I was talking last night with my husband about a couple that had recently split. She had had an affair, and after living with the guy for a time had tried to rebuild her marriage. That didn’t work.
And so we got thinking about why affairs happen. Is there some secret ingredient?
One thing I am very uncomfortable with is the idea that a physical or emotional affair is always caused because there’s something lacking in the marriage. I’m not sure that’s true. I think it’s true in plenty of cases, but I think some affairs happen in perfectly happy marriages.
Let me try to sketch out the path for you.
In every happy marriage, even when you’re getting along with your husband well, you will inevitably experience Seasons of Distance, when you go through a few weeks or months where you don’t connect well.
We’ve gone through such a season over August and September because in August Keith and I were both very stressed. I had a personal crisis I was dealing with, and he had a professional one. In the middle of all that, we were simply away a lot and very busy. Come September, I started traveling for speaking and taking off with my mom for a vacation, and we just didn’t see each other much.
Was anything wrong in our marriage? Nope. Did I still totally love Keith? Absolutely. But I think it’s in those seasons of distance–which every couple will inevitably have–that we can encounter danger of new relationships, especially emotional entanglements, growing.
The key to preventing affairs is to make sure that seasons of distance don’t also become seasons of carelessness.
Picture this: You’re getting along well with your husband, but then you stop really confiding in him much for a week or two or even longer because of inevitable distance. Maybe he’s busy at work, or maybe you are. Maybe you have a sick parent or a sick child. Maybe you’re just experiencing a few crises.
And in the middle of that, you start spending more time with someone from work, or church, or the neighbourhood, or wherever. You don’t mean to, and you don’t mean anything by it. But he starts confiding in you about something, and an intimacy develops. That intimacy grows, and you feel yourself pulled very much towards him. And therein lies the danger.
I remember a woman in my small group once telling us that she had to be very careful at work, because one of her male co-workers, who was about the same age, used her as a sounding board for a lot of his marriage problems. He’d tell her what was going on at home and look to her for support and advice. It got to the point where she had to make sure wasn’t assigned the same task as him during the same shift so that she wasn’t alone with him. She was afraid that he was getting too intimate.
She was also a smart woman, because what if she hadn’t taken that approach? What if she had kept talking to him, and started to feel emotionally attached to him? And then slowly but surely she and her husband entered one of their seasons of distance, when you don’t see each other, connect, or make love very often.
Suddenly that season of distance can become a season of carelessness, too, and now you’ve got a real problem–a real risk for an affair.
I know many spouses where their husband has cheated, and they look back and say: what did I do wrong? How was I to blame? But I’m truly not sure that the non-offending spouse does play a role. I think the inevitable seasons of distance can produce perfect conditions for an affair to bloom.
Business trips are notorious for this, because you’re away from your usual constraints and from your responsibilities. You start to think of yourself differently, because you’re thinking primarily of yourself, and not your family. And in that situation, an affair can begin even if you were happy at home.
I’m not writing this post to scare the living daylights out of you, so that all of you will suspect that your husbands are going to cheat on you! So never fear.
I just mean that none of us should ever feel like we are immune from the danger of an affair.
I think there are times when all of us are susceptible, if the right conditions come. And I also don’t want people to think that if their husbands stray, it is somehow their fault. In some marriages, I do believe that the spouse contributes to the affair by their neglect or even malice. But in many marriages I don’t know that it is the case.
So what is the solution?
Preventing an affair is about identifying when you’re going through that season of distance, and then in pulling together anyway.
Make sure you talk everyday, even when things are tough and schedules are busy. Make sure you pray together, even if you have to snatch a prayer or pray on the phone. Make sure that you buy little somethings for your husband, like pick him up a chocolate bar when you pick up one for yourself, or write him a little note. And then recognize, during those seasons when life is busy and you are more distant, that you are more vulnerable than you think. Don’t be in a situation where you can develop intimacy with another guy.
Does that make sense? Does that match up with what you’ve seen? Have you ever seen a marriage that looks really good disintegrate because of an affair, and wondered how it happened? Let me know!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have never seen a couple who had a great marriage have an affair. All the women that I mentor whose husband had an affair didn’t have a good marriage to begin with. I will be interested to see if others have seen couples who have good marriages have had an affair…
Lori, I would say that in most cases I know of there have definitely been issues in the marriage, too. All I’m saying is that I’m reluctant to say that this is always the case. I think all of us can be tempted at times, and we just need to be aware of the danger times, instead of assuming that because our marriages are strong, “I would never ever do that.”
