24 Comments

1. 

   Bill on February 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm

   I had to resist making a comment in regards to how we should respond in regards to our aging spouses. It had to do with one word in the title “Love, Honour and Vacuum” and how some men react to pain so as not to appear as wimps.

   Anyhow after reading the great article it gives me a better sense of how my precious bride of 26 years this coming February 22nd still loves me despite my aging and few, okay, honestly, more than a few extra pounds. Now I did just recently shave off my gray beard because there is practically no gray in my hair, so I actually look 10 years younger. So I am told! There is no silver in my hair, but our relationship grows richer by the day as we both ask the Lord to live His love through us to each other and sincerely allow Him to reign thus~wise. We’re growing up in Christ with His indwelling Eternal Presence being given priority. What a marvel of mercy to have Him sculpt our hearts and souls regardless of our not so sculpted physiques, well mine! My dear wife on the other hand is HOT! Even after 5 children all natural born. And yes I do tell her so!
   Thank you Lord for your marvelous, infinite, matchless grace!

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2. 

   Emily on February 11, 2012 at 7:33 pm

   Thank you for this series. It’s very encouraging and practical. We’ve been married three years. My husband has gained some weight and is now about 60-70 lbs over “healthy” weight. But he’s tall and athletic and doesn’t look overweight. I want him to be healthy, I love him, and am still very attracted to him. I feel his extra weight makes him less interested in sex. He’s implied that the extra weight affects his sex drive. I want to be encouraging and not push him but sometimes I feel hurt and rejected.

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   • 

     Sheila on February 12, 2012 at 7:17 am

     Emily, that could very well be true. For men, extra weight often does inhibit a sex drive (as does type 2 diabetes). Why not talk to him playfully about how much better your marriage could be if he were more “in the mood”? And then make it a project together to help him lose weight, by changing the way you both cook, cutting back on carbs, and going for a walk every night.

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3. 

   Christine on February 11, 2012 at 8:35 pm

   I do agree with most of this, it’s VERY inspiring. We all age, we all change. HOWEVER dealing with a few pounds of chub VS dealing with a spouse that has fallen to unhealthy measurements are 2 VERY different things. I think we should also remember we have a responsibility to our spouses to remain as healthy as we can so that we may enjoy longer lives together free of major health issues that could have been otherwise avoided.

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   • 

     Sheila on February 12, 2012 at 7:11 am

     That’s very true, Christine. And as women, we do have a bit more power in this area because we tend to control what groceries are bought! But I do think that rejecting your husband, no matter what his size, isn’t healthy, either. We have to help him lose weight, but we still have to love him!

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4. 

   JAMES WITTER on February 11, 2012 at 11:33 pm

   so true and very well said….this series so far has been awesome

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5. 

   Anon02 on February 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm

   How about if both men and women just decided to be more healthy and eat less unhealthy foods and just consume less then we need in general and worked out more and kept their bodies fit and healthy for their spouses?

   Yes, it is hard. Yes, it takes time. But it will help you in the bedroom and it will keep you healthier, usually meaning you are alive longer to love your spouse. So why not put some of that self-control and discipline to good use and get your body back closer to the shape it was when you first met your spouse?

   I know I would be blessed beyond measure if my spouse did that for me, because I know it would involve a lot of hard work and dedication and sacrifice for them to take off their extra (+80lbs) of unhealthy weight. Plus it would help with the high blood pressure, pre-diabetes and possibly the high cholesterol along with a lot of other health issues. Plus it would make them more attractive to me. I LOVE my spouse, but I can not choose what to be attracted to or not be attracted to.

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   • 

     Sheila on February 12, 2012 at 9:08 pm

     Absolutely! I definitely agree that spouses owe it to each other to try to be healthy and to do what they can to stay attractive. However, in the interim, I don’t think it’s right to withhold sex or to refuse to accept your spouse. Let’s love and respect each other, but always challenge each other to reach for God’s best (which is always the healthiest).

