse is in disobedience to God. All disobedience to God is sin!
I think the apostle Paul made it clear that denying your spouse sex is defrauding them.
My “professing Christian” wife has had extremely severe character problems. Controlling. Manipulative. Combative. Prone to view me as a perpetrator and bad person who has to be fought and defeated when there has been no basis in reality. She has made countless excuses to sin; even in many instances I have warned her in advance she has insisted on following through sinning because reasons X, Y, Z (for example “I just had to be me and do X, I mean I just can’t help who I am, you know.”) Destroyed our family’s possessions after I asked her not to. Created a horrible emotional climate in the marriage. Fought vigorously, refused to go with me, blackmailed me, and overthrew nearly every important question about the direction our “family” should take.
Told me she wanted a large family before marriage — and then withheld sexual intimacy without consent for over 13 years except extremely rare and sporadic exceptions. Ruined my chances to have my own children. Said “well GOD could have done something with the [rare] encounters and He didn’t so that means I didn’t do anything wrong and am not responsible for harming you. I mean it was 2 or 3x a year, after all, right so He could have done a miracle so it must have been HIS will and not MY sin?” Told me she could treat me as bad as she wants and since I’m a Christian married to her I’m stuck and can’t do anything about it.
If she changed today there would be no way for me to repair the damage to my life (and her own) nor to make our marriage look the way I believe is right. Now she can let me lead because so much damage has been done to me and my vision for our marriage that I can’t do anything about it and I’m no longer a threat to her getting what she wants. Huge piles of family-wrecking wrongdoing and her continued approach is to deny sin and figure that it will change reality around her if she denies with enough vigor and domination. I feel devastated that my “Christian” spouse has shown depravity and turpitude for 13 years.
Defeated, I’ve been reading that there is a thing called Narcissists. They act like your wife, and many other similar acting people. Maybe watch a youtube about Narcissism. They are manipulative, lack empathy, and are passive-aggressive. They use sex as a weapon, withholding it at will. They are unreasonable and use manipulation tactics. I’ve been finding out a lot about these type of people and you may be shocked at what you learn. Anyway, we’ve had enough “separation time” in our marriage, and I don’t need to waste any more of my life giving him a “1,2,3” warning. He is a Christian but doesn’t think sex is necessary in the marriage. He says he’s “guarding his heart”. Wow, have I learned a lot.
Hi Chris Tian,
The small things that most wives appreciate I have done and keep doing for wife. When we started our relationship, I would send her e-cards that were very romantic. The last time I did that, which was last year, I sent her two romantic e-cards that she didn’t even look at, because she said she didn’t have time.
In my first marriage, I was a non-believer when we got married. I put my business career ahead of my wife and children and it resulted in a lot of rebellion in our home. Years after the divorce, I asked for my ex-wife’s forgiveness for this. She has forgiven me and we have a good relationship now. The reason we did not marry each other again is that she has no use for the people who come to the U.S. from Latin America, especially from Mexico. So, she couldn’t be a good wife to a missionary in Mexico. But, in her way, I believe that she still loves me, more than my present wife does.
I have been a lot better and more thoughtful husband to my present wife than I was to my first wife. So, don’t assume that the problems in our marriage are mainly my fault. Many Christians automatically blame the man when there are problems in the marriage. However, these days, there are many more cases of the man really trying to be a good husband, but the wife is totally rebellious. So, you can’t always assume that the man is at fault, even if he was married before. What worked with you may not work with a wife that is so rebellious that she refuses to have sex with her husband who has been trying his best to be a good husband to her. Now that the women’s lib movement has infested the Evangelical Church, these situations are becoming more and more common.
With men being demasculated more and more, another situation is becoming more common. Men who refuse to have sex with their wives because they have no sexual desire left. These men are not homosexuals and do not have another women, but their sex drive is gone. I got this by reading posts by many women who feel very rejected because their husbands no longer want to have sex with therm.
Where I failed in both my first marriage and this one is not having an understanding with my wives before I married them about Biblical role of the husband and of the wife in marriage and a committment to follow it. I have also been pretty much of a wimp as a husband, wanting to please my wife at almost any cost and avoiding conflicts. Therefore, I let them take authority over me instead of me standing up and being the authority in the home.
My wife have a very low sex drive. We got married 6 years back and hardly we had sex say 2-3 times a month and sometimes not even once. Even when we have sex she does it as if she is sacrificing something for me and that too in the same position. We have a 2 year old baby now. Also during her pregnancy she never allowed me to have sex for a year even after doctors say its ok to have sex. I am very much interested in sex but she is not. I want to enjoy sex She always says she is tired or gives invalid reasons all the times. I used to help her and in taking care of Baby most of the time. I can understand when baby is small its not possible to have sex daily. The reason now she gives is taking care of Baby and she will get tired but my question is before baby born she used to give the same reason. Always I used to initiate it and waiting for her response which is rejections……….. In the mean while I addicted to porn and masturbation. I also stopped asking several times and tried to see if she will bring the topic and initiate the sex but it never happened anytime. I spoke to my wife and she says she will do it regularly but may be after a week again same story. Not sure, what to do. I am fed up in last 6 years and now I stopped asking her to have sex. Now there is no intimacy, attraction etc.. We are not talking to each other properly. We always quarrel on small things and no proper responses on any topics. Taught of having an external affair but my heart says no to that… I also tried warning my wife that I might have to go to a prostitute to get satisfaction but still of no use. l am not getting any interest in any work, no motivation, and even I lost my job.
Now I have decided to never ask for sex again in my life with my wife because at least she will be happy. I think I am bothering her on this topic. I am trying to be a normal person giving proper responses to my wife for anything she discuss about family and baby which is very difficult for me now but sacrificed all for my wife.
Without sex I am not active, no interest, no motivation. I am feeling like why I am still alive on the earth.
This is why I separated from my wife this week. The only way I can be celebate is to live by myself. She is now back in Colombia and I am still in Mexico. She would like me to move to Colombia with her so she could be close to her family. I told her that I was not interested in having a sexless marriage in Colombia either.
My wife last had sex with me on my birthday (not relevant, just curious coincidence) 5 years ago.
Shortly after that she announced she was done with it. That coincided directly with her finding Jesus; she’s married to Him, now, apparently. (We had been active in my church since we met, sing in the choir, etc., but she wasn’t ‘saved’ yet. Her children were convinced she had gone crazy and wanted her to see a psychiatrist, he behavior of the time was so different from previously. None of them know of my pain, though she may have confided in her daughters of her decision.)
She has no interest, let alone enthusiasm, for examination of what has happened; indeed, this probably had been brewing for some time, as sex became less and less frequent, and there were many instances of contrived argument or other diversion to prevent even the possibility, before her declaration/announcement to me.
We used to have an enthusiastic sex life, and now we have none. She has withdrawn ALL physical attention (not even a spontaneous hug) and the closest I get to physical intimacy is her spooning me to keep warm, sometimes – without ANY other involvement, not so much as a caress.
