I’m currently surrounded by high school students who are really depressed.
Not my own, thankfully. But we’re watching several young people we know go through some very difficult times, with parents at a loss as to what to do. And at the same time, news has hit our community of how fragile life can be in high school. One of my daughter’s closest friends is reeling from a suicide at his school.
Adolescence is not an easy time, and it is all too easy to one day wake up and find that your lovely, compassionate child has become a well of anger and animosity.
I am firmly of the belief that the high school years are the most difficult in one’s life. Though I have gone through more difficult things since high school–such as losing my son–somehow I was able to deal with them as an adult. As a teen, even small things take on such huge significance because you don’t have the proper perspective to deal with them. Whether or not you are liked by your friends is so important, and yet high school is really quite a lousy place to make friends. You’re together not based on common interests or common personalities or values but simply based on where you live and what year you were born. If you were to group adults simply based on where they lived and what year they were born you may not find very many friends, either. High school is a toxic–if not downright evil–environment.
I’m always telling my girls that when they are adults, they’ll find more friends like them because they’ll move in different circles. In the teen years you’re desperate for a peer group, and yet it’s very hard to find one.
And that’s why bullying or negative comments by peer groups can make you feel so horrible. I recently wrote a review of Kevin Leman’s book Have a New Teenager by Friday, and that definitely has some great strategies and good ideas. But today I want to focus on three main priorities in helping your child through the high school years: helping them find perspective, purpose, and productivity. Let’s look at how:
1. Encourage Your Child to Get a Job
This one’s controversial, and it isn’t for everyone. But hear me out.
Many of the problems that teens run into are because they feel that the whole world is against them because their whole high school is against them. But high school is not the whole world. Or they may feel like they don’t fit in anywhere because they don’t fit in in high school. But high school is just a small part of the world.
If your teen can find a job, he or she can find somewhere else to fit in. I loved my jobs. I worked as a cashier at a Christian bookstore and at a concession stand for NHL hockey games in Toronto. In both places I was mostly working with adults, not teens, and I think that’s important. Those adults became good mentors, and helped me to get out of the “teen” culture. I saw that there was a bigger world out there.
So encourage jobs like working at Wal-Mart or working in the mall. Try the library. My daughter now works as a lifeguard. Sure, McDonald’s is fine, but most fast food jobs are populated by the same kids your child goes to high school with already. Think bigger.
And the great thing about a job is that it also gives them a sense of perspective. High school is NOT all there is. I CAN support myself (though they’ll realize that they need more than minimum wage!). But it is empowering to make your own money. It makes you feel more confident and more independent, and less at the mercy of a cruel peer group.
2. Discourage High School Activities
Another controversial one: but try to keep your teen’s extracurricular activities focused more outside the school. Give them a new peer group. Even if your child is doing well in high school, things can change very quickly. If they have outside interests and outside friends, they are not as reliant on high school. If your child is really into sports, then you need to think about it and perhaps a sports team at school is the best place. But most kids, I believe, would do better putting that time into a job.
If they like music or theatre, encourage them to try out for the community theatre production rather than the high school theatre production. Get them on a praise band at church rather than the band at school. See what I mean?
3. Encourage Interest Groups
My mother belongs to a knitting guild. She gets together with several women and goes on knitting retreats, knitting trips, and then she simply gets together and knits. I joined her when I was quite young. In fact, I was the youngest in the group. But I loved knitting, and I learned so much from those women, who just loved me being there.
Is your child into chess? Sewing? Quilting? History? Encourage them to join a group of adults who participates in that stuff. My husband paints miniature soldiesr and then gets together with other guys and fights out historical battles. Every now and then teens come and watch or play. They’re always welcome. And it gives these teens a sense that “I can fit in”. “There are other people like me.” “I don’t need to be cool.”
