I have teenage daughters, and it is always a bit of a balancing act figuring out how to prepare them for possible danger, and how not to make them cynical and suspicious about everything.
Yet there is one area where I think parents are far too lenient when it comes to teen girls, and it’s in the area of baby-sitting. We grill our kids up and down when it comes to going to someone’s house for a party, but we often will let them baby-sit without really knowing anything about the family.
I was sent a blog post by a reader a while back who is trying to share her story with others in the hope that it can help some, and reading it again made me all the more aware that I need to be much more careful about who my children baby-sit for. I’ve only ever let them baby-sit for friends, but honestly, how do I know these friends really are safe?
When I baby-sat as a teen I was exposed to way more than I should have been. One mom told me all the details of her husband’s affairs, down to specific sexual acts she knew that he had committed (sexual acts I knew nothing about at the time). She saw me more as a confidant. Another family had porn everywhere. You would never have known it to look at them; they were a short, chubby couple that was very prim and proper. And it wasn’t Playboy magazines, either; it was pretty hard stuff. I ran away from it as fast as I could, but I certainly saw it. It was under every surface in the house, including the baby’s change table.
Here’s how my blog reader describes what led up to her eventual sexual abuse at the hands of a man she was baby-sitting for:
It was a Friday night in August 1984. I had put the baby down for the night and around 10pm or so, the door opened and in the husband came to the house. I was surprised that he came home from his trip early and he began to share with me that he never had a trip…he had planned this whole event out and had just come home from a bar to spend the night with me. (I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that…I would soon find out) He asked me to make us something to drink so I went to the kitchen to get 2 cups and some ice. He came into the kitchen and told me that I never gave him anything for his birthday…he turned 29. I asked him what he wanted, he said a kiss would do…I am uncomfortable at this point and not knowing what I should do. I kissed him on the cheek and thought that would be it…it wasn’t.
Two things stand out at me from her story. First, she talks about how she knew something was wrong before he actually raped her, but she didn’t leave. She obeyed what he told her to do.
This is quite normal; she was a young teen, and he was an adult man. We have to teach our girls that when they feel uncomfortable, they should leave. Give them a cell phone so they can immediately call mom. Lie about a sudden headache if they have to. But if they feel uncomfortable, it’s for a reason. They do not have to comply with what an adult says–even a female adult–if it seems somehow wrong.
In this situation, if it had happened in the cell phone era, and she had just said to the adult man, “I’m just going to text my mom and tell her you’re home and you want to have a drink with me,” it’s unlikely anything else would have happened. He would have known that he’d be found out. He would have known he couldn’t intimidate her. Cell phones can be big safety nets.
And we can’t expect our children to handle these things alone, without us. The problem with young teens is that sometimes they feel something’s wrong but they can’t explain WHY it’s wrong. They’re too naive and too confused. So if they get into a conversation with the guy about it, they’ll lose. So tell them, “don’t talk about it. If you feel uncomfortable, phone to leave and we’ll pick you up.”
The second thing that struck me is that, after it was obviously dangerous, she still didn’t run. She felt so ashamed and so scared she didn’t get out of there. Our kids need to know that we will NEVER be angry at them if they take steps to protect themselves. And no matter where they are, they should always ask themselves, “where would I go if I had to get out in a hurry?” I do this naturally now whenever I enter a new store, home, or building. I always plan an escape route. It doesn’t scare me anymore; it just has become natural, and I always do it. Teach your girls to do it, too. If you feel uncomfortable, or if you’re in danger, know how you’re going to get out before it becomes an issue.
We can’t protect our kids all the time, and baby-sitting is a good job for teenagers on the whole. But let’s remember that we never really know what goes on inside a house. Arm your kids with protection, in the form of cell phones, great advice, and warnings. Let them know they’re allowed to say no. And then just pray hard! It’s a scary world out there, but we can help make it a little safer!
Did you ever get in hot water when you baby-sat?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>Such a good post, Sheila!
When I first approached one of the babysitters we use (a teen from church), her mom asked me a series of questions. She was so kind about it, and said, really, we're both trying to do the same thing as moms — keep our kids safe!
She asked about alcohol in our home, pornography, and specifically asked that if her daughter needed a ride home, that I provide it rather than my husband. She didn't want to leave any room for her daughter to be hurt.
Honestly, this girl went to the top of my list for babysitters to call because I knew she had so much support from her parents!!
