Last week I guest posted on “A Martha Heart”, writing about how to keep your bedroom a sacred place for you and your husband.
The first commenter really took me to task for one of my points. I had said that co-sleeping–inviting the children into your bed–even when they were toddlers, was not good for one’s marriage. It hindered one’s sex life, and most men resent the kids’ presence. And men’s feelings should matter.
The woman said that was ridiculous, because “while you can divorce your husband, most women wouldn’t dream of divorcing their kids.” Therefore, the kids should come first.
I’m always amazed when I read this so blatantly. Do people not understand what they are saying? So I thought perhaps this needed its own post.
First, it goes without saying that having the attitude that “you can always divorce your husband” is a seriously bad idea. That means when he starts to really bug you, or consistently seems to ignore your needs or not listen to your feelings that you could think about leaving rather than trying to fix the problem.
But there’s a bigger issue, and it’s this. The best way that you can love your kids is to love your husband. What kids want, more than anything, is to feel that their home is stable and secure. That security gives them the wings to grow and explore in safety. That’s not to say, of course, that all marriages can be saved or that marriage, no matter what goes on behind closed doors, is best for kids. Obviously there are cases where you need to leave to protect the children. But that is rare, and I believe most marriages that break up do so for far less.
Do you remember that scene in the movie The Incredibles, where the two older children are huddling in the cave, wondering what to do to rescue their parents. The little boy is tickled pink with all the excitement around them, while the more mature teenage girl tries to kick some reality into his little head. “Don’t you realize that our parents’ lives may be at stake?” she yells at him. “Or even worse, their marriage?”To kids, divorce is just about as bad as death.
Never think that you are doing your children a favor by prioritizing them over your husband. You’re not. And yet what often happens is that the overwhelming love that we feel for our children makes our husbands seem selfish if they want something from us, too. Doesn’t he understand that the kids need to come first?
After all, every one of us would die for our kids in an instant. But who would die for your husbands? Chances are you’d have to really think about it, because you know that your kids likely need you more. It’s not a straightforward question, is it? And yet because our love for our kids is so primal and so different, it’s easy to push our husbands out of the way and build our lives around our kids.
Don’t. Your kids don’t need you to be with them every single night. They would benefit from you taking a break and going on a date with your spouse. They would benefit from having their own room, so that you and your hubby can relax together in your bedroom. Your children will thrive when you learn how to resolve conflict with your husband, how to form a real team, and how to put him first.
After all, the Bible says that the husband and wife are one flesh, not the kids and the mom. They may come from us, but we are united with our husband, not our kids.
Husbands often feel very put out when children are born, because they take over everything. We’re exhausted, and we need to feed the babies every 3-4 hours, so our husband’s needs fall far down the list. I think in the newborn period this is only natural. But, honestly, don’t let that persist. He is not wrong if he still wants to spend time with you, or wants to have sex with you! He actually is doing the right thing; he’s prioritizing the right relationship. He’s not being selfish.
Let me ask you: how do you navigate the muddy waters of everyone’s conflicting needs? Do you sometimes feel like your husband is putting too much on you? How do you put him first? Let me know!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Your right! That lady is ridiculous! We are in a covenant with our spouses, most of us promised before God to love, honor and cherish them. And you're right again that making your marriage a priority is the best thing you can do for your kids! Our kids know that our marriage comes first. We go out without the kids, my hubbies needs come before theirs. He is a Godly man so perhaps I don't have it as hard as others, but I know that our children appreciate the way we value our marriage and our bedroom. Our bedroom is off limits to our children unless they are invited in. When our neighbors got divorced, they informed them that "their parents would never get divorced because they love each other too much!" My husband is a Pastor and he always says that the best thing a parent can do for their kids is to love their spouse. My daughter is newly married and I see her following our example and setting a good foundation in their marriage. Their first child is due in August and I know that they well be great parents. Even when our kids, now teens, want to come along on our dates because they didn't see their Dad much that day, we tell them they can't because we are the ones that are married to each other. Don't worry! They get plenty of attention the rest of the time. They are very close to both of us. A sound, loving and passionate marriage does bring stability and security into the lives of your children and creates the home atmosphere as a safe place, a shelter and a place where they can always go when they need that.
>I agree 100%! The best thing we can ever do for our kids is to work hard on our marriages.
I tend to do well with setting aside time together and keeping our bed our own, but I've noticed lately that I'll often allow the kids to interrupt our conversations. Sometimes it seems easier to quickly deal with their needs than to have them hovering in the background. But I'm realizing how disrespectful this is to my husband, so I'm going to make a concerted effort to make the kids wait until we're done (even if it means they wait half an hour for juice, I'm sure no one will die of juice deprevation!).
