A little while ago I started a firestorm when I wrote about planning my daughter’s future–and how we should consider a career choice that would make deciding to be a stay at home mom easier–if that was the preference.
It made me think back to my own decision to stay at home with my kids, which was definitely NOT something I thought I would be doing. And then I read this article called “Why I’m at Home” by an educated woman whose journey sounds identical to mine. Heather Koerner writes,
I’m sure it started in my own day care experience. After attending a group day care for much of my childhood, I took different jobs during my college breaks as a child care worker and nanny. Though most of my co-workers were nice, sweet ladies who tried to make the day pleasant for kids, I still began to see that there was something unique and special about a parent’s love that a child care worker could never duplicate. Even with my one-on-one time as a nanny, I saw that, as much as I cared about my job, it was still that — a job.
But what about me, I would wonder. I’m a well-adjusted, productive member of society and I came through day care just fine. What’s the problem?
I thought about that — hard. Then the answer came to me in three little words: in spite of. Day care had not made my childhood happy. My childhood was happy in spite of my time in day care. It was my parents’ individual attention each night and on weekends that helped me to thrive. It wasn’t that the days were always bad, but that my parents’ love was always best.
I started to ask myself the hard questions: Who is going to raise my child someday? Will the nights and weekends be enough?
Her whole article is really worth reading, but I thought I’d take her example and tell you all my journey.
My earliest memories are of lying on a cot in a day care, with a teacher rubbing my back.
I loved that teacher. I was scared of everyone else (even the other kids), but that teacher (I believe she was an immigrant from Romania who didn’t speak much English) loved me and I loved her. She was the only good thing about day care. I remember crying until she would hold my hand. I remember hiding in corners. I remember being forced to eat cheese (I HATE cheese).
I was in day care because my father had left us and my mother had to work. She had looked into becoming a foster parent to see if that could give us enough money so she could stay home, and it didn’t. So she hated to leave me behind, and she marched off to work.
I grew up with a single, professional mother who worked hard to provide. The rest of my relatives (most of whom are women; we don’t do boys in my family) also are very well educated, most with at least a Master’s degree. My aunt had worked part time as a doctor, with a nanny the other half of the time. My role models were not stay at home moms.
So I always assumed I would be a professor.
I would work part-time, write amazing research papers, and still have summers off and time with the kids.
I pursued higher education, and did well. I earned scholarships. I kept wracking up degrees (I have three). We married in our fourth year of university, because we knew there was no point in waiting to marry; we both would be in school for years. And I was earning enough money in graduate scholarships and research positions that we didn’t really need to wait.
My husband was from a blue collar family. His mom had stayed home, and that was all he knew. I always felt sorry for her that she didn’t have more opportunities (I thought of her as a “stay at home mom” then, as a category, not really as the mom I know now). I was enlightened. I could take on the world, and the kids would fit right in!
Keith wasn’t so sure, but he held back his reservations because how can you argue against a woman working? That would be sexist.
And so it was that I started applying for Ph.D. positions in Toronto, where Keith would be doing his residency in pediatrics. I won another scholarship. I was on the right track.
Then one day I had to deliver a presentation to my Master’s class about a certain sociologist. I couldn’t understand a word this guy was talking about. It was all so vague, and airy fairy, and convoluted, but I had to present it, so I did the best I could.
At the end of the presentation everyone applauded. I got 100%. The professor said that was the best he’d ever seen; that I just made Baudrillard come to life and explained him so well.
AND I STILL HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT.
Excuse the term, but there is no other adequate substitute: I had BS’ed my way through. And everyone thought it was great.
It became clear to me that the professor didn’t know what this guy was talking about, either (even though the professor was a specialist in this particular guy). And I thought to myself: do I really want to spend my life in academia, pretending the whole time?
Five minutes after that presentation I called Keith and said, “let’s get pregnant instead.”
And so ended my academic career–and began my decision to be a stay at home mom.
We did get pregnant, and we moved to Toronto. I was so sick when pregnant with Rebecca. Have you ever just prayed to throw up? I prayed that prayer straight for nine months and I never did. With Katie I could throw up like clockwork, every morning at 8:30, and felt so much better. It is way worse to not throw up than to throw up.
But in the meantime, even though I had decided to have kids and I had decided not to pursue a Ph.D., I hadn’t really decided anything else. My future was still open.
And in Toronto, I had a job working with a consultant company doing their graphic design and databases. It paid fairly well, but it was a half hour subway ride away.
After doing this for three months (during which I had become indispensable), I sat on the subway one morning, praying not to puke before I got off (at which point I would begin the prayer again that I would indeed puke), and I asked myself, “why am I doing this? Why am I going on a subway an hour a day when I feel horrible?” We didn’t really need the money. And I felt lousy.
So I quit. And was promptly hired to work from home by the same company, which I did for the next five years, off an on, just on little projects.
Then Rebecca was born, and I started going out to parks with her, and playing with her, and having a grand old time. And I realized, I don’t want to go to work. I want to stay right where I am.