I agree with you.
I thought I had a great marriage before I found out my husband had a work wife. If anyone in our marriage didnt get their needs met it was me. I thought we had a love deeper that that. I felt really deeply connected with my husband. He knew how deeply I loved him and he thought he would be able to get away with what he was doing even if I found out. He was caught by h husband and it is supposedly over now but I am not sure that I want this now.
Stacey, I don’t blame you. I think it’s natural to be really confused and hurt, and I can’t tell you what to do. I’ve said a prayer for you, but mostly I’ve just prayed that God will give you clear direction, and a great mentor to pray with and talk to. I’m sorry that this devastation has happened to you. Just remember that no hurt is ever deeper than God’s love, even if that sounds like a cliche. It’s also true, and I know that He will carry you.
Lori, I disagree with you. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and they have been really great years. I found out this week that my husband has been seeing another woman at work. I can tell you that I noticed he was not the same, but other than a little distance, not much changed in our marriage. We were still having sex, still going about our very busy lives. When he was finally confronted, he explained that he wanted a chase from her, something I couldn’t offer him. He told me I am the perfect godly wife– obviously I am not, but God knows I strive to be and pray constantly. We are now focusing on my husbands spiritual life… One that I thought existed but apparently doesn’t. I just want to say, never think you have everything figured out.. Believe me, I have been in church my whole life and so has he– I never thought he would be the one to stray.
I think in any marriage that there can be moments of carelessness where we need to be cautious. But I do not think that most affairs happen in “happy” marriages. A lot of marriages are good but there can be underlying issues that never seem to get resolved, therefore it eats at the foundations of the marriage making it weaker in times of carelessness. I would imagine if you asked the majority of women that had affairs if their marriage was great when they had the affair, that most of them would say there was unresolved issues or other things going on in their marriage that was hurtful or hard to deal with. A women by nature is a nester, therefore I think for a women to go outside of her “nest” and seek someone else, I believe goes against the very core of a women. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, I’m just saying that there would more than likely be issues there for her to do something outside of her natural makeup.
I agree; I definitely don’t think most affairs happen in happy marriages. But the point of what I said at the beginning is that we shouldn’t assume that an affair meant that the relationship was unhappy. The fact is that happy marriages are not completely safe, and I think many affairs do happen because people assume it couldn’t happen to them. That would definitely not be the majority, but it does occur, which is why it’s so important to always be careful–even if your marriage is happy!
There are also porn addictions and sexual addictions that can play a role. The non-offending spouse may be doing everything “right,” but the one with a sexual addiction just cannot be satiated by that.
It makes perfect sense to me. With my husband in the military and gone for extended periods, I have had to guard myself against becoming too close to men. It is sad to reject a friendship that could be a great source of support or help to me, but it’s not worth risking my marriage over.
Kudos to you Jenny you have strengthened your chances by taking a stand for your marriage. Praying for your continued strength.
Wise Words.
Thanks for this excellent post Sheila. Unlike Lori, I do know of marriages that have been devastated by an affair for “no apparent reason”, and I this line of thinking could be part of the explanation.
whoops…
Just noticed that I failed to proofread my comment. What I meant to say was that I “propose” that this line of thinking helps with the explanation of such ‘unexplainable’ affairs.
Such a great post, Sheila. I like your idea that seasons of distance can become seasons of carelessness. I also think that you simply have chemistry with some people of the opposite sex even after you’ve chosen your life mate. But by setting good boundaries and protecting your marriage, chemistry and crushes pass. The active, committed love with your spouse remains…hopefully for a lifetime.
Sheila,
This is one of the best and realistic posts I have read on affairs…thanks for the wisdom!
You’re so welcome, Kim!
Sheila – I think what you wrote is an exact betrayl of some of the instances I have witnessed through out the years. I keep myself at arms length from guys just to make sure there’s no misunderstandings or anything. The Lord even had me remove myself from Facebook…I’ve always been better friends with guys than gals in the past and thankfully, God is reworking relationships in my life and I have all good godly women in my life to surround me and build me up. Satan comes to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY whatever and whomever he can…we should ALWAYS have our guards up!!!
