It’s Wednesday, the day when we talk marriage!
When I was 9 years old I was in love with Chachi. I used to dream that I was just a few years older and I was asked to star in his TV show, and he kissed me and decided that he loved me. I would work out all kinds of different plots for the show, all of which involved him falling head over heels for me, because he was so wonderfully cute.
Ever have those kind of fantasies? We all do. The problem comes when they don’t stop.
I know many married women who would never dream of cheating on their husbands, but at the same time they have a “crush” on some big star–either a sports figure or a celebrity. They have pictures of that man all over their FB page. They have mugs of him. They make constant references to him.
Recently I received this email from a woman exasperated with her friends. She writes:
Can you please tell married women to stop falling all over themselves praising other men? I’m sick of seeing married women talk about how “hunky” some hockey star is, or how “hot” some star is, especially when their husbands are sitting right there.
We’ve told men that we women don’t like it when they talk about how hot other women are, but we turn around and do the same thing! It has to stop.
I completely agree. I think something has happened to our society in the name of “sexual liberation”. In the 1970s, when feminism really got revved up, one of the things that the movement tried to do was to end the idea that women and men were somehow different. And so they started praising women for acting all sex-crazed, just like men. And it became a sign of women’s empowerment to say that a guy was “hot”, or to openly talk to other women about how cute someone was. While men weren’t allowed to do it, women were encouraged to do so.
We’ve now internalized that, so that we think it’s fun and harmless to idolize hockey players or football players or actors. But it isn’t. Even if your husband says it doesn’t bother him, it’s still wrong. The only one you should have eyes for is your husband.
I hope we all agree romance novels can be dangerous, because too much fantasy about non-realistic romance can easily wreck your marriage. But can I please ask married women to stop posting about hockey players on Facebook, too? And to stop buying jerseys of a particular player? And don’t tell your children that you like him, either! Instead, tell your children how much you love and adore their father.
And that applies to Pinterest, too. I’m amazed how many married women keep pinning pictures of gorgeous actors or sports figures, often on boards titled something like “eye candy”. And yet I wonder how these women would feel if their husbands pinned pictures of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models? Our culture tells us this lie that it’s empowering for women to ogle guys, but wrong if men do it. It’s wrong if BOTH sexes do it, so let’s not give in or kid ourselves.
You should be your husband’s biggest fan, not the fan of someone else. It isn’t harmless, even if you’re never going to meet the person in real life. It makes your mind go in the wrong direction, and it tells your husband and your kids that you’re not truly committed to loving only him.
So let’s keep ourselves for our husbands only! That, after all, is what we signed up for.
UPDATE: I’ve changed this post from when it was originally written to include the part about Pinterest, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>I can't say that I've noticed too many women I know fantasizing about celebrities and athletes. I find that there's a whole lot of wishing our men were like someone else's husband, though.
>I agree with the previous commenter.
Most of my married friends seem to think that someone else's husband is way better than theirs, usually mine because I made the decision to only praise my husband in public and never complain about him (Not that my husband is perfect, only G-d is). I wish they would open their eyes and see the wonderful things about their own husbands and stop comparing, because you never see the whole picture of someone else's life.
>Muriel,
That's awesome that you haven't seen what I wrote about! I have to admit that I have lately, especially with the Stanley Cup playoffs heating up. But perhaps it's mostly with my non-Christian friends (though the woman who wrote me was talking specifically about church friends).
But I want to pick up on something you said: you wrote that you made it a habit to never say anything negative about your husband in public. That is wonderful! I think if more women took that strategy, we'd be a lot happier.
We tend to think about what we talk about, and if we talk about the negative, then we fixate on the negative. Talk about the good, and that's what we'll think about! Much healthier.
>I think it's very sad–especially since 99% of the time it's all about how this "star" looks because you don't actually know a darn thing about them. I find the "other husband" thing mentioned in other comments true and very destructive. Those men are not "out of reach" and it can wreck havoc…
We need to focus our time, effort, and emotions at home.
>I once subscribed to a blog I liked… married woman with children. Then I got so tired of, what seemed to me, an obsession with "Edward" from the Twilight series that I unsubscribed. I couldn't believe a grown, let alone married (!) woman would openly lust over a young actor like that seemingly with no shame. I have definitely seen what you're talking about here.
>Our pastor spoke out about the Twilight thing and pointed out that if middle-age men were behaving the same over young female actresses we would find it disgusting. There are several married women at my church that are "team edward" or "team jacob" but it has gone somewhat underground now.
There is a weatherman that if found hunky and I had to stop watching that news channel because I felt it was dishonoring to my husband. This is actually the first time I have mentioned anywhere it so it never got to my husband. I think it is probable that the weather guy got moved to a new station but since I rarely watch the news I don't know.
I do feel that we need to guard our minds and eyes just as much as we ask our men to do.
>Good points! This is the equivalent of P*rn for Women.
Imagine how much you would feel about your your husband watching closely and then verbally praising the way certain NFL cheerleaders look in their skimpy outfits.
It's essentially the same impact as your talking about other men.
Since you mention an upcoming post about the issue of men not desiring intimacy as much as women, you might appreciate a couple of my posts about this as you think about your entry: A glimpse into how a normal healthy man feels: Intimacy and Childbirth Or, about one possible intimacy-killer for men Tragic Evil Among Us .
>I get the feeling a lot of women want too much in their man, They want the perfect relationship in all areas, its unrealistic.
Wow! I totally agree with your article. I pinned it to my marriage and relationship board on Pinterest, a year ago, with this comment …”Our culture tells us this lie that it’s empowering for women to ogle guys, but wrong if men do it. It’s wrong if BOTH sexes do it, so let’s not give in or kid ourselves.” Let’s honor our husbands!! For those of you who are asking. Yes I have been married to the same man going on 31 years now. I am happily married and very much sexually fulfilled by my hubs.…just revisited and I am saddened by all of the responses written under this…none of which are women that I even know. …
I would love if you would visit my pin here and see all the comments that have been made. Not one woman wrote a comment in agreement.I would like to think that at least one woman would speak up and agree. I am so disappointed in women!!!!! Here is the pin: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/288089707384952505/