It’s our 29 Days to Great Sex event, leading up to the release of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (update: now available!), and I want to recap what we’ve done so far and let you in on what’s ahead this week.
We’ve looked at how to reframe how think about sex, how to reframe how we think about our bodies and about pleasure, and even how to think of our husbands differently. We’re looked at how to get in the right frame of mind during the day by flirting, and playing, and preparing for the evening.
This week we’re going to look at what to do when the evening finally arrives.
Today’s challenge is all about getting our heads in the game.
Let me start with some basics that many men and women don’t understand about female libido, and it goes like this: if our heads are not in the game, our bodies won’t follow. If we are distracted by anything, then it’s difficult to get aroused. This is the exact opposite of men, whose bodies often react to visual stimuli even if they ARE distracted and don’t want to be thinking about sex. Most men react almost automatically; women need to decide to react.
Today we’ll learn how to stop being so distracted!
This content is now exclusive to 31 Days to Great Sex, the book.
Part of the 29 Days to Great Sex series has been removed from the web, but it’s all available in 31 Days to Great Sex–which is only $4.99 in its ebook format!
Sheila is also the author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex.
29 Days to Great Sex: The Series
Previous:
Day 1: The Act of Marriage
Day 2: Starting Fresh
Day 3: Loving the Skin You’re In
Day 4: Pucker Up!
Day 5: Reawaken Desire
Day 6: Why Your Hubby Wants You!
Day 7: Understanding Differences in Sex Drives (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 8: 14 Ways to Play as a Couple
Day 9: Prepare for Sex throughout the Day
Day 10:16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband
Day 11: Show Affection (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 12: Hitting the Reset Button on Your Sex Life (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Next:
Day 14: What if You’re Not “In the Mood”?
Day 15: What is Foreplay?
Day 16: How to Orgasm
Day 17: The Pleasure Center
Day 18: Foreplay Can Be for Him, Too!
Day 19: Little Changes that Increase Pleasure for HER and for HIM (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 20: Deciding on Sexual Boundaries (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 21: 5 Ways to Spice Things Up
Day 22: How Often is Enough?
Day 23: Quickies Are Great!
Day 24: Initiate, Baby!
Day 25: Sex Once Kids Come (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 26: New Positions to Try–to Ramp Up the Fun! (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 27: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy when you Make Love
Day 28: Being Mentally Present When You Make Love (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
Day 29: Celebrate! And Keep Up the Momentum (BONUS content in 31 Days to Great Sex)
31 Days to Great Sex also has days that include keeping the bedroom inviting, challenging both of you (but especially HIM) to be more affectionate, when (and if) you should consider scheduling sex, and more!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am loving these! So far I have mostly been skipping around and trying to catch up, but when my husband comes back from a conference trip on Wednesday we are going to go through them all.
We are in a much different place than most people. Two years ago, three weeks after our third child was born, my husband moved out. That began what ended up being a two month separation during which he was involved with another woman. Up until then, my husband and I had only been with each other sexually. We were high school sweethearts who waiting until we were married to have sex. He ended the affair and decided to come back home and try to rebuild our marriage. Needless to say, we have climbed over many hurdles to get to where we are, but I can honestly say that our marriage is better than it ever has been. We have learned so much about ourselves, our marriage, and God through this whole thing, and I am incredibly thankful for it. Our sex life has even been better than it was. I do have to say, though, that this area was one of the biggest hurdles for me. I have had to mourn the fact that now my husband has been with someone other than me sexually, and I think I will be dealing with that in some fashion for the rest of my life. But, with conscience effort to be a godly wife and with almost ceaseless prayer, I have come to truly move past the pain and thoroughly enjoy being with my husband.
I guess I am proof that marriages can survive and thrive after an affair, even sexually, but it does take work!
Megan Elzey recently posted…An early Valentine
Sheila,
What a great series – informative, straight to the point, and a lot of fun to read as well! Thanks for bringing a touchier subject out in the open to get fresh air and lots of sunlight. This will be a blessing to many women!
~Ann
Ann recently posted…Are You Aging Well? (Or: Botox And The Beast)
Boy is this right up our alley! I have been working on communication with my husband, not just in the bedroom, but in every aspect of our daily life! Thanks!
