That seems to be the phrase I say the most around our house right now. “How do I get myself into these things?” Because I’ve been doing some awfully weird and uncomfortable things lately.
Take last week, for instance. Those of you who are on my Facebook Page will know that I was contacted by the National Post, Canada’s largest national newspaper, to comment in an article on religious people on sex toys. Seriously. I suppose it’s because of this post titled “Can Christians Use sex toys?” that I wrote a while back, and because she saw that I had a book coming out, the reporter thought she’d try me. It was a fun interview, and the reporter was very kind, but it’s not like five years ago I lay in bed thinking, “you know what I’d really like to do? Talk about sex toys to virtual strangers.” I also find it difficult because it’s not like my views are absolute. I think she was hoping for a black and white statement, but I don’t have one. I think it’s more nuanced than that. The article’s coming out this week, so it will be interesting to see how I was portrayed.
Then yesterday I had to begin the audio recording for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Zondervan is releasing it in audiobook format as well, and they wanted me to read it. I said, “sure! Why not?” But somehow I never quite pictured what it would be like to read the thing OUT LOUD. In a recording studio. With a man I know socially in my hometown reading along every word, and stopping me if I flub so I can start again. I’m not sure what I thought it would be like–I have done radio, after all–but this was weird. So when you actually do buy the book, and you’re reading it, and you come to an explicit part about how things work or how to make things feel good–picture me having to read it out loud. 🙂
I kept telling myself “I’m a professional, I can do this,” and I did get through the first 70 pages yesterday. I have to go in this afternoon to get through the next 70 pages, and I’ll likely have several more sessions. Page 71 launches into how orgasms work, so this will, again, be an uncomfortable day.
Which leads me back to my question, “how do I get myself into these things?” Turn back the clock a little, and it becomes clearer. My first book on marriage, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, had a chapter on sex. Then I started getting emails about that chapter specifically, so I wrote a whole book on it. Then, whenever 100 Huntley Street wanted to talk about sex, or Faith Today magazine (Canada’s Christian magazine) wanted something on sex, they contacted me, because I’d already written something. Soon PromiseKeepers Canada had me as their sex columnist (and I just finished a series of couple devotionals for them for the bedroom). Then my husband and I started speaking at marriage conferences, and spilling everything in front of audiences of hundreds.
It’s not what I intended to do, but somehow I got myself here. Even when I was brainstorming with my agent a year and a half ago about what book to write next, I never wanted to do a sex one. I still have a general women’s book in my head I want to get down on paper. But I did tell him this idea I had for the Good Girl’s Guide, and he said that was more sellable to publishers.
So here I am. And as I was reading out loud the foreword that Pam Farrell wrote for my book yesterday, I clued into why I do get myself into these situations. I think it’s just because I was willing. She’s in the same position, having written books on sex without really thinking that she was going to. But so many people were asking her about it, and she was willing. Many just aren’t.
Sex is so important to a marriage, and yet we’re often uncomfortable talking about it. But we have to talk about it, because people’s marriages will be so much better if we could just figure out this aspect. And so many people have such deep wounds sexually that we need to have good information out there.
In the beginning, when I began speaking about these things, I had to practice saying certain words in front of a mirror. Now I can do so without flinching (even in a recording studio). I didn’t use to share as much as I do now, but what I’ve found is that the more honest and transparent we are, with integrity, the more we help people. So in the book I do share a lot of my journey, much that I used to keep private. But as I shared it at marriage conferences, I figured I may as well do so in the book.
But it still feels very much like God is pushing me and stretching me, because this is just, plain, well, WEIRD. I know it’s not wrong; God created sex, and it’s meant to beautiful, and we all need someplace we can go to with our questions. And I love being able to help women. I pray that I’m helping lots of marriages. Every now and then, though, I still fall into bed at the end of the day and say, “how do I get myself into these things?” I know the answer, but it still can be awkward!
I guess, on the bright side, by the time the book does come out at the end of February, I’ll be so good at talking about this I won’t have to flinch at all anymore!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I, for one am excited about it! I’ve already pre-ordered it! =o)
Sheila, I like you, but I don’t think such intimate questions were meant to be discussed so openly. There’s a reason people are uncomfortable about it. It’s private. It’s meant to be private. We’re created that way. All this sex talk contributes to the phenomenon of “letting it all hang out”. I don’t have any objection to people giving advice, but I find it’s just so out in the open with you.
Suzanne, I understand, but I do think there’s a difference between an advice forum and social settings. I NEVER talk about this in social settings. It’s only at marriage conferences where that’s the topic to be discussed, or on this blog, where people come for advice. That’s really it. And the problem is that I think Christians really have questions, and they don’t have anywhere good to turn right now. So we have to create safe places. And that’s what I’m doing. Again, I don’t talk about it socially. It’s only in these forums where people are going for answers. And I hope that I can give them some!
Incidentally, you’ll find even in my newspaper columns that I don’t talk about it much. It’s just that here is where people come for advice, and if I were to steer clear of it, then where would people go? You should see some of the emails I get from really desperate women needing answers to questions. That’s what motivates me.
It always amazes me the directions that God/life/fate will take us in. I have found, in my short time on this Earth, that it is very often the things that we don’t plan that turn out the best. I don’t a lot of Christian authors were willing to talk about sex, or at least enjoying sex, the way that you are. A lot of people, Christian or not, wont take that leap and come out and admit just how important sex is to a relationship.
