24 Comments

1. Kelly on February 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

   YAY FOR BABIES! I think it’s awesome a new life has been created!!

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2. Sheila on February 26, 2012 at 2:20 pm

   Congrats on the baby. This journey has brought enormous intimacy to our nearly 28 yrs of marriage we will celebrate in March! Thanks for the awesome daily posts! I can’t wait for my kindle download on Tuesday. Gonna read all day long!
   God bless and good luck this week with this awesome release!!

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3. cassie l on February 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm

   I am so excited this is going to be available on Kindle. I am going to have to seriously think about figuring out how to buy it now!

   And I agree – how wonderful that a new life has been created!

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4. Meagan on February 26, 2012 at 5:40 pm

   I was so hurt before and during I learned that men need to express love that way, yet I allowed the act and now it is no longer an act of love but of deep emotional pain that nothing seems to fix. Each time I try new eyes and allow the act trying to not block my emotions, it deepens the pain and disgust of the act when conflict comes up the next day or two. just the word sex brings so much pain and I don’t know how to heal it. It feels like each time I do it, it brings worse pain– opposite of what the goal and what all these Christian marriage blogs say it will do. I’ve got a wonderful relationship w God…. I don’t know if it can ever heal

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   • Sheila on February 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm

     Oh, Meagan, I’m so sorry you feel this way. It really sounds like you need to talk to someone in real life, and not just read blogs, because you obviously have some deep seated hurts. Can I recommend that you find a counsellor or a mentor who will walk you through this, and who will help you to see that sex is a beautiful thing? Remember, you CAN counteract those thoughts that come into your head. You don’t need to believe them. You can choose to reject them. If a thought comes in saying “sex just causes me pain”, or “sex is ugly”, you can take that thought, examine it, look at it, and then reject it, saying instead, “God made sex for me to feel intimate with my husband.” “God made sex to be beautiful.” Or “isn’t it wonderful that we can be thoroughly joined and thoroughly together?”

     You don’t need to entertain the negative thoughts–you really can reject them and fill your mind with truth instead. Pray about this directly with God and ask Him to give you His eyes about sex. But I’d also really recommend talking to someone in real life who can help you through this.

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     • Mark on March 30, 2016 at 9:51 pm

       Well said. Often we forget that we have a high degree of power over what we think and allow ourselves to believe. Consciously choosing to reject emotions and thoughts that we know are wrong is good advice.

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5. leigh on February 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm

   I think that’s the biggest problem in our marriage – I literally cannot talk to him about sex, In any way. He shuts down completely – won’t speak, won’t look at me, won’t respond to me at all. He’ll wait a beat, then change the subject, or say he has to check his email, or whatever. And then he’s grumpy and irritable for a few days.

   Sex is one of a few subjects we are not allowed to talk about. When he shuts down, and then is grumpy for days, that’s my queue that the topic is off limits.

   He is emotionally rather selfish – certainly sexually selfish- and absolutely will NOT confront any problem in any way. As long as I keep the “happy mask” on, we’re fine. If I am unhappy about anything (whether its related to the marriage or not, really, it could be a bad day at work), he shuts down and avoids me.

   Most of the time, I feel like his mommy. Occasionally I am his sexual aid. I’m never a woman, a wife, a partner.

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   • Sheila on February 26, 2012 at 7:55 pm

     Wow, Leigh, I’m really sorry about that. Can you find things that you do well together–any hobbies, sports, anything where you can just laugh and talk and it’s lower stress? Can you find ways to work to your strengths as a couple? I find that when people can spend more time in the areas where they connect, they build goodwill, and then it’s easier to talk about some of the other things.

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   • Jennifer on May 26, 2017 at 12:37 am

     I am always the one initiating sex, but my husband shuts me down every time. He’ll tease me and talk about it during the day and rub on me then night comes and he always has an excuse not to and then gets mad at me. When we do it’s during the night when we’re sleeping and he’ll start rubbing on me and there we go. It’s always a quickie and I’m always on top. I know he’s not cheating because he’s always here. I’ve been so confused about this for 15 years now. Used to we would do it more and longer but I always had to ask for it ,and I could count on one hand how many times he’s went downtown! We’ve been together for 16 years and married for 15. I really wish I knew why he is like this

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6. psych_girl on February 26, 2012 at 7:46 pm

