17 Comments

1. Megan Elzey on February 13, 2012 at 8:13 am

   I am loving these! So far I have mostly been skipping around and trying to catch up, but when my husband comes back from a conference trip on Wednesday we are going to go through them all.
   We are in a much different place than most people. Two years ago, three weeks after our third child was born, my husband moved out. That began what ended up being a two month separation during which he was involved with another woman. Up until then, my husband and I had only been with each other sexually. We were high school sweethearts who waiting until we were married to have sex. He ended the affair and decided to come back home and try to rebuild our marriage. Needless to say, we have climbed over many hurdles to get to where we are, but I can honestly say that our marriage is better than it ever has been. We have learned so much about ourselves, our marriage, and God through this whole thing, and I am incredibly thankful for it. Our sex life has even been better than it was. I do have to say, though, that this area was one of the biggest hurdles for me. I have had to mourn the fact that now my husband has been with someone other than me sexually, and I think I will be dealing with that in some fashion for the rest of my life. But, with conscience effort to be a godly wife and with almost ceaseless prayer, I have come to truly move past the pain and thoroughly enjoy being with my husband.
   I guess I am proof that marriages can survive and thrive after an affair, even sexually, but it does take work!

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2. Ann on February 13, 2012 at 1:26 pm

   Sheila,
   What a great series – informative, straight to the point, and a lot of fun to read as well! Thanks for bringing a touchier subject out in the open to get fresh air and lots of sunlight. This will be a blessing to many women!
   ~Ann

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3. kristin on February 13, 2012 at 9:04 pm

   Boy is this right up our alley! I have been working on communication with my husband, not just in the bedroom, but in every aspect of our daily life! Thanks!

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4. Toasty on February 16, 2012 at 12:58 pm

   At some point, though, the wife has to make the decision to focus on her husband and the sexual activity at hand. Otherwise, the constant talking and planning is just another excuse and is a rejection of her husband. She’s saying, “You’re not important enough for me to spend the mental energy to think about you, even when you’re right here and I am mere inches away or less.”

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   • Sheila on February 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

     Yes, that’s very true. There is a balance. But I do find for many women that if they have that chance to unwind and share their concerns with their husbands, it’s easier not to get distracted!

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5. Malee Edwards on February 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

   Unfortunately, Sheila, I have a husband that I have a very hard time talking to! He’s a ‘silent’ person and for the first 5 years or so of our relationship (3 dating, then married) I felt like he was punching me in the face every time I tried to talk to him about my feelings. Not literally though!!! He’s never laid a hand on me. I just mean, it was a painful, almost a physical type blow when I would come to talk to him and he would say these words, literally, word for word; “I don’t care about your feelings. I don’t want to hear about them.” I used to wonder if he even had feelings! Instead of talking with me about things, he would tell me he didn’t want to hear it or he would walk out as I was speaking. Many times he would just turn the tv up all the way until he couldn’t hear me over it. And share his own feelings? He would deny even having feelings! Now, he has changed so much over the years you wouldn’t believe he was ever like that but those years of rejection from him turned me into a different person as well. Instead of sharing my feelings, I keep my mouth shut and listen to what he has to say. Normally, I don’t share anything personal during these conversations. I don’t go to him and start a conversation about my feelings, either. I know this is not right. I know I need to share my feelings with him, both for his sake and my own, but I think we’re lost as to how to get back to the middle ground here. I need to feel like he’s a safe person to share my feelings with and I don’t feel like that. He no longer tells me he doesn’t want to hear it cause he knows it’s important for me to share and for him to listen but he really doesn’t listen well. I’ll say something and he gets upset and then he hijacks the conversation. When that happens, we still end up in the same place. He talks about his feelings, I listen and leave the conversation feeling like I wasn’t heard (which I wasn’t) and that nothing got solved (which it didn’t). That happens most often but then there are other times that I’ll try to talk to him and instead of just listening and accepting what I’m saying, he tries to fix me. I guess my problem is, do you have any suggestions about how we can get back to a middle ground?. A place where we can both sharae feelings and hear one another? Our marriage is pretty good in all other areas. Even with all the communication issues, sex is still really good, too. I’ve been reading these posts from the start but my husband will be joining me in reading them as of today! (he FINALLY replied to me about doing them with me so I sent him day 1 and 2 just this morning!) Anyway. Any suggestions are welcome cause I really need to re-learn how to share again!!! Even if marriage is good, I believe here’s always something we can do to improve, right?

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   • Sheila on February 16, 2012 at 2:56 pm

     Absolutely, Malee! There’s always somewhere we can improve.

     One thing that rarely works, though, when communication has been difficult in the past is to set aside times to talk. It’s just stressful and can often backfire. A better thing to do is to remember that in general men like communicating “side by side” rather than “face to face”. They’d rather talk while they’re DOING something. So can you take walks together? Take up hiking together? Take up fishing? Take up a sport or a hobby? If you’re already doing something and having a fun time, it’s often easier to talk than it is to say “every evening after dinner we’re going to sit across the table and try to share our feelings.” So I’d say work at finding things that you do well together, and then do them, even if it’s just painting a room together or fixing up the house or gardening or anything. That makes talking more natural and less stress-inducing. Hope that helps!

