Do you and your husband really understand the importance of the clitoris?
We’re in the middle of our blog series 29 Days to Great Sex, leading up to the release of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Update: Now available!). The last few days have been a little steamy, with trying to figure out how to get things to work well physically–how to increase foreplay and how to have an orgasm.
Today I have one more major thing to say in this area before we move on to other aspects of making sex great.
And here’s some encouragement for you: Often the conflict over sex between husbands and wives is because women don’t tend to have a high libido (now, if in your marriage it’s the other way, as it is in about 25% of marriages, you can read this series on what to do when your husband doesn’t want sex). But it’s not just frequency that leads to conflict. One husband emailed me recently saying that he and his wife make love every few days, but she shows no enthusiasm. So he feels like she’s just placating him.
What usually happens in marriages is that once women experience real passion, frequency does increase. But the passion itself is what the husbands often crave. It’s not just the release; it’s seeing her receive and experience pleasure.
So how can we experience pleasure when we make love?
Let’s get a little more technical today!
Here’s the thing about orgasm for women: pretty much all orgasms are caused by the clitoris (that little knob of flesh in front of the vagina) being stimulated or pressed. The vagina itself doesn’t have that many nerves; the clitoris, as tiny as it is, actually has more nerves than the penis. It’s the clitoris that is the little bundle of pleasure. (Many researchers think those nerves are actually linked to the G-spot, that spot inside the vagina about 1 1/2 inches up that can lead to very intense orgasms–they’re all part and parcel of the same little piece of anatomy).
Many women feel as if something must be wrong with them because intercourse itself just doesn’t feel that wonderful. But that’s actually quite normal.
But because the clitoris is so little, it often doesn’t get a lot of stimulation once intercourse starts. So here are a few tips for making sure your clitoris gets the attention that it needs to experience real pleasure:
1. Change up the missionary position
Tilt your pelvis up when you’re on the bottom. If he’s on top, and you just lie there, you won’t actually experience a lot of stimulation. Tilt up, though, and you’re putting pressure on the clitoris and changing the angle so that his pelvic bone comes in contact with you there during intercourse. So try tilting up–actually squeeze your butt. It’s a little change, but it does a lot!
2. Try being on top
If you are on top during intercourse, then very slowly try to change the angle so that you can hit him at the right spot that makes you feel good. Just rotate a bit until it feels good. This also often helps you hit the G-spot better, too.
3. Have him touch you
If you’re trying other positions, just have him put a finger or two on your clitoris, so that you’re receiving stimulation during intercourse.
During foreplay you may feel great because he’s directly stimulating you where it feels good. But then you start actual intercourse, and the stimulation almost stops, depending upon your position. That’s often why women have a hard time reaching orgasm. Instead, try to vary the angle (even if you don’t really vary the position) so that your clitoris does get that sensation. A small change like tilting your hips can do wonders.
I have many more tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but here’s one that hopefully will help you quickly! Many women feel as if something must be wrong with them because intercourse itself just doesn’t feel that wonderful. But that’s actually quite normal. Because the vagina doesn’t have many nerves, unless you’re making an effort to have your clitoris line up with the base of his pelvis, you’re not going to get the pleasurable feelings that you need. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to adjust your position a little bit!
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
I received an email from a woman lately where she stated that she could only orgasm in one position, and she felt like there was something wrong with her, and she should be aiming for more. I don’t think that’s the case at all. Many of us find a position that works, because we’ve had to rotate and tilt and try to get the angle just right, and with the shape of his body, and the shape of ours, there’s one that just is more conducive. And it’s not the same position for each woman, either! If you enjoy other positions, but you find that only one lets you orgasm, that’s really okay. You can always use the others as a type of foreplay, and then finish using the Old Faithful position. It doesn’t mean that you’re inferior if you don’t enjoy sexual gymnastics!
Incidentally, as you try to find the right position, it also means that you’ll have to more active while you make love. You won’t be able to just “lie there”. You’ll have to shift a bit, or tilt a bit, and that means you’ll be more engaged. Your husband will likely appreciate this, because it will show that you are desiring to make love, and that you are choosing to receive pleasure. That’s a big deal to a man. So even if it takes you a few tries (or a lot of tries) to get it right, he’ll really enjoy your effort (and likely so will you).
So here’s your challenge:
Great Sex Challenge 17: Change up the position and rotate until you get the right angle.