   Thank you so much for writing this series! My husband and I are just starting to re-connect with each other sexually. Last year was a long hard year, and I was pregnant besides. Sex was the absolute LAST thing I wanted! This last month my hubby has been so much happier, and I have to admit so have I! I always thought “Oh sex is just something that HE needs, I can do fine without it”. So not true. I need it too! We have connected in amazing ways, in and out of the bedroom and I am so excited to have my old husband back! We both desperately needed this series, thank you so much Sheila! May God bless you as you have blessed so many! 🙂

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   • Sheila on February 26, 2012 at 7:55 pm

     That’s awesome! I love that comment–that you’ve realized that it’s not just for him, but for both of you together! I’m going to be talking more about that tomorrow, and maybe I’ll use this comment as a tie in!

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7. FringeFiles on February 27, 2012 at 10:48 am

   Thank you for this wonderful series. I discovered you on Pinterest half way through and have been really blessed by your blog. And, yes, after the first day I pre-ordered your book. Thank you for tackling these very difficult and much needed conversations on sex in marriage. I am finding them to be a great resource and something I feel very comfortable in sharing this blog with other girlfriends who I believe will be blessed by the same information I’ve found. So, thank you from Texas!

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   • Sheila on February 27, 2012 at 10:57 am

     You’re so welcome! A bunch of people have come here from Pinterest (I love Pinterest 🙂 ). And I’m glad that this has been a blessing to you. And please, spread the word!

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8. Katie on June 3, 2012 at 8:56 pm

   I’m noticing I tend to comment a lot/ask a lot of questions. I hope that’s okay. I LOVE your blog. It’s so great to have a Christian perspective on sex.

   I keep noticing throughout the 29 days (I’m just reading it right now. My hubby and I plan to go through it when things settle down in a few weeks) you go back to the “Spend 15 min. on each other” point, and the more I think about it, the less I seem to get it. I mean, it seems awkward to have him randomly rubbing on parts of me. What’s so sexy about him touching my leg or something? We haven’t been married long, and have a fairly decent sex life despite my inability to orgasm, but I guess we don’t have too much adventure right now. A few positions, but nothing that flipped our switches.

   I think what I’m trying to say is I’m having trouble visualizing how you could touch and kiss someone for 15 minutes and not just use the sexiest parts (if you get my meaning).

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   • Danielle on July 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm

     Hi Katie,
     I hope you dont mind me responding to your post but I felt I could offer some insight. Using that 15 mins is a chance for you to still your thoughts on everything and anything outside your husband. (Allt he days cares so to speak)You are able to kiss, touch, caress, gently scratch your nails, trace your fingertips up and down your husband. Anywhere, in any way you choose. It also allows him the liberty to explore your body and perhaps find “Sweet Spots” you didnt know you had. For example, the back of your neck, between your shoulder blades, etc. When I’ve done this with my Sweets, I have taken the moment to really listen to him. He may not be saying anything “verbally” but his breathing, his body, perhaps squirming a little or when I know it’s really good, he gets chillbumps. Probably TMI and I apologize if I’ve crossed the line, but I know that this has helped me to be comfy in submitting to not only my Sweets’ desires to explore my body as his wonderland but it’s given me the encourage to embrace the beauty of my body as God intended. Anyways, I hope you give it some thought and open yourself up to the pleasures that you can evoke and can be evoked by your hubbie.

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9. Erica on July 21, 2012 at 4:14 am

   I’ve been reading through most of the posts on the 29 days to great sex and I have to admit I feel more lost and alone than ever. I’ve been married for 10 years. I absolutely detest how I look. The only feature on my body that I can even maybe like is my teeth. I will not let my husband see me naked. I get dressed and undressed in the bathroom with the door locked. The thought of my husband seeing me in all my ugliness makes me sick to my stomach. I even sometimes pray that God would let me die in a car accident so that my husband can get remarried to someone he deserves. I feel like I’m a punishment for him. I’ve noticed that if he gives me compliments I immediately think he’s lying, but if he puts me down in any way I will take it to heart and never ever forget what he said. My husband works crazy hours. He’s usually up for work at 3:30am and doesn’t get done until 7 or 8pm. Then he usually puts the kids to bed and then falls asleep around 8:30. He’s too tired to think about sex until Saturday or Sunday evening after he’s rested a bit from the weekend. When he is interested I feel like it’s not because he wants to be intimate with me, but rather he just needs a “release” and I’m a good vessel to help him out with that. I so wish I could follow the steps you’ve laid out, but am afraid it’s just not in the cards for me.