>It could have been a bad situation but thankfully wasn't. I was babysitting for a new single mom that I'd never met, so she could go out clubbing. The next door neighbor called and when he found out I was the babysitter, said to just step outside so I could say hi. I thought it was weird but whatever, and I went out on the porch. He and his buddies were drinking and thankfully they saw a skinny 13 year old with glasses and had no interest, but I figured out a few minutes later that they wanted to flirt with a cute girl. I was scared for the rest of the night that they'd come knock on the door.
I was in the same situation – babysitting for someone I didn't know, too naive to understand what they wanted, and certainly never thought of calling my mom.
>Love this post!! Another "job" that would benefit from this same mentality is "house cleaning". I cleaned a lot of houses in high school (as well as babysitting) and there were definitely issues and exposure.
Through all my years of babysitting I was pretty spared from incident. However, I only babysat for people my family knew well for the most part. One evening I remember a dad taking me home though and he was very sleepy and no doubt had been drinking. I remember feeling VERY uncomfortable and so thankful to be home again.
One family I cleaned for had a stack of porn magazines nearly two feet high in the bathroom that I was required to clean around. Not a good situation at all.
Thanks for bringing light and guidance to these issues, Sheila!
>Thanks, Sheila, for shedding light on an area of vulnerability that many can relate to.
What's additionally terrible about it is that the very same people who strive to make sure that their children are surrounded in safety could be the same ones who violate someone else's child without shame.
Add to that the fact that many pornographic clips have the theme of seduction of a babysitter (by both male and females) and you've got a recipe for disaster.
Years ago, I became a nanny for a well-liked couple. I lived in their house for numerous years and helped with their children.
The husband repeatedly raped me over the course of those years and did untold damage to my heart. The fact that I was young and didn't have anywhere else to go kept me stuck in a terrible situation.
And yet those in our church, and community would have taken his word over mine—they were, as you said in your writing, such a nice couple.
Thanks again for both sharing such great wisdom and providing others space to share.
xoxj
I am so sorry this happened to you.
>Wow, Juliet! That is just so unbelievably awful. My heart hurts for you, and for that wife, too (assuming she didn't know). What a horrible mess. Why do people DO these things? I will never truly understand that.
Llama Momma, you've convicted me that I have to ask more questions! My girls really only baby-sit for people that we know well from church, but you still can never know everything about another family. So I always send a cell phone with them.
Cherish, glad you were kept safe!
And Shelley, what is it with stacks of porn magazines? That really is gross.
>My daughter is only 4 however I know that I am preparing myself as read as much as can about the teenage years. In the meantime I also received great advice in how I should select and treat babysitters.
>We've had babysitters and our daughters have babysat.
We have set clear boundaries in our home. When we've had baby sitters, my husband was NEVER in the house w/our sitters alone (even w/the kids running around).
That is the same expectation that we have when our daughters go to babysit.
Same w/riding in the car with the husband. Absolutely NOT gonna happen.
There was a time that our, then 14 y/o, was practically a full time sitter for a homeschool family. They had a son that she watched during the day.
The husband's work schedule was sporadic. There was one time that he was at home when it was just my daughter there. She and I stayed on the phone with each other until he left.
One thing I'll say is, Don't be afraid to ask questions and set boundaries on both ends.
>Thank you so much for this post! My aunt was the first person who ever warned me about being careful about letting my daughter babysit. I babysat as a teen without incident, so it never occurred to me that something could go wrong.
This is a great warning for mothers, and I love your practical advice. Traveling to and from the home where a teen will babysit is also something that needs to be thought out carefully.
I'm sure your friend's story will help many. It's a terrible thing she endured, and it's very brave of her to share her story.
>I once babysat for a co-worker of my father's. He drove me home drunk. We were hitting cones on the side of the road. I was terrified. Of course I told my parents so I never went there again. Scary to think what might have happened.
>I agree wholeheartedly with your post! I would add, however, that these things can happen to male babysitters as well. With two sons, I preferred hiring young men who got along famously with my boys. Several young men from our church youth group babysat. They can be exposed as well to sexual abuse, pornography, liquor, guns, etc. I hope my sons will babysit when they are older as well. (I think they'll be better fathers someday for having done childcare.) We have to watch out for our children, period. Thanks so much for the reminder!
>Another thing to remember is that it isn't only men you have to worry about leaving your children alone with. My abuser was a female… It isn't as common, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. As Sheila says in her post, you need to prepare your child – have a plan, thoroughly interview the family, give the kids tools (cell phones, code words, etc.), let them know what to watch for and what to do when they see it. You can't see into anyone's heart and know what is there, but you can equip your child with some safeguards in case the worst happens.