She has confirmed, upon discussion, usually after her having read the bible or one of the many writers on Christian matters, that even discussion of intimacy is off-limits, let alone that I might touch her in any way that could possibly be construed as intimate (also specifically excluded, not inferred), to say nothing of her ‘doing me’ in any way.
How does a man talk about this to anyone in any other terms other than wonder how to deal with it short of chemical castration? Her sex life is over; mine is merely prohibited.
Skip, I am going through this problem with my wife, too. She says that it is mainly because of her very low estrogen. She also said that she has never really loved me with romantic love and that I have a pot gut. I married her in Colombia and told her before we got married that God called me to be a missionary in Mexico. I had been living in Mexico as a missionary for almost 16 years when we got married. Not very long after I married her and moved her here in Mexico to live with me, she expressed the desire to move back to Colombia, preferably with me. She has a 34 year old son that has been begging her to come back there. She calls him on the average of once or more almost every day.
We haven’t had sex since April of 2014. I have shown her 1st Cor. 7 at least several times, explaining to her that as a single missionary I had a celebate life living alone, but that I cannot live a celebate life with a wife, and that God does not expect me to do so. She has told me several times since then that she feels bored and lonely here and that she has no family here. (If I as her husband am not part of her family, then who am I to her?) What she wants me to do is live in a celebate marriage (which is really no marriage at all) with her in Colombia. This is something that I cannot do.
She left here in Mexico on Dec. the 6th to go back to Colombia to visit her family until March the 10th. I told her that until she wants to obey God in our marriage that we cannot live together. So, when February comes, I will tell her again that she cannot come back here to live with me until we both agree to do God’s will in our marriage. Obviously, God’s will is not for us to have a sexless marriage!
So, for me, it is much better for us to be separated living in two different countries than living together in a sexless, loveless marriage. I continue to pray every day that my wife will see the light and desire to be the wife to me that God wants her to be. I really love my wife and have tried very hard to be a good husband to her. I have been much more committed to our marriage than she has. Her grown children, especially her youngest son, are a much higher priority in her life than I as her husband am. So, as long as that continues and as long as she wants to live in a sexless marriage, we will remain separated. I feel a lot less rejection from her living apart from her than living with her with the attitude that she has.
I am not for rushing to the divorce court with a situation like this. Of course, I have wanted for us to go to counseling together but she has never been interested in that. Fortunately, neither one of us wants a divorce. But, again, I believe that it is a lot better for us to be separated than living in a marriage where there is no physical intimacy and no romantic love between us as husband and wife.
In my observation there are many people in the Evangelical churches that are more led by their feelings that what the Word of God says. They seem to mistake their feelings for what the Spirit of God is saying. (They believe that God exists to make them happy.) They don’t understand that most of the time God tells us to do things contrary to our feelings in order to obey Him. These people say that they love the Lord, but with their disobedience they are showing that they do not love Him at all. I sure wish more pastors would preach this from their pulpits these days!
I am in my second marriage and he is in his third we have been marriexd 9 ,years and he has totally stopped sex all together . It was great wen we first met and we only put each other first now because he has a low hormone level he has cut off sex saying he is not intrested or cares to please me . It hurts he is on testosterone patches but has put it in his mind that if this don’t work he is done . I’m so hurt.
I’ve been married to my wife for nearly ten years. My wife is seven years older than me. The first three years of our marriage was spent separated due to me being deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. Those three years our sexual intimacy was great even though I was either gone out of country or training to go overseas. However, sexual intimacy became non existent first due to my issue of coping with ptsd than my wife her health issues. When we finally started to both get back to being both physically and mentally healthy, I tried on numerous occasions to engage in sexual intimacy with her and was denied or rejected. This went on for more than a few years we I attempted i was refused than however when she was in the mood she would than initiate sexual intimacy on her terms. This brings us to my present issue. She has started to workout with me and has had a couple of cosmetic surgeries due to her weight loss. She told me “I want the surgery to look good for you!” Also with her working out she has began to want sex more and began to initiate more still when she wants it. Frankly, I don’t want it at this point. I love her but I’m now the one making excuses. It’s not a physical issue with me. I consider myself very healthy and in real good physical shape and I’ve got no physical health issues. I just don’t find it interesting or exciting to have sex with my wife. I love her but I believe the years of rejection by her has taken a toll on me mentally. I just wanted a consistent sexual relationship with my wife. I’m not an animal but marriage is a two way street not a one way road.
Nick, it IS a two way street. It seems like she really doesn’t care about your needs. But are you going to stay in the marriage knowing that? If you’re going to stay in the marriage, you might as well just try to make the best of it.
Been dealing with exactly this for 35 years.
If she wants.
When she wants. Only.
What she wants. Only.
How she wants it. But never says how.
If I don’t like it, I can “take care of it myself”.
And better get it exactly right, or there is no next time. Even if she wants again. I have to be “taught my lesson”. I told the harridan, well practice makes perfect, not abstinence. Crickets.
Despite, I can still manage to light her up a few times. Before, during and even after sometimes. Usually multiples. Still isn’t enough to be “worthy” when I might have need though. Claims to “love having sex with me”. Given above, why then am I not “allowed” 2-3 times a week that I need when I am usually delivering multiples consistently? How much better could I do than that? She is usually breathless and paralyzed. When I read about the 30 percent or so of ladies here, and the one’s who have…never…it makes me really sad I ended up with someone so…what…ungrateful? I just don’t get it. Do I need to “cut her off” for a while and show her how the 30-percent live? What?
I somehow don’t think this is what is meant by being considerate of the other’s needs. Only one of us has to cater to the other?
I married for self control issues too. Imagine that. It has been a long, hard mostly failing slog. Depending on God’s mercy in the long sleepless nights when my mind inevitably starts to wonder and wander after weeks on end.
What kills me is no reason. Plenty of excuses though. She will tell me I have been a great husband but still…no soup for you!
Latest in litany of “reasons” is menopause so I guess now it will be none at all instead of 6-8 weeks if I have been a “good little boy”.
Come on heart attack!
I’ve been struggling with this for a couple years now. I think my wife and I have had sex maybe 5 times in the past year. Every time I talk to her about it she gives me a different excuse. First it was stress, we moved to remove the stress and nothing happened. Then it was that there were kids in the house. So I tried to arrange romantic date nights on weekends without the kids and those dates always fell flat. The she started blaming health problems. First it was problems her thyroid. we went to our doctor and come to find out she had precancerous cells in her thyroid. We had it removed and after about 6 months her levels stabilized and given a clean bill of health. Still nothing. Fast forward a couple months and all the sudden she is flirting with me one day and says now is the time. I have performance anxiety from not performing for the better part of a year and she starts telling me that I’m not attracted to her anymore. Argument insues. Many moths go by and her reason for not wanting to have sex is that she feels depressed. So we talk to the doc, get a referral, she gets on medication. Our requirement for the meds? The one with the least sexual side effects. More months go by and nothing. Fast forward to the present and nothing has changed. Now she’s saying that she just doesn’t feel sexy. Now I’m a romantic guy by nature. I still hug her tell her she’s beautiful, buy flowers for no reason, take her out to dinner, try to cuddle up to her in bed only to be served a cold plate of rejection time after time.