Another great thing about the way you write, is that you don’t always make such an emphasis on it being “Christian”. Of course, you do mention that and you talk about what God does and does not want, but whether a person is Christian or not, the advice you give is great advise for any marriage. That applies to your non-sex advice, too.
Sheila,
Thank you for sharing your struggle. I read your blog and other’s like it and think this is something you purpose to go after. I have been as surprised at where I find myself and wonder how I got here. But you do it so well, Sheila! Thank you for being willing!
As much as some things should not be open social conversation, who does a girl turn to for answers to her questions? What do you do when the older women are not instructing the younger women in such things (and yes, “such things” should be discreetly discussed)? With all of the misinformation, wives tales, and guilt/shame-ridden viewpoints, where DOES a girl get true and right perspective about sexuality? I am not Sheila (obviously) nor am I an expert, but even I get repeatedly asked the same questions, and that indicates to me that something is seriously broken in how we are bringing up young women into marriage, self, and sexuality.
Sheila, I for one am so THANKFUL for this blog, for your upcoming book, for your articles and columns… While you do all the hard uncomfortable work, all I have to do is point women to your blog and say “oh read this, it’ll explain a lot” 😉 Thanks for everything you do!
Sheila,
Thank you for being willing to go where God takes you, even if it isn’t always comfortable. Too many people of faith are afraid to talk about sex. Sure the details of sexual activities between a particular husband and wife are meant to be kept private, but that shouldn’t mean we should leave the topic of sex only to those who don’t share a Christian perspective. That’s just crazy thinking. I appreciate the sane, healthy, open, faith-based way you share about this sensitive topic. Keep it up!
Bless you for your obedience!
Scott
Personally, I am very thankful that you are so willing to talk about sex. It IS an awkward conversation topic. But I have struggles with intimacy in my marriage and so it is with great relief that I find a Christian woman talking about it and helping me solve the problems I have (because they are usually M Y problems and not my husband’s). Thanks for being transparenct, honest, and, at the same time, discreet and not vulgar.
You’re so welcome! And I do try not to be vulgar. 🙂
I too am so thankful for you being open and honest about sex, Sheila. Sex is a huge part of marriage and while it should be discussed discreetly, it needs to be DISCUSSED! I’ve pretty much written off reading Christian sex books because they tend to generalize men and women and talk as if EVERYONE has the problems discussed in the book. They make me feel like a freak for not having those problem and for having other problems the book ignores. But if I ever do read another Christian sex book, yours is the only one I would consider because I know your track record for discussing sex and you never make me feel that way! You’re always so sensitive to make sure you don’t alienate anyone who has a unique issue or simply doesn’t have the “usual” issues many couples have.
I’m so grateful you’re willing! This topic is one the church has shied away from far too long. If we would step it up perhaps we would need less counseling later in life over issues like pornography. THANK YOU for being a willing vessel. I found your site{s} just recently and emailed you. {That’s a hint. 😉 } We NEED a place to go. We need wisdom so that we can not only grow in our own marriages but, in turn, help others in need.
Sheila, thank you so much for a women who is willing to talk about sex. It’s only recently that I have come across your site. Already I am filled with new hope for my marriage concerning this important area. I am so encouraged to find women who ARE talking about this. I don’t feel alone here anymore.
You’ve helped me to see how selfish I have been in avoiding sex with my husband. You have reminded me how important sex is in marriage, how important it is for me to be sexually available to my husband, and through your posts I have been convicted that *I* need to be pursuing sex with my husband. Finally, you speak words of hope to our hearts concerning our struggles with sex. Now when my husband and I are met with disappointment, that’s not the end of the story. You remind me that there is still hope for us yet.
Thank you! 🙂
I am so grateful that you are willing! There are some things you just can’t ask other women in person, and your willingness to write has helped me immensely!!
I think you approach the subject very tactfully. It’s a shame that many ‘touchy’ topics are not covered in Christian circles, even in Christian families. If we do not speak our Christian values, then aren’t we abdicated our role of instructing younger women and won’t this void be filled by the world? I think ideally this topic should be taught by your Mom, Grandmom, family member…from there to your home church’s older ladies. But as noone seems to be comfortable or willing to discuss sex and the need and value of it, within the confines of marriage, I’m glad you have answered God’s call to stand in the gap 🙂
I think you should talk about sexuality openly. We all should. It might help some people that are having problems and suffer just because they feel like they can not talk about this openly and get answers to their questions. You rock!
Sheila,
I’m so thankful for you and your openness, you have really helped my marriage because of your perspective and advice I was able to change my way of thinking when it comes to sex. Now my marriage is happier, more intimate, has less conflict, just overall better and I have you to thank, so thank you and I can’t wait to buy your new book when it comes out.
That’s awesome, Vicky! Thank you. I should just copy your comment and put it on a post it note for whenever I’m feeling down. 🙂
I’m really looking forward to the book. I have had problems sexually and looked for help on the net. To be honest, most people have just told me to NOT have sex because I don’t want to. And their advice hasn’t helped me at all. Turns out the solution to not wanting to have sex ISN’T to avoid it. I have been helped so much by your blog. So thank you! My husband thanks you too 🙂
That’s awesome, Emmie! Thank you!
Sheila,
I thank God you have been willing! Praying for you as you go through all this, and that you will continue to be willing to be used of Him to push back the fear and taboo that keeps couples form enjoying sex as He intended.
YOU ROCK!