Women are hormonal. We make jokes about PMS. We use hormones as our excuse to eat chocolate. They’re part of our regular vocabulary, but I’m not sure we women understand how much they can impact our sex drives. Hormones and sex are deeply interconnected.
Yesterday we were talking about pregnancy and sex, and today I want to talk about hormones and sex–and how to handle it when hormones kill your libido. I was going to talk specifically about sex and breastfeeding, but most of the problems come back to hormones (or lack thereof), and this applies to not just your childbearing years, but to menopause, too. So let’s try to understand this.
First, a little background. In both men and women, testosterone is related to arousal and libido. Men obviously have more than women, but we still need that testosterone boost. Normally we get a hormonal surge smack in the middle of our cycles, when we’re ovulating, that lasts several days. God made us that way so that we’d desire sex on the days that we’re able to get pregnant. (Incidentally, that’s also why people using hormonal birth control often find that their sex drives plummet. They aren’t getting these normal hormonal fluctuations that cause an increase in libido at certain times.)
So what happens to us when those cycles aren’t happening? Let’s look at pregnancy first. When we’re pregnant, some people find sex even better (especially during months 4-7). But others find their libido almost shuts down. One woman commented yesterday, saying that in her first pregnancy sex was great, but this time she just can’t get aroused. And she can’t figure it out, because she totally loves her husband.
Now what about nursing? For many of us, that kills libido, too. If nursing prevents you from having your period (which it will, at least for a few months), then that hormonal surge is gone. But even when you do start your period again, many women find that as much as they may want to, they just can’t seem to get aroused.
Something similar happens with menopause. Women who have gone through the hormonal changes menopause bring will often say the same thing. Mentally they want to have sex, and they’re doing the same things that they always did before that worked, but this time they’re just not getting turned on. And it drives them nuts! What happened to your sex drive? Did menopause just steal it?
How do you cope?
I’m going to give a couple of quick thoughts, and then I would love to pool the cumulative wisdom we have on this blog and ask you all for more of your thoughts! Then maybe this weekend I’ll try to do a roundup or something. But here goes:
1. Use Lubrication
Absolutely, no doubt about it. In the comments on previous threads lots of women have suggested coconut oil, and then of course there are the lubricants you can purchase in the drug store. But lubes don’t just help sex work without discomfort; they can even aid in arousal.
You see, when you’re trying to have intercourse and you’re dry, it’s rather unpleasant. But when you’re wet it feels so much better. It’s like the difference between a massage with no massage oil and a massage with oil. It just feels more delicious. So using lubrication doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. It’s not “second best”. It just is simply something that can help you feel better and help keep everything more comfortable!
My husband and I speak at FamilyLife marriage conferences, and one weekend we were speaking with another couple that was in their late fifties. And they absolutely swore by lubrication. After menopause, she needed it. And it made a tremendous difference.
2. Spend a Lot of time Relaxing
Our sex drives are largely in our heads. When we want to make love, our bodies TEND to follow. They don’t always, though, as many of you have said. But relaxing first can help that process. So spend time in the bath together. Ask for a massage (especially if you’ve been carrying babies around all day). Drag things out so that sex is about real connection and not just about release, and you may find that arousal does come when you give it time. But even if it doesn’t, you’re still relaxed and you still feel good!
You’ll notice I haven’t really said “spend more time on foreplay”. It’s not that I don’t think foreplay is important; I do. But I know for many women, when hormones just aren’t there and arousal is difficult, foreplay can actually be quite stressful. You end up feeling like a failure. I’d recommend instead that you spend a lot of time in leadup in other ways. Ask for a massage while you’re both naked. Concentrate on how it feels. Ask him to massage your thighs and not just your back. If you are able to get aroused, it’s more likely to start then than while he’s actually touching a more erogenous zone. So I’m not saying don’t do foreplay; I’m just saying don’t get all stressed about it. Concentrate instead on relaxing and feeling physically wonderful in other ways, and then if arousal happens, that’s great. But don’t work yourself into a frenzy with foreplay, because that can actually have the opposite effect sometimes!
