Ever wonder how to have an orgasm when you make love?
Do you have difficulty reaching “The Big O” through intercourse?
Last year, after my husband and I gave the “sex talk” at a FamilyLife marriage conference, I was approached by a very determined woman. “I have a question, and I’ve never found anyone I could ask. What is an orgasm? And how do I know if I’ve had one?”
Many women do not experience orgasm during sex.
In the surveys that I took for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, around 65% regularly orgasm during intercourse, but that leaves 35% who don’t. And some of those 35% have never had an orgasm at all.
I know this is a really sensitive and rather personal topic, but you can’t write 29 Days to Great Sex without talking about it! And we’re in the middle of the 29 Days to Great Sex series. We’ve looked at how to increase friendship, self-esteem, play, and attitude, and now I want to spend today on something far more physically important because I know there are many women, like my conference participant, who honestly want to know. So let’s tackle how to have an orgasm!
(P.S. If you are going through menopause and are having trouble reaching orgasm as a result, I have a post on that right here!)
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
Here’s what an orgasm is:
It’s the height of sexual pleasure. You tend to climax right after an exquisite tension when, if your husband stopped doing whatever he was doing, you’d likely burst out into tears. When you do orgasm, waves pass over you. Your legs tend to stiffen up. Your head often goes from side to side. And your vaginal muscles contract. Plus it feels very good.
Most women find it easier to orgasm to their husbands touching them than they do during intercourse, because the stimulation is more direct (we’ll talk about why this is tomorrow). But what do you do if you’ve never experienced an orgasm, or if you find it hard to reach orgasm?
I’ve asked J from Hot, Holy and Humorous to share some thoughts, and then I’ll share some extras of my own.
Here’s J:
I recently got a question from a commenter. Here’s what she (Anonymous) said:
Reader Comment
“My issue is that I have never had an orgasm. I’m beginning to believe that I can’t. I love sex… I initiate it more often than he does! But I know that it bothers him somewhat (a lot less than in the past!) and it bugs me! I believe it might have something to do with letting go and relaxing.. any tips for me?”
Without further ado, here’s my rendition of:
How to Have an Orgasm
1. Don’t try to reach orgasm
Yes, it’s a worthy goal. However, trying to attain an orgasm is like looking for the perfect shoes. You almost never find them when you’re out hunting down what to wear with that outfit you paid too much for. But go out browsing with a girlfriend to enjoy the fun of shopping, and voila! there they are – the perfect shoes practically winking at you through the display window.
Likewise, orgasms are not what you should aim for. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure. When the pleasure becomes particularly intense, orgasm occurs. So your target should be enjoying the sexual act as much as you possibly can.
2. Learn about your body.
There are various ways to do this. Read up on the female body generally. Learn the parts that constitute arousal areas and how they work. (Note from Sheila: I’ve got a ton of this in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex!).
Some experts suggest that you experiment with your own body, discovering where you like to be touched and with what intensity. It will feel different with your own hand versus your husband’s, but this information can be valuable. You can even make this part of a lovemaking session. Most husbands are very aroused by their wives touching themselves, and this can become part of the foreplay for sex. It can help him to see what you like.
You can also have your husband explore your body. I suggest that the wife remove her clothing, but that the husband remain dressed for this session (it can be awfully hard for him to not rush in to penetration if he’s already naked). Dedicate at least fifteen minutes, but even better a half-hour, to him touching you with his hands and lips. It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you, but learning what causes arousal for the wife will benefit the husband in the long run as well.
3. Slow way down.
Men typically do not require as much foreplay as women. Moreover, women are mental multi-taskers. This can be a problem when it comes to sex. It takes time to wind down and push the to-do list to the back of our minds; to swat away those pesky distractions rushing through our brains; to relax into the arms of our beloved; to feel valued, treasured, and loved in that moment; and to let go and surrender to the sensations our body is experiencing.
And that’s okay. It can be a good thing when a wife slows down the lovemaking experience and ensures that a couple basks in the delights of one another. Give the wife time for pleasure and intensity to build.
4. Focus on the sensations.
The female orgasm is mostly mental. As I said, God created females to be multi-taskers, so it’s easy for us to think about sex and – sex and our shopping list; sex and the lyrics to the song on the radio; sex and the way our breasts sag to the side instead of perking up like we wish they would. But you have to focus on what’s happening to your body to give in to it, to enjoy it, to climax.
Make your pleasure almost like meditation. Train yourself to focus on where your husband is touching, kissing, or fondling you. Think intently about your private areas as your husband is pleasuring them. If stray thoughts come in (and they do), return your mental gaze to your body and the stimulation of your five senses. Most women must practice this level of concentration – getting rid of distracting thoughts and returning focus to the arousal your body is experiencing. It may take time to do it with ease.
