It’s “foreplay ideas” day here on Day 18 of the 29 Days to Great Sex!
We’re going to look at how to make foreplay fun for both of you–because sex in marriage should be awesome.
All month we’re looking at strategies to make the physical side of your marriage much more enjoyable and less stressful for both of you. It’s all leading up to the release of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (now available)!
I hope you’ve been enjoying these challenges. We started out looking at how our attitudes affect sex, then working on our friendship, and now working on how physically to get it right. Over the next few days we’ll start asking some questions about what’s okay and what’s not, and how to make those kinds of decisions.
But first we have to address foreplay one more time–and specifically, how ideas to make foreplay fun for both of you, because to often it seems one-sided.
I’ve had a number of emails from women saying something like:
My husband really doesn’t “get” foreplay. He thinks foreplay is “just for me”, while sex is for “both of us”, and so if I want foreplay I’m being selfish, and I should do what’s best for “both of us”. He doesn’t understand that I can’t really enjoy intercourse if I don’t warm up first.
That’s extremely common, and the best remedy is to really talk to your husband about it. Wait until you’re both in a good mood, and having fun together, and then just start the conversation. Ask what he wants out of your sex life. Tell him what you want. Tell him that you want to be able to fully enjoy it and feel very passionate, but you can’t get there unless you have some attention first. Most men really enjoy seeing their wife respond and get pleasure, so if you can continue to communicate this, chances are he will want to help.
But part of the reason that we often rush foreplay is that it seems awkward.
We’re lying there, and he’s just touching us, and everybody feels like they’re watching the clock, or secretly saying, “why is this taking so long?” The woman feels as if she’s being judged if she doesn’t get aroused (though it’s hard to get aroused when you feel rushed), and the man is feeling like this is really stupid because we should be getting to the main event.
So here are six foreplay tips so that he can start seeing foreplay as part of “the main event”, when it’s not just about you, but it’s about him, too.
1. Make Foreplay for Him By Letting Him Watch
Men are highly visual, and foreplay can begin with the way that you beckon him upstairs, or get undressed, or crawl into bed. Push him onto the bed and then make him watch as you take off your clothes. I know some of you are very sensitive to how your body looks, but remember that he gets pleasure from it, and your body is the only naked woman’s body he’s allowed to see. So let him see it.
Besides, what’s sexy is often not just how your body looks but what you do with it. Tease him about by taking off your underclothes slowly–or even while you’re leaning over him. Run your hands over your body before you let him touch you. That’s the kind of thing that will get him going! (And remember: a little bit of tasteful lingerie goes a long way!)
One other thought: often the reason that we women like to get into our flannel pyjamas, rush under the covers, and then get undressed under the covers is because the bedroom is SO COLD, especially in winter. That’s certainly the case in Canada, where I’m from! It’s good budgeting to keep the heat in the house down at night. Absolutely. But you might want to tell your husband:
If you want to turn the heat up in the bedroom, you might want to actually TURN THE HEAT UP.
And here’s a simple way to do it that will still help your budget bottom line: Buy a space heater and put it on your side of the bed. Yes, electric heaters are very costly to run. But compared to heating a whole house, they’re nothing. And if you just have to have it on for 15 or 20 minutes while you make love, it’s worth it!
2. Involve Him in Foreplay by Touching Him, Too
Foreplay doesn’t have to just be for you; it can and should also involve you touching him, too. Make foreplay work for both of you by getting his engines running, too! Touch him everywhere, not JUST his genitals. Tease him a bit. And then ask him to show you just how he likes to be touched or stroked. Men tend to like things with a firmer hand than women do, which is why we’re often too soft when we touch the guys, and they’re often too rough with us. Just ask him to guide your hand.
Now, you may not want to touch him the whole time that he’s stimulating you, because he often doesn’t do a very thorough job if he’s that distracted. But doing it a little bit shows that you care about his pleasure, too. And it can also be highly arousing! Touch him and realize the power that you have over him. He wants you. Revel in that.