3. Concentrate on the Other Benefits of Sex
I read a thread on another blog recently that said, basically, that breastfeeding meant her libido vanished, and that was God’s birth control, to make sure that our children were spaced out farther. And so her husband just realized that this was the baby’s turn, not his turn.
Again, I’m very uncomfortable with women swearing off sex for extended periods of time. I know it may be difficult to get aroused, but that doesn’t mean that sex can’t be meaningful in other ways.
Sex is supposed to connect us physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Even if you’re not multi-orgasmic, you can still have those other two elements. You feel closer together. You laugh together, like you have a shared secret. You feel intimate. You may be able to live without an orgasm, but do you really want to live without all of that? Certainly there are other ways to feel close, but this is the main one that God gave to us.
Again, you may not have an orgasm, but if you’re lubricated and relaxed, it can still be fun. And if you turn the tables sometimes, and decide to be the initiator and challenge yourself to make him feel great, your own arousal level isn’t quite as important. He’ll feel like a million bucks, too!
4. Don’t Stress About It
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t worry about our own pleasure; of course it’s wonderful to feel pleasure. I’m just saying that there are times when things aren’t going to work as well. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you. And if this is tied up in pregnancy or nursing, there is an end in sight. But during those times when hormones aren’t surging, just make sure that you don’t give up on intimacy. Find other things to look forward to while making love, and stress the touch and the massage and the relaxation, and you may just find that you yearn for it, too–just in other ways!
Now, what thoughts can you offer us on hormones and sex? What’s been your experience? Let me know in the comments!
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Does Your Sex Life Need a Pick-Me-Up?
Maybe it's gotten stale. Maybe it's never felt that great. Or maybe you just feel like you're missing something!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
It is biblical to abstain from sex for a time. For 7 days during your period and also for 40 days following the birth of a male child and for 80 days following the birth of a female child (Lev 15). Also for a time of mutual prayer (1 Cor 7). I believe that God does want us to take a break from sex some times. And if your husband can’t give you that gift then he is not showing you grace.
Absolutely, (and abstaining after you have a baby for six weeks is a necessity). But I’m talking about more run of the mill, everyday relationships. And to abstain from sex for prayer is fine, if both agree, but if we women are saying, “we need to abstain so we can pray” a lot, then that’s not biblical, either. So yes, it’s fine to abstain for obvious reasons, like your period or after you have a baby, but to abstain regularly in a relationship isn’t really what the Bible presents as a healthy marriage.
In fact, if anything, the 1 Corinthians 7 passage is warning us NOT to abstain. It’s not saying, “yes, of course you’ll have to abstain frequently in marriage!”. It starts off by saying DON’T, and then gives one exception: prayer. So I think the biblical norm is a healthy, vibrant sex life because that’s what makes you feel really intimate and connected, and that intimacy and connection is a good thing! Especially as a new parent, because that’s when you really need to feel like you’re on the same team and you’re in this together.
I was going to ask about this as well.
When I had a brain tumor years ago and they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, they checked all my hormones. Normal testosterone levels for men range from 250 to 850. Normal testosterone levels for women are 25 to 85! This explains so much how differently men and women are. On the comments from yesterday’s post, women thought their husbands should be able to go a long time without sex “for they aren’t animals” they said. Well, God made them to want and need sex a lot!
“For they aren’t animals” LOL. That’s fascinating about the testosterone levels being so far apart, but I had to laugh that women yesterday were saying “For they aren’t animals”(I didn’t read the comments section yesterday). So if they aren’t animals, what are they plants? Sorry, I shouldn’t joke, I’m a little stressey, so maybe it’s making me silly.
Being silly is good; it is definitely a stress reliever! Since you missed yesterday’s discussion, though, I’ll explain the idea behind yesterday’s comment. Men are, of course, animals in the sense of having hormonal and instinctual drives, drives that are necessary for reproduction. We are blessed, though, that the sexual act in marriage is not just a physical urge that is periodically fulfilled, like drinking a glass of water to quench thirst. That is the extent of the sex act in beasts but fortunately, humans operate within the context of a relationship which includes mutual enjoyment and mutual intimacy. So men are not like the beasts in just needing copulation but they need the participation of the minds and spirits of each of the spouses.
