Lately there’s been so much in the news about the 99% and the 1%, and the story seems to go like this: the 1% are lucky, and it’s not fair. They don’t work very hard but they have a ton of money, and they should share it.
What if that’s actually not a fair representation of reality?
Now I know there are many business people who have grown rich through cronyism with Washington (and that is not real capitalism, by the way), but many businessmen and businesswomen are wealthy because they worked tremendously hard and sacrificed.
I’m not sure if doctors count in the 1%, but most people, I think, consider doctors worthy of the majority of their pay, because they know the work that went into becoming a doctor. My husband is a pediatrician and makes a very decent income (though he’s the lowest paid specialty), but he worked 120+ hour weeks for five years of his residency. He studied hard all through high school and university. He basically had no life until he was 30 (with the exception of marrying me, of course!). We had no vacations, no free time, no money, no house, no car. Today he may not work as many hours, but he routinely is called out of bed in the middle of the night for life-threatening emergencies, and still has to work the next day.
Somehow we tend to acknowledge that doctors work hard, because we can see the training and we see the crazy hours. But those who worked hard to start businesses often don’t get the credit that they deserve, too.
Now, I don’t want this to become a political discussion, because that’s not really my point. But here is what I do want us to realize: when we see someone who is successful, we sometimes assume they started that way and did nothing to earn it.
What we don’t see is all the hard work that goes in along the way.
And I firmly believe that it is exactly the same with marriage and family. I have a great marriage, but it did not start out great. At the FamilyLife Weekend to Remember marriage conference Keith and I spoke at recently, Keith told the story of humor columnist Dave Barry and the synchronized swimmers. At the time that synchronized swimming was being considered for an Olympic event, Dave Barry and one of the sports writers for the Miami Herald both wrote columns saying synchronized swimming was lame and wasn’t a real sport.
Someone from the synchronized swimming team read the column, and invited the two columnists to come to a practice. Being good sports they did. And they were shown how to put their legs in the air, and their arms in the air, and how to twirl, and it looked really easy. And so they tried it. And they sank like stones. The swimmers didn’t let them out of the pool until they agreed to write columns saying “synchronized swimming is really, really hard.”
Synchronized swimming looks easy, but what you don’t see is all the paddling that is going on below the surface of the water to keep everyone afloat. And I believe marriage is like that. A good marriage may look easy, and it’s tempting to say, “well, her marriage is only good because she has a great husband,”, or “if I had a guy like that, my marriage would be easy, too.”
But you don’t see all the paddling that is going on below the surface.
If I can switch gears for a moment, in 1998 Judith Harris wrote a book called The Nurture Assumption, where she looked at what really does influence a child’s values–nature or nurture? And she found it was the environment, but not the environment you would think. By the age of 11, children get their values and morals primarily from peers and teachers, and not parents. And that’s the way it stays.
When I first read that I felt really depressed. But then I realized: Harris was studying the 99%. She wasn’t studying the 1%. Yes, most people won’t pass on values to their kids. Yes, most people won’t have really satisfying marriages. Yes, most people won’t be tremendously successful in this life. That’s because most people run on default: they follow the culture, and they don’t really challenge assumptions.
But in business, that’s not what the 1% did. They took risks. They sacrificed. They gave up free time and partying and pleasure so they could get ahead. And now they are reaping the benefits. I think it’s the same with family.
We need to decide: do we want to be that 1%, that group that really does try, and that goes to extraordinary efforts, and that sacrifices a lot, so that we can reap tremendous benefits later?
Or will we be like the 99%, and live mediocre lives?
I don’t want a mediocre family. I don’t want a mediocre marriage. But I recognize that 1% marriages aren’t there by luck. They’re there because people are trying hard, and sacrificing hard, and praying hard. They’re in the 1% because those people have decided to act like 1%ers. Marriage takes hard work; but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
It took a lot of work for my marriage to get where we are today. I gave up my career goals. I gave up my education. I had to get over my pride and stop trying to win all fights. I had to deal with my emotional baggage–and I had a lot! I had to decide not to resent Keith when he just wasn’t home during the baby years and I was completely and utterly exhausted. I had to forgive him for hurting me before we were married. And there is so, so much more. And he had so much to forgive and adjust to, too. Neither of us is living the kind of life we dreamed we would live. But that’s because dreams change, and I’ve realized that my life now is better than if I hadn’t sacrificed. It’s better than if I had gone ahead and chosen the path I was supposed to.
That may sound like a big job, and it is. But here’s the good news:
Being in the 1% is not a matter of luck or chance.
It’s simply a matter of choice and of hard work. Of course, your husband needs to be on board, too, but you can start the ball rolling by changing yourself. Maybe you may never be in the top 1% economically–most of us won’t, and I’m not even sure if doctors qualify–but anyone, regardless of income level, can be in the 1% when it comes to family, which is what’s really important. Marriage takes hard work–so put in the work.
