Why do we women often find it so hard to just say yes to sex?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! And today I’m wondering if married women should adopt Nike’s slogan when it comes to making love: Just do it!
I read a tweet on Twitter recently from @Intimacy4Life (from the blog Intimacy in Marriage) that said:
Sex matters in a marriage. If we say it doesn’t, we’ve believed a lie somewhere along the way.
I absolutely agree. Sex is what God created to glue us together. It is extremely intimate. Sex has the capacity for being extremely fun. It is relaxing.
And yet so often women’s primary attitude towards sex is, “my husband wants sex too much. How can I get away with not doing it very often?”
Now, I know for some women you’d love to make love more, but your husband isn’t interested. For you, I’d recommend this post on what to do when your husband’s libido is low. But I want to talk to the rest of the women today.
I often get questions that say something like this: “My husband wants to make love every day, and I’d be happy with once every two weeks. How often do we have to make love? Can we compromise on once a week? Is that okay?” Or they say something like, “If I just make love twice a week, then I’m average, right? So he can’t complain?”
In other words, the focus is: What’s the minimum I can do and still be considered a good wife?
Why are we focused on doing the minimum when it comes to sex, rather than looking for reasons to say yes to sex?
It’s because we’re tired, sex doesn’t always feel that great, we’re not in the mood, and we’d rather just sleep. Sex is a hassle. It’s something kind of pathetic that he needs, and I want to deal with it so I can stop worrying about it. So let’s do the minimum.
That’s a really lousy attitude. I know that’s how many women feel, but it’s awfully counterproductive. So let me offer another suggestion, and it may sound radical:
Rather than focusing on how many times a week or a month you MUST make love, ask yourself this: TONIGHT, do I have a good reason to say no? And if you don’t, say yes.
In other words, don’t keep track. Don’t say, “well, we made love two nights ago, so I’m off the hook today.” Think of each night as a new night when you can show love to your husband. And ask yourself, “do I have a good reason to say no?” And if you don’t, say yes!
I guarantee that if you start saying yes to sex, your marriage will improve.
You’ll keep your husband happy, he’ll feel like a million bucks, but you’ll also feel closer to him. You’ll be more relaxed around him at other times, too, because you won’t have to worry that he’s upset at you for not making love. He’ll feel closer to you, so he’ll likely talk to you more. And your body will be more relaxed!
So what are good reasons for refusing sex?
Your period, obviously. Illness. Extreme depression or worry so you can’t concentrate.
But I wouldn’t put exhaustion on that list, for a few reasons. First, sex actually makes you sleep better, and it’s not like it takes an hour. If you make love as soon as you crawl into bed, you’ll likely only delay getting to sleep for fifteen minutes, but you will sleep more deeply, and wake up more refreshed. You’ll likely drop off more quickly, too, because you won’t have any lingering guilt or worries that he wanted to make love.
Of course, if sex hurts, you need to deal with it. And if you’re haunted by flashbacks from sexual abuse, you need to deal with that, too. If it doesn’t feel very good, so you don’t see what all the fuss is about, read this post on how to make it feel better! In other words, work on your reasons for saying no so that they don’t last forever. I know some of us have major barriers in the bedroom (I did), but you can get over them. And dedicate yourself to doing so, with the thought that you do want to have fun!
If you take this attitude–I’ll say yes to sex unless I have a really good reason for saying no–so much in your marriage will change.
But one final caveat: when I conducted my surveys for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, over and over again men wrote on their survey, “I’ve been turned down so many times I just stop asking now.” Perhaps you think your husband isn’t that interested in sex because he never initiates, so you’re doing fine. That’s likely not true. He may never initiate because he’s frustrated and a little humiliated. So let’s turn the challenge into this: “If you don’t have a good reason for not making love, jump him!” Don’t wait for him to proposition something; you initiate sex. And you’ll likely find you have a very happy husband!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great advice, Sheila! I bet there will be some happy hubbies tonight.