At some point, though, the wife has to make the decision to focus on her husband and the sexual activity at hand. Otherwise, the constant talking and planning is just another excuse and is a rejection of her husband. She’s saying, “You’re not important enough for me to spend the mental energy to think about you, even when you’re right here and I am mere inches away or less.”
Yes, that’s very true. There is a balance. But I do find for many women that if they have that chance to unwind and share their concerns with their husbands, it’s easier not to get distracted!
Unfortunately, Sheila, I have a husband that I have a very hard time talking to! He’s a ‘silent’ person and for the first 5 years or so of our relationship (3 dating, then married) I felt like he was punching me in the face every time I tried to talk to him about my feelings. Not literally though!!! He’s never laid a hand on me. I just mean, it was a painful, almost a physical type blow when I would come to talk to him and he would say these words, literally, word for word; “I don’t care about your feelings. I don’t want to hear about them.” I used to wonder if he even had feelings! Instead of talking with me about things, he would tell me he didn’t want to hear it or he would walk out as I was speaking. Many times he would just turn the tv up all the way until he couldn’t hear me over it. And share his own feelings? He would deny even having feelings! Now, he has changed so much over the years you wouldn’t believe he was ever like that but those years of rejection from him turned me into a different person as well. Instead of sharing my feelings, I keep my mouth shut and listen to what he has to say. Normally, I don’t share anything personal during these conversations. I don’t go to him and start a conversation about my feelings, either. I know this is not right. I know I need to share my feelings with him, both for his sake and my own, but I think we’re lost as to how to get back to the middle ground here. I need to feel like he’s a safe person to share my feelings with and I don’t feel like that. He no longer tells me he doesn’t want to hear it cause he knows it’s important for me to share and for him to listen but he really doesn’t listen well. I’ll say something and he gets upset and then he hijacks the conversation. When that happens, we still end up in the same place. He talks about his feelings, I listen and leave the conversation feeling like I wasn’t heard (which I wasn’t) and that nothing got solved (which it didn’t). That happens most often but then there are other times that I’ll try to talk to him and instead of just listening and accepting what I’m saying, he tries to fix me. I guess my problem is, do you have any suggestions about how we can get back to a middle ground?. A place where we can both sharae feelings and hear one another? Our marriage is pretty good in all other areas. Even with all the communication issues, sex is still really good, too. I’ve been reading these posts from the start but my husband will be joining me in reading them as of today! (he FINALLY replied to me about doing them with me so I sent him day 1 and 2 just this morning!) Anyway. Any suggestions are welcome cause I really need to re-learn how to share again!!! Even if marriage is good, I believe here’s always something we can do to improve, right?
Absolutely, Malee! There’s always somewhere we can improve.
One thing that rarely works, though, when communication has been difficult in the past is to set aside times to talk. It’s just stressful and can often backfire. A better thing to do is to remember that in general men like communicating “side by side” rather than “face to face”. They’d rather talk while they’re DOING something. So can you take walks together? Take up hiking together? Take up fishing? Take up a sport or a hobby? If you’re already doing something and having a fun time, it’s often easier to talk than it is to say “every evening after dinner we’re going to sit across the table and try to share our feelings.” So I’d say work at finding things that you do well together, and then do them, even if it’s just painting a room together or fixing up the house or gardening or anything. That makes talking more natural and less stress-inducing. Hope that helps!