This is extremely hard for me. I have never been unfaithful. My problem is that this is my third marriage. The first one ended because she was abusive, and cheated. The second ex cheated on me with my brother and then subsequently married him following our divorce. This woman, who I fell in love with while I was exiting the military used to be so passionate. The first 6 months of our marriage was wonderful. I am a disabled veteran. She knew this when she met me. Heck she took care of me after only knowing me for a couple months after I had cancer removed. After the first year everything went down hill. I don’t want to get another divorce, but the last two years have been relationship hell. When I try to talk to her about how I need her to be a partner, and maybe be more loving and intimate she tells me that She’s not my mother and I’m an adult–to get over it. I feel so alone in this house. Recently she has wanted to split our bank accounts but insists it is because she wants to allow me to “be able to save more”. I’m at a loss as to what I should do because I feel like I’m being pushed away, but then she’ll talk about how good of a husband I am etc.
I always tried to understand the needs of others. My husband after three years Under water resembled the saying about submarine sailors. Iron men in steel ships. He came home utterly defiant. To the needs of those where he was going back to, To his fathers need to just have him not to defy his wish. Instead it came down to 33 years of begging, blackmail pain and now enough hate has developed where the next confrontation. I(* believe my husband will eliminate any one that interferes with what he wants. Three years ago after a long stay bin rehab learning to walk after his spinal cord was partially severed and crushed in a MRSA infection.
He came home and promptly decided he was not waiting any time for what he had wanted for decades, He first demanded I be the wife he had expected for 31 years saying I owed him that in marriage.
I had promised to go to a social event dinner that evening as the fourth at a table, when he came home and told me flat out if he was not invited then I was not. He told me the only arm I was going to be on after 31 years that evening was his.
I tried to negotiate the evening promising to let him pick a place to meet not only me but nearly everyone that felt they had to have a say in how things would proceed./ now he was home. Most of us thought a couple of years just including him into traditions he had not been a part of would be a good starting point and I was thinking slowly work into sex even though I thought we had past the time of having a family. Which I felt bad I had denied us. But he walked in that evening with no intention to try and talk through problems. He was going to take everything he felt was do him from sex, to vacations, be home for holidays and drop into everything even if it landed hard on feelings.
I found out it was not to late to have a child that evening, When he ripped every stich off me and told me I was going to be a wife for once not the town tramp. I was standing there crying that things did not have to be this way, what happened from 1985 to 2009 was not meant to happen as it did, His constant defiance caused a lot of it. He said well get ready for even more defiance because he was no longer letting us tell him he was waiting on vacations, he was no longer waiting ion me to be a wife, he was going to be involved in holidays and have weekends even though now he could not play golf, bowl or camp like he had hoped. But he was going to live his life as he decided, I was standing there begging him to please listen, slow things down so everyone could just accept his points. He did not slow any thing down,
He had his way with me, it hurt, I was saying no please stop it did not have to be this way but there was no attempt to listen I did not know I was pregnant until it was to late to abort.
Ok. I’m sure that there is no one here who has a problem with the understanding that withholding sex from one another in a marriage is absolutely WRONG! Especially if the prescience of any restricting health problems are not in issue, but for many of us, The burning yearning, and needing of our partners physicality when it is denied us in the complete sense, is a torturous hell that does not deflate with the passing of time. I am a man who’s wife has completely forsook en me in this matter for just over 10 years now! TEN!!!!!!!! And my needs for her love and close physical softness has never been more raging! That is why there is within me an urgent need to know if in such a predicament. And with my thought process locked solely on just my spouse, Is self gratification then a sin?
My most fervent prayer is that the Lord will bless and reseal our union together and that He will in His loving mercies give to my wife a heart that burns true for me once again. And I hold on to the faith that He will do this for us, but until then, I yearn for a spiritually safe method to aid my suffering so! Though it has been proposed as a possible hope for our problem, Not everyone will see an arbitrator in such a case. As IS unfortunately in my case. Need an answer!!!
Plz theres not one post here that speaks about how God created women & menopausal issues! Of which are on average the most complained about. My sexless marriage is seriously just plain due to im no longer interested. But if he initiates it i guess I will. It seeiously just nothing for me. Whats the big deal? You can still be very happy & in love without it. I have no desire to be touched or caressed anymore, let alone penetrated & left sticky gooey & dripping while he turns over & goes to sleep bc hes so exhausted from 14 hr days 6-7 days a week. Been married 23 yrs, together 31. Had a good decent sex life before & during till i turned 50 & after 5kids, but i do believe it is emotional for women when we lose desire thru menopause! Men need to hear listen learn & do what secret thoughts desires or wishes menopausal women may have. My hubbys clueless then when i tell him he doesnt listen. He thinks i will buy & shower her with presents & ill get sex. It just doesn’t work that way!
Hormone Replacement Therapy maybe? If it is good for gander (ED), should it not also be good for the goose (menopause)?
I waited too long to seriously pursue our marital problem of no sex. It’s eleven YEARS this month. The problem really began in Oct., ’84, for which she steadfastly refused to discuss.
At that point, I knew that I had to “be there” for the children. Now, they’re long “grown & gone”… so I don’t have that convenient excuse anymore.
Honestly, I see marriage as “the earthly equivalent to the unforgiveable sin”. Thus, it’s a total, pardon the expression, ‘crap-shoot’. Some win; some lose; a few are in-between.
Mainly, however, it was and still is a case whereby SHE refuses to rid herself of her obesity; and I simply got to a point whereby I couldn’t stand it anymore (after 35 years). She loves food more than me; and though she claims to love me, I’m at a point now that I really don’t care if she loves me or she doesn’t. Do I miss physical intimacy? Sure; but I’m not going to be a beggar. I deserve better; and if I never get it, so be it. “The aggressor sets the rules”.
BTW, neither of us have ever cheated on the other….. FWIW. Is virtue its own reward? I don’t know. I do know what God requires. And I continue to have the obligation to set a good example for my grandkids.. not to divorce. Yes, I hate the ‘heavy price’ that I pay; but there’s nothing that I can do, nor can be done. The word in Latin is “fini”.
Hi there,
I know this thread is old, but I just need a place to vent about my marriage.
I came from a very conservative background, and ended up leaving it at 26 to marry my husband. My husband and I did not date or court(I came from a church that did not. they did things like Isaac and Rebecca in the Old Testament without having the servant go find the spouse, but the whole concept being to rely upon God for a spouse-within the church. this worked because of the similar belief system and support from family and church family. I had many friends that had met their spouse only once or a few times before getting married, but truly put their faith in God to marry their spouse. Sounds crazy but it is a culture and a belief system, and it does work…many many aunts uncles, cousins, and my own parents who do this. Conservative background…anyway as you can see I had my own baggage to deal with from this. I was not disowned but that part of my life was an immediate closed book when I left that lifestyle. My husband and I did not have sex before marriage. We kissed a week before marriage and we were deeply in love. Our communication has always been poor, however. I had put my faith in God and to this day, I believe I followed His guiding in marrying my husband.