Thanks, J! And I know some wives may be a little bit ticked, but I hope everyone sees the spirit in which I wrote this: just get out of all that stuff that’s going on in your head and jump in! Everything’s so much less stress after that!
What about us wives who do like sex, and would like to have it more often, but our husbands are unwilling? What then? He makes me feel like I am wrong for wanting intimacy with him, like I am nasty or something. I guess this is how some men feel, and if so then I feel sorry for them. Good advice here.
That’s definitely a hard situation, and I wrote about it a few weeks ago. You can find that post right here: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2011/09/posts-3/. Hope that helps!
It does help explain, thank you.
..and that time of the month isn’t always a reason to say no (as long as it’s not a painful time).. with some creativity (can you say shower) and as long as both parties are ok with it. Sometimes I find “that” week to be the time that I have the highest libido of my cycle. Thanks for another great post encouraging wives! I went through a difficult time after my second child was born where I had a very low drive (for myself, I was even wondering if it was a hormonal imbalance or affect of birth control, even though it hadn’t happened after my first child). I really struggled because I wanted to say ‘yes’ (and often did when I really didn’t feel like it) and didn’t get much fulfillment except knowing I was showing my husband love. It was probably about 1.5yrs that I struggled with this but am happy to say that things have gone back to what they used to be and even better! I am glad that I just said yes in the hard times. God knows that we women need sex too even if we don’t realize it until afterwards 🙂
Great points, Ellen! And I love your encouragement: that you can go through a dry spell at times, but if you persist through it, things will often improve!
over and over again men wrote on their survey, “I’ve been turned down so many times I just stop asking now.”
Indeed. This applies equally for a single man seeking courtship, and for a married man seeking sex from his wife. In both cases, legions of men have learned the hard way: If she’s not interested enough to make the first move, she’s not interested. Initiation is futile. It violates every male instinct to refrain from attempting to initiate, but, eventally you discover that it just doesn’t work. Or very, very rarely, at best.
I’m going to get radical here and offend some people, but I think many wives and some husbands need to hear this: If your spouse feels the temptation to masturbate, you are not having sex often enough. My opinion; value it based on what you paid for it.
Thanks for that perspective. I do think it’s important for women to remember to initiate. I think a lot of women are happy that their men aren’t that interested, and they don’t realize that the guys have just tuned out. That’s scary.
Sheila, I appreciate this so much. I was at a “girl’s night out” with two women that I knew REALLY well and mentioned (not bragged) that I never turned my husband down for sex. My comment was, “It’s a very small time investment in my marriage that has huge returns.” I can still picture the looks on their faces. They simply couldn’t imagine. Granted, I’m married to an amazing man who listens to what I need in and out of bed, but I think part of that is because I am willing to listen to him. Thanks for encouraging all of us.
Hi Sarah! Nice to see you here and not just on Twitter. Here’s what I wonder: how much of your husband being an amazing husband has to do with your attitude towards sex? I think they’re related. I think that as we meet his needs, he meets ours. So yes, you have a great husband, but perhaps you’ve also created the environment that makes him great, if that makes sense. I know not everyone will have that much camaraderie and intimacy, but I do think that if we start reaching out to him, our level of intimacy will increase, even if we don’t end up with an “amazing” marriage. It will still get better, and that’s worth aiming for!
The bible says not to deprive each other except by MUTUAL consent. There’s a very strong argument for this meaning a husband or wife should NEVER turn each other down when physically capable (one I happen to believe). Some women like to then point out that the bible says that the husband’s body belongs to the wife, so if she doesn’t want sex, he can’t use his body to have sex with her. That type of interpretation seems obviously taken out of context. However, even if that’s a valid interpretation, the other part of that verse states that the wife’s body belongs to the husband, so then she should have sex when he wants. If both the husband and wife try to demand their version of sexual frequency supported by this verse, you get a 50% compromise. So if you choose the toxic mentality of what is the minimum amount of sex according to the bible, it would be a 50% compromise. Once every 2 weeks for the wife + 14 times every two weeks for the husband = 15 times total divided by 2 or 7.5 times in two weeks. So a 50% compromise in this situation would be right about every other day. Any woman that is not meeting her husband at least halfway sexually is failing as a wife according to the worst interpretation of the bible.