3. Don’t “Lie There” During Foreplay
It’s often the fact that we’re lying on our backs that can make it seem like we should be rushing. But there’s no reason that you both have to lie that way. In fact, there’s no reason why you have to be in any ONE position for extended periods of time during foreplay. He could sit up, for instance, and then you could sit against him, so you’re both facing the same direction. Then he can still reach around and stimulate various parts of your body, but it psychologically feels different. Many women find this a little more comfortable, too, because he isn’t looking directly at your face.
You should also check out:
4. Rub His Body During Foreplay
He’ll enjoy this one: if you need to be stimulated a certain way, stimulate yourself. But not with your hand. Use his body instead. Find a way to grind against his leg, or even against his penis without him entering you, that feels delicious. This requires a lot of moving on your part, which is what he’ll really enjoy. It makes it seem as if you are eager for his body and as if you are really enjoying it, which will excite him, too. And if you keep changing positions to get an even better angle, then he’s going to get stimulated, too.
You can add some tension to it by grabbing his hands and forcing him onto his back where he has to stay there, and then say something like, “Now, I’m going to use you.” I guarantee there are few guys who wouldn’t appreciate that. Then find ways that work, and forbid him from moving. He’ll feel the sexual tension build, right as you’re really enjoying yourself.
5. Kissing Him is Foreplay, Too!
Don’t forget to kiss him! If you’re kissing, then it won’t seem as if there’s a ticking clock in the background. And you don’t have to just kiss his mouth while he’s touching you. Kiss anything! You can even kiss something innocuous, like his neck or his ears, but try to tease him and drive him crazy like that.
6. Talk–And Tell Him What you Like
Tell him what feels good. Tell him you love him. Comment on what great muscles he has. Remind him of a great time you had last year on your anniversary. Say something sexy! If you’re talking, again you’re showing him that you are enjoying this. You’re into this. You’re excited about participating. And to men, that’s a real turn-on: to know that their wives want to be doing this.
Remember this big foreplay idea: What stimulates a man is often visual and psychological even more than physical.
If you let him watch you, he’ll be excited. And if he feels as if you’re excited, having a good time, and working hard to make this wonderful, then he’ll be excited, too. So foreplay doesn’t have to be just about getting you physically stimulated. It can be about getting you in the mood, but doing it in a way that you reassure your husband that you’re excited about being together. And honestly, if you try at least some of these foreplay tips, sex won’t seem like the main event anymore. It will all seem like it’s part of the whole package!
Great Sex Challenge 18: Put Some Effort Into Foreplay!
Choose at least three of these things and do them during foreplay tonight. And I’d really recommend the one about rubbing against him to stimulate you. First, that way you’re sure that you get what you need; but second, he’ll really enjoy all the action!
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!
Do you yearn to have a more meaningful–and fun–sex life?
Check out my 31 Day challenge that you do with your spouse. Super easy–just read a few pages a night and do what it says. Learn to talk more, flirt more, be more affectionate, spice things up, deal with baggage, and so much more!
No blaming. Just solutions–and a whole lot of fun!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Just reading this blog is foreplay
Then read it together! 🙂 Seriously, I know today’s post is kinda graphic. I hope people are okay with that. I just wanted to give some real answers and tips!
Being a man that really wants to please his wife, do you have the same details foreplay from a women prospective ?
I love your ideas! You are like a mentor who knows everything I need to know, but no one will tell me. I thank God for you.
again well said…. not sure how you could word this post any other way!! 🙂
Reading this to hubby later! He loved yesterdays post, but he could have written it… **blushing**:)
Ha Ha! I agree that just reading these posts gets me in the mood. Unfortunately I have been sick, so we have had to wait a few nights. Hopefully tomorrow we will get to try some of these ideas!
Some guys avoid foreplay “on them” out of fear it will get them too aroused and they won’t be able to last once intercourse starts. Usually this is an unfounded fear, and many men find a bit of contact during foreplay actually helps them last longer. Foreplay for him also adds a great deal to his enjoyment both as it happens and when he climaxes.
