It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage! I introduce a topic, and then you follow up either by commenting or by writing your own post and then linking up! Today I want to talk about maintenance sex and women’s libido.
I’ve found a great new blog called Hot, Holy, Humorous, where a woman writes very openly about sex in a Christian marriage! And a while ago she wrote a really insightful post about “maintenance sex”. She said:
As much as I wish that our every sexual encounter was a long and soulful experience, sometimes we’re relegated to what my husband once termed Maintenance Sex. Perhaps you can only fit in a 10-minute quickie before breakfast. Maybe you have to schedule a half-hour into the calendar because otherwise it won’t happen.
But that maintenance can be very important. Think about it this way: It’s fun to make home improvements. New carpet, fresh paint, kitchen or bathroom renovations are exciting and satisfying. But we can’t ignore the minor repairs that the keep the house going –steaming the carpet, painting touch-ups, cleaning those kitchens and bathrooms. Both are good for your home.
The same with sex. We married couples might wish that our sexual encounters were as spectacular as the community fireworks display, but shorter encounters can be fun too, like playing with sparklers. They’re all firecrackers, baby.
She’s so right! And I think maintenance sex is important for another reason. It keeps the juices flowing, so to speak.
Here’s the awful truth that many wives discover as soon as they’re married: sex sometimes is kind of blah.
In fact, it’s a lot more blah than she ever thought it would be. But in the movies and in magazines it’s always presented as something breathless, rapturous, and amazing. We get the impression that that is what sex is supposed to be like. It’s always going to be an amazing, earth-shattering experience.
Then, when we know that we’re not really in the mood for an amazing, earth-shattering experience, we feel like it would be lying to go ahead and have sex.
And so we don’t do anything at all. We roll over and say goodnight and wait for a night where we might actually be panting and wanting it–even if such nights only occur about every six weeks, if we’re lucky.
But here’s the truth about female libido: normally we aren’t panting until we start making love. Our libido isn’t like men’s, when we feel “hot” before we even start. We usually need some stimulation to help things get going.
And interestingly, the more we have sex, the easier it becomes to get aroused.
The less you have sex, the harder it is to become aroused. It’s not like we deprive ourselves for a long time, and that makes it even hotter. It’s actually the opposite. The less you do it, the less you want to do it. Your body just forgets about its sex drive. That’s why female libido is a “use it or lose it” phenomenon.
So maintenance sex is not just about pleasing him; it’s sort of like making love as a promise to him and to yourself: I’m doing this because sex is important in our relationship. I’m doing this because I believe sex is great, even if the earth doesn’t always move for me. And I’m doing this because I know that the earth will move for me soon, even if it’s not tonight.
Now, if the earth NEVER moves for you, please check out The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex! In that book I explain how everything is supposed to work physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and give you lots of pointers on how to make it stupendous in your marriage.
But in the meantime, remember that maintenance sex helps him feel good about the relationship, keeps you connected, and helps your own libido.
So don’t forget about sex until you really want to. Make love regularly. It doesn’t have to take a ton of time! Just throw yourself into it, and you’ll likely find that your improved attitude makes it a lot more fun!