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     • 

       Bill on February 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm

       Yes it is not always easy to be attracted to any situation that is not agreeable to us. Yet, for the Christian, who has Jesus Christ living in us, we can give ourselves to Him in order to allow His love to flow through us. This is not to condone something that is wrong in someone else, or even in ourselves, but it does reach out, as Jesus did to us, to love our spouse in attitude, word and action, regardless.

       It takes a Divine willingness which cannot ever come from the human spirit. Rather it only happens as the Holy Spirit is allowed to move in us and through us. In turn then we and our spouse are more apt to be encouraged by the grace shown, by both God and humans, to want to be changed, yes, transformed. And of course PRAY, for all hearts involved!

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6. 

   jennifer on February 13, 2012 at 12:02 pm

   I love this series. I am so grateful that even though I am 30lbs over my desired weight, since having our child 4 yrs ago, my husband has not lost his desire for me. Unfortunately the extra weight I am carrying has affected my desire for him…because I feel so self-conscious when we are naked. This series has encouraged me to spend time.enjoying my husband again and it is making me more comfortable in my own skin and I find myself desiring to be healthier and more attractive for him again.

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   • 

     Sheila on February 13, 2012 at 1:37 pm

     That’s awesome, Jennifer! I’m so glad. And hey, if you can see how much your husband still wants you, then maybe that will make you feel better about yourself, too, right?

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7. 

   Anna on February 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

   I just wanted to say thank you for writing this post – just what I needed to hear today! Will definitely be reading the rest 🙂

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8. 

   Heather on February 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

   I am lucky here. Here’s the one who is rock-hard and I’m the one who’s gained the weight. The problem is that in order for him to stay rock-hard, he spends 2-3 hours in the gym, that’s 45 minutes away. He uses this gym because it’s close to work, but he still goes on his days off. He works out 6 days a week, so you can imagine how much time he spends away from home. That being said, he does have really nice biceps, triceps, pecs and delts. His abs are pretty close to a six-pack. So he does look good. My problem is that his physique is not what’s important to me. I’d rather have him spend more time at home. Though I know it’s important to him so I will try to spend more time complimenting him on his hard work.

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9. 

   Sara on May 18, 2012 at 1:09 pm

   I am a late bloomer and have just come across “29 Days to Great Sex” today while browsing Pinterest. Honestly, I feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me. I’m a wife of 11 years (12 years this Aug) to a truly terrific husband. Beginning a few years after our marriage, just before our first child was born, we were having issues in the bedroom. Rather, it was my lack of desire that was the underlying problem. He was understanding and has been over the past 9 years or so, but it’s now causing more evident issues. While reading through the 29 days, I seriously could not picture myself doing, let alone enjoying, any of these challenges. Maybe I fall under the ‘selfish’ category, but let me explain. In an effort (my attempt) to help us, we attended the Five Love Languages seminar one weekend. I was so excited because I knew if my DH gave me the “words of affirmation” I NEED, then I would be able to reciprocate and give him the “physical touch” he craves and needs. When we have intimate moments, it’s great ~ I enjoy it but often feel let down because that’s where it stops. The next day is business as usual until our next romp in the hay which now ends up being once or twice a month. It’s sad. I feel as though I am asking too much from him or I’m being selfish with my request. I feel resentful giving him sex when I feel as if I am not being fullfilled in return. I feel as though as long as I am having sex with him, he thinks everything is fine when it’s not. I still long for his words, attention, and adoration through words. However, since he is faithful to me, provides for our family, and is an awesome father – he gives me plenty….just not what I NEED to FEEL like he truly loves. It’s crazy to type this because I’ve never put it so bluntly for fear of being judged. All of our friends actually say we are the “perfect couple” because we have SO many things going in our favor. If this bedroom/romance issue doesn’t get solved soon, I’m not entirely sure how bright the future may be. Please give me your feedback. Is it so bad to need something in return (ie words from him) to make having sex more pleasant and meaningful to me? Thank you, again.

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   • 

     Sheila on May 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

     Sara, I know that you’re feeling really lonely, and that you’re wondering how you can get past this “I don’t get what I need” thing in marriage.

     Here are just a few thoughts:

     If your desire has been low throughout your marriage, and if you’re only making love once or twice a month, chances are he really isn’t getting what he needs, either. So he’s probably feeling badly. So you’re both feeling badly!

