It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up!
This Wifey Wednesday post is reprinted from 2009.
Photo by Rev Stan
Many of you would kill for flowers.
You can’t figure out why he can always remember the oil change and when the game is on but he can’t remember to pick up flowers every now and then.
When we were first married, Keith used to buy me chocolate truffles. I love chocolate truffles. Especially in the bath.
But then one day he started buying me flowers. In fact, he vowed, without telling me, that he would buy me flowers every two weeks for six months.
And he did. They started coming like clockwork. He was expecting me to be ecstatic. Romantic. Enthusiastic.
Instead I began to seethe.
And the more flowers came, the more upset I became.
You see, about the time Keith made his pledge to buy me flowers I realized that I had gained ten pounds. I don’t know how I did it; it just appeared one day. And I was very sensitive to it.
So when he started bringing me flowers, all I could think was, “He thinks I’m fat so now he won’t bring me chocolate.”
Pretty stupid, eh?
Fast forward to last week. I was away speaking for a few nights, and the night before I left I was rather distracted. So we didn’t–you know.
Then I came home at midnight. So we didn’t–you know.
The next night I know he was hoping for it. And normally it would have happened! I like it, too, after all.
But I was tired and grumpy. So we didn’t. And neither of us slept well.
The night after that I threw myself into it, we had a good time, and all was well.
The next day he brought me flowers.
And I thought, why do I get flowers on the days after we make love, and not on the days after we don’t?
And I started to get angry again.
After I had come back to earth and realized that men are not actually women, I figured out what the issue was.
Keith is a guy. Guys don’t think that deeply. Here is what was going through Keith’s head:
“I love my wife. I think I’ll buy her flowers.”
Isn’t that sweet?
Of course, as a woman, this is what I assume is going through his head:
“She made love to me, so she needs to be rewarded. I need to withhold romance and affection when she doesn’t perform, and only give it to her when she does, so that she starts acting the way I want her to.”
That’s not it at all.
Here’s the truth: women have this hormone called oxytocin. It’s the bonding hormone. It’s present when we make love; when we nurse our babies; and lots of other times. It’s what makes us affectionate and cuddly.
The only time men have the hormone is after they make love. So they feel really close to us. They feel cuddly. They feel like women!
That’s why men are so lovey-duvy the next day. It’s not to be manipulative. It’s because they honestly feel close to us and affectionate.
Isn’t it great the next day after you make love, how he looks after the kids, and hugs you, and even does housework? It’s because he feels affirmed as a man. He feels powerful. He feels loving.
I think we women need to stop seeing ulterior motives behind everything our men do and just be grateful when they are affectionate and loving. Isn’t that what we’ve been wanting, anyway?
And realize that this is the way marriage works. When you meet his needs, he starts to meet yours. It’s a give and take. But if you’re waiting for him to be all affectionate and to be romantic before you make love, it may never happen.
So are you going to wait? Or are you going to do something about it?