Divorce affects kids in a profound way.
Here’s just a mundane example of something that made me laugh because I identified so much. When children from intact families are asked about birthdays from their childhood, they typically mention their own: their parties, their gifts, their cakes. Children of divorce recall their parents’ birthdays. As a child, I made my mother gifts, I bought her hideous earrings, I wrote her poems and stories. In intact families, the other parent usually helps the child remember a birthday, so the episode doesn’t register much. But for children of divorce, it is a big deal because we have to train ourselves to remember. We played the adult role.
Even today, I think more about my mother’s presents than I do about my husband’s. Keith barely remembers his own mother’s, and I scold him about this every year, even while I feel guilty for forgetting it myself (sorry, Cheryl). But I remember my mom’s.
Right now a couple close to me is contemplating divorce. The one instigating the break said to me, “you did fine, and my kids will, too”. And it is true. Most kids of divorce grow into well-functioning adults. But just because we have overcome hardship and heartache doesn’t mean that that heartache didn’t matter.
Since the early 1970s, when divorce became widespread, there has been this mistaken idea that children do best when their parents are happy. Marquardt, Judith Wallerstein, and others completing long-term studies of kids of divorce, though, show that contrary to popular belief, a child from an intact but unhappy family with only low-level conflict tends to grow up happier and more secure than a child from a divorced family, even if that divorce was a “good” one. Children, you see, don’t worry so much about their parents’ happiness as they do about their own security. And divorce ends that abruptly, no matter how “amicable” that divorce is supposed to be.
When parents divorce, a child’s world comes crashing down. It doesn’t matter if both parents still love you; the simple fact is that, to a child, at least one did not love you enough. They thought of their own needs before they thought of yours. Emotional security has disappeared. As a consequence, Marquardt found the biggest difference between children of divorce and children of intact families is that kids of divorce felt old even when they were very young.
And there’s a reason for that. When parents divorce, kids spend long amounts of time away from each parent, so nobody actually shares the child’s whole life anymore. The only person who knows the child fully is the child him or herself. And so the child walks through life alone.
It’s interesting that in almost every other avenue of parenthood we try to spare our children pain. But when it comes to divorce, we ask three-year-old kids to be separated from their mothers for weekends, and from their dads for weeks at a time, or vice versa. We ask small children to sleep in strange bedrooms, to move much more than usual, to change schools, to get used to intruders in the house you’re supposed to call step-siblings or step-parents, and to undergo all these changes without complaint.
Today one third of divorces are inevitable, because one parent is abusive, addicted, or unfaithful. Marquardt is not addressing parents who flee these types of relationships. And I have written on why we need to divorce when there is abuse. But two thirds of divorces are simply because one or both spouses would prefer to leave. In these cases, as Marquardt shows, there are no good divorces. Of course, many parents, like my mother, had little choice about the disintegration of the marriage. Their spouses left, and they tried to build a solid home for the children also left behind. Those parents deserve our praise and admiration. But other adults think their personal happiness is worth their children’s agony. If those parents could listen to the voices in this book, maybe they’d realize the children do not agree.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Your second to last paragraph sounds a lot like daycare.
Just sayin’.
It does, doesn’t it? So true! Oh, and I had a formatting error that I just fixed, so I think you’re talking about what is NOW the third last paragaph, instead of the second last paragraph.
But I think this goes beyond daycare/school, etc. When a child is in care during the day, and they come home, they can at least tell the parent what happened that day. When they’re away for a week at a time, you miss out on such a significant part of your child’s life. And what’s really hard is when one parent didn’t want the divorce in the first place!
No, it doesn’t. Just sayin’ (as someone who has children in daycare).
Daycare must be different where you live. Where I live parents pick their kids up every evening.
I have been watching the effects, or perhaps more honestly the collateral damage, with divorce from too close recently. One of my colleagues is a single mom of two girls, divorced from the children’s father for about four years. But Daddy’s new girlfriend has been upsetting the children and Daddy, according to my colleague, is more interested in girlfriend’s point of view than his children’s. This has led to a panic-stricken morning one Monday, after the children have been to see Daddy for the weekend, meaning colleague did not get into work until 2 hours after she should have started, and was on the phone to school for a significant period (20 -25 minutes) because one child was playing up badly. She (Mom) also burst into tears at one point during the day.
During the school holidays, I have seen these children (with their mom) and normally they are really happy and easy-going. Their mother is trying to be both mother and father to them, and is frustrated that her ex-husband is losing the connection that he had with his children. the younger one is already saying things like “Daddy’s girlfriend keeps telling me off for made-up reasons. I don;t want to go to Daddy’s any more”
I do not think that my colleague is making this up, as she goes out on a Tuesday evening every week to let her ex’s parents have some time alone with their grandchildren, and the children are usually fine on a Wednesday.