Now to help women who might feel overwhelmed by this initially, most men only seem to want sex every day because they are deprived. If you only eat two meals a day when you really need three, you will always be hungry and seem obsessed with food. Once you start eating regularly, after an initial pig out from feeling starved, you will be satified with three meals a day. So if a woman starts to say yes every time her husband wants sex, he wil likely initially go gangbusters until he feels secure in his wife’s new attitude, then will probably be fine with sex 3 or 4 times a week, maybe less. One other thing women need to realize is that there is no such thing as marital love without sex from most men’s perspective. Most men want real love in a marriage, not just sex. However, love without sex doesn’t exist in his reality; it’s like a flying unicorn. If you don’t WANT sex with your husband, he will always interpret that (on some level) as meaning you don’t really love him, no matter what you say. So a lot of the desire for sex is connected with feeling loved and expressing love.
Excellent points, J! Thanks so much for that!
When we got married, we agreed that we’d have sex EACH day. There’s the rare day when it doesn’t happen, but we have found it great for staying connected in our marriage. It helps us keep our commitment to ‘not let the sun go down on our anger’ too – you can’t be intimate when you’re upset with the other. Even with having 2 kids in 2 years, coming up to our third anniversary (yes, we’re still at the beginning) we’ve more than kept to our ‘sex agreement’. And like marriage, it isn’t based on (my) feelings, but on our commitment to each other.
One particular commenter has complained about the moderating policy on this post. She left two comments–the first contained profanity. The second one complained about me not letting the first one through. First, all commenters are moderated until their first comment has been approved. That would have been true no matter who you had been. Second, I do not let profanity through on this site. If you would like to make a comment without using profanity, and without being rude, I would be happy to let it through, even if it disagrees with me. You can see many comments disagreeing with me, especially on more recent posts. But I never let profanity through. Engage in honest, polite discussion and you’re more than welcome. But this is my blog; I have the right to decide what goes on it.
As a husband of 10 years who has sex 3 or 4 times per month, I agree with J who commented on the “going gangbusters for a while” comment. I notice that on the rare occasion that we have sex twice in the first three days after her period is over, my mind seems free and unoccupied with sex for 2 to 3 days. But most of the time, we have sex and then I’m preoccupied with thinking about the next one until it happens 4 or 5 days later, and then I am preoccupied again until the next one. In J’s food analogy, it like eating a sandwich for dinner and then skipping breakfast and lunch. Am I starving to death? No. But you can bet I’m always thinking about it! Now, if I have breakfast lunch and dinner, it doesn’t phase me to skip breakfast and just have brunch, or whatever. Anyways, I would define “satisfaction” as being not preoccupied with wanting sex. For me, that means frequency.
To the girl who said her friends were amazed that she never turns down sex, not only are your friends amazed, but men like me read these things on the Internet and so we know there is hope, and that it isnt unreasonable. The problem being that our wives are NOT reading these things on the internet. So it builds a small amount of resentment. 🙁
I don’t like feeling that way about my wife, so I go through periods where I don’t initiate. The blog mentioned this condition as a result of being turned down too much so men just give up. But I wanted to point out that I am tired of feeling resentful, so it is just easier to not try. At first, I thought i would reap the benefits of not pressuring her or me, but after a while I just figured out that life is great for her, and I am secretly thinking more and more about when I will have a chance to masturbate. And to make it worse, I have to manage that against the odds of her actually wanting to have sex( I would hate to miss the real thing because I took care of business myself in the shower. It’s a sad, lacking substitute)
But it isn’t fair to either of us. But she doesnt want to know. And talking about it makes it worse. Everything I do like sitting on the couch, rubbing her feet, helping around the house, it all goes into her category “just so you could get sex”. Flowers, favors, flirting, listening…it’s all tainted once I initiate. So I don’t. Except for high probability 3 times a month. It isn’t enough though.