My mother,chose her husband over my sister and I and we were neglected…. how can God neglect us?
Milagen,
I am sorry that you were on the receiving end of what was as you describe, “neglect”. I noticed you did not say your “dad” but stated it was your mom’s “husband”. I have found that the hardest thing we do to our relationship with God is see him through someone else’s choices and allow for God to be defined through the hurts and disappointments life has brought our way.
Obviously, I have no history as to how your dad was not in the picture and your mother’s husband was. No matter how that situation arrived, there was hurt for you and your sister. Whether it was because you never knew your father, he left, your parents got divorced, or he passed away, each and every one of those scenarios would leave behind emotional scars that would require healing. However, parents heal at different speeds than children do mainly because their life span has allowed them to feel and process many more emotions that children have no matter how old the child is when the event takes place. There is a “connect-the-dots” situation that takes place behind closed doors that often is overlooked by even the closest ones to us.
For your mother: She was either a caring and doting mother, an emotionally uninvolved mother, a mean and authoritarian mother or an all together disconnected mother. Every one of those descriptors brings with it a host of functional and dysfunctional traits personal to her. However, when little ones abide under the care of emotionally hurting individuals, that hurt is systematically passed down to them. Whether we realize it or not we start to see the world through the “lens” that is being provided for through the hurt of those raising us. If not careful, we assume their hurts and dysfunctions under the guise or “normalcy” and begin to see a skewed version of the world through their eyes: Unhealthy emotional eyes.
God is a powerful God and He is a sovereign God that desires the best for His children. However, His children have the one thing that He cannot control: Free Will. To every thing there is a season and all that lives must come to an end. As an example: For married couples, a marriage can end in divorce, abandonment, and/or death. At some point in time that married couple will cease to be married on earth. Some scenarios controlled by us and some controlled by our bodies. There is nothing to blame God for. Can I be angry that my dad died? Absolutely. To say that God does not love me because He took my dad is not really a fair statement to make. Why? Because the earth would eventually cave in onto itself if no one ever died. What makes my dad any more special than your dad? For my dad not to die means that someone else’s dad would have had to die to maintain balance on earth. Why yours and not mine? Eventually, my dad would have to die. The law of life requires it. God is not to blame. It just is.
I said all of that to say this: Now, why did your mom marry this man? Mainly the obvious to you given you know your history. But for your mom…why? Security? Loneliness? Financial decision? Self-esteem? Fear? Dare I say “Love”? Feeling she needed to provide a father for her girls…and NOT REPLACE…but PROVIDE a father figure. That answers begs the question: Why put him first?
As the article has mentioned, Biblically, our husbands (not just the father of our children) does comes first in the hierarchy of what the Bible has set out for the family. However, I do believe there are healthy ways to do this. It may be that in your family that balance was off. But, to imply that God “neglected you” due to your mother’s choice of putting her husband first is not fair to your relationship with God.
What it appears to me has taken place here is that you have allowed your mother’s choices of how she chose to express HER love to YOU and YOUR SISTER and her HUSBAND dictate how you may or may not see God. GOD has nothing to do with how your mother chose to love you. YOUR MOTHER DID. This goes back to the subject of FREE WILL. Your mother could have delegated her time, her love, her discipline, her communication, etc, in any way she chose all the while working alongside her husband. The way she chose to do it hurt you in many ways. She was free to exercise her will in how she chose to parent her children. And now, you have the free will to choose to forgive her and her husband. However, this takes me back to the statement of “God neglecting us.”
I pray you get to the point in your relationship with God that you arrive at the conclusion that God could not control your mother. He could not control your father. He could not control your mother’s husband. For that matter, He cannot control you. That control is solely yours. God simply is. He engages in relationship with us when we let Him. Once we give our lives and hearts over to Him and enter into covenant with Him, we become one, God as the head. We willingly submit to God’s plan and will in our lives. However, we always maintain autonomy. To put on God the faults of man will create a barrier between God’s perfect being and our imperfect state.
I hope this has made sense to you. If you have not done so I would encourage you to forgive your mother; whether she is still alive or not. I would say, “forgive God” but He did not do anything wrong other than give your mother the ability to choose. Whether she chose right or wrong, it was ultimately her choice.
>Thank you Shelia! I have received appalled looks and nasty comments when I have told people my husband ALWAYS comes first.
Our children want us to stay married, they want and need the security of a solid marriage. They need to learn from that as well.
One day those kids will fly the nest and all you have left is your spouse. What will you do then if you have put him on the back burner for so many years? What will keep you connected? The kids are gone!
>Sheila, you are so right! How stressful for that poor husband of that lady! One wrong move buddy and you're OUT!