4. Encourage Volunteerism
My friend Maddie put together a fundraiser for the Kenyan orphanage our family visits when she was just 16. She arranged for the catering, and the music, and the donated items for the silent auction, and they raised about $3000 that night. Teens can do a lot. What is your teen passionate about? Encourage him or her to raise some money or start a campaign for it. Kids are naturally passionate; channel it! As they concentrate on people who are really in need, they gain perspective on their own situation, and they realize that they can make a difference. They are important in this world. God has a role for them to play.
5. Find a Good Youth Group
Having godly friends is so important in high school, and yet not all youth groups are equal. Not all youth groups are truly loving. Not all youth groups are safae places. If the youth group at your church isn’t healthy, send your child to another youth group. Try them out until you find one where he or she fits. I have known parents who have not let their children go to youth activities at another church because it threatens their own church. Do not EVER put your church, or your pride, above your child’s spiritual health. Find a youth group that works, and encourage your child to go.
6. Have Family Nights
I know life is busy. If your child has a part-time job, or is acting in a local play, or is going to youth group, time may be at a minimum. You can’t do everything, which is why I encourage you to stress one or two things outside school rather than doing all the activities at school. But whatever is going on in your child’s life, keep doing family activities. Play games once a week. Take walks together. Plan vacations together. Keep your child connected.
7. Realize there are Alternatives
Finally, if your child is really suffering in high school, and just doesn’t fit in, and it has become toxic, remember that there are alternatives. Your child can take high school online, or even start university early. Be prepared to do something drastic if your child is hurting!
8. Discourage Wallowing
Sometimes kids become so sullen they almost revel in their sullenness. They hang out in their rooms playing depressing music. They read depressing books. I recently read Jodi Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes, which is an EXCELLENT book about a Columbine-type event. It sounds horrific, but it focuses more upon the parent-child relationships and the bullying than it does on the tragedy, so it’s not agonizing. I loved it.
But one of my friend’s teenage daughters, who is going through this sullen period, is also reading it. If your child is moody and depressed, steer clear of depressing things, or else participate with them. Read the book with them and talk about it. Make a rule that doors can’t be locked all the time or kids can’t hang out alone in their rooms constantly. Get outside and go for a walk. Do not let kids play violent video games non-stop. These things contribute to the feeling and make it worse. Do not let your child revel, or take pride, in their depression. Do not let it become their identity.
Take all these things together and what you have is a teen whose life no longer revolves around school. They realize they are not
freaks, and that they can fit in to the real world. They can make a contribution. They can be productive. They focus on some of the good things in life.
Parenting a teen is hard, but it can be done. Take these steps early, before your teen gets really depressed, and you’ll likely find the high school years easier to navigate. Let me know what’s worked for you!
I had horrible high school years which resulted in me dropping out and just getting my GED. I do wish I had a mother that was actually involved in my life and a father who was allowed to be part of my life. I was in the 10th grade when Columbine happened, I am also from Colorado and to this day I still identify with the boys based on my experience. It was a very tragic time and sadly it changed nothing. These are excellent tips for parents to help their teens.
When I got a job I realized that there was a world that I would be respected for my hard work and efforts. For me it pushed me to make the decision to leave school and pursue other things that enriched my life. School just wasnt going to get me there. I really think if anyone has a teen that is doing that poorly in high school then supporting them in a healthy decision to leave and get their education in another manner is a very healthy option. I was on the brink of taking my own life and it was the best thing I could have done. Communication is key.
This is interesting. I was far from being popular at school, but I found that high school and college were places that were easier to make friends. Being grouped with people of the same age means that you have similar life experiences and often similar interests. Now that I am “grown up” I find it harder to make friends. There are fewer activities to participate in (no extracurriculars for adults in my small town). You will have your whole life to work, and I am glad that I took time in high school to join clubs and take advantage of high school activities rather than find a year-long job. Plus, I would imagine that working a part-time job would take more time away from family time than a few clubs here and there. Just my thoughts.
