How often should a married couple make love?
We’re in the home stretch of our 29 Days to Great Sex, leading up to the release of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Update: It’s available now!). Over the last few days I’ve been looking at some of the more contentious issues: how do you decide what’s okay to do in bed? And what do you do if one of you is more adventurous than the other?
Today I want to turn to another issue of contention: How frequently should you be making love?
Let me tell you about my journey when I was writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I conducted two surveys of over 1000 women each, looking into all kinds of questions, including how much they enjoyed sex, how often they had sex, and how sex had improved since they got married. I was only planning on interviewing women, but I wanted to know: how often do married couples make love?
But then I started to analyze the results, and they really worried me. Most of it was stuff that I had expected. What floored me was that 40% of women reported making love less than once a week.
So I decided that I had better survey some guys, too, to find out how they felt about this. And the results weren’t pretty.
You’re going to have to buy the book to learn what they were–I’ve got it divided into age group, and religion, and years married, and everything–but suffice it to say that there are a lot of rather miserable men. Many women are quite miserable, too, since about 25% of women reported that their husbands rarely wanted to make love, which made them feel very undesirable. After this series is over, I’m going to talk more to those women about what they can do.
For today I want to talk to you women who just find sex a chore.
Sex connects us on three levels: physical, spiritual, and emotional. We’ve dealt with the physical. We’ll talk more about the spiritual in a few days. But it’s the emotional that I’m concerned with today, because making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don’t make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite. That may not seem fair, because you may think: why does everything have to do with sex? Why can’t he just love me for who I am? But men were created to feel affirmation through sex. When we don’t want them, they feel as if they aren’t loved, either, even if that’s not what we intend.
I truly do not believe that we women understand how devastating it is to men to be constantly turned down by their wives.
Over and over again, I heard men say, “I get rejected so often that I’ve just stopped asking. It’s humiliating.”
What if you’re the one with the higher sex drive, and your HUSBAND doesn’t want sex? I’ve got a series on that here. But in 31 Days to Great Sex, the book, I also have a lot of exercises to help you discuss libido issues and to help him hear your pain: that you want more intimacy and more sex in your marriage. Check out the book now.
If you feel like he demands sex too much, you can get mad at him and say that he should just grow up and not need it so much, but then you’re imposing your views on him. You’re asking him to change, but you’re not willing to change. And you know something, girls? Like I said in the video, it really doesn’t take much. Just decide to jump in! It doesn’t have to take two hours. It likely will only take 15 or 20 minutes. And if you put your mind to it, your body will likely follow.
So how much sex is enough in marriage?
I would say at least twice a week, if I were forced to pick a number.
But for some couples, especially when they’re younger, more would probably be good. 🙂 And the happiest couples I found were those who were making love 3-4 times a week. When you connect like that, it has repercussions on how you feel about each other.
Maybe we should stop asking how often should we make love, because that sounds more like “what’s the minimum amount of sex I can get away with?”, and start asking, “how can I get in the right frame of mind so I can show my husband how much I love him?“. Make the second into a habit, and I guarantee your marriage will get better!
Making love tells a spouse: I value you. I love you. I desire you. I accept you. When you don’t make love, it’s as if you’re saying the opposite.
If you’re still struggling with this, then The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex was written just for you! There’s a whole chapter on the benefits of increasing the frequency of sex, without laying guilt on you. And it’s pretty funny, too! It’s got stories of chocolate truffles, weight loss dares, sex flowers, and more!
Great Sex Challenge 22: Jump In!
Don’t think about it. Don’t overanalyze it. Don’t wonder if you’re going to enjoy it tonight, or going to orgasm tonight, or going to get enough sleep tonight. Just do it! Ready? 1-2-3!
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!
Longing to spice things up?
Coming up next in the series: Quickies are Great!, Initiate Baby! and Sex after the Kids Come
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough? (This one!)
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
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