I did a series on co-sleeping/attachment parenting several months ago on my blog and ruffled a few feathers. =)http://www.courageoushomekeeping.com/featured/something-i-dont-want-to-talk-about/
One thing I never quite knew how to "argue" was the point that people brought up about how we are coming at this opinion from our "privilaged white society" and in most cultures in the world, including ours until fairly recently, all co-slept with their children, if not in the same bed, at least in the same room. How do you argue that point?
>I co-slept and did the attachment parenting with my son while he was small and helpless. I really do think that is a VERY natural human need. I do believe most other cultures have a MUCH different outlook on things like sex and nudity and their children aren't really brought up blind to it, but also not taught to go about doing it. I have no doubt plenty of them make love in the same room as their children, but its not thought to be sexual abuse as it would be here.
And also I wonder if the whole divorce culture is really a western thing? We throw it around like its normal and nothing to concern ourselves with. It's divorce or else!! After all there is welfare that can make up when a woman chooses to bail or visa versa. SO there really isn't a good reason to stay married, when we give so much reward for leaving.
>I totally agree that husband should come first. But this can mean different things to different people. On the co-sleeping note, we sleep with both of our sons right now (3 and 5 months). It was something that just started out of convenience with my first son and, after asking my husband multiple times if he was okay with it, we decided that it was the best arrangement for our family. I still ask him (my husband) regularly if he feels it's still working for him/us and he LOVES it! So do I. Yes it has made our bedroom life a little different than if the boys were in their own room, but when we make it a priority, our sex life suffers no more than any other couple with a new baby. We make some changes but we've made it work for us. And I feel so much closer to my husband because I love watching him snuggle with the boys as we all fall asleep at night.
If at some point our sons are getting in the way of our relationship, then we will make changes. As of right now, our sons, and the closeness they bring, has only helped our marriage become stronger.
So I'm inclined to disagree on the co-sleeping point (for various reasons that I have researched as well as knowing my own marriage, and those of a number of other moms I know, have actually improved because of it) but I will agree that your relationship with your husband comes before your children. If it weren't for your husband, you wouldn't have your children. And when your children move out, your husband is the one that stays with you, till death do you part.
>i'm a lurker here but i just had to comment a resounding "AMEN" to this post. i've only been married 8 years but with 2 toddlers i have lived the struggle of wanting to put my kids first. that is not right. Lord help me as i seek to follow God's plan and put my husband first.
a wise woman at church recently commented that we CAN possess our husbands: song of solomon "i am my beloved's and he is mine", together until the day we DIE, but on the flipside our children are gifts from God, entrusted to us for a time, people we are NOT called to 'possess'. afterall, one day our kids' spouses will 'possess' them, and i for one do not want to be the MIL from hell ha!!
wow, love that!
>Ladies,
This was a mistake my wife made (and I let it happen 🙁
We've been married 26 years. The first 21 years, she definitely put the kids first and me/our marriage second (although it was a close second). The last 5 years – she made a significant adjustment – I wish I knew why or what prompted her – but I've been too delirious just enjoying it!
Since we took the divorce word out of our vocabulary, I wasn't going anywhere -but I can't help but think back on the lost opportunities to build a stronger marriage. As we are now in our early 50's, the physical side of aging is beginning to limit what we can do or go together.
DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE!
We're BOTH looking forward to "Growing Old Together – the Best is Yet to Be!"
>If men are nothing but sperm donors, then the "children come first" thing makes sense.
Your children won't respect you for choosing them above their father – when they're old enough to understand it.
The problem is that many women only find a man because they want a family and kids; the actual man, as a partner and equal in a relationship, is a convenience or a function.
Most men aren't like this (though there are some, of course).
But that said, this can be managed: men just need to be firm about their own needs and they need to discuss the woman's downgrading of the man in her life in a very direct and open fashion.
>The bible teaches that the woman was made for the man to be his helper. Then the children came. We were not created to be mothers FIRST. just my two cents…
>Woot! I couldn't agree more! thanks for saying it SO well!
>Well, I have to agree and disagree. I do believe the marriage comes first. That was God's plan and provides stability, security and the proper example for children.
However I don't believe that cosleeping automatically is detrimental to the marriage. I asked my husband MANY times both before and while our son was cosleeping if he was uncomfortable with the arrangement, but HE insisted it was the best thing for our son. (We did make sure that our bed was safe for cosleeping.)
Being a parent is sacrifice, but there is no need to sacrifice your sex life. I clicked over to your linked post "Keeping your bedroom a Sacred Place" and I would say even pre-children there are definitely more interesting places to enjoy your husband then just the bedroom. It doesn't take any more intentionality to have sex in the bedroom than any other room of your home.