>I too was exposed to too much as a young babysitter and am glad you've addressed this. I worry though about your faith in cell phones and think the girls need to be more discrete, say go to the bathroom and text mom, then say they did, not threaten to. I will never forget that story a few years back about the young woman who was kidnapped, raped and killed and it all started while she was talking on a cell phone.
>To the last anonymous, I know what you're saying, but I think in a baby-sitting situation, where the family knows that the baby-sitter's family knkows who they are, just knowing that the teen has texted mom is often enough to stop anything, because the secrecy is now gone. When it comes to abuse between people who know each other, it's the secrecy that lets the abuser get away with it. If the secrecy isn't there, then the abuser likely won't proceed.
That's why I would say, don't just go to the bathroom and text, text right then and there, or go to the bathroom and text, but then TELL them that you've texted. It's important that they know you're in contact with your mom.
And then to the other Anonymous, absolutely, boys are at risk, too! So be careful anytime you send your teens over to another house, even if you think the family is a good one. The truth is we just never really know.
Sheila,
I understand what you are trying to say, but you are assuming that the adult the teen babysitter is dealing with is rational. From the story you posted the girl explicitly said that the man in question had just come from a bar and had orchestrated this entire event on purpose. I have had the great misfortune to deal with drunks and licentious men my whole life. The girl was right to be afraid. If she threatened him he could have taken her phone and done serious harm to her. She should have excused herself to use the bathroom, a really good excuse would be that she had stomach/digestive problems, and called her mom or better yet 911 from there. I was like her as a young woman. I have taught my daughter to always stand up for herself even to adults if what they are doing is wrong, and that she can tell me anything. I told my parents when I was a very young girl I was being sexually abused by a male babysitter, and they treated me as if I was untrustworthy ever since, which is why I could never go to them when it happened to me again and again. It is only as an adult and through the grace of God that I have come to realize that it was not my fault.
>I babysat a lot as a teenager and still babysit a lot to this day.There were some fathers that made me feel uncomfortable and were coincidentally the ones who would drive me home so I would always say I was busy and they eventually stopped asking. I have a very good intuition so when I feel uncomfortable or think something isn't right I get myself out of the situations as quickly as possible. Luckily I never had any incidents for anyone I babysat for.It can be scary for a teenage girl though and I totally understand what it feels like to be in a situation where you just freeze and have no idea what to do as that happened to me one day when a man followed me from a store right to my car. I locked the doors and then froze not knowing what to do. It is indeed a very scary world out there for young girls and young women!
>To the last Anonymous,
I think most of us have good instincts–maybe not all, but most of us know when we feel uncomfortable. The problem is, as you said, that we often freeze instead of doing what we know we should do!
Ironically, people often get scared of the big cities, but I never felt safer than when I was walking in downtown Toronto. If I ever thought someone was following me, I knew to go into a store. It freaks me out a lot more walking in my suburban neighbourhood today, when there's nobody around!
>Yes I know how you feel! I personally live next to a man who makes me feel very very uncomfortable and I live in the country where all the houses are far apart and don't feel comfortable even being outside when my husband isn't home let alone walking down the road
>I just want to point out that there are times when the babysitter might abuse the children too. Dr. James Dobson advised never hiring a teenage boy to babysit your kids—even boys—because of the hormones and new feelings that are hard for them to control.
>Bobble, I hear you. I really do. But I hate making blanket statements like that, because I honestly know some teenage boys that I think would be great baby-sitters (my husband baby-sat a lot as a youngster, too). I think too often we assume girls will be good because they are girls, but if they spend the whole time on Facebook, or if they invite boyfriends over, they're just as dangerous.
As a rule I'd prefer a girl baby-sitter over a boy baby-sitter, but if I ran a youth group at church and really knew the kids, and I knew a particular boy well, I think I'd be okay with it. But it all comes from actually KNOWING who is in your house and praying a lot.
It is a good question, though. What do you think? Would you ever hire a male baby-sitter?
my best friend growing up was being molested {along with her little brother} by a female teenge babysitter . her mom hired the girl from church, where they were all active in youth ministry. my kids will NEVER be watched by a teenager, male or female.
