It’s Day 4 of the 29 Days to Great Sex series, and today we’re going to talk about kissing and marriage!
29 Days to Great Sex is a series I’m writing leading up to the release of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. (Update: Now available!)
Over this first week we’ve talked about some of the barriers that we can have from enjoying sex–whether it’s wrong ideas about sex, or feeling that we’re just not attractive. I know yesterday was a challenge for many of you–trying to find 5 things to feel positive about with your body.
Today I want to get really practical–and so I hope for many of you today’s challenge will be fun and easy. Let’s smooch!
Do you remember practising kissing when you were 11 and 12? You spent your nights imagining when a boy would actually kiss you passionately (and that’s really as far as the dream went, because that’s pretty much all you wanted back then). You fantasized about kissing. You dreamed of kissing!
Then you met your now-husband, and chances are those dreams became a reality when you were dating. You kissed every chance you could get.
And then, for so many couples, you got married and kissing almost came to a halt.
I think it’s because of a misunderstanding of what kissing is for. Often men think kissing is foreplay–as in, it’s necessarily going somewhere. Because many women are reluctant to put a down payment on something they may not want to purchase later, so to speak, they stop kissing, so that he doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Kissing then becomes something that you avoid unless you’re about to have sex.
But that’s too bad, because kissing actually makes us women feel closer to our men! It’s fun. It’s intimate. And it grosses out the kids (in a good way!).
Just because you’re not sure you’re going to want to make love in the evening is no reason to avoid kissing earlier in the day (now if you always turn your husband down, that’s a problem, but we’re going to get to that later in this series). If you avoid kissing, then you deprive yourself of one of your primary ways to get your libido up–and almost guarantee you WON’T want to make love later.
Most couples only kiss today as foreplay–not throughout the day. Or if they do kiss, it’s just a quick peck. So I want you to start kissing–really kissing–everyday!
If you avoid kissing, then you deprive yourself of one of your primary ways to get your libido up–and almost guarantee you WON’T want to make love later.
Quick kissing tips:
- Saliva: some like it. Some don’t. Find out what preference your husband has (and let him know yours).
- Breath mints are your friend. Have some in your purse and use them throughout the day (and share them with your hubby!)
- Tongue: Same thing. Some really like it. Some don’t. Keep it light! If your husband is too tongue-happy, tell him, “Let me kiss you for thirty seconds and show you how I like it”. And then do so enthusiastically!
- Use your hands. Let them caress his back, or his arms, or his head, or wherever you like!
Some inspiration to get you going (watch it with him, and then do it!)
Great Sex Challenge: Pucker Up for 15 Seconds!
Set the kitchen timer and kiss for at least 15 seconds straight. It’s amazing how long 15 seconds actually seems. And then start repeating this, everyday, during the day (as in not just at night while you’re lying in bed). You’ll find yourself feeling more warmly towards your husband, and likely more warmly towards sex!
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!
Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?
Want to try new things--but don't know how to start?
No more wondering how to talk about what feels good or what you'd like to try. This fun challenge will get you talking and trying new things without the awkward.
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up! (This one!)
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Love it! Definitely a challenge I am looking forward to. Always a good reminder: kissing is a great way to release oxytocin (a bonding hormone) so kiss each other long and kiss each other hard.
Megan
Okay, so here’s a question. What do you do with a hubby who seems to think that anything more than a good peck automatically equates to foreplay, if there’s any time to be had? LOL. I *love* to kiss, but I find I have to hold back or hubby thinks I’m looking for a whole more than I’m actually looking for! 😀
Great question! Here’s what I’d say: Sit him down and say this, “Look, honey, I want to have a great sex life with you. I really do. But sometimes I just need to get in the mood, and if I feel like everytime we kiss I HAVE to make love, then I’m not likely to ever kiss because it turns into pressure. But kissing makes me feel awesome, and a lot more romantic towards you. So you absolutely have to get used to kissing without it necessarily going anywhere–and I think you’ll find that it’s more likely to GO SOMEWHERE! I’m not promising, but I want to get romantic again, and I think this would really help. And then both of us would benefit!” And then you do your utmost to make love frequently. I think most women will find that if they do make love with relative frequency, then the husbands stop trying to push things when you’re just trying to get romantic or have fun, you know?