>Thanks, all, for the comments! Obviously I've opened a bit of a hornet's nest, since not all of you agree with me about the co-sleeping. And I see some people have linked to this blog to talk about the issue, too.
If it's honestly working for you, and you can look yourself in the mirror and say that you are having sex as frequently and as enthusiastically as you would be without your kids being present in the bedroom, then I don't think it's a big deal.
But I think that's rare. I really do. And so I'd just encourage you to think about it, that's all.
As for what I say about other cultures, I actually don't find that one that hard. Our culture is completely different. In the Middle Ages, when everyone piled in the same bed, a 7-year-old was basically doing the work of an adult. There was no such thing as childhood, let alone adolescence.
So to compare our time with theirs is very difficult because life is so much different. I think it all comes back to principles. Our husbands, and even our sex lives, have to be the priority.
If you can do that while still co-sleeping, and your husband is in agreement, then you aren't violating any principle. If, on the other hand, you can't, then saying that "families have always lived this way" isn't really the point. God tells us our husbands come first, and so we have to live that out in the best way that we can!
And incidentally, my kids did not sleep in our room, and they are extremely well bonded to us! It can be done. I was also one of those who couldn't sleep if Katie was in bed with me, so for me it was also necessity that banished her!
>Did you see my post? I mentioned that it is very hard for me to sleep with the kids in bed, even though my husband has never really had a problem with the kids coming in there.
My feelings on the culture issue are mixed. As I said on my blog, life in the 21st Century Western world is complex and couples do have to work harder to tend the garden of their marriage.
At the same time, couples and families (and children) have different needs different ways to go about meeting those needs.
When our two youngest were babies, we were in a bit of a unique situation because we had children well capable of keeping an eye on them while we walked around the block, or went off to *take a nap* on a Saturday afternoon, etc. My husband also has a flexible work schedule so their afternoon naps leave time for us to concentrate on each other during seasons when he isn't as busy.
So having the kids in our bedroom really didn't hinder us all that much. BUT…I have to admit that I do miss the little haven we'd created in the years between when our oldest were little and when Lil' Princess and Sweetie Pie came along.
I guess, as is evident from my range of comments on the blog, my opinion really isn't as cut and dried as the AP parents or the parents who believe the kids should stay out of mom and dad's bed.
Okay, I'm finished!
>Hi Terry! Thanks for commenting!
I'm a few days late chiming in here again (I took some time off for my birthday), but this discussion has largely migrated over to Terry's blog, where it's gotten quite a few comments that are quite heated at times! But also extremely interesting.
So if you want to keep following it, head on over here!.
>I also wanted to address something Pickle said: she points out that this is really a very Western attitude in both ways–wanting the bedroom to yourself, but also having a high divorce culture.
I'd agree with her on both, actually. Yes, most cultures sleep with the kids in bed, but I'm still not sure that this is the ideal for the marriage. Most cultures also have much smaller homes. If it's possible and you have room for kids to be separate, and your marriage can be stronger, why wouldn't you? If, on the other hand, you really can create a close marriage with the kids in bed, and your husband agrees (please make sure he does, and don't pressure him in to it), then I don't think it's a problem. It's just that I've seen many marriages in which husbands are pressured into it.
As for divorce, I think Pickle is right in that it is part of our selfish culture. But it's also part of a post-Christian or non-religious culture. China and Russia also have high divorce rates, for instance, and in the Arab world they're extremely high (because you can get rid of wives easily). So it's not only in the West that we have high divorce rates. I think it's anywhere God isn't the centre, and that is WHY the West's divorce rates are so high.
I love your advice and I think it is very true that most mothers “pick” their kids over their spouse, but I come from one of those rare homes where the wife loved the husband more than her children to a fault. It can go both ways, especially where there are step children involved. I think that, as with many situations, the real solution lies directly in the middle, and that is the challenge we have as wives and mothers, making sure that no one is neglected, mistreated, malnourished or misunderstood. It’s a lot to balance but I think we’re up to the task if we accept it and look at it with honest hearts.
Very true, and I think this is a big issue, as you mentioned, in blended families. I think in blended families it’s a bit different; I’m not sure the husband should always trump the children in the sense that the children were her responsibility first. That’s a tough one. I have known women, for instance, who married a man that her children hated, and I’m not sure that was the best thing. But it’s true: the balance is in the middle, and that’s hard to find.
Well if the husband is an unselfish, loving caring and good father, then loving the husband more than the children would and cannot be a problem.
I’m glad to know that there are women who do love their husbands more than the kids and put their husbands FIRST.
My own parents are like that and the thought of them loving each other more than us gives me a sense of happiness and a STRONG CONSOLIDATED UNITY of theirs.