Over the next few years I’m going to have to sacrifice and hurt some more as I watch my kids grow up. But I will do that, because I want to be in the 1%. And that takes work, and perseverence, and prayer. It isn’t easy, but it isn’t chance, either. Which group do you want to be in?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
GREAT post, Sheila! It sounds like you became a true living sacrifice for your marriage and family. That definitely is not taught in today’s society. Reaping heavenly rewards, however, is so much more fulfilling.
Short term pain for long term gain.
Thanks, Lori! In rereading it, I’m afraid it made it sound like I made most of the sacrifices. I really didn’t. My husband made huge sacrifices, too. But that’s what it’s about: choosing your priorities and then living your priorities. Every choice involves a sacrifice, and I hope more people start choosing their families!
Great post! It really blessed me this morning, I am motivated to be part of the 1% in marriage and my family. God bless you Sheila.
Thanks for the synchronized swimming analogy. That really resonated with me because I took synchronized swimming lessons in high school for a few years. I know how hard it is!
Sheila, what an awesome point you make, especially that the happy people look like they are just lucky. In interviewing couples across the country, I learned many of the happiest couples went through the toughest times together (some by no fault of their own, others due to poor choices). They were changed by adversity and recommitted to their marriages, but it often took many years of hard work to get to the great place.
I also appreciate your point about instilling values in our kids. Reading that research might have made me despondent, but your point is so true: How many people really put an effort into that area every day? Great reminders if we want to be part of the 1% who are successful in marriage and family life.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
Lori Lowe
http://www.LoriDLowe.com
Thanks for a wonderful post. My husband and I have crated a successful marriage as well. I don’t look at it as giving anything up or making sacrifices. We have made ‘choices’ that support our marriage and family. I chose not to complete my PhD so my husband could move ahead in his career. I received a ton of grief at the time but I knew why I made the decision. I have never felt resentment or regret because it was in the best interest of the marriage. The 1% know that when they married they became You Plus and all decisions must take your partner into account. It’s a great goal that’s achievable if you learn what works.
Lesli, it sounds like you and I are very similar! I left postgraduate work in academia, too, and I’ve never looked back!
So my family could only be in the 1% if I became a SAHM? Seriously? I’m not sure what being at home has to do with having a good marriage anyways. From real life examples, I think my husband and I actually have a better marriage than a lot of our friends where the wife doesn’t work.
Nurse Bee, I didn’t say that. What I said is that I made certain sacrifices that made my marriage work. Those were some of the sacrifices that I made that made my marriage work. You, I’m sure, have made your own sacrifices. The point is that we have to decide that marriage is our main priority, and then act accordingly. That may look different for different people, but we have to act on it. We can’t expect that our marriages will miraculously work out if we don’t prioritize them.
In general, I do believe that couples will have a less stressful life if one parent is able to stay at home. That may not be possible for all parents, as I have written about before.
But in my case, what justification would there be for me to work? My husband makes a great salary. Why wouldn’t I stay at home to make sure that my kids got the best care and that I was less stressed? If I had decided to pursue my own dreams–the dreams I had then–my marriage and my kids would have suffered. Instead, I dreamed new dreams, which have actually worked out amazingly better than anything else I could have planned.
Things may look differently for you, but the point of my post was that I made the sacrifices I thought I had to for my marriage. I’m sorry if that wasn’t clear.
It wasn’t clear (especially with your link to your post about why you are at home). My life (and marriage) would certainly be more stressful if I was at home. Each situation is going to be different, as you said. I would really call it sacrifice though. I love my husband and my family, they are my life and what I chose, I don’t feel that I’m giving up anything.
You said: “My husband makes a great salary. Why wouldn’t I stay at home to make sure that my kids got the best care and that I was less stressed? ”
To add to my comment above, I completely get that. But perhaps you (and others like you) sometimes fail to understand or believe that many of us do not find ourselves in that situation.
Hey, someone showed me this post and after reading I have a point I’d like to bring up. While I recognize that you are not trying to make a political argument, I feel the need to clarify that what people are referring to as “the 1%” is not at all doctors like your husband. It is not even synonymous with the wealthy – the one per cent is a tiny fraction even of the wealthy in America, people like the the chairs of fortune 500 companies who make more money than they or even their children could ever hope to spend. No one is arguing that people who make enough money to live comfortably should not be allowed to do so, rather that the system by which major players in large corporations make most of the money in the world and quite simply could never use all of it, while plenty of hard-working Americans barely make enough to live on, is fundamentally at fault.
