How do you decide your sexual boundaries?
In any marriage, one spouse is going to feel more adventurous in the bedroom than the other.
We’ve been working through the 29 Days to Great Sex, leading up to the release of my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (update: available now!). Last week we were concentrating primarily on how to create those fireworks–how to make it feel as wonderful as it was meant to (and one commenter actually reported that she and her husband broke the bedframe 🙂 ).
But as we’re starting to spice things up, it’s important to ask:
How do you decide what’s okay to do and what’s not?
Over the last few years, the vast majority of anonymous questions I’ve received have been about that sort of thing: my husband (or my wife) wants to try something in bed, and I’m not comfortable with it. What do I do?
In many marriages, one spouse is more adventurous than the other. That’s only natural. How you negotiate, though, can be tricky. Today’s challenge takes us through how to make those decisions.
However,
This content is exclusive to 31 Days to Great Sex, the book.
Part of the 29 Days to Great Sex series has been removed from the web, but it’s all available in 31 Days to Great Sex–which is only $4.99 in its e-book format!
Feeling sexually disconnected?
Like you've lost your groove?
Like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage?
31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what's gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!
Coming up next: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up, Quickies are Great, and How Often if Enough?
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex) (This one!)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
You have covered such a huge range of issues in such a great way. I love how you said “So be careful that you always experience sex, first and foremost, as a way to say “I love you”, and not just as a way to get selfish fantasies met.” That is so important.
I think it’s not difficult to understand how sex connect people on an emotional and physical levels. But how can married couples connect to each other spiritually during sex? Is it just the “one flesh” idea? Is there anything couples should make sure to do or to focus on in order to achieve that spiritual connection?
Sylvia, that’s going to be a big post coming up soon! So stay tuned. It’s just a long answer and I can’t type it all in the comments.
Dare yourself…. you could be surprised! My husband always wished I’d inititate sex more, so when I stepped out of my comfort zone and did it, we were both pleasantly surprised! Now it’s easy…
thanks again Sheila, another great post!
Our whole body is for sex? Really? Somehow I think too much importance is being placed on sex and the body. What I mean is this: Our need to eat is way more often and important than sex, yet our whole body isn’t needed for us to be able to eat. All we need to eat is a mouth and a digestive system and maybe a hand. Our other body parts are present while we eat, but are not necessary for us to eat. In the same way, I do not believe that the whole body is for sex. Our other parts are there because they have to be, but that doesn’t mean that every part should be used for sexual acts–like oral sex. That’s just nasty.
Obviously I’m coming very late to this discussion, but I’d like to respond to a few of your points.
Yes, to complete the mechanics of eating, you only “need” an intake point, a digestive tract, a waste ejection point, and the means to move food to the intake point. Earthworms have this and very little else. They also live in the dark and eat dirt.
But God blessed us with a great deal more than that: the ability to taste and savor our food; imagination and creativity to put different combinations and types of food and spices together; eyes to enjoy a beautiful presentation; different textures, flavors, different food in different seasons… I could go on, but you get the idea. And the food we take in blesses our ENTIRE body, nourishing our physical muscles, synapses and processes. It also serves to bond people socially, and is frequently a component of religious observance as well. The key is to honor God in whatever we do, whether eating, working, or yes, having sex with our spouse. Holy-minded people can differ on what that entails, and that’s fine. Personally, I can sometimes feel God’s approval when I’m at my wildest in bed, because my husband and I enjoy a Biblical marriage free of the influences of porn and adultery. I believe it pleases God for me to pour out love on my husband with a whole heart AND a whole body, as this is how we are called to love God, and our marriages are meant to be a reflection of our relationship with Him. But do you. I wish you and your husband both a great deal of happiness from it!
Jenni- Refusing your spouses reasonable sexual desires open up a door for Satan to turn his heart. When your spouse commits to be sexually faithful to you, your commitment in return is to be wholly available to him. If he desires oral sex as a part of your love life, you should prayerfully pursue a means to meet his desires. If he demands it of you, then his heart motives are wrong. But if he has patiently and lovingly expressed that desire, and you are disregarding him, then you are sinning by denying him the whole fulfillment that is his right in marriage.
I beg to differ sir.
If she isn’t comfortable with it then he should understand that. It is NOT A SIN to deny oral sex to your spouse if you are not comfortable with it. Now if she were to deny him regular sex and I mean the regular kind of intercourse on a regular basis THAT is the sin that the bible talks about. What the bible talks about is fulfilling each others NEED to feel loved and desired so as to not be tempted for our lack of control. That need is met in other ways. What we DO though in our sex life in marriage is still supposed to mutual. If she is uncomfortable with it no matter how long or patiently he asks if she isn’t comfortable with it it’s not a ‘sin’ as long as his need to feel loved is being met in other ways. If he has to have oral sex to feel loved there is something wrong there and there’s a deeper issue that needs to be resolved on his part. Maybe he had an addiction with porn maybe for instance.