We were married for a year and had lots of disorganization issues. My husband had a disorganized, stuff piled high room before we were married. My life was so surreal with the huge changes it didn’t register as being a problem. Also I came from a semi hoarding mom and dad. I had poor models and lived on my own for 3 yrs, and had mild issues with clutter-I also had a roommate. Anyway we got married, bought a big house(for closed that needed work and never quite got organized and never got together and decluttered from the combo of stuff. My husband is very old fashioned in the role expectations and really did nothing in regard to any kind of house keeping. He has done lots of projects with his dad on the house though(but I have too). Anyway, we got pregnant a year after we were married. Birth control failed and I was pregnant close to 8 weeks after giving birth. Then I was pregnant again 6 months after our 2nd. My oldest was 27 months when our 3rd was born. I worked midnight 12 hr shifts until the day I gave birth with all 3 of my kids. My husband was a workaholic, did overtime, coached high school diving, and was going to school part time for his bsn, since then he got his masters. We had issues once the kids came. I complained I needed more of his time(I guess I never communicated I needed his help). We never talked about expectations or roles. He was truly not available and would yell at me for talking. He worked 2 full time jobs on my maternity leave for my 2nd. 20, 12 hr shifts in a row and had a 9 o clock rule for no talking. No talking after nine. He got home at 8:30-9pm and left at 6am. I had 2 babies under 1. Our house is 3000 sq ft. I did what cleaning cooking I could. It has been solely my responsibility to pay bills, take care of the inside of the (and many times the the mechanical) vehicles, trim bushes, mow yard, take care of kids, work part-time(full time while he finished school) clean garage, grocery shop, laundry, etc. I have had numerous requests for dates with my husband to talk about sharing responsibility talk about roles etc. finally my husband quit coaching but held it against me for a long time. Now he has graduated and has a good income, but chose a job over 1hr and 15 min commute one way. My husband refuses to go out on dates with me. Our counselors have given us homework and it took 4 months before my husband would go out with just me on a date. A few weeks ago I arranged for a nice hotel and my mil watched the kids so we could get away. He complained the whole time and ruined the trip. Wished we were closer to home, missed the kids, etc. we drove 40 min to the city. My kids ages are 5,4 &3 now. Anyway we had what I would call an active sex life until my 2nd was born. It was still good, but we went to a party of a transgender couple(I didn’t know at the time). My husband had a bit too much to drink and was not actively flirting with the very blatant gay husband, but there was something I felt about the connection between them. Intuition as if there wasn’t the normal barrier between a straight and a gay guy. I finally got my husband to leave and was shaking when I got to the car and asked my husband,”are you gay”? Apparently my husband has had some episodes of abuse from a dominant cousin the same age as him…and several times as a teenager. He says this messed with his boundaries. After that I was shaken and had some trust issues with him. We still had an active sex life but dysfunctional relationship. I said it felt as if he was flirting in a bar with a beautiful woman with me sitting right there and him doing nothing to stop it. Anyway I asked him to put up a boundery with this guy, but he used him all throughout his school (they were in the same online school) and then this guy helped him get the job he has. I know they have not had an affair or anything(trust me I have been suspicious and checked) we are open about phone tracking, passwords, texts, history etc. also there was a very pretty overweight girl(my husband is extremely handsome) that he had a non sexual emotional affair with. We had to set boundaries there too. Anyway my husband has always been interested in anal stuff. He likes anal stimulation (and pegging) for himself. It took me a long time to get used to this stuff. I gained 40 lbs from my kids. Idont feel as attractive, but I get compliments and attention every from work, and apparently look about 15 yrs younger than I am to other people. He preferres oral or toys to actual vaginal intercourse. I have made my needs known gently and nicely and we have had world war 3. He requires more foreplay than me( really because he does not give it to me, and generally I have done a lot of the work. Combined with this party incident it can make me feel very insecure. I push my insecurities away and still enjoy sex when we have it. He has issues with severe anxiety, adhd, and some bonefide ocd but not as bad as it used to be, and started an antidepressant(has been on many antidepressants since high school). Our sex life is now non existent. He literally turns me down every time I ask. I have never, ever, denied him. For over 6 months it has been weeks in between sex and then it usually is not vaginal. My husband blames it on the antidressent but at the same time does not even try to work around it(we are both extremely educated medically). The house is never completely clean and organized( I just hired a cleaning lady-this will be her 3rd time). My husband holds the house against me and complains about it constantly. That and the kidsbehavior. (I just took my kids to an hour long meeting at work and I so many people said my kids were so good!and they were, are). He says he doesn’t want to go on dates with me because we fight so much at home(not on dates) and I’m such a poor housekeeper(I have had 3 kids 2 and under, then 3,2&1, 4,3,&2, and now 5,4 &3, and I have always worked. I have not had much help from family until about 2 yrs ago, and that is when I work. Trust me I have had to work on some stuff too. Our house is a thousand times better than it was. I have decluttered and we hired an organizer and every time she came back she was impressed because every thing is still organized. I just can’t get everything done and manage 3 little kids. I am trying to work on the kids behavior too. They are super active and my oldest has hyperactivity issues, and my middle some ocd, and add tendencies, and adhd with my youngest. The first thing my husband complains about when he comes home is the house. I suggest moving to a smaller more kid friendly house layout, but he says it isn’t an option. The cleaning lady missed last week so the floors need cleaning. My dishwasher quit the sink is full of dishes that I do constantly and the first thing my husband asks is if the cleaning lady is coming and what we are going to do about the house, every. Single. Day. I’ll post pictures! It isn’t terrible! We have been to counseling but it was tough to be consistent with the kids and work(I have always sought out the counseling) I don’t know if things will change or get better.some things have changed, but I’m not sure if I’m wasting my best years. My kids have a good relationship with him. He has never been unfaithful that I know of, although he has admitted to gay porn several times. I don’t think my husband is thoroughly gay although maybe bi. He could go years without physical contact other than sex. Is that normal? I literally beg for physical contact. He has never kissed me goodnight without me begging or kissed me when he comes home or I come home unless I kiss him and then he gets angry or irritated. I don’t know if it is worth staying but my kids. I have given up on marriage. I don’t see the point. It is literally torture and truly what are the rewards? I vacuumed today…I did laundry. I changed diapers, I picked up outside, I swept out my car. I made my bed…I payed 2 bills…I cooked breakfast lunch dinner, bathed kids, spent time with them, did some homework with my kids(forkindergarten and preschool!) I worked yesterday…etc. will things get better? Should I accept a passionless sexless marriage with constant complaining? I can take care of myself and the kids and I could do it better without having to maintain this big house.