One last issue: She has a thing I call “Just because of ——, doesn’t mean we are going to have sex, and I’m going to prove it by avoiding or sabotaging sex at all costs”
Fill in the blank with hubby’s birthday, Valentin’s day, anniversary, the kids are at sleepovers, we are in a hotel room without the kids, etc….
I don’t know why, but these sort of foregone conclusions are like anti-sex kryptonite. She’d rather wait one more day and have sex when it is less convenient to avoid these “obligatory excuses for sex”. Her whole attitude is screaming “I don’t want to, but I will” which is really getting old. But I am told I should be happy with 3 or 4 times a month.
But in a 28 day cycle, 12 days are off limits due to period (yes, 12 days. That’s 2 days before, 8 to 10 days long). That leaves 16 days. If we have sex, 1 on and 3 off at best, you can’t get 5 times. And most of the time, there is a 6 to 8 day gap somewhere in that 16 days. The result is frustration, and me feeling like a jerk because I am “running the numbers” and trying to “prove my point”…. Uhhg.
Then I read about these happy couples that are doing it every day or every other day and I think how blissful life would be to be free from these driving thoughts. Once, a few years ago, I told her that, and she said that proves that I am the one with a problem. So now I don’t talk about this anymore. I know she’ll never hit any of these Internet boards, because for her none of it is a problem.
Sorry such a long post
I have been married to my wife, whom I love dearly, for over 30 years. I will confess that before we were married we were not Christians, and acted like we weren’t also. I take responsibility for our premarital fornication and know we were sinning doing it. We became Christians shortly before our wedding but I believe the damage was already done because I really see now that our sexual intimacy was never what I believe it should be. I have always had a stronger sex drive than her and I understand that married life stress, raising children and time going by can undermine an intimate relationship.
I would be happy with intimacy 3-4 times a month. I am usually resolved to be content with sex(read: no intimacy) once a month or maybe every third or forth week. I too, have long ago stopped expecting it or hoping for it. Why set myself up for disappointment. Whenever she mentions it we go thru the motions or maybe every other month or so I will try to suggest something but it has become just like rolling the dice to know if it will happen or not.
I won’t go through all our history of ups and downs but I really feel like our lack of intimacy has contributed to a passivity which in-turn fuels more lack of intimacy. I agree with Mark’s response about if he were satisfied in this area he could go longer between times without feeling ‘deprived’, and this is Paul’s words not mine.
I admit that I have not initiated for many times because of my concern for her health but she just does not accept this as a real reason and says that I should still always be the initiator but why do I want to keep asking and being told no or being made to feel like I am weird for wanting her this way. God has given ONLY her to me to ‘satiate’ my sexual desires and I only want her and am always eager to please her any way and as long as she desires. Unfortunately I feel like she lost a desire to do the same for me years ago. Maybe because of our prior sins, her health conditions, our marriage problems(many of which I think satisfaction in this area would solve) I feel like she just goes through the physical act to “check it off the to-do list”.
It has gotten to the point that I almost would rather not ever have sex any more because I know how much I will enjoy it and really enjoy pleasing her but I know that after we do it will then be another three or four weeks before she will agree to again.
I can’t imagine having a wife who wants to enjoy her sexuality and sharing that with me as much or more than I do. I just can’t believe there are Christian women out there like that. It is depressing.
I’d love to share this post with my wife, but I’m afraid she’ll get resentful and hold out even longer.
I have been turned down what I feel is way too much. Sometimes my wife won’t even kiss or hug me for fear that it’s going to lead to sex. I hear all the time that she’s tired of being in charge of everyone in the house or being needed by our kids, then to have ME come along and need her too.
I’ve been told that we are average or even above average for number of times we have sex (2-3 times per week).
I’ve been told that her friends only do it a few times per month so I should feel lucky.
I’ve been told I’m a sex addict.
I’ve been told that I think about it too much.