Deciding to be a stay at home mom was a gradual process.
It wasn’t something I ever thought I’d do. I was following the path I was told I should follow: I was getting an education, I was working, I was making something of myself. And even though it was silly, I never questioned it until a breaking point came, and then I realized, “I don’t have to do this. No one is making me do this except for me.”
My two girls when they were small.
So we decided not to buy a car. We didn’t buy a house. We shopped at thrift stores and didn’t go out to eat very much. We saved as much as we could, and then we moved to a cheaper city, where Keith’s family was, as soon as we could get out of Toronto. His classmates were buying homes and cars and everything expensive, and we were living in a small apartment. But we had a great time, and the lack of money didn’t really bother us at all.
I would occasionally chat with his female colleagues about the problems they were having with their nannies, who didn’t like to stay after 6, and who didn’t like to do housework. Why couldn’t these women mop the floors and care for the kids and get dinner ready? Was that too much to ask?
And I would listen and wonder what planet they were on, because I didn’t have time to do most of that, either. I spent a lot of the time out with my kids, because the apartment was small. She was asking the nanny to stop playing with the kids and clean the house all day. And then I just stopped listening.
I’m like Heather, who wrote that first article.
I’m okay in spite of the day care, not because of it.
But I don’t want my kids to grow up and be okay in spite of anything. I want to give them the best, and the best is me. They need their mom.
I know some women will make different choices, but I guess my question is this: are they really your choices?
I never really understood that deciding to stay at home with your kids was a valid choice.
I never even really made it; I drifted into it, little by little. It was only in retrospect that I am passionate about it. I did what I was supposed to do, and didn’t think twice about it. Is that really a choice?
When women sign up for a postgraduate degree, are they making a true choice for themselves, or are they doing what is expected of them? When they go back to work after the baby comes, is it a true choice, or have they never really thought that maybe there is an alternative?
It sounds silly, but I never saw the alternative. I always thought I’d get a Ph.D. because that’s what you’re supposed to do. So I’d encourage young women everywhere: MAKE A CHOICE. A real choice. Recognize that you could honestly do either: you could have a career, or you could stay at home. They both are legitimate. (I know some Christians argue the career isn’t, but just let that go for a minute for the sake of argument).
They are not both presented as legitimate in our education system or in many of our families. Instead, it’s assumed that women will work, will make a ton of money, will make a name for themselves. And thus, staying at home isn’t really a choice.
But it is. It is your life. What do you want to do with it? Or more importantly, what is God calling you to do with it? Wrestle it out. I’m not going to tell you what to do, because I believe God can do that when you go to Him.
All I’m going to say is that you have permission to make a choice.
You do not HAVE to pursue a career. You do not HAVE to pursue a ton of education. You can choose, either way, to go the way that God wants you to go.
Are you open to leaving it in His hands, and maybe bucking the tide? I hope you are. It was so freeing once I said, I can make my own path in my life. And I’m so glad I did.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
>My mother stayed at home with us until I, the youngest, was nine and we could be latchkey kids. It was lonely and I needed her still. Even with that experience under my belt I just assumed I'd work. Everybody works, right?
My husband felt otherwise. He insisted on my going to part-time before our first pregnancy to try it out. Then when the baby came and I cried every time I had to leave him with someone, he suggested moving to a cheaper place where staying home full-time was a real possibility.
I never looked back. I'm so happy my husband knew me well enough to know that I'd be most fulfilled raising my children and staying home. I am so glad he was committed and I was open to listening.
>My mom dropped out of college (after 2-1/2 years) when she had me. She stayed home with us and took care of other children in addition to her own three. By the time I was in high school, I became aware of the sacrifices she had made for us. She had the three of us, ages 10-15, and as many as 5 others, ages 1, 2, 3, 5, and 8. She loved us tremendously (and still does, of course), and she loved those other children, too. But I listened when she told me that, as much as she loved them, she just wasn't their mother. She could never love them like she loved us.
When we were old enough, she took a class here and there – taking us along with her if she had to. But she waited until her youngest was in high school and the other children had moved on before she went back to college full-time and finally earned her bachelor's degree – with my children cheering for her, too.
I always knew I would stay at home with my children, thanks to my mom. Financially, it's a struggle. We earned/bought our first house from Habitat for Humanity over 10 years into our marriage. We still have only one vehicle. But I wouldn't trade this time for anything. I won't have the chance to ever get these years back. And I know without a doubt that I will never regret being here. The other stuff can wait. My girls will only be young once, for such a short time, and I am so blessed and thankful to spend that short time with them.
>My mom stayed home with us, full time, until my dad's factory (the single largest employer in our town) went on strike. For several months. With several hundred unskilled workers suddenly looking for jobs, things were crazy. My dad was one of the "lucky ones" because – as an electrician – he had a trade. But even at that things were difficult. He commuted 2 1/2 hours to a job at a shipyard that would've thrown OSHA into conniptions, he set chokers for a logging outfit, and I don't remember what else. And we still weren't making it.