Thanks, Sheila. My husband has been sick with a cold for a week so we;’ve had a week of “hands off” between the 2 of us. lol. Last night when we went to bed I just wanted to tell him my feelings about it. Not because I want him to do anything to fix it! I was sick the week before he got it so I know exactly how awful he feels and certainly don’t expect him to preform sick just so I can have some fun cause really, that’s not fun at all for either of us in the end! Anyway, I said in a joking tone of voice, ‘I’ve been feeling neglected this week.’ Now, he didn’t get really offended and angry but he did say, ‘I’ve been sick…’ I stopped him before he got too far and said that I just wanted to tell him my feelings and that was all. I didn’t want him to do anthing about it except accept that I was feeling neglected. We didn’t have a fight about it, neither of us got mad or anything, but it wasn’t an easy conversation, if you know what I mean? We went to sleep with no hard feelings between us or anything but it was hard for me to share even the little bit that I did about my feelings and I think it was hard for him to listen without defending himself or telling me why it’s wrong for me to feel like that. However, having shared that little bit without any ‘fixing’ type words from him really helped me to feel better about maybe being able to share more in the future. Plus, he then told me this morning that Focus on the family has been doing a series of radio shows this week that he’s been listening to and, finally after many years, he’s beginning to understand that he really needs to listen to me without trying to fix or talk me out of the feelings that I have. It’s ok for him to not understand my feelings. It’s even ok for him to not agree with my feelings but he needs to keep quiet and listen because, even if my feelings ARE wrong, they’re MINE, and I have a right to feel them. After he told me that this morning, I really feel that there is hope for us to get back to a middle ground. Also, lying in bed at night before we go to sleep seems to be a good “side by side” place for us to talk, strangely enough! Our hobbies are too different to be compatible for this. 🙂 He plays golf and I crochet/knit! However, since we’re both trying to get to sleep at that time of night, any conversations we have there will need to be short! We’ll have to try to find a different activity we can do together for the longer conversations!
That’s great, Malee! It sounds like you had a real breakthrough. And isn’t it neat how God was laying the groundwork with your husband by putting that on FOTF just when he needed to hear it? That’s wonderful! I hope that you keep growing together.
I love this idea! As a homeschool mom, I don’t get to talk to adults all day long. In the evenings, I’m always busy getting the kids ready for bed and straightening up, and he’s always busy getting ready for the next day’s work. By the time the kids are asleep, he’s ready to jump to the ‘main event’ and I’m just not. He wonders why I want to read a few emails & blogs beforehand. It’s something I’ve mentioned to him before, I want that friendship time too.
Heather recently posted…Valentine Treats
Heather, get your husband to read the post :). Then maybe he’ll see why you need that download time.
Oh my goodness, THIS. I suddenly realized why it makes me so irritated when my husband kisses me to cut me off mid-sentence. I know he thinks it’s sexy and funny and just like all those Hollywood scenes where talky women suddenly go weak and insensible in the intensity of desire – and meanwhile I want to pull away and smack him for not respecting whatever it is I’m saying and my need to say it! It is a total turn-off but I have never been able to articulate to him why! It will be so helpful to be able to communicate this clearly, and to help me control my own reaction now that I understand it.
Great series. Hubs is out-of-town at the moment but when he gets back we are sitting down and going through this together!
Dawn, so glad you “get it”! Maybe he will now, too. I really find that a lot of what is in movies is just plain wrong, but we compare our lives to that and then think there’s something wrong with us, when there’s not!
What do I do when I want sex significantly more often than my husband does? He says in his effort to stay pure before marriage he trained himself to shut off sexual desire most of the time. But now that we’re married he still lives in his old habits and doesn’t seem willing to make new ones. He says when he’s not in the mood it’s really hard for him to be enthusiastic (even though he tells me he loves when I initiate he rarely responds).
I once heard a pastor talk about how he and his wife have a special candle or maybe a Scentsy that one or the other would turn on to signify that they wanted to have sex. Has anyone heard of this or tried it?! If so, boils you please explain how you made it work?
My fiancé and I stumbled across this blog and have been reading and discussing together. Thanks for so much straight forward and practical advice! I struggle with feeling sexy even though my fiancé always tells me, very sincerely, how attractive he finds me, so the early posts about getting comfortable in my own skin have been helpful. My fiancé and I are so excited for our wedding, our first night, and our marriage! We believe discussing these topics while living purely waiting for marriage is teaching us to communicate well before we ever enter into marriage and the intimacy of our sex life together. He is my greatest gift and blessing, and we are getting even more excited to fully give of ourselves to one another!
Awesome, Kate! I wish you all the best. And just a reminder–my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex has a whole chapter on starting your marriage–and your honeymoon! I think you’ll love it if you’ve enjoyed this series!