I just found your blog through pinterest. I sat here and read through all 18 days. You have answered so many questions that my husband and I have worried, argued (me, cried) over or just tried to ignore. My husband is working tonight, but I sent him a text saying I had an “a-ha” moment because of your posts. I am so excited to share with him the things I have learned. I thank you for being willing to write about something in a religious light and in a way that celebrates sex in marriage as sacred. Many times while reading I laughed out loud or wanted to cry because I felt like the things you were saying came directly from my heart. I have felt so many of these emotions and I admit that I had feelings as you described as feeling like something was ‘wrong’ with me.
Soo.. thank you. I feel like I can actually look forward to this journey with my husband now. I can’t wait for more. Thank you, thank you!
Oh, Jessie, that’s wonderful! What an encouraging comment for me to wake up to this morning! I pray that you and your husband will really be blessed as you read through these together!
Hi, Sheila –
My wife and I recently attended the WTR conference in Niagara Falls, and we both really appreciate the honesty, candor, and integrity that both you and Keith showed as you showed, through the examples of your own lives, how all of the aspects of marriage can truly be ‘life more abundant.’
I think that your posts over the past two days make one thing clear: despite what ‘media’ tells us, knowing how to pleasure our spouse isn’t an innate ability. It takes a lot of listening, paying attention, and a real desire to learn how our spouse likes to be touched. The process is an ongoing one – you don’t just get a certificate, declare that you know it all, and close the textbook.
Also, further to what Paul mentioned above: sometimes, foreplay can cause us guys to not last as long as we’d like, once intercourse begins – but to me, that’s part of the learning. Keep ‘practicing’ with your spouse, and learn together how to experience foreplay, and still enjoy intercourse to its fullest. Most of all, COMMUNICATE! I used to get frustrated when my wife would move my hand, because to me, it meant that I had failed. Well, the only way to ‘fail’ here is to give up trying! I am learning that, when she moves my hand, or tells me how to touch her, that she is allowing herself to be as vulnerable as she possibly could be, because she WANTS me to participate with her, and enjoy each other physically.
Wow, that’s an interesting perspective: to think that you had failed if she moved your hand. I’m going to remember that and use it in a talk sometime, because it honestly hadn’t really crossed my mind much that guys might think that way. But I’m glad you’ve gotten beyond it and see it differently now! I think we’re just both so sensitive early in the relationship that we may be doing something wrong that it’s hard to sit back and listen to each other. But communication is definitely the best thing!
I just applied some of these suggestions after reading the post this morning on my iPhone. To be honest, it took some courage. And a pair of 4 inch stilettos.
We broke the bed frame 30 minutes ago. I’m not kidding. It was the most incredible encounter of our lives.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for venturing where many bloggers wouldn’t.
It hasn’t been easy these last few years for us due to chronic illness, personal history and some significant stressors. This will change our marriage. I CANNOT thank you enough. Bless you.
I really hope we cross paths one day – I think we know quite a few people in common. I want to thank you in person for all these posts and I can’t wait to read your book.
Wow, that comment made me laugh so much! Way to go. Glad you’re looking forward to the book! There will definitely be a follow up one based on these posts, I think, given the response that they’re getting!
This sort of honest talk is what is often so helpful for married couples. Thanks for speaking frankly and practically about the beauty of intimacy. I am enjoying this series so much!
On a side note, I wondered when one of us Christian sex bloggers would get around to using the word “grind” in a post. I am noting that you went there first. 😉 LOL.
BOOGER!!!! (if you don’t get the reference, it’s not my fault!).
My guy loves it when I gently suck on his ear it completly arouses him
like others found your blog post on pinterest. I am not married but live in the UK with my partner of over 2 1/2 years. I have related so much to your posts, I feel so ashamed sometimes as I am supposed to be young (well 30) and have no children yet, and find my man very attractive. It all started so well but now I beat myself up over the fact Im never in the mood, and its a massive strain on our loving relationship. I am not religious but have been warmed by your words and it feels like someone has given me a big hug. I hope I can go forwards. Thank you.
What I reaallly want to know is why my husband can’t barely handle me touching him for foreplay… And how to help. He is super ticklish, and almost any touching on sensitive areas makes him feel like jumping out of his skin. I’m doing my best to not complain and only torture him a little, but is there anything we could do??? I love touching him, and I want more. No one ever seems to write about this or even have gone through this.