This is a great post! I was honestly just thinging about this last night. Thinking about how we never kiss anymore. We make it a point to say I love you before either of us leave but I was thinking we should start kissing goodbye. AND hello! This morning I was praying for my marriage. Whenever I am thinking of putting good things in and working on it, something bad happens. Would appreciate your prayers for protection and wisdom. Thanks!
This hit a button with me. My hubby seems to never kiss me anymore & it bothers me, a lot. How do you work with that?
We love kissing and do it alot! When I was reading this to hubby today, he said, “that’s not much of a challenge, because we do that already!” So later when we were in the kitchen fixing dinner, he said “look at your watch and let’s do the challenge”. By the time we came up for air, 30 seconds had passed! 🙂 Thanks for this, it’s something we look forward to reading together each day!
I just wanted to say that I appreciate your posts! I am a wife who is struggling in this area of my marriage, and this is really helpful.
Thanks for the encouragement, Allison!
I had the same question as Melanie – thanks for answering it! We juts don’t seem to kiss anymore unless it’s a means to that end. But I miss just kissing…
Great post. Practical and helpful. I enjoyed reading the comments, and your responses. For a hubby to not “want more,” and for me to not care that he does is a miracle that I am anxiously awaiting. Satan is good at lying. My husband is supposed to want more. And so am I. And with that, I’m off to do a little smooching.
I fell upon this series just today and I have read the first four in the series and number 10. Every one of these posts has made me cry. Sex is a huge issue in our marriage. Thankfully, it’s our only issue but it’s huge and I hate it so much. I don’t want to do any of these things that have been suggested, I just don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. When am I supposed to kiss my husband randomly? When he gets home, it’s crunch time to get the kids into bed and I can’t kiss him until he thoroughly brushes his teeth because I have celiac disease and he eats gluten at work. On top of that, I don’t chew gum or use breath mints because they are so unhealthy and it does make me self conscious. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, by the time he gets home….I just do NOT want to be touched any more. I am touched all day long in so many ways and I am spent by the time he walks through the door. 🙁
I absolutely mean this in a positive way, but I know how the internet is, so please know I mean this nicely and not rudely. 🙂
How about in the morning as soon as he’s brushed his teeth? Make time for just him before the kids are around and wild. Talk to him openly and honestly; if you’re really interested in trying, he will work with you to make your sexual relationship better for you both. I read your later post on the flirting so I know this seems to be an issue. It doesn’t just have to be about sex, but we all need intimacy and affection.
Our relationship really struggled with sexual issues. My DH didn’t feel like I wanted him. I felt like I did and I was showing him, but I wasn’t doing it in a way that worked for him. It was all about communication (and patience, because talking about sex is hard and scary sometimes) and then making it work. Even with kids, you have to make time for each other, and that’s hard too.
My biggest hurdle was being honest with myself and realizing what I wasn’t doing and how my attitude was affecting the process. I thought I was doing everything that I could, but I really wasn’t. To make my relationship whole, and in the process myself and husband happier, I had to come to terms that I had to give too. I had to make time for intimacy and my husband.
I really hope that you are finding ways to work on this because it’s obvious that you are really frustrated. Keep praying Jessica.
What movies were the clips from the kissing video from?
I’m not sure of all of them. I see Romeo & Juliet, Lord of the Rings Return of the King, Pride & Prejudice (BBC version), Shakespeare in Love, Spiderman, Pirates of the Caribbean, Moulin Rouge, and then others I don’t know!
So I’m a little surprised that nobody brought up hygien! My hubby doesn’t brush or shower often. And he tends to have bad breath! Lip lock for 15 seconds??? Uhhh probably not! Im still very attracted to him but my sence of smell is very strong! We do kiss passionately sometimes and I love it! But the not brushing is a huge hurdle.