I have the same issue in that I can make friends with men easily. I always try to ensure that my husband is friends with them, too (not that that eliminates all risk, but it at least prevents any secrecy), and then I try to do things in groups.
Well I find it a bit sad because I am a much more social and friendly, outgoing person than my husband. I easily meet and chat with people of all ages and walks of life, male and female, wherever I go. I find it sad because even if I ask my husband to join in, he doesn’t want to, and so I do what Kim does and keep males at arms length to try to stay faithful to my husband. I do feel though that this means I miss out on a lot of social chit chat. I think maybe some guys think I am rude or standoffish, whereas I would love to be more friendly. I do find it a bit unbalanced when I just relate primarily to females. I really like males as well. I also grew up with two brothers and no sisters. Of course, all my closest friends and confidences are females, however I do miss the banter and batting the breeze with males, too. It feels more normal to me to interact with both, not just always at the Ladies meeting, or the Women’s thing. (Tho I love women, I really do!) The groups idea is a great idea, but my husband doesn’t like going to group events, or really socialising in general. I have even been praying for a job where I can mix with all sorts of different people (e.g. sales?) because I find I can crave to be with people and it seems meeting new people and interaction gives me so much enjoyment and life energy.
I have to say though, that my husband is a lovely, sensitive, supportive, caring, listening, Godly man. We just seem so different re the introverted/extroverted spectrum.
Sheila do you think you could write a post on how to handle living with someone who is depressed? My husband has been depressed for years and I have found it has affected me 🙁
Thanks for all you write 🙂
Anna, that’s really a tough one. I, too, am quite social, and I love talking to guys, but I tend to do so in groups with my husband. I would find it difficult, too, if my husband weren’t social.
The depression is definitely difficult to deal with, as is having different social needs. Let me think about this one and then write on it, but if anyone has any other thoughts, please chime in in the meantime!
My husband is a social butterfly and I am not. I do however go out here and there, it’s not like I’m a total recluse. He would have us out 3-4 days a week in addition to school, work, church etc. It’s exhausting, I can’t see why he just doesn’t want to relax sometimes always go, go, go. It may not be that someone is depressed it could just be that they’re tired or not much of a people person.
Wise words Sheila – I read a book a number of years back (early in our marriage) called Reclaiming Surrendered Ground: Protecting Your Family from Spiritual Attacks. One thing that stuck with me was this (it’s not verbatim) all relationships with the opposite sex must be kept formal in order to protect your marriage. We MUST protect our marriages – It saddens me when I hear the excuses “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” or “I’ve fallen out of love with him/her.” Marriage is hard work and at times it’s very hard work, but it’s worth it. After all there’s nothing wrong with hard work, it won’t do you any harm. 🙂
Well said. Even the best of couples are not immune to affairs. It takes loads of commitment and constant call for God’s help to keep from defiling our marriage beds. I like this post.
yea amen
People often wonder how the couple who looked and acted so happily married could “all of a sudden” get divorced. NO ONE knows what goes on between a couple other than the two involved. Anyone would have said that my husband and I were one of the happiest, most “Christian” couples they knew and when I left my husband, they were devasted. All of our friends were in the church and we were church leaders. How could this happen – we were both nice people. My husband WAS very happy in the marriage – he got everything he wanted, including sex every night, great meals, lovely clean home, lots of compliments and praise and I worked 3 jobs and took care of our baby. No one could see that my husband was distant, controlling and not meeting my needs in any way – financially, emotionally, physically, sexually or spiritually. He was Mr. Nice guy to everyone else and would act so wonderful, but it was all surface – he had no real emotions, either happy or sad. It was like living with a plastic person. Who could know what it was like if I never complained or shared it with anyone, because I was so busy being the perfect Christian wife? He wouldn’t get counseling, because he said he didn’t have any problems, he was perfectly happy. I would do things differently now that I am older, but I couldn’t keep up the happy front any longer – I was more miserable than I knew and had no resources for help – financially or otherwise. Too many churches feel that if you are having marital problems, then you are not being a good Christian. Too long of a post, but basically, never be surprised by affairs – I had a one night stand with a long time friend, which was stupid, but not the reason for the divorce. I had one hour of sin where he truly had years of it, but I looked like the evil one. Do not judge – you truly don’t know.
My heart goes out to CO. So often we make judgements that condemn others based on an incomplete knowledge of the facts.
