Is sex boring because foreplay is nonexistent?
Today we’re going to solve that problem–and make foreplay sizzle!
We’re halfway through our 29 Days to Great Sex, the blog series leading up to the launch of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! (Update: Now Available!)
Yesterday we talked about how most women don’t necessarily feel “in the mood” before you start making love–it’s more a by-product of making love. But what if you never actually get aroused? That’s a problem!
And it’s likely because you’re not doing enough of the things that arouse you. So today, Day 15 of 29 Days to Great Sex, let’s talk today about foreplay: what it is, how to make it great, and how to figure out what you like.
Before we do that, let’s go over some misconceptions about foreplay:
1. Foreplay can get too clinical
If there’s too much “spend two minutes touching her breasts and then four minutes between her legs” while she lies there, it’s hardly going to be fun. It can seem like it’s rote–like he’s doing it just to get going, sort of like you prime an engine before it actually turns on. And if he aims for an especially sensitive area before you’ve spent any time kissing or holding each other, it can seem very intrusive.
For foreplay to be pleasurable, it needs to be part of the whole experience–not just something you have to do and want to get over with so that you can get to the main event.
Touching and exploring each others’ bodies should be fun. Foreplay, then, doesn’t always have to be the same thing, for the same amount of time. And if you spend a lot of time in foreplay, it can seem much more intimate, and it can make actual intercourse that much more intense.
2. Foreplay can be a one-way street
If foreplay consists entirely of him touching you (because he’s already in the mood, and you’re not), then it can make a lot of women feel somehow inferior. What’s wrong with me that I’m not ready?
Instead, make it about both of you. Touch him, too, so that it’s about feeling each other and experiencing each other, not just him making you try to catch up to where he’s already at, as if there’s something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you–and foreplay, when you both touch each other, makes sex so much more intense.
3. Foreplay can be routine
While there are certain things that feel good to women, if you do too much of the same thing it can get boring. What really makes a person aroused is a whole combination of things–feeling loved, feeling a little bit teased, having all the nerves firing. And one can do that in different ways. One of the sexiest things sometimes is to have your husband touch everything, very slowly, EXCEPT your real erogenous zones. That makes those zones ever so much more sensitive. So you don’t always have to do the same thing every night. And you don’t always have to use just fingers, either. Kiss each other. Feel with the whole hand. Rub your hair over him. Be creative. The more you get involved, the more exciting and fun it will be.
4. Foreplay can be too rough
Men like to be touched intimately much more firmly than women do. Men like to be squeezed, but if a guy touches a woman’s erogenous zones the way he likes to be touched, it’s going to hurt–or at least be very uncomfortable. Many women, when they’re new to sex, experience this and think, “I guess I don’t like my breasts touched”, or “I guess I don’t like foreplay.” That’s not true. He’s just never touched you the way you need to be touched.
For foreplay to be pleasurable, it needs to be part of the whole experience–not just something you have to do and want to get over with so that you can get to the main event.
Now, let’s look at: How to Make Foreplay Wonderful!
1. Tell Him What You Like
Here’s the hardest part: you’re going to have to communicate. Many women in the comments to this series have said that their husbands don’t touch them properly, and so why should they want to make love? But I wonder if they have ever told their husbands. It’s hard to be that personal, because many of us are embarrassed about what we’re feeling. And if something doesn’t feel good, we start to wonder if there’s something wrong with us.
If you’ve been married for quite some time and you’ve never told him that something that he does turns you right off, it can be even harder, because will you be hurting his feelings?
I know this is a sensitive subject, but you have to let him know. He honestly wants to give you pleasure, but he doesn’t know how you feel. So if he’s doing something a little bit too roughly, or not hitting exactly the right place, move his hand and show him. If you’re a little brave, you can even touch yourself and show him what you like.
Sometimes showing him how to touch you is easier if you begin by asking him how he likes to be touched. Experiment a bit and say, “Harder? Softer? More? Less?” If you’re asking the questions, he may then return the favour.
2. Be an Active Participant
Feel him. Touch him. Change positions. Don’t only lie there, waiting for him to turn you on. If you’re active, the experience is more intimate, and you’ll enjoy it more!