But how can one help. I am the work supervisor for this single mom. I really should not be getting involved in her domestic affairs but it is affecting her work, both in terms of her attendance and in terms of the quality and quantity of her output.
This is more of a vent that a call for specifics that I can do to help this family, but perhaps someone who is thinking about a divorce will see what it has done to this family and think twice about restoring their marriage instead.
So true, uk Fred. One of the problems of breaking up is that you don’t really leave your ex behind when you have kids. You still have to parent the kids together, and that means you’ll still be involved in their life, and they’ll still have power over your kids (and thus over you). If you can’t work it out now, it won’t be easier to deal with them later. So put in the work now and try to see if it can work! It often only gets worse.
I love your blog! This one was pretty sombering to me. I wanted to comment that the 1/3 of divorces that you think are inevitable, are good reasons for divorce, and some are just down right needed but I think that even through addictions, adultery, etc. if the “guilty” party is willing to work and get through the selfish reasons or mental reasons why they are doing what they are doing the marriage can heal too. I was a child of divorce and just plain abandoment from my father. I in turn didn’t choose such healthy relationships. But, I have been married for 14 years and chose to stick through some ugly stuff because I believe God is able to heal. My three boys deserved me trying and my husband trying as well. God brings us through trials and in order to become selfless we mire through the muck. I appreciate you being candid and forthright about what divorce really does to the children. I hope more people take heed to the truth!
You are great!
April, than you for your gracious comment. You are so right: just because you have grounds for divorce does not mean that divorce is the best/necessary option. One of the most amazing things that God does is redeem what seems to be irredeemable, and when He does do that, often our lives are so much richer. At the same time, I know that the ugly stuff is often still there for so many, and they’re just trying to slug through. It is really hard. I’m sure your children will always be grateful that you chose the difficult road.
I am somewhat bewildered by your comment above due to the fact that the “more difficult road” can damage your children’s perception of acceptable treatment and love. If daily yelling, name calling, belittling and excessive control and cheating is simply tolerated to remain together for the children, how is that the better choice? What kind of example does allowing that set for our children?
Certainly there are some marriages that need to end–but the vast majority of divorces don’t include daily yelling, name calling, belittling or control. They’re just two unhappy people. Abuse should never be tolerated, but just because some marriages can’t and shouldn’t be saved doesn’t mean that all unhappy marriages can’t or shouldn’t be saved. Every relationship is different, and some certainly shouldn’t go on. But research has shown that these types of divorces make up less than 20% of splits. The majority are just two people not liking each other anymore. And those really can and should be saved, in my opinion.
Thank you so much for writing this. I am seeing the affect of divorce on my brothers and myself even years later as we all go off on our own. It saddens and sickens me because only those who have been through it understand. Because of what we went through I purpose to make my marriage the best I can and encourage others in their marriages as well. No marriage is perfect but it is for life and there do many things each person can do to better their marriage each day.
Kathryn, you know it’s interesting: kids of divorce tend to go in one of two directions. Either they perpetuate the divorce cycle themselves, or they have AWESOME marriages because they are so intentional about not repeating the cycle. Sounds like you’re doing the latter (and so am I!)
Thanks for the article. As a woman finalizing a divorce and a social worker who works in the schools I do wonder about the equal impact of staying in a marriage without a strong spiritual foundation or when one parent stays even though there is abuse and addiction. I can’t tell you the number of children I work with who do wish his or her parents would not be married due to all the fighting and pain they bare witness to. Often times that parent is absent within the home and the same issue is a concern. I happen to have a parent who stayed married to someone abusive and I think that impact was equally as great!
I was told that it used to be chuch, wife, children, work and now it is work, children, wife and maybe church. I think a huge impact is a loss of spiritual connection. What I do know is that life is not fair, it is difficult and if there was more time raising our children and living our lives in a mindful manner with reflection, we would be connected with what is important. Unfortunately we don’t live in a society that generally supports this, so it becomes essential to seek this out.
I appreciate the honesty of the article, although I think the soul searching that is done while going through a divorce would be beneficial to do before one gets married.
