If you’ve been joining me for this 29 Days to Great Sex series, leading up to the release of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (UPDATE: available NOW!), you’ll know that I firmly believe that sex begins in the brain: when you have the right attitude, your body will tend to follow (as long as you understand how to make it feel good!). If you don’t have the right attitude, sex will seem like a chore.
And I’ve also been saying that sex is a beautiful way to feel close to each other (more on that later in this series).
Today I want to continue our discussion of how to make sex something that unites you, rather than something that drives a wedge between you. And so let’s talk about an issue that I’ve touched on a number of times in this series:
What really matters in a marriage is not so much the frequency of sex (though that is important) as the enthusiasm and the passion.
So much of a man’s self-esteem especially is tied into whether or not his wife desires him sexually.
It’s not just that she’ll acquiesce to have sex with him; it’s that she actually wants to. And, in fact, if a woman decides to placate her husband and “lie there and think of England”, so to speak, he’ll experience that as rejection, even though she’s “letting him”. And for many men, that actually leads to erectile dysfunction. They have a difficult time “completing the deed” if they feel like she isn’t really there for it.
Now, women who are married to men who don’t have very high sex drives have problems in this area, too, though it often manifests itself in slightly different ways.
But the message to take home is this: your spouse needs to feel like you actually desire and want sex, and not just that you are willing to go through the motions.
In fact, many women (and I’m going to talk about women here, because the opposite isn’t quite true since men can’t do the deed if they’re not interested) complain that when they start “letting” him make love more frequently, he gets even more demanding. So they just give up. They think, “I’ll never satisfy him, so why bother?” But the problem is that you haven’t met his basic need, which is to feel desired. In fact, if you just lie there and don’t really participate, you’ve reinforced the idea that you don’t enjoy sex and really don’t want to do it. That’s going to cause him to desperately want to make sure that you do desire him, and so he will actually become more urgent about wanting sex. His most basic need, you see, is not to actually have sex. It’s to feel as if he’s wanted.
At this point some women are just about ready to give up. So it’s not enough that I have sex? You ask. I actually have to want it? How can I force myself to want it?
Allow me to give you an idea: Initiate it. Really. You be the one to give him a big kiss and say, “let’s go upstairs.” Take him by the hand after you watch a movie together and lead him to the bedroom. You start the whole process, rather than waiting to see if he’s “going to want to tonight”. What’s in it for you, you ask? Here are just a few benefits:
1. If you initiate, you control more what you do
We talked earlier about how important angle and foreplay is to women. If you initiate, you can take more care that you get the right position and the attention you need.
Also, if you’re uncomfortable about certain things (or even uncomfortable about certain parts of your body), then you can steer things in a more comfortable direction for you.
2. If you initiate, you throw yourself into it more
You’re automatically more active, and that often means that your body will follow more readily because your mind is more engaged.
3. You create a goodwill circle
When you initiate, you show your spouse that you really love do desire him. That makes him feel better about you and about the relationship, and is going to make both of you feel closer to each other
In a marriage, if one person is doing all the initiating, you have a problem.
That person, whether male or female, will feel as if the other spouse doesn’t really desire that kind of intimacy, and that’s a very lonely feeling.
If you know you’re likely going to make love anyway tonight, why not make the extra effort–and it really takes so little effort–to be the one to suggest it, or to try to seduce your spouse? When it’s a two-way street, you each feel desired, you each feel loved, and you each feel close to one another. When one is always doing the asking, it’s a little humiliating. You feel as if your spouse doesn’t really love you or value being close to you. You feel as if you’re constantly begging. And eventually, what some survey respondents told me, is that they stop asking, and sex comes to a standstill.
If you have sexual issues where you just feel badly about sex, then tackle them! Don’t put up with them, because that is not God’s will for you. God wants you to feel pleasure, and He wants you to feel deep intimacy with your spouse. Start cultivating a positive attitude about sex. Tell yourself the truth, and don’t believe the lies.
And then take a deep breath, take your spouse’s hand, and say, “let’s do it!” That one little change can make such a tremendous difference in your marriage.
Great Sex Challenge 24: Initiate!
If you’re working through this series together, as a couple, have an honest talk about who tends to initiate, and talk about how that makes each of you feel. Then commit, together, to both trying to make the other feel desired and loved. And here’s a fun game: talk through some great ideas on “how would you best like me to initiate sex? What would be fun for you?” See how many you can each come up with! If you’re working through this alone, and you’re the one who doesn’t initiate very often, then go for it tonight! Go up to him and say, “Hey, baby, I want you NOW!” And see what response you get!
Tomorrow: Sex with Kids in the House
Sheila is the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which has a chapter on initiation–how to get yourself in the mood when you don’t feel like it, and the benefits of jumping in, for both of you.
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook!
Introducing the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)
It’s expanded, it’s written for couples (not just women), and it’s easy to use! 31 Days will help boost your emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, and physical intimacy. You’ll talk, flirt, and explore!
Ignite your marriage!
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Understanding Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Plus you’ll learn about keeping the bedroom inviting, moving in the right direction, when (and if) you should consider scheduling sex, and more!