3. Drag it Out to Relax You
Start with a bath or a massage to help you relax. Enjoy being naked together.
4. Don’t Rush It
Finally, don’t rush it. Give yourself proper time to get aroused, and for many women that takes a good 15 or 20 minutes. If you’re each doing things, and you’re relaxed, and you’re laughing together, too, that’s much better than feeling like “after he’s been touching me for 2 minutes I should be ready to go, so I guess we’ll just start”.
If you’re not sure what you like, and you’ve always been nervous about having all the attention on you during foreplay, I’d challenge you to redo the challenge from Day 5 and just let him feel your body for 15 minutes, while you don’t move. In fact, this is a great assignment to do over and over again! It takes the pressure off of you feeling like you should be ready, and it teaches him to figure out what you like (while also showing you what you like).
Remember, foreplay isn’t optional. Most women are not “wet” enough to make love comfortably without some stimulation first. It’s not like intercourse is the main event, and everything else is sub-optimal. The whole experience is part of sex, not just intercourse. And foreplay is vitally important, because it helps focus you not just on your genitals, but on your hands, your eyes, your mouth–everything. In many ways, it’s actually more personal, and even more intimate, than intercourse. So try to ramp up foreplay, and you’ll find sex more exciting!
Good Girl Challenge 15: Spend at least 15 minutes in foreplay
Seriously. Set the timer and don’t let yourself start intercourse until you’ve been kissing and exploring for at least 15 minutes. And show him what you like! Guys, if you’re reading this and your wife is shy, take the initiative and ask her. Finally, throw yourself into it, too. Touch him, and have fun! Your bodies are yours to explore. Don’t shortchange the time!
This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!
Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?
Want to try new things--but don't know how to start?
No more wondering how to talk about what feels good or what you'd like to try. This fun challenge will get you talking and trying new things without the awkward.
Coming up: How to Orgasm and The Pleasure Centre
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Dealing with Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10: Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 13: Getting Your Head in the Game (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay? (This one!)
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Foreplay starts before you get to the bedroom too! My husband usually starts it in the kitchen while we’re making dinner! 🙂 Then we have the whole rest of the evening looking forward to what’s going to happen later, by then, it’s ON!
OH, and the teasing…that makes the waiting even hotter! 🙂 OK, I’m embarrasing myself…
thanks for another great blog day!
Absolutely! It starts long before the bedroom.
I would like to say how wonderful this series your doing is. First off christian woman need to know its alright to love and have sex with “our” husbands!! Great job on the taste that you put on these posts too!! Ok “foreplay” I can say that over the last several months we have really devoted time to this area. Its been a missing piece for sure in our marriage. I used to let him do the deed and not really do anything to please him in that way however I cant begin to tell you the difference it makes when you both try to open up and please each other. Our marriage is stronger and our talks are sweeter… XOXO
I’ve discovered something–post play isn’t so bad either. 😉
🙂
Thanks a million for being so transparent and for putting it all out there. I have been married for over 12 years and I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m of another faith and I speak another language but your posts are just doing so much to my marriage at the moment you will never know. I finally came to understand myself and my husband. Thank you Sheila.
What is post play?
I know this is an old post, but I thought I would answer what post play is for us.
Post play for us is what happens after we have finished making love. Typically with me (husband) on top, and just looking into her eyes and telling her I love her, caressing her face, or sides, or breasts gently. These are non-sexual sort of touches, but very intimate. Before getting off of her, and out of bed I’ll often place my hands near or above her breasts, and just slide them along her skin, down both sides of her body, and then gently graze the sides of her vaginal area, and sometimes all the way down both legs to her feet. Depends on what I’m in the mood for.
Then, as we get ready for bed, or are cleaning up after, I continue to caress her as I see fit. Again, non-sexual touches, and at random times so she knows I still desire to be close.
I hope that helps someone who finds this old post.
wife and i love what you have to say…keep up the good work and you will be blessed
Tracie do you have any advice for somebody who is considered a sex addict by their husband? I mean we maybe have sex once or twice a week, and I try and initiate it more but he just gives me funny looks. Also it seems like he is the only one getting pleasure. He know what I like, but I don’t think he enjoys doing it. Do you have any advice for me?