One thing I think about is that sex is transitory and will be over as soon as we die. Relationships, however, are eternal, as we will continue to relate to one another, ourselves, and God after death. We can experience some foretaste of this heavenly intimacy and one good time to do so is when a wife is quite ill, sex is medically inadvisable, or the couple is separated by military deployment.
I was, in fact, one of the women yesterday who said that men aren’t animals. And I don’t appreciate being laughed at. If you’re a Bible-believing Christian, you know that men are, in fact, NOT animals (or plants, lol). They are human, created in the image of God…in contrast to monkeys or dogs or any animal that basically lives by instinct. To say that men “cannot” live without near-daily sex is putting them into that animal category, and that’s not biblical. If you go back and read what I wrote, you’ll note that I explicitly said I know that sex is important in marriage (however, I do not think that is “more important” than other ways of connecting). But men are not “animal” in needing it every day as animals do. As God’s image-bearers, there is more to them than instinct, and we sell them short (and disrespect them) if we believe (as the secular, evolution-believing world does) that they are primarily driven by instinct. And, in fact, Scripture calls a man to love his wife as Christ loved the church…which requires FAR more than animal instinct.
Tina I have a few thoughts for you. First, I feel you are underselling the significance of sexual connection in marriage. It is the one thing that definitively sets the marriage relationship apart from any other. As for men being animals, they are part of the animal kingdom, one of the categories that all living things are grouped into. They are designed to want sex and sex is meant to be one of the greatest ways for a husband and wife to come together physically and spiritually.
As a separate issue, evolution isn’t necessarily a secular belief. As a Christian who studies and works in science and philosophy I bieve evolution is real, but the statistical chances of genetic mutations occurring and propagating are extremely small. God created the universe and it’s laws in a way where he built in evolution to the physics that govern the universe. Evolution was basically the tool god used to develop humans. Evolution versus creation isn’t so cut and dry as you make it out to be. Humans were made to be intelligent, sentient beings who can understand and appreciate the wonder of the universe, evolution included, and still marvel at gods brilliance in the way he designed it all. There’s just no way to look at the evidence in the universe and accept literal creation as seen in the bible. God just didn’t want the bible to look like a physics textbook.
Sorry for that side note about evolution but I found some of your remarks grossly dismissive and over simplified.
I’m currently 8 months pregnant and though I want sex (sometimes), I feel like I have only windows of opportunity available for my husband. He often leaves for work very early – sometimes as early as 4am and he works long days which means I also work long days at home caring for our 16 month old. After bath and bedtime for the little one, I’m totally exhausted and though I want to connect with my husband, I just don’t have the energy.
We’ve talked about this and he understands almost to the point where he isn’t that interested in sex. He told me that he finds it difficult to get aroused when he thinks about how pregnant I am, knowing all that’s going on inside my body. Though it’s nice to be understood, it would also be nice to have a few more of those opportune windows so we can connect a bit more frequently.
Linda, I totally understand where you’re coming from, and it sounds like you’re both just really overworked. The good news is that this is just for a season, and it doesn’t sound like it’s a relationship issue keeping you apart. I think if you’re both trying to have whatever intimacy you can, even if it’s just snuggling, that’s okay as long as you both agree and as long as you both are looking forward to things getting better! I hope, though, that you’re able to get more time together once the baby comes, because the problem is the exhaustion doesn’t end after the baby is born! 🙂
Linda, I understand where you are coming from. I’m 7 months pregnant and at first keeping up our “normal” sex life was very difficult. That has gotten better but now we’re having the same problem as you. My husband works from 5pm to 1am, usually even later depending on what he has going on. Needless to say our schedule is just ridiculous. We’re up most of the night and then sleep most of the day. Some weeks it’s like we have no time to have sex. That’a how it’s been the last few weeks. Between just getting enough sleep, working, and other responsibilities, it feels like there are no opportunities even though we both want to. Often times I’ll totally be in the mood while he’s at work but by the time he gets home we’re both exhausted and just want to sleep. Like Sheila said, it’s only for a time as we eventually find time (MAKE time) and we connect intimately in other ways. We text each other while he’s gone, we cuddle in bed, and we talk until we fall asleep. Some weeks are better than others but recently it’s been tough. It will pass though and we don’t let it effect our relationship. Just know you aren’t alone and that there will be a time for y’all to come together. This won’t last forever!
