Do you still flirt with your husband?

When we’re dating we flirt. We wink at him. We take his hand. We give him that “come hither” look.

But when we’re married, too often we stop flirting.

Why flirt when you’ve already got him? And if you flirt, you may give him the idea that you’re definitely going to deliver tonight. You wouldn’t want to promise anything like that.

But there’s a problem with that strategy. For women, our primary sex organs are our brains. For us to get in the mood, our brains have to be engaged. Take flirting out of the equation, and you take away one of your primary tools for boosting your libido!

We’re 1/3 of the way through our 29 Days to Great Sex challenge, celebrating the launch of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and yesterday we looked at how to prepare for sex throughout the day. We weren’t looking at anything particularly frisky; just things to make you feel more at ease, more confident, and less tired.

But today we’re going to turn it up a notch, and look at 16 ways to flirt with your husband! Just as playing with your husband helps you laugh together, flirting helps you to laugh–and binds you together because you share a relationship with your spouse that is totally unique.

Here are some ideas to get the flirting rolling:

16 Ways to Flirt with Your Husband

1. Leave a love note on the mirror:

Using a dry erase marker (or even lipstick!), leave a love note on your honey’s bathroom mirror. To be even bolder, draw a picture of what you want to do later.

2. Kiss in the car at stoplights!

That never gets old. And don’t forget at least one 15 second kiss a day!

3. Have a secret code phrase

Want to tell him you think he’s hot? Try a secret code phrase, like “Are we due for an oil change?” No one else will know what you really mean but him, so you can say it in front of the kids, in front of your parents, in front of anybody!

4. Play the fortune cookie game

Fortune cookie: You have unusual equipment for success. Use it wisely.

Whenever you get a fortune cookie, mentally add the words “in bed” to the end of it. You’ll giggle together at a Chinese restaurant as you pass them to your husband, but no one else will know why you’re laughing!

(PS: My husband and I actually got that fortune cookie once! Too funny!)

5. Grab some flesh

When he’s walking by, smack his butt!

6. Set up a cozy love nest for watching movies

Want to watch a flick tonight? Share pillows and a blanket and play footsie, says J, from Hot, Holy and Humorous. And one respondent on my survey for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex says that she and her husband have “topless movies” where they snuggle up under the blankets minus any tops. Tons of fun!

7. Ask your husband to choose your panties for the day

If he chooses them, he’ll be picturing you in nothing but them–all day.

8. Leave sticky notes in unexpected places

And try to always use the same color so he knows they’re from you! If you are near his place of work during the day, stick under his windshield whipper. Get the waitress to put on his plate when you are eating out. Get the kids in on it too!

9. Text, text, text your husband

Text him about anything–song lyrics, memories of fun times you’ve had, what you’re wearing, what you’re thinking about.

Woman Smiling at phone


10. Stick Notes in his lunch

One fan on my Facebook Page shared this idea:

I also write stuff on his brown bag lunch. For a while, I thought it might embarrass him. But when I stopped, he pouted. They aren’t always “sexy”. Some are just sweet. But tomorrow’s lunch has written in red letters: For my Red Hot Lover! 😉 *grins*

11. Flirt in a crowd

Catch your husband’s eye in a crowded room and wink at him. Pass him a note that says you’re available and you think he’s cute, says Gina Parris.

12. Flash him–but not in public!

“Yes, this is ridiculously forward, but if you do it, while he’s watching TV,and then just walk away, at least you will have raised his blood pressure – and raised your own sexual energy for a greater chance of engaging in a little more fun,” says Gina.

One of my commenters on this site also recommended doing chores vigorously–and bralessly–so he can appreciate the bounce! When you mop the floor, wear a skirt but go commando and get down on all fours to see if he notices.