While two wrongs never make a right, there is always more than what is at first visible.
But many of us do not do anything at all until it is too late. It was nearly too late for me, when I confronted my wife about the condition of our marriage. She had already resigned herself to the expectation that we would divorce and I think she was surprised that I thought we had something worth saving. I believe if we had continued for another six months without professional help, we would have divorced.
I also agree with her criticism of churches. Too often churches are afraid to mention marriage, relationships, especially sex, and too afraid to use church discipline for its correct purpose of restoring fellowship between believers. We Christians are too often more concerned with being nice rather than being real.
But, if you read the blog Passion Within Marriage, there you find the story of a woman who admits that she felt she was the more spiritual of the couple all the while refusing her husband sexually over an extended period, and who kept up in public the good Christian wife facade. And by keeping what had happened secret, was able to avoid doing anything about it. Another case of keeping the mask in place so that I look good, irrespective of the reality of the situation.
Thanks for your comment, Fred! I’m glad you and your wife got the help you needed. I think I may dedicate a blog post to your last paragraph, because that is such a real problem–and an all too common one.
Sheila, I think you’re on point. When I had mine, yes, there were things lacking but overall, we had a great marriage. Those small things though happened to be the exact foothold Satan needed at the time for our attack. Thanks be to God though for bringing us through.
Thanks for your honesty, Amy! Again, I don’t think that happy marriages are the majority of these affairs, but it really can happen. And we just need to be vigilant!
What would you say are good precautions to take if a husband finds himself attracted to woman he has to see weekly. He dosnt see anything happening but wants to be wise. My first reaction is to not talk to them as much as possible, not to find out anything about them personal or share your life and don’t do anything alone with them, but I wonder if that is to extreme and comes across as rude.
Joseph and Potiphar’s wife – when Poitphar’s wife came onto him, Joseph ran. When in unsuitable situations or relationships, run. Don’t wait to see what might or might not happen. RUN!
I caught my husband planning an affair with a girl on Facebook. It nearly destroyed me. We have two small kids (5 and 18 months) and all I could think about was what it would put them through if I left him. I confronted him, he admitted it (I had proof so he couldn’t deny it) and he admitted he had a problem. Even told me he understood if I wanted to leave. He battled a porn addiction from the day we were married and my “gut instincts” always take off when something is going on. And they’ve never been wrong.
I’ve got that same feeling again now and I don’t know what to do about it. I sense that he has an emotional affair going with a girl he works with. I’ve tried talking to him; just asking if he’s okay or if there is anything he wants/needs to talk about and he ignores me. I’ve begged to go to marriage counseling and he always agrees but never goes through with it. I was searching and praying for some answers when I found your site. I don’t know what to do. Part of me desires to just pack up myself and the kids and leave…see if he would realize what he has.
But part of me feels like I just need to continue to pray over my marriage and for my husband and trust in gods peace and his will. I’m not a perfect wide but I bend over backwards for him and our kids. I feel so betrayed all the time….
Thank you for this post. I agree with what you say that no marriage is immune from affairs or cheating, even the very happiest, strongest marriages. I know this first hand because for the last 9 months since I found out that my loving, wonderful Christian husband had gotten involved in a relationship with another woman, I am still asking the question “How is this possible?” We have been married for 22 years and have always been very in love, and have made it through many challenging, difficult events through the years always supporting,respecting and cherishing each other. We have raised 2 amazing children that are both off to college and doing great. God has blessed our lives and marriage over & over and we both knew and acknowledged this. Even during those difficult times, I never felt distanced from my husband. Our marriage was the kind people admired and wondered what did we have together that made us so happy. So all I can figure is that Satan is hard at work to destroy marriages & families if this happened to us! My husband can’t even explain how it happened except that it was the worse thing he has ever done and is so remorseful and knows that he has broken my heart. I wonder what lesson did God want me to learn from this painful, horrible experience? Did he really want to destroy the one relationship in my life that I trusted totally because He wanted to make me desperate and more dependent on Him? Well, I was definitely brought to my knees and will say that it is only by God’s power that we are working together to mend our marriage and for me to forgive my husband and heal from this devastation. I don’t know if I ever really will be able to totally trust Him again and open my heart completely to my husband and that makes me so sad. I think about what happened all the time and wonder what I could have done differently. There are triggers all the time that take my back to this event, songs,TV shows, etc. I can’t even read scripture regarding marriage or see those inspirational signs regarding love or marriage without hurting or crying. Our beautiful marriage will never be the same because it has this terrible scar now that can’t be removed. Nothing will ever be able to make it what it was before. No matter what my husband does now to prove to me his love, he can’t undo his terrible choices and actions.
