Last week on Wifey Wednesday I encouraged you all to have more sex! Use it or lose it, I said. When you have sex more, you actually charge your libido!
But then some of you commented, what do you do when it just doesn’t feel good at all?
First, for many women sex doesn’t feel good at the beginning of their marriages.
In fact, based on the surveys I did for my upcoming book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it looks like most women have rather ho hum sex in their first few years of marriage. They don’t reach orgasm. They don’t like it that much.
That’s because, as much as we may talk about sex being “totally natural”, we don’t just figure out how to do it easily. So many things are tied up in sex that making it work like clockwork isn’t actually that easy. You have to feel safe. You have to feel relaxed. You have to feel willing and not ashamed. And that takes time to build up trust.
So just know that if you’re in the first, let’s say, 7 years of your marriage, and it still isn’t working, it likely still will! Hold on to that! Consider this a fun research project you get to do together, and get a book, like The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, which tells you in detail how to make it feel good.
The second thing is that I am totally convinced that most women do not know their own bodies.
And men certainly don’t! Men may “know”, at a head level, that women need to be touched longer before they’re ready for actual sex, but they don’t necessarily know how to do that touching. Men and women like to be touched in entirely different ways. Men like it rougher; women like to be touched much more gently. Most men, then, when they do try to touch, do it completely wrong.
And what’s our response? We often don’t tell them. We put up with it, because to ask for something else seems embarrassing, and if we’re not getting aroused with what he’s doing, then we figure there’s something wrong with us.
But there’s not! It’s probably just that he doesn’t know what to do, and he’d really, really like to learn. He may be rushing through it, so you may get the impression that “he really doesn’t want to do this”, but he’s probably rushing through it because he doesn’t understand the importance of foreplay and he doesn’t understand how to touch you anyway, so what he’s doing doesn’t seem to be having much effect.
So, ladies, here’s what it comes down to: if you are going to have a good time in the bedroom, you are going to have to be an active participant.
Tell him what you want! He wants to make you feel good; for most men, that’s the ultimate prize. When they know that they can make you feel good, they feel like real men. They feel wanted and desired. So he wants it to work, even if he’s rushing through it. He just doesn’t get it.
Here’s a good way to make him get it:
Suggest that you play a game where all you do is touch for 15 minutes. Just have him touch you, and when he does something right, tell him. When it’s not quite right, move his hand or lead him to some place better. You don’t even need to use words if you don’t want to. But show him what feels good, and in the process you’ll probably learn yourself!
Believe that it can better, and take control of it. If you’re one of those women who has just never felt that aroused, you probably have to do this a whole bunch of times to learn how to relax and just feel pleasure. But you can do it! So dare yourself, and maybe you’ll find that you’re one of those women who finally figures out what all the fuss is about–even if you’re seven years into your marriage!
This exercise is just one from the 29 days to great sex series, available on the web for women, or in expanded form (written for couples) as the 31 Days to Great Sex!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Good article. But when I read the title I was hoping you were going to address what to do when sex actually hurts. I would love to hear your insights on that.
>Anonymous–
I will certainly deal with that soon! I actually have a draft up of a future Wifey Wednesday post already, and trust me, it is dealt with at length in The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex! I went throught his for a while, and I know how devastating it can be. But you CAN get over it!
>Just discovered wifey wed. and am loving all the links! My husband and I recently had a major revelation in our bedroom I wanted to share just in case this applies to someone else. All these years I've had a little trouble getting aroused because I was too dry. Sure there are things one can use to help with that and the internet is not short on advice for how to improve arousal in women, but this really was a physical problem. I tried switching birth control pills because I caught on that my estrogen was too low. Even with a higher estrogen pill I was still dry. I gave up trying. Then a few months ago a friend told me about the sympto-therm method of family planning. It just seemed right for us so we went off the pill. Two weeks later I recovered from my arousal problem…permanently! My libido has skyrocketed and my husband even seems to be more interested and affectionate.
Hope this helps someone!
>Yes, I too would love to hear about what to do when sex "doesn't feel that great" because of pain. I've been married almost 2 years and it still is VERY painful.