That said, I think that each child is different, and that for many (particularly those who are having an especially difficult time at school) your advice would be helpful.
As a side note: whenever I read your posts about homeschooling, I feel so conflicted. I agree with what you are saying, and I see the school systems in my town as being pretty awful, but at the same time, I had such a good public school experience myself that I don’t know what to think. I think I may have gone to an unusually good school system.
Definitely a part-time job would take time away from family, but I think every parent needs to think seriously about this, because giving a child perspective beyond high school is so important. If your child is doing well in high school (as you did), then perhaps it isn’t an issue. But when I look at the teens I know who are struggling (and there are so many right now), what they really need is that realization that their peer group is not the be all and end all, and sometimes family can’t be the one to show you that. It’s a very difficult balance as a parent of a teen, and what works for one child won’t work for others!
I had one cousin who did great in high school, and another who did not. Same family. Same background. Different outcomes. So we do have to watch it. And some kids do have a great public high school experience; no doubt about it. But I think helping our kids maintain healthy perspective on life is so important, and high school, even if it’s good, doesn’t do that. It makes kids look inward, towards only their peer group, and I don’t think that’s healthy!
But no, Karen, I certainly don’t think everyone should homeschool, so don’t feel badly about that! We each have to talk to God about our own kids, our own situation, and the schools they’re in!
Perhaps I’m in the minority, but I actually enjoyed high school. While I was far from being in the popular crowd, I had several good friends. who were all Christians as well (still keep in close contact with them too). I had several activities I enjoyed and a good youth group. Not that I would want to relive that period of my life, but it certainly wasn’t evil or toxic.
I feel like standing up with a bullhorn after reading this article – every parent of teens NEEDS to read this! I’m right there with you on your “controversial” points, like helping teens get a job, and finding community experiences outside of high school. High school is a brutal experience for most teenagers, and parents need to be proactive in helping their kids find other healthy experiences.
I especially resonate with the point about discouraging that wallowing in depression thing. Sometimes I think parents are far too timid with teenagers, and allow their teens to crawl around in the mess of depression and isolation til it becomes critical.
One point I would add to your Point #4: Encourage Volunteerism. Some teens don’t do so well just being sent out to “get involved”, but step up brilliantly when its a collaborative effort. Parents need to mindfully give back WITH their teenagers. What better way to teach / model responsible proactive community involvement!
~RJ, the Hope Coach
http://ronaejull.com
Thanks so much, RJ! And I echo what you’re saying about getting involved WITH your kids. Absolutely.
I know some kids do well in high school, but many do not. And many kids do well until something negative happens–a bad breakup, for instance. One thing my husband and I have discussed is that we would rather sacrifice 10% off of marks and have kids have a job or do volunteer work or get experience outside of high school than be totally preoccupied with high school. Maybe that’s not practical when scholarships are involved, but I’d say let your kids do other stuff in grades 10 & 11, and then let them work hard academically in grade 12!
I find this very interesting because I went to a boarding school for high school- there were no local options for us living overseas. So I was (just about) surrounded by teenagers (boarding was from grade 4-12, so there were younger kids) 24/7. There were limited (very limited) options for interacting with adults (especially those not related to school somehow). And there was no option of having a job. But… there were several clubs for us to join: audio-visual, stage crew, community outreach, tutoring, etc. Simply by being forced to work with others you got to be friends or find something in common. Also, life was highly scheduled so there was little time for wallowing. We were expected to take responsibility for ourselves which I think is really a big factor for teens, like you mentioned a few days ago. Finally, group participation in sports was highly encouraged. You didn’t have to have skill- most people didn’t, but your team got extra points for participating, and of course exercise is good for you.
Just thought I would throw out this different perspective on high school for you.