I love my husband but I think it’s one sided. We are married for 18 years now but I’m not happy anymore. We are physically apart most of the time. I’m in a different city with our 2 kids living like a single mom without his support both financially and emotionally. He is in another city living a single-like life busy with his work. We had sex once a month or less depending on how long he can come to us. His reason is he has not enough money for travel fare. When we’re together he keep on talking about his previous crushes. I especially don’t like kissing on the lips. It brings deep hurt and humiliation when we tried french kiss for the first and he shoved me away saying”it’s nauseating.” We were not yet married by then. I used to cry secretly after we had sex because he turns his back after being sexually satiated. I feel like a dirt. He doesn’t like seeing me crying because he doesn’t like emotional women. So I just cry secretly. When apart, he doesn’t communicate with me though he had 3 cellphones. He never said “I love you”to me because according to him, “It’s done not said.” Our children doesn’t like him around because he is irritable with them. He is very cordial to others and with me when he needs something and back to indifferent when apart. Sometimes, I feel it’s alright to be apart, less stress, less hurt and lots of freedom for my children and work. I don’t have a social life except through occasional facebook. Taking care of my children and my work eats up a lot of my time. I pray to God to give me serenity to go through with my loveless married life. Why I stayed? Because it’s easier this way, less trauma for my young kids, less taunting from soceity. I am more independent living like I don’t have a partner. God is my strength, to him I lift up my case.
One of my younger brothers went through this with his now ex-wife. He endured the lack of sexual Intimacy with his wife for more than 10 years. His ex-wife refused Christian councilling and also secular councilling. He also tried, as the author of this article suggested, separation for a time and he explored many other avenues. Nothing worked. As his big brother and as a Church Elder I reluctantly agreed that he was “biblically” able to file for a divorce.
Here are the scriptures that I found during my studies into the matter that I leaned upon to biblically and reluctantly qualify their divorce; “If a man who has married a slave wife takes another wife for himself, he must not neglect the rights of the first wife to food, clothing, and sexual intimacy. If he fails in any of these three obligations, she may leave as a free woman without making any payment.”
Exodus 21:10-11 NLT
Until I did the marriage and divorce study I would have as a Church Elder never sanctioned divorce for the withholding of sex, only for fornication. We, as Church leaders, must get our heads out of the sand and deal with any and all issues that our Church families are going through. We can’t deal with biblical issues without putting in the hours of prayerfully studying God word and then communicating with and educating those of whom the Lord has given us charge.
Divorce should never be entered into lightly. With that being said, my studies have proven to me that divorce is God’s mercy for the victimized oppressed and neglected. As Jesus said in Matthew 19:8 (extreme paraphrasing here) “This mercy exists because of the hardness of the hearts of those that care more about themselves than they do for their spouses.” God does not expect anyone to remain married to someone that chronically abuses and/or neglects their spouse. That being said, before one considers divorce make every effort to reconcile. If reconciliation is not possible then God provided a mercy for you. Divorce gives you the opportunity to be free and happy again in another relationship.
May you know God’s mercy and grace.
Thank you for writing this. Finally someone is telling it like it is, I only wish I had read this when you first wrote it (5 years ago?). I’ve suffered for 35 years and I’ve done everything I could to be a good wife and friend to someone who couldn’t resolve his intimacy issues. Counselors and ministers didn’t know what to do, they offered no help. Sadly, we are separated now, but I haven’t completely thrown in the towel. I’m so happy I found your website.
Sheila (1 of 3)
In March of this year (2017) I discovered that my wife had an affair that lasted “on and off” for three years during a time when my life was in upheaval (job loss, depression). It was devastating, and some days, like today, it still is.
We are each seeing a counselor, independently. One of the big blockers here is that she is not totally sure whether she wants to remain in a committed relationship or not. We’ve been married for 11 years, together for 12, and have two children. I used to be so proud of our marriage, so proud that we had made it past the 10 year mark. If I only knew! God, it makes me so sad to realize the truth that the last 3 years has been a farce. This is wiping me out. I am a fairly strong, secure man but this has reduced me to rubble. I have taken great strides in trying to save our marriage, but sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. If there is any affection, it’s usually initiated by me and as for sex, forget about it; we haven’t had sex since just before discovery of the affair.
(2 of 3)
This is killing me. If you were to ask my family and friends, they would likely tell you that I am such a good man, such a good father and husband, and don’t deserve any of this. I know that she needs time to figure out her issues, but meanwhile it would mean so much if I even got a sense that she at least wanted to try to rebuild our relationship, and that includes getting physically intimate again. As an aside, I can’t believe that I am the one who has to even push for this! She had the affair, not me! It makes me so, so angry and resentful at times. I can’t stand it.
I have tried being loving and supportive, I have tried the whole “I love you and miss you and want to connect with you again” approach, to no avail. She has said that she just can’t be intimate like that right now, that she’s not comfortable. And here’s another thing; she fell in love with the affair partner, to the point where now, even though she loves me deep down, she does not feel passionate love for me as a spouse. Again, I see some affection at times, like it seems to maybe want to come out, but it’s like the Hoover Dam has gotten in the way.
(3 of 4)
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I have taken all the right steps, done all the right things as far as I can tail; I have worked on myself, I have forgiven her, I have forgiven myself, I have even forgiven the other man ( who is someone I was friendly with, too, which makes it all the more numbing). I have done all of this for myself, so I can heal. And I have prayed fervently on it all. Some days I feel like we’re making progress and other days, like today, I almost feel like I’m back on that fateful day in March. I can’t live in a loveless marriage, I just can’t do that. I feel that there is some love there, but it is so buried under layers of muck I wonder how to get to it. I’m tired of feeling sad, depressed or bitter almost every day. I’m tired of my joy being stolen. She has said that she wants to go to a couples counselor, but wants to get more sessions in with her counselor.
(4 of 4 — not just 3!)
I’m at my wits end; some days I love her more than ever, and other days I just don’t care anymore. I think of leaving for a week, without a word, just to see what her reaction will be. I think of approaching a couple we are friends with, a really sweet Christian couple (the husband is a part-time pastor at a local church) who have actually helped some friends of theirs through a marriage crisis, but I wonder what my wife’s reaction would be; would she be embarrassed, angry or humiliated ( or all of the above) to have her dirty laundry aired out? I think of divorce and what the implications of that would be. It would be crushing. I know that I have to give this some more time, that we are still in the early stages of recovery, but I very much want to be with my wife again and it hurts so much to silently lay beside her.
Hi Rob–I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I can just imagine the heartbreak and devastation you feel, plus the fear for the future (and for your kids). And the disillusionment about the past.
As I read your posts, though, I’m struck by something: your wife has sinned against you. She has had an affair and she has fallen in love with another man.
However, you have forgiven her, told her she’s completely fine now, forgiven him, and tried to rebuild the relationship. You have taken her back wholeheartedly.