Instead of aiming for orgasm. Aim instead for pleasure, pleasure, and more pleasure.
5. Communicate.
Tell him what you like. When something feels particularly good, let your spouse know to keep doing it, or have him increase the intensity. When adjustments need to be made, verbally suggest what you want or direct his hands or lips to the area you want aroused.
Can this be awkward? Um, yeah. I still feel a little weird about speaking up during sex, but my honey doesn’t mind. Two things to remember: (1) he wants to pleasure you, so if something else would do more to rev up your engine, he wants to know; (2) he’ll respond much better to positive feedback than critical reviews of his performance. For example, rather than saying, “That doesn’t feel good,” move his hand and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Moans and groans also let a hubby know when he’s hit the jackpot.
6. Surrender to the moment.
Orgasm is a paradox of tension and letting go. When a woman feels extreme sexual arousal, her body tenses. But she must surrender to the pleasurable sensations in order for her body to climax. This is something you might practice too. When you start feeling intense pleasure, concentrate on the body part being aroused and relax it. Do this a few times, and see if your pleasure increases.
Well, that’s it. Today’s tips for how to orgasm.
You know what was so great about this reader’s question in particular? She admits to enjoying sex . . . even without an orgasm. “I love sex,” she wrote. By learning about my body and my interactions with my husband, I have no problem these days achieving orgasm. However, I don’t require climax to enjoy the closeness, arousal, and experience of sex with my husband. Sometimes, I simply don’t hit that Big O, and that’s okay. When I told my husband this, he was a little surprised. Most men figure that climax is a goal of sex; after all, they usually have one. But for women, sex can be great even without one.
Thanks, J!
Great tips. Let me give a little more perspective from my surveys that I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
Women are more likely to orgasm once they’ve been married for a few years, so if it takes a while for things to work, that’s okay.
Orgasm is the ultimate letting go; when you’re still shy early in your marriage, that can be difficult. Don’t worry about it. The more you worry about it, the less likely you are to get there (like those elusive shoes J talked about).
Now, some positions do make orgasm easier than others, and we’ll talk about that tomorrow. But for today, I like J’s advice: concentrate on pleasure first, and then how learning to relax, and it’s more likely to happen. Concentrating to orgasm by thinking only about whether or not you’ll climax often backfires, because you get too tense.
One last thought for the men: if you put too much pressure on your wife to orgasm, and feel like a failure if she doesn’t, then she’s less likely to want to make love if she thinks she may not reach climax. It’s great to want to pleasure her; to pressure her, though, can often backfire. Just take things slowly, laugh a lot, leave time to explore, and let things happen as they happen.
And I have three chapters in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex on how to make sex feel great–including what to do if that orgasm just isn’t occurring.
Great Sex Challenge 16: Just concentrate hard on the pleasure you're feeling!
Redo yesterday’s challenge to concentrate on foreplay, and then take it one step further. If you’ve never experienced an orgasm, try to prolong foreplay to see if it happens. Concentrate on the pleasure, concentrate on what your body is feeling, and relax. If you have experienced orgasm through ways other than intercourse, but have a hard time experiencing one through intercourse, then spend a ton of time on foreplay, and then only start making love when you’re very excited. Keep concentrating on what your body is feeling, and learn to revel in the pleasure.
Tomorrow in this series: More on how to experience pleasure by looking at the clitoris.
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!
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29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Yes! Hee hee, I think you will enjoy this story. I texted my husband yesterday (who was away on his third day at a conference and about to be coming home) to remind him that it was is dad’s birthday, and he replied, “Oh crap yea!” I texted him back and said that that reminded me of something I would be saying later that night (blush).
When we were first married, it helped me to focus on clouds to help relax me so that I could orgasm. My husband thought it was so weird, but I would just escape to my happy place where the clouds just drifted and flowed and stopped thinking about sex and it would happen.
What a great explanation of orgasm and how to achieve it. I so often want to let women know that the approach to learning your body and figuring out how to orgasm is not a selfish thing but a great gift to your husband. I’ve been told that many men enjoy their wife’s orgasm even more than their own. And when it comes to experiencing multiples…that is a whole different story. Great post!
Another tip- don’t forget to breathe! I know it sounds silly, but sometimes we (I) get caught up in the little breaths of excitement that I’m stopping the full arousal and pleasure (because I’m not fully relaxed). When I pause and take a deep breath, it can then send me over the edge. (And it also helps prevent a post-coital headache.)
Great tip! Thank you!
Breathing is incredibly important. Learning how to breathe, when to hold my breath, when to inhale just a little more, and when to exhale has made a huge difference in my ability to have a big O. It’s rare that I don’t have one and breathing has been key.