A wife should never have to give in to sexual fantasies to her husband that was accumulated from things like that. It’s downgrading and disgusting.
Personally, I told my husband in the very beginning when he was making a “joke”. I will never do that to you and I never expect you to do that to me. Ever. I agree with Jenni. It’s just GROSS!!!! More power to the people if they like to. That’s their business. But telling someone it’s a sin to deny there spouse certain acts that they are not comfortable with that isn’t vaginal is just wrong.
I don’t agree with people telling people they are sinning for denying certain acts of sex. Because it’s NOT.
What is a SIN is denying on a regular basis VAGINAL intercourse. Which connects you as ONE.
I would completely agree. Just make the things that you are comfortable with as fun as possible! That doesn’t mean you have to do everything under the sun.
Thank you, Sheila for your support on the last comment. I hate when people place unreasonable expectations on others and consider it “their marital duty”. It’s so sad. And, I take this position as a man. I mean, the whole topic of oral sex is so controversial as it is — and porn has made it that much MORE confusing. I used to have a habit with porn that thankfully, the Lord has dealt with. I am in a place now where I am renewing my mind. But I must admit that my desires have probably been strongly influenced by porn, so I have some serious reservations about certain acts. If it wasn’t for porn, I don’t think I would have ever considered OS as something even desirable, no less normal. There are some in the christian community that would argue that if you have a DESIRE for something, then it must be normal. Hogwash! There are plenty of things — and perversions — that we desire as human beings. Doesn’t mean they are right or Godly. So, as I struggle through trying to figure this all out, I only pray that my attitude and actions will be pleasing to the Lord. I think the only way that I would even CONSIDER OS is if it is something that my spouse wanted.
The bible repeatedly commands us NOT to indulge in Sensuality. Our present culture and society are beyond God’s boundaries. Our bodies are meant to be holy temples for God not for lusts and fantasies.
Actually, there’s nothing wrong with sensuality. In fact, there’s a whole book of the Bible devoted to it–the Song of Solomon! Lust is wrong; healthy sexual desire is very much a part of God’s plan. Sex can definitely be hot and holy at the same time, and when we separate the two, we often make the mistake of stripping passion out of spiritual life, too.
I am confused since the bible states Sensuality is sin so how can we be hot and holy at he same time? thanks
Sensuality is not a bad thing, and the Bible never says it is a bad thing. Sexual immorality is a bad thing, but the Bible is very clear that passion and sex are good things (see 1 Corinthians 7 or Song of Solomon, for example). The world has made it sound like God hates sex, but nothing is further from the truth!
I love your website and blog…just stumbled on it today. I love having sex with my husband, but 99% of the time he has to tell a story involving other people having sex with us, sometimes people we don’t know and sometimes an acquaintance we ran across or sometimes even a friend. He has even asked me to tell him stories as we have sex. To me this is inviting them into our marriage bed and I am very uncomfortable doing so. I have expressed to him that I just don’t have the imagination to think of stories, but in reality my heart is breaking because obviously I am not enough for him. He also has a problem with pornography. He is a christian, but this is one area he is not willing to surrender. I pray for him…what else can I do?
Jo, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! This is actually quite common, caused because we have come to see sex as something purely physical, and we need that “otherness” to feel sexy. The idea of sex only with your spouse isn’t arousing anymore because of our pornographic culture.
However, it is wrong, and it isn’t real intimacy. I’d really encourage you to get a hold of my ebook based on this series, called the 31 Days to Great Sex, which takes couples step by step through how to build a sex life which is intimate and fun physically yes, but which is also focused on spiritual and emotional intimacy. It isn’t only about the physical; it’s about feeling like you’re one. Perhaps if you talked to him about it, and suggested it?
It also has quite a bit about porn, and working through it may help open up the conversation so that he sees that it’s wrong. If he is using porn right now, I’d read this post and this post about what to do about that.
Blessings!
Thank you Sheila, I appreciate you getting back to me 🙂
I’ll do as you recommend.
God bless your ministry…it is so very needed!
Great article. Unfortunately in our society so many people get caught in either porn, affairs, or other non-good (can I say that?) things that makes the innocent person question everything. I have been asked so many times if I learned that in one of the books I read, or from porn, or from somewhere else. it is hard to convince your spouse that I thought about it when I was thinking of you!
I just hope and pray that someday before i die that we will once again have a sex life that is free from the mental restrictions, and full of the spirit filled passion.
What do you do though when your husband believes he needs oral sex and the wife is rejecting him, or not accepting him or truly loving him if she doesn’t want to do it whenever he wants it, which is quite often??
I would start by checking his phone and computer for porn. It sounds like he may have trained his body to get off on oral instead of vaginal, or on the fantasy of oral.
I would also look into counseling, because if he really feels this way, he needs it. If it’s really that he’s just built up this feeling/fantasy that oral is better and is using the “love” argument to manipulate and guilt-trip you, counseling will help you see his manipulations for what they are and respond in a healthy way.