I write a lot about marriages. I want to save marriages. That’s why I’m writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex–to try to help get marriages off to a good start!

But I’m quite aware that many of my readers would love to save their marriage–but their spouse doesn’t seem to see it the same way.

I’ve received two heartbreaking emails this week, and heard the story of a close friend who is going through a rough time, too, and it made me think I need to say something to those women, too. So here we go.

If you want to save your marriage:

1. Remember, just because it’s awful now doesn’t mean it always will be.

Of people who rated their marriages as a 7 or 8 on a 1-8 scale, with 8 being lousy, 78% rated it as a 1 or 2 5 years later. Things often do get better! Just because your marriage is in the toilet does not necessarily mean it’s time to flush it.

2. Get some mentors

But what if you’ve been waiting and it’s not improving? Surround yourself with a great Christian body. Find one or two great mentors or counselors to tell the whole story to who can give you wise counsel. I knew one woman who was sure her husband was being verbally abusive to their daughter. He wasn’t. He was just stricter than she was (she didn’t believe in limits). She needed someone outside to show her that.

At the same time, sometimes drastic action is necessary. Find a good Christian mentor to help you.

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3. Get a hold of Leslie Vernick’s The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

Written for those whose are feel their spouse is breaking their spirit and that something needs to change, this book is about helping you reclaim your voice and initiate positive change while assuring you that God sees you in your struggle. Pretty much anything by Leslie is good, honestly.