Last week I wrote about whether or not pornography use was the equivalent of romance novels, which caused quite a stir in the comments. The main purpose of the post was on investigating whether or not porn is cheating, and the idea that romance novels can be dangerous came up. But I didn’t really have room in that post to elaborate. I think, though, that it warrants its own post. So here goes!
The problem is that many books fall under the category of “romance novels”, anything from Jane Austen to Janette Oke to Nora Roberts to Karen Kingsbury to whoever it was who wrote Twilight. Yet these books are really very different genres, despite the “romance” moniker. So how do you decide whether or not they’re really beneficial–or at least not harmful–to read? (and if the problem is that your wife reads romance novels, skip to the bottom for some thoughts!)
In the comments section people were making a distinction between the typical “bodice ripper” romance novels, with descriptive sex scenes, and your Janette Oke romances. But I’m not sure the line can be drawn so easily, and it’s not always about what genres or publishers they have. For instance, I’ve read some Christian romance novels lately that, while you couldn’t call them soft porn by any stretch of the imagination, were still Christian in Name Only. They had breathless kissing scenes, and the main relationship between the woman and the man seemed to be a physical attraction, and not a deep friendship. So here would be my warning signs for novels that could verge on dangerous to read:
1. Reading Erotic Novels is Always Dangerous
If you walk into a regular bookstore and go to the “romance” section, you’ll predominantly find books that were written with highly erotic scenes in them. The whole plot revolves around a woman falling in love with a man, and the romance is highly sexualized in nature.
These novels were written to be titillating, and I really don’t think there’s a huge difference between this and porn. It’s “soft porn”, and indeed many women find themselves far more aroused by reading something like this than they would be watching porn on a computer. So women who devour novel after novel like that aren’t that much different from men who watch porn all night. I’ve written more about the dangers of erotica, too.
2. Romance Novels That Stir up Dissatisfaction
Then there are “romance novels” which aren’t sexual, but could still prove to be a danger if they stir up dissatisfaction with your mate. For this type, you need to know yourself. For instance, I love Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility (both by Jane Austen). They’re beautifully written, they’re wonderful prose, and they’ve got amazing characters. I consider them works of art, and I so appreciate them. Plus I find them so much fun!
But let’s face it: if you’re really dissatisfied with your marriage, it may be best to steer clear of these, even if they aren’t written to be sexually stimulating. Books are an entirely different medium than movies. When we read, we take part in creating the story because we have to participate in picturing it and putting images to the words. Thus, we become really emotionally engaged in a book, often more than we would in a movie. So when you’re unhappy in your marriage, a book can be “an escape” where you experience something very different. That type of escape can be dangerous if you’re trying to get away from a marriage that isn’t healthy.
Some people can eat a handful of chips and then stop. Other people, once they take that first handful, will devour the whole bag. We each need to be aware of our own temptations. For many of us this type of book really doesn’t cause a problem, because it’s just the story that we enjoy, and we don’t see it as reflecting on our marriage. But if you’re struggling with your relationship and with accepting your husband, and if you’re struggling with feeling emotionally drawn to other men, it’s probably wise to avoid even these.
That’s why I find making a statement that “these books are fine” but “those books are not” aren’t really helpful. It really depends on where you are in your marriage.
3. Books That Give an Unrealistic View of Marriage
Finally, I’d include books that give an unrealistic view of what marriage or love is supposed to be. Books like the Twilight series would fall into this category. In Twilight, for instance, love devours you. It’s something that no one else can understand. The Twilight depiction of true love is something that’s secret, it’s all encompassing, and it excludes others.
Too many teens are growing up thinking that this is the picture of true love. When you love someone, the world will be against you. No one else will understand you. Your parents won’t understand. Your friends won’t understand. It’s just you and him against the world. It’s actually quite similar to Romeo and Juliet. It’s more about obsession than it is about a love that perseveres, day after day.
I’m wary of these especially for younger girls, even if they don’t really have sex scenes in them. Love should be portrayed as something which grows your life, not shrinks it so that it’s only that guy and you. So be careful of this!
I’d also put some of the Christian books I’ve read lately into this category. The “romance” doesn’t consist of a deep friendship that’s rooted in something strong; it’s all about feeling “breathless” when you’re near someone, or having one’s heart race. It’s describing that original feeling of headiness and attraction, but not something that’s a good foundation for marriage. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone. But when the plot involves attraction and really very little else, I worry that it’s sending the wrong message. It’s portraying marriage as something which is always going to be characterized by major attraction, and that rarely lasts, nor is it enough to build a relationship on. My teenage daughter wrote a post recently about why she hates Christian fiction, and a lot of this is exactly the reason!
I think that covers the major genres.
Of course, I don’t want to be legalistic about this, because I have to admit that I’ve enjoyed some novels that aren’t of the romance genre that have some sex scenes in them. I tend to skip over those scenes, in the same way that I fast forward through some scenes in movies, because I like the rest of the book. It’s not like I’m perfect in this area by any stretch of the imagination. For instance, I’ve appreciated Ken Follett’s Pillars of the Earth series, though it has racy scenes. And there are others that would fall under this category.
The difference between that and porn is that these scenes are only a part of the whole, and a small part at that. They can be ignored. On the other hand, when it comes to more soft porn books like Nora Roberts’, or actual porn movies, they can’t be separated. That’s the main event. That’s the reason it’s written.
So I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule for romance novels–other than the soft porn genre–as to which are okay and which aren’t.
I think you need to be aware of your own danger areas, and steer clear of those. And if you find that in reading books you start to ignore your real life, or have the urge to escape your real life, then they’re probably not a helpful use of your time! On the other hand, if you just find them fun, and you can read a book every now and then for relaxation, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Know yourself, and be faithful to your responsibilities and your marriage, and other than that, it’s up to you. But one last warning–
Don’t Forget About the Danger of Progression
Quite often we start reading the “harmless” novels–the Janette Oke, the Amish romances, the good clean Christian books. But then we want a little more. So we branch out a little. And pretty soon, before you know it, we’re reading erotica. They do tend to feed the appetite for more. I’ve known so many Christian teens who just devoured all the romances in the church library, and then headed to the public library for more, and ended up almost addicted to really steamy stuff. So be careful. Don’t let an appetite for something relatively innocent feed an appetite for something that’s not.
Thoughts for Guys Whose Wives Read Romance Novels
I know many people who wind up on this post are guys who are distressed because their wives read these steamy romance novels all the time but seem to refuse romance with you! That’s definitely a problem. A couple of things that can help:
Read this post on how Kindles can wreck your marriage about how erotica actually undermines a good sex life.
Here’s a post on achieving spiritual intimacy when you make love. When a woman is escaping to novels, you’re probably not feeling very intimate. Why don’t you read this together?
Talk to her about it. Share what you want out of your marriage, and ask her what she wants. Ask her if she can set aside certain times during the week when you do things together and rediscover each other. That’s often a better route than asking her to quit entirely–unless we’re talking erotica, and then she really does need to quit.
My book 31 Days to Great Sex takes couples through a bunch of exercises to improve their emotional, spiritual, AND physical intimacy. You talk and laugh a lot! And you’ll talk specifically about what real intimacy is. That may be a way to open the door to communication about what she’s doing to your marriage.
Now, what do you think? I’d love to know! And if you think other women would benefit from this post, please hit the Facebook button on the right (as well as the Like button!) or share it on Twitter! Thank you!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As always, an insightful and spiritually balanced post. I appreciate your maturity and frankness!
I have never “found” another woman who shares the same opinion about romance novels as I do! I could not agree with you more. The realization of what romance novels were (at least to me), hit me like a ton of bricks about five years ago. We were doing a Fireproof bible study at church and the subject of temptation/sin came up. Up to this point, I could never really pin-point why these books were not good for me. However, after studying, I came to realize that they stirred up negative feelings in my heart and mind: eroticism and dissatisfaction with my own marriage. Never mind that up to this point, I had been very satisfied in my marriage.
I made the decision to stop reading romance novels. I don’t watch movies that stir those feelings inside of me, either, even if they are “okay” to watch by the general public (PG, PG-13, etc). While many women might read and watch movies and books in order to stir feelings inside of them, they always made me feel dirty and unclean. I don’t slight women for watching and reading movies and books, but it is just not the path for me.
Thank you for discussing this topic.
What genre of books do you read ? Or does this last statement mean you don’t read anything?
I love your willingness to tackle tough issues head-on. I would add that romance permeates almost every genre. Even in mysteries, thrilers, science fiction, and fantasy, there is usually a love interest; some are handled well, some are not. My approach has been to mostly read positive books and filter through those with questionable parts.