Really agree with the comment about husband’s thinking that orgasm is where it is at – and that if I don’t then he / we have not ‘done it right’.
Due to health reasons we tend to have less intercourse and more non-penetrative sex than previously – which certainly results in more orgasms – but I kinda miss the intimacy and connectedness of penetration. (Now there’s a topic Sheila.)
I also find that it is me who is more interested in sex than my husband – too busy, too tired (aren’t we all) but I appreciate the physical release and the rejoicing in being alive and together whereas he doesn’t find it to be helpful for stress or insomnia….
Wow I would of never guessed it was honestly so hard to let go for some woman… Marriage through the years though has changed our sex life. So I guess being married longer makes your husband and you more connected and comfy with each other…??? Be cause I have one every time we are together… Maybe once a month it doesn’t show up however almost daily it does… I must be blessed lol – cause it sure does top the icing on the cake lol… Pleasure with my husband can’t be beat…
Thanks for posting this wonderful series!! Ive enjoyed reading every single day!!
Glad to hear number four is normal and is not just a “me” thing! 😉 Thanks again for your willingness to be so candid!!
breathe and relax… it will happen!
I’ve never had an orgasm, but my husband thinks I have. He feels like less of a man if he knows I don’t have one, so I fake it. I don’t know how to tell him that it’s not working for me. I love him, and I love sex with him. I just don’t want to disappoint him or make him feel like a failure or like he’s not enough of a man for the job, so to speak.
Laura – have you tried different positions? I find I don’t climax in missionary position (or doggy style but I find that painful so never do it that way) – but I have had lots of orgasms by being on top of my husband because I can control the rubbing (which really has to be a forward and back movement – not up and down). This stimulates the whole vaginal area from front to back and that in conjunction with your emotional love and feelings for your husband, and any little fantasy you might have to accompany it ( you are the active partner – not the passive in this), will just send you over the top! It’s worth a try.
Lily the problem for most women isn’t changing positions. It’s either she or her husband thinking she’s going to achieve an orgasm by intercourse alone. Rarely does that happen. Most often her clitoris or g-spot needs to be touched/stroked/rubbed. Even then it’s still no guarantee.
You need to be honest. Apologize for being deceitful and ask him to work on it with you.
Laura, you are training him to do it wrong. It’s like feeding your kid chocolate when he poops on the coach. You get more poop.
Try never faking anything, reinforcing what does feel good, and trying lots of different things.
*couch.
(You’d have one pissed off Coach…)
Sometimes position makes a BIG difference. I have never orgasmed in missionary position – but I have orgasmed many times when I am on top of my husband because I can control the rubbing (which really has to be a forward and back movement – not up and down!) This stimulates the whole vaginal area from front to back and that in conjunction with your emotional love and feelings for your husband, and any little fantasy you might have to accompany it ( you are the active partner – not the passive in this), will just send you over the top! It’s worth a try.
Lily, I’m not sure about the fantasy thing… Sheila?
Well not sure if I should tell ! It’s nothing really sordid. Should we talk about our sexual fantasies and admit to them?
Does everyone have sexual fantasies?
Can having sexual fantasies help our sex lives?
Are they OK with God?
Sexual fantasies raise so many questions. I haven’t a clue in many ways, all I know is mine help me to enjoy my sex life with my husband.
I suppose it depends on the fantasy. There are some fantasy places I wouldn’t want to go.
When I was younger I never had any at all, but as I got older, some emerged. Maybe it’s a psychological thing? Should we resist them?
For me, my fantasy is about bringing my husband enormous physical pleasure in a certain setting – I haven’t told him all the details, but sometimes we like to talk during our love-making and he owuld get an idea then. He’s perfectly happy about it.
My husband is a committed Christian and we’ve been married 20+ plus years so we’ve been on quite a sexual journey together, and because we know each other really well sexually we are very relaxed with each other.
He has had sexual fantasies too in the past (sometimes they surface, but we both try to quel them because his tend to be unhealthy.
I struggled with my husband’s sexual fantasies for many years because he liked to act them out which I tried to do to give him as full arousal as possible – we both yielded to his because I thought it gave him pleasure and he thought because it made him hard it gave me pleasure!! ….but it didn’t because I hated it really – they crossed a boundary with me emotionally (my fantasy is in my head so does not require any “acting out”). His fantasies caused me some emotional damage, and I reached breaking point with them and told him how I felt, and after talking about his fantasies openly and frankly he admitted he did not like his sexual fantasies either – that they were damaging and ungodly and did not glorify God. So we have stopped them, and we have found other ways to get him fully aroused.