I too was molested by two teem female babysitters who also exposed me to porn and at the same time emotionally abused me and to top it off told me there is no Santa Claus. I’ve healed from it, but wanted to bring it up because some girls can be mean and devious. Sinful behavior knows no gender. My husband and I rarely if ever had a babysitter, probably 2 or 3 times when they were young. Getting them “play dates” with their friends worked much better for us and as soon as they were old enough, they were allowed to stay home alone.
Sheila, my husband was a babysitter when he was a teenager (older teenager), but even knowing that he kept himself and his charges pure, he refuses to allow a male to babysit our children. Our oldest is 14. We have never allowed a teenager to babysit our children. Sometimes blanket statements and across-the-board decisions are the safest route. I would SOOOO rather prevent my children from an interesting experience or adventure than to expose them to risk–the kind of risk we’re talking about here. I don’t want to have anybody in my house (or my children in their house) where I end up feeling like I NEED to pray a lot.
>When my eldest was a new teen we allowed her to babysit for my husband's affluent brother. My one request was that they would allow us to pick her up if they had consumed any amount of alcohol that evening.
That one request caused a complete freak-out in my husband's entire family…and her babysitting job did not last. That was sad, as we were always told by others how great, professional, prepared, and sweet she was at her job…and my daughter was hurt to lose the good pay. But it was far too important to buckle to the ugly pressure when my child's safety and well-being was at stake.
>This is good advice! I always babysat as a teen and never had any bad experiences, but still. I see how it could've happened and I wouldn't have been prepared. This is smart thinking!
-FringeGirl
>Thanks Sheila for posting a portion of my story and getting the word out…I think it's so important that girls that are going to babysit are aware of things that can happen.
Unfortunately, even if I had a cell phone – my mom was NOT a hands on/caring mom…though it might have made things easier to just ask her to come and get me or even to have had the ability to text SOMEONE to let them know what was going on.
It's interesting how many of your readers picked up on not letting a man drive the girl home…my next post on my blog will be one of this sort of incident with the next people that I baby sat for. We have a rule in our household and I am ALWAYS in the car on the pick up or drop off of our babysitter. I know her family would trust us but even for my husband's safety…you never know when a he said/she said situation may arise and your husband may have to stand up against something he was accused of doing that he didn't do.
I value your friendship and thank you so much for helping me all that you have.
Totally agree. I didn’t even think about when I have babysitters for my own kids (I’m currently childless)…. I guess I will be on driving duty there, too. 🙂
>Thanks for sharing, Sheila. I was also taken advantage of by the dad of a girl I babysat. It didn't go "very far" – but far enough, and it messed me up for a long time afterward. I'm going to be very, very cautious when I start allowing my girls to babysit.
>My husband does drive our sitters home, but I always have the girls call their parent from our house to let the parent know that he and the sitter are on the way. Just a safeguard as to time.
However- he absolutely REFUSES to hand them the money for babysitting. He insists that I do it. He says its just "weird" for a man to hand money to a girl without a tangible reason-like paying for an item in a store.
I can assure you that girl is uncomfortable. No teenage girls are comfortable alone with older men like that. Do her a favor, please?
I’d firmly disagree with that one. I sat for several families as a teen, and was often driven home by the dad, sometimes because the mom had been drinking. It was an incredibly comfortable situation, where I had no worries about my own safety. Trust your kids’ judgement, and give them the tools to decide. They know when something is off.
>Thank you for the post. This is really interesting and I had never thought about it, not having had any incident as a babysitter myself. I am curious, would you take the same precautions when setting up a play date with your kids?
>So good to bring this into light. There are many situations that our children get into that we never think twice about.
Many a time, I'd babysit for a family who would come home after a night out, intoxicated. That alone could've been very problem some.
We need to do everything we can to protect our kids from danger.
>Karen,
I would be careful of playdates, though maybe for different reasons. We were always worried about what movies the kids would be watching while at other people's homes, and if they'd be supervised well enough.
Once kids get to be teenagers, we make it a rule that they don't go to a friend's house with just the dad and the friend there. It's not that we don't trust the dad; it's also so that the dad doesn't feel uncomfortable. When I'm not here, my girls don't have friends over, either, just so that my husband isn't put in an uncomfortable situation!
Such good truth Sheila! Damsel in Defense has come out with a new Proactive Parent Guide – “The Body Boundaries Edition” and they cover information and scenarios along with questions to ask concerning these exact things you are discussing. It’s our hope that EVERY house in America has these Proactive Parent Guides and the accompanying books for kids on how to handle Tricky situations…similar to mine that you shared above. Anyone interested is welcome to check them out at http://www.mydamselpro.net/kritter or email me at [email protected]
>Great reminder, SHeila.