I’ve long thought that Romeo & Juliet was hardly the quintessential love story. It was about teenage first-love obsession that led to suicide. Great drama, but not a model for relationships. Then again, few people want to read a novel about the day-in/day-out work and commitment that goes into making a great marriage. They want the fantasy that it could all fall into place one day and they could simply live happily ever after.
Great thoughts, Sheila!
Love your comment about Romeo and Juliet. While romance novels aren’t always the equivalent of Shakespeare, they are often far more positive about the relationships between people!
I completely agree and appreciate this post! I, myself, realized the need to back away from “stir up dissatisfaction” books not too long ago. My husband’s struggle and commitment to stay away from all things pornographic should be my commitment as well. As he honors me in what he looks at, I should do the same. It can be difficult finding a “good read” without these factors, but it is well worth it! The first step is for us as women to realize that these two things are similar and to recognize them when we see them. Thank you for helping with that first step!
God Bless!
Erin
I agree with the assessment that it is up to each person to know themselves and know whether the book is appropriate for them and their situation. I would disagree, respectfully, of just skipping over parts of a book and calling it good. I’m all for throwing the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to books or movies, although I am in now way perfect on this or do it myself every time. But if I have to skip over a sex scene or any other scene in a book, then the book is probably not for me. Maybe that’s just my way of doing things? Although I watch the Office and am a fan, and that’s got plenty of bad things in it. See? I’m definitely not doing it all the time. LOL
Thanks for your post Sheila. What do you think of the Janette Oke “Love Comes Softly” series? It’s very cheesy at times – I have all the movies- but I love it! 🙂
Be blessed!
Great post, Sheila! I think this is an issue often overlooked since it’s easy to say that it’s “not that bad”. I think one of my main objections to romance novels is that nearly all the ones I’ve read feature a Christian women who falls in love with a bad boy of some kind, and after much attraction and some type of misadventure, he becomes a Christian (or turns back to the faith he abandoned years ago) and they get married right away. I personally think it’s a bad example to young women desiring to be married – the “flirt to convert” idea doesn’t take into account the importance of spiritual depth and maturity in the man who will be the head of her household.
Great point, Kari!
May I throw out a challenge on the concept of “skipping” scenes with bad content, but indulging in the rest of it? This is one area that God has been really convicting me of. Like Kari noted, one of the biggest excuses I used to watch and read content was “well, it’s not as bad as…” Several years ago, God rescued me from an addiction to pornography, and as a result, what I watch and read has dramatically changed–to the point where reading the synopsis of even some movies from the 40s and 50s makes me just skip them completely.
But I’m not “out of the woods” yet; I have to set my standards higher; movies, music, PC/console gaming, web browsing, text messaging, etc. are all things that affect our hearts and minds. I’m personally wrestling with the need to get rid of some games because of bad language and violence (Battlefield 3 for example) with no way to disable it or turn it off.
I think this is an excellent post! I love to read and always have. My mom and I read the books by Gilbert Morris about Cheney Duvall, and they really gave me unrealistic expectations for my husband! It was something that I had to fight after getting married, to realize that Shiloh was a made-up character and that my husband was his own person and didn’t have to be just like a character in a book. I had heard of soft porn, but I didn’t really know what it was (I thought it was also something visual) until I started reading some books by Elizabeth Chadwick. I really enjoyed the books as I learned a lot about 12th and 13th century Great Britain, but the sex scenes in them were too much! I probably won’t read anything else by her because of scenes like that; they permeate the whole book! I think parents probably should be doing more to prepare their girls for the things they encounter in books and helping them to have more of a sense of how God wants relationships to be. I really appreciate you bringing issues like this up as they cause me to think about what we need to be preparing our children for and also for the way they challenge me and help to grow in the Lord.
I cannot read romance novels without feeling voyeuristic. I can get caught up in the romance and start sledge hammering my marriage apart. Why doesn’t my husband woo me like that? I see Christian romance novels no different than secular romance novels with the exception that the Christian version is softer porn. For me those books are destructive. Sure they can be intriguing but at what cost? I’ve had to put books like that away. I read a series, the ones labeled “Love Comes…”. Even watched the Hallmark series…my sister and I jumped with every new book/show. Then I began tearing apart my marriage and how my husband didn’t measure up in certain areas…with a fictional character!!! Ugh. How horrible it must have been to have been my husband during that time. Marriages do not need things like this.
Wow Heidi, I wish I could get my wife to read your comment. I’m stuck in the middle of her and all her “book boyfriends” and it’s so frustrating! But even worse is that she thinks there’s NOTHING wrong with what she’s doing meanwhile our relationship is in the ruts.
Seriously this is ridiculous first of all a romance novel is fictional the characters aren’t real there something to entertain us if you can’t read one without feeling like your husband isn’t good enough that’s a much deeper problem you both need to work on you can’t place the blame on harmless books I’ve been an avid reader my whole life with romance novels being my favorite And yes I’ve ready plenty of erotic ones and I have a very happy marriage we have been together eight years and have twin daughters erotic novels can not wreck your marriage only you or your partner can do that
Thank you for addressing this topic. I find it very hypocritical when people condemn those who watch porn, but then read erotica disguised as a romance novel. As for the rest of the romance novels, I hadn’t really considered that if, for example, you are reading Pride and Prejudice and resenting your husband the whole time for not being more like Lord Darcy, then it’s an issue, too. I guess anything where you escape your marriage and resent your husband more, is going to cause a real issue.
I don’t think the occasional, temporary, life escape is bad IF you are escaping for the purposes of relaxation(i.e. it was a long day at work, you aren’t ready to talk right now and you just want to read and have a long soak in the tub), but not if you are escaping completely so that you don’t EVER have to face an issue that is ongoing.
So maybe that is another topic for 2012. When Me Time Eliminates Us Time(or something like that) LOL.
Totally agree! Thanks for taking on this topic, I believe it needs to be brought to light. For many women Romance Novels is where they get their “fix”! I love to read and there is nothing then a better written novel with amazing characters. Pride and Prejudice is my absolute all time favorite. The people are real, but I could go on and on! Anyway, women need to be weary of how the novels they are reading can hold their husband up to an unreal exspectation. Even if the marriage is a good one and not overly romantisized. The reality is, it is not your husband, it is not who God created him to be and you should not be holding him to this standard.
Love that you brought up this topic!
Blessings, Kate @One Flesh Marriage
I do appreciate the post, it is definately something that affects many women!! I admit that I have read all of the above variety of romance novels in the past (definately not an addiction though, I don’t have enough time for that, lol). I I think it’s too bad that you labelled Nora Roberts as “soft porn”. She is my favorite non-Christian author BECAUSE her books (all the one’s I’ve read anyway) are NOT all about sex, she weaves fantastic plots, mysteries and intrigue – yes there may be some “scenes” but those scenes are not the main event. Many of the authors that have sex-scenes as the main event are way more graphic and do not even come close to writing skills and plot like Nora Roberts. Anyway, I know it’s hard to give examples without someone objecting, I was just disappointed that Nora Roberts books were put in the same catagory as “no name smut/erotica” authors (if you know what I mean)
I understand your objection, but I do think that Nora Roberts’ sex scenes are deliberately written to be erotic. Certainly the whole book is not non-stop sex, as “erotica” would be, but the whole relationship is leading up the sex, and the sex is really the main event. So I do have a hard time calling these books anything else. But I think it’s really something that each person has to decide for themselves. I really don’t want to be legalistic about it; I’m just saying what I think. I don’t think there are hard and fast “rules”.
Dear Anon-
I used to LOVE Nora Roberts novels- but the sex scenes in her books are definitely erotic and descriptive enough to be labeled as soft porn. I am not going to lie, she writes a great, great story but I gave these books up years ago as I was convicted to stop. I found myself comparing my husband to the guys in the books who were written by a woman! It is the same thing as a man comparing me to a woman in a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. It is very destructive to your marriage- whether you are married or not because we do carry the idea that “that is how a man should be”. I was sad to give them up because I truly enjoyed them, but I did and I never looked back. The stories were great but they weren’t worth settling for less than awesome in my marriage.
Aly 🙂
I used to read Nora Roberts back in my early to mid thirties (I’m in my late forties now), but I stopped, not because it was affecting my marriage in anyway, but the sexual content, which I do agree is soft porn, was not something good for my soul. Whatever darkness we allow into our souls stains them and makes it harder to clean out. As an Orthodox Christian, I’m called to become holy, a Saint through cooperation with God’s grace in transforming me into who He created me and all human beings to originally become — like Him through Grace. So, I donated all the books to the local library, or gave them away through charitable donation trucks. Yes, there’s no denying that Roberts is a very good writer. I read her books for the suspense more than the romance. I appreciated the romance, but I think eventually, it got to me and so did the violence, which I don’t handle well. It seemed some of her books later on were becoming more graphic sexually, violently, and profanity-wise, so I quit reading them in my late thirties. Thanks for this great article. I enjoyed reading it.