ITs because of women like you who put their husbands first why as a young man I can give marriage a positive thought and any level of consideration. THANKS!
Also check this link out:
http://scribbit.blogspot.com/2010/05/loving-your-spouse-more-than-your-kids.html.
Your husband does come BEFORE the kids, especially in love. If he wasn’t there neither would your kids be.
AMEN! When my husband and I married, one of our vows was to never use the word Divorce in relation to our marriage! It is not an option. I believe that anyone who believes that they can always divorce if things are not quite right, did not get married for the right reasons! And are not investing in their relationship as they could be! I for one did not co-sleep with my children, as I did not sleep when they were in my room (it is hard enough to get enough sleep with my husband in our bed!!!) but I also knew I was not comfortable with sex and having toddlers next to me!
Thanks for being a supporting woman’s voice in this!
We co-slept when the kids were babies because I needed the sleep and was nursing otherwise I am not a functional or nice human being. But around 9 months old, they moved to their own bedroom. Our kids don’t sleep in our bed with us ever now and I prefer that. I think it comes down to communication. If you and your husband are truly happy and content with it and both spouse’s needs are being met, then by all means go for it. But if your husband is being neglected because of the children then it is not okay. I want a strong marriage. Because someday these children are moving out and I want my husband to be my best friend even then. And if I don’t cultivate that with him now, then it will be much harder later. I’m totally for what ever works best in each individual home but make sure you’re not becoming complacent or using the kids in the bed as an excuse to not have sex with your husband. It should be a constant re-evaluation for everyone and hopefully the husbands are being honest and communicating their true feelings with their wives.
The bible does not say to meet your husband’s needs before your own flesh and blood. It says that the husband is the head of the household which does not mean to feed him first,or if the two were in an accident, god forbid, that u would first check your husband’s room before checking on the well being of your child. I will never push my son to the side just to please my husband. Woman have put plenty boyfriends,before their children and many who are married are not married to the father of their children. My sister and i were always neglected due to my mothers many boyfriends and i vow to never neglect my child. The bible tells you to love your husband christ loves the church but it does not say to choose who comes first which should always be your children. Many married men are also not Christian and this comment stems mostly from that. A real God fearing man is the only thing that i believe should come first…y? Because he will put his children first and God himself directs his path. God will not lead his own wrong but as for unsaved men who come in multitudes, i believe should NOT EVER come before innocent children for he is not led by the spirit. I may hurt some feelings when i say this part but IF YOUR HUSBAND HAS EVER LIED, CHEATED OR STOLE from you, the spirit is not in him and his decisions and demands should not override your decisions about your children ESPECIALLY if he is just a stepfather
Thank you for this article. You have presented some unpopular truths but it needs to be said! I enjoy your blog and appreciate your honesty here. While I think co-sleeping in itself isn’t bad, I believe many moms place their children between themselves and their husbands as a gatekeeping device. The children can become the perfect reason to never face problems in a marriage, to shield them from vulnerability to their husbands. I’m not saying this is always the case, but I think co-sleeping can contribute in a negative way to an already troubled marriage. A husband and wife should always find time to connect with each other and co-sleeping can make that difficult. We have four children and co-slept during early nursing phase but husband and I were united on the issue of them learning to sleep in their own beds soon after.
You’ve created a false dichotomy. Co-sleeping does not mean not putting your husband first! In fact, Co-sleeping is quite helpful for a nursing mother, particularly in the first six months of a baby’s life, when the little one is establishing nursing and up every few hours. I get far more sleep with baby in my arms than I do if I’m bouncing in and out of bed to go to a separate room and nurse in a chair. Further, whether a family decides to continue until children are six weeks or six years is their decision.
I would hope that a husband and wife would be of the same mind on such a decision. We certainly have been. Has our sex life suffered? As we prepare to welcome our fifth child (who will co-sleep for a few months, at least) into our lives, I have to say no. The same would go for the vast majority of my friends, all of whom have “large” families by today’s standards, co-sleep for at least a portion of the child’s infancy, and have robust and *fruitful* sex lives.