Unfortunately my husband’s unhealthy sexual fantasies seem to have been caused at an early age as a young boy where he interpreted pain to be an expression of love, and so his first erection was caused in a particularly manner by an adult in authority. There is a special name for it but I have forgotten it, but adults should be careful because certain things can affect children’s sexuality in negative ways.
Anyway, I hope that gives an insight Sheila – thank you for your question, but I don’t really know the “right” answer. Thank you for your blog which helps people talk about difficult issues which they can feel quite alone in.
Great Read, Marisa.
There is a lot stated in your writing and in the book that I think most women don’t know.
I agreed with much of it. I have read a lot of books and talked to a lot of women throughout my life on the subject of sex. It is a special time for a couple, but it does not just work automatically. If a couple can realize and discuss this and work together on it, then the sparks will fly.
Scott
Ooops sorry that wasn’t Sheila’s question about the fantasy – it was Anonymous’s! But I would be interested if Sheila has any views on how sexual fantasies can assist in achieving orgasms, and whether they are OK. I guess God gave us our minds and imaginations, though they do need some regulating if they cross a boundary.
I had trouble having an orgasm until i was able to give one to myself. My husband would get me close but it was like i was unable to finish. So one day in the shower where we have a hand held shower head i used the adjustable pressure spray and was able to achieve an orgasm. It was a small one but it was almost like i removed the expectation off my husband and myself. I thought there was something wrong with me when i couldn’t. My husband tried doing lots of different things but i just wasn’t able to achieve it. Once i realized i could have one it was like the pressure was off the both of us. Now i still don’t always achieve one everytime we make love. But there have been a few times where i have had multiple orgasms in one night. So now I don’t feel like I always have to have one. As long as i love what my husband is doing to me it’s all that matters because I know I’ll eventually “get my turn”. Lol
I am trying to figure out how women have multiples in 1 night. Go Girls!! LOL
I’m trying to figure out how Adult women don’t know what an orgasm is and Adult men are unable to show them! I lose count, every time. The idea that this many women don’t know if they have, can only in certain positions, or only get one is insane to me. Men are slacking and need to up their game, or someone needs to tell them how to do things. I know a guy…who is a good writer who can help!
Thanks for shaming the loving married couples who need this advice. We have enough all by ourselves. Next time, please just pray for us and offer God praise that this struggle isn’t yours.
I have question that is related to this but not… I have always thought I was having orgasms, and they came relatively easy to me. But lately I’ve gotten that same experience just from kissing. I see 2 possibilities. Either what I thought was an orgasm isn’t, or it is, and I just get them easily. Any ideas?
Hello Sheila,
Thank you for the wonderful articles. Helping women enjoy ‘the act of marriage’ with their spouses has always been a passion of mine.
Now, here is something that I have NEVER come across, in all my years of researching, but that is a tried, tested and true trick for me when it comes to attaining orgasm (and easily):
NEVER HAVE SEX ON AN EMPTY BLADDER!
Just having a small amount in my bladder is the difference between orgasms or none. It may sound odd, but it’s a very simple thing we can do to help our times together be fulfilling for the both of us.
So true! This has actually been scientifically proven. Another weird one: wear socks. Honestly.
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now and I still don’t think I’ve had an orgasm either trying by myself or with him. I enjoy sex after about half way through it but often penetration can be very painful for me. It’s not about lubrication as much as my opening is very small and only a couple days out of the monthe does it feel relaxed or loose enough not to hurt. That’s typically around my ovulation time I’ve noticed. We have tried using lube but because it’s the tight pressure that hurts like the feel of stretching or ripping, lube doesn’t really stop that pain. Laying on our sides facing each other it the ONLY way he can even get in me and even that I sometimes have to really brace myself. Sometimes I think an epesiotomy would help but when I concentrate on where the pain is, it seems even deeper than just the immediate entry. Problem number 2 is the no orgasm even with purposeful and DIRECTED stimulation. Maby this is what an orgasm is but here is what happens… with clitoral stimulation the clitoris becomes more and more sensitive and enlarges. The sensitivity heightens to a point that I can only relate to how a man may describe as “I’m about to go” or “I’m close”. Meaning it feels like something major is about to happen and I am almost there…. BUT immediately following that almost climax feeling my clitoris becomes SO sensitive that it can no longer be stimulated because it went from pleasurable to ticklish but not in a pleasurable way. And just like that the feeling of “almost there” is gone and the clitoris is still too sensitive to touch for a while. This has been the story of my sex life. I can’t imagine what I’m feeling to actually be an orgasm as it’s almost frustrating to feel like I am about to do something but then don’t EVERY SINGLE TIME. My husband has tried to kind of hold me down and keep stimulating it (it’s so sensitive and ticklish that my pelvis can’t help but try to get away because it’s uncomfortable ) and that doesn’t help or even bring pleasure. If anyone knows how to get to the actual orgasm from here please give me the steps!!! My husband has tried so hard to take me to that other side and he often feels like he’s inadequate and I just tell him it’s broken. That I got a lemon… I’m really not sure where to go from here. Thanks for this blog Sheila!!!!