One of the best tools for foreplay, I think, is the game Bliss. We have loved it, and its all about foreplay. You set your starting ‘temperature’ and how fast you want to advance. We think the game doesn’t have an ending point, it just goes until you stop playing — though the actions get hotter and hotter the longer you play. Oooh, its steamy! Its a computer game, and downloadable, and not all that expensive (less than $20, I think). We have a tendency to just jump to the “home run”, but Bliss got us slowing down and letting both of us get really hot. Its a ton of fun!
Hmmm. We tried the trial version of Bliss and didn’t like it. Maybe we didn’t play long enough, but it seemed stupid to us. Maybe I’ll have to try it again…
Is there oone of these blogs geared towards husbamds too?
I loves all these challenges but as im reading, i see tons im doing but not gftting the same responce as you are expecting. Im not sure he would read it (stuborn) but i could read it to him lol
Krystal, when I originally wrote the series I wrote it for women. But my ebook 31 Days to Great Sex is coming out next week, and it’s addressed to couples. Just stay tuned for the announcement!
My husband and I have been trying to do these challenges…I’m having a really hard time. in fact I can relate to Krystal who posted above about not getting the reaction it feels like I am supposed to be getting (from my husband). For instance the challenge on day 5 where he is supposed to touch me, well he massaged my legs for about 3 minutes while I laid there naked and feeling super awkward, then I said why don’t you try giving my back a massage and so after about a minute if that he checked his phone where the timer was…needless to say it completely made me feel horrible about the whole thing and not into it anymore. after checking the timer he then immediately started touching my “traditional” erogenous zones. it was disappointing, unfulfilling and honestly made me not even want to continue the challenges. he never tells me in beautiful or compliments me, he never touches me or snuggles me unless he wants sex. I feel so alone and thought this would help, but I feel like everything you are saying about things he is going to love doing aren’t happening. during the challenge where I was supposed to name parts of my body I like…I couldn’t even name one! we talked and I cried and he said he would try harder to let me know he is attracted to me, a week later and he hasn’t given me one compliment. I feel like giving up. we’ve been married for almost five years, I was a virgin when we got married and we are both Christians. I just feel like I am missing out on a part of my marriage that we should be enjoying.
there is so much more, but I just wanted to give you some feedback I guess and vent to get this our there because I feel like I don’t have anyone I can talk to about it.
I know it’s been 4 years since you commented and I’d like to say I pray things have gotten better with you and your husband. As women it’s hard communicating our needs then not getting them met but we have to keep trying. Maybe counseling would be a good option for you if you are still struggling to get your husband to understand your needs.
My husband loves having sex everyday with me as we are now together from more then a year. But the problem is he just wants me to satisfy him doing all the acts he likes but he has never done a foreplay before sex just directly sex he needs and one more thing whenever he is having sex with me he watches porn movies and his eyes are on tv or laptop and I am left there lying on bed feeling hopeless. Is this act normal? I love him & I want him to know that even i have emotions & I want him to look at me & feel me while having sex or making love. I seriously need a good advice please. Thanks
Hi Sarah,
No, this is absolutely not normal, and it’s not right, and it needs to be stopped. If he’s having sex with you while watching porn, then it’s not real intimacy. He’s just using you. And that’s so awful and so lonely for you!
I’ve got a list of the Top 10 Effects of Porn, and one of them is that people become very selfish lovers–no foreplay, etc. And then I have a post on 4 things to do if your husband uses porn. I hope those help!
If it’s okay to do so, I’d like to recommend a resource: Mark Gunger, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage Seminar. The whole thing is on Youtube. One of his final sessions (#4? or 5?) is on the bedroom, and he explains the dangers of porn, plus how it robs those who practice it of ever experiencing great sex (differentiating between physical release and a true orgasm). It was so well done, and also funny at the same time; even though we’ve never had a problem with porn in our marriage, his insights were helpful in dealing with past (childhood) abuse, and seem like they’d be great at opening up conversation for those dealing with this evil.