Wow! I was just pondering this the other day as I have a teammate who is definitely being influenced by the ‘harlequin’ type romances she reads. She even knows that she feels more dissatisfied with her mate the more she reads them but still won’t put them aside.
I just came to the same conclusions you have fleshed out in your article, on my own. But now my mate will be able to read your article and understand what I was trying to say by comparing them to porn!
Thank you for your well written post!
I love this dialogue – great insights! I’ve always loved reading, mystery, historical fiction, romance, almost always Christiam authors. I am happily married to a perfect-for-me wonderful guy. We have three girls age 5 and younger. last Christmas we went to a Christmas event which included a night at a hotel. we had our 6 month old with us. I knew my husband had intimate ideas, but I was SO tired – our baby just wasn’t sleeping well at all. When our baby finally went to sleep, i came to bed, and we went to sleep without my husband’s plans materializing. The next morning on the way home, he wasn’t his usual positive self and when I inquired what was going on, he said something like this: “You don’t have the energy for me, but last night you were reading that “stupid” romance novel (as I nursed the baby) and now you are reading it while I am sitting right here next to you. You don’t have time for me but you have time for a book!” Ouch – that hurt! The book itself wasn’t really a problem – it was that it was getting in the way of “us”. In general, my rule of thumb is this: if my husband or kids asked me to ready to them aloud, would I? Could I?
Interesting question, and great point: could you read it aloud to your husband? If you’d be embarrassed, there likely would be a problem!
Now I have to admit to reading when I do need to relax, and sometimes my husband really needs to give me time to relax. But yes, those times shouldn’t get in the way of “us”.
Oh! That’s a good test – would I read this aloud!
Personally, the romance genre isn’t really my thing, but as far as reading things that make us dissatisfied with our lives? Well! That’s why I don’t subscribe to any of the women’s magazines! Suddenly my living room doesn’t measure up, my bedroom needs a makeover, and let’s not get started about the menu!
Argh!
Great point, Julie! It’s just not good for our mental health to always being thinking of how our lives don’t measure up.
Hi! Love this post and wanted to add my few words here. I think command for Christians is this – ‘whatever is good and pure… think on those things…’. I think too often we make MAJOR compromises for the sake of entertainment. Whether that be books, movies, TV shows, etc. For me, I haven’t really had a problem with any sort of romance novels… until I read Twilight. I got so pulled into those books it was crazy. And they can’t even come CLOSE to soft porn, as they are geared to teens. Stephanie Meyer wrote them in a way that is incredibly seductive WITHOUT ever saying the ‘words’ if you know what I mean. I think that is a huge part of the Twilight craze – it’s women and their lust for either Edward or Jacob. I wrote about the dangers of Twilight in a post that was quite popular on my blog –
http://www.unplugyourfamily.blogspot.com/2011/08/trouble-with-twilight-part-1-sexy-candy.html
What Twilight made me do is question my marriage. Question if I really was ‘in love’. Because this ideal of love was so powerful in these books – I mean, surely, I’d never felt THAT was about my husband! But, that’s the lie that so many of these books sells. That love is a feeling and that lust equates love. Maturity tells us otherwise.
I really love the book “Not Even a Hint” by Josh Harris. IT’s all about lust. In it, he talks about how him and his wife make media choices. I think it’s a great standard…. Ask yourself this: “Can I thank God for this (movie, book, etc.)?” If you can, then it’s probably healthy for you. If you can’t ditch it. It is a tough standard, I’ll admit… but if your spiritual health is a priority, it’s a good place to head.
xo
Cass @ The Unplugged Family
Sheila,
I want to give a compliment that you are perhaps not accustomed to getting, and to be honest, I’m not sure if you would find it to be a compliment or not. But I do mean this as a good thing.
I am not a Christian woman. I won’t go into the reasons why; I simply am not religious. But, nevertheless, I have found your website to be a great source of guidance and uplifting advice. Maybe it’s surprising (or maybe not) but a non-Christian marriage can have similar values. For different reasons than you would, my husband and I waited until marriage to make love, we do not believe in divorce, we do not endorse pornography, so on and so forth. There is a big difference in that we do not read the Bible, but I hope that won’t keep you from thinking that I am being truthful in what I say.
Your views on marriage and life in general are uplifting. You make me laugh and you have given me some great advice. I have been nervous to comment, afraid that you would not welcome what I have to say, and if you don’t I will respect that. But I finally decided to say something after reading this post, because it is something I have been wondering about myself (being a woman who loves to read romance novels, but gets confused about the morality of it all when I come across a sex scene or a “romance” that is based on lust instead of friendship and commitment.) I am very appreciative of your dedication to being frank and honest. You do not pretend to “know” the answers, you simply state your beliefs in a very respectful way. Even as a non-Christian I have never felt under attack or disrespected here. Not everything you write applies to me, of course, but I think you are a wonderful person and that, whether or not I personally believe in God, your faith shines through you in a way that even “someone like me” can observe.
I hope you continue to write for a long, long time. I will continue to read your blog and I can not wait for your book!
– Allison
Allison, that’s so sweet! Thanks for commenting. I certainly don’t “mind” you being here even if you don’t share my religious views. We can still learn from each other, and I’m glad you introduced yourself. I hope I keep writing stuff you like!
Allison, I am a non-religious woman who loves this website also. It is difficult sometimes to share morality with Christians but not have the faith. I find that I mostly read Christian, Catholic, Mormon and Mennonite blogs because they talk about the issues that I am interested in (being a good wife, mother, homemaker etc.) but I will never really fit in. It is the same way in real life. The women I am drawn to are those with a strong sense of morality and with their heart in their home BUT that is incredibly rare outside of a strong commitment to an organized faith.
AspiringLady, I’m glad you’re here, too! You really are welcome, regardless of beliefs.
Another well written and thoughtful post. Much of today’s media is focused on the breathless beginnings of a relationship and not the necessary foundation to make it last. I appreciate the comment about the “good” girl falling for the “bad” boy and her love redeems him. Finding someone who is a good fit from the beginning, not hoping your choice will change, would eliminate many of the problems in relationships. Unrealistic expectations, both of your partner and the relationship itself, are problematic. Even the princess fairy tales can lead to trouble. I’ve always wanted to check in with Aurora, Cinderella, and Snow White ten years in to see how things are really going with the prince.
Its easy to dismiss the so called innocent books as not destructive, usually on the basis that “well I read those and dont imagine that man as my husband”…but the effects are not that banal and simple. Its a creeping nagging feeling of dissatisfaction, a lack of the feelings in marriage that you get vicariously in the books. Sorry, but the Christian romance books are maybe even worse (setting aside the soft porn erotica etc) for Christian women, because the modern church has created an image of the Christian husband that women are adopting and Ive even seen them threatening to divorce because “he isnt the spiritual leader he needs to be”. No where in the bible is there a task list for men, making crafts and reading devotionals to kids etc etc. But women are loving that stuff and in the Christian books the men are female constructs of what Christian husbands should be
I know what you’re saying, but I just can’t be legalistic and say that all those books are wrong. I really think it depends upon the person. I know that I can read great historical novels like Francine Rivers’ Mark of the Lion series, for instance, and feel inspired in my faith, not unhappy with my marriage. But for some it may have the opposite effect. So I think you just need to know yourself.
To say that all those novels are wrong because they stir up dissatisfaction would be to also say that listening to any popular music is wrong, watching any TV shows are wrong, and watching any movies are wrong. Now, that’s a valid viewpoint (though I don’t hold it), but I just find it very legalistic. Also, stories are meant to inspire; Jesus Himself told stories. So there is nothing wrong with a good story. So we just have to be careful. I think many books CAN stir up dissatisfaction; whether or not they WILL depends upon the interplay between the novel and the reader. Not everyone will take it that way, and not everyone has a marriage that is in danger. After reading many novels I’ve actually been inspired to start treating my husband better. That’s why I can’t make a blanket rule. The thing about books is that WE participate in the creation of them, since as we’re reading we’re picturing things and “writing” the story in a way, too. So it’s the interplay that’s key. Now a lot of books have no substance and are just fluff, but the same could be said of most movies or TV. I don’t think fluff is always bad, because sometimes you just need a break. But if it’s causing dissatisfaction, then it’s bad. I know that after being on a mystery novel run for a while I had to stop because I was starting to see the world so darkly. So it just depends on a whole lot of factors.