>I just came to you from Adding Zest. I use to follow a lot better but, have just come back due to well.. some concerns I started having about not feeling as good making love as I use to. I feel badly about it. I feel like I am robbing my hubby. I want to give to him and enjoy it more but, really I don´t enjoy it as much as I use to. I am only 35. We have been married almost 15 years. REally have had an incredible love life. I love him dearly but I feel like maybe we are struggling now. Any suggestions? (sometimes I feel free and relaxed sometimes I don´t)
thanks for this post and the one on Adding Zest. Tried to comment there but it refreshed and I lost my comment.
Dani Joy
>Frances, thanks for your comment! I found something similar, and that's actually quite common. It's a real downside to the Pill that doctors don't talk about enough! We did better with condoms.
Dani Joy, I certainly will talk about that! I think the fact that you're wondering about it is a good thing, though. Often we start to lose our libido when we're just in a rut in the marriage, because kids are taking so much energy. You have to be intentional about keeping everything fresh.
So in two weeks I'll write about that, but next week I'll help Anonymous, both of them, and write about what to do when it hurts!
Thanks for your comments!
Hi ladies,
I’ve recently discovered this blog and WOW, how pertinent this is to my life right now!
I have a great marriage. My husband and I have been married for more than 5 years and we are really in a positive place. We’re learning and improving every day and things are really great.
Despite my positive marriage, I continue to struggle with sex, like many of you. My husband is amazing and patient and it’s nothing to do with him. It’s me. Many of the things you’ve talked about on this blog are very true for me, including feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable or feeling stressed because it’s unclean and out of control and that’s just not me. Most of all though, I’m connecting with Anonymous about it being painful. Sex is just not comfortable or enjoyable for me yet. Other things are and my husband is great about doing what I need. But I know he needs sex and I want it to be good for me too. HELP!
Did the post in response to Anonymous go up yet? Or is that coming tomorrow?
Thanks for the great direction and I’m on day 3 of 29 days to great sex. Fingers crossed!
Hi there,
Yes, the post did go up! I’ve got a post on what to do when sex hurts here, and what to do when you’re too tight here. I also deal a lot with all of this in my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! I hope that helps!
So I love this article, I have had many problems in this area for our WHOLE marriage of 20 years. I wanted to offer some advice to those of you who suffer from a sexual abuse background. When I met my husband he told me that he was not interested in sex and I thought to myself YAY!!! Finally I found a guy who doesn’t want to jump in the sack with me every moment of every day…I was thrilled, beings I had been abused and had a toddler, my mind just was not into that at all!!! We were 20 and 21 when we met. Well, turns out that he was interested in sex he just didn’t know it because he hadn’t had it the way I had. Turned into a whole lot of problems and arguments and crying. He didn’t really know how to help me with the abuse factor and in turn made it worse so it just took a little longer to deal with. A few years ago he gave me the greatest gift a man could ever give his wife, he gave me full control of the sex life. He still initiated but if I didn’t want to, there was no pouting, no asking why not? or making me feel guilty and unsafe. Last year on Mother’s Day I broke down and even though he had done this great thing for me the guilt was still there, every time he wanted to and I didn’t I felt guilty (not his fault at all). That guilt was coming from inside me. I cried and cried and screamed at God for letting this happen to me and why did he do this to me, I got angry. My husband said he had never seen me cry like that before and I really don’t remember ever crying loud and angry like that before either. Something happened in that moment…I let that little girl that I had been shoving away for so long and telling her to shut up, I let her let it out and then in my minds eye I hugged her and told her it was ok and that I can handle it now from here on out and whenever she needs me to let me know and I will take care of her. See, I had been pushing her away because she was ruining my marriage I thought all these years if I could just ignore her she would go away…Nope that didn’t happen, I needed to pay attention to her and give her comfort and let her know that it is all ok now and I can do this without her screaming at me that it is unsafe. She was stuck in that abuse and I was moving on, it was like having a split in the core of my being and now we are one. I hope this helps another abuse survivor to not have to go through 20 years of torment and guilt or if you are going through it for a long time already to understand why and maybe this will help. God Bless!!!