You’re right. Your marriage will never be the same.
But it can be better!!
God in His infinite wisdom and grace can take what we as humans destroy and make a mess of and make it in to something beautiful and useful for His Kingdom and Cause.
The triggers have not gone away for me either!! It’s been 17 months and last week I struggled and fought all week. I spent time meditating on Psalm 91 (read it over and over again!! Let God’s Word speak to you and comfort you!!) God’s Word is the only thing that can get me through these times of struggles!!!!
Forgiveness is a choice. Choosing to forgive is an ongoing choice. We will never forget, but we can choose to not bring it up and wrap the whole situation in God’s care!!
The prayer of my heart (that I could not even utter out loud at one point) was to restore my trust in my husband. I can say through God’s grace alone that it is being restored. I am not at 100% yet, but it is getting closer every day.
One thing that helps me most is Scripture.
One of my favorite passages is Philippians 4:8…Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Make a choice to think on good things. Make a choice to not think on the bad things. Satan would love nothing better than to have the power over your mind and for you to allow that to happen!! He would love to destroy your marriage and claim another victory!
Don’t let him!!
FIGHT!!!!!
Love from,
Someone who has been there…who is still there.
I feel God is surely testing me …my husband does not want to address his discovered emotional affairs and innopropriate relationships. He refuses to truly discuss, go to any marital enrichment or counseling. Seems like he does not care about his wife’s feelings at all only can see others feelings. I resent this greatly. Feel like I have supported him fully through these years but won’t allow discussion.He chose to handle things this way and is and has been dismissive of my feelings. I do not think I can trust him any more nor if our relationship will ever be same. I really resent he brought this to our marriage.
Sheila,
I have just started reading your blog and really enjoy it. I especially relate to this post. My husband is in the military and was deployed for a year which is when his affair started, and then continued for a long time after he returned home. I knew something was wrong in my marriage post deployment, and suspected an affair, but was in denial because he was a Christian, and very involved with our family. Praise God that after I discovered his affair, he broke it off, repented, and we started counseling with our pastor that very night. Our Pastor told us we had a God problem, not a marriage problem and it has been an eye opening experience. Even though I wasn’t having the affair, I realize that my relationship with God was too casual. Now my husband and I both have prayer and quiet time in God’s word daily. He is leading our family in daily devotions before bed is being the husband and father we have desired for so many years. God works in mysterious ways and while an affair was a rather painful way to realize we were on the wrong track I am thankful that God gave us some sort of wake up call. Many times I have felt the affair is my fault, but I also think the distance of length of time we were apart played a huge role in it. Military life is very difficult and this took it to another level of difficulty that I wasn’t ready for.
Also, I highly recommend the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller if anyone is looking for good Biblical marriage books. Our pastor tells us to read Tim Keller’s book until we feel as though we wrote it ourselves. Great advice.
Great article Shelia. We had the perfect christian marriage, But……. We also had some supposably great friends who turned out not to be such great friends! Or should I say “he” was not such a great friend! He Was my best “guy friend” for yrs. he was Always a Godly man, but he turned out to be the devil himself. I have some very good advice for everyone reading this, be very careful and selective, of who you are friends with! He detected a “weakness” in my wife and took advantage of it. we had many yrs of great memories built together, my wife and I, it only takes one wrong turn to bring destruction and change to your life forever. Never let your guard down!
I love my husband and I was recently in a place of distance and no connection with him when I found myself in a place where I was close to having an affair. I look back and see the hand of God that kept me out of the arms of this other man. My husband does not know how close I was to this man but he knows that I was emotionally involved and he was totally shocked because in his eyes we have a happy marriage but in my eyes I was not happy and the distance opened the door. We have been working very hard to reconnect and I have closed the door to this other relationship. Your blog has been a great help to me and I thank God for leading me here.
My husband had an affair with a co worker while I was so emotionally involved at work. It didn’t make it right but I realized later what part I played and learned a lot about my husband. We have decided to stay toghether and are very intentional toward one another now.
