Is sex boring because foreplay is nonexistent?

Today we’re going to solve that problem–and make foreplay sizzle!

We’re halfway through our 29 Days to Great Sex, the blog series leading up to the launch of my new book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! (Update: Now Available!)

Yesterday we talked about how most women don’t necessarily feel “in the mood” before you start making love–it’s more a by-product of making love. But what if you never actually get aroused? That’s a problem!

And it’s likely because you’re not doing enough of the things that arouse you. So today, Day 15 of 29 Days to Great Sex, let’s talk today about foreplay: what it is, how to make it great, and how to figure out what you like.

Before we do that, let’s go over some misconceptions about foreplay:

1. Foreplay can get too clinical

If there’s too much “spend two minutes touching her breasts and then four minutes between her legs” while she lies there, it’s hardly going to be fun. It can seem like it’s rote–like he’s doing it just to get going, sort of like you prime an engine before it actually turns on. And if he aims for an especially sensitive area before you’ve spent any time kissing or holding each other, it can seem very intrusive.

For foreplay to be pleasurable, it needs to be part of the whole experience–not just something you have to do and want to get over with so that you can get to the main event.

Touching and exploring each others’ bodies should be fun. Foreplay, then, doesn’t always have to be the same thing, for the same amount of time. And if you spend a lot of time in foreplay, it can seem much more intimate, and it can make actual intercourse that much more intense.

2. Foreplay can be a one-way street

If foreplay consists entirely of him touching you (because he’s already in the mood, and you’re not), then it can make a lot of women feel somehow inferior. What’s wrong with me that I’m not ready?

Instead, make it about both of you. Touch him, too, so that it’s about feeling each other and experiencing each other, not just him making you try to catch up to where he’s already at, as if there’s something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you–and foreplay, when you both touch each other, makes sex so much more intense.

3. Foreplay can be routine

While there are certain things that feel good to women, if you do too much of the same thing it can get boring. What really makes a person aroused is a whole combination of things–feeling loved, feeling a little bit teased, having all the nerves firing. And one can do that in different ways. One of the sexiest things sometimes is to have your husband touch everything, very slowly, EXCEPT your real erogenous zones. That makes those zones ever so much more sensitive. So you don’t always have to do the same thing every night. And you don’t always have to use just fingers, either. Kiss each other. Feel with the whole hand. Rub your hair over him. Be creative. The more you get involved, the more exciting and fun it will be.

4. Foreplay can be too rough

Men like to be touched intimately much more firmly than women do. Men like to be squeezed, but if a guy touches a woman’s erogenous zones the way he likes to be touched, it’s going to hurt–or at least be very uncomfortable. Many women, when they’re new to sex, experience this and think, “I guess I don’t like my breasts touched”, or “I guess I don’t like foreplay.” That’s not true. He’s just never touched you the way you need to be touched.

For foreplay to be pleasurable, it needs to be part of the whole experience–not just something you have to do and want to get over with so that you can get to the main event. 

Now, let’s look at: How to Make Foreplay Wonderful!

1. Tell Him What You Like

Here’s the hardest part: you’re going to have to communicate. Many women in the comments to this series have said that their husbands don’t touch them properly, and so why should they want to make love? But I wonder if they have ever told their husbands. It’s hard to be that personal, because many of us are embarrassed about what we’re feeling. And if something doesn’t feel good, we start to wonder if there’s something wrong with us.

If you’ve been married for quite some time and you’ve never told him that something that he does turns you right off, it can be even harder, because will you be hurting his feelings?

I know this is a sensitive subject, but you have to let him know. He honestly wants to give you pleasure, but he doesn’t know how you feel. So if he’s doing something a little bit too roughly, or not hitting exactly the right place, move his hand and show him. If you’re a little brave, you can even touch yourself and show him what you like.

Sometimes showing him how to touch you is easier if you begin by asking him how he likes to be touched. Experiment a bit and say, “Harder? Softer? More? Less?” If you’re asking the questions, he may then return the favour.

2. Be an Active Participant

Feel him. Touch him. Change positions. Don’t only lie there, waiting for him to turn you on. If you’re active, the experience is more intimate, and you’ll enjoy it more!

3. Drag it Out to Relax You

Start with a bath or a massage to help you relax. Enjoy being naked together.

4. Don’t Rush It

Finally, don’t rush it. Give yourself proper time to get aroused, and for many women that takes a good 15 or 20 minutes. If you’re each doing things, and you’re relaxed, and you’re laughing together, too, that’s much better than feeling like “after he’s been touching me for 2 minutes I should be ready to go, so I guess we’ll just start”.

If you’re not sure what you like, and you’ve always been nervous about having all the attention on you during foreplay, I’d challenge you to redo the challenge from Day 5 and just let him feel your body for 15 minutes, while you don’t move. In fact, this is a great assignment to do over and over again! It takes the pressure off of you feeling like you should be ready, and it teaches him to figure out what you like (while also showing you what you like).

Remember, foreplay isn’t optional. Most women are not “wet” enough to make love comfortably without some stimulation first. It’s not like intercourse is the main event, and everything else is sub-optimal. The whole experience is part of sex, not just intercourse. And foreplay is vitally important, because it helps focus you not just on your genitals, but on your hands, your eyes, your mouth–everything. In many ways, it’s actually more personal, and even more intimate, than intercourse. So try to ramp up foreplay, and you’ll find sex more exciting!

Good Girl Challenge 15: Spend at least 15 minutes in foreplay

Seriously. Set the timer and don’t let yourself start intercourse until you’ve been kissing and exploring for at least 15 minutes. And show him what you like! Guys, if you’re reading this and your wife is shy, take the initiative and ask her. Finally, throw yourself into it, too. Touch him, and have fun! Your bodies are yours to explore. Don’t shortchange the time!

This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!

Do you find it hard to talk about SEX?

Want to try new things--but don't know how to start?

No more wondering how to talk about what feels good or what you'd like to try. This fun challenge will get you talking and trying new things without the awkward.

Coming up: How to Orgasm and The Pleasure Centre

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