Well, we love kissing, so this was a fun one. I set the timer, and off we went. We had been kissing a while and I was thinking, “Man, she was right! 15 sec. really DOES feel like a long time!” So then I peeked and realized I never hit “start”! So then we tried it again, this time I did hit start, and man o man, that 15 secs FLEW by! Now, we’ve been trying to kiss for at least 15 seconds every time we kiss! Talk about libido!!!!!!!! 😀
I do have one question: My hubby has recently begun growing facial hair, and I have to say, the mustache is quite a distraction! I just can’t stand it when those sharp hairs end up stabbing my lip or up in my nose! Any suggestions???
I have heard that using hair conditioner on beards & moustaches can help a lot in softening it and reducing prickliness 🙂
I stumbled upon your website while I was looking for marriage help. I have been married for 25 years and have really struggled with sex due to past abuses. I did not have any problem with coming up with 5 things I liked about myself but have really struggled with the kissing. I feel guilty saying this, but I don’t love kissing. Maybe I used to, but I don’t remember ever liking it. It was something forced upon me. My husband is a chewer and drinker and sometimes his kisses are gross. I feel trapped – I was to learn to please him but I feel at a wall here. Thanks so much for this blog. I just ordered your book so maybe you’ll deal with it more there.
He just went to bed but since this is something I found so awesome I think I will go give him a little extra kiss goodnight!!
I’ve been following your posts for about 4 days and recently tried your kissing experiment and I don’t know I thought my husband would be more excited and into it and I felt like he just sat there. He didn’t try to caress me really and it just didn’t seem like he was into it which kind of bummed me out. Then on top of all that he says that he can’t kiss me for long periods of time cause his lips get chapped I don’t understand why it didn’t happen the last how many years we’ve been married and dated I mean he’s never complained about that before :/
Darcee, I’m sorry that it didn’t work well for you! Can you tell him that it’s important to you? And explain why? And maybe buy him some chapstick? 🙂 I wonder if guys really realized how much kissing meant to a woman, if perhaps they’d put in more effort. Why don’t you read this post with him, and watch the little video clips, and say, “wouldn’t you like to be passionate like that with me?” If he won’t, then perhaps a long conversation really is in order!
My question is, what about when one spouse honest to goodness doesn’t like kissing? I like the concept, but kissing is more of a ‘chore’ than sex! Is there any way to make it better? I still kiss my hubby, but he knows I don’t enjoy it and it is just my way of saying “I really, really want you to know I love you”.
Did you ever get a reply to this? I love my husband, but hate kissing. I didn’t use to but since early on in our marriage I just haven’t liked it at all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know how to change it. And I know it would help our sex life, which is struggling.
Sheila, thanks for this website, I’m feeling now encouraged about marriage and sex than I have in a long time.
Oh, I’m glad, Marie!
I love kissing, but my husband prefers to save up anything more than a peck for when we have sex. I’ve tried telling him how much I miss kissing and that I need more of it. My libido is so much higher than his and it is a struggle for us. I think that if we had more smaller acts of passion, it would help me as I wait until the next time we have sex.
Tonight we tried the 15 second kiss and it was so nice and a great way to connect after putting the kids to bed. I asked him if he enjoyed it and unfortunately he said something along the line of, “I guess it was fine, but you know I don’t like kissing outside of sex.” It crushes me when I tell him over and over how much I need him to show me he wants me and he seems so uninterested in meeting me where I am. Sex is mind blowing when we have it once or twice a week (I would prefer once or twice a day!), but I wish I didn’t have to sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting to feel that passion until it was time to have sex.
Any advice for when your partner doesn’t want to kiss you? I’m not sure how else to tell him considering I’ve been fairly blunt about it several times. I hate to be a nag, but it makes me so sad. He used to love kissing when we were younger, but now he doesn’t like giving me even 15 seconds of his day.