I never had a problem when I was babysitting, and my teenager hasn't yet either. We have a rule that either the mum drives her home, or I go and pick her up. No dads driving her home. Ever. Even though they are all friends etc, like you said, it is as also about protecting their reputation. We state that up front when she starts with a new babysitting family, and if they aren't happy with it, then she doesn't do the job.
I also like the comment about the dad not handing over the money. It does feel weird! Not sure if that is something I can control, but it is worth keeping in mind.
siminoz
>I was exposed to romance novels at my babysitting gigs, and at a few homes there were pornographic magazines tucked under the Ladies magazines. I was not strong enough to resist looking, or reading. I never got hooked on porn, it was actually too intimidating in a variety of ways to me. I did become addicted to the fantasy world of romance novels. It was forbidden fruit, because my home had only the encyclopedia and classics!
>Sheila, great post. Thank you so much for the reminder.
>Wow. Alot of comments.
I think it's got to go beyond just "controls" of who's driving, paying, home alone, etc. Yes, those are great controls.
However, my stepdad was abusive with my mom home or in the other room – on sleep overs with friends, etc. You never knew.
As moms, we need to teach our daughters how to say "NO" boldly and with authority. To believe that they shouldn't be looked down on because they are young. She need to know that no matter what, her parents will listen to her, believe her and protect her if she is EVER in that situation! (without getting angry & anxious)
I have talked with so many young girls and most of them are actually afraid to tell their parents because their parents might "freak out." They say that parents aren't goo listeners. When the girls opens up to them, the parents start the questions which gives the child the perception that they are not trusted.
At a very young age we need to demonstrate that we listen to our girls, respect and believe them. If not, by the time they are 12, they won't open up to mom much anymore.
I taught my children early to put up their hand and say "stop in the name of Jesus!" Then get out of there.
Great post Sheila.
>I babysat for 2 families (the parents were siblings) who practically encouraged me to watch the porn channel on TV. "Our kids aren't allowed to watch channel such-and-such but you can watch whatever you want (wink, wink) after they go to bed. Seriously?! Now that I am a parent I am just horrified!
>The main issue I was confronted with time after time was needing a ride home at the end of the night and, often, the husband had been drinking. I always wished my own dad could have picked me up instead but I never said anything.
>The only two families I sat for: 1, the dad drove me home while drinking alcohol in his coffee cup; 2, the married lady told me about falling in love with her boss. She suggested to watch my first rated r movie too. Her husband later told someone he "wished I was a few years older." my mom interviewed both ("Christian") families before I worked for them. I was too afraid to speak up nor did I ever tell my mom bc I thought she'd be mad. Thank the Lord for his protection.
As a teen, I babysat for other families on my 20-house street, and out of the 4 families I worked for, 2 had utterly creepy fathers. No grown man should look at a 12 year old girl like that. Ugh. Thankfully I was close enough to home to just jog across the street, and I was very aware and very paranoid as a kid, so I’d get the heck outta the house as soon as the dads showed up.
Wow, Katie! So glad you stayed safe.
Wow! I never encountered any issues when I was babysitting, and I did it extensively throughout my teen years. I guess I got lucky with some great families. This is a good reminder, though, for when my own daughter babysits one day!
Like another commenter, I was once driven home by a dad who had been drinking. It was uncomfortable on a number of levels, and for them, too – I had been sitting for them for a while and just never got called again.
While I agree that cell phones are a great idea and safety net, I have to say that in a situation that might turn VIOLENT, I’d rather my daughter lie than say something like “I’m going to tell my mom you want to have a drink with me,” which could come off as confrontational and turn nasty very quickly.
I like the idea of having a previously agreed-upon code to text message, as well as an established escape plan from EVERY home where my daughter could be, regardless of how well we know the family — and unless she is driving, I’d prefer to pick her up myself.
I agree that I wouldn’t want my daughter to say something about texting home. I’d tell her to say “Okay, I just need to use the bathroom first” and then LOCK the door and text me from there and DO NOT come out until she hears the doorbell.
Sheryll, good idea! And hey, at least we’re starting to make some plans about this, right? The more we think about it and communicate with our daughters (and sons), the better!