I have been married for 11 years. He has been addicted to porn, drugs, and drinking throughout the marriage and verbal abuse as well as some physical. I have struggled for years thinking I don’t want my kids to go through divorce like I did, so i stayed. Every time I would try to leave he would promise change and stay strait for about 2 weeks then back to old ways. He could be an amazing man if he would stop blaming God for his issues and just get clean. The divorce will be final next week and God has truly given me peace about this. My heart hurts for the kids because they don’t know the truth. They just see daddy begging me not to go through with this. Sp I look like the bad guy. I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing by keeping the truth from them. I figure one day the truth will be reviled and they will know then. My heart hurts for them. I’ve seen a lot of anger and sadness and not sure how to help them. Divorce is a terrible thing and i am leaving this knowing that i have given 100% of myself to this marriage! I’ve tried EVERYTHING and refuse to let my kids grown-up thinking this is how a marriage should be. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 10 yrs and struggling to provide, but God will carry me in this time of desperate time of need!
I am open to any suggestions to help my babies (10,7,&4). Thanks for your post! God bless
Wow. This is powerful. I am absolutely fascinated by the studies about kids from unhappy families being happier than kids from “happy” divorced families. My parents divorced when I was out of the house, and it was still so incredibly painful. I can’t imagine what it must be like to go through as a child and have to have two “homes.” Thanks for writing this. People need to read it.
The pain never ends!!! The sad part for me is the my parents put so much guilt on us and “require” so many rules of interaction (because my parents can’t be at the same function-because my Dad wont be in the same room with her) that it has made my life miserable. I am in my mid-40’s and I am still dealing with issues. I abhor that they seem to be just fine in their lives, but if you don’t abide by their written and un-written requirements, then they show their disapproval. I think the kids suffer the most!! An now I have had to explain it to my kids, and it sounds absolutely ridiculous when I am explaining it, without tainting their view of their Grandparents. I HATE DIVORCE!!!
Ditto here. My father’s third wife is uncomfortable around my mom (his first wife) and so they do not come to my kids’ birthdays or any function for them that my mom might attend. I wish the kids’ happiness mattered more, since it’s not their fault and it happened 25 years ago.
All parents should be given praise and admiration, regardless if their spouses left. I am currently seeking a divorce from my husband and this is in no way for my own happiness. I have two young boys that need to see it is not acceptable to cheat on your spouse. Although they are too young to know these details now, someday their father will have to answer to them. This was an interesting read, but I do not agree with all of your opinions.
I am a stepmom of 14 years, and I’ve watched the turmoil you’re talking about, Sheila. I’ve been in the middle of it trying to build something solid for these kids to land on. The truth is, no matter how much I worked at it, the effects of divorce are just a stinking reality, though a stepmother who is working with the parents for the kids’ sakes can make things comparatively easier.
It is interesting to note that for alot of girls, they tend to begin sorting through their feelings on the divorce once they are on their own: in college, get married, etc. Being out from under their parents’ rooves gives them the emotional freedom they need to begin processing. What a way to begin adult life, eh? A great book I read that gave me a real insiders look into my stepchildren’s reality was Generation Ex by Jen Abbas (Zondervan).
For any parent contemplating divorce ( or who is already divorced) I highly suggest reading this book. For any stepparent who is parenting stepchildren, I highly reccomend this book. Educate yourselves; it can only serve to help the children.
Yes, I’d agree Sarah. I started sorting a lot of this out once I got married–though that was awfully hard for my husband. It is really tough, and I’m sure your kids are blessed that they have such a dedicated step-mom!
The article talks about how both parents no longer share in the child’s full Life. That a child of divorce is always alone and parents miss out on such large amounts of time that not all can be shared after the fact. Another important aspect is that often the child feels like they can’t share their life with dad with their mom and vice versa, because it will be painful or disloyal to the parent that wasn’t there. It is beyond lonely, especially to only children.
So true! I’ve seen that in my own extended family.
Wow! Coming from divorced parents I can honestly say YES! all of this is true.
Although I agree completely with this article/blog/writing I would have to say that most Christians that opt for divorce for whatever the reason know that their children will be affected.
I love the article but enough with statistics and underlying “shame on you for getting divorced” articles. How about “Ok, you messed up…this is how to minimize the affects”. I know when I was going through my divorce I searched for those and there weren’t very many Christian based ones out there. I know that biblically divorce is wrong but sometimes in this world the ‘other’ parent doesn’t get the choice.
I adore you Shelia and love your writings…this is just a thought 🙂
Hi Michelle,
That’s a good point, but I’m not sure what I would say. I guess I just feel more called to write to people BEFORE the divorce happens than after. But if anyone ever sent me a good guest post on the subject I’d for sure run it!