     Now you’re at a bit of an impasse. What do you do when you both feel badly? You’d like him to learn to love you the way that you need, and that’s totally understandable. But the problem is that it’s not necessarily helpful. If you wait for him to do the right thing before you do the right thing, then you’re setting up a situation where neither of you might ever do the right thing.

     The other thing I notice is that you’ve sort of relegated sex into the “for him” category. It’s something you do because he wants it (although you admit that you enjoy it when you do have sex). That’s a bit of a dangerous thing in marriage because then your husband can start to feel like you’re just placating him instead of really wanting him, which is a big reason why perhaps he doesn’t act as lovey-dovey towards you as you may want.

     So if I could offer a suggestion, why not show him the 29 Days to Great Sex challenge, and commit to working through it together? But don’t do it because that way HE’LL get great sex; do it so that YOU BOTH will get great sex. I’m pretty sure that if you started this challenge, and he knew that you were committed to making your marriage fun and loving, he’d jump right on board. And then spend the month not thinking about doing it “for him”, but doing things so that you feel great, so that you sleep better, so that you feel more confident, too, and so that you both feel far more intimate. Try to get out of seeing sex as something for him, because it really was meant for both of you.

     So that’s what I’d suggest: reach out to him first. You’ve said he’s a great guy, and that others think you’re awesome together. That’s wonderful! So start thinking about all the things you love about him, and start thinking about all the ways to show him that love. When our attitude changes, and we begin to think about what we can do for him, often his attitude changes, too, because he feels truly accepted and loved for the first time.

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10. 

    C. Everett on August 23, 2012 at 10:33 am

    I really appreciate your honesty, but forgive me for feeling like it dismisses practicality. 🙁 I totally agree with you on the fact that I love my husband dearly, and I love even more the man he has become, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am not physically attracted to his body. It’s weird, because I have evolved in the 11 years we have been married. I no longer care for a slender boyish build. I like a man with a bit of muscle. I really want to look at him and not have to dig deep into my emotional reserves to ignite passion. Any advice?

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11. 

    María E. on April 8, 2013 at 1:30 am

    This was the best article I could find out there.
    I have a young marriage of about 7 years and it seemed that I would be in love forever and that would never change no matter what. However about a year ago we had a fight and he happened to go over the line and physically attacked me. After that I haven’t been able to feel passionate or as “in love” as I felt before and boy have I tried many things. I had always being very open and supporting but after that all I see is how selfish he always looks to me and how little he tries to pay attention to me and things that matter for me. I want to do as much fight for my marriage as possible and even more since we have two children together but sometimes my feelings of undesire for him grow.
    If anyone have any particular advice for me I would be all ears, meanwhile I would try my best doing what this page talks about (which seems very helpful).

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    • 

      Holly on February 25, 2016 at 11:31 pm

      I’m so sorry about what happened- I hope that things have improved?

      Reply
12. 

    anonymous on September 10, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I have just started reading this blog and it has been such a great help!! I will admit I have worked myself into a rut of NEVER initiating, being tooa tired most days (4 kids and homeschool), annoyed that he always seems to initiate on the latest night possible and never even being in the mood until we get started. I started praying about how I was feeling because I really don’t want to have such negative feelings. I started reading your blog and I guess I felt like he was a “horn dog” always thinking about sex. I honestly never get in the mood until he touches me. So anyway, after I read several days of this 29 days. I started taking your advice. Thinking about sex memories during the day. And giving him massages on his back at the end of the night. I now find myself thinking about sex throughout the day!! It’s so nice to want it again and I can’t believe how easy it’s been. I told my husband how I have been thinking throughout the day, I started texting him from an online “secret” # so our snoopy kids don’t see it lol. Today I asked him to pick up something special to wear for him. I think he’s going into shock lol. We had sex 3 nights in a row!! Then last 2 nights he rolled over and feel asleep, I actually found myself hoping he would make a move in the night. Thank you so much for helping me correct some wrong thinking patterns. I really do want to want my husband. I haven’t worked up to making the first move, but I now know how it feels to have someone fall asleep on you lol. Something I have done MANY times to him. I’m only on day 11, looking forward to finishing. Thank you for your blog!! Oh and PS I always wished he was more affectionate and now that I have been more interested in him, he has been more affectionate! Just like you said 🙂

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    • 

      Sheila on September 10, 2013 at 9:52 am

      What an awesome story, and great encouragement to me, too! Thanks so much for sharing!