I had the same sort of situation in the 70’s. The couple came home drunk at 3pm and he drove me home. He pulled over to ask if I wanted my money and his meaning was clear. I said no, went for the handle of the door and he pulled away and brought me home. I didn’t tell my parents, but did tell a friend and neighbour who also babysat. She had a worse experience and never told either. Why, oh, why were we not better equipped? And why do girls still feel shame in things that are not of their making and not call authorities.
It struck me as odd that no one ever mentioned reading the works of Gavin DeBecker. The Gift of Fear, as well as Protecting the Gift. It’s indispensable safety awareness information for kids of babysitting age as well as adults, mostly women, though.
I babysat all the time as a teen. I even had a Babysitters Club (inspired by the books of course) and I never had any problems. In fact, it never dawned on me until reading this post and the comments how dangerous babysitting can be.
On the other hand though, I think it’s problematic to teach young girls that every man is out there to molest them. Yes there are sexual predators but I would hope that the majority of women you hang out with (and presumably allow your daughters to babysit for) aren’t married to creeper husbands.
It seems in all of our caution, we’ve forgotten how hurtful it can be to automatically profile innocent men as child predators just because they are men. We’re so flippant about it but it’s not right. I understand wanting to protect your daughters but all men arent bad and all women arent good. That’s promoting blind fear.
My husband would never look twice at a 12 year old yet we’re all supposed to assume that all men are helpless predators out to rape young girls. That’s terrible.
All men are NOT predators or porn addicts….but all men (yes, women too) ARE subject to temptation. We’re not profiling men so much as risky situations where even a man of integrity could fall (driving a young girl home alone, etc). When my husband was a teacher, he would not even so much as talk to a girl in his own classroom alone. He would always step outside, and made it clear to both his students and fellow teachers what his boundaries were. These were boundaries he created for his own integrity and the integrity of his students: so that not a whisper of accusation could be grounded. There was once a whisper of accusation (from an already troubled student) and because of his “no-exception-to-the-rule” behavior in the past, the whisper directly died away (squashed with great fervor by his other students!) I for one, even as a married woman, maintain the same boundaries around men as I am teaching my daughters: of course not all men are bad! but I keep my distance so that I am not the cause of distress either in them or myself. Lines are so EASILY crossed!!!! A bit of distance is all it takes to keep those lines from being crossed.
I had a bad experience at 15 with a family I babysat for, they were like a second family to me and I spent a lot of time there. The wife told me every detail of her sex life and an affair she was having. I also babysat for the family of the man she was having an affair with! It was really awkward when they went out on double dates with their unsuspecting spouses and I watched all the kids…
The husband of the first couple also made many weird comments toward me when he would drive me home, always telling me how beautiful I was etc. He was 30, I was 15. Once when his wife was out and I was babysitting the kids he came home first, the kids were in bed and I was laying on the couch watch a movie, he got on top of me (and I was so terrified I froze!) and he acted like he was just tickling me. His hands slowly crept up my shirt, THANK GOD his daughter came in the room (before his hands went too far) and he jumped off of me!! The last straw was when he drove me home once and told me he wanted to give me something for Christmas that was just from him but “it was illegal”. I jumped out of the truck, ran in my house and called his wife. She never thought much of it, and that was about the time I stopped babysitting for them because it was just too awkward. Unfortunately, not long after that he began molesting their daughter. 🙁
My heart broke reading this, Leah. That is horrifying in so many ways. I am so glad you escaped further abuse by his hands. I pray for you and his daughter – that healing is present.
I never had an issue, but I didn’t babysit much and puberty wasn’t kind to me, so I wasn’t very attractive. Plus, I had family in law enforcement. However, we did have an issue with our babysitter. Hubby started getting too cozy with her. I told her mother and we agreed she could not babysit when hubby was in town and she was no longer allowed to accompany us away from home. Not her fault, of course, but to protect her and hubby. Her mother and i agreed that it didn’t seem sexually driven. We are very close and her daughter’s are like little sisters to.us, but he was using her to fill an emotional/ego void as he was distancing himself in our marriage. Healing and change has occurred, but I did lose of my best sitters and at a time I needed her. Why can’t grown people behave like mature, caring, responsible adults, especially Christians!
That’s so hard. It sounds like you handled it really well. I’m glad that God is bringing healing to your marriage!
I think we absolutely need to be careful to teach our kids well, to screen the homes they go to well, and to always be ready to step in. I don’t like to be busy or away from home when my kids are out babysitting just in case they need me. I also want the ability to call the home and talk to my daughter as she’s babysitting… at any point in her time there. I don’t always call, but I can.