She, on the other hand, does not seem to have been required to do anything in order to regain this trust that you have in her. She has not had to give up her feelings for the other guy. She has not had to vow to rebuild the marriage. She has not had to say that she will love you.
Henry Cloud and John Townsend in their book “Boundaries” talk about a really important principle that God put in place when He created us: You reap what you sow. That’s how we learn. That’s how God draws us towards repentance. However, too often people overstep boundaries and end up interfering in the law of reaping and sowing. We make it so that instead of someone reaping the bad things that they sow, we reap it for them.
So she has sown devastation, but she has not reaped it. You have.
I am not saying you should punish her; not at all. But I do think that setting some clear boundaries is likely warranted: You are willing to work on the marriage, but only once she commits to ending the affair in all ways. You are willing to try to rebuild, but you are not going to cover for her.
The answer is to run to God for your emotional needs when you are completely broken down, and then let your spouse see the consequences of their actions. You are able and willing to live without them IF they are not willing to commit wholeheartedly to the relationship. You are not willing to be married to someone who always has one foot out the door. And so they must decide.
That’s hard to do, because they could decide in a way that you don’t want. But Dobson explains why this is usually the best course of action. I’d really recommend reading it, because it may help you!
I find this thread very powerful, and I don’t even care what’s “godly” and what’s not. What I care about is a healthy, mutual relationship with emotional maturity, compassion and sexual fulfillment. I finally got my husband to a therapist, and he kept going for just two months; not enough to change whatever trauma he has, but just enough to grab a few catch phrases from his therapist that he now uses to defend himself against the indefensible: his role in our sexless marriage. Frankly, I think there is a lack of empathy involved—”I just don’t feel as you do so I can’t understand”, for example—and his belief that just “taking care of me” is enough of a job. Of course, I was an independent woman for my whole life before I met him and never asked nor do I need anyone to “take care of me”; what I need is a lover and a friend. And the real kicked is that for me, and I bet it was so for 100% of the lonely women on this thread, it wasn’t like that at the beginning of our relationship, not at all. And, let’s get gritty here, part of it is his unwillingness or discomfort with foreplay. He claims not to know how to touch me—really? He was quite good at oral sex at the beginning of our relationship! Since we married as older people (in our 50s), I thought maybe physical things were giving him trouble, but apparently not. For me, I spend a big chunk of money three times a year for an estrogen ring to keep my vagina in the pink, as it were, and for what? It never gets any action. It appears that no amount of suggestions, of patience, of discussion is getting us anywhere. I am one breath away from resigning myself to no sex for the rest of my life, because I just do not have it in my to go through a breakup or to have an affair. Now and again I just lose it and weep, and most of the time I just focus on work. This is no way to live.
I have read through so many of these comments not believing what I have read. As a man married twenty years to a wife that wont have sex more than ten times a year (without a lot of encouragement which i admit includes guilting and complaining, not attractive qualities but you get desperate after a month or so), I cannot fathom the concept of a man that would not cherish intimacy with his wife. My wife has been thin and fit and she has been overweight at times, sex is still wonderful, just different. A true husband see the beauty in his wife in all ways. He always “beholds the wife of his youth”. Know that you are wonderful and beautiful in your way and that his withholding is a personal issue with him, not with you.
My wife has had some serious health issues and two deaths to deal with over the past two and nearly one half years. She has seen a therapist two in the past 4 weeks. Says she’s working on it and dong all she can. She has not however sought any Pastoral or Godly council. She becomes very agitated and defensive at the mention of what the scripture says about withholding sex from ones spouse. “Don’t try to use my faith against me” she says. One would not know anything was wrong from the outside but she’s destroying me.
John, I’m so sorry for the distance you feel from your wife. I really am. But can I just say–using a Bible verse like that with her really won’t help, and can honestly be quite hurtful. It’s not a good application of the Bible. A better way would be to tell her that you love her, you want to support her, and you really want to feel intimate with her. And you’re afraid that she’s missing out on something that will really help her get better.
But if she’s gone through some major health issues and some deaths, and she is now seeking counselling, that’s a good thing. Maybe give her a little longer than 4 weeks? I don’t know how close the deaths were to you, but grief can be huge, especially if it’s paired with a lot of pain and suffering physically. I think this may be a case of learning to love and lean in with her, rather than using the Bible to tell her she’s wrong? Share with her instead God’s idea for intimacy, and let her know that you want to love her completely, and you want her to feel completely loved. I think that may be a better route!
But wasn’t a similar situation part of your “awakening” Miss Sheila?
My wife has never admitted it, but she withholbs sec as punishment. I’m disabled and she works, and I appreciate her hard work, and at times I feel ashamed and embarrassed to be unable to work at a relatively young age. Most days I am home most of the day, and even though I try to do things she wants done I simply do not have a woman’s touch withave some household things, and honestly things that women hold as a priority men just don’t. But she will come home lots of times, and the children (14 & 9) will be at her mother’s house until later in the evening. She’ll start giving me the 3rd degree of “what did you do today”, and it’s not with the Intent of finding out how my day went, it’s because she has noticed some things she things should have been done that day, but just weren’t on my list, and I can just feel the aura shift to the negative side. Supper will have already been cooked, we’ll eat, and I’ll let baser relax for an hour or so, then if I’m interested I’ll hint at sex and quickly get shot down, even if she has recently came off her cycle and this has been our only “alone time” for a week or 2. She’ll simply say, “no! I’m tired and I’m going to bed early”. I’m so frustrated. Like I said I’m a relatively young man, 50, and women find me attractive and it would be so easy to step out, but i won’t….have never even considered it because i made a commitment to her and will not dishonor her like that even though i feel dishonored by being denied sex as punishment. It is so trying because when I know her denial is being used as punishment I admit it causes me animosity then I refuse to try again for a long time, and she never even let’s on that she notices that I haven’t hinted at sex.
Thank you for this article, Sheila.
In our marriage I’ve been the one withholding sex for the past two years and until reading this I haven’t fully understood how much I must have been hurting my wonderful husband.
Yes, it started out with a (long resolved) medical issues. Then I blamed him for being cold and not talking enough thus undermining the intimacy.
Aside from the no sex our life together is pretty great and I could never understand why he would get angry over little things and feel unappreciated when I praised him in front of friends all the time.
Now I understand that he MUST think that I checked out of the relationship!
I’m writing this with tears streaming down my face out of regret for the pain I have certainly caused him.
Thanks for opening my eyes before it got too late for us.
Oh, Sasha, I’m so glad that this spoke to you! I’ll say a prayer for your marriage!
My husband says he’s a Christian but refuses to have sex. It’s been 3 years. He wants me to apologize for saying he wont go to Heaven if he keeps getting drunk. I also said that too much alcohol could cause impotence. We are in our 60’s. His first marriage. I left my first husband of 23 years for him. We have been married for 21 years. I’m praying. I can’t apologize for what the Bible says in Corinthians. He wont go to counseling, nor church and wont read the Bible. I will never give up being kind and living and praying. Any answers?