Thank you so much for writing this article. If I had read this before it happened to me, I may have thought “no, affairs can only happen in marriages with problems”. But I am a testament that even in a healthy marriage with a great friendship, a short season of tough life situations compiled with extra travel can very much be the only window the enemy needs to bring down a marriage. The introduction of a needy person timed just right can be disastrous if you’re not on guard. And the comfort and confidence that a strong marriage produces can be the very thing that can blind a person to what’s really going on. I didn’t think he’d ever do anything like that, he was devoted to me and showed it. He didn’t think he’d do anything like that, he loved me and his children. It hit hard and it hit fast. So thank you for writing this. It needs to be said. Not every affair happens to a marriage with problems. It can very much happen in a healthy marriage if just one spouse does not have firm boundaries outside of their marriage. The enemy can take advantage of a weakness in a person even if the only weakness in the marriage is a short season of distance created by life outside the marriage. I didn’t even want to accept that what you’re saying could be true. It’s scary. But it is nonetheless true. Thank you for writing this, even if I’m the only person who gets peace from it, I’m grateful.
SF, your situation sounds very much like mine. Sheila thanks for this post!!
Everything you have to say in this blog post is good advice and makes perfect sense, except this comment: ‘In some marriages, I do believe that the spouse contributes to the affair by their neglect or even malice.’ No matter how good or bad things are in the marriage, the betrayed spouse is not, in any way responsible for the choices of the cheating spouse.
Christa, I do understand what you’re saying, and I wouldn’t say that they’re responsible. But I think we can contribute–and that’s a biblical concept, in that we can cause someone to stumble, or we can put up a temptation to a “weaker brother” (see Romans 14, for example). It doesn’t mean that we’re responsible, but we can cause a stumbling, and that’s not good.
I am a living testimony of a happy marriage, great friendship with my husband, great sex life (2-3 times per week!!), and he had an affair.
My husband was addicted to pornography and met a woman at work (temporary worker) that did not mind that he was married, she had a pornographic mind (like his, is what he says) and had no problem openly flirting with him. He succumbed to her advances, and had an affair with her. I do not know (or need to know) all the details. She no longer works in his office. I “happened” to see a text from her during an ER visit with our daughter!!!!
We were very happily married.
Still are.
I chose to forgive and we are in counseling with our Pastor. I wont tell you it is easy because it is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I found out on October 16th, 2013. Not even a month after our beautiful anniversary canoe trip (that later I found out he had been texting her during!!!) Satan still attacks my brain with thoughts and images of “what was it like”. I still struggle with “will it happen again?” and “am I enough?”. But GOD is gracious and His WORD has been my strength!!!!
We have changed MANY things in our marriage…
We now read our Bible EVERY DAY!!! =) HUGE help!!
We now pray together AT LEAST twice a day. He prays for me when I am struggling with memories and thoughts.
I ask him the hard questions like, Is there someone I should be worried about?, or Are you keeping yourself pure today?, or Did you ‘look again’ today?, or Are you putting God first in all things today?, or Have you pleased God in your thought and actions today?, or Do I need to come lay the smack-down on someone?
We have changed our conversations to include more godly things.
We intentionally speak each other’s Love Language.
We have a weekly date night….even if it is just walking around our property and being together.
We make it a priority to talk throughout the day more.
I am not afraid to ask the hard questions, because I want to know the answer before there is an issue!!
Yes. I am a wife who is in a happy marriage with a man that had an affair.
I think it is more common than we know.
Our Pastor recommended the “5 Love Languages” book at some point during our counseling (which is on-going) and it has changed our marriage for the better!!!! It makes a HUGE difference when your emotional need is being met!!! =)
God also gave me a song during this time. One day I will have it published. It’s a great song about God’s grace!!!