Carol, that is a wonderful story. I don’t know if people will see it widely because it’s an older post, but I’m going to put this up in next week’s Wifey Wednesday, if I could. Thank you so much for commenting!
Absolutely, use it in any way that can help. I welcome questions or if any one wants to know more about what we went through as a couple I will help in any way possible. 🙂 Take care and have a Great week.
Carol, thank you so much for being brave enough to share this. I relate to your story on a very personal level. My question though is how do you let the little girl out after so many years of fighting her and hiding her away?
I feel totally relaxed at this sight knowing someone really understands. Thanks for sharing your heart and knowledge. Totally blessed. Thanks.
I appreciate this article, but since it doesn’t exactly address my issue, I figured I would reply and see what comes of it. Here goes:
My husband and I have been married over 4 years now and in the beginning, sex was great! Then we both went through a really, really rough year or so where the emotional part of sex was bad, but the sex itself was so-so. After we fixed that up, sex was virtually perfect thanks to toys, appropriate cuddle-love for me beforehand as well as foreplay, and even the sex itself was fantastic. Then I got pregnant. Sex was less often, but still dang good since we laid a great foundation prior to pregnancy. We had to switch up positions to keep me comfortable, since deep and fast was now too deep and too fast, but everything still fell into place. So now we have a problem again, and no website or forum I’ve found has addressed it. Sex is no longer any good. No matter what I do, think, or try, nothing seems to help. I don’t think it’s pregnancy, since up until about a month ago, things were working out well. So here are the other things to know: One month ago we moved to Canada from the States, shortly after arriving here I pretty much collapsed from pancreatitis and stayed in the hospital for 3 days and had my galbladder removed, and I’m 6 1/2 months pregnant. Am I just putting too much pressure on myself with all these big things happening in such close succession? I hate making my husband wait for weeks and weeks for sex, but I can’t bring myself to have sex when I have to grit my teeth and bear it and still feel discomfort a full day afterward where even walking is uncomfortable. Any help would be appreciated.
I have to admit, sex was much better in the beginning. I would LOVE to get back those earth shattering orgasms. I don’t know what has changed but it is NOT the same. Maybe once a year I get one of those WOWZA orgasms but not usually. It’s not that sex isn’t enjoyable but there is a definite difference in the past tens years or so. Kind of a bummer.
I’m am really glad I found this too! I am recently married (5 months) my honeymoon was ok :/ all the new feeling were great I never orgasmed but we kept trying….unfortunately I am still struggling to find any good in sex. My husband and I feel like we have tried EVERYTHING! But I guess time is really the only thing we have to hope for. I am very discouraged and want it to get better…does age matter? I am 22 so will it really just take some time? I never had sex before marriage an neither has my husband… One thing I love about him is if I start to get bored he is fine with stopping….but then I feel so terrible….I’ve been upset with God even…I saved myself for one guy now where is my reward? But I know that’s not how God works….blech I hope time is the key and help or comments would be great!
We’ve been married for three years. I have never reached orgasm. My husbands early on didn’t seem very interested in “touching” or going down there at all…and I was embarrassed (virgins). So then I became insecure and feeling like I am gross and so never wanted him to touch me or look at me there. I have gotten tired of sex just as it is (for him) and now I have some health restraints that cause me to be fearful of trying to achieve orgasm (I have violent palpitations on a regular basis and I spend my days trying to avoid anything that might trigger one and I’m afraid orgasm will). So now here we are…I don’t want him to see me without clothes on or cuddle or kiss or touch me in anyway because of the shame, fear of heart palpitations, and just a general being tire of sex being lame. We now fight all the time, and I am bitter that sex has never been for me. The prospect of letting him touch me for 15 minutes is enough to make me want to go off of a cliff or something. 🙁
What if hubby hates foreplay? I try to let him know slower, softer, and stuff like that but he hushes me and says “I got this” then gets frustrated a couple of minutes later and tells me it’s not going to work anyway. Then he’s mad that I never climax. I had to use a dilator set several months ago to get over vaginismus, it had gotten to the point where he could no longer penetrate, at least not without me screaming in pain. I don’t know what to do, I feel broken, like my body will never work like it should.