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13. 

    Havorn on October 25, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I do like the concept of the article. Thank you. My question, though, is what if you feel that both you and your spouse have changed, but not in a good way. Not just extra pounds or other signs of aging, but hurt and bitterness because of things that have happened since getting married? Disappointments with struggles with pornography and sexual attraction on both sides? Pulling away from God and the church because of hurts and hypocrisy? Starting to feel like we’re both becoming more like misshapen Picassos than Michaelangelo’s David.

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14. 

    shanelle on July 10, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    I love what u said about your hubby and your self because that is how I feal about my hubby. And that is what makes me want my hubby more and more u guys are an isperation thank u … much love happyness and peace thank you…

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15. 

    KD on October 14, 2014 at 12:35 am

    What if you were NEVER that attracted to your husband? I don’t understand why articles always assume that “things were great when you were first dating, married, etc.” My husband is not ugly… and he is a great guy with good qualities…. but it is obvious to everyone that he is the one who “married up.” Enough of the “getting back the passion and flame!” What if there is nothing to get back? What if there never was passion?? Neither of us are passionate people, and I don’t even KNOW what that feels like! (Well, I think I COULD be passionate… but not with him.)
    Sure, I want sex as much or MORE than the next person….. but I guess… there is supposed to be more to this than getting your needs met by the only person who legally can. I LOVE him. In a very logical way. In a family, familiar, attachment type way. But when I see him with his shirt off….. I just think, “Wow. I can’t believe I had sex with that.” And sometimes I think I could have done better. In fact… when I look at him I just think, “You are so lucky to have landed a hot girl like me.”

    This is horrible. It even shocks me to see it in writing….. But if I’m honest with myself – and you – this is really what goes through my head. Don’t get me wrong; I would never turn him down if he wanted sex. We have been married for 3 years. The first two were super rough. I always wanted sex. He always found better things to do. Maybe deep down he knew I didn’t find him attractive. He even said that he didn’t want me to look at him naked because he didn’t feel sexy.
    I feel bad. Because the way he looks really does bother me… but I can’t talk to him about it. That would be horrible. I can deal with the balding head and the brown eyes (I hate brown eyes), but it’s the slouching, the 10-20 extra lbs on his waste, and the sometimes frequent refusal to brush his teeth before bed and refusal to eat healthy that really turns me off completely.
    Recently he was sent away on a year long work assignment. Normally, I’m a really touchy, huggy, sex craving person who wants lots of attention. When he came back for a visit after not seeing him for a month, I didn’t want him to come anywhere near me. I told him, “Don’t touch me! I don’t know you!!” He doesn’t look any different than when I married him…. but when you take away the neediness…. it really shatters the rose colored glasses. I saw a picture and thought, “Good Lord! I’m married.. to HIM? This is my…. husband?! My what?! He looks so old! I’m young! What was I thinking?!?” I guess when I agreed to marry him I assumed that he would work out and get into shape for me like all my friends’ husbands did. At least he is healthier from being married to me, even if he never did turn into prince charming.
    I guess I can just keep praying that he will have the self control to lose weight and build muscle and to actually pursue me romantically. He doesn’t have a passion for me, either.

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16. 

    Joy E on May 28, 2015 at 8:30 am

    “It is not always a hot and instant passion, but more of a low eternal flame that is always burning and just needs a little encouragement to turn into the hot, intense heat of passion.”

    This is true. What if a wife understands this but hubby won’t give that encouragement? What if he doesn’t put in any effort to make her feel desired? It’s tiring for a woman to psyche herself up all the time just so she can “show up”. It would be nice to be turned on by his words of affirmation and tenderness, but he just wants to start kissing and touching. It’s rather bleh and it’s just easier to forget about sex altogether 🙁

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