There is so much wisdom in this post! Thank you so much for continually sharing caution and encouragement with us. I think that the key is that affairs do not happen in healthy, connected marriages with solid boundaries. If there is an affair, you can always link it back to one of the parties is not satisfied within the marriage. One of them may be completely oblivious and happy, but the one having the affair is not. I agree with another comment that I’ve seen many affairs happen due to sex addiction. But that again is a lack of satisfaction and self-control of the spouse. I guess what I’m alluding to is that I would not classify my marriage as happy or healthy if we are not emotionally connecting, making time to communicate, or be intimate (including sex). If that is the temperature of our marriage for extended periods of time, I wouldn’t be totally surprised by an affair. We work hard to keep connected. Because when I’m filled up with my spouse and God, there is no room or energy left to pursue another inappropriate relationship. I would encourage people to discuss with their spouse what are wise boundaries for their marriage. What better way to show your love, respect and faithfulness than to say “I won’t go to lunch/dinner/coffee with someone of the opposite sex. I won’t be buddy-buddy with someone of the opposite sex when you aren’t around. I won’t ride in a car alone with someone of the opposite sex.” It may seem extreme to some people, but we guard our marriage and reputation on purpose.
This was very true for my marriage and affair. I, the wife, made terrible choices that resulted in a full-blown affair. My husband and I have always had a very good marriage. We got married very young, during a terrible time in my home life (my parents) and very shortly after our wedding day, welcomed a baby girl into the world. I shut myself away from the world and my husband and daughter were all that was in my whole world. After 10 years and 2 more children, I made an abrupt decision to go to college. In came the season of distance. Our marriage was still good. He was still my best friend, but things changed in a big way. Then I started making every wrong decision that came my way and there was 5 years of torment for us both. I’m happy to say it matured me and our marriage, but that part is only by God’s hand. I nearly lost my good marriage, but thankfully now it is even better and I will forever be vigilant of these seasons of distance.
Quote from Sheila: ” I just mean that none of us should ever feel like we are immune from the danger of an affair.”
I think this is the most important thing for people to understand. Affairs can happen in ANY marriage. The idea that affairs only happen in “bad” marriages is akin to thinking that cancer only happens to unhealthy people or heart attacks only happen to fat people. I know it is unsettling to accept the fact that every marriage is susceptible to infidelity but the marriages that believe they are “exempt” are the ones that are most at risk. My husband was faithful for 18 years. He will tell you that he NEVER imagined he would fall into the infidelity trap, but he did. Twice in fact (as in with two women) over a 10 month period.
The risk for infidelity has more to do with the condition of our individual hearts than it does with the condition of the marriage. (I know of a couple of men whose wives were *frigid* but the husbands did not stray.) Gary Thomas (author of Sacred Marriage) says the term “difficult marriage is redundant.” If you are married, it is difficult, no matter what level of *happy* we aim to achieve. The foundation of married love is not happy, it is the married vow. Happy is the fruit, not the root. Kwim? Those seasons of distance are inevitable and recurring. The key to avoiding infidelity is to be aware of this truth and to resolve in our heart of hearts that we will not give in to the temptation.
Sometimes your just blind sited. The worst pain I’ve ever endured. Trying to work past it and forgive is my biggest challenges right now. How do you survive such betrayal?
S, it’s really, really hard. Probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do–but I know so many couples who have gotten through it. I’ve got a post here on dealing with your husband’s affair. Hope it helps!
One day at a time. Take care of yourself. Find a good therapist. And check out http://www.betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca – not a great name, but a tremendously positive and supportive blog. It has been a lifesaver for me.
I remember thinking to myself 17 months ago….I never knew that a breaking heart is an actual physical pain…. That a shattered marriage is an actual physical pain…. That lost joy and trust is an actual physical pain.
The only way I survived (and my marriage is now thriving) is God’s Word.
…And prayer for myself for a changed heart, clean mind /thoughts, restoration of joy, and trust in my husband!! I did not see myself ever being able to touch him again, to trust him again, to have joy in my marriage again. I am here to tell you that you can!!! With God ALL things are possible. =)
Also, godly counseling is a huge help!!!
I found out my husband has been unfaithful 🙁 he admitted to it. I said we can work it out…… Now I’m having second thoughts…….. What if I piss him off and he talks to her? Can I trust him? He is a truck driver and we can’t afford him to come home.. So I don’t see our marriage working
Affairs can happen in any marriage. It doesn’t matter how happy people seem.