13. Stick a surprise somewhere interesting

Another Facebook Page reader emailed me this tidbit:

My husband recently got back from a long out of state trip. It was late when he got home but I was expecting him 🙂 He quickly showered and came to our room in new underwear (that was a color! something I had been longing for in a long time). He said “I have something for you” I thought it was the underwear..and I commented on how nice they were between smooching. “No I have a gift for you in them.” I thought he was just being cheeky, of course he is a gift! 😉 So I reached on in and there was a jewlery box!!!! That was not what I expected! It was a sweet gift, and his creativity was so memorable! 🙂 He has inspired my own games of hide and seek, may it be a note written with a wash off marker under my panty line or some little item in my bra…it is a fun way to play every now and then.

14. Go commando

Forget donning knickers under that dress or skirt for your date, then whisper to him in the restaurant what you’re doing tonight. (from J at Hot, Holy and Humorous).

15. Play “Strip” Anything

Turn any board game in your home into a sexy time by adding “strip” to the beginning: Strip Battleship (an item of clothing for each sunk ship), Strip Scrabble (for every word worth 20-30 points), Strip Monopoly (every time you pass go or an item of clothing to get out of jail), etc.

16. Play Footsie

When you’re at a restaurant with tablecloths, slip your shoe off and let your toes explore his legs. Get him all worked up while you carry on a normal conversation!

SIDENOTE: If your problem isn’t how to flirt with your husband per se, but rather getting your husband to notice you, or getting your husband interested in you again, then never fear! I have some other posts that may be more useful. I’ve got a post if you’re desperate for your husband to find you attractive again and for your husband to initiate sex, and I’ve got a series of posts for when your husband isn’t interested in sex. I hope those help!

Now back to regular programming–let’s talk about flirting with your husband again!

Flirting Rules of Engagement:

Now, a few ground rules. When you flirt with your husband, you’re telling him, “I’m interested. I find you attractive. I want you.” After all, the whole point is to get your husband to notice you so that he’ll know, “she wants to do something more tonight!” So if you do start flirting, then, you’re going to have to make sure you add some sex, too, or else your guy is going to be getting very mixed messages (and he’ll be very frustrated).

But does flirting mean that you have to follow through each and every time? No, not necessarily. But allow me to let you in on a little insight. Men don’t just want sex because it physically feels good. They want to feel wanted. Flirting is one of those ways that they feel wanted. And if it’s followed up by regular and frequent sex–say a few times a week–most guys won’t mind if you don’t have sex one night, even if you did flirt. When men get regular and frequent sex, they become much more secure and confident in the fact that we love them.

One of the reasons that men often seem desperate for sex is because they’re desperate to know that they actually are desired. It’s not only the physical release they need; it’s that emotional and even spiritual validation that says, “I value and want you.” When they’re getting that from you regularly, then you have a lot more room to play, and kiss, and flirt, without necessarily having to make love right then and there. When you’re not making love with your husband frequently and regularly, though, he’ll be much less able to let these little things go.

Men don’t just want sex because it physically feels good. They want to feel wanted. 

So if you’re thinking to yourself, “every time I kiss my husband he wants it to go somewhere“, or “every time I flirt he wants something else“, that may be because your husband is insecure about whether you really want him, because sex is infrequent, or perhaps because you never initiate when you make love.

We’re going to talk more this month about how to get you more in the mood and how to make it more fun and less stressful for you so that you do desire sex more often. But for right now, here’s the message: flirting is a fun way to play with your husband, to boost your own libido, to get you thinking along those lines, and to make your husband feel wanted. And if it’s combined with regular sex, you’ll feel much more confident in your relationship if you throw in some of these fun ideas!

Here’s today’s challenge, then:

Great Sex Challenge 10: Flirt with Your Husband!

Sprinkle these ideas into your next few days, until they become natural. And think of some of your own! Throw yourself into them. Have fun with them. Get in a truly flirty frame of mind, and you may find that your own libido goes up because the fun quotient in your marriage goes up!

This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an e-book!

Feeling sexually disconnected?

Like you've lost your groove?

Like you're on two different planets when it comes to sex in your marriage? 

31 Days to Great Sex can help you talk through what's gone wrong and try some new things to figure out how to make it RIGHT!


31 Days to Great Sex also has days that include keeping the bedroom inviting, challenging both of you (but especially HIM) to be more affectionate, when (and if) you should consider scheduling sex, and more!

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