I experienced a huge shift in hormones after our second child. I went through postpartum depression and just didn’t feel the desire to do much of anything let alone sex. It is certainly a time where God’s grace and my husbands love pulled me through. We regularly had sex during this time because of my choices. I chose to connect and for me it was part of what helped pull me out of PPD. I let a lot of other things slide during this time but the physical touch and sexual compassion I received from my husband made me feel important, special and loved. I may not have been a very enthusiastic lover but through my willingness to engage my husband used sex and physical intimacy to minister to me. It wasn’t about meeting his needs it was about him meeting my needs in way I didn’t know I needed. I really believe God designed sex in such a way that it can bring comfort and healing to us in ways we would never choose or know otherwise. Sometime we need to allow our husbands to love, minister and heal us through sexual intimacy. It may seem awkward to us but it is part of the great mystery of God’s work through marital sex.
That’s really beautiful, and so true. Sex truly can be a beautiful thing that touches us on a soul-deep level.
I really needed to read this comment. I was diagnosed with PPD after the birth of my son, and was on medication for a while, but had to get off of meds when both my husband and I were out of work at the same time. After he began working again, I was still feeling the effects of mild depression but didn’t think to discuss meds with my Dr until about 2 months ago (so I have been dealing with it for about 4 years). I have wanted a second child for about 3 years now, and of course my husband decided he was ready about the time I got on depression meds. So now I have to get back off of them after about 6 weeks of feeling wonderful. I am concerned about lots of things but re-losing my desire for intimacy with my husband is really concerning me. We have really enjoyed the last few weeks (especially since your 29 day challenge came up just as I began feeling better) and I don’t want lose that. I didn’t know how much *I* needed sex on a regular basis.
You are so right on so many levels. I have issues with depression and I have made a huge effort to never tell my husband no. Sex releases hormones that actually heal you from depression and physical pain. I find sex with my husband is actually medicine in a much better bottle. God knew what he was doing when he created this wonderful gift. If you try even when you feel like you don’t want to you begin to loosen up and actually are thankful you said yes. Sex is so much more than the physical act and people need to see that. We aren’t animals we are human and intimacy is a need we should not ignore. If we all enjoyed our spouses more sexually I promise we would feel so much better.
I love the advice to just relax! I think we can get so worked up sometimes over the thought of having to do everything right, etc. and we do get too uptight to acutally enjoy the connection with our spouses!
This speaks loudly to me, not because I’m pregnant or breastfeeding, because I’m having neither one. My hormones though are raging. I am experiencing what my doctor is calling “unexplained excessive bleeding”. It’s horrible. It lasts longer than the breaks between, it’s causing anemia, and other issues. Honestly, it makes me feel so UNsexual it’s not even funny. Add to it the guilt because I’m not being as intimate with him as I would like to be, and it really wreaks havoc with my emotions and it makes me feel even more unsexy. I know he understands. I know that he understands and he’s happy for those times in between. I think what is getting me through it, is this IS just for a season. My doctor is being VERY proactive in trying to figure out how to slow this down or stop it. And eventually this will have to end.
Thank you for posting this. It helps me relax about it.
Tracy, not to give TMI, but I’ve been having similar issues off an on. And it is absolutely no fun! I hope and pray your doctor can get to the bottom of it!
Tracy, Thank you so much for sharing that. I went through something similar with my cycle (10-13 days of extreme pain, anemia and constant vomiting) and it would take a week to recover after then a week or two of feeling good, then here we go again. Doctors kept recommending a hysterectomy or birth control, but the only thing I wanted more than to never experience that again – was a child, so I refused for two years. When I was sick I felt so guilty because my husband would just look at me with this look on his face. I know it killed him to not be able to do anything to help, and I know that HE felt unsure about ever asking for sex because he never knew when it was ‘safe’. So – he stopped asking. I felt so gross and unsexy – so did I. Our love life was a mess.