My husband and I have been married five years. We have either subletted or rented for four of them. The first four years it was people/friends we knew well and we never had issues. May 2015 we had my husband’s friend’s, younger brother(a young guy we knew) and a friend of his that we didn’t know well live in our basement. I was pregnant with our fourth son and very uneasy about the whole situation and even said I was (to my husband) and had hoped we wouldn’t need people living with us. Regardless, I supported my husband (not realizing, at the time, that a seed of bitterness/resentment had been planted in my heart.) We got married at 18 and we both have had a lot of maturing to do in such a short time. Any way, we had been going through distance and disconnect off and on. After our son was born I felt like I had to prove that I was still desirable but was also aching for connection and quality time in our marriage and it just didn’t seem to be consistent. I had never had any desire to even look at anyone else and then my husband got home from swimming with our renters and showed me a picture of them climbing/jumping off a cool swimming spot and said of the guy I didn’t know, “I bet you wished I was ripped like that.” I said no because I think my husband is an attractive man but when he said it I started to think about the other guy. I didn’t realize my husband needed more affirmation at the time (how dumb) and I also didn’t know how to say after thinking about it that I was struggling with thinking about our renter that way. When it started to get colder my husband wanted them to use the main door that went through our living room instead of letting cold air into the basement. I didn’t want that and felt a little unprotected but trusted my husband’s judgement so the renters were allowed to go through the living room out the front door but they were usually gone at college or work. I’m so much of an introvert and was slightly uncomfortable I wasn’t even sure if I should say bye or hi as they walked through so usually chose not to talk unless my husband was home and it created very a awkward situation. Then the guy I didn’t know well started to say hi or look at me a certain way in passing (all while I’m taking care of my kids) and it felt nice to be noticed but I knew that it wasn’t appropriate so again I usually didn’t say much but didn’t talk to my husband about it. We also had to share the washer/dryer with them in the basement so that was a little awkward too. One day, one of the guys asked if he and I could play cards together and my immediate response was, “No but maybe my husband would want to play when he gets home.” So he dropped it but I didn’t bring it up to my husband because I felt like it wasn’t important and since I said no I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong outwardly. He asked me one other time if we could do something and I again said no but kept it from my husband. At this point he and my husband had been spending time together and he’d sometimes eat with us but I didn’t talk much. The other guy asked me a couple questions about myself and my upbringing while my husband was there but other than those times I didn’t talk to him much. I was in denial but I had a crush or some kind of emotional feelings toward this person I hardly knew and it seemed as if he was attracted to me although he never said anything. I knew I was in trouble when he came into my place of work to order something and I had never even said where I worked and when I came out to take his order after my boss said there was a customer I could not believe it and also physically felt like I had been shaken. Why was he there? I made him his order, my hands shaking the while time and feeling as if I would throw up. I knew I needed to confess everything to my husband but didn’t know where to begun so I waited. He acted like my husband’s friend but didn’t tell him he went to where I worked. We had friends over on New’s Years last year and our renter hung out and we all played card and board games. I was still struggling with feelings for this guy and how to tell my husband. But I must have given this a guy a look because my husband confronted me at the end of the night when we were alone. It was a long night. I told what had been going on. Nothing physical and but somewhat emotional. He was so hurt. I was (and still am) deeply regretful and sorry about the whole thing. We waited to make both renters move until May when school was out. My husband stopped hanging out with the guy and only spoke to him as needed and I cut all ties and communication with the guy. The past five months have been hard. We both had issues and are working on our marriage. My husband is deeply hurt and obviously struggles to trust me. No one knows except the two of us but I know I should confess to a member of our church but don’t know who to trust and who to be accountable with. I feel that if I share my friends will cast me aside like a harlot and I will have to deal with this alone. I have felt so alone I this and angry that I could have been so selfish and stupid. How can anyone truly trust and forgive in this situation. How can God? I didn’t cross the line physically but even having had that lust in my heart makes me an adulterer. I still struggle with resentment toward my husband when it seems like he spends most of his time at home ignoring our relationship and I don’t know what to do. I feel hurt but also feel like I don’t deserve much, especially since my Christian friends don’t know. Sorry to unload everything so personal on your blog.
My husband is a teacher and had an affair with his teachers assistant last year. We are in counseling trying to get through it as we have been married 16 years and have 4 kids. He still doesn’t get what I am so upset about and even though this lady quit after they got caught kissing in the school gym on our anniversary last year. This lady keeps coming back to the school to help out in my husbands class because her son is in my husbands class this year and he tells me he has conversations with her and then tells me not to make this stressful. Its to the point where I am not even allowed to bring the affair up in counseling. I do everything for him. He doenst help much with the kids or around the house and I am just not sure where to go from here. How long do you try to make things work before its just not worth it.