I had a very uncomfortable first couple years of marriage until we we had our first child. That definitely stretches you out a bit more. That completely solved the problem for me of painful intercourse.
Very common story! Mine is quite similar, too.
Ashlee..
What you are describing sounds like you are close and then over-stimulated. At that point you need to prob try a mix of two things: change stimulation pressure/movements, and/or take a short break and have him trace fingers and hands around your legs, inner thighs, tummy – anything you like – even all around the clitoris (sometimes deeper pressure next to it and around the vulva area with his fingers can feel good) then go back to the clitoris with different movements. If it was lighter tickling movements then try a deeper pressure.. maybe him reaching around from behind you even, so his finger can lay across it with broader coverage. Extremely rapid back and forth movements, like vibration, can feel really good and move you back to the almost over the edge place after a short break.. and then into the waves of an orgasm. I will pray that you are finally blessed with an amazing release as you and your husband seek to grow in communication and sexual oneness together!!
Ashlee..
One more thing.. maybe you have but try spending majority of time giving/receiving pleasure all over your body and tease at the clitoris occasionally over and over.. until you can’t stand it and need more direct touch. And still continue to back off multiple times while you want it before you’re overstimulated and then return. Like Sheila says. Pleasure..and more pleasure. God bless!!!
I’ve had two children…. Both Caesarian and will never be able to give a vaginal birth. My husband always starts off with a back rub even often with coconut oil and lots of delicate caressing. We’ve been together for a decade and it seems like if he doesn’t stay stimulating me then the process of even getting close has to start from scratch if he stops for even more than a minuite or two. That’s frustrating since it takes 20-30 minutes of consistent stimulation just to get to the point of “something is about to happen” especially since it can be tiresome and we have small children and both work and need to get to bed. Typically our kids are not totally asleep until like 9:30-10:30 which means it’s 10pm or so before we can even beging to start foreplay. We usually play around until penetration a good while so we take like an hour on average which makes for an already late night. I’m not thinking about how late we’re going during the intimate times. Maybe when we have some real Alone time in the future we will try to “tease” the area. We had many married years before children of trying but just always end at the same result. Someone said maybe going from the almost there to direct ticklish was my orgasm but I just can’t imagine that would be it because it feels like I’m about to… Never feels like I did but once it’s ticklish I’m done. It can’t be stimulated anymore or at least for a good 5-10min and by then starting the process all over again is harder because it takes even longer then the first time of trying…. Usually or almost always I can’t even gets “close” again. He said again last night when trying to hold me down and continue past the ticklish stage (I could only bare 30sec of it) that it sucks that I get so ticklish. I so appreciate the advice and maybe if someone who suffered the same situation but overcame it may find this and give me the key to reaching a true climax! So I hope to get more advice
So I am ecstatic to report back that last night was the first time in my life that I think my body actually became aroused. Do to a yeast infection we were not able to stimulate my private area but just from mental Foreplay and him getting in my head my lady friend began to throb and I felt very warm in that area. When I happens to look down there while showering my lady friend was double or triple it’s normal size. The hood and all was emgorged like an erect clitoris. Touching it felt very different than it has any other time. We have spent an hour or more in the past with foreplay and touch and caressing he and messaging and oral stimulation and I don’t believe I have ever had an erect or aroused vaginal area before even with all the trying. I’m not sure what exactly aroused me but I feel like arousal and how to know of your aroused as a woman is an issue I’ve never seen addressed in depth or properly. I never knew that I WASNT AROUSED all these years. I just thought I was a lemon as far as orgasm goes and that arousal was more emotional forms woman but it’s not all emotional! There was definitely a very physical female erection last night that came on me without even being touched in any way! It came through some steamy text messaging with my hubby while waiting only the kids to go to sleep! Please Sheila brig this issue or a- how to know when your truely aroused as a woman and b- ideas or steps that can get you there. For me touching and stimulating did NOT ever arouse me. I’ve never had a wet dream nor do I have sexual thoughts or fantasies. I do think I need to check my hormone levels but this has been like this my entire life. Even as a teen so hormones never really crossed my mind. One of the articles and steps I the book was to think about sexual things during the day like when doing dishes. Welp that seemed to drastically help my non existent libido and so then my husband began feeding those thoughts and BAM arousal set in! I’m hopeful that this can lead to orgasm some day :))))
Thanks Sheila for having your blog. Its been very helpful.Didn’t have the big O until we had been together for almost a decade and after having my second son. I used to fake it just so my husband didnt’t feel inadequate in any way. Being relaxed and being on top was the secret.I have it at least 95% of the time and I love every minute of it.