Thanks, Jeannette, for that perspective. I think a boarding school is perhaps a different kettle of fish–although I have known kids who have had very bad experiences at boarding schools, too. I think you said something really important, though: the teens were expected to be responsible and to act their age, which is something that many high schools do not do today, and many families do not, either. Feeling a sense of independence, mingled with competence, is so important for kids.
I’m standing up and cheering on the inside ๐ Not every suggestion will fit every family, but I whole-heartedly applaud the over-arching goal of broadening teens’ perspective. The early teen years are the hardest in life, I think. Teens are still immature by definition – they are not yet adults. As you said, they don’t have the perspective on life yet to properly interpret their experiences. And grouping them together in a herd when their hormones are carbonated isn’t exactly a great idea!
I want my boys mixing it up with mature, godly MEN, not a bunch of pop-culture-obsessed and video-game-addicted adolescents.
Thanks, Julie! And yes, you’re right, not every suggestion will work with every family. And, of course, there are grades to consider. You can’t get your child over-committed to outside things. But if we can take one or two suggestions and keep our kids involved in the REAL world (and not just the high school world), I think they’d fare much better!
While I agree with most of what is written here, I would take issue with discouraging high school activities. I, along with several other commenters on here, had a great high school experience. I went to a high school with 3,000 students…so it was easier for me to make a group of friends and fit in, than in a smaller school. Most of my close high school friends, I’m friends with to this day, including my husband! I would never have known any of them, if I hadn’t been in band. High school band was my “happy place.” I fit in there, I grew there, I learned so much musically and life-wise (my high school band conductor was AWESOME…he pushed us, and we excelled far beyond expectations under his directorship…we were as good as or better than some university bands we competed against). If I hadn’t had band, I would have been a very lonely, isolated, and perhaps depressed high schooler. I was also involved in my high school’s Christian IVCF group.
Honestly, (and I’ll probably get flack for saying this) it’s the rare worship and praise band at a church that can give a musician what they need, musically. As a musician, I would personally not encourage someone to solely do music with a Christian group…I would encourage participation in an orchestra, band, group, ensemble outside of that. The breadth, depth and variety of music theory, practice, knowledge, history, and appreciation has to go beyond that…one will feed the other, and as a musician you will be the better for it. Most praise and worship music is not musically challenging…if you know your theory and your “stuff” you can make it challenging, but really, it’s 3 verses, a chorus and a bridge! ๐
Thanks for that perspective, Anne. My husband had a good band experience, too, and I would agree with you about the musical challenge. My feeling, though, is that playing for a praise team is very different from playing in a band, and some kids can do the band but not the praise team. Ultimately, what we want is for our kids to be able to play in church, which is why I always stressed that first!
Again, I do think it depends on the teen. But I would say that perspective is just so, so important. I have known Christian kids who became so attached to their non-Christian friends at school that when they went to university they saw no need to go to church or to try to find a college & career group, because they fit in well in high school. That’s the opposite problem of what we’re dealing with here, but it’s still a real issue as well. I just believe that parents should ensure that social groups from high school are never the main focus of a teen’s life–whether it’s because the social group is too good (meaning it will pull them away from God), or too bad (meaning it will wreck their self-image and self-esteem). For that we need outside activities. But, yes, perhaps I was too quick on putting the ex-nay on the band! ๐ Thanks so much for your comment!
I usually agree with your advice, Sheila, but, as someone who suffers from clinical depression (and has even *before* high school), I think some distinctions need to be clearly made here:
* There are differing types of depression. Some are situational (the loss of a parent/pet/significant relationship/friends due to a long distance move), some are chemical.
* These suggestions are good ones for situational depression, but a clinical depression is a little more complex (as are the treatments), and adding a job to that mix might just be overwhelming. For those reading this who haven’t been there, it saps every ounce of energy, where even “little” things we take for granted (like showering & brushing teeth) are herculean tasks. Some might say that a job is just what you need to get out, but I think getting out is one thing, making someone take on a responsibility where others depend on them adds a pressure someone dealing with a clinical depression may not be able to handle and *could* make things worse.