I never had a problem as a child, and neither have my girls. We had a scary (although it was totally fine, nothing happened) incident with one sitter we had, it just reinforced how careful we have to be. A boy sitter (who was a stand-in for his sister who got the stomach flu last minute) was manipulated by our daughter so she wouldn’t have to go to bed… but we realized we would never have a boy babysitter again… to protect him and our kids.
It seems, though, that most of these comments are from those who have had trouble. There are some who haven’t, obviously, but I think we have to realize that although trouble is a possibility it isn’t for the majority of babysitters. It is more likely that people who have had trouble comment on a post like this because it strikes a chord with them. But I know lots, and lots, of girls for whom babysitting has been an amazing experience… both for money-making and for choosing a future career.
I think if the people your child babysits for know you can show up at any time, call at any time and that they can call/text anytime it will make things less “safe” for any perpetrator. And then, parents… DO show up and call once in a while to communicate the fact that you are involved and there WILL BE NO SECRETS!
Carla Anne, I’d agree. My oldest daughter baby-sat a lot, and she loved the money (not necessarily the baby-sitting, but she was good at it). We just made sure that she didn’t baby-sit for complete strangers, and that the parents knew exactly what you said–we could show up at any time. Often my husband would transport her, too, so that she wasn’t riding back home with the dad.
Wow such a good point to remember… i moved to a different country when i got married and when i had my daughter i felt like so crazy paranoid at letting anybody babysit her, because there is simply no one i know well enough to trust in this way. Even with my mother in law i feel uncomfortable at times because she is from a cultural totally different background than me. So that safe-feeling i knew from within my own cultural boundaries is not there. but i do trust her because i know that she loves her grandchildren.
I think that the issue is ever increasing, as flirting and sexual ‘play’ as well as softporn exposure in teenagers is getting more and more normal…. thanks to the internet and social media! I believe as believers we must absolutely stay clear on a no-flirty attitude in order for girls and boys to keep pure and to keep that fear-safeguard intact. If you’re used to flirting touching and whatever sexual ‘harmless’ playing around than a dangerous situation may not occur to you as dangerous until it’s too late to run. If one reads the statistics on abuse and considers how many cases are not reported because most girls and women don’t speak out…. it’s scary! We ought to pray more and also to pray after all interviewing and teaching them tools to receive peace from the holy spirit in whether to let them take a specific babysitter job or not.
I’ve only ever babysat completely alone once, usually i watched my younger cousins while my uncle (who is my mother’s sister’s husband so we aren’t blood related) was in his bedroom watching TV. Once when i was babysitting and my cousins had both fallen asleep for the night my uncle had been drinking and began to say things that made me uncomfortable but my aunt soon came home and i dismissed it. His behavior continued however the next time i babysat. When I was doing the dishes and my cousins where again asleep he came up behind me and made his intentions very clear. He never got too far but it scared me witless. I lived with this uncle and aunt for nearly two years from age 14-16 when this kept occurring, i lived there because my parents where both addicts. Even though it didn’t go far it’s had lasting damage. I don’t feel safe anywhere, not even in my own home. I never told anyone because i knew what it would do to my family as a whole if it was known what my uncle had done. I didn’t and still don’t want to risk my family falling apart because of it.
I baby-sat some when I was a teenager, but the families always brought their kids to my families house and they picked them up. I never had rides with people I didn’t know and my parents were at home while I was baby-sitting.
My sister had that happen to her when she babysat for my mother’s sister back in the 70’s. My creepy uncle by marriage came on to her. My parents were NOT sympathetic and blamed his wife for being too cold to him, like she caused it! My sister felt so ashamed, even though it was absolutely not her fault. I never felt comfortable in a home or work alone with a man after that. I knew my parents would blame me if something happened. You have to be an advocate for your kids and not look for someone else to blame other than the perpetrator. I agree that it is problematic to leave a young teen alone with a grown man.Very uncomfortable. I worry about my nieces babysitting, as they may be subject to the same naivety and dysfuinction having come from our type of home life (not believing the kids–adults are always right).