(I know that isn't really germaine, but I feel like defending my dad! He really tried hard to find enough work!)
At the time, I was in Grade 7 with a sister in Grade 5 and a brother in Grade 3. My mom, (trained as a Speech Therapist, or SLP in today's lingo), was able to get work as a substitute teacher.
That's ideal, right? She could turn down work if one of us was sick, and she worked roughly the same hours we were in school anyway. And at 12, 10, and 8, we were old enough to be home unsupervised for 30 minutes or so after school, until she arrived.
But we still hated it. It wasn't a matter of being frightened or unsafe, we just wanted her there when we got home. Even as a 12 year old (I got home first) I remember being disappointed when she wasn't there. I'm not faulting her, just telling how I felt about it. My parents did the best they could in a very difficult time.
I want my boys to have that security that I am there – physically present – for them. That they are more important than stuff and vacations and cars, etc. With the economy, lately, it's getting more and more difficult. Praying we can keep this up,
Julie
>You knew you were going to hear from me….I think what you (and so many other women) omit is in addition to the xyz reasons of why you stay home is that you could do it financially. Even if it would be tight, you could do it.
I work because I love my children. And I trust the Lord that they will grow up right, not "in spite of" something, but because they know their parents love them.
Nurse Bee
Thank you so much Nurse Bee. I am a working Mommy. I have three children ranging in age from 12-16. It has always been a dream of mine to stay at home full time. It has not worked out that way. My husband and I had tried shopping at Thrift stores, eating out only occasionally (we still do) and until I “had” to go back to work we had only one car. We don’t own our home and rarely ever vacation. My children grew up going to daycare, as little as possible when we could help it but for financial reasons and the recession me staying at home was not an option. We love the Lord, we pray as a family, devote alot of our family time getting involved at church and all would love it if Mom could be at home. It is just not in the Lord’s plan for us right now. I support full time homemakers as I see the awesome benefits that come from Mom being at home. I just wish more stay at home Moms realized many of us do not have a choice. We can pinch pennies as much as our neighbors but if you can’t feed your family it just isn’t possible.
>i have a two year old and an 11 year old stepdaughter and we are finally making a way for me to stay at home. our disposable income is going WAAAAY down, but we are learning to trust the Lord in this decision. And it's time; it's where my heart has been for a long time already . . .
Beth
>I was asked one day, by a new neighbor, back when our girls were only 2 1/2 and a newborn, why I was staying home? I simply told this young mother that my husband and I believed God gave these children to us to raise and no one else. It was like a light bulb came on in her head, she had never thought outside the box before then(she said later), and from that moment on, she set out on a plan to be able to be home with her children. She went from career Mom to SAHM.
I'm so thankful that God led my husband and I in this direction, we have blessed beyond measure by following His will for our family! I know others will too, if they follow God's will for theirs.
>This is so heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time.
I know not everyone is able to be home even though they may want to be (like your mom, Sheila). I try to remember this on the days that being a stay-at-home mom feels hard: Being home is a gift.
We waited eight years to have children, and never relied on my salary to live on, so it was an easy transition "home" when the twins were born. Since I was a little girl, I have wanted to be a mom. And while I've taken a few part-time gigs during different seasons (my husband's unemployment), I couldn't wait to quit and be home full-time again. Obviously, when you need to buy groceries, you take the job. But I kept asking the Lord to please let me be home full-time again. And here I am.
Grateful. 🙂
>I, personally, grew up in a daycare. It didn't start off that way, but when my grandma died (she was the one who took care of me while my brother was at school and parents were at work) it was the only option. And while you say that kids or adults who have grown up in daycare are fine today "in spite of it," I would like to say that I'm fine because of it.
When my grandma died and we came across this home-based daycare that was lead by a Christian woman and was very close to our house, I absolutely loved it. I got to spend all day with other kids and go on fun outings…. what's not to love about that for a 5-year-old? But that daycare was also the place that I met one of my best friends. We met 14 1/2 years ago (15 years this summer), and I am so incredibly blessed to have her in my life. She has helped me through so much that I couldn't have gotten through without having a friend to talk to.
I also like to say I'm "okay" because of daycare because my parents were able to put both my brother and me through a private, Christian school kindergarten-12th grade because they both worked. Had they not both been working, I would have ended up in the public school system (which, as we all know, isn't the greatest these days). These may not seem linked, but if both of my parents weren't working they wouldn't have been able to afford schooling for us.
Don't get me wrong, I have such a respect for stay at home moms. I honestly think they have one of the hardest "jobs," especially when the kids are really young and run all over the place. I don't see myself doing that personally once I get married and have kids, mostly because I've seen the financial strain that can be there even with two incomes. But whatever the Lord has in store for me is what will happen, and I can only anticipate to follow His will for my life.
>Just the affirmation I needed today Sheila!