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     • Malee Edwards on February 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

       Thanks, Sheila. My husband has been sick with a cold for a week so we;’ve had a week of “hands off” between the 2 of us. lol. Last night when we went to bed I just wanted to tell him my feelings about it. Not because I want him to do anything to fix it! I was sick the week before he got it so I know exactly how awful he feels and certainly don’t expect him to preform sick just so I can have some fun cause really, that’s not fun at all for either of us in the end! Anyway, I said in a joking tone of voice, ‘I’ve been feeling neglected this week.’ Now, he didn’t get really offended and angry but he did say, ‘I’ve been sick…’ I stopped him before he got too far and said that I just wanted to tell him my feelings and that was all. I didn’t want him to do anthing about it except accept that I was feeling neglected. We didn’t have a fight about it, neither of us got mad or anything, but it wasn’t an easy conversation, if you know what I mean? We went to sleep with no hard feelings between us or anything but it was hard for me to share even the little bit that I did about my feelings and I think it was hard for him to listen without defending himself or telling me why it’s wrong for me to feel like that. However, having shared that little bit without any ‘fixing’ type words from him really helped me to feel better about maybe being able to share more in the future. Plus, he then told me this morning that Focus on the family has been doing a series of radio shows this week that he’s been listening to and, finally after many years, he’s beginning to understand that he really needs to listen to me without trying to fix or talk me out of the feelings that I have. It’s ok for him to not understand my feelings. It’s even ok for him to not agree with my feelings but he needs to keep quiet and listen because, even if my feelings ARE wrong, they’re MINE, and I have a right to feel them. After he told me that this morning, I really feel that there is hope for us to get back to a middle ground. Also, lying in bed at night before we go to sleep seems to be a good “side by side” place for us to talk, strangely enough! Our hobbies are too different to be compatible for this. 🙂 He plays golf and I crochet/knit! However, since we’re both trying to get to sleep at that time of night, any conversations we have there will need to be short! We’ll have to try to find a different activity we can do together for the longer conversations!

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       • Sheila on February 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm

         That’s great, Malee! It sounds like you had a real breakthrough. And isn’t it neat how God was laying the groundwork with your husband by putting that on FOTF just when he needed to hear it? That’s wonderful! I hope that you keep growing together.

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6. Heather on February 25, 2012 at 1:25 pm

   I love this idea! As a homeschool mom, I don’t get to talk to adults all day long. In the evenings, I’m always busy getting the kids ready for bed and straightening up, and he’s always busy getting ready for the next day’s work. By the time the kids are asleep, he’s ready to jump to the ‘main event’ and I’m just not. He wonders why I want to read a few emails & blogs beforehand. It’s something I’ve mentioned to him before, I want that friendship time too.

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   • Sheila on February 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

     Heather, get your husband to read the post :). Then maybe he’ll see why you need that download time.

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7. Dawn on June 5, 2012 at 11:45 pm

   Oh my goodness, THIS. I suddenly realized why it makes me so irritated when my husband kisses me to cut me off mid-sentence. I know he thinks it’s sexy and funny and just like all those Hollywood scenes where talky women suddenly go weak and insensible in the intensity of desire – and meanwhile I want to pull away and smack him for not respecting whatever it is I’m saying and my need to say it! It is a total turn-off but I have never been able to articulate to him why! It will be so helpful to be able to communicate this clearly, and to help me control my own reaction now that I understand it.

   Great series. Hubs is out-of-town at the moment but when he gets back we are sitting down and going through this together!

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   • Sheila on June 6, 2012 at 8:55 am

     Dawn, so glad you “get it”! Maybe he will now, too. I really find that a lot of what is in movies is just plain wrong, but we compare our lives to that and then think there’s something wrong with us, when there’s not!

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8. Alyssa on August 17, 2012 at 9:55 pm

   What do I do when I want sex significantly more often than my husband does? He says in his effort to stay pure before marriage he trained himself to shut off sexual desire most of the time. But now that we’re married he still lives in his old habits and doesn’t seem willing to make new ones. He says when he’s not in the mood it’s really hard for him to be enthusiastic (even though he tells me he loves when I initiate he rarely responds).

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9. Ashley on July 17, 2013 at 12:49 pm

   I once heard a pastor talk about how he and his wife have a special candle or maybe a Scentsy that one or the other would turn on to signify that they wanted to have sex. Has anyone heard of this or tried it?! If so, boils you please explain how you made it work?

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10. Kate on July 21, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    My fiancé and I stumbled across this blog and have been reading and discussing together. Thanks for so much straight forward and practical advice! I struggle with feeling sexy even though my fiancé always tells me, very sincerely, how attractive he finds me, so the early posts about getting comfortable in my own skin have been helpful. My fiancé and I are so excited for our wedding, our first night, and our marriage! We believe discussing these topics while living purely waiting for marriage is teaching us to communicate well before we ever enter into marriage and the intimacy of our sex life together. He is my greatest gift and blessing, and we are getting even more excited to fully give of ourselves to one another!

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    • Sheila on July 21, 2013 at 9:07 pm

      Awesome, Kate! I wish you all the best. And just a reminder–my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has a whole chapter on starting your marriage–and your honeymoon! I think you’ll love it if you’ve enjoyed this series!

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