Do you and your husband really understand the importance of the clitoris?
We’re in the middle of our blog series 29 Days to Great Sex, leading up to the release of my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Update: Now available!). The last few days have been a little steamy, with trying to figure out how to get things to work well physically–how to increase foreplay and how to have an orgasm.
Today I have one more major thing to say in this area before we move on to other aspects of making sex great.
And here’s some encouragement for you: Often the conflict over sex between husbands and wives is because women don’t tend to have a high libido (now, if in your marriage it’s the other way, as it is in about 25% of marriages, you can read this series on what to do when your husband doesn’t want sex). But it’s not just frequency that leads to conflict. One husband emailed me recently saying that he and his wife make love every few days, but she shows no enthusiasm. So he feels like she’s just placating him.
What usually happens in marriages is that once women experience real passion, frequency does increase. But the passion itself is what the husbands often crave. It’s not just the release; it’s seeing her receive and experience pleasure.
So how can we experience pleasure when we make love?
Let’s get a little more technical today!
Here’s the thing about orgasm for women: pretty much all orgasms are caused by the clitoris (that little knob of flesh in front of the vagina) being stimulated or pressed. The vagina itself doesn’t have that many nerves; the clitoris, as tiny as it is, actually has more nerves than the penis. It’s the clitoris that is the little bundle of pleasure. (Many researchers think those nerves are actually linked to the G-spot, that spot inside the vagina about 1 1/2 inches up that can lead to very intense orgasms–they’re all part and parcel of the same little piece of anatomy).
Many women feel as if something must be wrong with them because intercourse itself just doesn’t feel that wonderful. But that’s actually quite normal.
But because the clitoris is so little, it often doesn’t get a lot of stimulation once intercourse starts. So here are a few tips for making sure your clitoris gets the attention that it needs to experience real pleasure:
1. Change up the missionary position
Tilt your pelvis up when you’re on the bottom. If he’s on top, and you just lie there, you won’t actually experience a lot of stimulation. Tilt up, though, and you’re putting pressure on the clitoris and changing the angle so that his pelvic bone comes in contact with you there during intercourse. So try tilting up–actually squeeze your butt. It’s a little change, but it does a lot!
2. Try being on top
If you are on top during intercourse, then very slowly try to change the angle so that you can hit him at the right spot that makes you feel good. Just rotate a bit until it feels good. This also often helps you hit the G-spot better, too.
3. Have him touch you
If you’re trying other positions, just have him put a finger or two on your clitoris, so that you’re receiving stimulation during intercourse.
During foreplay you may feel great because he’s directly stimulating you where it feels good. But then you start actual intercourse, and the stimulation almost stops, depending upon your position. That’s often why women have a hard time reaching orgasm. Instead, try to vary the angle (even if you don’t really vary the position) so that your clitoris does get that sensation. A small change like tilting your hips can do wonders.
I have many more tips in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, but here’s one that hopefully will help you quickly! Many women feel as if something must be wrong with them because intercourse itself just doesn’t feel that wonderful. But that’s actually quite normal. Because the vagina doesn’t have many nerves, unless you’re making an effort to have your clitoris line up with the base of his pelvis, you’re not going to get the pleasurable feelings that you need. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to adjust your position a little bit!
I received an email from a woman lately where she stated that she could only orgasm in one position, and she felt like there was something wrong with her, and she should be aiming for more. I don’t think that’s the case at all. Many of us find a position that works, because we’ve had to rotate and tilt and try to get the angle just right, and with the shape of his body, and the shape of ours, there’s one that just is more conducive. And it’s not the same position for each woman, either! If you enjoy other positions, but you find that only one lets you orgasm, that’s really okay. You can always use the others as a type of foreplay, and then finish using the Old Faithful position. It doesn’t mean that you’re inferior if you don’t enjoy sexual gymnastics!
Incidentally, as you try to find the right position, it also means that you’ll have to more active while you make love. You won’t be able to just “lie there”. You’ll have to shift a bit, or tilt a bit, and that means you’ll be more engaged. Your husband will likely appreciate this, because it will show that you are desiring to make love, and that you are choosing to receive pleasure. That’s a big deal to a man. So even if it takes you a few tries (or a lot of tries) to get it right, he’ll really enjoy your effort (and likely so will you).
So here’s your challenge:
Great Sex Challenge 17: Change up the position and rotate until you get the right angle.
This takes some courage and assertiveness! You’ll have to speak up! And if it doesn’t feel just right, keep trying. Change positions if you have to. But don’t just “settle” for something. Really tell him what feels good, and keep working at it until you find it!
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book: 31 Days to Great Sex!
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm (This one!)
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)