I recently "officially" withdrew from college after having our 4th baby. A woman I know in the same field received her degree this week and posted on FB. She has 3 kids under 5 and is due in May. I felt awful reading it. Like I was a loser for giving up.
But I love my kids. Daycare was awful when I was a child. I worked in it as an adult and saw how awful it is now. No one lives a child like a parent, especially mom.
We go without a lot of things because I am home. I never thought I'd be home either. Everyone works, right?
I know this is what God wants for me. He has been nudging me here for years (and I've been home for almost 5 years all the while taking classes and apprenticing to get my degree). I finally gave in and it couldn't be a better decision.
I know my kids. I am with them. They know I will always be here for them. That matters the most.
>Hahaha! "Excuse the term, but there is no other adequate substitute: I had BS'ed my way through. And everyone thought it was great… And I thought to myself: do I really want to spend my life in academia, pretending the whole time?" 🙂
I've committed to writing a paper that I didn't really want to but got pressured because the publishers wanted something from a developing country. Now, I struggle with researching and presenting arguments that I don't really care about. Sigh! Since I'd like to be true to my commitments, 'even when it hurts,' I'm relying on God's grace to do this. But I'd be sure not to get pressured again for any other future requests!
On another note: My mom pursued an academic career but was mostly available after school hours because her flexible hours. She committed to full time faculty/administrative work when we (the children) got older.
LA
>Oh Sheila…you have no idea how much I needed to see this today!
>Love this post Sheila. I was fortunate to come across it when you mentioned it in a comment you left on Dustin's blog.
Anyway, wisely put. Thank you for being so candid, which I think resonates so much for so many people.
I've done it all.. worked in the corporate world, worked full time, worked part time, worked at a church, stayed home, worked from home, etc.
I now work from home due to a layoff four years ago, which was the best thing that happened to me. I love being with my kids, being available for my mother-in-law (who is homebound), seeing my husband more, etc.
There ARE so many choices available! It can be painfully nerve-racking to trust God in it all and to seek His face, but wow what a difference it makes in the journey.
>What a beautiful story!! I loved reading every bit of it! It makes me so sad that society has made women think they have to have a career in order to "be someone." Being a stay-at-home mom is the highest honor and greatest career path that exists in my opinion. I've loved it more than anything – and I've been at it for 18 1/2 years! 🙂
Another great post…and another one I relate to so well. Thanks for reposting all of these for you 1000th postiversary. I was never in daycare, but as soon as all the kids were in school a full day, my mom went back to work and we were latch-key kids from then on. I found that to be lonely and sad, but knew it was normal, so I accepted it. But my mom and I never became close. Mornings were rushed. Afternoons after school were spent without her around. When she did arrive home, she was tired from a long day at work and wanted to relax by herself to unwind. Then it was time to prepare dinner–and she hated cooking, so being in the kitchen with her was not pleasant and something to avoid. After dinner, I got to my homework and then went to bed. We had a nice family, a moral family, even a Christian family, but my mom and I were never close, and still aren’t. I have to force myself to remember to call her once in a while. (Reminder: today would be good–it’s been a while.)
I have always had a very academic mindset myself, and love to be in a professional academic setting, but I am so glad I committed early in my own marriage that I loved my kids more. I wanted to be with them, even though it was really hard for me during the baby and toddler years (I’m just not a baby and toddler kind of girl). Once they were both in school a full day, I considered going back to work because we needed the income badly, but I just didn’t want to give up the closeness we have.
I did a couple of years of intermittent substitute teaching, but then, when the kids were 8 and 11, I discovered home schooling–something I’d oddly never considered before then because…and this is crazy…because I saw myself as a professional educator, not one of those odd ‘homeschool moms’. Now, I am at home with them all the time AND I get to have the satisfaction of a highly academic work environment. If only we could get an extra income out of the deal, it would be perfect! Actually, I am starting to teach specialized high school level classes to other area homeschool kids. This is going well so far, and with some work, might become just the perfect solution for us. Anyway, I’ve rambled on for too long and should stop. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Wow, Sherry, we sound so similar! I wasn’t very close to my mom as a teen, largely because we just lived very separate lives. But we’re much closer to now, and we talk all the time. Maybe one day you’ll achieve that with your mom?
One little thing you said really jumped out at me. I may turn it into a post. The whole thing about how your mother didn’t like to cook, and so she saw it as a chore, and so it was no fun to be in the kitchen with her. I think we’ve forgotten how much fun it can be when we’re not rushed, and the kitchen time is such a GOOD time to bond with spouses or with kids. We need to reclaim that time!
Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
Hi Sheila,
I love your blog and this particular posting is one of the reasons why! My mom was a stay-at home Mom and I truly believe that made a huge difference in our lives. Unfortunately, due to my husband’s immigration status it is very hard for him to find work, so I am the breadwinner and he is the caregiver. I support our family by working full-time, but my heart cries out to stay home with our kids and his to be at work. Not looking for anyone’s pity (I know you just need to say the”I” word and people get crazy), just your prayers and God’s guiding light. Thanks and God bless.