I’ve done the “love languages” test and am definitely am a Physical Touch person; I’ve shared this with my wife and I feel like she does try at times to show me she loves me by cuddling while watching TV or maybe scratching my back once in a while.
I am just frustrated because I feel like I am the one that always has to initiate, always has to get the ball rolling. I don’t feel like she ever really wants me – instead she has it on her schedule and will try to make it work.
I’ve hinted around at lingerie from time to time and have decided to just give up that pursuit.
So, that’s my story. I don’t want to be mad at her. I don’t want to feel like I always need sex. I want to be “normal”. But right now I feel all these things more often than I’d like.
Any recommendations?
You ARE lucky in terms of frequency. Other areas like her initiating, being sexy, your desire is reasonable.
I sent links to your pages to my wife and she turned it around on me and made me out to be a huge butthole. It is always my fault or my problem. Dont get your hopes up guys. If your unhappy in your marriage and she is unwilling you should seriously consider leaving. Nothing will change. Thanks for getting my hopes up, though.
Scott, I’m so sorry that was her reaction. Perhaps if she sits on it a little and thinks about it she’ll come around a bit. I did write this post for husbands to show their wives first; I’m not sure if you sent it to her, but this is likely a better place to start: Why Your Husband Wants you to Read This.
I wish my wife would read this! I’ve been so sexually frustrated it is starting to effect the way I feel about her. We are a really young couple sex should not be an issue!
My wife and I have been in a difficult situation all of our life has been stolen we are homeless, even our car has been stolen. She’s 8 months pregnant and I am 50 years old She 33 she has a big block towards sex she believes I’m not wanting her but someone else. She won’t make the first move sexually and I have been asking myself why. She’s had an affair and I am getting the blame. I have failed and have nothing else to bring to be there 4 us no work not much money and I am losing hope of everything. Can you offer any suggestions? I’m a Christian and I’ll do as much as possible to be whatever I have to just need some help.
I don’t have the answers but God does! Praying for you and your family Sean!
My husband and I are both in our late 40’s and have been married for just over 14 years. As is almost predictable, everything was wonderful for the first couple years, then slowly but surely the sex/love-making began to taper off. I’d say for at least 2 to 3 years now, we have been living like roommates. We didn’t really fight a lot, but neither of us was really happy.
Over time I started to feel depressed, I put on some extra weight (as did he), and I just simply wasn’t interested in sex so much anymore. Mainly because I didn’t feel good about me. Sometimes when he actually WOULD approach me, I’d make up some excuse not to. Not because I didn’t love him, but because I just wasn’t in the same place he was at the time. After a while, he just stopped trying. Of course, not really understanding how all the rejections had made him feel over the years, I started to feel neglected when he stopped trying. That didn’t really help matters either.
Recently I can across an article where the woman was talking about her marriage and how she says “yes” anytime her husbands wants to. At first I thought “yeah, right”. Then I read on and I saw where she was coming from and it started to click. Somehow I came across this article and it drove the point home even more. I started to realize that it wasn’t so much that he didn’t love me and want me anymore…he probably just gave up because I’d made him feel rejected and probably just like I was feeling, neglected.
I did a LOT of soul searching and reading and studying on the subject and I came to a conclusion…if I wanted our marriage to be better, for us both to be happy and feel that wonderful closeness again I was going to have to make a move. So, a few nights ago I told him I wanted to talk with him. I told him that I was tired of living like roommates and that I wanted us to feel that closeness again. I explained to him that I now know what he must’ve been feeling and that I’d started feeling the same way and that I never meant for things to get like that. I wasn’t taking complete blame, but I wasn’t coming out and blaming him to his face either. I think we both knew it was a two way street.
Anyway, to sum it up, the past few days/nights have been the most wonderful we’ve had together in a very long time. I’m not just talking about physical pleasures, but the mental and spiritual ones as well.