Ultimately God’s decision was ‘no’ to a child, so I have started ‘the pill’ and although I am still fighting with an artificially lowered sex drive – I know how important intimacy is with my husband and I cherish every opportunity. We are both learning that it is ok to ask, and we recognize how damaging it is to not be intimate.
I guess I just want you to know you are not alone, and to share a success story. You are already ahead of the game. You see a problem and are taking proactive steps. I join with Sheila to pray that the doctors find a resolution soon.
my doctor is homeopathic, and he told me to take high doses of vit. A for a few days and then a maintenance dose. it has stopped the heavy constant bleeding and its not back to back periods anymore, more space inbetween. im in perimenopause 🙁 having periods and menopause symptoms…..for 9 yrs. and counting.) it killed my libido, throwing me into depression. almost destroyed our marraige as hubby did not sympathize, he found someone online that wasn’t ‘connecting’ with her husband……only the grace of GOD we are where we are today. but now my libido returned and his is gone. so now he does’nt need it, and im going CRAZY. we love each more than ever, but he just flat out doesn’t want to……ever. the couple of times he tried lasted only maybe 5 mins., no where near enough time for me 🙁
It is really important to be relax especially when it comes to Sex thing. Our hormones of the body are keep on changing and renewing that’s why our physical body would really affect it. Taking time to relax is very important. Such a nice advice here and thanks a lot!
Oh, I am SO glad I am not in that stage of life anymore (though I am very newly out of it). I am still nursing my 2 year old, but I think overall my hormones are getting nearly back to normal. It is tough, and it requires work, and I regret that I did not handle those years the way I wish I had. It is worth it, though, to put forth the extra effort for you spouse and your marriage.
I’ve always felt a little “off” with the way I respond to monthly hormonal changes. Like my interest in sex is almost highest the week immediately following my period. The next week it tapers off a little bit. The week after that I really want nothing to do with it. And then I’ll have my period again (usually a full 7 days). I’m really frustrated with this pattern because I wish my interest would remain much more steady. And that I could get into it the same way I do during the first week after my period. My peak interest doesn’t seem to match the time that I’m ovulating. In the same way, my irritability seems to be more increased during the actual week of my period rather than the week before as in typical PMS.
Actually, that’s quite common, too. A lot of women feel a surge of libido right after their period. I think we’re all different in some ways, but the important thing is just to understand how you works (and when you’ll be grumpy!) 🙂
For context, before and during pregnancy, I was one of “those wives” who had a higher sex drive than her husband.
But now that I’m breastfeeding my wee baby, it’s not an “I’m a bit less interested in it now…” attitude. Rather, there’s an awkward discomfort with his nakedness and intimate touch. Like, “what are you doing??!? ……oh right, we’re married. Yeah, I guess you can do that.”
Is that normal? Is it hormonal? Is it relational / attitude problem that I haven’t picked up on?
I am one of those for whom the nursing experience (and stress of baby care) caused a big dip in my marital intimacy. I didn’t handle my lack of sex drive very well. My husband was actually great about it — very patient and understanding — but if I could have it to do over again, I would. He felt less wanted and connected to me, which makes total sense. I wish I had engaged more and kept our physical closeness strong during that time. Great points, Sheila.
One other thing I learned: Post-childbirth I had very low estrogen with one of my kids. Intercourse really hurt. Once the doctor (actually her physician assistant) figured out what was happening, she prescribed an estrogen cream and things got so much better.
J, I remember another woman said that a few weeks ago: that sex really hurt after childbirth. I hope she’s here to read this comment! I guess the thing to remember: if things just aren’t working like they should, talk to your doctor. I know it’s embarrassing, but your doctor deals with way stranger problems than this (trust me). And your doctor can probably help!