Christine, I totally understand your desire to stay at home! But if I could offer you some encouragement, I think it’s great that your husband is. A child needs a parent, and your children have one at home with them. I know you’d rather be at home, but just don’t feel guilty. God has led you down a different path, and your kids are still getting “the best”, just in a different way. I’ll pray that your immigration issues get settled soon!
Thanks so much!
I believe all that you have spoken and am on the same page in every aspect; yet I blend these thoughts with the Prov 31 woman, the one who is industrious at home (as you are, blogging, writing, speaking, etc.,) and in my case along with others in my circles, I wonder: how does one accomplish that – Being a SAHM who also works in a specialty area from home?? Especially if you’ve chosen to educate yourself without the financially burdening colleges to give you a piece of paper saying your ‘expert/certified’ and you don’t have those big-name connections to get your name and skills out into the public eye?
(I hope to see another posting similar to this issue… yet, I’ll never get anything done if I can’t get off your site! lol)
Both my husband and I grew up with stay-at-home moms, and before we married we agreed that we both preferred that scenario to one of me working. Shortly before we started dating, I dropped out of university after two years because I realized I didn’t really want to be on the career track.
However, now that we have our first baby and my maternity leave EI will stop in two weeks, my husband really, really wants me to go back to work. Not because we need the money, but because he feels nervous without the second income. Should I mention that I’ll be working 12 hrs/wk at Starbucks in the evenings while he watches our daughter? This is definitely not for the money; only for his sense of security. I’m trying hard not to resent him for this, but I’ve always struggled with a sense of anxiety about work and this is no exception. I have always nursed my daughter before putting her to bed, and I’m not ready to wean her at 11 months so that will be extra tricky.
How do you show a husband the value of staying at home? Granted this particular situation will not affect our daughter much at all, but he continues to talk about how I could take kids into the house for informal daycare (NOT my personality at all) or work from home, or go back to work when the kids are in school…he’s in the military. I don’t expect that our financial situation will require an income from me as long as we aren’t frivolous with our money.
I’m sorry. I’m struggling so hard with wanting to respect him and help him feel supported in the financial aspect of our marriage, but everything in me wants to refuse and put my foot down. We’ve talked it to death and I’ve agreed to go back, but I feel such intense anxiety. How can I make him see the value of a stay at home mom in the future?
Amy, that is such a good question, and one that I know many wives struggle with. Here’s one thought: sit down with him and ask him where he wants the family to be in 10 years, and then in 5 years. Make some goals. Financially where do you want to be? What do you want the kids to be like? What do you want our marriage to be like? What experiences would you like us to have together? What trips would you like us to take?
Then ask if you can strategically plan together how you’re going to get there. For instance, if you want kids who are polite, fun, and disciplined, having a parent home really helps! If you want to be able to eat dinner as a family without being stressed, then talk about how that’s possible. If you want us to have time for a date night, or to be able to put the kids in bed and then spend some time together, then let’s aim for that.
Then take a look at your financial goals, and say something like, “if this is where you want to be, do you care how we get there, as long as we get there?” And then ask him if he would mind if you figured out a budget that would get you there without a second income. Instead of talking just about you working, in other words, talk about the big picture goals.
If that still doesn’t work, then life is a more difficult. I’d say to try to find the best balance you can with preserving your marriage, since that ultimately is what is most important for the kids. But I know it’s tough. Maybe I’ll throw this up as a reader question of the week in a week or two, because I’d love to see what other readers would say.
This article is offensive in my opinion. My child is not in daycare nor with a nanny but in no way does that mean that children who primary caregiver is not their mother (based on this article) during the day are worse off. It is sad to me that women feel the need to justify why they stay at home or work by having to say negative comments about those who do not follow their same set of beliefs.
Sarea-Let me just ask you this. If you were two years old, and someone said, “would you like to be with your mom or dad or with someone else”, what would your two-year-old self choose? I can’t think of any who would choose someone other than a parent.
So if we know that we would have chosen a parent, why is it that we can’t give our kids that same grace? Our children, after all, did not ask to be born. We brought them into the world.
I am not trying to lay blame; I am just trying to say that CHILDREN should be the primary consideration in this debate, not parents. And too often, I think, we concentrate on the moms’ feelings and not the kids’ feelings.
(By the way, as I said in my article, I don’t think it matters WHICH parent stays at home. So this isn’t directed at moms alone).
Not all children are born to parents who love and care for them as they should. Some parents are unwilling, unable or incapable of providing that necessary love and support. Many children benefit greatly from the care of others.
Why is it that Christian women use the “stay at home” image to make themselves feel like superior mother? Have you ever taken a moment and put yourself in the shoes of a working mother? Have you ever cared to ask her why she works? Have you ever cared to ask her about her struggles? Have you ever cared enough about her to lift her up in prayer and encouragement, and I don’t mean praying that her and her husband will see “the light” and have her stay home? But instead for strength, for wisdom, for her marriage, for her children. That God would use her circumstances to glorify Himself.