* A clinical depression might need outside intervention and possibly hospitalization or medication. Sadly, there is such a stigma about depression that depressed folks don’t want to hear the old “lift yourself up by the bootstraps” pep talk. Who would honestly *choose* to feel this way if they *had* a choice about it? And, honestly, folks of faith can be even worse with well-meaning but off-target comments (“If you only had more faith…if you only prayed more…”). Would you say that to someone in a wheelchair….or with cancer? We need to learn to just offer a big hug with a sincere, “I love you and I am praying for you.” And, please, unless one has really been there, please don’t say, “I understand.” As mentioned, there are different types of depression, and losing your dog, sad and painful as it is (I’ve lost pets, I am very sympathetic) is *not* the same as the pain suffered by someone in the throes of a clinical depression. Sometimes depression sufferers bear the weight of those who offer this well-meaning help, in that not only are we tremendously depressed and trying as hard as we can, but we can’t mention the illness in certain circles because of the stigma/backlash/inappropriate comments.
I don’t mean to belabor this, but this is a very complex issue with many, many facets, and I would encourage people who want to help to check out NAMI or other resources published for people who want to help those who are clinically depressed. Situational depression is very real, too, and comes with its own sub-set of issues. It’s just you can’t always deal with them both in the same way.
Thanks for tackling this tough topic!
I realize this is an older post, but I feel the need to echo Marie’s comment here concerning clinical depression. Not all depressed teens are clinically depressed, but if one is, it needs to be medically treated. Our son ended up in the psych ward of the hospital recently as he was highly suicidal. He was actually already on medication, but it needed to be adjusted. He had a job, was involved in extra curricular activities, loved school, loved his friends, but depression had clouded his thinking. He is now doing well in college and continuing in treatment for his depression. I only share this to say that when dealing with the topic of depression, I really think you need to also alert parents to the possibility that there could be a need for medical intervention.
Yes, very well written. Getting my teenager a prescription was the BEST thing ever. I hadn’t realized how much of him had slipped away until it came back. To hear my son wake up and starting singing, instead of lying in bed trying to conjure up the will to face another day, made me realize just how low he had been. I thank God for that medication.
I know far too many parents who have buried a teenager. One friend’s son was getting almost all As in school, was captain of his soccer team, had a great girlfriend, and had plans. He and his girlfriend wanted to get married and have a dog rescue. They were excited to be happy and poor, rescuing dogs. Big teenage dreams. Until she found him dead. Teen suicide is real and a change of scene isn’t the answer.
For those who don’t tolerate medication or are unwilling to try it, amino acids can be a huge help. Julia Ross has books on this topic.
It is scary for a teen dealing with teen depression, it can be a simple episode that they’re upset over a breakup. Or, it can be a constant depression that can destroy lives. As a parent of two preteen boys I keep an eye for warning signs that mine may have teen depression … The scary truth about teen depression
If your teenager has sudden changes in eating and sleeping patterns, becomes withdrawn, doesn’t want to interact with people, shows no interest in thing they previously loved, their grades/ weight suddenly fluctuates or they get really irritable all of a sudden and they stay that way for more than a month – take them to a psychiatrist. Preferable a Christian one. Get them some drug and/ counseling.
When they get better you can implement these things to help them readjust to their lives.
I needed to read this. High school can be so overwhelming.
A simple experiment I did on myself when I was in a constant state of depression was to change my own way of thinking. After all depression is nothing but an unhealthy way of thinking that makes us non-productive , non- creative, and unhappy. Literature and positive quotes from Pt. Sri Ram Sharma Acharya helped me overcome my unhealthy thinking. I didn’t take any medicine for depression and now I’m totally fit. So, I would suggest everyone to go through his literature and quotes. They are very practical and motivating. You can find his quotes here- http://quotes.awgp.org/chintan.php?qType=1&lng_id=2