Yeah, that was me. Coincidentally, I started to improve quite a bit right after I’d posted that comment. Somewhere between three and four months postpartum I started to actually get wet on my own, and at the same time my milk supply finally seemed to fully stabilize. I don’t know if those were connected at all, but I wonder. I even have a teeny-tiny sex drive every once in a while! Lol! My husband and I now have sex when I know we can spend a good long time warming me up, and in between I try to do very frequent non-penetrative love-making with him. There’s room for improvement, but at least there’s a light at the end of the postpartum tunnel now. If I have this much trouble with my next baby, I’m going to ask about estrogen creams. Thanks so much for addressing this, Sheila!
I have a 5 month old currently and we are still nursing. At the very beginning, when hormonal changes and recovery from pregnancy were clouding everything, I found that my husband being close to me while nursing was very intimate for me. He would snuggle up next to me and our new baby while we nursed (since I spent so much of my day in that vocation!) and sometimes kiss and caress me while we were all sitting together. I found that this actually aroused me. I’m sure that has a lot to do with the fact that oxytocin is emitted while nursing. It was not only a sweet and personal time for us as a family, but it also led to more between us as a couple once we had alone time later that day/evening. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but it might be helpful for those women struggling with sex and nursing.
That’s really sweet, Cami! And isn’t that beautiful family life is supposed to look like? You create and sustain this life together, and then you bond over it!
Great post, thanks. One warning, lubes have been found to be harmful to sperm. If a couple is trying to get pregnant I suggest one of the “sperm friendly” like Pre-Seed.
Great tip, Paul! Thanks.
I’m 7 months pregnant right now and sex is…interesting. I’m not that inclined to have sex, even though pregnant sex is GREAT, because I’m so darn physically uncomfortable and ungainly. I’m at the point right now where I just tell my husband “I love you, and I want you, but don’t expect much from me in the sack” and he understands, because he sees how this pregnancy has affected me physically – so he does most of the work. If he weren’t so understanding I don’t know what we would do!
For me one of the hardest parts of sex after childbirth was that my breasts were soooooo tender and I produced enough milk to feed a small village. It was a while before they evened out and things were back to normal. My husband couldn’t even hug me there for a while without me going “Ouch!” and pulling away.
This being my 2nd pregnancy, though, we have a lot more perspective than we did the first time around. We know that all these things are only temporary and are comparatively short chapters.
I am fixing to turn 47 in April. I am smack dab in the middle of the pre-meno stages. I can go for 4-5 months without a period. Our life is topsy turvy, a teenage son who is rebelling, causing stress related problems for my husband and I. We have several other stress-ors that are taking a great deal of who we used to be away. My husband is not a talker, nor is he open about much, we both struggle with communication even though I reinforce that we need to by now we have been married 24 years and we should agree to disagree and if things are said they should be for constructive criticism or learning what each others needs are but we are failing. I tend to be someone who needs closeness or intimacy that helps lead to the act of love but my husband is the total opposite and spite my requests still just feels uncomfortable. Once a preacher talked about there are the sprints for men but then there is the lazy walk for women and each have to give equally. I believe that in my whole heart. Right now I am praying that after 24 years my husband and I would get it. Our hearts spite stress in our life, when we are approaching the empty nest should be more aware of each others needs. Im fearful and I know that is not of God that we will wake up a couple years from now when the nest is empty and we won’t know who we are any more. Strangers in our own house. Life and Stress is getting in the way but my husband just doesn’t have time and thinks because Im tired or whatever that its the bit NO. Makes me mad that I am his and he won’t reach out. I have been doing some reading last few days on Shelia’s blog and just wish my husband would research how to make it better but time is a great big factor for him. I love him with my whole heart but its scary to think after 24 years we can be strangers living in the same house. Thanks for all your input I will continue to be reading for hope and put in place the Faith God will make it better.
I was hoping someone would comment about having PMDD…you know, when the incredible hulk comes out! I am thankful to find an explanation for my mood swings and craziness, but I’m trying hard not to make an excuse. I’m formulating a PMDD Plan…the above advice will be added to it. Thanks Shelia!