This takes some courage and assertiveness! You’ll have to speak up! And if it doesn’t feel just right, keep trying. Change positions if you have to. But don’t just “settle” for something. Really tell him what feels good, and keep working at it until you find it!
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book: 31 Days to Great Sex!
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm (This one!)
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I began feeling more free to try new positions when I released myself from the pressure of forcing myself to have an orgasm in each position. I am enthusiastic to try new things but I still have my “go to” for orgasm. I believe that is a typical experience with women but it doesn’t prevent us from being exciting and adventurous lovers.
Megan
Great tips! I will have to try the pelvic-tip.
Way to go! We (the hubby and I) were just talking about this the other night. I have found that only the “standard” missionary position works for me but yes tilting the pelvis is so helpful. Sex is intended to be fun for both of you so find out what works for you. We are both really high in tough (love languages) and so any position that means less full body contact usually doesn’t happen again. 🙂
Looking forward to the new book. All ready to load on the kindle as soon as it releases. Thank you Sheila for letting God use you in this sometimes awkward way. Being a newlywed (2 years in April) it is a blessing to have someone answering the questions we all have.
It is surprising what a difference a shift in angle can make. There are numerous “positions” but really only a few basic ones (missionary, rear entry, woman on top, etc.). The rest is about moving your legs and pelvis to get a better angle, and what’s feels best can be very personal. Great points, Sheila!
love this one! You did a great job on wording this!
I haven’t figured out how to orgasm during sex yet, just during clitoral stimulation. I’m going to have to try the pelvic tilt.
Great post! I definitely agree that wives need to get on top sometime. The experience is totally different from the top!
I’m just finding your blog today, so I must take sometime to read the previous days. Thanks for a tasteful post about sex.
Pamela
Still Dating My Spouse
http://www.stilldatingmyspouse.com
Try a pillow under your hips to get the angle – it worked for me til I got the hang of it!
Great tips, Sheila!! Through the years, hubby and I realized that we both like it for me to create clitoral stimulation while he is penetrating. It also gives me a chance to touch him there at the same time. The effect on both of us is “climatic”.
Wow! I guess I’m a little more assertive than most women. I am more than willing to make the moves and jump on, literally. I have never had a problem with that and my husband loves it! Seriously, I cannot encourage you ladies enough to be bold. Our men want us to want them, so lets show them we do! 🙂 Wishing you all the happiest nights ever! Or days.
This has been an interesting series. I have been married long enough that I think I had learned this already, but good info. What surprises me is that you have to tell women to move and not just lie there. Women do that? Just lie there? I want to have fun, so we do so much more. I can give tips for those earlier years….I really struggled with orgasm with penetration for the first few years, then getting on in our marriage we needed things to be a bit more interesting so we would both come up with 3 positions we wanted to try. If we had any the same that was ok, then the challenge was to see how many of the positions we could get through before we climaxed. We never made it to the last position, but the effort of trying was so exciting and took the pressure off that it made it easier.
With the exhaustion of having children we had to schedule a night each week. Sometimes we kept the date and sometimes we put if off for a night, but it was there to look forward to.
If you are running out of position ideas, for variety, it is fun to have him sitting up in bed resting against the headboard and I straddle him. That gives him access to my breasts while I control what is going on down below. When we are really tired but still want to “do something” we have the “X” position. He lays on his side facing me and I lay on my back with one leg up over his side and my other leg between his. Everything still fits in place, but neither of us has to work very hard. I get good results with this position because I still have a lot of control over depth of penetration and angle. I guess we called it X because that is sort of how we are laying making an X instead of next to each other. Hope this isn’t too graphic. But I know it all would have been helpful to us if we had learned it younger.
Dear Sheila, thank you for this series on sex!
I’ve been thinking a lot about these issues.
I’ve been married for 4 1/2 years. We didn’t have sex before we got married and totally enjoyed everything once it started.
But I’ve noticed that my sex drive is actually stronger than most women’s, even stronger than my hubby’s…
I love trying out new positions, I actually encourage and suggest new ones, initiate our love making (more often than not… 😉 ) etc. I enjoy every moment, whether I climax (why, btw, to reassure some women, is only possible for me when I either touch myself or let my husband do it with either his mouth or hand) or not, my husband is very loving, careful, and wants me to have fun too.