Ashlee..
SO wonderful you both are discovering and growing together! May God bless you with full blown pleasure with your hubby!! As women so much of our arousal starts verbally and with mental stimulation..
Yes physical touch has never aroused me before in my life. Actually nothing had. I didn’t even know my body was supposed to do that. We haven’t been able to get that to happen again since and I’m not sure how to become aroused since it only happened once but at least it’s proof that my body actually did experience a physical arousal response at least once in my life. I hopeful it will again someday but so far it’s still the same as it’s always been. Just feels like delicate skin. No blood flow increase no swelling no throbbing no increase sensations. We’ve tried to up the mental stimulation but still nada. I plan on asking my gyn about maybe testing my hormones next time I have my annual which is this month. I’ve asked them about sexual issues in the past and the answer they give me is more foreplay. Well we spend 40+ min in foreplay with no change in my level of arousal. So I would like to at least have my levels checked. I’m still thrilled to have experienced the sensation of arousal. At least I now know what that feels like. I am not even going to bother trying for an orgasm if I can’t even get a physical arousal. I think for all these women out there that have never orgasmed maybe it’s because they are like me and have never experienced a clitoral arousal aka clitoral erection. Even in my youth or when trying to self explore or with my loving husband this has never occurred before. It’s a big deal. I wish I knew how to become physically aroused! At least I know it’s possible for my body to do that and that it’s supposed to.
What if you’ve had many 0’s and don’t enjoy them? I hate the tense feeling leading up to it and don’t much like the explosion of sensation. I prefer calm slow touch to arousing touch. But this does not work for my husband. What I like doesn’t get him going enough and what he wants is painful and / or uncomfortable for me. It is also impossible for him to understand that my lack of o is because I don’t like them, not because he hasn’t done enough.
Wow, I wish that were my problem! I’ve never had an O and would like to at least once.
Great blog, Thank you!
I do think its enjoyable to be intimate with a partner and ok not orgasm every time. But I wonder if men would enjoy sex as much if they didn’t orgasm every time? Maybe some men could fast from orgasming until there wife did.
I think it’s nice for my husband to just make me orgasm. I also think of us as being in an equal partnership so when we both orgasm I am a happy woman!
What I have found to be most helpful in achieving an orgasm is clitoral stimulation through oral sex! Or my husband touching my clitorus during penetration.
Hello all –
My husband is amazing – educated, hard working, independently helps around the house, spiritual leader – he’s incredible. But our sex life has been a struggle since our wedding night. What do you do when your husband struggles with sex? He is always able to perform, says he is interested, but the actual process does not seem to work. I love sex, I want sex, and my body craves sex with him. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally able to have multiple orgasms – even >10 on an amazing day.
BUT, he struggles with pleasing me. I’ve tried to be encouraging and explain what feels good, etc. We’ve tried nonsexual exploration – just so he can sort of get to know my body and figure things out; trying to create no-pressure times of pleasure (candlelight and massage)… He says he wants to perform oral sex, but disliked it whenever we tried. I am willing to try and do just about anything to get this to work.
But at this point, I want to give up. It’s been 5 years with no progress and baggage since the first night. Does anyone have any ideas? Anything at all?
Ask him what it is about oral sex that he doesn’t like. Is it the taste? The smell? Was he trained to think of it as “dirty”? There’s a lot of reasons why some men don’t like it but are afraid to tell us. I know for my husband, he has wanted to do it but said it smelled like fish down there and he couldn’t stand it. Well first off, he was very sensitive to me by stating it that way and it hurt my feelings. Secondly it disappointed me as I knew I’d never be completely satisfied by just intercourse alone but accepted it. Well since that time, we made some changes. If we are interested in trying it, I make sure I wash right before hand to be as clean as I can be. I put a little all natural perfume on my upper thighs and right above my hair line to give extra nice smells. I started taking a probiotic for vaginal care to help balance the flora to smell better. And the best thing, we bought some pineapple oral sex cream and that helped A LOT! He loves the smell and taste (you can get all kinds of flavors) and so do I (as I have used it on him or he kisses me afterwards and I don’t taste or smell myself on his lips). In fact he knows when I’m interested in oral as I always tease him by asking him if he wants to visit my pineapple plantation. That seems to turn him on! lol
With all that said, again I’d try to get to the bottom of why your husband doesn’t like it to see if there is anything you can do to overcome his reluctance. But you won’t know until you ask him in a loving , non condemning way as to why.