I am often confused by this… as someone who is going to marry a man with children, I have none and never wanted any… Not that I hate children or dislike them, I like them a lot… have been a Little League coach, and babysat for many years as well as have spent time with friends’ children… I have just never wanted to push something out of my body, though my fiance and I have spoke about it. But as a soon to be step mother, to children who have a bio-mother who was once married to my fiance. This bio-mom seems to have no interest in her children nor does she seem to want to take care of them, well on any other level that isn’t superficial. She seems lost and sad… and maybe it’s because of her decisions or maybe something else. But it’s still no excuse for why she appears to not really care… So to say she loves her children over all else seems a far shoot, but maybe she does. I have no idea, but I know my fiance and her didn’t love each other and they had kids together before they were married, and maybe that was the problem, but really that has nothing to do with what I am saying, but only shows that love isn’t so black and white. But getting back to my point when my fiance looks at me and looks at his children, it is a completely different look of love… When he looks at me it’s a look filled with passion and romance, there’s a deep love that I can feel and give back because I feel that way about him too… and while he looks at his children and the look is filled with love, a deep love but it isn’t a romantic passionate one it is humble and care giving. This is a love that I have chosen (and after reading so many hateful things people say about others am glad I am making) not to experience.But I also see that he that his love is trying to prepare them for a life of their own… My father, who loves my mother but she doesn’t love him at all, always said “Olivia I love you all, but the greatest compliment to my parenting will be you going off and living as if I no longer am alive..” I think that speaks volumes, my mother feels the same… I wish my parents loved each other more, my mother often says she just married my father because he didn’t have children and neither did she and she wanted some… I feel sad for her, they both deserve happiness with someone who is their soulmate but they do not have it… I have it, I wish my parents looked at each other the way my husband looks at me… I live far away from my parents, and the only thing we share is the phone bill… which I pay my portion of and have since I have had a cell phone. They took care of me while I was there, gave me what I needed and I never had very many wants… except wanting to do everything myself. They gave me the ability and the courage that I could take care of myself, that I could go out and have a life beyond them and my hometown. That is a great gift, the best gift. I love my parents and they love me… but I love my fiance passionately. The love I feel for my future husband is completely different than the love I feel from my parents and feel for my parents. When I met him I finally knew what all those love songs were about and all that poetry I had read… To love your spouse is selfless love, it is willingly putting them in a place in your life saying… “I love you and I want a life with you and no one else…” A child is a decision, no matter what anyone says (except rape of course) but if you love the person you have a child with or do not, it is a choice.. a selfish choice, the act of creating a child is selfish (sex feels good, that is why we have it) and if you choose to have sex and not protect yourself and have a child… it’s not a selfless act you are doing… you made that decision to bring someone in to the world… so take the responsibility for the outcome of your decision. I love my soon to be step children, and I want them to find someone they love one day, that they want to be themselves completely with because we all know our parents only see parts of us we want and our spouse should know us better than anyone. I hope my step children finish college, are successful in whatever they do and especially in life… and I hope they know what it means to love selflessly because love isn’t selfish… it isn’t a competition and I have never felt in competition with my spouses’ children or with my parents… When you love it means that you expect nothing from whoever it is you love; children, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends, relatives, and that you can say “I love you,” and when they do not say it back it is ok because you know and they know that you love them and care for them no matter what… that is what LOVE is about, not some sick twisted competition… and if a parent can measure the love they feel for their child to that of their spouse… if a parent is IN LOVE with their child, then that is a serious issues that parent has with themselves… A child needs love to show them they can be great at life, no matter what it throws at them.. they do not need their parent to be In Love with them… and as for choosing who you would sacrifice, it should always be yourself first, for the people you love. That question should never even be brought up in any discussion of parents of who loves who more… that isn’t love, love knows no bounds and no scorn, it is not selfish and it is not demanding and it has no expectations.
Final note: To all the people who are parents acting as if having a child is something that no one will ever understand… to all the mothers’ who say the bond is amazing and child birth and unique and special… there are billions of people who experience it, before and after you for years upon years… animals experience it as well… so while it’s special to you… it is very common so please don’t act like your choices are more valid than someone with out children… And what about all these children who have parents who leave them, or who give them up… or who do drugs or abuse them? Yes parenthood isn’t the same for everyone… We always look down on others who disagree. And love only has conditions if you put them in place. Love is selfless, we are selfish… The world owes us nothing, but we forget that.
It’s interesting that people say putting husband first is important to keep the family united. But they say in blended families, the emphasis should be on the kids. A marriage is a marriage, first, second, blended or not… The needs and expectations don’t change, we are all human. If that’s the premise of blended families that kids come first, no wonder 65% of second marriages ends in divorce. I think you should treat your spouse as a spouse, first, second or blended. Kids in blended families are not any superior to kids from “original” families. Treat all kids the same and your blended marriage will have a better than 35% chance at survival.
I do not have kids yet but I completely agree! I’m getting married in January and when the time comes for us to have kids there will be no co-sleeping. My parents have been great examples of a healthy, Christian marriage. They have been married for over 27 years and have four children (I’m the oldest) and not one of us slept in their room past that age of 6 weeks old. I completely agree that co-sleeping is unhealthy for a marriage and also for the home. I see it so often though, moms allowing this to happen and it saddens me. God has commanded you to love your husband and to put him first and you are deliberately disobeying him when you put your children first. Would you have your children without your husband? No. God gave you your husband first and that’s who needs to always be first. This is so important!!