So would you apply the same lack of legalism to a man looking at an attractive picture that doesn’t necessarily arouse him as you would to the less porny books that women read? Men looking at hard core porn doesn’t even necessarily stir up dissatisfaction within him, so why do women get a pass while men don’t?
Surely you can see that you are not applying the standard equally here. You also don’t seem to grasp that men can compartmentalise better than women. Not every man who looks at erotica or porn has a marriage that is in danger either, but you state that by this act he puts his marriage in danger but don’t seem to think that a woman reading romance porn does the same thing. In the latter case it depends on “the interplay between the novel and the reader” yet you appear to think this isn’t the case for men, that the interplay between the film/picture and the viewer doesn’t come into it in your analysis and that a man viewing erotic material is always a threat to the marriage. Is this what you are saying?
CL, if a man is watching porn as an academic issue because he’s doing academic research, there is no problem with it. Other than that, it is a sin. Period. I will not compromise on this.
Similarly, I said that “romance novels” that are soft porn, like Nora Roberts, are also sin. I am not being hypocritical. You are comparing apples to oranges.
I am saying porn is wrong, and soft porn novels are wrong. You are trying to compare porn to novels that have a few sex scenes in them. A better comparison would be those novels to a movie with one mildly erotic scene for 3 minutes that one can skip over.
Please do not compare apples to oranges. We’ve talked about this a lot. Porn is wrong. There is no reason to watch it other than to arouse oneself, just like there is no reason to read a soft porn book other than to arouse oneself.
The others are completely different, and, if you will notice, I never said that they are perfectly okay for all women. I said that you had to know yourself.
You bring up porn and Jane Austen in the same sentence on your last post and then accuse me of comparing apples to oranges? Sorry, that won’t get by me quite so easily, although I will admit that you are very adept at skirting around direct questions. You have given women a ton of excuses while holding men’s feet to the fire; this is hypocritical. Women can “judge for themselves” while men don’t have that privilege in your analysis, because men are always wrong (women are only sometimes wrong, depending).
There are photographs of naked women, for example, that men get pleasure from looking at while not being sexually aroused – it is just an appreciation of beauty and the images are no more pornographic than a nice nude painting. But I surmise that you wouldn’t want husbands looking at those either (while wives reading whatever it is they deem “OK” you don’t have a problem with) because at the heart of this issue – with a lot of Christian women in particular, I can’t help noticing – is a lack of trust in men and the desire to control male sexuality.
Okay, this is absolutely the last thing I’m saying on this topic, and I will delete further comments to it.
Porn is looking at naked people. Period. What reason does a man have to look at a naked woman except to arouse himself? And, incidentally, in the Bible two whole nations were condemned because people looked on the nakedness of someone who was not their spouse. We’re not supposed to look at naked people who are not our spouses. I fail to see why this is so hard to understand.
Also, as for women trying to control men’s sexuality, no, that’s not the issue. The issue is that once you are married, the husband’s body belongs the wife, and the wife’s to this husband. So a woman definitely has the right to tell her husband that he has no business looking at another naked woman.
As for the Jane Austen/porn analysis, I was saying that you were accusing me of being hypocritical because I said some novels may be fine. And what were those novels? Jane Austen! Did you read my post? I said Nora Roberts bad, Jane Austen good, unless you are dissatisfied in your marriage, and then you should stop.
For a reason I will never understand, you seem intent on defending porn. It is indefensible. And looking at a woman who is not your spouse who is naked is also indefensible. And supporting an industry which has women pose nude, and which has women engage in sexual acts with people who are not their spouse, is also wrong, even if you are not looking at the more graphic ones.
Did I ever say that wives could read whatever they deemed okay? No, I did not. I said soft porn was bad, but a novel is not. Can you not see the difference between Jane Austen and a picture of a naked woman? I sure can, and I’m pretty sure everyone else here can, too.
Sheila:
Assume a husband notices his wife spending too much time reading Austen novels or watching the “Love Comes Softly” movies. Assume he notices that she is developing an unrealistic or unhealthy attitude toward her marriage. Is the husband justified in telling his wife not to read the novels or watch the movies? I submit he is.
Assume the husband objects to his wife reading Austen or watching the Oke movies because, while she has not developed an unhealthy attitude toward her marriage or her husband, he fears that these influences might lead to her straying from the marriage. Is he justified in telling her not to read the novels or watch the movies? I submit he is.
Absolutely. If he feels something is wrong in the marriage, he can absolutely talk to her about it. I’m just saying that you cannot make a blanket statement that these books are as bad as Nora Roberts books, because they are not. If you do make such a statement, then you are really saying that all books/films/TV portray unrealistic things, and no one should watch them. That’s all I’m saying. Can they cause a problem? Yes. If they do, should a husband speak up? Absolutely. Is Jane Austen likely to cause a problem? No, I don’t think so (unless it’s that the wife gets so engrossed in reading that she ignores him, which is far more my problem than the actual content).
“There are photographs of naked women, for example, that men get pleasure from looking at while not being sexually aroused – it is just an appreciation of beauty and the images are no more pornographic than a nice nude painting. ”
There is a restaurant in my vicinity that has one room covered in nude paintings. They are very subtle and at first glance you really don’t notice it. However, as I began to “admire” the extremely nice artwork, the nudity began to jump out at me… and I was appalled. And this is a “family” restaurant! Thankfully we were served our dinner in another room of that restaurant because I would not want my family assaulted with that all evening.
I’m sorry CL, but any man looking at a nude picture, painting, magazine, movie… whatever – of a woman who is NOT HIS WIFE – is guilty of stealing something that is not his to take. And he is being UNFAITHFUL to the one who IS his wife. Saying we’re “appreciating God’s handiwork” is a lame cop-out – I’ve heard it from both men and women. And it’s STILL LAME.
The same can be said of women who read these types of novels that Sheila has referenced… any “story” that has the power to transport a reader’s mind out of their reality and into a fantasy world involving touching/lust/sex with ANYONE other than their own husband is guilty of the same thing – UNFAITHFULNESS.
All of our attention and sexual desire is to be for one person only – our husband or wife (as the case may be). If you want scripture to back it up, look at Proverbs 5… yep, pretty much the entire chapter. But I’ll post some of the meat here…
Proverbs 5:15-23
“Drink water from your own cistern And fresh water from your own well. Should your springs be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? Let them be yours alone And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love. For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress And embrace the bosom of a foreigner? For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the LORD, And He watches all his paths. His own iniquities will capture the wicked, And he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, And in the greatness of his folly he will go astray.”
In the last couple of verses above, God’s Word calls it SIN and FOLLY. We are told point blank to rejoice in the wife of our youth, and to let HER breasts satisfy us always. That’s pretty simple right there.
The Lord is quite capable of helping us men turn around from porn to a life of purity in Christ. Yes, I speak from experience. Honestly, I know very few men who haven’t struggled with porn in some fashion or another… including most of my Christian male friends. The Lord is faithful – even when we are not.
Peace.
Jason:
Is looking at Michelangelo’s Venus an appeal to prurient interest? Is it always an appeal to prurient interest?
Can a man look at Baroque or Renaissance period art or renditions of the female form purely for appreciation of the artistic rendition?
Or is it appropriate for a man to look upon these art forms purely for academic purposes, while eschwing them for purely aesthetic purposes?
Very well written. Thank you.
Thanks for taking this one on! I like what you said about reading being different in that you take part in the creative process. I days gone by, before videos, there were “bedside books” for men which were basically p o r n movies in words. I read a couple of those almost 40 years ago as a young teen, and they are still in my brain – more so than any images I ever saw.
One study showed that the bio-chemical affects of romance novels on women were almost identical to the bio-chemical affects that p0rn has on men. That alone should make us stop and think.
Ultimately the problem with both is that they feed dissatisfaction and create a false and impossible standard that no spouse will ever match. Why would we want to create a longing that could never be met by a real person?
In your post you reference “books that give an unrealistic view of marriage”, I feel this is very insightful. Isn’t that a large part of the whole Hollywood problem? How many shows offer a realistic view of life and/or marriage? Even do called “reality” shows differ by a large margin from what most of us experience in real life. No wonder people do not understand real love, or real life!
So true. So we just need to be careful. I think the problem is that most books/movies don’t portray the work that goes into keeping a relationship strong. They show instead love as being the answer for everything. But that feeling can fade, and it’s more than feelings that keep a marriage alive.
This is an interesting post and I have to say that I agree with it despite being a writer and including a little romance in my novels. However I don’t think my novels would fall typically into the romance genre. I like to explore other concepts – God’s love, friendship, etc – but a little romance does slip in. Perhaps romance is even the wrong word because it’s more about friendship and commitment.