Why do Christian women put working mothers down? Make them feel like they are harming their children? Or are choosing to work because of some selfish reason?
I’m so glad that your decision was one that was not based on money issues. What a blessing from God. But please be respectful of those that don’t have doctors for husband, and please be respectful of mothers who are doing the best for their children. Like in my case, I work because my son needs an extremely high level of health insurance….he has severe hemophilia and his monthly med bill is 60,000. My job provides amazing health benefits and my son needs those. So please remember that all mothers have circumstances that need to be addressed. And making it sound like it is some simple decision is, first, not true and second, painfully ignorant of many families individual needs.
I understand and see your point. And I would whole heartedly agree with you regarding women that work when they have the option to stay home….such as professional advancement or money being weighted more than their family.
But please lift working mothers up in prayer. Respect the very real decisions that put them there.
With respect, a working and loving mother. (who has her son’s grandmas care for him during the day).
Emily, I fully understand that some moms have to work. Like I said in my post, my own mother had to work. She had no choice. And it sounds like you are in the same boat; you have to. For your child, to support him, you have no choice. And so you are doing what you must. And that makes you a great mom! I’m sorry if it didn’t come across that way.
My post, though, is really directed at those who do have a choice, and I do think that this includes most mothers. We do have choices in what lifestyle we choose to have. For years we had no car, we lived in an apartment, and we never ate out. We had no cable, we shopped at second hand stores, and we made do where we could. And I think many, many people do have that choice, but they don’t realize it, or they don’t think about it. I was raised in an educational environment that made me not think about it until I did have my child, and then I realized it truly was a choice.
I think the fact that you are saying that you are working only to get health insurance for your son implies that you agree; if you had the choice, you would also stay at home. So I think we’re in agreement here. You feel that if you were in a different situation, you would be at home.
That’s what I’m saying; many women have the choice to stay at home, but they don’t make it, because societal pressures make them feel like they need to work. And I just want to be a voice saying, “no, you don’t. You don’t have to work.”
Some moms do, obviously. My mom did. You did. That’s completely understandable.
But just because some do does not mean that we should stop saying, “if you have the choice, please stay home.” My intention is not to make you feel badly; it is only to spread the word that when possible, a parent being at home is best for the child.
I think today, though, we sometimes get scared of saying that precisely because moms in your situation take offense. But just because some moms must work should not mean that we are no longer allowed to say, “it is good to stay at home with your kids.” It still is good; it just may not be possible in every situation. And we need to keep encouraging people to do the thing that most benefits kids.
You are doing what you must, but you, too, can also spread the word by saying, “I work because that is what I have to do to be a great mom, and I am doing all I can for my son. But I just encourage moms to really ask, what does being a great mom look like in your situation? Because if you don’t need to work, then perhaps being a great mom means staying home.”
Thanks for participating in the conversation! I appreciate your voice, and I do commend you for what you’re doing for your son. I know what it is to have a severely ill child, and to do all you can to help them.
Hello, I’m a year late but I have just read this. Ive read all youre comments, Wow!I wanna add. I’m a stay at home mummy (mummy in Britain lol)my sons just turned two. He is such a good boy but none The less he is a two year old boy and has his moments! We are Afro Caribbean, and in the uk If you’re a black kid enspicaly a boy there is a stigma in society of how you’re supposed to be. I want to be around to protect him from that enspicaly in our education system they write you off. I take my husband for example, he was brought up in Peckham London on a council estate as a black Muslim. He was a gang member from the age of 14! violence, robberies and crime, stabbings and shootings pretty much as bad as it can get, he even did time in prison; Which later when I wanted to be at home this affected our marriage and my ability to be a sahm as I was the breadwinner no one would give him a job. Both his parents are Education orientated and work so much and so hard they never made time for him,he and his siblings were often home alone hence why he got up to mischief. he would tell you that himself .
Now as for me my mum left to work when I was just 3 months old. My dad worked hard too but i was allso born in London; the most expensive city in the world, and if you’re there you have to do what you have to do. But it does have consequences.
As an infant; I was sexually abused by the nephew of my childminder several times it was only by speaking one day to my mum that I said ‘the boy sits on me’. Then it all came out He was over 16 so he’s a registered sex offender now, but all I remember is the childminder, the one who my mother had intrusted her only daughter into her care, was begging my mum to not go through with the police reports! “he’s only a child” she said “this will ruin ruin his life don’t report it! Lets deal withit between ourselves” it would ruin her; she said She would loose buisness!wow! It revealed to me that there is no one who can love you’re child as much as you, it was just her job and that’s exactly how she saw it.