I have also found that using a vaginal wash to restore pH balance helps boost my libido. My sec drive all but vanishes when I am nursing a baby and the pH restoring wash plus lubricant really help. It can also help to go out and buy something special to wear for sex. It makes you feel more attractive which is probably 50% of my problem with my sex drive.
Going through menopause was horrible for me. I lost all desire to have sex even though I previously had the higher sex drive and we had a great marriage. As months went on, I not only had no desire at all, but sex became extremely painful to the point of bleeding no matter what I/we tried. I finally went to the doctor and went on Bio-identical hormones as I felt I was not ready to give up sex at 50. I highly recommend finding a doctor that prescribes BHRT. It can be costly, but your marriage is worth it.
With both of my first pregnancies my libido died a horrible painful death. Especially the second one because I had only just started getting it back, and got pregnant again. During that pregnancy, anything even remotely romantic turned me off. Even just a gentle non-sexual kiss from my husband left me feeling grossed out. I felt like the most horrible wife ever. Lubrication didn’t help either, as my body was so turned off that any kind of touch hurt. It took a whole year from during my second trimester until I my body finally began to open up again that we were not able to have any kind of intercourse. Even though I had no sexual arousal or energy during that time I made sure to give my husband the release he needed. But even that had an unintended side effect, after so long of pouring myself into him without being able to get anything back, (and he did try) I was left feeling completely drained, and got to the point where I literally couldn’t give anymore of myself. We’ve been working hard for a year now to start over and have a truly enjoyable sex life, and things are finally getting better. But now I’m pregnant again, and am scared to death that we will lose everything we’ve worked so hard to regain.
I am a nursing mother of a 6 month old and I have notices that I have no sex drive what so ever. My poor husband. I try but just going through the motions doesn’t feel fair to him.
I have a question – I have been getting migraines for about 10 years now and have (over the past 7 months) had other health problems that we are thinking is my thyroid. Would any of this cause me to have problems with sex? I do seem to want it more than my husband – but that’s a whole other story there – but sometimes absolutely nothing happens. Arousal isn’t the problem, it’s the after-that-fact that tends to ‘elude’ me, especially during, well, you know. those have never happened at the same time. I know I’m being vague, but talking about this is all new to me, so, i hope you’re getting my drift. I guess I’m hoping it’s my hormones rather than.. .well , i have no idea. I guess I’m frustrated and wondering why?
My husband and I are at 35 weeks with our first child. Last week she nearly came and I went into labor. Since then we’ve been working through how to do life without intercourse. So far we’ve found a number of creative solutions for him (and I’m happy to oblige, because I know intimacy matters…and he’s a really great guy who is always sacrificing for me) but I think it will take time for him to understand that there are other things (like massages) that I’d really enjoy. Any suggestions of things to do during this time would be helpful because we are definitely used to an active sex life and both of us miss making love like we used to.
I’ve given up. No amount of lubrication helps. None of the non-synthetic hormone replacements work. Sex was awesome before my hysterectomy. It’s never happening again now. I just hope the actual marriage survives…. w/out sex it sure isn’t much. He’s tense (ya think?!), I’m a failure….. How can a great decision (the hysterectomy for health reasons) also be such a terrible one?! A chance to go back in time???? I’d continue to suffer and decline the surgery I jumped for joy to have (yes, things were that bad….) I was EXCITED for that suffering to end…… NOBODY, not even my Dr told me it would RUIN our sex life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK… vent over.
It was opposite for me. Pregnancy and nursing turned me into an insatiable sex fiend. I couldn’t get enough! If how I felt is how men feel on a regular basis, I sympathize with them.
I really enjoy your topics
I know this is an old post but ill add to it anyway. I gave birth this year. I had 2 depo shots since which im coming off at the moment from bad side effects. And for some reason ive turned completely friged and everytime i have sex with my loving husband i feel like someone is on top of me rapeing me. I cry afterwards because i feel violated. Not because it hurts. I dont understand it because although our sex life hasnt been amazing , it was far far better than this. The thought of him touching my chest makes me want to vomit.