I’m bothered by Christian writers who include sex scenes in their books. I don’t have daughters (just five sons) but if I did, I wouldn’t be able to let them read such books. Nor do I like books where there are lots of kissing scenes or can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other-struggling-to-wait-for-marriage scenes. I know some might argue that this is real life, but my argument is: let’s give our young people a higher standard to aim for. So while there is romance in my novels and it includes spoken words of love and commitment, I steer clear of the physical scenes. Jane Austen did it and no one complains (not that I’m anywhere near her calibre when it comes to writing).
I take as my motto when writing the verse from Songs of Somonon about not arousing love before it’s time. I want to write to give young women hope that there are godly men out there if they are willing to wait on God’s timing and not rush headlong into relationships with the latest heart-throb on the block; I want to encourage marriages and the effort that goes into making them last, not make women dissatisfied with what they have. Hopefully through what I write, some truths will emerge that will help some. However, having read your post, I will certainly be considering if through my writing I am causing anyone to stumble.
Jules, thanks for your thoughtful comment. I think that as long as a novel portrays real life, then you’re on safe ground. And like I said, I don’t think telling good stories is a problem. I think if you tell a good story, with rich characters, you’re fine. If a woman reading that would become dissatisfied, that’s likely because of her relationship, not your writing.
I do wish there would be more books that portrayed marriage in a realistic way. Karen Kingsbury has done some good ones like that, but most novels take their cue from Austen and end at the wedding. I’d like to see more exploring what marriage is really like!
I am so glad you wrote this! When I read the post from the other day, I was concerned because it appeared that romance novels were dismissed as not being unhealthy or pornographic. Obviously I misunderstood and this post is such a relief.
I often define romance novels as the ones that contain sex scenes in them. I don’t even give them the courtesy of a soft porn title. I guess that may be harsh, but women are highly mental in their sexuality, so stories and fantasies that can be imagined are far more arousing than watching a porn (as you mention). And lust is lust.
Your other viewpoints, other than the blatant porn, are refreshing and thought-provoking. I have been frustrated and concerned with the suffocating relationship portrayed in the Twilight movie. It is good for it to be pointed out to women, young and old, that this is unrealistic. After all, how many older women do you know that are also obsessed with the series? 🙂
http://amorveri.wordpress.com/
Amor, I know! I do know a lot of adult women who are totally addicted to Twilight. But that isn’t real love at all!
I have to say that I appreciate the acknowledgement that romance novels aren’t dangerous to all women and all marriages. I’m firmly behind the belief that if you find what you’re reading is making you unhappy, or you’re only turning to such books because you’re unhappy, then you need to assess why you’re reading these books and what problems it reveals in your life or your relationship. I’m a fan of romance novels and I’m also happily engaged and will be getting married in July, but I didn’t become a big romance reader until after I started dating my fiancé. I find it rather amusing, to be honest – most girls are addicted to romance novels when they’re teenagers and dream of meeting the perfect man, and while I don’t deny that the Sweet Valley High series and other teenage books put some false ideas in my head, I didn’t properly start reading romance novels until I was in a committed relationship. But, and here’s the big but – there’s never been a moment in my relationship with my fiancé that I’ve wished he were more like the hero in the book I was reading. Yet I know that if I ever started to find myself thinking “Why can’t Simon be more like this?” then it would be time to put the book down and deal with our issues before I allowed myself to pick up a similar book again.
I almost exclusively read Christian romance, and I can’t say that I’ve ever read one that’s took the physical side too far, but I would, like you, be disappointed if a novel focused more on the physical side of the relationship than the emotional and spiritual. But I do appreciate it when a novel acknowledges the importance of the physical aspect of marriage and I’ve read some very encouraging books that deal with this topic (between married characters) from authors such as Kelly Long, Mary Connealy and Vickie McDonough in a tasteful manner. I don’t need a five-page sex scene to let me know that these characters are enjoying all that God deemed important in a happy marriage, but a lingering glance between a newly wed couple and a blush here and there when a soon-to-be-wed bride thinks of her wedding night is often appreciated. But these aspects without the couple coming to an emotional and spiritual understanding is completely wrong. Sometimes we, as flawed human beings, do these aspects of a relationship in the wrong order and I won’t lie as I know that sometimes I wish I could go back and reorder the first few months of my relationship with my fiancé! And I do appreciated authors who write flawed characters who deal with issues such as struggling to wait until they’re married to embark on the spiritual side of the relationship – but these issues don’t need to be explicitly described. What I loathe most in romance novels is perfect characters. I would get bored if every relationship featured a perfect Christian man and woman who do all the steps of their courtship in the right order and wait for certain matters to occur until after their wedding. I would stop reading Christian romance novels if this were the case. Realism is necessary, as it makes readers realise that even flawed human beings who have made mistakes can still find the enjoyment that comes from a happy marriage that God wishes for them, that second chances do exist, and that a marriage can survive even if mistakes are made in the early stages of a relationship.
I do find it worrying when some Christian women write of all romance novels entirely as being dangerous to relationships, but I think it’s also a problem if we don’t acknowledge that they can do similar damage to women as porn can to men. The difference, I believe, is that romance novels are only dangerous if you’re looking for something in them that you can’t get in your marriage, but I can’t say there’s any case when a husband can look at porn and claim it’s not causing any difficulties to his marriage. But I think women can also struggle with unhappiness in their marriage from romantic films, or even classic novels such as Jane Austen’s books. I actually read ‘Pride and Prejudice’ for the first time last month and came away from it wondering what all the fuss was about Mr Darcy being the perfect hero as I thought he was a decent, upstanding gentleman but did not see why he was so swoon-worthy! Perhaps this is the test – if you find yourself falling in love with a character, perhaps you shouldn’t be reading these books. While I enjoy reading about relationships developing between characters, particularly in Christian novels where I can relate to the different struggles and anxieties the characters have, and I enjoy smiling over a happy ending that has been well-earned, I don’t sigh and wish I was the heroine of any of these novels. The hero never measures up to my hubby-to-be 🙂
I review books for a Christian website that reviews music, movies, fiction and non-fiction that primarily falls within the Christian genre: TheChristianManifesto.com. I joined in January 2011 as they needed someone to review more fiction that appealed to woman, and thus I found myself reading a lot more Christian romance novels than I ever had before in my life. I’ve reviewed books from many of the major Christian publishing houses and I’m thankful that I haven’t encountered any books yet that seem to be only Christian in name only, and it’s sad to know that some people do market novels as being Christian when they are far from it. But I can honestly say that, from my past year’s experience, I think there are a lot of realistic yet Biblically-sound romance novels out there.
Rachel, thanks for that very thoughtful post! I would say that we’re pretty much in agreement. I really don’t think romance novels of the kind you described can be called “always bad”, but I do think that porn always is. And I find many Christian novels motivate ME to be a better wife, rather than making me pick at my husband. So I really don’t like drawing a line in the sand and saying, “you must not read novels!” Especially because I do believe that stories have the capacity to help us reach for something more in ourselves, and have the capacity to stretch the soul. God is a story-teller; Jesus told parables. Those who run away from fiction of any kind distort God’s character, I think.
So one must just check one’s heart. If it’s hurting you or making you yearn for something else, then stop it. If they’re becoming so addictive that you’re missing out on real life, stop it. But let’s not assume that all novels are bad.
This was a thought provoking post for me. I used to read christian romance novels as a teenager. I enjoyed reading them and still do occasionally.
As I was reading this post and reading through the comments this thought struck me, “If we as women compare our husbands to the made up characters, how is that any different than a man comparing his wife to idealized women in porn?” The real issue is the heart. Granted, I’m not advocating that women should read steamy novels and that men look at porn.
My point is this. The thing is, we as women should love our men for who they are and not for what they do for us. If a romance novel makes us feel uncontented with our men, then in our heart of hearts perhaps we are not unconditionally loving them. We should be able to observe what other men do for their women and walk away happy for those women (not having a pity party for ourselves). We also need to appreciate how our men DO love us. It may not be the way we like it best. Yet, if we stop expecting love to look like something dreamt up in our minds, we can truly appreciate the love that is there.