I have been married for 21 years. For the last 13 he refuses to have sex with me. He hasn’t even touched me. He told me some years ago he doesn’t love me and actually has had an attraction to my sister. He is not interested in counseling…I don’t think there is any way to save my marriage any more. I still love him, but I feel abandoned and not wanted. I am lonely and broken inside and so depressed. I stayed with him so we could raise our four children together.
Oh, Lori, that’s awful. I’m so sorry. You should likely see a counselor even if he won’t to help walk you through how to handle this. That’s just not right.
I’m glad you raised this issue. I’ve been married 20 years. Both my wife and I work full time, I cook more than 50% of the meals, do all the yard work, help with the laundry, do more than 50% of the housework, and tell her I love her about twenty times a day, but she seldom wants to have sex. It feels very much like a control thing. I’ve tried to have a conversation with her many times, but she’s defensive, acquiesces for a while, and then resumes her former behavior.
We have such a double standard in this country. If I had an affair, I’d be considered a cheater and a jerk, but she can weaponize sex and it’s her body so I have to respect it.
Seems just as dishonest to me to marry someone and refuse to have sex with them as to marry someone and have sex with someone else.
I have been married for five years. My wife doesn’t want to have sex with me. Her only frequent response is “I feel disconnected from you”. I tell her I love her and surprise her with flowers, but that’s not enough. She aways comes up with an excuse for withholding sex from me. Now, I watch a lot of porn. I find myself staring at women at work elsewhere. I am nt happy Married life sucks!
Hi Jed Do yourself a big favor buy and watch “Fireproof” DVD
Jed,
I am sorry to hear about your predicament.
I am not trying to be harsh or insensitive in what I ma bout to say, but I am speaking from personal experience.
Get as far away from the pornography as you can and leave it alone! Many may not think so, but it will begin to control you. It will please you for a short bit, but the after effect is a deeper sense of loneliness. Jesus said that even looking on a woman to lust after her is committing adultery in the heart. I do not speak this as an outside observer, but as one who suffered a horrible addiction to pornography after being introduced to it when I was about ten years old. It is an awful struggle, and in 2004 of experts came to the conclusion that pornography has the same effects on the brain which could be found with cocaine use [1].
Many Christians (myself once included) think that they can view pornography in secret and it will have no external effect, but it will and it does. Viewers of pornography will look at women differently, inside and outside of the church. One will no longer see a dear sister-in-Christ, but rather another woman to fantasize about. This effect is inevitable with continuous viewing.
It is very difficult when a spouse withholds sex. But, and as hard as it can be at times, you need to do your best to personally walk in the Spirit and to not fulfill the lusts of the flesh (in this case, extramarital activities such as pornography use). Once again, I say none of these things as an outside observer, but with love and sympathy as a result of personal experience.
REFERENCES:
[1] http://www.webmd.com/men/features/is-pornography-addictive
She’s withdrawn from the marriage. She’ll be in for a rude awakening when you file for divorce.
Debbie,
my heart goes out to you in this as well as all the other women who are suffering due to this level of deep hurt.
I too sought the help of the ‘church’ & Godly advice when my husband was almost terminated from his employment after it was discovered he had downloaded porn onto his desktop. He has NEVER confessed to this, only tried to pin the blame on another co-worker for trying to ‘sabotage’ him! It has been almost 4yrs and ALL of this has destroyed my trust in him or desire to even be touched by him. The ‘church” told me to ‘fast’ and pray & seek God. THAT was it.
THEN I had a referred ‘Christian counselor’ who was member of that same church tell me to LEAVE him…as did a professional Christian Counselor connected with Focus on the Family! When they learned of the ongoing attempts over the years of my trying to seek counsel dealing with all of his lying, porn issues…THEY were the ones, these 2 separate women (godly) counselors, who directed my attention to WHAT it was I actually dealing with.. They both, independent of each other, discussed Passive Aggressive Behavior that can absolutely destroy a woman and send her into a ‘crazy cycle’ all the days of her life. I have tried to surrender every part of my marriage to the LORD and nothing has ever changed…ONLY worsened…because to remain in this type of abusive relationship only gives way for ‘enabling’ him to worse behavior. The LORD says for wives not to separate from their husbands….but HE ALSO said.. IF you do, remain single or else return to the marriage. HE KNEW that in some cases it would be necessary for temporary separation in order that the seriousness of whatever offenses are taking place, can be dealt with.
REGARDLESS of the advice to leave my spouse by 2 separate Christian counselors, I remained for the sake of our teenage daughter. But i can see now, how all of this is slowly destroying her as well. I see the pain in her face regularly. I need courage and faith to do what is right..and sometimes it’s the thing we LEAST want to do. Many women want MOST to get out.. but I have LEAST wanted to leave.. which could be the very thing the LORD needs me to do so HE can deal w/my husband in a manner that he deserves apart from myself & my daughter!
Unbelief and Ungodliness are the core of most failed marriages.. My husband has ‘chosen’ the wrong path. Unbelief and rebelliousness against GOD Almighty & HIS Son, our Savior.
May the LORD bless you & strengthen you as HE leads you this journey.
blessings always dear lady
.
I would always give separation a try before filing for divorce. The offending spouse might just wake up then when they realize how much they are losing!
MTM,
My experience has been that my wife has historically only “changed’ when she thought she would lose something she wanted (such as having someone available to take advantage of, while paying her bills, and for her to control and live off from.)
The change has not ever seemed to be genuine.
She once said she was changed, and shortly afterward had an opportunity to destroy some situations and possessions belonging to our family; I asked and warned her several times not to and she did. Afterwards when there was no way to repair the damage she said again that everything had changed. Sort of like “now that Bill’s been fired because of my lies, I don’t want to get him fired anymore, (gee I hope he never gets his job back).”
Regretfully her “waking up” is always seeming to be an act.
As far as intimacy, I looked hard at this and I believe she broke the marriage covenant by defrauding the marriage similar as if she had an affair. We tried a female “Christian” marriage counselor who’s primary work involved trying to make me feel through various manipulations that I was wrong for wanting biblical intimacy to be in the marriage. Wow. The stench of what people do is just awful.
My wife situation is sad because corruption is what she is reaping, and yes I tried to talk about these issues, when I tell her of these things she fights VIGOROUSLY against and rejects my words to her.
The pain is quite great in this.
Hi Defeated,
I feel your pain! I am going through it too!
I also suspect that my wife’s main motivation to be with me is that I pay all of the rent, utilities, food, household and automobile expenses, even though she receives two pensions. She has been sending money to her oldest son (who is now 40 years old) for over a year because he is starting his own business. Yet she always asks me to buy things that she wants for the house. When I tell her that I do not have the money to buy these things, she tells me that I have to have faith and believe God for these things.