When my husband and I are together, all of our foreplay consists of me making him happy. What can I do to share with him that while I love making him happy I need to be touched too? When we average an hour together four or five times a week (he has a high drive) but I am “spotlighted” for five minutes of that time its no wonder sex doesn’tfeel like anything to me! I need more then 5 minutes a week to feel cherished. Now I just feel like his personal call girl. Sex is all about making him feel good and I am look ing forward to this 29 day challenge to help us out.
Sarah, thank you for sharing your heart. I’m right where you are. You sound like you’re probably a younger wife. I’ve been married for 26 years. For most of our marriage, our sex life has been pretty good. But for the past year sex has become more and more about my focusing on him during foreplay. Our time together last night was very discouraging for me. It’s interesting that your post is the last one for today, drawing my attention to our common area of need in our marriages. Whether you have a younger husband who is still learning or an older husband who knows better and has become complacent, this is not a fun place to be. I’ve tried to engage my husband in conversations about how we could improve our sex life, telling him about Sheila’s resources and how it might be fun to go through them together, but he’s not interested. 🙁 However, I’ll bet your man will be different and willing to learn. I will pray for you today!
I love, love, LOVE your writings about sex in marriage. I wish every married or about to be married person should read them.
It can be one wild and crazy ride if you just let it!
This article is really educating and informative, will surely share this on my blog, Sheila you are a mentor that I sincerely admire, always know that you do have a mentee from nigeria-west Africa. You are a blessing.
Great article and series of articles. This is a common problem and you address it well. Sexual desires are never perfectly balanced and yet we must always focus on meeting both needs. Thank you!
Sheila, even though I am not married, I cannot thank you enough for being blunt about sex. My mom doesn’t even like using the word “sex.” She likes to be “proper.” Reading your blog, I feel like you’re basically giving me pre-marital counseling and mentoring me on what seems to be a forbidden subject for Christians. Again, thank you SO much.
My husband says it takes too long for a woman to climax. His idea of foreplay is me touching him. He doesn’t “do” the whole foreplay *thing”. This is a sore subject for me because with my first marriage there was no question that I was just being used (he cheated on me almost from day one). I get all the affection I could ever want. And I understand part of the issue is his weight and medical issues (reflux & asthma). But it would be nice to be able to enjoy sex rather than feeling angry. I love my husband & there’s no doubt he loves me. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but his constant answer is his health issues. He’s not 1 for diets or exersize. So I just grin & bear it and act like I don’t care.
I’m so sorry, Linda. Have you tried asking him to do this whole challenge with you? Even if you start on day 1, then perhaps you could start talking about your sex life without it being a blame thing. I think most couples just need more honest communication, and more understanding of where each other is coming from. Maybe if you could start at day 1 you could talk about it more? And then by the time you go to day 18 maybe he’d understand more? I hope that helps!
I feel so silly saying this but reading through your blogs with hubby laying behind you in bed while naked is amazing!!! I was reading the blogs this morning after he left for work and I said to myself ” oh I cannot wait till he gets home”. I pounced on him as soon as he stepped in the door. I sent him some really dirty texts throughout the day for example: Your hot,sexy wife is waiting for you to get home. I want to rip your clothes off and kiss you from head to toe. P.s. I am not wearing underwear or a bra for that matter of a fact. When can you be home. He called after he got my message and said I’ll be home in five minutes. I laughed so hard I cried.
The hubby and I also have tried your idea of seeing who can push the other person off the bed. He won because he is triple the size of me. I finally gave up after 20 minutes. When it was his turn to push me off he didn’t even try he just got on top of me and started going to town.
Another idea for being dirty with you hubby is speaking in innuendo at parties or even at the parents house what’s really funny is when someone figures out what you are saying to each other.
I don’t understand why a man wouldn’t like foreplay. It’s more time to see and adore my wife’s body. Why wouldn’t I want that?
Amen, brother. I feel the same way. When I practice foreplay on my wife, it excites me, and it excites her. There is no reason that foreplay should be a one sided event.
Your wife is a very lucky woman and I hope she knows that. There are many women who would give their right arm to hear their husbands say that about them as well as to experience loving foreplay, myself included.