Love your man for who he is and then anything he chooses to do for you is a bonus, not a duty he must fulfill. Don’t make him play catchup in your mind. He’ll never win, you’ll never win. Trust me…
Romance is a natural part of life. It’s something every woman desires, even if they don’t want to admit it. We, as women, were designed to be romanced. But turning to “romance novels” is not the right way. We weren’t meant to be romanced by a book. We were meant to be romanced through personal relationship – by our Creator God, the King of the Universe, who longs for us and delights in us, and by the man we are married to (or are going to marry). Not all guys are wonderful in the romance department, and romance books cloud our vision of reality. Not every moment is going to be breathless and not every sex act is going to be racy. Any time I come across a moment like this in a book or movie it actually makes me want my husband more because reality is far better than fantasy in my opinion. Do I think that a book is incomplete without romance? Sometimes yes… because relationship is so fundamental to life that it would be unrealistic not to have it. Do I think that every little detail needs to be spelled out, that it’s okay to read these books when you’re longing for a relationship and don’t have one yet, that it’s okay to read these books regardless of whether you’re happily married? No. I skip over these scenes. I put the book down. I walk away if it’s really bad. And you’re right some of the books in the Christian fiction section are only there “in name only.” We, as women, need to be filtering what we see/read through the lens of Scripture. We need to exercise wisdom/good judgment when it comes to choosing what we read/watch.
Ok, I get the point that everyone is trying to say. But what I don’t see is anyone coming up with a reasonable solution. I would really like to say that I could walk away “cold turkey,” but I don’t think I could do that.
I was awake for a good part of the night last night because of a very deep discussion between my husband and myself about my “addiction” to romance novels.
I like the “series” books where the author is following a small town, etc. and I enjoy the story lines.
So what is the alternative solution? I am really asking for input here.
Kaytie, I guess I’d say, why and when do you read them? Is it just an escape? To relax? What need do they fill? And then just see if you can fill that with something else! Take more walks with your husband. If you tend to read them at night, before you go to sleep, try using that time to talk to him, or to read something cool out loud together. Go to a bookstore together and find a book you’d both like.
I think like anything that becomes a habit we do it because it’s easy, and because it helps us “tune out” of our everyday lives. But that’s not necessarily beneficial. So see if you can find something to spend your time with that also helps you to relax and does fulfill that genuine need that you have, but does so in a healthier way so that you’re honouring your family and having fun with them. Have you tried other kinds of novels, like Agatha Christie? Or some of the Christian suspense? Or just steer clear of books for a while and do some puzzles together with your husband, or start a journal, or a blog, or something! Do you know what I mean? Just figure out when and why you usually read them, and then find other activities you can do during that time of day as well that also fulfill that need. Hope that helps, because you’re absolutely right: it’s hard to just quit without a plan.
Interesting article. What do the scriptures say ?
Allow me to comment coming from a Jewish Christian perspective.
Didn’t Paul mention about being transformed by the renewing of your mind in Romans 12 & bring thought captive to Christ as seen in 2 Cor 10:5 ?
What about Col 3? If you would kindly permit…
1If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. 5Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. 6On account of these the wrath of God is coming.
This is a show stopper (vs 2 & ” sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness” in vs. 4) ?
Allow me to suggest this applies to visual and emotional pornography- whether male or female. To suggest otherwise puts one “on VERY thin ice” -if you don’t believe me- ask Jesus for yourself during your quiet time with Him and see what He says.
In addition, if one has the time pray, read, meditate on the Holy Scripture, consistent interaction with Jesus, work, exercise, kids, church activity, bible study and take care of oneself – then ask Jesus what to do in your spare time.
Shalom
May God continue to give you a spirit of boldness to speak the truth in love! Thank you for your willingness to take a stand.
I believe any media- books, website, TV, movies, podcasts, etc- need to be looked at through the lense of Christ. I base my “intake” on Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” If that makes me a prude to the outsiders looking in, then so be it! But my husband and I have a satisfying marital relationship because we monitor our ear, eye and mind gates.
My wife is obsessed with “romance” novels. I recently we went through a very long period where she claimed to be disinterested in being intimate with me on any level. She said she had no desire but was “taking care of business” when I was asleep or at work on night shifts. The common theme of her novels are of infidelity and one night stands. This concerned me a great deal. Though she said she never “cheated” I felt as though something was wrong…. Duhh!! She was completely withdrawn from me and spending $100 a month on e-books at .99 a piece. That’s a lot. I then found toys that were referenced in “50 shades of grey” that she said she didn’t want to use with me. The sad story continues…. The main focus was that she was not disinterested in sexual relations she was simply disinterested in me. The books and their messages had bored into her mind and contorted her image and expectations of our relationship. These books about infidelity and one night stands were consuming her. Taking her from her household responsibilities and I feel like she may have been acting out in these feelings. I know if I were to watch or look at porn as much as she is reading these novels she would be very disappointed in me as a man husband and father. I don’t see any difference in the comparison if the 2. These books are written to stimulate urges of a sexual nature and have changed my wife into a sex crazed housewife…. Unfortunately it’s not beneficial to me as her husband. These books have honestly damaged my marriage. I just want my wife back. I’m sorry I’m not stimulating enough or impressive enough to overcome the desires that she unleashes when I’m not around.
Thank you for this article! Growing up in church, I never heard this topic discussed. I wish someone had; it would have saved me a lot of issues in my marriage! As a pre-teen, I started reading Christian Romance novels, the “Love Comes Softly” books, etc. I would definitely say that there is nothing wrong with those books in and of themselves, but for me at that time, they were dangerous. I usually skimmed most of the book and only read the endings–the kissing, the happily-ever-after. They started whetting my appetite for things that, as a young teenager, I didn’t need to be dwelling on. Reading those books led me to “soft porn” secular romance novels because I was looking for more than the Christian books offered. And then, by the time I graduated college, I was reading erotica. I didn’t get married till I was 30, so I was single for quite a few years before I met my husband. During that time I filled my mind with a steady diet of those kind of books. I knew it was wrong, and I confessed to God over and over, but I always found myself back at the library checking out another armload of books. It was definitely an addiction.
As I said, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but what I didn’t realize was the damage I was doing to my future marriage. I was creating unrealistic expectations in my mind. The first two years of our marriage were difficult for me, sexually, because I was expecting sex to happen the way it did in the novels. My husband is an amazing guy, and he was doing everything he could to help me, but when things didn’t go the way I expected, I got very disappointed and depressed, which my husband interpreted as disappointment in him! Also, in the books, sex is merely physical. The men in the books, especially, have no emotional needs. I didn’t realize that my husband needed the physical part of our marriage to feel loved! Meanwhile, I kept reading those books!
Through various Christian authors, and websites like yours, my husband and I have worked through a lot of my issues, and our love life is now pretty amazing! And, God has graciously broken my addiction and (mostly!) taken away the desires for those books. But I can’t help wishing that someone had warned me as a teenager of the pain I was setting myself up for! If I had gone into marriage with more realistic expectations and a right understanding of the reasons for sex, our first two years would have been a lot less difficult!
Not sure what to say… I love to read, and I’ve always loved romantic stuff. Movies, books, stories… I do agree that you need to chose your books wisely, just like everything else in your life. And I do agree that sex scenes in books are not always a good thing, I personally feel awkward reading a scene like that. But at the same time, isn’t it kind of a real-life thing? Sex is not something to be ashamed of, I guess it’s just a matter of how you react to it, how you perceive it. Yes, when we read a romantic novel we start feeling kind of alone and unloved because “the main character is soooo great and attentive, unlike my husband.” But isn’t that our own fault? I mean, we should appreciate what we have, stop comparing. I used to feel sad, because I knew that I will never meet a guy like Mr. Darcy, but who am I kidding? He’s a fictional character! And I’m no princess, it’s a real world. So why not read a book or watch a movie just for a distraction? Then come back to your real life, go kiss your hubby and tell him he’s the best man there is! I’m not saying we should read books with tons of erotic scenes, I don’t understand those books at all. But reading a good book with one scene of that sort, when you understand that part wasn’t even important that much… I won’t feel guilty about it, I just won’t notice that scene.
It is so frustrating. I like to read love stories/ suspense novels . But i do get very frustrated when authors take liberties to write out explicit love scenes, even if the couple’s are married. I’m at a loss. We have small children and I don’t have the opportunity to go to the Christian bookstore. I do have a kindle. But I need authors that don’t have erotica in them. Some suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Though I have returned books with explicitly, it’s still is rather tempting to finish a novel when I realize it’s going in that direction. My husband and I love each and do enjoy our time together. I’d rather not go there and have some lovely ladies suggest some safe authors.
I’m glad you posted this… It’s a subject I’ve struggled with for years. I love to read, especially books with a great love story, but it is really hard to screen those books and find ones that are “okay” to read. As you described, I would often find myself justifying continuing to read a “smutty” novel just because I started into it and didn’t want to quit. I am surely not going to stop reading, but I do want to find books that are edifying to my soul and not eroding away at my relationships. I have found that my favorite books have to do with a husband and wife falling “back in love” with each other, and that those kinds of books actually have me reaching for my husband after reading because it makes me feel blessed to have him. Any recommendations on how to sort out what is worth reading from what should be avoided? (Other than avoiding the ones with cover pictures of half-naked people embracing…Haha)
I’d actually look at the publishing company’s trademark on the spine when I would get books from the library. Harvest House (Lori Wick) and Bethany House (Janette Oke) were two of the marks I’d look for. If you find an author you like and have read all their books you might try looking for someone else published by the same house. It usually works at least a little better than Russian Roulette, depending on the company.
