It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
Today I want to talk about dressing my husband–how I actually like doing it.
Now I have an amazing husband. He’s awesome with my girls. He shows me love and affection. He cares about my feelings. He listens to my emotions. He gives me backrubs. He’s a great provider.
But he can’t get the hang of the fact that you really shouldn’t wear a white shirt with beige pants. Fashion is not his strong suit.
The other night at dinner I was looking at his pants, and they had received quite a lot of wear that day. There was dirt on them, and creases, and they were looking rather bad. But then I noticed that these were also his best dress pants. And he had them on with a few-years-old golf shirt that he likes to wear on more casual days to work.
I commented that given the number of perfectly serviceable, cotton pants are in his closet, perhaps it’s best not to wear dry-clean-only slacks with casual shirts. He laughed and says that when he gets dressed in the morning, the only question he has about pants are: are they clean? And do they fit? And if they’re not clean, but he can wipe something off, that’s good enough.
I have realized long ago that my husband will never have the fashion sense that I do.
But here’s the thing: I like him looking sharp. I like him looking put together. But I can’t rely on him to do this, because he just doesn’t get it. So now every night I get an outfit together for him and put it on his dresser for him to put on in the morning. That way, if he leaves for work early and I don’t see him until he gets home for dinner, I don’t die of embarrassment because he’s been wearing beige with white all day.
I figure you can always spot the married men in a crowd because they look put together. But it tends not to be because they know how to dress. It’s because a woman makes sure that they leave home looking presentable.
So you can complain about his fashion sense, or complain that he wears the good pants too often and wears them out, or complain that his tie doesn’t match his shirt, or you could just lay out his clothes for him.
Personally, I’d rather lay out his clothes.
I like putting outfits together, and he does have nice clothes. He just can’t figure out what goes with what.
I think that when your husband looks put together, it reflects well on everybody. I used to do it years ago, but I stopped, and then that night when I noticed his dirty really-expensive pants, I realized it was time to start again. And so I do.
It’s just what marriage is all about: you get to fill in the holes that he’s really bad at, and he fills in the holes that you’re really bad at.
Rather than being upset at him for not “getting it”, just realize that this is who he is, and plug the hole. It’s really not a big deal.
Maybe for you the issue isn’t clothes. Maybe he’s awesome at picking out his own clothes and making outfits, but for the life of him he cannot balance a chequebook. Or maybe he can’t remember birthdays. Or maybe he’s really bad at keeping track of his appointments.
One of the great things about being married is that you can step in where someone else is weak and you can be a team. My husband appreciates me picking out his clothes (I wouldn’t do it if he didn’t). It gives him one less thing to worry about. I appreciate him keeping track of the finances and when the cars need oil changes. That’s one less thing for me to worry about.
I used to do the finances when Keith was busier, but it stressed me out to no end. He actually enjoys doing them.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My husband is a great dresser. Always has been, always will be.
My dad is a terrible dresser. Sweats, black socks, and moccasin slippers to the grocery store. My mom has decided that if he’s alone, she doesn’t care. If she’s with him, he had better change 🙂
Wow, that’s an interesting perspective. Personally, I keep (or try to keep) 100% out of my husband’s clothes choices. This is based on a book I read a long time ago that said that when a woman chooses (or buys) her husband’s clothes, she is acting like his mother and the relationship will move more into that unhealthy relationship of nagging mother/little boy which is so destructive. And frankly, it’s been good for me to keep out of the way because interfering in that does make me feel like his mother, even if his clothes choices do drive me nuts. After all, I would feel absolutely insulted if my husband laid out my clothes for me or told me what to wear. But I appreciate your perspective on this.
Unless you husband asks for it, I honestly think dressing your husband can be demeaning. Even though my husband often puts together outfits that I don’t think looks fashionable, I’ve learned to let it go. Allowing him to express his individuality is more important than his looking “put together.” However, if he ever asks my opinion (which he does sometimes) I readily offer recommendations! 🙂
I had to chuckle when I read this. My husband and I were both 33 when we married. My sister-in-law told me she was glad he was getting married. Then maybe his clothes would match. I try to iron and lay out his clothes for important events. Otherwise he pulls something out of the closet and wears it wrinkled. He thought he was saving me time by not asking me to iron. I told him that it reflects poorly on me as a wife if he goes out in public with wrinkled clothes. The matching issue is taken care of too if I do the picking. 😉
I see what you’re saying and I agree. I would love to do this…however, I’m pretty sure my husband would find it belittling and maybe even offensive. Everybody’s different: I’m not always crazy about my husband’s choices of clothing…but he’s determined to do it his way and I know his feelings would be hurt if I insisted on choosing his clothes for him as if he were a little kid. Do you see what I’m saying?
Interesting.
My husband doesn’t have a great sense of fashion. But I’m pretty sure he would be insulted if I always chose his clothes for him, as I would be if he always selected my clothes for me. We do make suggestions for the other and there are times I ask him to wear something else given the occasion, but it is not a daily occurrence. I think how he dresses reflects him, not the whole family. Also, I feel like I knew how he dressed when I married him, I accepted it then, didn’t try to change it then so really my attitude should be one of “getting over myself” (on a daily basis) rather than trying to have him fit an image I have in my head. Specific occasions excepted, as I mentioned.
How funny and how true! My husband can’t seem to understand that kelly green and olive green don’t go together because “Aren’t they both green?” It’s the color coordinating that isn’t natural for him, so I chip in when asked (and sometimes when unasked but needed). Thankfully, he looks rather sharp most of the time!
J,
I hear you on the color coordinating issue. I have the additional challenge of red-green color blindness, so without a true color seeing, fashion sense possessing wife I’d be wearing black and white only!