On growing up my mummy and dad divorced and he emigrated back to the carribean with his new wife and new son!and just left us! With that my mum left london, moved to a cheaper place up north in her home city, Nottingham. She worked hard got a degree and became a full time teacher. She was always working! I would come home after school the house would be a tip, i never had friends over it was too embarrassing. One school friend came and wen to school the next day and told people in school my house is a mess and smells. We never any food, always cold as there was never any electric.
My nan lived just 10 minuites away so my mum expected that we should go there and eat dinner.
My as a mother nan raised 4 children had to work as her husband was a gambler and she will constantly tell you she collected her children from school daily, had a home cooked meal ready and tucked all her kids in at night. It was during this time in my teens that I was inspired as to how a Christian home should be run. I wanted that lifestyle for my family one day and I am always grateful to my nan for her example and testimony. As I got older I became familiar with the fact that every wife in church was a sahm. But the way they carried on with their perfect lives and snobiness put me off and I wanted to be an independent working woman. I was working so many jobs and still at secondary school with all my money literally bein used up in paying for myself. I had to find my own ,busfayre, shoes, clothes and food with my little cleaning job. I became so miserable as a 17 year old that – and don’t ask me how-I got a job in a strip club. I was so caught up in money that I always wanted it as i felt i had suffered so much.
This surely was not the intention God had of family when he created man. Mum was always at work ( you know its funny teachers dont finish when the bell rings)or too tired to notice me ad my sister who is 7 years younger and was provided for but my mum said I was an adult now! when I wanted to work in the club I would say I was staying at a friends.but like all mums do she eventually caught on and I ran away from home. I was at university at this point and moved in to my now hubby then- drug dealer boyfriend of 3 weeks student halls. I have to say fair enough not every child ends up this bad. But my life could have gone down a very different path had I had the mother I needed. As a born again Christian i understand, we have to be aware that there are strategies and prinipalities that want o take our kids out!and it’s funny that church kids end up the worst without their parents diligent protection. My husbands says that where he grew up church girls had a reputation for being the worst! So it’s imperative we keep a watchful eye on them in the best way we can and for me that’s giving him a better start than I had by being home. My case is extereme. But this is literally me saying what can happen when mums not there! Thank God that my husband even with his Muslim background asked me questions on God because believe it or not I thought I was saved still and used to bring my Bible to read to girls at the strip club!Madness!. He ended up in prison and asked god to release him and he promised he would go church. 10 mins later he was released on bail! He got saved brought me back to church, we got married 18 months after, and a year later we were still saved,broke and pregnant! But my husband and i had decided based on our own childhoods, i was needed at home! We were so poor that one guy in our church used to bring us food! Our parents were our bread winners and we lived in a horrible damp place in a rough neighbourhood,and we argued and fought like anything! But when you make the right choices and continue to keep youre heart right in hard times God blesses you and through many trials God has blessed us sooooo much! As I said my son is now two and since his conception my husband has a top management role in Brittish Telecom,(thats another miracle but this is already an essay)were now in a gorgeous detached home in the suburbs, have three cars, a cleaner two cats youth leaders in our church, I work a little Mary Kay buisness at my leisure from home, I do gym, lunch with friends and their children, and play all day with my son! life’s great an most importantly I’m home with my little boy Jonathan and I love spending the time I never had with my mum with him. did I mention I’m only 24 and my hubby just turned 25! Imagine where we will be in a few years time!? this isnt all about us!our childhoods spell future disasters! it’s All Jesus! So Take the plunge! I did a huge leap of faith after my maternity leave was up! And gave in my notice!my hubby got a job for the first time in our marriage just two weeks later ( yeah sure he worked at burger king-but i mean a real money making job) he has recived about 4 promotions in one year! Dramatic changes to our income god promotes the faithful, leave work and go home with you’re children and raise them,if you’re reading all this and considering it and if you can! I understand my own mother couldnt! I hope this can really help someone God bless x Lizzie x
Thank-you!
I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. My mom stayed home with my siblings and I and homeschooled us. I wanted to marry and have kids and homeschool them too. I just didn’t have any man knocking on my door trying to marry me at 18 like I had hoped. So I went on to college and ended up getting a master’s degree. Then I got a job teaching at a community college.
About that time, I met a man who was very interested in me and we had a lot in common. So as I moved to a new state and started a new job, I was now within an hour and a half drive from this man. We started dating, fell in love, and married just after the school year ended.
Because we lived so far apart, we had to choose which of our towns to live in. I had a good job. He was a grad student living on teaching assistantships. But we knew we wanted kids right away (he was 40 and didn’t want to wait any longer to start having kids). He had a lot of experience in industry and could go back to that if necessary to provide for a family, but would have to give up finishing his degree. I didn’t want him to give up on his degree, so we lived in a tiny house that he had been renting for several years at a very low rent for the area (the landlords never increased the rent on him) and lived on his teaching assistant wages. I gave up my job to support his goals ad we made do. I did work part-time a couple of semesters at a local community college and then stopped after our first daughter was born. He did finish his degree and now has a good job. But even before he got his current job, we committed to me staying home, even if that meant living on $23,000 a year. It’s possible to live on one income if you are determined to do so and are willing to give up unnecessary things to make it work.