My husband makes a half hearted effort at forplay but he uses too much pressure and is so far off that my clitoris may as well be in another town. I have tried talking to him about it and tried guiding his hand multiple times but he gets offended and stops altogether. So basically I get nothing out of sex but frustration. 5.5 years of marriage and no orgasm of any kind. What man would put up with that?
I am tired of hearing men gripe that their wives aren’t interested in sex. I want to tell them that their wives are probably very interested in sex but are tired of not crossing the finish line.
My wife is not at all interested in foreplay. She will not let me do much of anything fo her in that department. I am more than happy to do anything she wants, but she normally wants it done fast so she can go watch a TV show. For us sex is done in 5-10 min. She does have a O most times and has told me she doesn’t want to (drag it out a long time ). I just feel like I am missing out on a lot as we only have sex 1 or 2 times a month so I get 10 to 15 min of connection with her a month, and she has her eyes closed the whole time.
I know my husband wants more of #1 in this article. He’s asked for strip teases and stuff like that, but the thought of it makes me feel so much anxiety– like I’d rather be anywhere else, preferably a dark closet wrapped in a big blanket. I hate the thought of being on display and having the spotlight on me with him just staring at me. I know it’s go to be my body image issues perhaps combined with my introverted nature. I just can’t help thinking how ridiculous I must look! Especially compared to all the women he’s probably seen in porn and the (younger, much firmer) women he was with before me. He’s tried to tell me that he thinks I’m beautiful but one time he confessed (after one too many drinks) that I’m not hot in a “self-confidence” kind of way and that there are tons of women that are hotter than me. I think he was trying to be nice by saying that he chose me anyway because conventional “hotness” wasn’t the most important thing to him. I’m sure he meant well, but my already low self-confidence just took a nose dive after that comment and my sexual desire for him has almost vanished. We’ve only been married for 6 months! I used to be a little overweight and have recently lost weight, so that makes me feel a little better, but I still can’t get into this whole acting “sexy” thing. I’m just not a good actress. I’ve even tried doing it in front of the mirror by myself and I just feel kind of like a fraud with my stretch marks and cellulite, etc. I think I also feel like when he asks for a strip tease he’s just wanting me to imitate something he’s seen other women do. I have truly prayed to overcome these feelings but I don’t know how.
I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband has also said some damaging remarks to me when he had one drink too many. And I also can’t help but feel compared to his other sexual encounters or to porn. I’m sorry you are having to experience this; I know it’s heartbreaking. You will be in my prayers.
Interesting points. I have always loved foreplay myself. It is true for me that men love firmer moves. I go so far ask to ask DW to use a paddle on me as I find that gets me going better than anything. My problem may be that I love the foreplay most.
This is an excellent article. I would like to comment though on the part about saying you’re going to use him. If you have a husband that was sexually abused as a child and went through trauma, that is definitely not something you want to do.
EXCELLENT point, Elizabeth. Thanks for noting that.
What do you suggest for my situation: while dating my husband there were a lot of heated makeout sessions. He made me feel very persued, attractive, and desired. But as soon as we got married, all of his affection stopped immediately. In fact, on our wedding night there was no foreplay and he hardly touched me other than the act of intercourse (and he was my first). It was a very confusing night for me. I had always invisioned sex being completely different than what had just transpired. But I chalked it up to the saying, ‘you have to practice for it to be good for both of you’. So I tried to continue ‘practicing’ with him with no change. Immediately after marriage he also stopped kissing/making out with me. Since I received no pleasure during our sexual encounters I would ask him to just kiss/makeout with me: he refused. He said kissing is what you do when you can’t have sex. I have tried gently explaining to him how important foreplay is for a woman and how his refusal to do so makes me feel unattractive and used. He still refused foreplay stating it made him uncomfortable and the topic wasn’t up for discussion. Furthermore, he is only interested in sex a few times a year.