I understand that, but I’ve heard different things from different people! And I’ve watched some of the debates from large business owners debating with some OWS protesters, saying that it took them 35 years to build their businesses into something that can hire 200 employees–35 years of really hard work. I agree that many corporate CEOs make way too much (as do movie stars and sports figures), but that’s a shareholder problem. And it’s largely a government problem, which has created crony capitalism in the first place!
But I am relieved to hear that the 1% doesn’t include doctors–I guess :). That means no one’s mad at me!
This is a fabulous post. So much of it resonated with me.
And I have to add, as the mother of a babe who has caused your husband to be called out of bed, I am and will always be, very grateful for both of your sacrifices that allow him to do that job.
Thanks, Alison! That’s sweet. Great to see someone local here!
Just wanted to let people know that I will approve comments that are talking about marriage or family in some way. I’m not going to approve comments that are just talking about the Occupy movement, because you can go to political blogs to talk more about that. The point of this post is really about marriage, so if you have something that you’d like to say about marriage, I’d love to hear it! Otherwise, I really don’t want a primarily political discussion going on in the comments. Sorry! But that’s not what this blog is about.
Just came across your blog today for the first time.
This is an amazing post, and so true in every aspect. My husband just graduated from dental school and so many times I want to tell people that the nice house we have now isn’t how we started out. He started college 7 years into our marriage and it took hard work, sacrifice and God to give us the strength to see it through.
I am also learning that dreams change. Funny thing is, while what I thought I’d be “when I grow up” is very different than where I’m at now this is so much better. God’s ways are always most definitely better than our plans.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights!
Thanks for commenting, Leah! That must have been really difficult–him going back to school once you’re already married. But I think you’re so right–dreams change. And when they change, they usually end up better!
This is a great post. Its true both for the business, life and marriage. To be in that top %, you gotta work hard. I want a 1% marriage, and right now, I think we are pretty close. And that’s because we work hard at it. Yeah, there are lean times, like when Hubby is writing a paper (he’s in a PhD program) or studying for an exam, but then we fill up in the off times (like Christmas break).
Thank you for reminding me why I work hard at marriage!
Sheila I really appreciated this post. It struck a chord within me for sure. I love how you put a positive spin on having to give up your dreams by making new ones. You know it took me a long time to realize that we do change and we can change our dreams too.
It took my husband and I 19 years to get smart on some of these things. I had a dream to be a SAHM and I knew it was best for my family, but then I started feeling like a doormat and that I was the one making all the sacrifices. I was so blind! I know what you mean about being left alone with the babies, believe me!I lived with resentment for years. He was blind too…to so much.
Thank God for grace (I guess He was the paddling that was fiercely keeping us above water)and now we are working hard to have a better marriage and its like starting over, but the first 19 years were the foundation and IT WAS A LOT OF HARD WORK! As Rachael says… there are lean times and the love tanks get emptied and we have to work had to fill them back up.
Thanks for this very encouraging post.
Lisa, thanks for commenting! I’m glad that you’re starting over, in a way. That’s great! And I hope that you find real joy in your marriage now.
It’s much easier to be in that 1% if you could afford to go to college, then graduate school and then get poorly paid while managing your debt. But not everyone has those opportunities. Some people are born dirt poor, have no choice but to go to bad schools, have no access to decent libraries or computer labs, where they could teach themselves. Some people have to start working as teens and quit school to support their families. Some kids grow up in remote areas where there are no jobs and nothing to do.
All that hard work is probably not going to get them into the 99%, is it?
Some people are working so hard to stay above water that they don’t have anything left to “work on their marriages” because there just isn’t energy or time. All there is are bills, debt and hoping you won’t get fired while the unemployment rate is so high.
Your arguments are so heavily based on a privileged viewpoint. To quote the scout, “if you were from where I was from, you’d be dead.”
Go to the poorest town in your state, go to the local school, look at their library and their class sizes, count how many homeless people you can see on the street, see how many business look like they’re on the outs… And you tell me that anyone can be in that 1% you’re talking about. Because I can guarantee you the people you’re looking at tried.
Are you really saying that poor people can’t have good marriages? Are you serious? Isn’t that rather condescending? It’s also not historically accurate or statistically accurate. The difference between happiness levels in marriage is not income based nearly as much as it is choice based. Those who value marriage, and who wait until after they are married to have children, are far less likely to be poor in the long run and far more likely to be happy. Those who have children before they are married are far more likely to be poor and far more likely to be unhappy in their marriages (and more likely to divorce). When people wait, and choose marriage, they tend to go up the income ladder and up the happiness ladder.