Hi Sheila, I never really considered the ‘surrender to the moment’ idea, that’s a great way to think about it. For me, it’s only been in the last few years I’ve been able to consistently have orgasms during intercourse. I’ll be practising surrendering more next time.
Laura
Ashlee…. Thank you so much for your honesty! My story is JUST like yours , the ONLY difference being I gave birth vaginally to three kids. Every single bit of it THE SAME. Married for 10 years and NEVER EVER experienced an orgasm. Didn’t even know what it was until I was so desperate that I watched one happen (online through the cleanest video possible) just recently. I didn’t know that was even supposed to happen. I have always been mentally into it but my body just won’t respond!! Ugh!!! I just went to the doctor and she said everything down there looked good. I asked about hormone testing and she didn’t find that necessary. She said that’s only if I have low libido. My desire for my husband is there but no blood rushes down there. I have always been a shy and modest person so trying to self-stimulate has been so new to me but using hard shower pressure I have been able to arouse myself and swell. So thankfully that works but my husband nor I can do it on our own. I don’t respond to any touch. Licking, sucking, rubbing. Nothing. I’m like you and just want to get the arousal part down first. I want to feel freedom from thinking something is wrong with me which I have thought for 10 YEARS!!! I frustrated that I have been in the dark for so long. I would love to exchange emails with you if you feel comfortable to hear if you have been achieved this, what your process has been and for just mere support. I have reached out to a lot of friends but no one who knows exactly what it’s like. Thank you for seeking out this site and commenting so I could find your comments! I hope we can offer each other support!
I was 30 years married, still crazy in love with my husband, still enjoying sex, but no orgasm. Just joking in a shopping mall one afternoon, I lost a bet and had to go into Ann Summers and buy a vibrator. It turned out to be nice and fun but noisy and still no orgasm. So I online ordered a very unsexy looking mains operated machine. It took nearly an hour of lovely sensation (I had no idea what was most effective) before being surprised by a tsunami as my body took over me. Since then I’ve taught myself what works and I can now reliably orgasm with the vibe in a much shorter time (5-15 minutes). I have found myself much more receptive of pleasure in intercourse now (even without the vibe), as if a gate has been opened to a lovely field of pleasure. It has been a challenge together finding a satisfactory way to incorporate the vibe into our lovemaking (sometimes we agree and I sort myself out afterwards, sometimes we take a break midway to get me there and then continue just us). But while I love having orgasms and now feel a need for them, I also need intimate, heart-meeting sex with my husband and sometimes the quest for an orgasm can really ruin that kind of intimacy. I’ve advised my daughters not to wait 30 years – just learn what gets you to orgasm, teach your husband what to do either with his hand or the vibe and enjoy the full pleasures of making love. I’d ruled myself out of ever experiencing orgasm but I don’t think myself second class because I require a vibe, I’m just grateful.
This post and the comments just make me sad and angry. My fellow men need to step up to the plate!!!!! There are so many way you can make a woman climax! All a man has to do is want to please his wife enough and feel that closeness with her.
I am going to address a few of the above comments and then go from there.
Can a woman orgasm from kissing?
Yes, but it is very rare. In most cases it is just a sense of extreme arousal and generally if you have an orgasm there is no mistaking it. Climax is a full body and mind experience. Endorphins are released in the brain, muscles tighten and loosen all over the body and it feels amazing. There is a reason people become sex addicts. That isn’t an experience easily mistaken.
Can all women orgasm?
Yes, unless there are physical or neurological issues, pretty much every woman can and should reach climax. As stated it is a matter of knowing your own body and what it wants and needs to achieve climax.
Some women need external stimulation, while others need internal. There are others still that need both. Many women have a clitoris that becomes too sensitive after it has been manually stimulated. Lest we forget it has a hood of skin for a reason…use it! Also, don’t forget the clitoris is actually very large and extents internally in a semi circle inside the vaginal canal. It can be stimulated from within as well, but the sensation is very different.
Mel (the smokin’ hot raven haired beauty that commented above) had no idea about many things before we were married. Although she had been married before, she had never been with someone so intent on pleasing her and learning her body. “Experience” has zero bearing on how a man pleases a woman. It’s a willingness to learn her body and what she needs specifically. I have spent hundreds of hours researching anatomy, reading and researching because it’s extremely important. However, the process doesn’t need to be academic. The process doesn’t have to be an awkward process either. It can be very fulfilling to just lay together exploring one another’s body and telling the other what feels best. The Bible says your body is not your own but belongs to your husband and likewise his body is yours. Take advantage of that! The intimacy gained by doing this in a relaxed manner is amazing and really helps bring a couple together.