As a man, dying for my wife or kids has never been a “thought-provoking” question. I just act. For not all but most men it’s a reflex. I never really thought of my wife being in that position to have to make that decision of dying for me. I hope she never is; I will negotiate to take het place if it happens. She has though, slept with our children from birth as long as the children will allow. Our youngest is eight. I truly believe it is as much for her as it is for them. I believe she’s making a mistake in this action; she believes I am wrong and she is totally okay with me sleeping somewhere else within our home. She will choose her child before her husband any and every day.
I totally agree, but I have a question. My situation is a little different. I recently got married to a godly man who has grown children, which are all out on there own. However, the youngest two whom are 19 & 20 feel like he has abandoned them. They now live a hour away, and want to see him consistently. They call at all hours of the night. One continues to disrespect me. She said she was here first and she is his daughter. We are on a limited budget. We can’t drive that far, but maybe once a month, but that’s not enough. I have a 23 year old married daughter, and a 9 year old son, which my husband loves as his own. It has gotten to the point where they are driving a wedge between us. It seems they want us apart so they can have him 24/7. What does God’s word say how to handle this situation? Thank you for your help!
In a blended family, there IS loss and abandonment, So he remarries, takes on an underage kid while his are grown, YET its too much money to visit HIS kids, because they are grown. Yeah you are a winner and he is too. Limited time and money when its HIS kids, yet he can raise YOURS ..wow
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. His daughter is feeling abandoned but she shouldn’t take it out on you. Continue to shower her with love. And while other commenters will try to make you feel guilty don’t listen. If you have a limited income, you do what you can. You can not neglect a small child because a grown up wants to act like a child. Stay honest and open with your husband and continue to love his daughter so that maybe one day she’ll understand that her dad can love you both.
After reading this and most of the comments I have a couple questions.
1. What do you mean by a Godly man? My father has never been deeply religious but attends church with us (my mom, brother, sis in law, aunts and uncles, cousins) every Sunday. I guess what I don’t understand is what makes a man a Godly man.
2. Does this work for both spouses? I am very certain that neither of my parents would choose the other over their children. They have always made it very clear that children come first and they have been married for 30+ years. My brothers marriage is the same. He and his wife have a beautiful daughter and I know that both of them make her the priority.
All this being said I am not married so I am more on the outside looking in but I think you have to look more at the family and their make up rather than grouping all families together.
Loving my husband is loving his kids, and loving my kids is loving their father.
I will not ever get into amounts. I can attend to everybody’s needs and my role to them without prioritizing my love for them. That’s barking up the wrong tree. God is love and it’s immeasurable in its amount. He can provide more than enough through me for my kids and my husband. There’s no limit on how much I can love my kids before it starts hurting my husband, and there’s no limit on how much I can love my husband before it starts hurting my kids. Because true love doesn’t hurt anybody, and it is limitless.
That sets me free to love freely and not be burdened with the worry of who I’m “loving” more.
And anyone who judges co sleeping with a colicky baby or opening your bedroom door to an anxiety ridden child hasn’t walked in my shoes. It’s not a dtmwtriment to marriage, but a huge benefit to many families. If your kids don’t need that good for you. But this is what certain children need, and how some of us bond as a family, and still don’t end up divorced or unhappy in marriage.
Can you imagine if we were scared of something and asked God to hold us in the night, and he said “no that’s silly, don’t be scared of that. Go back to be by yourself. You can’t stay with me.”?? No he wouldn’t!!!
How do I do this????
I wanted to commend Amber because although I believe the man is the head of the household and ahead of his wife, God never speaks to my heart when I ask this question of him about putting my husband ahead of my child (from a precious relationship) or even our children when we have them. So I’m going to say you are right, people are putting measurability on love between the two. So people are comparing love the husband over the kids with putting the husband first over the kids or the marriage first over the kids. The bible also says that the husband should not provoke his kids to anger. So if at any point the kids fell angry because the husband takes more if the wife’s attention then the kids are being provoked to anger. No one should be above another at all. The prioritizing of balancing the needs of everyone is all one the wife. Notice how Proverbs 31 describes the perfect wife and her balancing act does not prioritize even the marriage first but her acts of kindness and love and giving to all. So in retrospect, the wife is held at a high pedistool and God clearly tells the husband and children in these scriptures to call her Blessed because she is not choosing one over the other, yet she’s balancing all together and meeting every ones need. Also, you can not compare your love for your children to that of the love you have for your spouse.