First I have to say that I have loved and agreed with everything I’ve read on this blog over the past few months!
…except for today.
I have been learning and growing in my relationship with my DH for the last 6 years, and at first, tried to “dress” my husband the way that I thought he should be dressed. I love a put-together man just as much as the next girl! But, that’s just not my husband’s style. He loathes khaki pants, and wouldn’t be caught dead in a standard blazer, even at a country club dinner with family. At first I didn’t understand that, and attempted to dress him in a typical clean-cut manner that, to me, is put together and “classic.” In trying to do that, though, I caused a lot of tension because he felt like I was trying to take away part of who he is. He’s a creative guy and likes to wear “creative” outfits, that I would never dress him in if it were up to me.
At first I was slightly embarrassed to be around him in his olive green paint-stained pants and an old black t-shirt, because it wasn’t MY style. But, after broaching the topic, I realized how disrespectful it was for me to tell him that his way of dressing himself, as an adult man, was not “good enough” for me. I was squashing part of his creative expression and my actions spoke louder than my words. He was frustrated, and it certainly wasn’t building our marriage. I had to realize that what my husband wears just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of eternity. My husband is an adult, and was functioning just fine on his own before I came along, even if he didn’t always look the most fashionable.
Who are we to swoop in and “fix” something that has no definition of “broken?” The way we dress is an outward expression of who we are most of the time. Why should we try to change how our husbands want to express themselves?
Clothes … heck, I’d just be happy if the man would take the time to go and get a decent haircut! It’s getting pretty shaggy … and since he quit working in the oilfield and doesn’t have to shave regularly, there is a big bushy white beard. I feel like I’m married to Grizzly Adams! I don’t think he realizes that women feel what their spouse looks like reflects upon them … I can deal with the padded quilted shirts and the jeans but I do wish he’d spruce up a bit but not sure how to motivate that without nagging or being uncomplimentary. Wish me luck!
Denise in Saskatchewan.
I have to agree with the commenters who find it disrespectful to “dress” a man. My husband is the first to admit that he has no fashion sense (he seems to think I do, although most women would disagree!), and when it’s important, he asks my opinion. But I don’t regularly buy his clothes, and on those rare occasions when I do, I go with *his* taste over my own. He’s expressed repeatedly how much he appreciates this, especially after his best friend started seeing and later married a woman who picks his clothes and dresses him, even buying shirts after he’s said he doesn’t like them. It hurts my heart to see my husband’s friend, a strong man whom I respect, being treated like a child, and to see the embarrassed look on his face when his wife does this in front of me (buying clothes for him that he said he didn’t like). Of course it’s different if the husband *wants* his wife to pick his clothes in order to save him the bother, or at least doesn’t mind.
Knowing Sheila, I suspect her husband doesn’t mind her laying out his clothes, and probably values her input. I could see how this could be a very sticky wicket for a lot of other spouses, though! I have been known to lay out clothes for my husband on certain occasions, but always according to my best idea of his tastes, and only for the sake of saving time when I know he’s going to be rushed. I think it makes a big difference too HOW one’s fashion input is offered – no one (including me) likes to be criticized on how they look or how capable they are, but in a loving partnership there is always room for loving encouragement and gentle guidance.
One side note though, Sheila – I don’t think there’s any call to be embarrassed by your man wearing a white shirt and beige pants. This is a classic neutral combination (just ask GAP or Brocaniers) that always looks classy and put-together, if not very fashion-forward. Not everyone suits edgy styles.
You’re right, Sarah – beige and white are an old classic.
I enjoy fashion, but I only love women’s clothes. I’ve never paid much attention to what’s in for guys, beyond noticing when an outfit looks nice. The same goes for my husband, who’s very stylish with his wardrobe but would be hard-pressed to tell you what the latest trend for the ladies is this season. Even if he wasn’t good with clothes, however, I agree with the other commenters that laying out his outfits would make me feel like his mom and someone who was actively demeaning her spouse. Every marriage is different though, and for husbands who ask for it or are otherwise OK with it, then great!
When we go on vacation with my sister and her family she always packs the suitcase for everyone, including her husband.
I never could understand this. How did she know what he wants to wear? But apparently he wore what she decided.
I also think that picking my husband’s clothes is taking on the role of mother. Honestly, with the exception of my mentally challenged son, I don’t pick out my sons clothes either.
I will give my opinion if he asks me. I would be very offended if he picked my clothes, and I would feel as if he wanted to control my choices.
By the way, I love the white with khaki look. I frequently wear it myself, so easy to add accessories.
Oh, it’s really interesting!
By the way, I have a question about online (as well as mobile and instagram) shopping for the husband. Could you share any special secrets, how to buy online and be sure about quality and sizes? What was your worst experience and how hard was it for you to cope with that?
Well in my family it is the norm, i get to choose my husband’s clothes on a daily basis. When i got married i never imagined this was going to be one of my responsibilities, and I dont even know how it started and when, but right now if i dont put out an outfit for him in the morning, he asks for it and i have to wake up and do it! So now i put the outfits a night before and he appreciates! At first it was not my cup of cake, but now im used and im getting to love it…it shows he trusts my fashion sense. Even shopping, he would tell me to do it for him, even in his absence, nomatter how much i try to convince him to be there!
I remember when i had to work far away from home that we would see each other once a month for a period of like 2yrs, i came back home to find some socks in a bad state, on asking him why he didnt buy he said he was waiting for me to come monthend and buy the socks and clothes for him, he loves it that way and also loves my fashion sense. From that day i decided to take this duty fully and with more commitment than before, beacause i noticed thats what he wants…even though sometimes i wonder how a grown up man would act like a kid. People are different indeed!