But let’s look historically. Around 1920, those with the happiest marriages also tended to be dirt poor: it was those in the African American community. In the 1600s, those with the best marriages tended to be the Puritans, who fled England to a place where they could set up their families and their churches the way they wanted to. Happiness does not correlate nearly as much with income as you seem to think it is, and to tell people “you’ll never be happy unless you have money” is really a Marxist view of the world (which sees everything in terms of capital). And it’s not accurate. People can make good choices and bad choices at any income level or education level.
I’m saying your analogy is so flawed you should have stepped back and thought about it, before saying some foolish, privileged things about hard work being all it takes to get by in life. The occupy movement has nothing to do with your idea of christian marriages.
And yeah, everything is harder when you are poor. I know, I’ve been both. And so what you’re saying? Infuriates me. I only got past the poverty line because my mother had an education to start. If she hadn’t I’d have stayed in my dead end town and stayed poor. If we’d been in the states she’d have had so much financial debt from that education it would’ve been moot.
Check your analogies, you think working hard is all it takes to get by in business? It ain’t. You think all marriages will work out just because you tried your best? They won’t. And for the people it didn’t work out for, they should not feel guilty in the least. They gave it a shot and didn’t get there.
All I ask is that you try to empathize with the poor and stop using current media as an analogy for your topics. It is facile.
So what you’re saying, then, Ada, is that if you are in a difficult situation, there is nothing you can do. You are hopeless. You are a victim. Hard work won’t help; you may as well just give up.
I don’t think that’s a very good message, nor is it true. Look, life isn’t fair. Of course it’s not. Some people are born richer than others. Some people are born with better parents, in better neighbourhoods, in better countries. Some people have more opportunities. Absolutely.
But the fact remains that no one else is responsible for your future except for you. No one else cares enough. No one else can devote the energies into your future that you can. No one can devote the energies into your marriage that you can.
To say that it is not about hard work is the same thing as saying that people are destined to fail because of the situation they find themselves in. I do not believe that that is true. I grew up in a very poor family, the daughter of a single mother. I studied hard, paid my way through university, worked hard, and married well. And I have worked hard at my marriage. I did not grow up privileged. Steve Jobs did not grow up privileged.
Look, there is corruption in this world, but I don’t think the divide is between the rich and the poor, as the Occupy folks say. I believe that it’s between those who work hard and produce, and those who are parasites and live off of others–and the parasites come at all income brackets, as do the producers. It all comes down to whether you are contributing, or whether you think others should make your life better for you.
No one else can do that. It’s up to you. No one else can make your marriage better, either. That’s up to you. You are not a victim. No matter how hard your life is, you have choices. If you choose to concentrate on those choices, you can make your life better. If you choose to blame everyone else and everything else for your problems–even if you are right–you will never get ahead.
Thank you for writing such an inspiring post, Sheila. I have to say every word you said resonated with the way i live and it felt so wonderful to actually read someone else write out the same philosophy that you have been brought up to live by and get even more reassurance that you are doing the right thing. See, my mother had to do most of the parenting in my brother’s and my life because my father had to travel a lot with his work. Mom had always been the 1% kind of person in her own life, doing what she believed was the righ thing even if it seemed odd and different from her surrounding environment. Likewise, she raised my brother and I to the same values and would always tell us to do what we believed was right and what we beleived God would want us to do, and so we grew up becoming different than the 99% crowd, and happily knowing that we can do whatever we believe in even if we are the only people believing in it. As a wonderful gift from God I was blessed with a man who also believed in the same things and we agreed from the beginning of our relationship that we are going to be amongst the 1% of happily married couples and to raise our future children to be the same way even if it takes a ton of work on our side. Now, three and a half years later into our marriage we have a highly fulfilling relationship (and friendship) even though God knows we have had our struggles and down times! But we would always get back on track and remind each other the pact we made to begin with. It’s not an easy road, i admit, it takes a lot of sacrifice and maturity to be able to deal with many things without getting our egoes in the way, but the payoff is sooo rewarding that it refuels us to keep going and to make even more sacrifices for the sake of a happy family. The best part is knowing that my two and a half year old daughter and her little sister who is yet to come in 3 months time will grow up seeing a unique role model of how a relationship should be in a marriage that they will never accept anything less in their own lives.
Again, thank you, and may God bless all our lives and marriages.
I think marriage is hard work especially when you get older. Women I think have to cope with most things that are thrown at them we are seen as being able to cope with most things in life. Depression is more likely to attack women than men in most cases. Of course men have their problems to and I don’t think to generalise is the answer. Many people once they marry seem to slip into bad habits some seem to stop caring about certain aspects of their relationship and if apathy and discontent comes into the relationship I think that causes lots of problems. Some men get married to have their wife waiting on them and leave much of the household chores to their partner or wife. And many women work to nowadays. I think if you want a successful relationship or marriage you need to respect your partner and not take each other granted.