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10. Sophia on September 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    It’s really hard when you’re not totally “in love” with your spouse and you’re not sexually compatible with him. Eg Mine likes stuff that many people would consider deviant (as do I). I think it’s because of something that happened to him early in his life, but he gets aroused by things that gross me out. It’s so hard for me.

    How do I correct this wrong idea in him? Anyone know? I just do not know how my love can change this or get him to change his sexual deviancy on it. I dislike it, we have a sort of boundary, but I just want and long for our love-making to be beautiful, and tender, and give and take, but I so wish we were more compatible sexually.

    (edited by Sheila)

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11. Chelsea on February 23, 2014 at 1:13 am

    Hi. I just found these articles and had to comment. My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and we have twins with another baby on the way. We have had sexual problems pretty much our entire relationship bc he wants it all the time (every day at least once) and I don’t. We get into fights over it all the time and he has cheated more times than I care to think about. For the last two months though, he has made a point to not cheat or flirt with others. He asks me to be loving, flirtatious, kinky, and sexual. I have been a lot better on the loving/affetionate part, but being 8 months pregnant it is very hard for me to be the others… Is there a way to reassure him that I do want him without sex? ( sex is very painful right now because of sciatica and some bladder issues and oral sex is pretty much out because I still get sick all the time)

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12. Lori Lankford on July 9, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    This Article is just what I needed to hear. I read it to my husband and I hope he heard it. We have been married 5 years, and we are both guilty of old patterns. I am going to do this for me, because I deserve to be happy.
    Thank u

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    • Sheila on July 13, 2014 at 8:55 am

      You’re so welcome! I hope the series helps you.

      Reply
13. Newlywed on September 25, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Would love wisdom from those of you who have been in a similar situation, have been married a while, or otherwise could shed some truth & life into this situation…

    My husband & I married this past summer, me as a virgin & him with a lot of sexual baggage. This haunts me in our marriage. He’s an incredible man of God now who chose wrong decisions in several situations prior to our relationship. Now, I don’t see sex (what I’ve waited to share with my best friend/husband me entire life) as a gift. Instead, I’m left feeling like something has been stolen or lost many times after sex. He didn’t use discretion in the past, so the enemy plagues my mind & thoughts with recollections of that. Therefore, leaving me feeling objectified, used, & sometimes dirty. I’m left wondering how in the world to take back what was stolen from me & given to so many other girls. How do I take captive the enemy’s voice that says, “he’s not been selective in the past, why should you feel like you’re a prize? He slept with each of his girlfriends, gave in to sexual desires & temptations, had a one-night stand. You’re not even what he longs for, you’re just a guilt-free means to an end that he’s chosen to make himself satisfied with because you now have entered into a covenant marriage together?”

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    • Sheila on September 25, 2014 at 12:14 pm

      Hi there! I know that’s really, really rough, and I know that getting those images out of your head is so tough. But you have to fight against it, because ultimately he chose you. I wrote a longer post about getting over your husband’s sexual baggage here, and I hope it helps!

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14. Yaz M. on March 15, 2017 at 10:08 am

    Well, I came across your blog during a fight after a tiff with my husband about sex! The tables are turned in our relationship… I want sex daily, he seems be fine with it once a week!! We both have a great relationship with the Lord and He is certainly is in the center. Ever since the beginning I’ve felt insecure while having sex… I’ve tried to initiate only to be rejected (he couldn’t get aroused)? so needless to say I have never in the past 2 years initiated again !!! I just wait and hope that”tonight’s the night”!? Unfortunately this has caused resentment to build up and the inability to even reach orgasm because of that resentment. He is sexually selfish I have told them things I like and he does not do them. I refused to self gratify because I want to honor God and I believe that God is going to heal this area and our relationship. This may be a godsend I’m going to get the book period period period however I am in horror of even asking him to join me at reading it. Please pray for my marriage

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    • Sheila Wray Gregoire on March 15, 2017 at 2:56 pm

      I certainly will, Yaz! And I do hope that the book helps you. What a difficult time you’re having, but couples can get through this!

      Reply