Maybe this isn’t the intent of these posts, but I don’t think any mom should feel the need to justify why she is working outside the home or why she is not. I think we all are trying to do the best we can for our children, and we could all benefit from each other’s support, not judgment on what we should be doing v. what we are. What works for you and your child may not be best for me and mine and vice versa. God knows what’s in our hearts and helps us do our best if we ask Him, whatever our situations are.
Thank-you for posting this article. My mom stayed a home with me and my two siblings for several years until I was in maybe 6th grade. Then she started going back to school to become an RN. This was a major change in my life and I did not like it at all. I remember the house feeling empty when I came home from school and my dad struggling to heat up dinner for us (unsuccessfully, I might add). I remember playing with my sister and getting too loud, forgetting that mom had worked the night before and had to work again that night. I remember feeling awful when she’d come out of her room, looking disheveled and exhausted, to remind us. This is when I remember the first time my father molested me. It only happened twice but it changed my life forever.
I am so thankful that I can stay at home with my kids. I have such a close relationship with them and I know they love having their momma home with them. My husband works so hard for us and makes many sacrifices to keep us home and I make sure the kids understand this. The Lord has even led us to homeschool them and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Childhood passes so very quickly and I would hate to miss out on it.
I really enjoyed your story! I love hearing about how other women came to find out what’s right for their (and their family’s) lives. I want others to know that sometimes you can work and be a stay-at-home Mom at the same time! I have a PhD and teach part-time at a research university, where I spend about 6 hours a week on campus. The rest of the time is spent with my 3-year-old daughter, who is in preschool most of the time while I am teaching. My husband is a full-time professor, so he also has a flexible schedule and summers off, so we’ve never had to put our child in daycare. I believe that my family (husband, daughter, and one on the way) come before everything else in my life, and I realize I am incredibly lucky and blessed to be able to both work part-time and be a full-time Mom and wife.
That’s such a great schedule! I think my daughter will have a similar schedule (given her career goals and her boyfriend). It is fun that way!
It’s been interesting reading this and the various responses to this article.
I’d like to say that it made me go back and read proverbs 31
again. When I envision this virtuous woman, bringing her food from ‘afar’ and considering a field and buying it or planting a vineyard , I do not see this happening from her staying at home. It sounds to me like She was actively bringing in revenue to the home as well as running her home, in my opinion – hence the reference to her household being fed and clothe. May I also add that I notice that she had maidservants which in our day could very well be nannies etc. Yet her children rose up and called her blessed!!!!
I’m not saying being a stay at home mom is the right or wrong thing to do. I’m saying that I’m not convinced that that is what the bible teaches and I understand as a mom myself the benefits and disadvantages of both.
May I suggest that not everyone has the personality to be a stay at home mom and God has so gifted some ladies in their professions and they are serving Him outside of their home and not just’ bsing’ their way through it?
May I also suggest that why you turned out well in spite of your parents working was because of the QUALITY rather than the quantity of time spent with you? I know a lot of SHM who spend a great percentage of that time on the phone or in front of the TV or computer and very little time with the kids other than attending to their basic needs which any nanny or daycare could do.
I think the question should be what would God have us do, which I think is what the author of this article alludes to and that there is a choice. The undertone however, that it is the best thing for your kids or the calling of every mother though is what does not sit right with me.
As mothers let us encourage each other to be intentional about it and ensure that you are spending quality time with our families and have our kids in the most nurturing environment for them. I think that should be our goal and we should all come alongside each other and encourage ourselves to make the right choices to indeed the virtuous women God desires us to be.
My 2 cents
I would love to be stay at home mum. We got married a year ago and we are trying to get pregnant. I’ve started reading a lot of what you wrote over the years (I’ve read half of your blog already 🙂 ) and I would LOVE to be stay at home mum. But I am from a country still developping, in Central Europe. Both me and my husband are so blesed with good jobs, especially for our age. We make more that most of our friends, which allowed us to buy a tiny apartment (35 m2, can you believe that? Two pieces, kitchen and bathroom the size of shoe box. But it’s ours.) If we hadn’t bought it, we would have paid the same for rental. It takes up 1/4 of our income, another 1/4 are university fees (necessary if we ever want to earn more). I am still wrapping my mind around how we will make it with a child and two incomes. I will take a year for maternity leave, but after that I have no choice but to go back to work. Less than 35% of our society can live out of one income, it is just how it works in my country. My mum worked hard while raising five children, but I was in the daycare from the age of 2. I’m still trying to figure out what I can do differently to be with my future kids more, to know them more than she did.
“When women sign up for a postgraduate degree, are they making a true choice for themselves, or are they doing what is expected of them? When they go back to work after the baby comes, is it a true choice, or have they never really thought that maybe there is an alternative?”
Yes yes yes! I’d write more but my kids need me. 🙂 This is do well written, thank you.