Orgasm isn’t the goal, becoming one is. If you make climax the goal of any physical encounter then it likely won’t happen. Learn your own body, teach him what you have learned, and watch what happens! The sense of pride he will experience will have him wanting to constantly please you. Look at it this way, if you are clueless then how can you begrudge him being just as clueless? Your body is a foreign landscape that he may know nothing about. Once you give him a map, going from point A to point B becomes easy, fun, and satisfying.
He does not lie:)
We met and married late in life, and my actual words to him after our first time were “someone has been slacking for 34 years.” I had been married before, and had not fully experienced what my body could do, nor had I ever had anyone that cared to give me pleasure or try to find out. I had had what I thought was “good sex” and it was just that “good.” I now have amazing, mindblowing, multi-orgasmic, hot, fulfilling, loving, wonderful sex with a man that took the time to get to know my body and not just stimulate one teeny spot that men think works like a charm. There are WAY more ways than just one to stimulate orgasm in a woman!
I am more than happy to contribute some mechanical techniques if Shelia approves. No, I am not a Dr or a professional therapist but I am a loving devoted husband that does everything possible to make marriage and sex everything God intended it to be.
You know what I’m thinking? I’m thinking I should write a post for men with just this approach! I think I’ve been talking to the wrong crowd for a while. 🙂 I never really thought of that, but thanks for giving me the idea. And totally agree with everything you wrote!
No need to approve this as a public comment, but you have inspired me to start a blog. The g spot is not a myth or a mystery, nor is female ejaculation. All women are multi-orgasmic! Amazing sex is easy if you educate yourself and want it for both parties. This truly does sadden me and makes me very angry at these husbands that don’t seem to want a fulfilled marriage. Those women having trouble being attracted to their chunky husbands would change their tune if they were fully satisfied sexually. Funny how a man can become Brad Pitt when he does the right things, LOL.
Actually, totally agree with that! Anyone can learn to be a great lover. And if he can get the technique down, the rest really doesn’t matter as much!
how can I find your blog big daddy?
Warning! Don’t try googling “big daddy sex blog”. Hahaha. Big Daddy, if you’ve started your blog for men, please let us know the link so we don’t have to search the internet for it and come across things we can’t unsee. :p lol
Thank you for a great site and for the insights and for the direct sex talk. My wife and I have been married many years and experienced many years of great intimacy and huge explosive orgasms on both sides. Mindset plays a huge part in letting go. We have been together for so long that we each know what the other needs and wants and reaching orgasm comes very easy for both of us because I guess there is no expectations. We also are enjoying the empty nest, and sex is great and more spontaneous and orgasms are easier to attain. But we still do the sex texting, the little grabs during the day, maintain a date night and all these things help keep the fire and interest alive. I bring her fresh flowers once a week, and send her long texts about how I love her and what she means to me and all the things I want to do to her when we get together. And one thing that I have done since we met is thank her for the great sex and compliment her on her “skills”. I let her know I appreciate her and how erotic she is. We can also just ask the other at random for sex or for a special technique or even oral and know that we can expect it right then. We have tried to be open about each other’s needs and wants and try to satisfy that desire, and that also goes a long way toward keeping communication open. I can’t imagine life without her.
The problem a lot of couples don’t understand and was not addressed here is that orgasms for women are rarely going to come from intercourse alone. God designed the clitoris and g-spot for a reason yet most couples don’t think about the man stimulating her that way. But that’s how pleasure is often achieved with her. But it doesn’t guarantee an orgasm either. I know as my husband had been trying different ways to please me and so far it hasn’t happened. We aren’t trying to make it happen. Neither of us feel pressured for me to achieve it but one of these days it would be nice. We even bought a vibrating bullet thinking that might help but it doesn’t. All it does is make are hands go numb. So we gave up using it. My husband’s penis does a much better job if he uses it as a vibrator.
Unfortunately the line “It may feel selfish to indulge only one of you,” made me guffaw, given (as Big Daddy above was kind enough to point out) very few men these days seem concerned with indulging their partner as much as themselves. My husband went from a workplace that was predominately female to a workplace that was predominately male, and both have left him frustrated with the attitudes of males under 35.
By the way, did anything in your research show a difference between those who have been married for a short time vs a long time as far a enjoyment of sex? What I have heard from others and what I have experienced myself is sex getting a lot more enjoyable some where between 10 – 15 years. Maybe it is being so comfortable with each other that you can talk about things it didn’t occur to you to be comfortable enough to talk about before as far as interests are concerned… or may just the kids might finally be old enough that your not sleep deprived and can get some alone time on occasion… or maybe it is just a coincidence.