Loved the post and have read through most of the comments… At the end of the day it’s pretty simple. It’s a heart issue. Everyone’s heart will be convicted about different things. It’s why some think it wrong to drink and others find a glass of wine relaxing in the evening. Neither one is wrong but to the individual there are different convictions. God made us all so different and just because we don’t agree on some of these convictions it doesn’t make one or the other a lesser Christian. It’s a heart issue people. I love the Janaette Oak series and always have but If you feel convicted about reading them then you shouldn’t. God is awesome like that. He knows us more than anyone else. Even ourselves so we should look for the warning signs (stiring of conviction ) and not focus so much on what others are doing. For each of us it will be different.
So true! That’s why I don’t like making blanket rules for grey area things. We really need to be intent at listening to the Holy Spirit’s voice.
I’ve read Janette Oke since 5th grade, Lori Wick since a little later. I read some of what would be considered “soft porn” for a while because in the library they were in the same section, but after a few books I realized they were anything but the same genre and would look for the publisher’s mark on the bottom of the spine. One thing I like about Janette Oke and Lori Wick is that in so many of the books the story ends at the engagement or wedding, or if it continues they go through many of the same things real life couples do. It’s still fiction, and expecting a real person to behave like a character in a book is unrealistic. There just aren’t many things to write about that will drive a story. You have to develop characters and have them end in a different place than they begin. A romance is one of the most common ways to do that. Many of the others either require elements of sci-fi/fantasy which still usually has a romance as a secondary plot, or read like non-fiction.
Aside from the issues that romance novels present in the sex scenes, I deeply agree with the ideas presented by the romance genre (and this is coming from someone who was much like the teenagers you described in the library until God opened my eyes). Romance novels teach young girls that their lives are worthless until they meet a man, and even then the only worth that they hold is what they can do or be for the man. There is no empowerment for girls. The females may be “headstrong” characters, but they are ultimately “tamed” by the man who is often older, and therefore “more experienced” than she.
The sex scenes that can be “so riveting” are wholly unrealistic. Often the man is “stealing” virginity from the girl and she, in her wild desire, is helpless to stop it (let’s take a moment and think about what this tells women: we have no power in stopping the advances of men? Or we shouldn’t even if it’s not right? This screams of rape culture to me). Often she will orgasm during her first time, it will be earth-shattering, nothing has ever felt so incredible and whatever else. What?! Who does this happen for? What about the 30% of who can’t even orgasm from penetration alone, not to mention that the chances that a woman will orgasm during her first sexual encounter are only about 40%.
Overall I think that women who read romance novels, especially young women finding their footing in dating, relationships, and marriage can draw the wrong ideas of what love is and what it means to be loved and show love. Woman can be strong and independent, just because we have a man does not mean that we “need” him in order to give our lives worth. As you said, love should grow our lives, not shrink it. In following Romance Culture, however, girls will lose friends when they refuse to give them anytime over their boyfriends and parents will be helpless as daughters refuse to listen to them about how important it is to foster oneself and one’s relationship with GOD before one ever worries about fostering a relationship with a man.
I would classify “erotica” as somewhat different from “romance”. It is much more explicit. That said, I had a friend more than 40 years ago who, as a teen, devoured romance novels. Back then, we called them “bodice-rippers” because all the covers showed gorgeous women with their dresses falling off their shoulders (or more), in the arms of an athletic looking man with no shirt on.
I believe they insidiously harmed my friend. She talked a lot about her ideal man and one-day husband.. He was always like those studs in the books. And in the 40+ years since, she’s experienced nothing but messed-up, unhappy relationships (at least 5, two affairs with married men, one failed marriage), because she was looking for that “hero” to sweep her off her feet. No man could measure up to her expectations, because she was looking for all the wrong things.
Those books are unrealistic and silly. Not fit for impressionable girls/teens.
And with all the good stories out there, why waste your time on twaddle?
Instead, focus on “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8
I have read very few romance novels in my life, and only then as a teen or at the urging of a friend who insisted that one was a “must-read”. I’ve never much understood the appeal, after reading a few I found them to be pretty one-dimensional and repetitive. I admit to having read some erotica and there is no other purpose than for the titillation. I quickly soured on this as well, since most of the characters view other human beings and even themselves as playthings and not worthy whole individuals. One of my favorite books is Jane Eyre. Anyone who has read this would probably agree, this is one of the more realistic love stories in the genre. The leading man is not incredibly attractive or personable and the protagonist is not attracted to him in the least. It is only through time spent together that a relationship grows, and eventually there is love. There are even setbacks and difficulties encountered during the course of the relationship. I prefer this to any romances. Want a story about true love? The Bible is a great one!
Great post, Sheila! I know this is a topic that gets strong reactions in the Christian community, and you’ve covered it well.
Thanks, Stephanie!
Romance novels with meat can be inspirational! So many of these comments contain truth! Yes, romance novels (not soft porn) can be dangerous if they become addictive or cause destructive dissatisfaction and conflicts with one’s own marriage. Yet, they can also be inspirational in the sense that they may help us be a little more romantic with our spouse, but most importantly, romance appeals to something intrinsic in all of us: the longing for that ultimate Romance with Christ, in the end, when we’re His Bride. Biblical accounts of Adam & Eve, Jacob & Rachel, Ruth & Boaz, Esther & the King, Solomon & the Shulamite woman (makes you blush to read it, if you know what it’s really saying), etc, all seem to point to this oneness we seek with someone. A oneness that will ultimately be completely satisfying when we are joint-heirs with Him. It’ll be much, much better than sex! Thanks Sheila!
When I was a teenager I was very curious about sex and got hooked on reading many Romance Novels…..some times even just went right to the middle of the historical ones that the sex scene always seemed to be be smack dab in the middle. As I grew a bit older and closer yto God I was convicted that this was no worse that porn which i was so against!! Men are visual, women are more emotional so reading a “good book” gets a woman in the place where it touches her emotions and can be vulnerable to what is being written. I now only read Christian romance and haven’t found too many that border on the dangerous side…..perhaps there are ones i haven’t read…being a mother has def changed the amount of time i have for reading LOL.
I appreciate what you write…and read everything you post…..but may I disagree a little bit? If a story book or movie has nudity or adultery or fornication in it, whether soft porn or more….is that not sin? By buying it am I not agreeing with the author that it’s ok to write filth and whether we are saved or unsaved it’s all ok?? There is no black and white anymore, whether in the Church or today’s culture…my new philosophy is ‘grey is the new black’….and if that is true…do you want to be married to a man who’s thinking is ‘what’s the big deal..it is only grey’…the Big Bang Theory does not show ‘penetration in the scenes with fornication in them…so ‘it’s great to watch cause it is so funny’?????… Sin is sin…but worst of all, the books and movies are not wholly blessed by God and steal our time and innocence…
I recently managed to get rid of my addiction with smutty books , but I can’t avoid books altogether. So, can anyone suggest a book that has a good story with no sex scenes or smut in them? Thanks.