As a teen, I have set a lot of boundaries for myself in this area. When I would stay (and if I do stay) at a friend’s house, I was very careful about the PJs I wore. I never ride alone with guys in a car (even if there’s more than one guy in the car. Three 180 lb guys can take on a 110 lb girl pretty well.) When I would stay over at a particular friend’s house, her mom would send their son to the grandparents’ house, or his friend’s house. I always respected her for that. My other friend (who’s mom didn’t send their son away) would try to watch us change. And he would make advances about how beautiful I was. As far as babysitting, I only babysit for a couple close friends. I have always had a lot of guy-friends. I trust them all, but I never let them drive me, tried to not be alone in a room with them (I’ll explain what happened when we were alone in a bit), and was always careful of how I moved, etc. I’m not spazzing, I just love my friends, and don’t want to cause them to stumble.
Now, I had a friend (that was a guy) who thought of me as a little more than a friend, and I’m afraid I felt the same way. He was a little over 2 years older than me (As stupid as it sounds, he didn’t know how old I was.) Whenever we were alone together (or when no adults were around) we always seemed to flirt like crazy, and he constantly had his hands on me. Never terribly inappropriately, but enough that I didn’t tell a soul. For me, it was great, because he was older than me. You know how that goes… “HE likes ME? Wow!” Yeah. For him it was great, because 1) I liked him and didn’t want him to stop liking me, and 2) I was too naive and scared to tell him to stop. As far as it ever got was touching my hips. I FROZE! He tried to hug me several times, but I was scared to death that my parents (as well as his) would kill me. Though they probably wouldn’t have, I was too young to be hugging on boys. If I didn’t set these boundaries, I think it would have went farther. Not “all the way,” or even close, but a 13 y/o shouldn’t be kissing on a 16 y/o (or anyone for that matter).
Forgive me if that was completely irrelevant, but I just thought I’d share my personal “rules” and how they worked for me 🙂
And also me being 17, the guys my age are full if hormones, so we have to be especially careful not to help put them in bad situations. Also, being young, as gross as it is, older men will find girls this age more attractive than their wives (not all of them, of course) which may be part of the reason so many attacks are on babysitters.
My girlfriend (shes in her 40’s) told me the other day that when she was 12 she filled in babysitting for a friend that couldn’t take the job. She said that when she got there the dad stayed in the basement and the baby was asleep upstairs. After a while the dad came up and put some porn on the TV. At some point he got a camera and brought a top for her to change into right there in front of him. She said she was so scared that she thought he was going to kill her so she just did what he said. After the photo taking session (hours) he drove her back home. She said when they got to her house he told her that if she ever told anyone that he would come back and kill her entire family. She didn’t tell anyone for months. When she did tell her mother I’m not sure what took place but they never pursued any action against him. I know this was a long time ago but I feel like trying to find this person. He has probably done this before and since her. I feel so bad for her. It makes me sick. He would’ve lived somewhere around Marietta Georgia back in 1984.
That is awful! If you could find him, I definitely would, because you’re right–he’s probably done it to others. And often the police don’t have enough to charge him. If they have her story, too, they can often use it, even if they can’t file on those charges. How disgusting!
You know the thing about a husband not ever being able to drive a sitter home is borderline insulting. We are just giving into the culture’s belief that men and women can only relate to each other as sex objects. This is a major part of our pornified society but it doesn’t HAVE to be that way. We are also teaching girls that they can not expect Christian men to have self control which will be great (not) for their marriages one day. If their is any question about a husband’s ability to control himself during a 10 minute car ride (really setting the bar low here!) then don’t babysit for that family. If there is any question about a girl making stuff up then don’t have that girl babysit. If the families are carefully selected, and likewise the sitters are carefully selected, and cell phones are used and the sitter can let her family know when she is on her way–I think that is fine for many situations. Of course if the girl is uncomfortable then that is different. But adults don’t need to add anxiety where there should be none. the overall trend of conveying that a male sex organ near a female =immediate danger and a complete lack of self control should be at least re-considered among mature Christians.
To the gal above, it’s not about a lack of self control. We have two nannies who we love and value. My husband is a respected member of our church and works at our church. He is a devoted husband and father but we employ the rule that neither of us are alone with a member of the opposite sex! I would not drive a male babysitter home in the same situation. The bible clearly talks about avoiding the appearance of evil as well as sin itself. By employing our rule, we both protect ourselves from any mis understanding as well as any actual situation. We love our nannies and our daughters too much to place them or us in a compromising situation. We value our marriage too much. When I was a nanny, one of the families I nannied for for years, we later found out the husband had a collection of child porn and had hidden cameras in their home and at his office bathrooms to watch young women. I mercifully was not on those tapes but many of my friends were. You cannot be too careful.