We’re seven days into our 29 Day to Great Sex challenge, a series leading up to the launch of my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (update: now available!)
Day 7 is all about dealing with the differences in sex drives–whether it’s HIM who has the higher sex drive or whether it’s HER who has the higher sex drive.
And when your libidos don’t match, you need to be able to talk about it, understand how the other person feels, and both be giving.
That’s hard to do–especially the talking! And that’s where this series comes in. Because it’s step by step, and you just do what it says, it helps you have those tough conversations without it seeming like, “I’m the one who is forcing us to talk about something awkward.” No, you’ve agreed to do this together, and if a tough subject comes up, it’s nobody’s fault. It takes the pressure off!
This content is exclusive to 31 Days to Great Sex, the book.
Part of the 29 Days to Great Sex series has been removed from the web, but it’s all available in 31 Days to Great Sex–which is only $4.99 in its ebook format!
Here’s what’s coming later this week: how to flirt with your husband, play with your husband, and get in a more frisky frame of mind!
Sheila is also the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Previous:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Next:
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Plus you’ll learn about keeping the bedroom inviting, challenging both of you (but especially HIM) to be more affectionate, when (and if) you should consider scheduling sex, and more!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love what you are doing here and how you are helping people. It is nice to have someone who knows what they are talking about giving advice.
Aw, thanks!
“Don’t Be Goal Oriented. Be Direction Oriented.”
I love that – it’s so right. And for any men reading along, praise her for moving in the right direction, even if it seems like a crawl to you. Most men will never understand how hard this can be for a woman, and being upset with her only makes it harder for her.
“I firmly believe that with most things in life what matters is not so much where we are but the direction that we are going.”
This was a breakthrough for me. The hubs and I were just talking about this recently. We’ve hit a LOT of roadblocks in the sex department of our marriage and it seems like every time we overcome one obstacle, we slam into another one. For so long I had worried that my husband was really disappointed with our mediocre sex life and that made me feel even more stressed and pressured. But I recently learned that while he wishes things were better, he’s mostly just happy we’ve made the progress we have. I’ve always been so focused on “arriving” at some point where our sex life will be great and we won’t have to work on it anymore. But that’s never going to happen. No matter how great your sex life is you always have to work on maintaining it. My husband assured me that he’s confident things will get better over the years and for now we need to just enjoy what we have and try to continue to make things better, all the while realizing this is something we will be working on for our entire lives.
That’s a really neat insight! I’m glad that your husband can see it, too. And you know what? Things honestly do get better. That’s what I found in my surveys–people who had been married for longer tended to enjoy their sex lives more, at least until you get old enough that health problems start to enter into the equation. So if you’re going in the right direction, and you both are committed to it and have the right attitude about it, you really are in a good place–even if you can see all the ways that you wish things could be better!
So when do health problems typically enter into the equation?
Often around years 25 or so. That’s when the frequency of sex starts to go down, as well.
I’m struggling, plain and simple. Married as a virgin almost 10 years ago and NEVER experienced an O. Never. Not once. We haven’t had sex in months. I want to want to, but I don’t want to. We’ve done so much emotional damage over the years that it feels overwhelming, perhaps impossible, to overcome any of it. We’re dealing with abandonment issues, lack of trust, the invasion of porn, and very busy daily lives. I wish I felt hopeful about this, but I don’t even know how to take the first step in the right direction.
I know it seems really overwhelming right now, and you can’t tackle everything at once, but I’d say just talk to him about it and commit to working in the right direction. You really don’t want a marriage where you never make love. That’s so lonely, and you know that you aren’t experiencing everything out of the relationship that you can. You really want to build more towards intimacy. So start talking. Over this week we’re going to talk about how to have fun and how to flirt. Really try to do those things again. Develop your friendship so you can rebuild trust. And then start working on the more physical side. But do not give up. No one wants to live that kind of a lonely life, and many, many people have gotten through things like this and come out stronger. So pray about it, commit to work together at it, and then just learn to laugh and trust again. When you’re heading in the right direction, the rest will come.
One more thing, though: it really is a choice you have to make. It isn’t something that’s just going to happen. You have to decide to forgive, to put things behind you, and to try to see your relationship in a positive light. I know that sounds hard, but it is possible. Pray about it and ask God to show you that.
Thank you for hearing me. Lonely is exactly where I am, but not where I want to be.
I’m going to ask my husband to get your book for me for Valentine’s Day. 🙂
I’m sure he’ll be happy to! 🙂 It’s the kind of book men will like to buy…
wife and i read them together every night….thanks for stepping out and not being afraid to talk about these issues
Sheila
I can’t express how much your posts on 29 days to great sex are having on our marriage!
They seem to be going right along with One Flesh Marriage’s 10 day sex challenge which we are doing. God is moving in a big way. I know you have been a blessing to all those who take your messages to heart!
Keep up the great work.
Thanks so much! It’s great to get the encouragement!
**I firmly believe that with most things in life what matters is not so much where we are but the direction that we are going. **
This is so true. For so long I’ve been stuck in a rut of feeling like things would never change–like why bother trying because I always seem to fail at it anyway. Such a defeatest attitude and NOT Godly.
God is working so much in my marriage lately. We’ve realized that although ministry is a wonderful thing God has placed before us, it doesn’t supercede our marriage. How can we minister to others if our marriage isn’t where God intended it.
Thank you for being obedient to the call God placed on your life and for being the vessel of such amazing testimonies and truth. Blessings!
we are reading together and doing challenges, but it was so funny last night I said we still need to do a couple of the challenges and he said we already have great sex we don’t need any challenges, but we both agreed, even with a great sex life it can always get better, but will we survive? HAHA. Thanks again for this!
My husband and I want to try this, but he is leaving for a couple of months. He is starting a new job, you have any advice on how we can continue this while hes on the road?
It’s probably best if you wait until he gets back. You can certainly talk about things while he’s away, but I think launching in to it would just be frustrating!
thank you so much for this challenge!! My husband and I have been doing them as we can fit them in and so far we are at day 7 about two weeks into this!! We are married ten years and have had ups and downs like any couple in our sex life but recently I have felt like I wanted more. The biggest roadblock for me has been my husbands past porn use/ lust problem. Things are much better now (he’s confessed and had accountability for several years now) but i feel like this really affected my self confidence. When I told him this AM that his 15 min. is coming up tonight before he left for work; he kissed me passionately and well.. let’s just say one thing led to another and he might have ended up being rather late for work. lol. I am so happy to see him walking around grinning from ear to ear and whistling like he used to do when we were newly weds!! Oh,and I have had one of the best O’s I have had in months this week! God bless you for your ministry to christian marriages!!
That’s awesome, Tina! So happy for you.