So what are you supposed to do when the MAN puts the children first? Andntheboldeat child is 43 years old!! I am so despondent I’m ready to call it quits after 45years. No amount of talking (threatening) works.
I come from a broken home. My mother and I lived from when I was 10 till I left at the age of 25. She belittled me a lot and it really took a tole on my upbringing. I don’t hold anything from my momma, thats just the way she was. I married a woman with a son who was 6 when we met. Both of us are christians but she would die for humanoid pretty much let me die. I really think the only reason she hasn’t left is because she don’t work and I make a pretty good living. If he asks for anything he gets it. I am tired of this both physically and spiritually. he’s 20 now and still living in my house and does nothing. He has a part time job but really contributes nothing and I mean nothing. Sex? we haven’t had sex in 6 months and honestly I really don’t want it. She does nothing for me really because I see her on the stand by waiting on him to give her her marching orders for the day. I wanted to go see a concert and she seemed really interested but then she thought I can’t because my son has to work and I am his transportation. Getting real tired. Anyway thanks for this information and this sight where I can vent a little. God Bless
Hi Robert, I know how you feel. My husband has not touched me in 3 months. I doesn’t hold me, tell me how much he loves me, allows his adult daughter and grandchildren to disrespect me, and I feel he doesn’t trust me. I love him with all my heart and it hurts so much to next to him in bed and feel so alone. I pray every night for our marriage and ask God to change me. I try telling him how I feel and how I am so depressed over our marriage. I no longer sleep in the same bed with him, I moved to another bedroom. It’s just the two of us in the house. We have had counseling from the pastor but a few months later, we are back in the same boat I am just trusting God to make a difference in our relationship, because I love him.
Theresa, LA
I agree with the point of putting your husband first,children go, but a devoted husband stays. However we need to dive into the , more heartbreaking matter. We must never neglect,and dismiss our childrens needs. There must be a middle ground for everyone involved, so the children see a united front by the parents, in United love for their children.the last thing any parent wants to see is the child they forgot to also nurture the child resulting is anger,regret, pain in the children. And im still agreeing with the husband being first, im simply saying that one must be mindful of what could and what has happened in the pasr.
I know this discussion was like 4 years ago so I’m late in my response, but I would like to share my thoughts.
Although I understand the importance of prioritizing one’s spouse/marriage in MOST situations, there are times when the children SHOULD come first.
I grew up with an abusive stepfather…my mother remains with him to this day. Sometimes we need to consider that there might be situations where it is detrimental to put the needs of a partner before the needs of the children. Maybe I’m biased because of what I had to endure, but this is coming from my heart.
I think that sometimes we put too much emphasis on what the Bible says (no disrespect but it’s true) about preserving marriage at all costs…even in cases where children are being hurt emotionally and their needs are being ignored.
It calls to mind the song “Stand By Your Man”. Sometimes we shouldn’t take this so literally.
I understand that you were trying to talk about the importance of making one’s partner a priority and I agree. But to say that the husband always trumps the kids? I’m not sure…it depends on the situation. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, just sharing my two cents.
Yes, absolutely, MB! I do agree with that. Definitely didn’t offend me, and I’m sorry if I didn’t stress that enough. (It’s funny, Keith and I were signing Stand By Your Man and laughing at it last night for a totally different reason!)
Great read… now after seeing this article I’m a wife who’s viewed as a girlfriend when it comes to my husband and step daughter. He’s clearly stated that he’s not putting me over his child and that his child will always be, they are one flesh. Therefore ladies take note… if you are NOT equally yoked, it’s going to be tough. Pray for me. Im at a point of leaving so he and my step daughter can live happily ever after. Reason being, I’m the outsider.
This is the best article ever. Not even married yet and i’m keeping this one for a reminder in the future.
I do not have children yet, and so my input may be “moot” in this discussion, but I am a teacher and I have seen the effects of divorce or tense marriages on children, and it isn’t good. I have had students who fear losing their parents because their FRIENDS’ parents have broken up. Kids whose parents have broken up wonder often if it is their fault.
My own parents love us all dearly, of this I am certain. However, we have also witnessed our parents having their own tremendous struggles, and it is hard. As much as we want our parents to love us, my siblings and I agree that we feel a lot more secure when we know our parents love each other and will fight for their marriage.
I have only been married four months and we plan to wait about a year before trying to have children, but my husband and I have agreed that, while our kids will be important to us and we will do our best to raise them to love and fear the Lord, we will also do our best to make our marriage a top priority. In all reality, our kids will be out of the house in 18 years, but our marriage still goes on.
Please don’t misunderstand me. My kids will be very important to me. I can already tell I may be one of those helicopter parents and will have to work at not being too protective. But I will work my hardest to not let them become the top priority over the man to whom I have pledged the rest of my life.