For you husbands out there whose wife just isn’t getting it and isn’t wanting to….don’t give up on her if you know you love her and you believe she loves you, too. She may just not realize how you feel. She may not realize and fully understand how the times she’s turned you down were making you feel rejected and scared to even try anymore. It may be the cycle we were in where eventually we both were resentful which makes it harder to see that we each had a part to play in where we had gotten to. Show her love and affection if you can. Little things…a note, a smile, a touch (not just grabbing a boob in passing, a real tender loving touch). TELL her how much you love her and you want to be close to her. Make sure she knows you want that intimacy, not JUST sex…then be patient. If you keep that up, I bet she will come around. Show her this website but not in a blaming way. I don’t know, just keep trying. If you can bring her around to realizing how much more wonderful HER life will be when she opens up to you, both of you will benefit.
My husband and I are now feeling better and sleeping better than we’ve done in many years. I don’t say that to make you jealous. I say it because I want you to know that just recently…like just a few short days ago…. I thought our situation was hopeless and I thought I was destined to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. When I stopped and read and thought about what I wanted and I took the time to really talk with my husband about it all…things changed so fast.
I’ve made the determination and I told him this last night…no matter what, I want us to keep this closeness and that as long as there is no physical reason (illness, etc) that I can’t…I will always be here for him as long as he understands that sometimes I might need a little “warming up” first.
And for the ladies, if you are reading this and you have been holding back for any reason…I promise you. If you will look at your man and think about the fact that this wonderful person has CHOSEN to share his life with you and only you…think about how good it would feel to give yourself to him completely and be close to him again…I mean, how great a feeling is it to know that you two can share something so wonderful? Let go of resentment and feelings of neglect and just talk to him. Tell him what you need and want…ask him what he needs and wants…just communicate. If you will do that, it will be so worth it. When you open up to him and give him what he wants but just has been afraid to ask anymore, YOUR life will begin to feel so much brighter, too. This isn’t just for him…it’s for both of you. Just try it…what have you got to lose?
What do I do in the situation where my wife has MS and is always tired at night and crashes around 9pm after my little girl goes to sleep at 8:30. Im lucky if we make love once maybe twice a month. Her coordination not great and I think that effects her that she feels like she is not good enough. I emphasize all the time the coordination or lack there of is not a problem for me. I tell her I want her more offen and she feels like Im putting her down and she’s not good enough. I feel stuck. I try small things to show affection and she thinks I just doing it for to get sex and that is not the case.
This in my opinion is a special case — you need to focus on meeting her needs right now. She has a physical reason for being exhausted and may even have pain when you are intimate. From experience I would also say if she feels like you only do affectionate things as a lead up to intercourse then her love tank is not full.
I find it so odd that everyone keeps saying sex helps you sleep better and drop off longer… I struggle to fall asleep every night, ESPECIALLY after sex – same with any exercise, it energises me. Then I am left wide awake and on edge (and I suffer from anxiety and nightmares, which worsen after sex), sometimes for a couple of hours. And there are so many other reasons I don’t want to have sex as well (main one being I literally just have no desire for my husband). How on earth can I overcome so many issues? How long will it take? This is an exhausting battle.
I desperately want the kind of marriage and sex life God intends for us. But I have come to a place where sex is such a negative, awful, painful, gross thing that I see it as more of a hindrance than a help and something our marriage would be better without. Help!
Fifteen minutes and then it’s all over and you are ready to sleep? I hope those women who struggle to climax, are more frustrated and wakeful even though they are exhausted after sex can read this and not be baffled and upset by what they are reading. Fifteen minutes is nowhere near long enough for most women and that’s if they climax at all. If ever there was a cause for disclaimers on a blog post, this is it.
I’m sure you’ve heard, “if a husband loves his wife as Jesus lives the church, it’s easy for that wife to submit [i.e. respond]!”
I know of one wife whose husband actually does love her just like Jesus, and she seems to think that sitting in a gathering once a week that’s really designed to entertain her is a little too much to ask, and she gets pretty upset if it’s suggested that she shouldn’t spend 97% of the money without his input.
That’s my sarcastic way of agreeing, the wife has to want an intimate marriage or it’s not going to happen.