I am a child as a result of divorced parents. I do remember just wanting some stability. So I know completely what my sons mean when they simply say they wish their dad and I could have stayed together. I answer the question of “Well dad says you did this to him. What did he to do you?” with telling them what I did wrong, not what their dad did wrong. I also let them know that I’ve repented to their dad for not being a different wife that he needed, even though I’m now remarried. We set out to honor their dad at our house despite it not being returned. All I care about now is that my boys grow up knowing that they have two sets of parents that love them. Well, that after knowing that they know Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. I hate their heartache. I hate missing out on time with them. Kids really need both parents, and courts don’t see it that way. My heart just hurts.
Oh, Rachael, I hurt with you. It sounds like you’re doing so many good things, though–not badmouthing their dad, trying to raise them in a stable home to know God. Just know that God has His hand on your kids (just as He had His hand on me), and He can protect them and hold them.
What a great article to stumble upon. A newlywed and child of multiple divorce(s) has my brain working overtime to try and make everything run smoothly all the time.The fear of continuing that awful pattern consumes me at times. It truly amazes me that even as an adult the divorces still linger and affect me. Have you come across any good reads on adulthood after a divorce? Or married life after a broken home? I seem to find most books written with children in mind (maybe that’s a sign to leave the feelings in the past).
Thanks for the article Sheila!
Wow. As a child of divorce I cannot agree with this article. Maybe that was some peoples experience but it was not mine. My home was more stable after divorce, my mother may have been stressed financially but she was happier. Yes we had to take more responsibility for ourselves but I do not think we were ever asked to take on an adults role. For many families it is far better to have 2 different household (hopefully both loving and stable) than 1 that is riddled with simmering anger and a horrible example of marriage. To speak like you have some authority on the subject because you read a book that agrees with your experience and cast judgment on so many people is shameful. Get over yourself
Disagree! Do you actually insinuate that the child feels that one parent didn’t love them enough to stay? What a bunch of hogwash! I know that you come from a divorced home but you cannot speak for every child that does as well. Even if there are no issues like abuse or drugs or infidelity, don’t you think a child can sense when his or her parents are in a loveless marriage? What does that teach them? I wish my parents would’ve divorced. They were roomates that coexisted. They didn’t argue, they didn’t fight, they didn’t kiss, they didn’t hug. I’ve had real intimacy issues my entire life because of that. And THAT is why I’m divorced today…..because my parents stayed married and I thought it was ok to settle. I find this article irresponsible and dangerous. Divorced parents go through enough pain and guilt without having people like you write articles that make them feel even more guilty. Don’t bother responding, I’ll never visit this sure again.
Amen!
I completely agree! My parents were the same! I am now contemplating my second divorce. My marriage is not abusive, but it is lacking in love, intimacy, and communication. I am lonely and sad. How in the world am I supposed to be the best mother I can be, feeling this way???
This blog makes me upset and I feel like the writer is trying to guilt me into staying in a loveless marriage because God said to. Sad.
As a divorced mother, this article just made me feel bad about myself. Was I supposed to beg my husband not to file for divorce? I am trying to help raise a well-adjusted child, but clearly I cannot do that because I am divorced. The guilt a parent feels about divorcing and not being able to see their child every day kills you. Just when I think I am doing okay, I read an article like this and I literally cry. I get that divorce is hard on kids, and a responsible parent should consider that when contemplating ending the marriage, but guess what, it’s hard on everyone involved. So thank you, now I feel like I have failed my son all over again…
Seriously? Some kids feel this way. But I am sure this is at best a 50/50 split if that. I had divorced parents… I am sooooo happy they are not together… I never was like oh cry me a river I have to remember my mothers birthday.. Or Wahhaaa I can’t see my father this weekend… And come on the change of have a step sibling-omg- like having a baby born after you isn’t just as much change?? It’s really not that bad… You just didn’t enjoy it or had a bad experience
I am the man who was unfaithful to my ex-wife now…she comes from divorce parents and I don’t. My parents went throught a lot and even unfaithfulness in their marriage but they stil stayed together! My father was an alcoholic and we as children and my mother were abused but my mother endured until God took over my family’s life in the early 90s!
My ex-wife suffer from schizophrenia, PSD, and bipolar….I knew about the situation in her life and health issues but I really didn’t “know” what all those things were exactly but I loved her so I marry her! God healed her from all of this just a year before our divorce!
But my point is that when she decided divorce was the solution for our situation but I didn’t want to but because I was told that if I didn’t divorce her I would never see our son again and that scared me more then the divorce! So anyway, we got divorce but now talking about my son; I saw his confusion, his hurt, his pain, his dissolution, his world crushing down and it was painful to see him going through that!
As parents most of us forget about our children for a moment and just focus on our pain we are going through and can’t see that we are actually sacrifising our own children and their world that they were brought into!