We have not had sex for over a year and a half now. She has been expressing the desire to move back to Colombia where she is from ever since we have been living here in Mexico. She has told me that she wants me to go with her (I suspect for the provision I have been giving her). However, I told her that God has called me go be a missionary here in Mexico, which she knew before married me. Her 34 year old son has been begging her to move back to Colombia. She calls him at least 30 times a month (I’m glad that our service with Telmex has unlimited international calls to most countries in the world). I also told her that I am not interested in living in a sexless marriage in Colombia.
Last week, I told her that I wanted her to move back to Colombia. On Monday, I even helped her to purchase her airline tickets on-line. She is taking a plane from Mexico City to Colombia on December the 6th. She bought a return ticket to come back to Mexico on March the 10th. However, if she does not repent, she cannot come back here to live with me. I have been praying that she will repent, but if she never does I am much happier living by myself than in a bad marriage. I have tried my best to be a good husband to her, but my happiness in the marriage is not very important to her, only her happiness is. The concept of obeying God even when we do not feel like it seems to be a foreign concept to her. A disobedient, rebellious wife is a curse to me, not a blessing! Again, I am continuing to pray that she will humble herself and repent so that she can be the wife that God wants her to be for me as her husband.
MIM, I think you are doing the right thing. She needs to repent of defrauding you.
Men can’t take the pressure of being needed all the time. We women need other women to boost us up and get friendship with. It’s a fantasy to have a knight in shining armor, find God and have him be your friend for awhile, so you can pray and ask him what you should do to improve the situation. Get some exercise, feel better about yourself, go to a codependency meeting and talk to others addicted to wanting a relationship so much you drive the other one away. Addiction to relationships is just as bad as to a video game. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, A nagging wife is worse than a dripping faucet. I am not showing less compassion for you, I understand. I lived a loveless marriage for 23 years until I fell in love with someone higher than myself and that was my 4th daughter that needed me more than my own needs. My preoccupation with him, voided my relationships with my kids. I realized it and admitting it wouldn’t be different, focused on those who did need me. And want me. It didn’t work out as we had no money by that time and my family didn’t help with my new goal of taking care of my kids and forgetting about myself for a change. They thought it was all my fault, everything that happened, like the church who didn’t care if he withheld love from me, a sin, they still take the attitude that it is somehow our fault. If he loves videos more than God and his family, then someone has to bring God into the house and make it a safe place for everyone to open up. He may have a medical problem or a deep seated issue with women, maybe his Mother or other things on his mind that men are reluctant to talk about. His lack of intimacy is a fear for him too . Maybe someone rejected him and he closed his heart up to keep safe, but do your job of taking care of yourself and making yourself whole in Christ, as he will never leave you and a man likes a whole woman who is confident in herself and is attracted to that. They are not made to carry all our needs, unless they are equppid by God to do so. Someone has to stop the dance of strife and seperate themselves and start to grow even if the other one doesn’t want to. Don’t do it arrogantly though. Do it because you are worth loving yourself and looking out for yourself and your kids. Do your job with your kids and let God do his job with your husband. Don’t seek revenge or speak an unkind word in anger or frustration. Get some great exercise and work out some frustration and get some good natural endorphins to feel better. No one can make another person feel happy all the time. Be content in any circumstance and joyful in your tribulations as the Lord will see you through them if you let him love you and into your heart and have a forever friend. His agape love is greater than any love or attention we get from begging even if it is rightly ours to have. No marriage is perfect as it’s unattainable, so praise the attention when you get it and it will keep him safe in wanting to repeat that behavior again. It takes 20 positives to erase a negative, so watch your words and go to sleep thinking of good things you have like kids and a home and other things he provides. Withholding sex is wrong and if he does it for more than a year, you have grounds for divorce, as that is constructive abandonment and against the law. You have a right to be happy too, but we can’t change another person. We can only change ourselves with God’s help. We can do nothing without him and wasting energy wishing and worrying and self pity just exhausts us and we ruminate on things we can’t control. Complaint is a sin too as we are then not being content in all circumstances. That is another command. God knows the desires of our hearts and our needs before we ask him. We get not because we ask not. Ask for wisdom and learn his word and seek counsel of Godly people. We are destined to reign as God’s people. But not destined to control others. Nobody really likes being told what to do, but we still have a job to teach our children what is right and wrong and gently teach them and teach them the word of God and pray without ceasing and give him your burden and let him handle it. Rest in the fact that he will do it. He never breaks a promise. People will let us down, don’t let your kids down and take care of yourself and love yourself, you are worth it.
Thanks, Mary, for your comments.
I am a 76 year old male and my wife is 68 years old. She has now gone back to Colombia and plans on coming back here on March the 10th. Our friends here in Mexico who do not know about our marital problems are amazed that she will be gone that long.
However, given that I am living in a sexless marriage, I agree with her that we need to be separated for at least three months. I sent her an e-mail and read it to her before she left (she said that she only briefly glanced at it a week before I talked to her about it). From another website, I translated into Spanish “The Ten Commandments of a Christian Marriage” and sent it to her with this e-mail as an attachment. Having sex regularly is one of these ten commandments. I told her that if she was much happier living in Colombia than with me here in Mexico, that she should stay there. I also told her that I did not want her to come back here until both of us wanted to obey these ten commandments for a Christian Marriage. Before she left, I told her to leave her set of the keys to the house with me, since she won’t be needing them in Colombia.
I asked her if she would like me to go with her to Mexico City, where the plane leaves from for Colombia. She said yes. We took a first class bus from here (about six hours away) to Mexico City. We then spent a night at a nice hotel (with no sex) and I took her out for breakfast the next day. I went with her to the airport after that and got in line with her for her to check in. After she got her ticket, I kissed her goodbye, took a cab from the airport back to the bus station, and then took a bus back to where I live in Mexico. There was a romantic movie on the bus that I watched, and I caught myself crying because I still love my wife, even though apparently she doesn’t love me as a wife should love a husband. (She told me that she never has loved me with romantic love, that she married me because she felt pressured by people to do so. I was devastated when she told me that! We have been married for about five and a half years now.)
I called her last night to make sure that she got to her destination in Bogota without problems. She told me that she really appreciated me going with her to Mexico City. I told her that I did it out of love.
So, even though I have been very firm with her lately about what she needs to do to continue living with me, I have tried my best to be a loving husband to her.
I believe that the root of our problems is that before marrying me she was used to being the boss not only in her work, but as a widow in her home as well. Her then 29 year old son was living with her at the time. Many times she wants to treat me like she treated her son, telling him what he needed to do. Since we have been living here in Mexico, she has always wanted to do what she wanted to do without caring what I thought about it. In short, she has always wanted the benefits of having a husband but still being independent at the same time. I told her that she needs to start thinking in terms of us rather than just what is good for her.
Many in the Charismatic movement, which we are part of, think that when they feel something it is from the Lord. In other words, many in this movement want to obey their feelings rather than what the Bible teaches us to do. I didn’t feel like going to Mexico City with my wife, but I did it out of love. So, we should especially not be led by our feelings in our relationship with our spouse, like my wife does.
I know it’s been three ears, but how are you and your wife doing , MIM?