I grew up being told that sex was an amazing, pleasurable, spiritual experience. I believed that sex was supposed to be bring a couple closure together and that men ENJOYED and WANTED to pleasure the woman they loved. (He told me that if I can’t “get off” during intercourse to just “go to the bathroom and take care of myself”). I thought couples loved enjoying each other’s bodies. I also believed that men wanted to have sex…often. I have always had a high sex drive but believed that the discipline of celibacy would pay off with an amazing sex life with my husband. In reality, sex is the biggest disappointment I’ve ever experienced. I don’t feel loved, beautiful, or cherished by my husband. I’ve never had such low self-esteem or low self-confidence since being married. I feel like a piece of me dies with every sexual encounter we have. Im so heartbroken and disappointed.
Is this normal? Is this how sex really is?
I sit with my girlfriends and listen to them talk about all the sweet things their husbands do to get them in the mood (candles, bubble baths, massages), how their husbands chase them around the house, kiss them on the neck, how their husbands feel a sense of pride in giving them pleasure, etc,. Some even complain of how often their husbands want to be intimate with them. I just sit there, smiling and nodding, and act as if I have experienced the same things. When in reality I envy them and feel pangs of jealousy.
I am so heartbroken and feel so alone. I have tried so hard to not let our sex life bother me, but after 5 years of marriage I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. My heart aches with loneliness to the point of physical pain in my chest. What do I do?
Due to my sex life in marriage, I now understand why people have sex with someone before marrying them. I wish I had known my sex life would be this way before I got married. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Please help.
Sheila– ANY advice or wisdom you have pertaining to my above stated situation would be greatly appreciated.
Please, I beg you, I am utterly desperate.
Hello,
I’m so sorry, that truly is heartbreaking. Here are a few posts of Sheila’s that I think may help, or at least may be worth a read to get a better grasp of what you may be dealing with:
When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love
Why doesn’t my husband care about my sexual desires?
The effects of Porn on your Brain, Marriage, and Sex Life
I hope this can help, and that you and your husband can start to work towards healing together!
Yeah, unfortunately there is nothing new in these articles that I didn’t already know or haven’t already discussed with my husband. I was really hoping Shelia could offer some advice but it’s looking like she won’t/can’t. I’m so alone and isolated I can’t even get advice. Lol
Her recent article about how we need a new definition of sex may help. You’re not depriving him if you say no – he is depriving you and had from the beginning. I’m on my phone so can’t link but look that one up – maybe help?
And what can you do or say if your husband think foreplay is not allowed or says it is sinful and refuses even to read about it together?
I think then you can say, “I love you and I want to make love to you. But it has to be about both of us. We need to research this and look into it, because this is not fair to me.” It really is okay to ask for what God wants for you. You can show him this post on why sex should be mutual, too. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that you can talk to him about this!
Thanks. I’m hoping it too. I’d say, I’m still hoping it, but it is hard. We have been married for over 30 years, and I have not yet found an approach that really works. Some attempts to talk about it have only made matters worse, and I’m sure I have not been blaming or complaining or condemning but just innocently asking for his help. Some of the most negative reactions I got when I asked if we coud read something about sex together. I’m afraid if I’d show him your answer on my post his reaction would not be positive so I don’t dare to try it, even though what you wrote was perfectly sensible.
I’m beginning to think there might have been some traumatic events in his childhood, or maybe the sex education he received when he was young was unbalanced. Or perhaps there was not any. Or perhaps he has read the wrong kind of books. I know he has read some. When we were young Christians and we were dating, books written by Walter and Ingrid Trobisch were very popular. Although their books contain many good things, they do say some quite counter productive things also.
To be fair I must say husband does not really refuse foreplay, not any more at least, but I very clearly sense he does not like it and only agrees to some of it because I have told I need it. In this way, it is not fun for me either, but I’m really afraid to push for more. From some of his remarks I have concluded he really believes that plain intercourse is the only “normal” way of having sex, and everything else is more or less “weird” and should not be necessary. He even has some Bible verses for it (pulled out of context). If it is a matter of conviction or conscience for him, I’m afraid I’ll be breaking something if I push too hard. Like Apostel Paul wrote, violating someone’s conscience is dangerous even when the convictions may not be correct. I don’t want to violate his conscience even though I’m not happy with our situation.
Really, if something is ever going to change, a miracle in his mind is needed. But who knows. Your website is full of great advise, and perhaps I’ll find something that’s worth trying.