Say NO to divorce and fight because God is much bigger then the pain you are going through if we only surrender all of it to him, it might take time for you to let it go but HE can never let you down!
Sheila this is a great post! I was reading your post about daily routines when I stumbled across it. I have been divorced for about 5 years now and my daughter was 10 months old when we separated. He was unfaithful numerous times and had an alcohol issue. When I filed for the divorce I said to myself that this is what is going to be better for my daughter and I still think that it was the right choice. Had I stayed married to her father I would not have been in a good place and therefore I couldn’t have been a good mom. Although, I do struggle with the fact that my daughter isn’t happy in her current situation every day I have to believe that God will take her unnecessary stresses away and replace them with unlimited happiness. You are right when you say that the child grows up quicker for to the fact that her parents are in her life part time. This breaks my heart and that’s why I call my daughter every day and we Skype one to two times a week. In every decision that I make in our lives my first question is how will this effect my daughter, is this truly in her best interest, in the long-term aspects will this be in her favor…. I make sure that the answers to these questions are always in her best interests and a lot of the times the results bring suffering to me. At the end of the day I have to do every thing in my power to make her life as great as possible no matter the costs because she already has such a huge burden. Thank you for your post although it made me cry it was a great insight into my little girl’s daily struggles.
I’m a 21 year old “child” of divorce and found this article true to my own feelings on the matter of my parent’s divorce. My life has been split between my parent’s “time” my whole life. No holiday, birthday or weekend goes by unscathed. Although I have wonderful half siblings now, if I could go back in time and have my parents stay together I would. That sounds selfish, yes, but asking a four year old who they’d like to have more time with is ridulous.
Thanks for sharing, Marley.
I agree with this. People these days get divorce willy-nilly. There is no thought of the children. Like you said, they just see it as an amicable divorce (in few cases), and think it’s all good. But kids see it differently. Think of it this way, a man and woman meet at some point, they were not together all their lives, then they get married. A baby is born into this already formed union. So don’t think that it’s an easy thing for them to digest.
I know divorce isn’t ideal but I just wanted to share a flip side. My parents divorced when my siblings and I were between the ages of 13 and 3. Even though my dad basically faded out of our lives I know I never really struggled with it. My mom loved us more than enough for both of them!! Every birthday, Christmas, and summer vacation was special. As the oldest, I did have more responsibilities but I learned to cook, clean, and be responsible at an early age. Today, 3/5 kids have college degrees and the other 2 are on their way. I don’t share this to detract from the authors message because I agree, but for divorced moms… You didn’t sentence your child to a life of misery! Just love them the best you can and trust them to God and I think, in a lot of cases, they will be just fine 🙂
I think this is a very beautiful comment. I completely agree. I unfortunately, am a mom of divorce. My children do not have the socially “accepted “ life of 2 parents together forever and living in the sane home… However, life sometimes does not set the path for children as just what happens in young childhood. For example… my oldest son is almost 18 and is an amazing young man… 4.0, loves politics, extremely up on times of it and has never (so far🤞🏼) lol been pulled towards the way of drugs, sex, or any other outlet for emotion. I have very good friends ,who are both pastors…. did it all “right”… and their teenage daughter is “wild” right now…. making some poor choices. I believe and pray she will be ok… however I don’t believe divorce dooms our child for life of tragedy. Very good article however….and hopefully will save marriages if they read it before divorce…God heals all…I still believe he will heal my family. Btw…myself and exhusband, do put our best attitude forward for our children and have an amazing agreement with time with our children.. neither of us are away more than 2 days. Thank you for your article and views.
Thank you for this. It helps me understand what my daughter is going thru. Her dad and I divorced when she was 6 and a half,even though I did not want to divorce. Now, he is not in her life much at all. Though God gave me an amazing new husband and a stepdad for her, this helped me see why it is not the same. Thank .
My so-called father abandoned his family when I was a toddler and my sister a baby. Didn’t hear or see from him again until my sister’s wedding last year. A few days later I went and met him for the first time in 18 years.
Because he abandoned us, I had full adult responsibilities by age 15. My mother did a phenomenal job but she has myriad issues herself (and the emotional maturity of a four-year-old,) and she just couldn’t be both parents.
Because of him, I was alone. I never had friends my own age simply because I was so mature for my age. Teens found me creepy, adults gushed over me.
Because of him I never trusted men. I knew, in my head, that there were some good ones, but my heart had a hard time accepting that.
I have decided I don’t ever want to see him again, and he is not allowed to be in my child/ren’s lives. He forfeited his responsibility because he didn’t want the hassle, he doesn’t get the rewards.