On the one hand, I thought that was somewhat “normal” for a woman my age (I will soon be reaching 30), my generation etc. I still have all those horror stories in mind that we’ve heard of our grandmothers or even mothers and their generations. I still had this image in mind, yet was hoping that times had changed. But then i talked to other friends who had been recently married. Girls, or should I rather say – women, newly-wed, who did not enjoy making love with their husbands. Who did not know their bodies. Who did not even know how to pleasure themselves, not even to speak of having their husband help them… One of them even “gave up”, saying it would be too much work to change that, so she would just let her husband “do it” while she was just lying there (even though her husband cares about her and wants her to enjoy it too…). I thought that was so sad and started to wonder, since most stories I hear about (even young!) married women are similar to that one, HOW MANY young Christian women actually still struggle with that? Not being able to really enjoy intercourse, not being able to let go, not being able to tell their husbands what they really liked etc…? I mean, what is the percentage of (young) married women who experience love-making as something “exhausting”, somewhat “necessary”, maybe even annoying, but definitely not pleasurable? Is it “normal”? Is it getting less? Am I not just a lucky exception (hopefully), but are there more and more women who enjoy the sex life with their husbands?
I actually have to say that I still feel somewhat “not normal” for that desire that I have, initiating and loving sex with my hubby! Having that strong desire to be with him physically, was also sth. I struggled with that a lot in the beginning of our marriage because it is somehow conveyed that a good Christian girl (or girl in general, for that matter) shouldn’t be the active part, shouldn’t have “sexual desire” whatsoever… I was never actually taught (by my parents, for instance) to be the passive part, so my husband was surprised when I told him that I still had the feeling that that is what was expected of a woman, especially a Christian woman. He was surprised that I felt totally strange and weird for having a strong sexual desire – even more than him, most of the time.
So – back to my question: Am I not the only married woman totally enjoying and wanting sex? I always hear how women sruggle with their lust and their desire, their ability to let go and enjoy, and then I feel like I’m totally weird… I want women to experience what I’m experiencing, yet I feel somewhat abnormal, which, as I said, made me struggle a lot.
Sincerely – a German woman 🙂
QUESTION: I’ve been married for just over two months, and my husband and I are loving life!! We have a very active and healthy sex-life, and very open communication. We both believe communication DURING SEX is vital. I also firmly believe that going into marriage with a positive attitude about sex will make a huge difference in the long run. My hubby and I love to try new things. We’ve tried me being on top a few times, but it is not comfortable for me at all, and even slightly painful, especially if he raises his hips. People say to move up and down or in circles, but I just don’t get it… I can rock back and forth, but it isn’t comfortable…I don’t understand how it works.
Thank you so much for your work, Shelia! My sister passed along your Good Girl’s guide to me and I loved it, and am now devouring your blog posts.
I’ve only been married for a month, and so far sex has been fun and intimate, but I have not orgasmed. In fact, I’ve only once felt anywhere near orgasm. My husband is great at communicating, patient, and willing to try new things, but I am at a loss of what to tell him. I don’t think my struggle is with embarrassment or letting go; I am blessed to feel incredibly loved and cherished by my husband in the bedroom. We’ve tried having both him and me stimulate the clitoris. I’m not sure where to go from here.
One more question: what kind of “sexy thoughts” are ok? I’m ashamed to find that the times I feel most aroused are when I’m flipping through the radio and hear a song about sex or if it is implied in a movie. For some reason, these less than sacred versions of sex make me desire my husband more and feel more sexy. How do I feel sexy in a way that is holy?
The only two positions we’ve tried so far are Missionary and Woman on Top. We like both because my husband can sit up with me on top and we both be chest to chest. We love that closeness. In fact when I’m on top, I get more stimulation with my husband sitting up than him lying down. Eventually though I’m hoping he can stay erect long enough to try other positions like me at the edge of the bed and him standing or him entering from behind. This requires more assertiveness on his part which he hasn’t quite worked up to yet but he’s getting there.
I think I need to print and read every single blog post. I’ve been married 12 years and have never had an orgasm with my husband, only alone. Nothing he does with his hand seems to feel good, I try to redirect and explain slower, lighter, but it’s always too hard or too fast. We are both discouraged and just stopped trying. I need help 🙁
I’ve read that orgasm thru penetration is determined by how far the clitoris is from the vagina, which makes sense for me. I’ve never had an orgasm just from penile penetration. But my husband and I have fun, one of us stimulates me to orgasm, then he finishes.
I guess I’m saying, don’t feel bad if you can’t find the big O thru positions. We’ve enjoyed a bazillionty positions, and because he helps me orgasm in the midst of everything (by clitoral stimulation), I don’t/haven’t ever felt like there is some deficiency. Just pleasure.