BTW, we are enjoying your blog series — so helpful! Thanks very much.
It takes 15-20 minutes for foreplay to work? :.( there’s no way my husband would be ok with devoting that much time to foreplay (he calls it lovy dovy stuff). I hate initiating, if I ask he’s like “ok, but I don’t feel like doing any of the lovy dovy stuff” which = painful, dry sex and no fun for me. Saying that makes me feel selfish, but I’d rather not have to be treated for Vaginismus again. I try to show him what I like but he gets frustrated and tells me “I got this” then after a couple of minutes stops, says “it’s not going to work anyway” , then on with his favorite part. Maybe I should be thankful it doesn’t hurt any more. He’s frustrated nearly every time that I don’t climax, but how can I? I’ve never climaxed durring sex, its either hurt to the point of bringing me to tears, felt like nothing, or im so stressed about the whole event I barely remember it. I feel like that broken toy that winds up halfway but only takes three steps. If I knew sex was going to be this way I would have stayed single.
Victoria, I don’t have any specific advice, but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I might have climaxed once, if that, in 1.5 years of marriage. I both want sex to be better and half don’t care…it seems overrated.
Have you told your husband that sex without foreplay hurts? Doing at least a little bit is a necessity for a woman to be physically ready. Yes, it’s much different than a guy (0 to 60 in a minute or two), but it is how we’re made. I would hope that he would love you enough to not hurt you. If he is disappointed by you not climaxing, foreplay is the first place to start. How on earth are you supposed to enjoy something that hurts?!
Praying for you!
My husband is the same. Not to that extreme, when we do have sex I do climax, but he hates spending time on foreplay. I doubt I could ever get him to do 20 full minutes of it. 🙁 And because I know he doesn’t like spending time on it, I feel rushed and move onto sex even if I’m not completely ready.
My battle right now is just getting HIM in the mood or convinced enough to have sex. He has a low sex drive and we haven’t had sex in a month. I’m the one having to give him one sided foreplay to try and get him in enough of the mood to want to do it.
I’ve started to give up though because he seems to enjoy turning it into some sort of challenge of how long he can hold out or making “playful” comments that I’m apparently not trying hard enough. Or I get, “oh, you must really want it. You’re putting a lot of effort in.” And then he just lays there. Like it’s some sick game to him. 🙁
Wow, J, that’s so sad! Do you know why he has a low sex drive? It may be worth getting to the bottom of it. Considering he’s also treating you so disrespectfully and almost contemptuously, I would just want to make sure that it’s simply low testosterone and not porn use or secret maturbation. Often when guys aren’t interested in foreplay, unfortunately, that may be the cause. I’m not saying it is; it’s just good to try to figure out why. And if it is porn, it really can’t be tolerated, because these sorts of things will only get worse.
I’m so sorry!
After I typed that out I actually used some time during our work day breaks to talk to him about it and I was able to put into words how I felt. I always have trouble with that in the moment. He’s always had a lower sex drive than me. It has almost completely dropped off lately though. We talked and it turns out he’s been distancing himself from his emotions as a coping mechanism or safety zone because we live with family at the moment (not the happiest household). And it ended up effecting his sex drive and ability to want intimacy. 🙁 Now that we’ve talked he’s really going to work on it and we’re going to work together to bring our intimacy back. 🙂
Oh, I’m so glad! That’s wonderful!
He’s being totally selfish if he’s not willing to practice foreplay to get you to the point you need to be. That’s how a woman often works. He can’t expect you to have an orgasm when he hasn’t done his part to warm you up. I would suggest seeing a therapist/counselor to help you both see what he’s doing is causing damage to your relationship.
I’m super grateful that my husband understands the need for foreplay. In fact sometimes I’m so hot and ready I’m wanting to dive right in and have a quickie and he wants to be more intimate and spend longer at foreplay than I do. In some ways we are wired so differently than other men and women. But I respect his wishes and it draws us even closer when we are not always in a hurry trying to rush it. In fact, sometimes we have sex 2 or 3 times in a row with having more foreplay to give him time to recoup. It’s awesome!