Hello all,
Well my wife has started reading erotica novels pretty nonstop. She always has her phone on her all the time and or her tablet. I have really tried to make things romantic and do more for her. Lately I clwan the house wash dishes take out trash and just repainted our bedroom. I even instead of complaining bought her more google plus cards to buy more to show her I care. On Valentine’s Day I did my due diligence to make the day special for her and took her to see 50 shades of gray too. I work hard support her and my kids and I don’t drink or do anything really that would label me as a poor husband. But recently she expressed she’s emotionally detached and has been for awhile. Also on a more personal note I make the bedroom too more all about her too and satisfy her. I expressed I thought these books could give her a false impression of our relationship. She gets angry and says I’m trying to control her so I don’t bring it up anymore. Lately I feel like I’m walking on eggshells too all of the time really. She brings up up everything ever said during an argument for the lastn12 years too. Basically says all of our issues are basically all my fault. I sit and listen but man do I want to defend myself a little bit. She doesn’t seem happy with me anymore. It’s like she’s holding on to something. Not sure if I make her so unhappy why stay with me then? I have always been faithful to her too and would never stray. I mean I didntwo tours to airaq and our marriage then was rock solid. I think the issues are with me but I think that these books aren’t making things better I mean she takes her phone to read in bathroom too. I can’t make my wife love me. I want to set her free and I have but she says she wants to work on our marriage I just don’t feel her trying as hard as I am really. It’s like I can’t express my concerns wih her either. I also found out she was just having small talk she imitated on Facebook with a guy too. I asked her about it and she looked me right in the eye and said oh he was just a family friend. Then the next day I asked one more time she then said well “he was my first and he broke my heart once.” I was so hurt I could hardly function really.” If it were nothing and the chat seemed like small talk why did she lie about it? I am trying real hard to make this work I just don’t get it?? Thanks Carl
Hey Carl! Thanks for sharing with us. First let me say, I’m no expert, but I am trying to get over my reading addiction so I can relate what I feel might be some reasoning lol. I know when I started reading, it was because I never imagined my life would be the way it was. The books became an escape from the realities of life. I had 2 kids, an unstable home life, and a distant husband and I wanted to just get away. The books provided a way for me to be someone else and to live vicariously through the characters. In my opinion, supporting the habit would not be the best thing to do. I’ve tried to get my husband to help keep me accountable, but he doesn’t understand my need to be watched. I think also, like any addiction, she has to want to stop. If not, then prayer and perseverance is best. You sound like you are trying to be there and work things out and thats awesome. Maybe try suggesting counselling at a local church or if your church offers that. Maybe suggest doing a devotional together? They have many that help bring Christian couples closer together in all areas of life. Starting out small is good. Too much at once will be overwhelming and I know to me it felt like withdrawals when I quit reading cold turkey and then the need came back with a vengeance. Just whatever you do, speaking from my experience, don’t feed into her choice of books or movies. That would only be enabling her. Most of all pray for this to be gone from your wife’s mind, body, and soul. Personally, I believe it is a spiritual stronghold for most women who struggle with this addiction. I know it is for me. Like any soldier (like you) you have to know your enemy and how it works (the romance novels). Study up on this addiction and once you know your enemy, then you can help her more. Interpret why your wife might be feeling the need for the books and go from there. I’ll be praying for you both and good luck!
Thanks for advice Jessica
Do you think I should be concerned with any other issues? Trying to be rational and logical but not naive either. She has been very protective of her phone, tablet and sort of secretive in my opinion.
I agree 100%. I was and am still struggling to get over my addiction to romance novels. I started out with paranormal romance and the urban fiction to escape a lonley marriage. It had been falling apart for years and in truth should never have happened, but we were very young. My favorite’s were the one’s where the female was strong and had a lot of fighting, but my tastes ran to “more” after some time. It was never enough. Eventually, I was reading 2-4 books a day and very irritable. When I finally divorced and gave my life back to Christ, I tried the Christian romance, but they were always lacking. My morals and everything I stood for slowly went out the door. I despised my ex-husband for looking at pornography online, but here I was reading to what I felt was the equivalent, but couldn’t stop. I went for stretches of 6 months- a year without, but always fell right back in. Romance novels are ways to escape if there are areas in your life that are not meeting up to your expectations as unrealistic as they might be. Find ways to be happy, know your triggers, and seek God and someone to talk to. It helps and might take a while, but we have to fight the good fight!
Please I really need to understand somethings. Please be patient while reading. I grew up in a christian family with lovely parents. There has never been any moral issues in my family. My father a spiritual leader and his friends were all like him. Highly moral responsible men. So somehow in all my 26 years of life I’ve never known or associated pornography with commited christians. Thought it was something the ‘bad/wayward guys’ get involved in. Well, long story short. Met a guy about middle of last year and started dating him this year. Was sort of a long distance relationship. He attends Christian gatherings and when talks about the scriptures. I was never bothered about his moral life cos of what I’ve always believed. So along the line I accepted his proposal. It was then things started coming up. The latest being that I found out that he visits sites. Had seductive pictures in his system. Okay I asked but he said he just wanted to experiment. That it wasn’t anything serious. And that he doesn’t sleep around. Well I believed him. But was suprised that he kept on visiting the site. Then he reads stories I would call hardcore porn on the internet. Now that where my confusion is. Have always thought porn was only a visual thing but when I went through the stories he was reading (in a site dedicated to only sex stories) I really got confused. Story written by mostly teen boys and their excapades with females (both younger and older). Everything in details. Skin colour, body part size, to mention but a few. So I really don’t know if its porn and be worried there might be something deeper. And get worried of a progression. Plus I forgot to mention that I also noticed he can actually get lost while checking out a lady and would spend time on pictures that showed things like cleavages. So I really don’t know. Is hardcore pornography only visual or can it also be inform of stories? Then what do you advise for this relationship. I’ve really come to love him before I noticed these things and right now I’m heartbroken.
Dear God’s Lady, I read your initial post last week and have not been able to get it out of my mind. I’ve been praying for you. Unfortunately, I had deleted the email and wasn’t sure how to track it again. I’m glad you re-posted. My dear sister in Christ, my first thought and advice is RUN and don’t look back!!! I think you will agree that after reading many of Sheila’s posts about porn, you will see that it is an incredibly addictive, destructive force in a marriage. Unless this guy is wiling to ‘fess up and go into counselling – actively – I would advise you to make a clean break. I know your heart is breaking right now – I can feel your pain and confusion, but I guarantee that this will be nothing compared to the future heartbreak you will experience if you continue on. You mentioned that your dad and his friends are spiritual leaders – have you asked any of them for advice? Or perhaps your mom? I strongly urge you to find someone you can be accountable to while you move forward, because when your heart is invested in someone like yours is with your boyfriend, breaking it off, moving on, holding your ground is a very hard thing to do alone. Surround yourself with Godly women who will nurture and love you! You are so incredibly precious!! Please, I beg you, don’t set yourself up to constantly be competing with the images on paper, magazines, images conjured up with words! You are worth being valued for you, for who God created you to be! Get lost in Christ. I found a quote once, and I don’t remember who said it – Get so lost in Christ that the man who finds you will have to loose himself in Christ first. God will hold you up! He is your Father who loves you passionately and He will never compare you to someone or something else. He will and does cherish you, love you, pursue you……hang on to that! I will continue to pray for you as you seek God, make decisions that may be gut wrenching and heart rending…… In Christ, Helga
Thank you so much for your prayers. I really need it. I pray God really blesses you. Still hurting though and praying God sends me someone much more amazing who loves and fears him.
Spot. On. I was exactly what you described, married, unsatisfied, I started reading the steamy stuff and it definitely affected my relationship with my husband. I was convicted, and compromised with myself. I got rid of all my books, and started reading “Christian” romance, thinking it would make it all fine. I was seriously addicted to them! I had 3 kids at the time, stayed home with them, and was planning on homeschooling them. I would spend all day reading, and I hated myself for it. Thankfully God is patient and helped me get rid of my addiction. I still get the urge to pick up a book once in a while or remember a story line I loved, but I know my limits, so I haven’t read a novel in years!
Haha, I feel like I’m on bookaholics anonymous!
I have been married for 19 years, since 50 shades of grey my wife reads these sorts of books every day. I now will wait for my youngest to turn 18 and then divorce. Tries talking about it but she sees no issue, I am not useless just because I don’t ride a motorbike and don’t have ripping muscles. I am just a guy who works 7 days a week and provides a home for my family.
Oh, that’s awful, David. Have you told her bluntly that it’s wrecking your marriage? Told her what will happen if she doesn’t stop? Or tried to find new hobbies to do with her instead? Sometimes we need a two-pronged approach: Set firm limits, but also try to rebuild a relationship. Sometimes things become boring because we spend no time together. I often tell women whose husbands use porn that yes, they need to be firm about no porn, but they also have to spend time together and rebuild that friendship if anything will work.
I am currently one of the lowest point of my life. I started reading romance novels, the mills and boons and the harlequin romance type when I was in high school. Way back then I read like 3 books and have the tendency to skip some pages to go to the titillating and the juices parts of the book. I read romance novels by pulses especially in times that I felt stress out or just wanted to escape to another world and not deal with reality. Fast forward, to my current situation wherein my financial and personal life is a mess. Financially, I am on a downward spiral because another way for me to deal with stress in my personal life is through shopping in spite of the fact that is beyond my current means. I know that my personal problems is the root of my financial situation and my current addiction to romance novels to the point that I neglected a lot of household chores, study or school work, and to do lists because I just wanted to immerse myself in an alternate reality. The escape I have chosen, shopping and reading romance novels has become an addiction and it has affected my quality of life. In the outside world (at work, friends, and my family), I project that I am holding up pretty good. I do know what the solutions are but the stresses of my life has gotten me that it has incapacitated me. I wish when I was younger, I should have formed a more solid positive habits rather than acquiring the negative ones.